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1
00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:04,538
Oh, honey, I can't do any more tonight.
2
00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:07,075
Let's just leave the mess and get some sleep, huh?
3
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,976
Wait a minute, we bought ten presents.
4
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,878
HAL: Yeah?
5
00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:12,413
Why are there 11 packages?
6
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:16,717
Oh, my God.
7
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(Hal sighs)
8
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(Hal and Lois laugh)
9
00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:25,759
Oh... we would have figured it out
10
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before we mailed it, right?
11
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,831
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
12
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♪ Yes, no, maybe
13
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♪ I don't know
14
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♪ Can you repeat the question?
15
00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:42,343
♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪
16
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,878
♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪
17
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,247
♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪
18
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♪ And you're not so big
19
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,885
♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪
20
00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:53,887
♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪
21
00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,756
♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪
22
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:59,227
♪ And you're not so big
23
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:02,796
♪ Life is unfair.
24
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Don't move.
25
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Ow! Did you get it?
26
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Get what?
27
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It's three weeks till Christmas,
28
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and Reese is holding off hitting Dewey
29
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till after the holidays.
30
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HAL: Well,
31
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guess what?
32
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:29,157
I got two weeks forced vacation without pay.
33
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,600
What?! Thanks to the company's trouble
34
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with the government, they sent everybody home
35
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till the new year.
36
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We think it's just so the board members
37
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can shred documents in peace.
38
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Two weeks without pay? At Christmas?!
39
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That means no presents.
40
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,272
December 2.
41
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Refused to eat booger sandwich.
42
00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,153
I know this is coming at a bad time,
43
00:01:49,177 --> 00:01:50,578
but I think I have a plan
44
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that'll make us enough money to get through this.
45
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:55,316
I'm going to sell Christmas trees.
46
00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:56,584
What? In college,
47
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I sold Christmas trees every December
48
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with my roommate Victor.
49
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,855
I thought he sold illegal cable boxes.
50
00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:04,192
To pay for the Christmas trees.
51
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:05,959
We made a killing.
52
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:08,262
Look, I've already talked to a supplier.
53
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We have enough to buy 130 trees at 15 bucks apiece.
54
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Oh, and Ed from the office
55
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,102
is letting me use his vacant lot for free.
56
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,304
Really?
57
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,138
If we sell them at six bucks a foot...
58
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,808
that's an average of $45 a tree... Lois,
59
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:23,211
we can net over $2,600.
60
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:24,678
Well, if you think it'll work.
61
00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:26,614
Hey, Reese and I have some money saved up.
62
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If we go in on this, we can get 200 trees.
63
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We'd make $4,000.
64
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You'd put your own money in?
65
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,388
Sure. I was going to invest mine
66
00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:36,890
with this Nigerian General who's been sending me e-mails,
67
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,792
but, hey, this is family.
68
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:39,693
Really?
69
00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,061
You boys would actually
70
00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:43,197
go into business with your old man?
71
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:48,736
I never dreamed anything like this would be possible.
72
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,137
Dad... When I was a kid,
73
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I begged my dad to go into business with me
74
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a bunch of times, but he never answered the intercom.
75
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:57,978
And now you boys
76
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want to go into business with me.
77
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(crying)
78
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(crying): It'll be like a Korean grocery store!
79
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,522
(whispers): You know, Dewey,
80
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:11,058
you've got $20 in your piggy bank.
81
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:13,160
I think they've got it covered, Mom.
82
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,196
All right. I'm in.
83
00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:18,532
(sobbing)
84
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:25,673
It's gonna be weird not being
with our families on Christmas.
85
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,174
I know. It feels...
86
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,342
great!
87
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:30,244
It's like all the ugliness and turmoil
88
00:03:30,278 --> 00:03:32,413
you always associate with Christmas is gone.
89
00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:35,048
My family! They are finally here!
90
00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:37,184
All the way from Stuttgart!
91
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,186
"Don't pack your heavy clothes.
92
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,054
It's not cold in the desert."
93
00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,856
I'm freezing off my ass!
94
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,091
WOMAN: Stop whining! I already
95
00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:45,893
have two children; I don't need a third!
