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♪
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[Leon] Larry, it's Leon!
3
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The fuck?
4
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[Leon] What's going on, man?
5
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It's fucking crazy in this fucking room.
6
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What are these motherfucking
shades, man?
7
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Oh, my God.
8
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You need sunlight, man.
You turning white.
9
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- The fuck is going on?
- What are you doing?
10
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What?
I'm in a hotel.
11
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You think you're safe in a hotel?
12
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I think I'm safer here than in my house.
13
00:01:00,644 --> 00:01:01,478
The bottom line is this, Larry--
14
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You can't fucking hide here.
15
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These motherfuckers want you,
they're gonna come and get you.
16
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,359
Cut your fucking hands
off, cut your feet off,
17
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:08,777
put your feet in your back pockets,
18
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,194
put your hands in your front pockets,
19
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and then carry your ass out of here
20
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like a piece of fucking luggage.
21
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[Jeff] How are you helping?
22
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I'm just letting him know what happens.
23
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You don't need this shit.
24
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You go to your house.
No one's coming.
25
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:20,539
I talked to the FBI guy.
He's not gonna lie.
26
00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:21,748
No one is coming.
27
00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:24,543
But I can't go back to the house.
28
00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:26,920
I gotta move or sell the
house or something.
29
00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:29,006
No, no, no, no. You can't
fucking sell the house.
30
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All of my ladies know
I live there already.
31
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You're gonna set me back
two or three years.
32
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,970
No, fucking stay there.
You fucking stay.
33
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Get back to your life.
Get back on the horse now!
34
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- Okay, give me two minutes.
- [Jeff] Yeah.
35
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- Proud of ya.
- My man.
36
00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:10,422
Ah.
37
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I was there first.
I should've got that.
38
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I was too busy looking in the
mirror 'cause I'm so vain.
39
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,512
It's no big deal.
I got it.
40
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Thank you, thank you.
41
00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:21,266
Well, look at you.
42
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Look at me.
43
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May I ask you a question?
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- Sure.
- Why this outfit?
45
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It seems that women in your profession,
46
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they-- they dress like
this for some reason.
47
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:36,657
Why not look wholesome? Why
double down on the seediness?
48
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I think I look really good.
49
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- Mm. Mm.
- No?
50
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Mm,
I mean, look at dentists.
51
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,997
They don't walk around
with their smocks on
52
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when they're not in-- when
they're not in their office.
53
00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:49,461
- This is a hooker smock is what you got on.
- I'm a hooker.
54
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,713
I know, but you don't
have to show everybody.
55
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- I don't?
- No! People like a mystery.
56
00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:58,762
Imagine putting on a beautiful dress
from Saks Fifth Avenue, you know?
57
00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:01,848
All right, well, first of all,
I'm-- I'm not able to afford
58
00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:04,851
a dress from Saks Fifth Avenue,
so that's not gonna happen.
59
00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:06,645
You're not able to afford it now,
60
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:10,982
but get one dress and I
guarantee you in six months,
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00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:15,570
your closet will be packed
with dresses like that.
62
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Really?
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Absolutely.
64
00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:21,159
Okay, so I'm gonna put the tits away.
65
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Yeah, put-- put the tits away.
66
00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:24,079
- Animal prints gone.
- Yeah.
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00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,663
- No more hooker boots.
- None. Zero.
68
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- Fishnets, out of here.
- Out.
69
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,627
- I think I could do this.
- I think business is gonna boom.
70
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- I really do.
- Thank you so much.
71
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:34,715
- Oh, well...
- Oh.
72
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:38,301
I-- I'm so thrilled about
this whole thing. Good luck!
73
00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:40,262
Good luck!
You can do it!
74
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,180
- [Larry] Hi.
- Hi.
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00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:45,183
I'm checking out a lot earlier
than I had anticipated.
76
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,686
- Oh, we hate to see you go.
- Okay,1003.
77
00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:50,439
1003. And what is the name on 1003?
78
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,566
Buck Dancer.
79
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:57,028
Uh, okay Mr. Dancer, let
me just bring that up.
80
00:03:57,154 --> 00:04:00,532
- I hope you enjoyed your stay.
- Mm, yeah, yeah, it was fine. It was fine.
81
00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:02,325
Okay, well, be sure to
visit our website.
82
00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,661
You can always give us some
feedback. We love notes.
83
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,037
- Don't tuck in.
- The sheets?
84
00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:07,539
- Don't tuck in?
- Yeah, don't-- don't tuck in.
85
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,541
- Too tight for you?
- Who sleeps like that?
86
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,168
It's suffocating.
87
00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:13,211
- You're right.
- It's absolutely suffocating.
88
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:15,797
Don't tuck. I will take
that note on advisement.
89
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,799
Those cookies, those are for guests?
90
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,885
Oh, absolutely, yes. We have
a wonderful pastry chef.
91
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,553
- Let me know if you need a box.
- Thank you.
92
00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:39,738
Ah, I see you went for the big ones,
Mr. Dancer, right?
93
00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:44,034
- Yes, yes, I got the first.
- Oh, good, good for you. They're delicious.
94
00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:45,577
Uh, just, if I may,
95
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,289
we ask that people use the tongs
when selecting their cookies.
96
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:51,916
Tongs? Yes, yes,
I saw the tongs there.
97
00:04:52,041 --> 00:04:54,419
I eschewed the tongs deliberately
98
00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:57,714
because the tongs are not
made for picking up cookies.
99
00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:59,382
They-- they crumble the cookie.
100
00:04:59,508 --> 00:05:01,176
It's not a good system, the tong.
101
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,970
Uh, we just ask, you know,
that you use the tongs,
102
00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:05,472
which we sort of provide
there on the plate,
103
00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:06,973
you know, just for sanitary reasons.
104
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:08,517
Here, look,
I'll tell you what I'll do.
105
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,601
I'll take my second
cookie with the tongs...
106
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- Thank you.
- ...all right?
107
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,689
Perfect. Great.
108
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,943
Seem to be
making a moment of it,
109
00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,986
- but I'll let you have it.
- I wasn't making a moment.
110
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It's just it's hard to hold it.
111
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,657
Let me ask you this question--
112
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Who put you in charge of the cookies?
113
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Do you oversee the cookies?
114
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I was given explicit instructions
115
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:30,288
to look over the lobby,
which is my jurisdiction.
116
00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:32,207
So, yes, I oversee the cookies.
117
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:35,877
Okay, I-- I don't think this
is within your jurisdiction.
118
00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:37,712
Well, uh, Mr. Dancer,
119
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:40,714
I have enjoyed spending
so much time with you,
120
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,009
and thank you for all
your wonderful notes,
121
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:45,803
and, uh, we hope to see you again.
122
00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:48,473
You say the pastry chef made these?
123
00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,433
Oh, yes.
