All language subtitles for Tu Mi Turbi Roberto Benigni (1983)

YOU DISTURB ME

During Christ...

Come on! Let's go!

Come on.

Sheeps have to move by themselves.

Go, Lost!

Do not stop!

Come here! Go to the other side!

Look, I'll quit, I'll change
job!

I will be no longer a sheperd.
Come here!

Do not make me angry, it's late.

Come.

Lost, come here!

Is it you, Benign?

Benign!

Lost!

Come here! Do you want to
be alone?

I'm so unlucky with sheeps...

Come here!

Benign!
- Hi, Joseph!

How are you?
- Fine, and you?

Fine.
- Come here!

Joseph!
- My dear Benign...

How are you?
- And you? - Fine.

We never meet. Did you grow
your beard?

It's nice, isn't it?
- Well done.

Do you remember how much fun
we had as kids?

And now...

How are things going?
- Bad, unfortunately.

I'm loosing all the sheeps.

Do you remember the flock I had?
It looked like a cloud.

Someone must have put a spell on me.

Every day 10 sheeps are getting
lost, I lost my dog and everything...

Only this one...

...is left...

I've lost even the last one!
That's my end as a sheperd.

I'm sorry. Do you need a flock?

I wish.

Are you free tonight?
- Yes, why?

Me and Mary have been invited
for a dinner... - You and Mary?

Yes, do you remember her?
- Your wife.

I haven't seen her for a long time,
how is she? - Fine, thanks.

We'd have to leave our little
boy alone...

Boy? What!?

Didn't you have a girl?
- No, a boy.

A boy?
- Jesus.

Jesus? - He's a lively boy, a
little devil. He never sleeps.

Is his name Jesus? - Yes.
- Nice!

Do you want me to watch over him?
- Yes.

One evening you and Mary have
to come to my house. - Sure.

Someone else will watch over him.

Go, I'll watch over him.

Thanks, Benign.

Mary, come! Benign will be
watching over Jesus.

Joseph, you've got a bit fat.

Lost! I've lost all the sheeps!

Thanks, Benign.

You're welcome, Mary...

Let's go, Mary.

Have fun!

A boy?

Jesus! Little Jesus...

Where are you?

Jesus!

He's hidden to scare me.

Hey?

You want to scare me,
but I do scare you!

I'm Benign,...

...the wicked devil!

How nice ancient lamps!

Jesus!

Jesus!

I'm Satan Beelzebub,...

...I'm looking for Jesus!

Look, there's a lot of stuff here.

I wish I had a boy like you.

Instead my Lazarus...

...is nice, but unbearable.
I can't make him get up from bed.

Every morning I use to shout:
"Lazarus, walk! Arise!"

He pretends to be dead and lies
in till 4 pm.

What a lazybones, my dear Joshua.

Look how nice business your
father has started up!

At the beginning he looked
a bit silly, no offence.

As kids we had fun of him,
we used to say: "Here's Joseph!"

I thought that he would not
even get married,...

...instead he has a nice wife,
a nice business, a nice boy...

Jesus! Little Jesus!

Where did you go?

Nothing's coming to my mind to
entertain you...you're a serious kid!

My dear Jesus, here we are,
me and you!

You're serious...how old are you?

Five! Well said, you look
as old as you're.

Did I ever tell you about
when you were born?

Very nice! You'd have seen
what a celebration!

It had been snowing all
night long.

I brought a sheep to your father
and mother in a hut.

Sky was starry, it looked
like a crèche.

People came from everywhere, a convention
had to be held probably somewhere.

Camels, blacks, Americans,
Yugoslavs arrived,...

...people from everywhere!

It looked like a carnival!
I had fun.

But it was not carnival, it was Christmas!
You were born just for Christmas.

On December the 25th, year zero.

You were born just in year zero, infact we're
in the 5th year after Jesus now, so to say.

Yes.

On December the 25th, you're Capricorn.

It's a nice sign, even lucky.

It's just the sign of ordinary
people...

...living a peaceful life,
with no jolts.

You'll have a rather regular life,
I'm happy for you.

My dear Jesus, life is hard.

Today one needs to make miracles
to go ahead.

I'm giving you an advice.

Do not deal with politics,
forget that,...

...do not make speeches in
front of people.

Religion is even worse.

Priests are terrible, they
are swines.

They are corrupt, they affect
your intestine.

Power, fights, forget them.

They overcome you, they press
you into power, got it?

Be strong, do not get oppressed.

And if one slaps in your cheek,...

...punch him on his gums,...