96
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:47,194
Oh, come on, you two.
97
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,863
You're here now. Just enjoy.
98
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,198
Oh, I forgot.
99
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:54,368
Everything has to be perfect with Gretchen.
100
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:55,436
OTTO: Don't you raise
101
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:57,037
your voice to Gretchen.
102
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,072
Anyone who is not an alcoholic,
103
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:01,642
you accuse of being a perfectionist.
104
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,911
(all shouting)
105
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,423
Hal and Sons.
106
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:17,958
That means you, too, Jamie.
107
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:19,827
(crying quietly)
108
00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:24,298
I know it's just a crappy wooden sign, but...
109
00:04:24,332 --> 00:04:27,601
boys, I want you to know that this is
110
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:29,102
the greatest day of my life.
111
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,804
I'm so happy
112
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:33,140
and proud of each and every one of you,
113
00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:37,578
and I just want to make sure that you don't screw this up.
114
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We will have
115
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so many precious memories together,
116
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as long as you don't give in
117
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to your worst instincts and do something really stupid.
118
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:50,491
I just love you
119
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so much,
120
00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:55,295
and I want to keep loving you.
121
00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:57,331
Dad, stop worrying. We can do this.
122
00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:59,467
With what we spent on trees and truck rental,
123
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,435
we'll be in profit once we sell tree 67.
124
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:04,004
Then let's just sell that tree first.
125
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,639
What are those tools for?
126
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:06,607
Let me show you.
127
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,175
These are for setting up the trees.
128
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,710
First you use
129
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:12,480
the radial saw to cut an inch off the bottom of the trunk.
130
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:15,483
Then you use this nail gun to stick
131
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:17,385
the tree stand...
132
00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:20,354
Again, I am so proud of you boys
133
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and I don't want to lose this feeling.
134
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,795
I don't know why you won't let me help you
135
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:28,829
with that, Lois.
136
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,731
Craig, please, I really don't want you to.
137
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:31,465
Why not?
138
00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:32,733
Because every time
139
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:35,168
you come in contact with me and my family,
140
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:36,670
something horrible happens to you.
141
00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:38,406
I can't deal with the guilt anymore.
142
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:40,073
I don't know what you're talking about.
143
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:42,743
Come on, if it weren't for us,
you'd still have all your teeth;
144
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,478
you wouldn't flinch every time you saw
145
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:45,755
a ceiling fan; Your car, it never
146
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:47,247
would have been filled with bees.
147
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,382
Coincidences.
148
00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:49,583
Craig, you broke your foot
149
00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:51,184
looking up a phone number for me.
150
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:54,087
Please, Lois, it's Christmas.
151
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Here.
152
00:05:58,058 --> 00:06:01,094
Maybe you can fluff up the cotton on Santa's beard.
153
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:03,230
Thank you.
154
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,098
Ow! Oh!
155
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:08,101
(gasps)
156
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,404
(crying)
157
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:13,340
Well, I wish I could say I was surprised.
158
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,342
Okay. You're all set.
159
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,244
Mister, is this tree dead?
160
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:18,712
Well, of course not.
161
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,681
We made sure we cut a fresh wound in the bottom
162
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:23,083
of your tree so it could suck up water.
163
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:25,252
That way, your tree is suspended in a netherworld
164
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between life and death,
165
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:30,357
just waiting for you to open your presents.
166
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,792
(laughs)
167
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,862
How many trees have we sold?
168
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:35,929
Fifteen. Fifteen?
169
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:38,231
We're not anywhere close to tree 67.
170
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:39,633
I don't get it.
171
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:40,734
We're in a good location.
172
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:42,202
We've got great looking trees.
173
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,370
Excuse me. Hmm?
174
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,438
How much are your trees?
175
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:45,873
Six dollars a foot.
176
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:46,940
Ah. What?
177
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,876
Well, St. Mark's Church around the corner
178
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,078
marked their trees down to five dollars a foot,
179
00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:54,648
but they've got such long lines,
I thought I'd try you guys.
180
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:58,652
You believe that church trying to undersell us?
181
00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:00,988
You don't see us offering Mass at half price.