They're wonderful.
124
00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,101
I got news for you, pal.
125
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:53,687
This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie.
126
00:05:53,812 --> 00:05:55,105
- Okay?
- I...
127
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,648
This is a Pepperidge
Farm cookie, that's it.
128
00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:57,815
Well, I will go to that pastry chef
129
00:05:57,940 --> 00:05:59,067
and I will confront him about it.
130
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,485
Don't tell people these are
131
00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:01,778
home-made cookies by a pastry chef.
132
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:03,822
- Okay, no, I--
- Okay.
133
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,866
- I wouldn't and I didn't.
- This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie.
134
00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:07,576
I don't believe those are
Pepperidge Farm cookies.
135
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:08,827
This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie.
136
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,077
All right,
Mr. Dancer, well,
137
00:06:10,202 --> 00:06:12,247
I will take that into account--
138
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,332
I'm a little disappointed. I could
buy this in the grocery store
139
00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:16,209
on my way home, so.
140
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:18,169
- Okay.
- But anyway, you're putting out Pepperidge Farm.
141
00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:20,171
- Fine, great, okay.
- Okay, great. Thank you so much.
142
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:25,218
Linda, can we get these cookies
out of the way that he touched?
143
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,057
I don't want you to use these
doors anymore. You got that?
144
00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:34,101
- They call this shit "overreacting."
- Is the alarm working?
145
00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:37,355
You should worry about
that goddamn fireplace.
146
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,024
You're gonna fuck around and forget,
147
00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:42,152
and Fatwa Claus gonna come down that
fucking chimney and kill your ass.
148
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,778
What is this shit?
What are you eating?
149
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,779
- Beef sticks.
- Beef stick?
150
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:46,948
You know how bad that is for you?
151
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,408
Have you ever read the ingredients?
152
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:50,118
Have you ever tried one
of these motherfuckers?
153
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,786
- They're fucking delicious.
- They're disgusting.
154
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,079
Look, beef, of course,
155
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:55,916
molasses, wheat, brown sugar.
156
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,918
Brown fucking sugar.
I love fucking brown sugar.
157
00:06:58,043 --> 00:07:01,254
You think black people prefer
brown sugar over white sugar?
158
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,507
Absolutely. Anything brown
over fucking white.
159
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,259
- Pants?
- Of fucking course.
160
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,554
Fuck. Okay, get the door.
161
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:12,974
- Give me this thing.
- Don't you-- don't you bitch up.
162
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,060
Ask who it is.
Don't forget.
163
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:17,520
I'll answer the door.
164
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,608
- Funkhouser.
- Oh.
165
00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,652
- Hi. Kenny.
- What's up, Kenny?
166
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,445
- Hi, Leon. How you doing?
- Hey, man.
167
00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:27,030
Hey, Funk-man.
168
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,032
[Funkhouser] LD, come down here.
169
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,660
- To what do I owe the honor?
- My nephew, Kenny.
170
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,411
- Kenny, hi. Larry. Hi.
- Pleasure to meet you.
171
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:37,040
- The jewel of the Funkhouser family tree.
- Is that so?
172
00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:39,292
- That is so.
- Huh, how about that.
173
00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:42,087
- Straight-A student, okay?
- Mm.
174
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:44,422
Member of six clubs in high school--
175
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:45,757
Runs them all.
176
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:49,552
He was just voted high school
All-American pitcher.
177
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,054
- All right.
- One-of-a-kind.
178
00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:52,764
- Okay. Yeah.
- Now, wait a minute!
179
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,100
If he nails his SATs, which he will...
180
00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:58,603
- Mm-hmm.
- ...he's going to Stanford on a full scholarship.
181
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:01,940
I don't wanna be a hater, but can't
nobody do all that shit in one day.
182
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,567
Well, I mean,
I just work hard and--
183
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:07,445
I'm saying you're making it feel like this
motherfucker's Forrest Gump or something.
184
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:10,573
- You ever see that movie?
- Yeah, I've seen "Forrest Gump."
185
00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:11,783
That motherfucker lived a life.
186
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:14,452
I mean, I'm not-- I'm not
running across the country.
187
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:16,997
- You ever see a titty?
- [Larry] What's the matter with you?
188
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:18,665
What kind of a question is that?
189
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:21,418
Anyway, so, uh, thanks for stopping by.
190
00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:22,877
- Nice to meet you.
- Thank you.
191
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,422
We-- we were just about to
eat, so I'll see you, uh...
192
00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:28,049
- I'd love a sandwich.
- [Kenny] Me, too.
193
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,051
- I'm starved.
- I don't wanna impose, though.
194
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:32,470
We got a lot of meats, man. All
kind of shits in that fridge.
195
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:33,888
- [Funkhouser] Let's do it.
- [Kenny] Yeah!
196
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,265
- Come on.
- Oh, thank you.
197
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,142
You like bologna and shit?
198
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,059
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- You couldn't--
199
00:08:39,184 --> 00:08:40,937
- let me tell you something.
- This kid's a pitcher?
200
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:42,147
Let's get off that.
201
00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:43,815
Looks like he can't lift a chess piece.
202
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:45,607
Yeah, you'd have a good
time hitting him.
203
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:47,861
Here, try that mustard.
It's dope.
204
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,821
[Leon] Larry has all kind
of goodies in here.
205
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:52,115
All kind of cheeses and meats.
206
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,075
- What are you making?
- Sandwiches, baby.
207
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,203
- Who wants a pickle?
- Pickles! I want pickles.
208
00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:59,664
- You can't have a sandwich without pickles, right?
- No!
209
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,917
- [Funkhouser] Tap it, tap it.
- Yeah.
210
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,003
Do you need any help?
I got it, I got it.
211
00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:07,380
Everybody's gotta be the
hero with a pickle jar.
212
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,131
Everybody wants to open it.
213
00:09:09,256 --> 00:09:11,217
You just gotta hit it up.
214
00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:14,679
- Here, give it to the big Funk.
- No, little Funk's got it, okay?
215
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:16,347
- Come on, let me take a shot at it.
- No.
216
00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:18,099
- What are you doing, Kenny?
- No, I got it!
217
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:20,059
- Kenny, give me the jar!
- I got it. Ooh! Oh!
218
00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:21,895
- [Leon] Shit.
- What happened?
219
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,772
- I think I heard it crack.
- Your pitching arm?
220
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,398
- Yeah, that's my pitching arm.
- Oh, my God.
221
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,734
We gotta go to the hospital.
222
00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:30,028
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
- Oh, shut up.
223
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:33,198
- It was an accident!
- I never should've brought him over here!
224
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,575
He tried to open the pickles,
so he took the jar from him,
225
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:39,037
- and you tried to get it from him, too!
- You're trying to do too much.
226
00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:40,997
Valedictorian, now you
wanna be pickle boy.