...so you won't be punched back.

Got it?

Then marry a local, nice,...

...healthy girl, with no infections
and make a family.

Do not get married soon though,
enjoy life!

Enjoy it till 32, 33 years at least.

Wine, dances, dancing parties,...

...drink, throw yourself on the
ground, 'cause life is short!

Fire blew out!

Is there some wood?

That's an advice I can give you.

Look, just on your foot!

Look how strange woods your
father is making.

Do you want me to imitate a horse?
Do you know it?

Come, I always do that with
my son.

Here.

The horse.

Look what I have to do. The
horse has become lame.

Onto ground. One, two, three!

Enough, I give up!

You're completely dirty.

Yours will say that I'm a dirty
sheperd, used to lambs.

I use to wash dirty lambs
in a tub.

Last bucketful, bath is ready.

Come here, a nice dive.

A nice dive...

Down.

This water must be hard.

I've got a softer water at my
home, one can go down.

This is a different water.

Look what kind of water they
use here. Nice.

You can swim in a strange style,
"Jesus' style".

Freestyle, it's a very free one.

Come on.

Down. But you're not a child,
you're a rubber boat.

You know, there're some strange people
who can go down into the water.

I met some children who can go
down into the water.

How strange children.

So I will wash your feet,...

...your feet are tidy.

It's a trick, isn't it?

I can also make it, I can
stand on ice.

Let's wash ourselves this way.

Also my nephew Judas use to
play jokes on me.

He's sly, evil, a snake.
But he's good, he always kisses me.

Show me...Your head and even your
face are not to be washed.

An ear, the other one...

What's in here?

Enough, let's dry ourselves off.

Dry off!

Ok.

Look how dirty you were and you
didn't want to wash yourself!

Come, bath is over.
Are you hungry?

I'd like to have a dinner.
There's nothing unfortunately.

Better, I think that a fish
is left.

But it's only one, this.
Who is going to eat it?

Me? Thanks, very kind of you.

It's even good.

Dinner is over, there's
nothing anymore.

Thanks.

Look over there!
A private ownership.

Look here!

Another one! I'm giving you this,
you eat it and dinner is over...

They are even good.
They are really well made.

Look over there! There's
a veal with no milk!

Look!

Miracle, the biggest miracle ever!

See? I can do it even with
bread.

If you give a loaf,...

I'll make 712 loafs and a
baker appear.

It depends on the day.
Look there!

Nothing, sometimes I fail.

It can be useful when you're grown up,
if you're in some troubles.

I like you because you're joyous.
I like all your family.

You, your father Joseph,
hard working,...

...your mother Mary...

Mary...

Mary...Mary...I can even
tell you,...

I've always liked your mother
Mary a lot.

When we were young, I was
just in love with her.

Yes, I liked her. I was a young
boy, not ugly...

And so...

...I just liked her a lot.

Nothing ever happened and noboby
has ever known that, not even her.

Maybe once, one day she took
a look at me, but...

...I could no longer make it,
I was dreaming of her,...

...I wanted to see her, hug
and hold her into my arms.

I wanted to have any talk with her,
such as: "How old are you?"

Even a sentence, but I was
never able to make it.

I just liked her, one day I
had even decided to tell her.

I went out, I met her and she said
to me: "I'll marry Joseph".

I cried out: "No!" and she said:
"Yes". I felt a bit sorry.

I asked her: "Why are you
going to marry Joseph?"

She replied: "I have to. I have to..."
and this made an impression on me.

Someone was insisting, even
in her dreams by night.

She couldn't tell me who was because
this guy was so influential.

People never mind their business.
But then she was getting on well.

I was feeling bad for while, but
at last everything goes by.

If your mother married me,
you were not even born...

..and a girl was born.

But a child or another one,
world wouldn't even be changed.

I tell you a fairy tale and
then you go to bed.

There was a father who had
two sons,...

...one was called Prodigal and
the other one...Forget.

This Prodigal was a nervous guy,
he was always angry.

One day he said: "I'm going away"
and the father: "Where?"

...and he said: "Wherever I like!"
and they started to have it out.

He got nervous for any stupid
thing.

One day he lost a sheep, but
he didn't even watch it.

When his father died, he came
back home and said:

"Show me the testament! Not
the old, but the new one!"

They started to argue and
he got angry.

I never figured out well how
come,...

...but at a certain point he
bought a garden.

He needed oil so he planted
three olive trees.

Then he begun to throw stones to everyone.
He said: "I throw the first stone!"

