All language subtitles for becker 2-13

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) It just took me 20 minutes to go

three blocks.

Some idiot jumps off a building when a

cop's got traffic going every which way.

I mean, for God's sake, if you're gonna

kill yourself, you know, at least have the

decency to wait until after rush hour.

Well, where have you been?

I'm out here talking to myself.

Well, it must be nice to have someone

to agree with you for a change.

So now, do me a favor and keep

talking to yourself, because I have to cram

for a psychology test.

Psychology, all right.

How hard can it be?

High.

You hate your mother.

That'll be 100 bucks.

As opposed to get lots of rest and

drink plenty of fluids, that'll be 150.

Now, if you'll excuse me, this guy Brad's

coming over to help me study.

He's a psychology major.

Oh, Brad the psych major, huh?

Let me guess.

Long hair, sandals, has that pretentious college kid

smirk you want to smack off with a

baseball bat?

Geez, Becker, you've never even met him.

It's like you pre-hate him.

Saves time.

And just so you know, the only reason

why he's helping you is because he wants

to sleep with you.

Now, why would you say something like that?

He's a college kid.

Basically, that's a penis with a backpack.

John.

Oh, I'm glad you're here.

Listen, do you think you could squeeze me

in for a physical today?

Yeah, I suppose so.

What's wrong?

I think I might be running into some

health problems.

You see, I met this girl who's into

astrology, right?

She told me that...

Astrology?

Oh, congratulations, right?

Psychology just moved up a notch.

Becker, astrology goes back thousands of years.

Thousands of years ago, people were crapping in

their hats.

It's just another dumbass system created by the

tiny-minded to deal with the complexities of

human life.

Because rather than think for themselves, it's easier

to believe that our fate is controlled by

some great apocalyptic voodoo monkey in the sky.

See what you did?

All I know is that there's a lot

of bad juju out there, and I can't

quite see it coming.

Are you going to help me or not?

Fine.

Come by around noon.

That's when the sun god Ra has pulled

his chariot halfway across the sky.

Okay, we only have a few appointments, so

it should be pretty quiet.

Yes, Margaret.

And you know Walter Jackson is waiting in

room one.

Yes, Margaret.

And the supplies are coming in later this

morning, right?

Yes, yes, and yes, Margaret.

God, you don't have to tell me everything

like a million times.

Did you call the locksmith to fix the

bathroom door?

Well, if you'd leave already, maybe I could

get around to it.

Come on, the lawyer said you have to

go.

You have to be in his office exactly

at ten.

I just don't feel right about this.

Evelyn Crane was just a patient I got

friendly with.

Why would she mention me in her will?

Who cares?

The important thing is you were nice to

someone, and lucky you, they died.

Think about it.

You could come back rich.

If I can come back rich, I'm not

coming back.

Walter, nice to see you again.

New shoes?

The left one.

So how are you feeling?

Good, but that's the problem.

I read this article about people who can't

feel pain, and I've been feeling fine lately.

So it got me thinking, what if I'm

one of those people?

I mean, I could be in excruciating pain

right now and not even know it.

Walter, that condition is called hyposensitivity, and I

seriously doubt if you have it.

Well, I'd like to know for sure.

Isn't there some kind of test you can

run?

Oh, boy.

Ow!

Oh, thank God.

Always nice to see you, Walter.

Oh, but what if I do get that

disease?

How will I know?

All right, here.

Home test kit.

Hi.

Headless medical supply.

You want them all right here?

No, no, why don't you leave the truck

outside for a couple months?

If I want anything, I'll just go out

and get it.

Okay.

Smartass.

Linda, I'm gonna go to lunch.

Oh, did Margaret remember to call a locksmith?

Oh, uh, she must have forgotten.

You know what I always say, if you

want something done right, do it yourself.

Oh, you want me to do it?

I'll get right on it.

Okay.

Ooh!

Locksmith, locksmith, love lamps.

Ooh, I've been looking for one of those.

Ooh!

Sorry to keep you waiting, Ms. Whitehorn.

Evelyn's sister just arrived, so we can begin.

I didn't know she had a sister.

Okay, let's do this.

I gotta catch the shuttle to Atlantic City.

And if I'm late for that buffet, all

those old cockers gum down all the shrimp.

Oh, my God, you look exactly like Evelyn.

Well, we were identical twins, so that's the

very first time I ever heard that.

Who are you?

This is Margaret Wyborn.

Your sister mentioned her in the will.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Well, I haven't lost anything yet.

Let's hear the will first.

Actually, there won't be a reading as such.

Ms. Crane recorded her final wishes on tape.

That's my sister.

Even in death, she is a colossal pain

in the ass.

Plus, run in the family.

Approaching the end of one's life brings back

waves of poignant memories.

But where to begin?

How's about where you die and divvy up

your stuff?

Why not at the beginning?