227
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,458
- You're doing too much!
- Sorry!
228
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:50,298
You know, I think we have a
half open jar in the fridge.
229
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:56,221
What do you know?
230
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:57,554
What do you know?
231
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:01,809
Oh, darling, you're cold. Here.
232
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:04,104
- Here, put this around you.
- I'm just excited.
233
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:11,069
[Roger] Well, that's what
they want me to do.
234
00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:13,404
- I've got a ticket here...
- What's up, Larry?
235
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,782
Yeah.
236
00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:18,284
I had a horrible night last night.
237
00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:19,744
Horrible.
238
00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:21,871
I couldn't sleep, was up all night.
239
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,624
I heard-- I heard someone at the gate.
240
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:30,088
I heard voices and
somebody creeping around the house.
241
00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:31,840
It, like, freaked me out.
242
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,134
Well, you know what? There was a
lot of shit going on last night.
243
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:35,885
I had a little lady friend come over.
244
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:38,763
You know, her girlfriend's
waiting outside in the car,
245
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:41,599
the kid's in the back seat,
jumping around and shit.
246
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,143
You know?
247
00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:45,270
And then I had the pizza guy
come over. He came over--
248
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:48,273
Okay, so-- so it was you. So
you kept me up, essentially.
249
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:50,900
I didn't keep you up. Just
some normal shit that I do.
250
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:54,320
I need some-- I need some
security in the house.
251
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:57,866
You know, like a-- I gotta hire, like,
a Pinkerton guard or something.
252
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,534
You don't need no Pinkerton guard.
253
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,578
You know what?
I'll tell you what.
254
00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,955
- Let me handle this shit.
- You're-- you're gonna hire somebody?
255
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,082
- What are you gonna do?
- What if I get somebody half the price
256
00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:08,208
of that Pinkerton motherfucker?
257
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:10,920
I'm gonna take care of all this security
shit you're worried about, okay?
258
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:13,840
I'm gonna get you-- get
you back to being Larry.
259
00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:17,010
Sitting around here, looking
all frumpy and shit.
260
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:19,470
Well, no, the only reason
I'm wearing this bathrobe
261
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,472
is because I left my pajama bottoms--
262
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,224
You know, those red flannel pajamas?
263
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:24,934
- Right.
- I left them at the hotel.
264
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,562
I can't leave a hotel room without
leaving something behind.
265
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,314
Never fails.
266
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,816
- Oh.
- Are you expecting somebody?
267
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,401
I'm always expecting somebody.
268
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,528
If they show the fuck up,
they show the fuck up.
269
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:37,822
Goodbye, darling.
270
00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:39,991
- Excuse me a minute.
- He's all right, you know.
271
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:42,493
- He's gonna be all right.
- Hey!
272
00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:44,120
- He's alive!
- [Larry] Oh!
273
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:45,830
- Hey, buddy.
- How you doing?
274
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,498
I'm all right.
How are you doing?
275
00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:49,876
Oh, God,
I'm a mess.
276
00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:52,128
- Yeah, so bad.
- I'd be terrified.
277
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,130
Yeah, and the worst part
is the musical's off.
278
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:56,131
- Oh, you're kidding me.
- No.
279
00:11:56,256 --> 00:11:58,343
It was such a funny idea.
280
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,094
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
281
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,347
- Um...
- Nice of you to come over, though,
282
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:03,932
and, uh, say hi.
283
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,059
- That's really sweet of you.
- No.
284
00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:07,393
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
285
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:08,770
Yeah, you're welcome.
286
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,397
Um, actually, you know what?
287
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,443
All right,
I'm full of shit.
288
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,862
The truth is
I'm here to ask--
289
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:21,491
I'm here to ask your permission
if I can date Cheryl.
290
00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,452
Boom.
291
00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:27,747
- Wow.
- Wow?
292
00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:30,875
Yeah, you come over here
under these false pretenses
293
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,419
to, oh-- to see how I'm doing,
294
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:36,214
and-- and you wanna date-- no!
295
00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:37,799
No, I-- no, no, I--
296
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:40,927
If you're asking me can you date Cheryl,
I'd say no.
297
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:42,761
Let-- let's just step
back just a second.
298
00:12:42,886 --> 00:12:44,973
This is a surprise to me, too.
299
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,934
We're friends. I didn't wanna
sneak around behind your back.
300
00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:51,646
I need to, like--
to go with my impulses,
301
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:55,817
and my impulse is I wanna-- I
wanna go out with your ex-wife.
302
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,443
How would you like it if I
went out with Mary, huh?
303
00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:58,903
- Would you like that?
- Don't be stupid.
304
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:00,446
What does that mean?
305
00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:02,115
It means you're--
306
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:06,202
You wanna call my ex-wife,
Mary Steenburgen--
307
00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:10,123
- Larry David wants to ask Mary Steenburgen out?
- Oh.
308
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:14,377
Oh, Larry David is not cool
enough for Mary Steenburgen?
309
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:17,463
I-- I just-- Huh? But
Ted Danson is? Is that it?
310
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,675
I didn't say that, but
there's something in there.
311
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,552
Oh, okay, all right.
312
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:24,595
You know what? I'll call her
right now. How's that?
313
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:26,306
How's that?
I'll call Mary.
314
00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:28,099
- Fine.
- Okay? Okay?
315
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:29,809
You want me to?
316
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:31,269
- Do it.
- Okay.
317
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:34,272
But then can we get back
to this real subject?
318
00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:37,525
Mary!
319
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,153
- I can't believe it.
- Hey, it's Larry David.
320
00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:41,821
- Hi, Larry!
- Hey!
321
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,823
- How you doing?
- Good, good.
322
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:46,784
Hey, Mar, um, let-- let
me ask you something.
323
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:49,370
You know what's going on
with Ted and Cheryl?
324
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:53,291
Ted told me he was
interested in seeing her
325
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,501
and I told him to go for it.
326
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:58,212
Well, um...
327
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,465
I was kind of wondering...
328
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:04,927
...you know, if he's
gonna go out with her,
329
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:08,181
why, uh-- why don't you go out with me?
330
00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:12,393
Wow, Lar.
331
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,102
Oh, my gosh.
332
00:14:14,227 --> 00:14:16,814
Um, I just--
333
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,732
God, I love you so much.
334
00:14:18,857 --> 00:14:23,112
I don't know if we have anything
in common that way, you know?
335
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:25,156
- Do you think?
- Well, we're both people.
336
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:27,283
We're Earthlings, we breathe, we eat,
337
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:29,243
so we have-- we have that in common.
338
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:32,121
Yeah, we have that in common
with pretty much everybody,
339
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:35,166
but I was-- I was just
meaning, like, you know,
340
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:38,878
maybe you're just not my physical type.
341
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:41,506
Sure.
