All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S06E17.720p.HDTV.x264-AVS

Back in the '80s,
my mom began work on her opus...

The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook.

She awkwardly pecked away
at the typewriter for hours,

carefully listing
every Parm-filled recipe

with meticulous detail.

She was so hell-bent on
making her book a reality

that she enlisted me
to take the cover photo.

I don't know. I-I'm not feeling this.

Maybe bring a little energy to it.

Maybe not that much.

My mom was determined
to make every recipe

a cheesy, over-sauced masterpiece.

Naturally, we had to be
the taste-testers,

which was exhausting for everyone.

My belly's at full capacity. Oh, God.

Yep, no one was off the hook,
day or night.

Incoming.

Gah... Mom!
We're trying to watch a movie!

And what better movie snack than
my triple-cream beef stew?

Oh, God. Please no.
I have a major lactose intoler...

Ooh, that is rich in dairy.

Linguini and clams coming in.

Mmm.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was February 27th, 1980-something,

and my brother and I were busy

getting our daily dose of exercise.

Okay, kiddos.

Stop with your beep-boops
and your lady-reading.

Your cousin is gonna be here any minute.

How exactly are we related
to this schmo, again?

- You know my mom's great-aunt Rose?
- Who?

- No.
- Already bored.

Well, Rose's sister Esther
married Schmooly,

they had two sons, Freddie and Ivan,

who each married twin sisters.

So, he's not so much our cousin
as he is a total stranger.

Family is family.

Even if they're from the Old Country.

We live in modern times now.

How is a country still old?

- How?
- That's exactly why

I brought him to visit,
so you can get to know him

and ask him questions
about life back in Russia.

Wait, he's Russian?!

That means he's been bred
since birth in a KGB lab

to destroy our wonderful democracy.

Sit down.

He's not a spy, Barry.

He comes from a tiny village
that barely has running water.

The floor of his home is dirt,
for God's sake.

How does he know when
he's done sweeping?

He never is.

Look, I think meeting Groiseh Gleb

is just what you kids need
to get a little perspective.

Wait, what's his name?

- Gleb.
- Are you saying Glen?

No, Gleb.

As in actress Glenn Close?

Gleb!

So, not Glenn Close.

We've got three Glebs in the family,

which is confusing,

so that's why everyone
calls him Groiseh Gleb.

What's "groiseh" mean?

Groiseh means "big and plump."

Trust me, you're gonna love Big Gleb.

Of the three Glebs,
he's the funniest Gleb.

There he is. How ya been, Gleb?!

- Fine.
- You just flew in from Kiev.

Boy, your arms must be tired.

Yes. My whole body's very tired.

You think this Gleb came
instead of funny Gleb?

Bag? Take.

Oh! That is dense.

So. Gleb. How are things?

Hungry.

Okey-dokey.

Is okay?

You're family.

Our plums are your plums.

Mmm.

So juicy.

Nothing like this back home.

And to think, you kids just
take that plum for granted.

Uh-huh. How long's
this dude gonna be here?

Two weeks.

There's only so many fruits
we can introduce him to.

We live in the birthplace of America.

Show the man around.

I'm gonna go get him a banana.

He'll go crazy.

And just like that, we had to entertain

our Old Country cousin, Gleb.

While my mom was busy
entertaining the Frentas...

with a fancy brunch.

I mean, I knew Babs had range,

but watching her play
a young male farmer?

I mean, transcendent.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, well, speaking of cookbooks...

Uh, no one's speaking
of cookbooks, Beverly.

We were actually just talking
about "Yentl."

Yeah, well, now speaking of cookbooks...

Um, did I mention
I'm writing a cookbook?

You mean the cookbook you've
somehow managed to work into

every conversation in the last month?

That's probably the one, yes.

Well, I have been very busy
cooking and taste-testing,

practicing my banter

for the inevitable
big city book signings.

If you need any help with your book,

I can slip you
my chicken piccata recipe.

I can help, too.

Sometimes I think my
peanut-butter blondies

are the only thing my family
respects about me.

They are, and that's so generous,

but this is...
it's a Beverly Goldberg cook...

I swear to God, if you say the
word "cookbook" one more time,

I'm gonna stab myself with
this tiny jam spreader!

Me too! All you talk about

is that gosh darn cookbook

and how you're gonna be thick
as thieves with Julia Child!

All I'm saying is that sometimes
you just know

you're gonna be best friends
with someone

before you meet them, and that's
obviously very threatening

to the three of you.

- Oh.
- It really is not!

It's just that when we all get together,

all you do is talk about cooking.

- Or the Bevolution.
- Or you trying to be a lawyer.