When he was without his friend
Julian Sin, he used to throw stones.

He said: "I'm without Sin
and I throw the first stone."

He got a beam into his eye
and said:

"Remove it, I can't see the speck!"
he had some specks...

In short, that Prodigal
was an idiot.

In short, a big mess occurred
and there was light at last.

Power was on, two guys went to
jail and one got a knee injure.

Then his brother left to do
military service...

...and the mother felt bad,
you don't know how much, Jesus.

She called the waiter, Baptist,
and said to him: "Come here, John".

He threw a water bucket onto
her head, he had this mania.

He made everyone get wet saying:
"I'm Baptist".

He played these jokes, he
threw buckets of water.

Here, my dear Jesus...

Benign. - I felt asleep,
but I had your child.

Our apologies, we have been
late.

No problem, do not worry.

Thanks, may God give credit to you.
- No problem. I go to bed, good night.

Good night, Mary.
- Joseph, help me to lift the veil.

Yes, Mary.

Good night.

Lost.

Lost, come here!

Los...

ANGEL

Angel!

Angel!

Angel!

Why are you crying out so loud?
Do you think it's noon?

I've lost my angel, I've been
running since this morning.

What?
- My angel has left me.

What?
- I've lost my angel.

It's impossible, angels never
get lost alone.

I've lost him.
- We're not allowed to get lost.

Yet once we got lost.
- Where?

Going through countryside to my mother's.
- I remember, it was very foggy.

But it was summer. - It was winter.
- No, it was summer.

Angel!

Angel!

Excuse, have you found an angel maybe?

As many feathers as you like,
but never whole angels.

Thanks.

Angel!

Angel!

Where are you going alone?
- I'm alone 'cause I've lost my angel.

Better! I wish all of them got
lost, they don't let me work!

Why don't you stay with us? C'mon.
- Gladly, but...

Luana, how did it go?
- Goodbye. - No, wait.

Did they pay you?
- Yes, but we have to change room.

There's an angel alone in our room.
- An angel alone?

Who are you?
- A friend...Where is the angel alone?

There. Who are you?
- I'm...Where is there?

There.
- Thanks.

Where are you going? Come!

PARADISE HOTEL

Angel!

Excuse me, I was looking for
my angel.

Excuse me, are you alone too?

No, he's in the bathroom. - Ah, he's
in the bathroom, I thought as much.

Did you see an angel alone
by chance?

Upstairs? Thanks, good night.

Hi, angel!

It's me!

I was late because there was
a lot of traffic.

On summer people use to crowd
at the same time...

Do you really want to leave
me, angel?

Got it.

Do not think that you tell
me the things...

You know that your wings have
changed since...

I ran to come here. I arrived at
my home and you...

Yesterday you went off without
informing me,...

...but keep in mind that
you couldn't even do that!

Just kidding now actually. If you want
to leave...we're not childrens at all.

If you want to leave, just tell me...

We've a long lasting relation, we've been
always telling each other everything.

If you want to leave, just tell
me. But...

All the sentences usually spoken
in these cases now come to my mind.

If you leave, my life will
mean nothing then.

I'm finished without you,
let's try again.

Our relation can be nice
and positive,...

...essential for the life
of the both of us.

It's not worth to lose all that
we have been giving each other.

Maybe you're right, sometimes I'm
mistaken, but I will try to change.

And then it's not clear...

Now you have to tell me, once
for all,...

...you have to be honest.

Do you want to leave me forever?

Yes.

Speak, tell me something, I've
been running for you all night long.

I'm leaving forever.

Here, a sentence is enough to
make a man feel better.

Is it possible that...
Well, be quiet, don't you?

It's never clear, you're always
ambiguous, even now.

What does "I'm leaving forever"
mean?

What does "I'm leaving" mean?

I never understand something when
you speak. Why do you want to leave me?

Why should I have to stay with you?

Your life is flawless,

but nobody knows how much
living with you is heavy.

You wake up every morning

and I feel uncomfortable thinking
of you while getting dressed

or going to the bathroom always at
the same time with the same comics.

Everything seemed to me so soft,

but now I even know how many steps
you make from bathroom to room.

I can't stand your way of walking,
of saying "well",

when you turn on the light
while I'm sleeping,

when I feel sick and you get annoyed,
when you talk to me or when you don't.

When you turn on TV three times
in a week to watch...

"Francis, the talking mule"

and ask me how a mule can talk.

There's a trick...Yes, there's
a trick.

I can't stand when we go dinner

and you've been ordering a
little steak for years because

you don't trust restaurants.