Sure, I understand.
342
00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:44,884
Hope we can have lunch or go shopping
343
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:46,886
or do something together soon.
344
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,639
- Okay, okay. Okay, bye.
- Bye, Lar.
345
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:54,852
- What'd she say?
- No.
346
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:57,605
- Mm.
- Not really her type.
347
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,482
- Huh.
- At least, physically.
348
00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:03,319
- Okay. Well, hey...
- Yeah.
349
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:06,197
- So, you gonna go ahead with this?
- Yeah, yeah.
350
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:09,867
- Okay.
- You should know that she doesn't give blow jobs.
351
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:12,036
- Just...
- That's okay.
352
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:13,746
Okay? Sex only in the dark.
353
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,748
She's a little revolted by the penis.
354
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,417
- Really?
- She won't look at it.
355
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,585
- She won't even touch it, okay?
- Well, maybe that's changed.
356
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,296
- It won't change, okay?
- All right, good luck with the fatwa.
357
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,882
Yeah, thanks. Thanks for being
so concerned about it.
358
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:59,208
- You're in trouble, Larry.
- Yeah. Yeah!
359
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:00,668
I know.
Tell me about it.
360
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:03,212
- I like that.
- Oh, yeah?
361
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:04,964
Yeah, hides the Jew.
362
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,799
Ah, thank you.
363
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:08,593
Thank you.
That's lovely.
364
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:10,761
Lovely compliment.
Thank you very much.
365
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,805
- Very sweet.
- What are you doing here, Larry?
366
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:14,724
- Huh?
- Well, you know...
367
00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:16,976
- What?
- ...this has been very, very difficult for me.
368
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:19,437
And I'm thinking, who can help
me? I don't know any Muslims.
369
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:22,607
They're not in show business.
They don't hang out at the deli.
370
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:25,693
Am I supposed to go into a mosque
and then start chatting them up?
371
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,945
Sure, maybe I can make a little
more effort to seek them out,
372
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,739
but they're not really
coming up to me either!
373
00:16:29,864 --> 00:16:32,033
Do you need my help, Larry?
374
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:35,828
Yes.
375
00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:36,913
Yes.
376
00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:40,333
- I know people.
- You do?
377
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:44,003
- Mm, I know people.
- Imams, mufti?
378
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:45,588
- "Moofti."
- "Moofti"?
379
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,465
- "Moofti."
- It's "Moofti." Huh.
380
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:48,966
I always thought it was "muff ti."
381
00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:53,888
Anyway, so do you know a mufti?
382
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,932
- I know other people.
- Who? Who do you know?
383
00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:57,350
I know the consul of Iran.
384
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:00,520
You know the consul?
385
00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:03,189
- Is that so?
- Yes.
386
00:17:03,314 --> 00:17:05,483
Look at you!
You are really something!
387
00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:08,069
- Eh.
- How do you know the consul?
388
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,946
I have my connections.
389
00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:13,074
Are you a-- are you a plotter?
390
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,825
Are you one of the plotters?
391
00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:18,412
- Do you plot?
- I've plotted before.
392
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,790
- You've plotted?
- I've plotted.
393
00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:21,832
Wow.
394
00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:24,961
You're on my side, right?
395
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,590
Fuck me, you godless fuck!
396
00:17:30,715 --> 00:17:32,260
You infidel fucking Jew!
397
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,262
Try and keep it kosher, could you?
398
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,597
You fatwa fucking bastard!
399
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,892
- I'm a fatwa fuck.
- Yes! Talk dirty to me, Larry.
400
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:43,688
Blaspheme to me like you blasphemed
to the Nation of Islam!
401
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,690
Donald Trump!
402
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,108
Steve Bannon!
403
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,484
Jared Kushner!
404
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:49,694
Mike Pence!
405
00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,779
Kellyanne Conway!
406
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:53,071
- Mitch McConnell!
- Yeah!
407
00:17:53,196 --> 00:17:56,325
Rudy Giuliani!
408
00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:57,785
Yeah, yeah!
409
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,453
Rougher, Larry!
Rougher!
410
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,289
- Sentence me to an orgasm...
- You're choking me!
411
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,291
...like you've been sentenced to death!
412
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:04,709
Is this a fatwa!
413
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:07,920
This is a fatwa!
Fa-fa-fa-fatwa!
414
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:10,756
Fatwa! Fatwa!
415
00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:12,425
[Leon] Hey! Hey!
416
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:14,635
No fatwa up in here!
No fatwa!
417
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,220
- What?
- No fatwa!
418
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:17,471
Yeah, Larry, that's Swat,
your knew security.
419
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:18,763
You can thank me later for that shit.
420
00:18:18,888 --> 00:18:20,308
Yeah, I'm not even gonna bring up
421
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,809
the fact you're fucking
in your goddamn glasses.
422
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,936
Hey, Swat, break her ass in half!
423
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,776
Hello, is this-- is this Mr. Khashayar?
424
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:34,155
- Yes, this is he.
- Yeah, this is, um-- this is Larry David.
425
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,866
I'm a friend of Shara Ghorbani.
426
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:40,411
She said that perhaps
there might be a way,
427
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:42,872
you know, to set up a, uh-- a meeting.
428
00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:46,250
It's better if you don't come
here under the circumstances...
429
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:49,670
- Hey, Larry.
- Wait, I'm sorry. Could you hold on one second?
430
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,714
Shut the fuck up!
I'm on the phone.
431
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:55,009
Hey, I'm gonna give Swat the guest
room. Where the towels at?
432
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,386
They're down the hall
in the linen closet.
433
00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:58,721
Yes, I'm sorry.
434
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:01,682
I have two nincompoops in
my house, unfortunately.
435
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,477
Anyway, so, um-- Khashayar: I would
suggest a video conference.
436
00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:06,604
- Oh.
- I can arrange for that if you like.
437
00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:07,938
Oh, you wanna set up a video call?
438
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:09,815
Yeah, the video call would work great.
439
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,068
- Yes, excellent.
- Yeah.
440
00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:15,112
Good. I will have one of my staff
members contact you to arrange for it.
441
00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:16,446
- Yeah, I--
- Hey, Larry!
442
00:19:16,571 --> 00:19:18,074
Wait, I'm sorry.
Hold on one more sec.
443
00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:20,493
What the fuck is wrong with you? Shh,
I'm on the phone!
444
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,619
This goddamn towel's hard as fuck, man.
445
00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:24,705
Shut the fuck up!
I'm on the phone!
446
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,332
I'll be there in a second.
Shut up!
447
00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:27,708
These towels too rough, man.
448
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,294
- I like a softer towel.
- Hey, Swat? Swat?
449
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:31,545
Shut up!
450
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,005
Yeah, I'm sorry.
451
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,007
No, it's the nincompoops again.