Wow.

I was not prepared
for that tsunami of jealousy

coming at me right now.

I'm sorry the rest of you
don't have anything exciting

going on in your lives.

You know what?

I think you should go.

Go? It's my house!

You go!

Oh, but before you go,
which one of these

would look better on
the front of my cookbook?

- Unbelievable.
- You're the worst.

As the Frentas ditched my mom,

we were doing our best
to get to know our cousin.

Where's unfunny Gleb?

Outside opening and closing the
garage door with the clicker.

On the plus side, it killed three hours.

Why are we stuck babysitting
a complete stranger?

Stranger. That's it!

Yep, Barry's brilliant plan
was inspired by this '80s gem.

Cheggit! Looks like we got our
very own Balki Bartokomous.

The lovable foreign guy
from "Perfect Strangers"?

Oh, yes.

And that makes the three of us

Coe-sin Larry.

Crazy as it seems, this was 100% true.

Just like the classic sitcom,
we had a kooky cousin

from the Old Country living with us.

Only one question remained.

But what do we need a Balki for?

Hello? We got a dude who will do
whatever we say

'cause he's trusting and
unfamiliar with our ways.

Do what, exactly?

He's an adult man.

That means he can buy us beer

and rent us cars and co-sign loans.

The sky's the limit.

Come on.

Gleb won't just blindly
do whatever we say.

Really?

For the past ten minutes,
he's been listening to

that special cassette
that cleans the tape deck.

Dude, using our childlike
foreign relative

for our own selfish gain
is crossing a line.

Not to mention, "Perfect Strangers"

is built on the flimsiest of premises.

You both make good points
that are hard to ignore.

And yet, I will.

And so Barry proceeded

to "Perfect Stranger" our cousin Gleb.

It just so happens,
it was on the windiest day

in Philadelphia history.

Whoo-hoo!

Don't move.

So, you are using him as your Balki

even though we told you not to?

- I am.
- Looks kinda fun.

It is.

Hanging with Gleb
turned out to be a real hoot.

Aah!

As for my mom, she was ready

to make a real apology.

Ladies, thank you for coming here today.

I know things got a bit tense
at our last brunch,

but everything's made better
with tea and babka.

Babka does help.

Look, you guys are my dearest friends,

and I don't want you
thinking that I can't go

ten seconds without
talking about myself.

Well, it's only every 30 seconds.

Oh, come on.

You all know I can go
at least 30 minutes.

What? I can.

I'll tell ya what.
If you can go ten minutes

without making a single
reference to yourself...

- Your kids.
- Your opinions.

- Your sweaters.
- Your couponing expertise.

How Farrah Fawcett stole your look.

Your matchmaking.

Let's not forget about the cookbook.

Then you'll have proven us wrong.

And what happens when I
immediately prove you all wrong?

Well, then, we will admit you're right,

and then for the next ten brunches,

all we'll do is talk about you.

That's my dream.

Challenge accepted, suckas.

Go!

And so began my mom's
epic journey to listen.

Yeah. Turns out, it was hard.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

She endured stories about
other people's kids...

...other people's opinions...

other people's lives...

I'm just gonna stretch.
You guys keep talking.

...and the hardest of all...
other people's cooking.

...when Chad said that
my chicken was dry.

Cookbook!

Cooookbooook!

Oh, I have a cookbook
with so many recipes

that Chad would like more
than your bone-dry chicken!

Also, Adam went to a sci-fi convention,

and Barry's applying to Penn,

and Erica, there's not much
going on there,

but she's still a beautiful angel

and so much better than your kids,

and, oh, my God, that felt so good.

- And you lose.
- Come on.

That had to have been
at least nine minutes.

- It was two.
- Oh, speaking of telling time,

you know, Murray got me this new
Swatch for our anniversary.

Okay. We're gonna go now.

No. Double or nothing?

Fine. Go.

Farrah did steal my look!

We had "Perfect Stranger" ed
our distant cousin Gleb,

and it was all working out perfectly.

At least, we thought it was.

So, how's it going with your cousin?

- Aces.
- So great.

We've been having a blast
showing Gleb around.

Like yesterday, he was dying

to drive me to the Starlog
Convention in Jersey.

Oh, and today, he insisted

on renting me a shore house
for the summer.

He's the coolest barely-cousin
I've ever had.

No! Is lies!

They treat me like idiot and use
me for your personal gain.

The sweaty boy make me buy crossbow.

Crossbow? You can't have that!

Ah, according to this license, I can.

Lady sister make me rent beach house

so can party like NBA star.

And tiny one make me drive him

to American virgin space festival.