A little steak...

Do you know that oysters and
Chinese restaurants exist?

A little steak...

You're boring. Compared to you,
an accountant looks like James Dean.

Do you know that I've never
got suprised in many years?

Never raised my eyebrows this way.
Never.

A little bit should be enough,

just order an ossobuco instead
of a little steak,

to let me say: "I stay with a
lunatic!"

What difference does it make
if I leave?

And do you wonder why I felt
in love with another one?

Did you slip it, didn't you?

You said: "I felt in love with
another one"!

Did you fall in love with another
one, didn't you? I noticed that...

I didn't notice that because I
trusted you and I still do.

Don't go away.

Who is? Tell me, I won't
do anything against you.

I'd come to know anyway.
- It's him.

Ah, really?

It's him, that is...

Are you in love with him?

What does he have more than me?

I thought that you had more
taste.

For me too, given that everyone
has the rival he deserves.

This one has occurred to me.

Women are all the same!

I knew that you were seeing him,

but I didn't think that it was
such an erotic and serious thing.

I don't amaze you, instead he does.
He satisfies you.

Ah, really? Did I ever amaze you?

Ok.

So I'll make your eyebrows arise,
I'm playing a game for you.

I'll do a thing that not
even he can do.

There's nothing he can't do.
- Sure?

There's one thing and I'll give
you as a present. Let's play a game.

I'll kill myself.

I'll go close to the window
and count to 5...to 6...

Count to 9 and...

So you...
- That's true, he can't do this.

He tried, but he's just not
able to kill himself.

Will I do it? Do you love
me or not?

Fine, it's better to be clear.
So I'll throw myself.

I didn't throw myself out of
window...Help!

Are you really not interested?
Look, I'll do it!

I'm here. I'll kill myself!

5, 6, 7...

Do you love me or not? 8, 9...

Angel! Oh, no...again, Angela!

What's up?
- Angela, come here.

What's wrong with you?
- Angela, I had a dream...

Do you think it's the right moment? A bad one?
- Very bad! I've been falling asleep for 5 minutes.

Come on, friends are leaving.
- You too?

Not at all!
- Do not leave.

Let's go.
- Oh my! It was terrific.

Peek a boo! Surprise!

We have really had fun!

Nice idea having a masquerade dance
on August! How did it come to your mind?

I don't know.
- Bye.

Nice dress!
- Do you like my devil?

Next time I will dress up
as Sandokan.

When will you have the next one?
- Soon.

Come on, within August. Bye, Luisa.
- Bye.

Bye.
- Will you go with them?

The others?
- They left earlier, it's late.

What time is it?
- It's four o'clock.

Bye!
- Bye!

Didn't you know that I like
ossibuchi? Really!

And Chinese restaurants and
oysters as well. I'm really mad!

I'm always dreaming that you don't
want to be with me, but to leave with him.

If you want to leave, tell me.
- What are you saying? Help me.

Yes, excuse me.

I've been having the same dream
for three nights in a row.

Did you have fun?
- Yes.

Are you sleepy? Are you tired?
- A bit.

I can't take it any more!
How is that possible?

Having a masquerade

any time that I want to
invite friends!

But I wanted to meet some people.
- Oh my!

You're right, always homebound!
I'd like to have a walk.

If they arranged a procession,...

...a recital of Annunciation...
People are always lazy here.

And beware then, Angela.

If you come closer to the window,
they'll see you. They got it and gossip.

If they discover that you're a real angel,
they'll let you end up like King Kong.

They'll put you on display, set up
a circus and tear you down by aircrafts.

Human beings are fearsome!

Him! You want to go away with him!

Listen.

By the way, how is he?

What does he look like?

Angela, how is he?

I saw him once. I got a laugh,
he's so skinny!

At the bank

That's a real jewel, ladies
and gentlemen!

40 square meters, you can make two rooms...
- I'll purchase it.

Apartment sold, thanks!

That's a real jewel, ladies
and gentlemen!

40 square meters and two bathrooms,
always useful.

Very bright, you can make two rooms
by a partition wall there.

Small but two rooms.
- I'll purchase it.

Apartment sold, thanks!

That's a real jewel, ladies
and gentlemen!

40 square meters, you can make two rooms...
- I'll purchase it.

Apartment sold, thanks!

That's a real jewel, ladies
and gentlemen!

40 square meters...
- I'll purchase it.

See you tomorrow for the contract.
- Did it cost 50 millions, didn't it?

No, 100.
- Even better! Where to find all that money?