182
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,890
Why don't we lower the price on our trees?
183
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,058
Like, down to, I don't know, $4.50 a foot?
184
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,994
Then we average $31 a tree,
185
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,929
and we still net... $3,457.
186
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:12,966
We'll be profitable by... hang on... tree 91.
187
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,735
Tree 91?
188
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:15,769
Tree 91.
189
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,506
Sir! Sir!
190
00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:25,579
Right this way.
191
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:27,781
We've got a really nice...
192
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,086
It's customary to tie the tree to the roof.
193
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,956
It's customary to tip the guy who tied it.
194
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,425
All right!
195
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That was tree 79!
196
00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:42,830
We're very close!
197
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:44,131
Boys,
198
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:46,199
I love all of you.
199
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:47,467
But this kid...
200
00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:49,537
(laughing)
201
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,271
It's just a tiny bite, right?
202
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:52,439
He's going to be okay?
203
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,774
Oh, absolutely.
204
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,619
Of course, he'll have to get rabies shots. Shots?
205
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,444
Five injections, right in the belly.
206
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,379
I had to get them when I was bitten
207
00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:01,114
by a skunk a few years ago.
208
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:03,684
When they shoved that first four-inch needle
209
00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:07,454
into my stomach, I felt like I'd been shot in the gut.
210
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:08,789
By the time they pulled
211
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,024
the last needle out, I was on the floor,
212
00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:15,128
clutching a chair leg and crying like a baby.
213
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,396
Navy Seals
214
00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:19,466
trained me to deal with pain, but...
215
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:22,002
nothing like that.
216
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,248
Well, you can always try to catch the squirrel
217
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:26,574
and bring it to Animal Control.
218
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:28,475
If they can confirm it doesn't have rabies,
219
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,643
you could avoid the shots.
220
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:32,011
No, I'll have to take the shots.
221
00:08:32,044 --> 00:08:33,981
Otherwise Lois can't prove her point.
222
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,649
Craig, listen to me.
223
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,684
I am making you this vow:
224
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:39,653
I am going to find that squirrel
225
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:41,488
and take it to Animal Control
226
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:42,765
and prove it doesn't have rabies,
227
00:08:42,789 --> 00:08:44,491
so you do not have to get those shots.
228
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,394
You are not going to suffer ever again for having known me.
229
00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:48,662
Understand?
230
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:49,930
You're on my foot.
231
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:52,232
Oh. Sorry.
232
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,602
(both shouting in German)
233
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,172
They're still at it?
234
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,540
Yeah. It's fascinating.
235
00:09:00,574 --> 00:09:03,043
I've had the same argument a million times with my mom.
236
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,746
Right now she's gonna say, "Don't take that tone with me,"
237
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,615
and then he's gonna start screaming.
238
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:10,050
(shouting in German continues)
239
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:16,056
Now the father figure tries to make peace.
240
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:18,558
(speaking German)
241
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,129
And he gets his head chopped off.
242
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,597
(shouting in German)
243
00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:25,232
FRANCIS: Oh, this is a good one.
244
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:29,102
Jumping into someone else's
argument to settle an old score.
245
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:31,304
(shouting in German)
246
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:35,943
(all shouting)
247
00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:38,578
They're like a primitive version of my family.
248
00:09:38,612 --> 00:09:40,413
Take one step to your left.
249
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,249
Why?
250
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,554
Spooky.
251
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:50,758
Okay, you're getting seven dollars change, right?
252
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:54,227
One and two and five.
253
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:57,064
I hide the big bills where no one's gonna go after them.
254
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,799
(chuckles) I'll help you with that.
255
00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:01,001
Okay, that is, uh, tree 89!
256
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,436
Boys, we are so close, I can taste it!
257
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:04,838
(gasps)
258
00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:08,175
You the guys trying to muscle in on the blessed church?
259
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,476
I'm sorry, what'd you say?
260
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,144
We're from St. Mark's around the corner.
261
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,580
You're underselling us, and we don't like it.
262
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,148
So it's going to stop.
263
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:16,850
We want you to close down
264
00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:19,687
your lot and leave. Now.