452
00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:37,677
- Nincompoops?
- I'll wait to hear from your office.
453
00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:40,096
- Larry!
- As I said, they will be in contact.
454
00:19:40,221 --> 00:19:43,474
- Yes, all right, thank you.
- Goodbye, Mr. David.
455
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:47,311
What's so important
about these fucking towels?
456
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,397
[Swat] Look, these towels are
a little too rough, man.
457
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:50,898
I like a soft towel, Lar.
458
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,316
He wants something more velvety.
459
00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:54,109
Velvet, it doesn't even dry you, velvet.
460
00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:55,986
It doesn't-- it doesn't
get the water off.
461
00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:58,864
A harder, coarser towel works
a lot better for drying.
462
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:01,409
If I don't use something velvety,
I'ma get ashy as hell, Lar.
463
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,327
- You want me to go shopping for towels?
- It'd be nice.
464
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:06,163
The man's a guest in your house.
He's your fucking security.
465
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,082
- He's gonna take care of you.
- By the way,
466
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,084
you need to familiarize
yourself with that.
467
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,211
- What? What is this?
- It's a list.
468
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:15,297
- Persimmons. You eat persimmons?
- Antioxidants.
469
00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,465
No stone fruit?
470
00:20:17,590 --> 00:20:18,718
I'm telling you, they kill me, Larry.
471
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,803
I'll drop dead right on
this fucking carpet.
472
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:22,763
Even the "oals" will fuck me up.
473
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:25,850
- Even the what?
- The "oals" from the fruit will fuck me up.
474
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:28,310
If this fucking man even
sees a fucking stone fruit,
475
00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:31,564
he's gonna eat the shit, so don't bring
no stone fruit in the fucking house.
476
00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:33,441
So now I can't have stone fruit?
477
00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:36,068
Yeah.
478
00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:43,242
Absolutely, we will send that right up.
479
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,493
All right, thank you very much.
480
00:20:44,618 --> 00:20:46,746
- Hello.
- Ah, Mr. Dancer.
481
00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:51,000
I'm sorry to report that I
left a pair of pajama bottoms
482
00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:53,335
in my room, which was 1003.
483
00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:56,756
- So, just pajama bottoms?
- Fantastic pajamas, by the way.
484
00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:58,965
- I don't doubt it.
- I mean, the best feature about them
485
00:20:59,090 --> 00:21:01,969
is that the flannel's thick,
so they obfuscate the penis,
486
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,972
so you could walk around with
other people in the house
487
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,390
and you don't see any flopping,
488
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:08,476
as opposed to the pair that I have now,
489
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,060
my-- my second pair.
490
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:11,854
- Okay.
- A little thinner.
491
00:21:11,979 --> 00:21:14,356
You see the clear outline of
the penis-- very unpleasant.
492
00:21:14,482 --> 00:21:18,277
- I will check in the back and I will be right with you.
- Thank you very much.
493
00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:25,951
Excuse me.
494
00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:27,787
Hi.
495
00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:30,623
Are you in charge of the-- the cookies?
496
00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,666
Um, yeah, I guess so.
497
00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:35,085
So you oversee the whole
cookie operation?
498
00:21:35,211 --> 00:21:36,879
Uh, I don't bake them, but I--
499
00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:39,548
Well, they're not baked,
they're bought in a store.
500
00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:40,800
But that's neither here nor there.
501
00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:42,468
Let me just ask you about
the display here.
502
00:21:42,593 --> 00:21:44,595
- Okay.
- Was this whole idea yours--
503
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,431
The display, the tongs, the whole thing?
504
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:49,141
- Um...
- 'Cause I have to tell you,
505
00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:50,851
the tong is not a friend of the cookie
506
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:52,728
by any stretch of the imagination.
507
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:55,105
Okay, you must be
Mr. Dancer.
508
00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:57,191
- Yes! Yes.
- Yes.
509
00:21:57,316 --> 00:21:58,484
- I am.
- Okay.
510
00:21:58,609 --> 00:22:00,444
What I believe you should
be thinking about
511
00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:02,238
is separating the cookies
512
00:22:02,363 --> 00:22:05,366
so people can use their
fingers and not the tongs.
513
00:22:05,491 --> 00:22:07,284
No friend of the cookie.
514
00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:08,744
May I just demonstrate
what I'm talking about?
515
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:10,871
- No, sir, please don't.
- Just watch how easy this is.
516
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:13,332
- It's hotel policy.
- You see how easy I picked that out?
517
00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:15,334
- It was so simple.
- Mr. Dancer.
518
00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:17,795
I successfully was able to
find your pajama bottoms,
519
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:19,755
and I see that you are not
using our tongs again.
520
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,799
No, I was just merely
demonstrating something...
521
00:22:21,924 --> 00:22:24,134
- I asked him to use the tongs.
- I know you did, Claudia.
522
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:26,887
- Thank you very much.
- And by the way, you're not even in charge of the cookies.
523
00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:30,349
- Claudia is.
- I asked you to please follow our policy,
524
00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:33,727
and you are no longer a guest here,
actually, so I'm just now asking you
525
00:22:33,853 --> 00:22:36,146
- to just respect that.
- Ah, what?
526
00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:37,439
What?
527
00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:38,691
Oh, my God!
528
00:22:38,816 --> 00:22:39,984
The tongs dropped on the floor,
529
00:22:40,109 --> 00:22:42,194
you put them back on the table?
530
00:22:42,319 --> 00:22:43,612
- I wiped them.
- She wiped them.
531
00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:45,489
That's like eating off the floor!
532
00:22:45,614 --> 00:22:47,407
- It's the same thing!
- It's not at all the same.
533
00:22:47,532 --> 00:22:50,077
It is the same thing! You might as
well put the floor on the table!
534
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:52,162
- Okay, you know what?
- This is a disgrace!
535
00:22:52,288 --> 00:22:53,580
Okay, you know what is a disgrace,
536
00:22:53,705 --> 00:22:54,999
that we're having this
conversation again.
537
00:22:55,124 --> 00:22:57,126
And here is what I'm gonna
say to you right now--
538
00:22:57,251 --> 00:22:59,378
Don't ever return to this hotel--
I'm serious-- or I will call the cops.
539
00:22:59,503 --> 00:23:02,006
Like I would wanna return to a hotel
that's serving Pepperidge Farm cookies
540
00:23:02,131 --> 00:23:04,884
and trying to pass them off as
if you have a pastry chef!
541
00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:08,512
Fine, and if you do,
I will call the police, Mr. Buck Dancer.
542
00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:10,638
[Funkhouser] Kenny was a perfect kid,
543
00:23:10,763 --> 00:23:12,808
and look what's happened here!
544
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:15,269
Look what's happened to my jewel,
545
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:18,939
my nephew, who is an all-star pitcher.