They say the day I was born was

the hottest day in July.

Oh, God.

Well, I guess you can kiss those shrimp

goodbye.

Hey, Red.

Well, all the really classy places have lobsters

in a tank.

I suppose rats in a box could catch

on.

Did you want something?

I was going to have a burger, but

let's just say coffee and a muffin definitely

did go.

Help me up.

I can't believe in this day and age,

you're still using rats to study psychology.

You want to learn about rats?

If you want to learn about people, use

people.

I mean, we got a city full of

the homeless and a lot of subway tunnels.

So, who's the kid?

That's Brad, my study partner.

That's Brad?

Oh, come on, Red, she's an embryo.

Don't start.

And by the way, you couldn't have been

more wrong about him.

You said he'd hit on me, and he'd

been a perfect gentleman.

Well, of course he's not interested in you.

You are a little, what's the word I'm

looking for here?

Oh, yeah, old.

What did you say?

Sorry, Grandma, I said you're a little...

I am not too old.

Boys his age fantasize about women like me.

Women that are...

Old?

No.

Mature?

No.

Seasoned?

No.

Experienced?

No.

Been around the block?

No.

Sophisticated.

Yeah, that's it.

By the way, you have a little hamburger

stuck in your hair there.

He doesn't think I'm too old.

If I paid him the slightest bit of

attention, he'd be following me around like a

puppy dog.

That's because you still have a little hamburger

there.

Talk's over.

Here's your food.

If you don't say another word, it's on

the house.

Way too old for him.

Oh, Linda, can I see you for a

second, please?

Uh, okay.

Where are you?

Over here.

Where?

I'm over here.

Well, where the...

Meet me in the kitchen.

Okay, here's the thing.

There was a slight mix-up in our

supply order.

20,000 syringes?

That was supposed to be 200.

50,000 tongue depressors?

That was supposed to be 500.

See?

Those aren't zeros.

I was doodling, and I guess my little

moon faces look like zeros to them when

I faxed it in.

Well, why didn't you tell the delivery idiot

just to take it all away?

I heard that.

Okay, here's the other thing.

Before the delivery guy left, he used the

bathroom, and the lock got stuck.

So even if he did want to take

it away, which he didn't because you pissed

him off, he couldn't.

So, in a way, this is kind of

your fault.

Why did you call the locksmith?

Why does everyone keep asking me that?

I'm not incompetent.

Did you?

Well, I was about to when you came

in.

Hey, get me out of here.

I'm behind in my route, and I missed

lunch.

How about I slip 2,000 pizzas under

the door?

You can't see, but I'm making a gesture

in here.

Hey, the lights just went out.

Sorry, I'll get right on it.

The rat and the maze serve as a

behavioral model for a man and his world.

What is it with men and models?

You know I used to be a model.

I wasn't talking about that kind of model.

I meant a model for society.

You know, a paradigm.

Boy, you're lucky I'm helping you.

Anyway, when the rat's environment is no longer

stable, his behavior becomes unpredictable.

What do you mean the locksmith will be

here when he gets around?

This is an emergency.

Am I the only one in this neighborhood

who remembers that we're all here to help

each other?

Dr. Becker.

Oh, what now?

It's Theresa Campbell.

I need your help.

Where are you?

Over here.

What happened?

Jimmy hit Sean with his hockey stick and

cut his cheek.

Don't you kids ever do this kind of

stuff on weekends?

That's not that bad.

Go on back to room one.

Linda, I need betadine, gauze, and butterfly bandages.

Okay, here's the thing.

No, no, no more things.

Don't tell me you didn't order any bandages.

I ordered 10,000.

I'm just not sure where they are.

Well, here's an idea.

Look!

That summer, we all went to the beach.

Mother said if you would hold a shell

up to your ear, you could hear the

ocean.

For a woman with emphysema, she sure talks

a lot.

Excuse me, I know I'm not family.

No.

But I think Evelyn was sweet.

So's a jelly donut.

You ever try talking to one?

I'm being very rude.

Hey, I put up with her boring stories

all my life.

What'd you do, give her a mint on

the bus?

I wish somebody would give you a mint.

So operant conditioning is just getting the rat

to perform a desired behavior.

If you want him to run the maze,

put some cheese at the end.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry, I was just thinking about

this movie that just came out, it's supposed

to be really funny, and I just love

to see it.

Well, if we get done studying early enough,

you could still catch it.

Oh.

Oh, Reggie, could I ask you something?

I feel kind of awkward bringing this up

because I know I'm supposed to be tutoring

you, but...

Oh, no, Brad, you can ask me anything,

absolutely anything.

In fact, I've sort of been expecting it.

So I wouldn't be out of line if

I asked you to make me an egg

salad sandwich?

Damn, Becker.

Hey, uh, Reg, I know it's none of

my business, but, uh, this Brad guy sounds

a little young for you.