One part tomorrow and another...
- All the money tomorrow.

What are 100 millions today?
- Today? - No, tomorrow.

Ask a bank and they will lend you.
- A bank? - Sure.

Thanks for your advice.
- You're welcome. Apartment sold!

EXCHANGE

TELLER

240, 250, 260...

Here're your 300 millions.

Tell me.
- 100 millions are enough for me.

Your name? - Benign.
For a house I purchased.

There's no such name.
Did you draw a check? - No.

First write a check, then
I'll give you the money.

I'll write a check and you'll
give me 100 millions?

I thought that it was more complicated.
- Do you have a bankbook on? - No.

Get one from my colleaugue, write
a check and I'll give you the money.

Thanks.
- You're welcome.

May I help you? - I want two or three
attached checkes, for your colleaugue.

- Attached? - Yes, I've to write
one to get 100 millions.

Do you need a bankbook?
- Give me these checkes.

A bankbook for 10 or for 20?
- One for 100. 100 millions.

Let's make 10 bankbooks for 10.
- Even two for 50, it's the same.

What's your number?
- My number?

5821364.

It's a pension.
Like before...

It doesn't seem so.

Is it busy or no answer?
- No, it doesn't exist.

The pension's mistress is a bit
deaf, she might have not heard.

Aren't you the owner?
- I wish! It's a nice pension.

Do you have to withdraw a pension
on behalf of an old deaf lady?

Do not make me angry!

Give me two attached checkes, I've
to write them to get 100 millions.

Do you have an account with this bank?
- No, I have to withdraw.

Hence, don't you have an account here?
So you need a loan! - You're slow!

Well, you can talk to our manager.
- Wake up!

I'll lead you to our manager,
wait for me at that door. - Fine.

Are we going to him together?
- Yes, I'll introduce you.

Pretty please!

Just a moment to introduce you.

Come in, please.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Presidential Decree January the
21th 1976, number 7. Bond issue...

Nice to meet you, my name's Godhelpyou.
- Be he always praised! - Thanks.

Can you please bring me Pallandri's
statement? Thanks.

Yes. As soon as possible, thanks.

Excuse me...
- Yes.

Yes, agreed.

Good morning.
- We're at your disposal.

Tell us.

I'd like that we remain alone.
- We're alone.

Please, tell us.

Do you mean it as a bank usufruct?
- Sure.

You're alone, but why do you say: "Tell us"?
- Yes, the employee got out.

I need...
- Tell us.

Hold it! Attention! Excuse me...
- Please tell us.

We...I'll tell you...
- Please, tell us.

They are, a form of the verb...

I came here, mr Godhelpyou,

to make this withdrawal

from your bank. Keep calm!

Mr manager...
- Yes?

Let's keep calm, if we're getting
angry right away, it's all over.

To have a good relax!
- Keep calm.

Yes.
- Many thanks, mr manager.

I'm going to set up home
in this small town...

..of capital.

The first quintessential thing for
someone who wants to set up home

is actually to reach the place,
that's the most common thing.

Second thing of primary
geographic order

is to have home in this town.

Home: singular feminine.

I found it just yesterday,
40 square meters, two rooms,

very bright, "I purchased it" ,
signed, 100 millions.

They told me that in this town you
go to the bank and can get a loan.

Well, I'd like to get a loan
from you, but not...

Excuse me for a moment.
- Thank goodness!

Hello? I'm finishing the article.
The amount of subsidies...

must have been fixed by
welfare at a 20% rate.

Thanks. Bye.

Sorry. You can tell us now.

Well, you need a loan of 100
millions to purchase a house.

Exactly.
- But I don't know you personally.

I don't know you either, but
I trust you. Chill out.

Yes, but do you know how
banks work?

Any ideas about?
- Sure.

It's simple, it's all about
guarantees.

Let me come to an end. I'd like
not to pass as a sponger.

I'm not that kind of guy which you give
money and don't see anymore then.

I'm not such kind of guy and
I don't let you think of that!

I'm going to sign a piece of
paper where I'll state:

"I will pay the invoice of
this bank

which I credit to the credit
card with a 5% rate, etc...

I withdrawn these 100 millions which I'll
give you back!"...when it happens to me.

One day I pop in, I give you 5 millions back,
so 95 are left...Until we're even.

You need a loan to purchase
a house. - Exactly.

You could get your money invested.

What? - You could get them
invested somewhere.

100 millions in garments?
- Yes.

I don't...

I don't know how much they
are worth.