I'm just gonna assume there's something

lost in translation here.

You raise spoiled children

who make me be Balki Bartokomous
from "Perfect Stranger" TV show.

You get "Perfect Strangers"
in the Old Country?

Nyet!

You play it in front of me

and say your plan out loud, like fools!

That, we did.

What is wrong with you?

You were supposed to get to know him.

In our defense, our time together

was packed with kooky misadventures

and we had very little time to dig in.

Oh, my God.

He came all this way to America.

Show him America.

And show him, we did.

We jetted off for a day of bonding

with Coe-sin Gleb.

We knew the guy had a thing

for fresh fruit, so we began
at the Baederwood Market.

It made him happy.

Next, we took Gleb to see
the latest "Rocky" movie.

I must break you.

But the Russian lost.

It made him sad.

So, to cheer up funny Gleb,

we figured we'd introduce
him to America's

favorite Russian comedian of
the '80s... Yakov Smirnoff.

Good thing about doing comedy in Russia,

you have captured audience.

Unfortunately, Gleb
found his act a little too real.

What's going on?

I thought you were out
showing Gleb the town.

No! First they show me "Rocky IV,"

then they force me to listen to man

who make fun of horrors of the past.

Why?!

Is no humor!

Okay, well, when he puts it like that,

it sounds like we're not
good family members.

Albert, your children's children
are people of garbage.

I have to say I agree.

All I wanted was to give you everything

my family never had...

but all I did was spoil you rotten.

You got to be very careful
of what jokes you say.

If you say, like,
"Take my wife, please,"

you get home, she's gone.

Bev! Oh, wow!

- You're here! Hello!
- Hey, Ginzy.

Just thought I'd pop by
and return your Cuisinart.

Oh, no. Keep it. It's yours forever.

- Have a nice day.
- What?!

You're brunching.

Without me?

We can explain.

Yes.

Okay, you know what? It's fine.

Words were said, feelings were hurt,

but I am a big enough person

to pretend that none of this
has ever happened.

Sorry, seat's taken.

But this happened.

The Frentas replaced my mom
with another yenta.

Oh, for God's sakes.

You invited Eileen Leffler
instead of me?

We just want a friend who
doesn't only talk about herself.

And she listens to us and even
asks follow-up questions.

Here's a follow-up question, Linda.

Not a lot of people came
to your New Year's party,

and I felt bad for you.

That is not a question.

It's a hurtful statement.

I cannot believe you just thought

you were gonna replace me.

No one is replacing anyone.

There's room for five Frentas.

Well, there's only four
drying stations at the salon.

What, someone's gonna sit at the end

with a towel on her head, like a chump?

I thought we would just take turns.

Look, you are my dearest
and closest friends,

and I love you so much,

but right now you're acting
like a bunch of [bleep].

- Oh.
- Okay, if I may pipe in here.

Beverly, I truly admire you,

and I think you are an amazing woman,

but it seems like you're acting
like the [bleep] here.

How dare you?!

Wow!

The potty mouth on this one!

Huh? That's who you wanna
replace me with?

Hm.

Well [bleep].

And so my mom swore off
the Frentas forever.

Meanwhile, Pops had taken it
upon himself

to show just how spoiled
his grandkids had become.

What the hell?

Why is Gleb wearing my Flyers shirt?

Forget your dumb shirt.
Why does he have my Caboodle?

You mean Gleb's Caboodle.

Is perfect for storing
beets and cabbage.

I've decided to take everything

I've ever bought you

- and give it to Gleb.
- What?!

- No way!
- But it's our stuff!

But Gleb actually appreciates it

and, frankly, needs it more than you.

He needs my Chairry?

He can't have my keytar.

Gleb needs my Nintendo Power Pad?

You mean Nintendo blanket.

This is crazy!

What's he gonna do with
a lacrosse stick?

Is perfect for scooping up rodent

- or fighting bat.
- Not cool, Pops!

He can't just take my "WKRP
in Cincinnati" record player!

Is not for making pancake?

No. It's for living out
radio workplace fantasies.

And if I have to explain that to you,

it's clear you don't deserve it.

He deserves it more than you.

Okay, I think if we just
calm down and take a breath,

we'd all realize that Gleb can't
take my GI Joe Space Shuttle

and Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker!

I need those to live!

I think that's the problem.

Fine! We admit it.

We're selfish kids and we don't
know how good we got it.

Now give me back my WWF Wrestling Ring,

or I will cry right here, right now.

You learned nothing.

All I wanted to do was show
you kids where I came from.

It was my fault for thinking you'd care.

Here. Take your dog snow machine.

We have plenty of snow in Russia.

