All language subtitles for Workaholics.S02E09.1080p.BluRay.x264-YELLOWBiRD

- ♪ She'll be... ♪

♪ Comin' around
that mountain ♪

♪ She'll be comin' around
that mountain ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout
mountains, y'all ♪

♪ She'll be comin' so hard ♪

♪ Around that mountain ♪

♪ When she... ♪

What do you
think she does?

Comes.

- Ooh.
- [chuckles]

- Thank you.

Thank you so fucking much.

I put my name in
for seven songs,

so I'll be
back up here again.

- Uh, yes.
- Wow.

- Instant classic.
- Wow.

[scattered applause]

- That was really scary.

I was very scared there
for a minute.

- Honestly,
you're like a crazy person.

- Okay, I'm not crazy.

It's just been
a crazy week, Anders.

Okay?

- Okay.

- Brent Hoffman died.

- Who's Brent Hoffman?

- He was my favorite cat.

- You had to put him down, huh?

- Uh, no, no.

He was eaten
by two of my other cats.

Really hard to watch.

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- Hey, I really
appreciate you guys

coming to one
of my sing-alongs finally.

- Yeah.
- It's fun.

- And as a thank-you,

I've got
some extra tickets

to the Rihanna concert
this weekend.

Do you guys want to go?

all: Yeah.
- That sounds fun.

- Who is that, though?
Yeah, I'm excited, though.

- What do you mean,
"Who is that"?

Rihanna. She's the queen
of R&B right now.

She's got that accent
from the future.

She's light-skinned,
and with the butt.

- Condom in the eye,
Waterfalls.

She's a classic. She's a cla--
she's still around.

- He has no idea.

- He knows.

- No, that's okay if you don't
know who Rihanna is, Adam.

- No, I know--
I want to go to the concert.

I know who she is.
- It'll be fun.

- I haven't seen
a concert in forever.

Last concert I went to

was that Green Day cover band,
The Basket Cases.

- That was cool.
We got high.

- I'm gonna go get
some more Molsons.

You guys want one?
- Yes!

- I would love a Molsons.

- More Molsons.
- Favorite beer.

- I'm gonna go sing
some Rihanna right now.

That's how much I love her
and know who she is.

- Right.
- Excited.

- What do you think?

Poker Face.
That's a hit of hers.

One word or two words?

- I don't know.
- Okay, well, you don't know.

Obviously, you're not fans.

You're heating on me
'cause I'm supposedly not a fan.

- Not happening,
chicken banger.

- Okay, I'm just
going for the book, so...

- Yeah, around here,
after 7:30,

it's Alice in Chains
or nothin'.

- Oh, now, now.
What's your name, bud?

Hey, I'm Blake.

I'm a hard rocker too,
so I get it.

- And I'm married,
butt pirate.

- Hey.
Hang on, buddy.

We're all friends here.
No need for the name-calling.

- Fuck off, Eddie Bauer!
- You know what?

- Whoa.
- I've got this.

You can't talk
to my friends that way.

- Is that a fact?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, but I can pour
this beer on your head...

like that.

- Oh!

- Hey, come on, that's a--
that's a perfectly good Molson.

- Hey, shithead!

Try that again, and this is
gonna happen to your dick.

Yeah, that's right.

That's your ding-dong
in two pieces!

Oh, I want you to hit me
so bad right now!

Just fucking hit me!

Get out of here, you pussy!
- Yes, ma'am. Here.

- Yes, "Yes, ma'am."

Yeah, get out of here.

Pussy.

Here you go.

You want to sing something,
Adam?

- [sobs] No.
- No.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- It's okay.

- Adam, come on.
- I feel stupid.

- No, we're gonna get--
we'll dry you off.

- I know, he's very dumb.
- I feel stupid!

- Let's go to the bathroom.
Come on.

- I would have DDT'd
that dude,

but I pulled my back
this morning...farting.

I farted really hard.

- I don't know about fighting
anymore, you know?

If you hit somebody,
and you kill them by accident,

you're flying Con Air.

- You couldn't have
fought that dude.

You're guarding
all the Molsons.

- I had to guard
the Molsons.

- If Jillian wouldn't have been
such a fight hog,

we would have scared that dude
something no-nonsense.

He was intimidated.

- What was that?
- He was intimidated at first.

- Guys, come on.
We got punked.

And we got saved
by a girl.

We might as well
cut our nuts off

and turn them in
to the dude sheriff,

'cause we don't deserve these
badges that we call testicles.

- We should just
give our balls to that guy.

- Yeah.
- I mean, he's a man.

He probably has
three balls.

- He definitely
had horrible BO.

I think that's a sign
of giant balls.

- Rank.
- Lucky.