Maybe adding even the kid
stuff, shorts, coats...

But I cannot reach an amount
equal to 100 millions.

Is there anybody having 100 millions
in garments? - Even billions!

If I or you had 2 billions, we would
get them invested, wouldn't we?

Sure, one can buy a nice wardrobe!
Let's buy this tailor's shop!

Where would billions end up if
they weren't invested?

Why should I leave 100 billions
undressed?

So you don't have 100 millions
invested.

Maybe you have some stocks though.

Be clear.

I mean some bonds.
- Mr manager, control yourself!

Do you speculate on the Stock Exchange?
- Sometimes, when I was a child.

But now I've lost a bit...

And it's dangerous, you can hurt yourself!
- Hurt?

Today down, tomorrow up!
- Of course.

Nice person you're!
- You're a bit rollicking person!

With a nice and lively youngster like you!
- Listen...

Then do you know how much
a bank loan costs today?

At least a 25% rate a year.

So in a year you'll have 125 millions,
in two years 150 and in four 200.

Maybe I won't need 200 millions
in four years!

Do not go too far! Give me these
100 millions now and that's enough!

Then we'll get dressed, play...
But now forget it.

Even if I wanted to help you along,

if you don't give these 100
millions back in the set terms,

you'll face a default, really
a big one!

Better. - Why better? Look that
this default is very heavy!

We have the same tastes,
I like hard stuff too!

Well said.

But let's forget women, let's
not dish up off topic things.

I came here to ask you for money

for a thing of primary need,
my home.

Forget default.

Even if you forget these 100
millions, I'll take care of them.

You don't remember, but I do remember
and I'll give you back 2, so 98 are left...

then 97...and we're even in the end.

There's a misunderstanding perhaps.

You came here with no invested
money, no bonds, no stocks

and do you want 100
millions from us?

Manager!

Don't you want to give 100 millions? You're
going against your name, mr Godhelpsyou.

You're contradicting yourself!

Got it?

It's sure that I have nothing
and I'm here to ask for 100 millions.

If I had one billion, would you
give me the money? - Sure.

"Sure..."

But if I had one billion, I'd
give you 100 millions myself!

Take them! I don't even want them
back, anyway I'm left with 700.

Many thanks!

I don't want them back, put
them in your pocket.

If I've got one billion, he gives me 100
millions. And if I need an eggplant,

must I have a billion of them
at home?

Got it?

The greengrocer never asked if
I had a billion of eggplants,

peaches or pears, never!

Mr Godhelpyou, you're going against
your name, you're contradicting yourself!

Manager, but what point are we now?

What's this painting?

How could you think so?

Got it?
- I feel like dreaming.

With all the money you have!

You're talking about our incomes,
but what about our outflows?

It depends on where you're going!
Do you think you can cheat me?

Is this an entry or an exit?
Are you going to make a quiz show?!

Which is the capital of France?
Let's talk seriously!

I'll make an example for you by a pen.
This bank has 15.000 employees.

15.000!
- How many? - 15.000.

Will we give them two pens
daily? - Let's give them.

One pen costs 200 Lire, this
makes 3 millions daily, 90 monthly,

1 billion of cash outflow
in a year only as to pens!

1 billion...

And you let an only pen with a
billion in pocket get out

and are you denying me 100
millions for a house?

Manager, but what point are we now?

So, should I matter less than a pen?
Should I be compasses for you?

You'd have to launch a stationery
store!

You have an inkpot in the place
of your heart!

Manager! Keep still there,
mr Godhelpyou!

What should I do to get
100 millions, stealing?

So kidnappers are doing well!
You have to steal, kill,

fornicate or covet my neighbor’s wife!

Manager, honour your father
and your mother!

What should I have to do?

I'm opposed to kidnappers
and terrorists

who steal instead of asking bank
for a loan of 100 millions.

But if they find guys like you...

So I'll kidnap your three sons.

Do you want them back? 100 millions!

A picture of them with a newspaper,
a page in a bin,

tonight 100 millions must be brought under
the oak or you won't see your sons anymore!

Still!

I must do this! Will you give
100 millions? - Yes!

Too late!

Beware, he's armed!
- Manager!

This is a robbery!

This is a real jewel!

40 square meters...

The two soldiers

This story is dedicated to
two Italian youngsters.

Two obscure and unknown heroes,
silent as marble,

watching out an obscure and
unknown hero.

Motionlessly they keep watch so that
the nation's flame never burns out.

Two imperative orders: keep still
and, most of all, not to speak.