546
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:20,858
He's up there now in a cast!
547
00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:23,484
Why did you have to fight
him for the pickle?
548
00:23:23,611 --> 00:23:26,238
Why did I have to fight him?
You fought him for the pickles, too!
549
00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:27,990
I didn't fight him;
I let it go!
550
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:29,116
Oh, you let it go.
551
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:30,618
You tried to open that pickle jar
552
00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:31,702
just like I did!
553
00:23:31,827 --> 00:23:33,369
Everybody wants to be a pickle jar hero.
554
00:23:33,494 --> 00:23:35,414
You broke his elbow, okay?
555
00:23:35,539 --> 00:23:36,790
Are you happy?
556
00:23:36,916 --> 00:23:38,208
He's just a different kid.
557
00:23:38,334 --> 00:23:40,544
His personality has changed.
558
00:23:40,669 --> 00:23:42,171
He's filled with angst.
559
00:23:42,296 --> 00:23:43,964
He's, like, ready to explode.
560
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:45,674
And you wanna know why?
561
00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:49,845
The way he relaxes is
the way all men relax.
562
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:52,431
It's called "ejaculation."
563
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:54,934
He can't use the right hand, okay?
564
00:23:55,059 --> 00:23:57,645
This is his ejaculator, okay?
565
00:23:57,770 --> 00:23:59,104
It's done, it's in a cast.
566
00:23:59,229 --> 00:24:01,773
- Yeah.
- Mr. Kenny, some lunch!
567
00:24:01,898 --> 00:24:04,193
[Kenny] What the hell is this shit? Fuck!
568
00:24:04,318 --> 00:24:06,862
You call this lunch? Take your
banana and shove it up your ass!
569
00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:09,365
- Get out! Get the fuck out!
- Señor, he's crazy!
570
00:24:09,490 --> 00:24:11,450
Leave me the fuck alone!
571
00:24:11,575 --> 00:24:13,160
I don't even know him anymore.
572
00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:15,496
- Wow.
- I'm scared to death of him.
573
00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:17,455
He can't masturbate.
574
00:24:17,580 --> 00:24:19,124
He can't make it come out.
575
00:24:19,249 --> 00:24:21,752
- He can't go left?
- No, he can't go to his left.
576
00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:23,712
- Can you go to your left?
- Eh, nobody can.
577
00:24:23,837 --> 00:24:25,422
- No one can.
- Yeah.
578
00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:27,840
It's funny, though, there's
other things I can do lefty.
579
00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,469
I can eat lefty,
I can brush my teeth lefty.
580
00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:32,680
There's a big difference.
581
00:24:32,805 --> 00:24:36,016
You need rotation, you need tempo,
582
00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:37,643
you need feel.
583
00:24:37,768 --> 00:24:39,103
I don't know what's gonna happen
584
00:24:39,228 --> 00:24:40,896
'cause he can't concentrate anymore.
585
00:24:41,021 --> 00:24:44,525
He told me today he doesn't
give a shit about the SATs.
586
00:24:44,650 --> 00:24:46,859
He doesn't care about Stanford.
587
00:24:46,986 --> 00:24:48,696
He doesn't care about anything.
588
00:24:48,821 --> 00:24:51,407
- Wow.
- He's lost his will.
589
00:24:51,532 --> 00:24:53,075
Hey!
590
00:24:55,703 --> 00:25:00,332
I met this woman in the-- in the hotel,
591
00:25:00,457 --> 00:25:04,128
and I think-- I think
she could help him.
592
00:25:04,253 --> 00:25:05,462
What does she do?
593
00:25:05,587 --> 00:25:08,382
She's a-- she's a prostitute.
594
00:25:11,927 --> 00:25:14,304
Okay, here's the deal.
595
00:25:14,430 --> 00:25:16,640
You're gonna go in there,
you're gonna go to the right,
596
00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:18,684
- near the front desk.
- Mm-hmm.
597
00:25:18,809 --> 00:25:21,270
- You're gonna try and open this jar of pickles.
- Okay.
598
00:25:21,395 --> 00:25:24,523
It's gonna create a diversion, everybody's
gonna come over and try and help,
599
00:25:24,648 --> 00:25:27,234
and then I'm gonna sneak in
so the guy doesn't see me
600
00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:29,737
- and try and find Paula, okay?
- Right, right, right.
601
00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:31,989
This is called the "pickle gambit."
602
00:25:32,114 --> 00:25:34,116
I like that, man.
Hey, it's cool.
603
00:25:34,241 --> 00:25:36,702
- What's my name?
- All right, that's irrelevant.
604
00:25:36,827 --> 00:25:38,119
- Okay?
- What do you mean it's irrelevant?
605
00:25:38,244 --> 00:25:39,747
- Okay, you want a name?
- I want a fucking name!
606
00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:42,124
Okay, uh, Chick Gandil,
that's your name.
607
00:25:42,249 --> 00:25:44,792
He played first base for
the 1919 White Sox,
608
00:25:44,917 --> 00:25:46,295
the team that threw the World Series.
609
00:25:46,420 --> 00:25:48,672
Wait a fucking minute. I'm not
gonna be on no goddamn White Sox.
610
00:25:48,797 --> 00:25:51,215
Would you prefer somebody
from the Negro leagues?
611
00:25:51,340 --> 00:25:53,343
Yeah, give me a fucking name.
612
00:25:53,469 --> 00:25:56,555
- Chappie Johnson.
- That's a black man's name right there.
613
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:57,931
That's fucking great.
I love it.
614
00:25:58,057 --> 00:25:59,349
- All right.
- I can do that shit.
615
00:25:59,475 --> 00:26:00,601
- Okay, get in there.
- I got you.
616
00:26:00,726 --> 00:26:02,686
Okay, I'm a--
I'm a diversion.
617
00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:05,064
I got you. I fucking got you,
Lar, all right?
618
00:26:10,944 --> 00:26:13,196
My name is Chappie Johnson
619
00:26:13,321 --> 00:26:15,699
and I can't open this damn pickle jar.
620
00:26:15,824 --> 00:26:17,659
- Let me take a crack at that.
- I can help you with that.
621
00:26:17,785 --> 00:26:19,536
I'm gonna have to put you
on hold for a second.
622
00:26:19,661 --> 00:26:21,330
Give it here, Chappie.
Give me a shot at it.
623
00:26:21,455 --> 00:26:22,790
Guys, I saw from over there.
624
00:26:22,915 --> 00:26:24,208
Let me just get a run at it, all right?
625
00:26:24,333 --> 00:26:25,626
I'm small, but you'd be surprised.
626
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:31,840
[Leon] Let me see that, let me see that.
627
00:26:34,134 --> 00:26:35,260
Just try it again.
628
00:26:35,385 --> 00:26:36,678
Put force into it.