265
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,089
During this holy season, it's best to give
266
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,591
our Heavenly Savior what he wants.
267
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,502
It might interest you to know that you're dealing
268
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:27,804
with a bunch of godless heathens.
269
00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:29,763
Take your ghost stories somewhere else.
270
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:32,599
We'll give you 20 minutes to clear out,
271
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,969
then we take matters into our own hands.
272
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,839
(neck cracks)
273
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:40,708
What's that supposed to mean?
274
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,142
Don't worry about it, Dad.
275
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,778
They're priests. What are they gonna do?
276
00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:47,380
Just get in the car and lock the doors!
277
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:48,615
Spare change, mister?
278
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,251
Hey, mister! Come on!
279
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:55,655
Does this look infected to you?
280
00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:57,891
Excuse me, this is my tree.
281
00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:01,194
I already marked it, if you know what I mean.
282
00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:02,662
Wha...! Wait, no!
283
00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:04,631
What the hell do you think you're doing?
284
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,633
Father McKlusky sends his regards.
285
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:07,677
What are you talking about?
286
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:09,302
He dropped by the soup kitchen
287
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:12,272
and he suggested we come down here and share the magic.
288
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,307
Cute kid.
289
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:17,677
You want some homemade candy?
290
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,112
MALCOLM: Dad, everyone's leaving!
291
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,314
Look... whatever St. Mark's
292
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,716
is giving you, we'll double it!
293
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:25,485
You can double eternal salvation?
294
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,487
Yes, I can.
295
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,556
You're funny.
296
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:30,758
(gasps)
297
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:33,927
So, you sell Christmas trees?
298
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:37,197
I used to sell Christmas trees.
299
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:45,438
Any luck?
300
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:46,774
What do you think?
301
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:48,284
No one's gonna let us set up our trees.
302
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:49,609
Unbelievable.
303
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,611
You'd think a cemetery would be up for anything
304
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:53,013
that would lighten the mood.
305
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,748
Hey, why don't we just drive around
306
00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:56,716
and sell the trees out of the back of the truck?
307
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,361
Of course, we have to factor in the price of gas.
308
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,888
Let's see, six miles a gallon, with gas selling at two...
309
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,756
Malcolm, why don't you give the genius thing
310
00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,557
a rest for a while?
311
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:06,526
We were so close.
312
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,195
89 trees.
313
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:11,198
Just two trees away from being profitable.
314
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,000
(sighs)
315
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,969
Story of my life.
316
00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:19,973
No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try,
317
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:23,811
I'm always two trees away.
318
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:25,612
We should just sell them out of our yard.
319
00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:27,047
Reese, this is a serious problem.
320
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,216
Would you please just...?
321
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,951
Oh, my God.
322
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,120
That wasn't stupid.
323
00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:35,622
Reese, your love for your father
324
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,724
has focused your mind like a laser!
325
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:38,758
(chuckles)
326
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:40,127
Give him the hat.
327
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,563
People, there is a squirrel
328
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,165
somewhere in the store.
329
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:48,235
He's very agile, elusive, and possibly rabid,
330
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,569
but we will catch him.
331
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,904
We have to.
332
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:52,639
I've got a bad feeling about this, Lois.
333
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:55,809
It's been too quiet for too long.
334
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,744
He's planning something.
335
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,080
Yes, well, I brought in reinforcements, Ethan.
336
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,448
Thanks for helping, guys.
337
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,350
No problem.
338
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:04,493
Our last job finished early,
339
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:05,953
so we had some time on our hands.
340
00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:09,189
All right then. Let's do this thing!
341
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:13,526
♪
342
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,553
(clanging, banging)
343
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,791
You people are so great!
344
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:48,528
I'm sorry I ate all your lunches in the fridge!
345
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:59,072
You're out there.
346
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,241
I know you're out there.
347
00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:04,945
(footstep crunches)
348
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:13,820
(gasps)
349
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:17,024
(screaming)
350
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:21,895
Aisle 12! He's heading for the register!
351
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,501
Don't let it get away!
352
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:29,869
He's over there!
353
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:32,339
Wait, he's headed for the front door!