Anything could happen, not to speak.
TO THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER

Idiot!
- Stupid!

Fool!
- Stupid!

Dumb!
- Yokel!

See!
- What? I didn't move.

You've moved! Nine to nothing.

Nine to one!
- To nothing!

Nine to one!
- When should I have moved?

Wednesday you moved when
I said to you: "Blockhead"!

Blockhead...you're a blockhead!

Ten to nothing.

It makes me so angry...
Ten to one in case...

Excuse me, what's the name of
that Roman

who was closed in a barrel
with nails

and then was thrown down?

Attilio Regolo.
- Exactly. Dead.

Everyone has to die, us included.

We'll die too.

Will we go to Hell, Purgatory,
or Paradise?

1, X, 2?

What's the name of the one who
invented the turbo engine?

I don't know.
- Turbo engine, you disturb me.

You disturb me, lady.

I'm saying to you, lady:
"You disturb me"!

Look that we could neither move
nor speak according to the rules.

Niether move nor speak...and I do move
and speak. Lady, "You disturb me".

You dis...

Here's soldier no. 1!
Is everything ok, soldier no. 2?

Check position, soldier no. 2.
I'm saying to you, loafer!

Do not make me repeat the things
for tons of times!

Soldier no. 2, attack! Into the trench!

Beware of enemy!
There's a Russian, shoot!

No, Russians are with us,
shoot that Chinese!

Who did sent the Chineses to war?
They are too many!

Who did put this submarine here?
Soldier no. 2, move it!

Submarine are in the water,
you're amphibious,

give way to tank.
Beware of "stop"!

Colonel, picket corporal! Hearts...

Two of clubs! Picket!

Soldier no. 2!

It's for you, are you ready?

He's not here.

Soldier no. 2!

Attention! At ease!

Stand up! Lie down!

Shoot!

Wounded! It's a scratch.
Soldier no. 2, lady, you disturb me.

How boring staying here!

My dear mom, I'm a soldier,

and I'm suffering.

If something happens to me,
don't cry, because

I'll send you a picture of me by a friend
of mine, called "Lady, you disturb me" .

He's nice.

Soldier no. 2? Yes, he's here.

It's for you, will you answer?

If you play this stupid joke
of the phone call again,

I'll break a shotgun on
your head, got it?

It's for me, I was waiting
for a phone call.

Is it you, Eugenia?

Call me later, someone is
a bit irritable.

I'm on a public telephone,
there're people waiting.

I'll be calling you. Bye.
- Listen...

It's free now!
- Tonight I just don't want to kid.

Please, do not get on my nerves.

If you play again this joke which
only an idiot like you can play,

any person they want,

I'll come there, tie the phone around
your neck and strangle you! Got it?

Over.
- Ok.

In case they call...

In case someone calls, I won't
answer. Done.

I'll let it ring.

Listen how long they're insisting!

Maybe it's urgent.

Enough!

Beware.

Sterilized...scalpel.

Soldier no. 2!
- I can't take it anymore!

I can't wait to leave.

How long is to finish? What's
the time?

I don't know.

Anyway, if you just want to
know what's the time,

I can call the number 161.

It's sure that being here with
you is just a torture.

Good God!

Are you engaged or married?
- A single for now.

I thought so.

What?
- Nothing, well...

No, you said it just to say:
"Fancy that he has a woman!"

Exactly.
- What exactly?

Nothing, well...

You said it just to say:
"Exactly, fancy that he has a woman!"

Right.
- What right?

Do you think it's right that
I don't have a woman? - Yes.

Do you want to get on my nerves?

"Yes", do you think it's right
that I have a woman?

What?
- A woman.

Don't you have a woman?
- I told you that I'm a single!

I thought so.

And do you have a woman? Are you
engaged or married? - Sure, I am.

Ah...I thought so.

I have two.
- What?

Two women. If you want, I'll introduce
them to you. - No, thanks. - You're welcome.

Keep them. We're a clever family,

lady "you disturb me".

From a family of farmers,
"you disturb me" lady.

Are you still not tired?

What't the name of the one
who invented...

This place makes me even a
bit scared.

I'd leave you alone here,
so you'll learn the lesson.

No, do not leave.

Listen... - You're not allowed to
speak or move, respect the rules.

I don't respect them.

Do you want a cigarette?
- Are you an idiot?

If they see you, you'll end up in
jail forever! Throw it out! Look who's here!

Did they see me?

But does this flame ever
burn out? - Never.

It's the nation's eternal flame.

What if it rains? - The nation's
eternal flame cannot be burnst out.