629
00:26:36,804 --> 00:26:38,222
- I didn't--
- I got it, I got it.
630
00:26:38,347 --> 00:26:39,556
I didn't get a good run at it.
631
00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:40,808
Come on!
632
00:26:50,317 --> 00:26:51,819
Larry, it's me.
633
00:26:51,944 --> 00:26:54,113
Oh, my God.
634
00:26:54,238 --> 00:26:56,782
Oh, my God!
635
00:26:56,907 --> 00:26:59,451
- Look at you.
- Do you like it?
636
00:26:59,576 --> 00:27:01,537
I-- I'm stunned!
637
00:27:01,662 --> 00:27:05,290
This is-- I-- my mind's exploding!
638
00:27:05,415 --> 00:27:07,042
- Oh, my gosh.
- This is incredible.
639
00:27:07,167 --> 00:27:09,461
- Look at you. Look at you!
- Oh, really?
640
00:27:09,586 --> 00:27:11,004
- Ugh!
- You think so?
641
00:27:11,130 --> 00:27:12,464
Well, I am so happy,
642
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,007
and I owe it all to you.
643
00:27:14,133 --> 00:27:15,717
- It worked.
- It worked.
644
00:27:15,843 --> 00:27:17,886
It worked.
My life has been changed.
645
00:27:18,011 --> 00:27:18,929
Business-- never been better.
646
00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:21,306
The men-- gentle, respectful.
647
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:23,934
I did a hooker mitzvah!
It's a hooker mitzvah!
648
00:27:24,059 --> 00:27:25,477
You are a visionary.
649
00:27:25,602 --> 00:27:28,981
I don't know what I can do
to properly show my thanks.
650
00:27:29,106 --> 00:27:30,273
You don't have to do anything.
651
00:27:30,398 --> 00:27:32,526
The mere fact that you're
happier having sex
652
00:27:32,651 --> 00:27:34,153
with a multitude of strangers,
653
00:27:34,278 --> 00:27:37,156
that's all-- that's all
the thanks I need.
654
00:27:37,281 --> 00:27:38,490
Aw, Larry!
655
00:27:38,615 --> 00:27:40,284
That's awesome.
Thank you!
656
00:27:40,409 --> 00:27:43,287
You know what? This is unbelievable
that I actually ran--
657
00:27:43,412 --> 00:27:45,372
I came here specifically
looking for you.
658
00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:47,082
- Oh, you did?
- Yes, I did.
659
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,251
- Oh that's amazing!
- Yeah, because I actually do
660
00:27:49,376 --> 00:27:50,460
- need your services.
- You do?
661
00:27:50,586 --> 00:27:51,920
- Yes.
- Okay, well, fine.
662
00:27:52,045 --> 00:27:54,506
It's for-- it's for my friend's nephew.
663
00:27:54,631 --> 00:27:56,800
- His name is Kenny Funkhouser.
- Of course!
664
00:27:56,925 --> 00:27:58,969
Tell me when and where.
I'll be there.
665
00:27:59,094 --> 00:28:00,888
- No problem.
- Fanta--
666
00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:02,763
- I feel great, I feel great.
- Hey, do you want a drink?
667
00:28:02,890 --> 00:28:04,474
- Just a quick drink?
- Uh, no, let's get a, uh--
668
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:07,477
let's raid the minibar
like normal people.
669
00:28:11,607 --> 00:28:13,275
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
670
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:14,818
Yes.
671
00:28:18,614 --> 00:28:20,199
[Claudia] Here, give it
to me, give it to me!
672
00:28:20,324 --> 00:28:21,825
You can't open it!
673
00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:23,619
[Claudia] We need to get a butter knife.
674
00:28:23,744 --> 00:28:25,412
- Come on, let me give it another try.
- No.
675
00:28:28,415 --> 00:28:30,125
We need a plier, we need a plier.
676
00:28:30,250 --> 00:28:33,337
But a hatchet will
shatter the entire jar.
677
00:28:33,462 --> 00:28:34,963
- Get a plier.
- [Leon] She can't open it.
678
00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:36,924
- What, 'cause I'm a woman?
- Yeah, exactly!
679
00:28:38,842 --> 00:28:40,010
- We need one more shot.
- Give me that!
680
00:28:40,135 --> 00:28:41,887
Mr. Dancer!
681
00:28:42,012 --> 00:28:43,889
Whoa!
682
00:28:44,014 --> 00:28:45,515
- [Larry] Huh?
- Wow.
683
00:28:45,641 --> 00:28:47,684
- Yeah!
- Wow, are you serious?
684
00:28:47,809 --> 00:28:49,186
Are you for--
Claudia, get security.
685
00:28:49,311 --> 00:28:50,687
I'll keep
Mr. Buck Dancer here.
686
00:28:50,812 --> 00:28:52,439
- Okay?
- No, I gotta get--
687
00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:54,024
I don't care, I don't care.
688
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:55,859
I'm not touching cookies,
I'm not talking tongs!
689
00:28:55,984 --> 00:28:58,320
I don't care! I warned you if you
came back here, this would happen.
690
00:28:58,445 --> 00:29:00,239
- Get out of my way, baldy!
- Ah-ah!
691
00:29:00,364 --> 00:29:02,866
- That is it, sir. You are out of here.
- Unhand me, you brute!
692
00:29:02,991 --> 00:29:04,243
I have dementia!
693
00:29:16,004 --> 00:29:17,631
What the...?
694
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,885
Unbelievable!
695
00:29:22,010 --> 00:29:23,971
- As often as I can.
- Really?
696
00:29:24,096 --> 00:29:25,180
- Yes...
- No.
697
00:29:36,817 --> 00:29:38,819
- [Paula] So, are you nervous?
- A little.
698
00:29:38,944 --> 00:29:41,113
Oh, well, don't worry.
I'll take care of everything.
699
00:29:41,238 --> 00:29:42,948
- You just lay back and relax.
- Okay.
700
00:29:43,073 --> 00:29:45,492
I like your dress.
701
00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:48,328
Aw, thanks! I got it
at Saks Fifth Avenue.
702
00:29:48,453 --> 00:29:50,706
- Oh, that-- that's a nice store.
- Mm-hmm.
703
00:29:50,831 --> 00:29:52,874
Take your clothes off,
Kenny.
704
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:54,209
You know, Mary, she's with this guy,
705
00:29:54,334 --> 00:29:56,461
he's bald with glasses--
he looks just like me!
706
00:29:56,586 --> 00:29:58,922
She said
I wasn't her type.
707
00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:01,550
Unbelievable.
And now Ted--
708
00:30:01,675 --> 00:30:03,802
Ted's going out with Cheryl.
709
00:30:03,927 --> 00:30:08,015
- What about that?
- Well, you haven't been married to her in a long time.
710
00:30:08,140 --> 00:30:09,474
There's nothing wrong with that!