354
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,841
Watch out, he's got murder in his eyes!
355
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,210
(cries): And a cute, fluffy tail.
356
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,486
Checkmate, chipmunk.
357
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:51,458
And three makes ten.
358
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:52,425
Feliz Navidad.
359
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:53,793
(chuckles)
360
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:56,529
So, at $3.50 a foot, the profit tree is...
361
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,632
112.112 is the profit tree.
362
00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:00,700
Say it with me, boys.
363
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,803
"112 is the profit tree."
364
00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:05,272
Hal?
365
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:06,940
Oh, hey, Phil. Merry Christmas.
366
00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:08,217
What the hell are you doing here?
367
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,709
You don't have a permit to do this.
368
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,611
Get these trees off your yard.
369
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:14,314
Phil, please. I...
370
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:16,783
Look, I know this seems a little unusual,
371
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,986
but I'm in kind of a jam.
372
00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:22,255
I was laid off, and I'm out of money.
373
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:25,258
Come on, it's Christmas.
374
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,159
I don't care.
375
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,295
I hate you, and I always have.
376
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:30,563
Phil, why don't you take a tree?
377
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:31,664
On the house.
378
00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:33,633
Here.
379
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,268
You're giving me this?
380
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:36,512
I'll even flock it if you want.
381
00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:38,605
No, no. That's okay.
382
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:41,741
So, we have an understanding here?
383
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:44,411
Yeah. We have an understanding.
384
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,289
You're gonna have to get these trees out of here.
385
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,748
We received a complaint, and you don't have a permit.
386
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,417
And he has too many garbage cans.
387
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,485
That's a fine able offense, isn't it?
388
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,988
He can't complain. I bribed him with a tree!
389
00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:56,423
Sir, you can't have a business
390
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,491
in your front yard without a permit.
391
00:15:58,525 --> 00:15:59,592
Officer, we've sunk
392
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:00,994
all our money into this.
393
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:03,096
We've just got to sell one more tree to break even.
394
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:06,099
That's all I'm asking. One tree.
395
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:08,301
Just let me sell one tree.
396
00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:10,503
Have you got a tree?
397
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:12,205
Coming through.
398
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,941
You.
399
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,276
I was never at that dog show!
400
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,877
And where would a high school kid
401
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:18,945
get a spear gun, anyway?
402
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,480
This is your son? Uh...
403
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,449
Well, it depends on what you mean by "son."
404
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:23,783
You got half an hour
405
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,886
to get every single one of these trees out of your yard.
406
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,155
But we lost our truck!
407
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,122
We don't have any place to take them.
408
00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:30,457
That's not my problem.
409
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,624
You get them out,
410
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,594
or you'll be spending Christmas in a jail cell.
411
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:38,998
(clamoring)
412
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:40,333
I can't take this.
413
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,469
The yelling, the screaming...
414
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:45,505
It's making me feel so... homesick.
415
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:47,140
Me, too.
416
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:48,641
(clamoring continues)
417
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:51,811
My mom used to grab my dad's throat like that.
418
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:54,314
I disown all of you!
419
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:55,648
All of you!
420
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:59,352
I never thought I would feel ashamed of being German.
421
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,855
(sighs)
422
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:04,991
Huh. See? Huh?
423
00:17:05,023 --> 00:17:06,492
They're all gone.
424
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,060
Are you happy now?
425
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:09,362
Just remember,
426
00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:12,531
I'll be patrolling this block every 15 minutes.
427
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:14,101
Merry Christmas.
428
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,537
Merry Christmas.
429
00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:19,705
(car engine starts)
430
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,114
(grunting)
431
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:38,525
I want you to buy me out.
432
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:42,061
No, Dewey, this is just a temporary setback.
433
00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:44,697
If you believe that, then buy me out.
434
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,032
It's over, Dad.
435
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,033
Over?
436
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,535
We're only one tree away!
437
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,370
Dad, we can't get the truck back.
438
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:51,871
We can't use the front lawn.
439
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:53,640
The cops are watching us.
440
00:17:53,673 --> 00:17:55,208
Face it, we've lost.