In your opinion, but I'd only need
to put one of my spells on it.

Which spells?
- What? Which spells?!

Indeed...did I ever tell you?
- Come on!

Wait...about the fact that I am...

Didn't you know? I'm a wizard.

Seriously, my family is...
My father is a fakir.

He's a "super fakir", really!

And my mother...

We're are all half horoscopes.
Really! I've a cousin zodiac.

We're all a bit homoeopathic,
seriously.

Do you believe me? I'm a wizard.
- No.

No?

Do you dare to challenge
and prove me?

Wretched being with no medium!
- Now even a wizard!

Stop with these stupid jokes!
- Don't move, supine being!

Don't move! You're under the
influence of Zaganga wizard!

Can you hear a tingling
in the plant system?

Don't move, vegetarian!

I'm hypothesizing you!
You're totally hypothesized!

You're not feeling good,
you've some dizziness...

You don't have your will anymore!

Attention...acupuncture!

Don't move! Attention...

You're totally caught into a swirl!

Snakes all around your legs!
Don't look at them!

Vipers, go back!
Cobra, can't you see maybe?

Rattlers, how can I tell you
not to come closer to his legs?

Go away!

Beware of boa constrictor! No fear...

Here! A penguin has just
appeared on your right.

How nice penguin. It came off
really well.

How are you, penguin? It's cold,
isn't it?

Look how nice penguin.

Don't move, snakes.

There's really a penguin,
no kidding!

It's on your right.

Beware of snakes!

What are you doing, are you
throwing them on me?

If the penguin bothers you,
I'll make it disappear.

Away! It doesn't want to disappear.

I'm leaving alone, anyway
it doesn't bother anyone.

Stay. Sit down, penguin.

Later we'll go and have a
cappuccino together.

A cappuccino for me and my penguin.
- You disgust me if only I look at you!

How weird is the world.

Once a man was a monkey, do you know?
- Yes, and woman was a kangaroo!

Why not?

And where the monkey come from,
from a chicken? - Maybe.

And the chicken? - From an egg.
- And the egg?

From God.
- And God? - Nobody knows.

I know it.

What?
- I know it.

Really?
- Yes.

And who did tell you? - One who knew
but was not allowed to reveal it.

One day he told it by mistake.
- What?

We were together at a restaurant.

He looked out and said:
"How nice the world! God made it!"

And: "How nice God! He was made by..."

So he revealed it.

So, who did make God?
- I'm not allowed to tell you.

Why are you so rude with me?
What have I done to you?

See how you are? It's no effort!
Tell me the first letter at least.

Ok, "B" .
-"B" ...

Blond or dark-haired?
- Dark-haired.

Dark-haired? Yes, he's one... - Don't
tell me, I want to discover him by myself.

Dark-haired with the "B" letter...

Italian?
- Italian.

Is he alive?
- He's.

How old is he?
- 30-35 years old.

Tell me the second letter.
-"U" .

"U"? "U".
-"B" e "U" . "Bu" .

"Bu" made God, 35 years old, alive.
Who could be?

Do you trust in God?
- Yes, I do.

Why? Because when I was a child,
just to try I said:

"God, if you exist,

in 10 seconds rain!"

After 10 seconds a terrible
downpour felt down.

Damn...Do it again, ask him
for hail.

You try.
- I feel like laughing, I'm afraid.

Go ahead!
- May I ask you for something? - Yes.

God, if you exist,

in 10 seconds, snow!

Seven, eight...and nine!
It's 9 o' clock.

Miracle!
- Which miracle?

Didn't you say "In 10 seconds,
nine"? - "Nine" not at all, snow!

I said "snow" .
- Snow?

I had heard "nine", to say the truth.
- "Nine"?

When you ask for miracles,
you must be clear.

You can't say it so badly.

Maybe God is not sure and thinks
that you said "nine".

What? Did people start to spell out,
when they asked Jesus for miracles?

"Jesus, give me the sight again!"
And Jesus: "What? The light?"

"No, the sight! "S" like Sorrento!"
Fancy that!

Yes, you must be clear and
spell out.

C'mon! Anyway I had said "snow" .

Sorrento, Naples, Orvieto, Wien.
Snow, God...snow!

10 seconds.

Tell me the last letter, c'mon!
- Hey, c'mon...

Ok, the last one and then
that's that. "C" .

"Buc"?
-"Buc".

"Buc"...Who can he be?

I know.
-"Buc"...

"Buc" ...

fansubs by quidtum August 2013