He's not that young.

Could you cut the crusts off my sandwich?

Crusts off, you got it.

Now, listen, I got to run to Becker's

for my physical.

You two have fun.

Hey, Reg, you know how women are always

trying to change guys?

Well, now you got one that'll probably need

changing every couple of hours.

Brad, do you just want the sandwich, or

can I give you a little something on

the side?

No, just the sandwich.

Now, this is fascinating.

I removed the cheese from the maze, and

it upset his entire sense of reality.

It's like his whole world has descended into

total chaos.

Jimmy?

Jimmy, I'm just showing you.

This is a real skeleton, Jimmy.

Jimmy, that is not a toy.

Let the doctor make it better.

Or Mommy's going to kill you.

Where are the bandages?

I'm trying to find them.

Is the electrician here yet?

No, not yet.

So you're going to be able to open

the door or not?

I'm working on it.

It's rusty.

Yeah, what was this, National Incompetence Day?

Linda, will you answer that damn phone?

Oh, all right.

Hello, damn doctor's office.

Yes, I do want to buy a love

lung, but I don't have time right now.

Dr. Bessel, I got Sean in the exam

room, but now Jimmy's missing.

Don't lose Sean.

Help us find Jimmy, will you?

Oh, jeez.

I just smashed my hand.

Oh, why does everything happen to me?

All right, does that hurt?

Ow, jeez.

All right, all right.

Second door on the right.

I'll take some x-rays.

Damn it, I can't function like this.

I need margarine.

Where's margarine?

And then, on my 17th birthday, Father hosted

a garden party.

And that was the night he gave me

my first sip of champagne.

I am starting to think this woman bored

herself to death.

I'm out of here.

Everyone went to bed early that night, except

for me and my sister's fiancé, Charlie.

That's the night I lost my virginity.

Well, I'm not in that big of a

hurry.

It was the beginning of an affair that

lasted 45 years, even after Charlie's marriage to

my sister, Edith.

Hello.

Every chance we got, we snuck out to

a motel.

I would put on outfits, and Charlie would

spank me and call me his little whore.

We could have married, but the thrill of

our affair was too delicious to ruin with

the drudgery of marriage.

That I left to Edith.

And that's all I left her.

Hey, Drew Silk.

What?

You might want to watch this.

It really picks up near the end.

I would put on outfits, and Charlie would

spank me and call me his little whore.

Anyway, when the rats finally accept that there

will never be any cheese at the end

of the maze, it's...

What are you, gay?

What?

We have spent the entire day together, and

all we've talked about is rats.

Don't you find me attractive?

Well, yes, sure I do.

Then did it occur to you at some

point to ask me out?

Yeah, especially a while ago when you were

pressing your breast against my arm.

Then why didn't you?

Well, I was nervous.

Now, now, there's no reason to be nervous.

Go ahead, give it a shot.

Wow.

Okay.

So, do you want to go out?

Is there a yes?

No.

But thank you for asking.

What?

Oh, this is so great.

I feel so wrong.

I am so not too old for you.

Then why don't you want to...

Okay, enough fooling around.

Let's get back to the rats.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, when there's no cheese in the maze,

are you sure you don't want to...

Come on, rat boy.

I've got a test to take.

Okay.

Well, it's at this point that the rats

really begin to turn on each other.

Linda, help Teresa test this.

I need a champagne agent.

What about the kids?

First do what I tell you, then do

what I told you.

You know, yelling doesn't solve anything.

Oh, yes, it does.

It makes me feel better.

Get me out of here.

Shut up.

I'm working on it.

Call back.

Is this Dr. Becker's office?

Jake, over here.

Go on down to the exam room.

Second door on the left.

I told you.

Get me out of here.

You broke my nose.

You broke my nose.

Oh, I hate when I do that.

Fire!

Fire!

Everybody out!

Everybody out!

Oh, come on.

Just because you hear an alarm, does that

mean you have to come racing over?

Okay, all right, it does.

Thank you, Dr. Becker.

Yeah.

Teresa, let me ask you something.

What in the world would make you decide

to have all those kids?

The key word here is decide.

Ah, gotcha.

Sorry about the fire alarm.

Don't worry about it.

It's been one of those days.

Look, you're fine, Jake.

Just don't listen anymore to that astrology crap.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Although I am in Aries, and she did

say that that's a fire sign.

Go get out.

Go on.

You won't believe what happened to me today.

I sat in that lawyer's office for hours.

You know what that old lady left me?

A videotape of her life story.

I swear, if I ever...

What the hell happened here?

Okay, here's the thing.

And tomorrow night, Becker starts eating healthily and

tries to control his temper, so everyone assumes

he must be dying.

A bit harsh, but probably fair.

Next, though, Fraser has a blast from the

past.

Stay with us.