Pops was right.

We really did need to take a long,

hard look at ourselves.

Meanwhile, my mom was looking
for some new friends.

Heyyy, there's my Mentas!

- Mentas?
- Mentas.

You know, men yentas
who are friends also.

I just coined it.

Well, un-coin it.

What are you doing at Bill's house?

Sure, I'd love to hang out with you.

Thanks.

So...

what's on tap for today?

Watching the big sports event?

Terrible game.

It's unwatchable.

Maybe we should have brunch.

You boys look hungry.

Got it covered. Wing helmet.

- I think I'll pass.
- More for us.

So, this is your entire day, huh?

Sure.

Sitting on your ass,
eating helmet wings?

- Sure.
- That's what Bill wanted.

It is his birthday and all.

For God's sakes, it's his birthday?

Did you at least get him a gift?

Of course he did. Wing helmet.

Show her the wing helmet again, Mur.

I don't think she got
a close enough look.

- Wing helmet.
- I've seen the wing helmet.

Hey, what's going on here? It's Sunday.

Why aren't you out eating quiche

with the ladies who walk
in front of my TV?

You know, the ones whose,
uh, hair shadows

- I see in the dining room.
- I know who you mean.

And they don't wanna see me
'cause... they said I'm selfish.

And they're right.

I've been a bad friend.

Enjoy your game.

Sorry to bother you.

Oh, boy.

The Frentas called out my mom
for being selfish.

Luckily, Beverly had a Menta
in her corner.

Ladies, it seems we have a visitor.

This will only take a second.

Uh, Marcie, Shelly, Tabitha...

um, I'm sorry, I forgot your name.

You've actually forgotten all our names.

And if Beverly sent you,
you can tell her...

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

She did not send me.

I came on my own to let you guys know

what a great friend she is.

Who only wants to talk about herself.

Yes. But to me, she only
talks about you guys.

Murray, it's sweet you're here
and honestly surprising

to see you out of your chair,
but we know it's not true.

Oh, but it is true.

She was so jazzed when Jimothy

won that Flower Grower
of the Year Award.

It's Charles, and, um,
when I mentioned it to her,

she didn't seem to care.

But she does care.

And you... uh... Cindy?

Your place in Florida?

She's doing everything she can
to get me down there.

It's Essie. And really?

And you, Patty,

she cannot stop talking
about your son Stevie

and how he can go to any
Ivy League School that he wants.

It's Geoff. But that's sweet.

Look, I know she talks
a lot about her family.

But to her, you're family.

Wow.

What's all this?

Well, we were hoping
you might like a little brunch.

But you don't need me.

And why would you?
I haven't been there for you.

And I know I always talk about my life,

but it's just because...
I envy you all in so many ways.

I just want to be as amazing as you are.

No. You are amazing.

Now, I don't know if you've heard,

but you're writing a cookbook.

Everybody's talking about it.

Well, good.

Because I'm gonna need those
recipes you offered up.

I'm gonna put them front and center.

Really?

Of course.

I mean, yes, it's
a Beverly Goldberg Cookbook,

but who's Beverly Goldberg
without her Frentas?

With that, my mom got
her best friends back.

All it took was a little help

from the most unlikely of places.

Thanks to my dad,
the Frentas finally realized

that when it came to my mom,
they were family, too.

Wow. Is that you?

Doesn't matter.

No, it does.

You're right.

We're stupid and selfish

and have no idea how good we have it.

Look, I didn't want you to
feel bad about what you have,

but we all dreamed of coming
here to start a new life.

Well, we really are grateful
that we have a grandfather

who was brave enough to go look for one.

Thank you.

But I'm not the one
you have to apologize to.

In the end, sometimes the best
way to say you're sorry

is to start over.

You're packing?

But your trip's not over
for another week.

I think is nothing to see here.

You may be wrong about that.

Is tickets?

To the Phillies game.

We wanted to show you America
can be pretty awesome.

Gleb ended up having
the best trip of his life.

And 'cause of Pops,

we made memories that
would last a lifetime.

That's the thing about family.

You'll find that if you just

take the time to get to know them,

they can go from being perfect strangers

to people you really love.

- This American fashion make no sense.
- Those are Z Cavariccis.

They're the coolest
in trouser technology.

But why must there be two belts?

'Cause two is always better than one.

Just like wings on an airplane
or a Twix.

Gleb not sure he can pull off
LL Cool J hat.

Oh, you will with these bad boys.

But you see much less with these.

It's not about seeing.

It's about being seen.

It seems like ugly fad

which will not stand test of time, yes?

Trust us, G, the way you look
right now will always be cool.

Always.

There we go.