711
00:30:09,599 --> 00:30:11,184
Would you do something like that?
712
00:30:11,310 --> 00:30:13,270
You wanna go out with Cheryl,
you do it behind my back.
713
00:30:13,395 --> 00:30:15,480
- You'd never know.
- That's the way to do it.
714
00:30:15,605 --> 00:30:17,649
Yeah.
I called Cheryl.
715
00:30:18,775 --> 00:30:20,652
- I called her twice.
- For what?
716
00:30:20,777 --> 00:30:22,696
Just to talk to her and
see how she was doing,
717
00:30:22,821 --> 00:30:25,699
and shopping tips and stuff like that.
718
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:27,826
- We had a cup of coffee.
- You're kidding.
719
00:30:27,951 --> 00:30:30,704
- Two movies.
- What?
720
00:30:30,829 --> 00:30:32,331
A walk in the park.
721
00:30:32,456 --> 00:30:34,374
Yeah, well, it's not a big deal.
722
00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:35,375
One dinner.
723
00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:36,668
I went behind your back!
724
00:30:36,793 --> 00:30:38,587
It's the only way to go!
725
00:30:38,712 --> 00:30:40,589
Yeah, that's true.
726
00:30:40,714 --> 00:30:44,343
Boy, Kenny sounds like
he's having some fun.
727
00:30:44,468 --> 00:30:45,719
Tough to listen to, though.
728
00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:47,554
Oh, my God.
729
00:30:47,679 --> 00:30:52,517
Oh, I got a-- I got a Skype thing
with the Iranian consul guy.
730
00:30:53,769 --> 00:30:54,686
I'll see you later.
731
00:30:54,811 --> 00:30:56,855
I'm not staying here by myself.
732
00:31:03,528 --> 00:31:06,365
Mr. David, at last we meet face-to-face.
733
00:31:06,490 --> 00:31:08,367
Heh-hey!
Hey, look at this!
734
00:31:08,492 --> 00:31:09,868
Modern technology, sir.
735
00:31:09,993 --> 00:31:12,829
What-- what exactly does
a consul do? It's a...
736
00:31:12,954 --> 00:31:15,540
Let's just say if you wanted to
come to Iran one day and visit,
737
00:31:15,665 --> 00:31:17,501
you would be going through myself.
738
00:31:17,626 --> 00:31:20,170
I'm not setting foot in that
place, with all due respect.
739
00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:21,797
Not gonna set foot there.
740
00:31:23,006 --> 00:31:24,633
Excuse me.
741
00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:28,553
- What is that?
- A cookie.
742
00:31:28,678 --> 00:31:30,555
What are you using, tongs?
743
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,307
Yes.
We use tongs.
744
00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:35,936
- In fact, we invented the tong.
- Okay.
745
00:31:36,061 --> 00:31:37,771
All right, Mr. Consul,
746
00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:39,731
let's, uh-- let's not go crazy here.
747
00:31:39,856 --> 00:31:41,608
You invented the tong.
I don't think so.
748
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:44,486
I don't see Iran as the tong inventor.
749
00:31:44,611 --> 00:31:46,363
Mr. David, I have a very
busy agenda today.
750
00:31:46,488 --> 00:31:48,115
Please let me know how I can help you.
751
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:51,868
Well, um you're aware of
my situation, of course,
752
00:31:51,993 --> 00:31:55,414
and I was hoping beyond hope
753
00:31:55,539 --> 00:31:59,376
that somehow you could perhaps
754
00:31:59,501 --> 00:32:02,587
put in a good word for me,
755
00:32:02,712 --> 00:32:06,133
tell the ayatollah how
profoundly sorry I am
756
00:32:06,258 --> 00:32:08,468
for what I did and said and...
757
00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:11,054
Mr. David, you have come
to the right person
758
00:32:11,179 --> 00:32:13,598
because-- I tell you
this in confidence--
759
00:32:13,723 --> 00:32:15,976
I am a huge fan of your work.
760
00:32:16,101 --> 00:32:18,937
I have watched every
episode of "Seinfeld."
761
00:32:20,856 --> 00:32:23,733
This is-- this is really,
truly remarkable.
762
00:32:23,859 --> 00:32:25,777
Is that so?
What's your favorite episode?
763
00:32:27,446 --> 00:32:29,906
Isn't everybody's favorite
episode the puffy shirt?
764
00:32:30,031 --> 00:32:31,283
It's unbelievable!
765
00:32:31,408 --> 00:32:33,493
I also love the one
with the close talker.
766
00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:35,162
Ugh, oh, my God!
767
00:32:35,287 --> 00:32:37,414
I must tell you something, Mr. David.
768
00:32:37,539 --> 00:32:41,001
The ayatollah himself is a
bit of a close talker.
769
00:32:41,126 --> 00:32:42,627
- Is that so?
- Yes!
770
00:32:42,752 --> 00:32:45,338
Oh, I wouldn't wanna get too close
to that guy, to tell you the truth.
771
00:32:45,464 --> 00:32:46,923
It doesn't look like he's
popping Life Savers
772
00:32:47,048 --> 00:32:48,800
in his mouth all day long, you know?
773
00:32:48,925 --> 00:32:50,427
Ah, yes, well...
774
00:32:50,552 --> 00:32:52,345
- [Kenny panting] Okay.
- [Paula] All right.
775
00:32:52,471 --> 00:32:53,597
[Paula] Okay, oh, yeah!
776
00:32:53,722 --> 00:32:54,681
Come on.
Come on, honey!
777
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:56,558
You can do it, you can do it!
778
00:32:56,683 --> 00:32:58,101
Come on, come on!
779
00:32:58,226 --> 00:33:00,645
I'm coming, Larry!
780
00:33:00,770 --> 00:33:02,481
[Paula] Oh, God, you're so good!
781
00:33:02,606 --> 00:33:04,691
Larry!
782
00:33:04,816 --> 00:33:06,276
I am very confident that we can
783
00:33:06,401 --> 00:33:08,403
accomplish something here together.
784
00:33:08,528 --> 00:33:10,947
Thank you so much.
I'm so appreciative and--
785
00:33:11,072 --> 00:33:13,575
Uncle Marty, Uncle Marty!
786
00:33:13,700 --> 00:33:15,035
What the-- oh!
787
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:16,411
Oh, my God!
788
00:33:16,536 --> 00:33:17,954
- Oh, no!
- What is that?
789
00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:19,331
Oh, oh! No!
790
00:33:19,456 --> 00:33:22,292
No, no! Swat, Swat!
Not her, not her!
791
00:33:22,417 --> 00:33:24,336
Just get rid of the Muslims!
792
00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:28,798
No, it's a game!
793
00:33:28,924 --> 00:33:31,426
That's a game!
Mr. Consul!
61641
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