441
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,611
So you're just going to let a little reality
442
00:17:58,645 --> 00:17:59,946
stop you, is that it?
443
00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:01,881
Boys, let me tell you something.
444
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:05,418
The only way I've managed to get through my crappy life
445
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:10,323
with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial.
446
00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:12,825
If I was going to let myself get beaten by failure,
447
00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:14,561
I would've quit after one kid.
448
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:18,097
You just got to keep holding out for a miracle.
449
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:20,075
And if a miracle isn't going to come at Christmas,
450
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:21,668
then when is it going to come?!
451
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,736
(doorbell rings)
452
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,405
See?! There it is!
453
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:28,575
Our Christmas miracle! I knew it!
454
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:29,776
(laughs)
455
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:34,247
Hi.
456
00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:36,849
My kid found this cat. Is it yours?
457
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:39,352
No. Would you like to buy a Christmas tree for ten dollars?
458
00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:40,753
No, we already have a tree.
459
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,489
You got to help me out.
460
00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:45,158
I just yanked my boys back from the brink of despair
461
00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:47,427
and convinced them that life was worth living.
462
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:49,429
If you walk away without handing me ten dollars,
463
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,498
then their futures aren't worth a damn.
464
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,166
Now, I desperately need to teach them
465
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,868
the value of perseverance, and you can help me.
466
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:57,003
I don't think...
467
00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:58,538
I'll lick your shoes.
468
00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:01,341
Have you ever actually seen someone do that? I haven't.
469
00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:03,643
That's got to be worth ten dollars. I'll even...
470
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:05,878
Here, take the money.
471
00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:09,282
Take it as far as the sidewalk.
472
00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:11,194
(loudly): Pleasure doing business with you, sir.
473
00:19:11,218 --> 00:19:13,686
See what happens when you believe, boys?
474
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,488
We are profitable!
475
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:18,625
(cheering)
476
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,461
I'm just going to stop and get Dewey's hamster cage.
477
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,363
That squirrel is chewing through the box.
478
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:25,898
Do they really have to kill him
to find out if he has rabies?
479
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:27,166
Do you want the shots?
480
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,203
Wait for me in heaven.
481
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,907
Oh, my God!
482
00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:36,809
HAL: Honey, is that you?
483
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,878
What is going on here?
484
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:41,314
Good news. We did it!
485
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:42,815
We made a profit.
486
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,384
Really? How much?
487
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,018
Numbers aren't important.
488
00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:47,754
A profit is a profit.
489
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,922
Hey, look, a squirrel.
490
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:51,690
LOIS: What?
491
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:55,262
There he goes!
492
00:19:56,596 --> 00:20:00,032
Squirrel. Gone.
493
00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:03,870
Craig, we will catch him.
494
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,272
All right, here's the deal.
495
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:07,206
This time, it's ten bucks each
496
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,342
and one item from the medicine cabinet.
497
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:11,010
It's gonna be tricky, fellas.
498
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:13,813
We're on his turf now.
499
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:20,520
Thanks for spending Christmas with my relatives.
500
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,355
And next year we'll do my family.
501
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:23,856
Marriage is all about compromise.
502
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,092
PIAMA'S MOM: You think this house is a pigsty?
503
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:28,060
(glass shatters) There, now it's a pigsty!
504
00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:29,438
PIAMA'S DAD: Oh, you're real brave
505
00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:30,963
when I don't have my leg strapped on!
506
00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:33,199
They're having all the fun. We should get in there.
507
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,701
Let's do it.
508
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:37,203
You know, I feel bad for Gretchen and Otto.
509
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,138
I hope I didn't make things worse.
510
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:41,308
Thank you for taking us in.
511
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:44,677
It is nice being with a family that gets along.
512
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:47,246
Boy, you guys really gone out
513
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,481
for this Christmas.
514
00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:50,783
It's even Christmas in the bathroom!
515
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:52,084
(laughter)
516
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:55,154
As Christmases go, this one was pretty good...
517
00:20:55,187 --> 00:20:57,223
nothing on fire, no arrests,
518
00:20:57,256 --> 00:21:00,293
and, hell, we even made a profit.
35680
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