- Testosterone stinks.
I smell like flowers.

- These hands of mine
are so soft.

It's like Chinese silk ribbon.
It's weird.

They've never done
anything manly

in my whole stupid life,
not one thing.

I pet a llama once.

That's the manliest thing
I've ever done.

- That was cool, though.

We went to that petting zoo,
all those cute ducks.

- They were scary.

- Guys, this is
what I'm talking about.

We're going
to petting zoos

when we should be slitting
the throats of those animals.

- Yeah, we should
slit throats of animals.

- We should be hunting
or, like,

pulling marlins
out of the ocean

or, like, doing--
what do men do?

- We should go camping.
- Yes.

- At the Brianna concert.

- No, Rihanna is out.
We cannot go to--

we cannot be seen
at a Rihanna concert, guys.

- No, I've got
the perfect thermos.

- We got to hunt!

We have to go
and kill something!

Hopefully not
an innocent something.

I don't like killing
innocent animals.

- We'll pick on the animals
that obviously deserve it.

- First thing's first.
Let's go buy some guns.

- What do you mean that there's
a ten-day waiting period?

That doesn't seem real.

- We have the right
to bear guns.

I know that's a fact.
That's one of the commandments.

- Dude, it's the law.

- If a man
disrespects you in a bar

and pours a beer
on your head,

you have the right
to shoot that man.

- Shut up.

- God, give me a gun!
Just give me a gun, man!

- All right.
So we can't have guns.

We just need weapons
that can kill things,

and money is no object.

I've got a credit card,
so let's make it happen.

Do you have one of these?

It's pretty intense.
You should get one.

29.99 APR.
Not bad.

Plus, I get Dannon points.

- Ooh.
- I'll be stackin' dairy, homie.

- Oh, mama!

- Dude, look at
the craftsmanship of this bow.

The guy behind
the counter,

he said that this is
the same one

they used to light the torch
at the Lillehammer Olympics.

- Ooh, nice.

- I think that was Muhammad Ali.
- My dad's gonna flip.

- But I'm not sweating it.

'cause this crossbow's
gonna shoot a bow so hard

it's gonna explode
a deer's head.

- Git 'er done.

- Yeah, git 'er "dune."

Thank you for the vest,
by the way.

I feel like I'm in S.W.A.T.

Colin Farrell.
"Get at me! Get at me!"

L.L. Cool J.
"Get at me!"

- And, Ders, thank you
for charging this to the game.

Oh, what?
Whale Wars?

Just friggin' harpoon guns?

I don't know
how it works yet, but--

- Yeah. That's not how.
- Yeah.

- Wait, so now you're
on board to hunt?

I thought you weren't
really down for it.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, but fish
aren't animals.

They're like
the rodents of the sea.

Actually, I wouldn't mind if
we just cemented over the ocean.

I hate fish.

- Speaking of oceans,
who wants to take a dip?

- Oh!

- Here we go.
Get in. Get in thick.

Don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid to swoop.

I feel like
such a man right now.

- Oh.

- Guys, you might
want to start small,

because I just put a piece in,
and I'm already buzzing.

- Is that mint,
or is that just, like, coffee?

- I'm buzzing really hard
right now.

That's good.

Oh, my brain hurts a little.
I'm tingling.

- We should s'go right now.
S'go!

- S'go!
- Yeah. S'go.

[heavy metal music playing]
- [growling]

Yeah, baby!

Oh, this song...

Actually, it sucks pretty bad.
- Very loud.

- Yeah, it's very intense.
But this is what men listen to.

- Yeah!

This is like Satan's lullaby.
It's brutal! It's masculine!

- Yeah.

- Who wants margs?

- I would love a marg.
- I'll take a marg.

- Man marg.

- It's not strawberry.
I hope you don't mind.

It's just traditional.

- That's cool. That's cool.
I'm okay with that.

You know, men, they--

sometimes they don't
get what they want,

and they deal with it.

- They deal.
- 'Cause we're men.

- Who the heck
brought lettuce on this trip?

Men don't eat lettuce!

- I didn't pack lettuce.
- Men don't eat lettuce.

- But I will put some
Lawry's salt on these burgers.

both: Lawry's.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I like that, man.

Yo, Blake.
- Huh?

- You about ready
to take the wheel up here?

Learn the how-tos of driving?
- Huh?

- I mean, you had your learner's
permit about seven years, bud.

- I'll just do that later.

Hey, come on.
Changing subjects.

Who wants some waffles
and ice cream?

- Oh, I know I do.

But I'll take
my ice cream first,

because real men
eat dessert first.

both: Dessert first!

all: Dessert first!
Dessert first!

Dessert first! Dessert first!
Dessert first! Dessert first!

- So there's supposed to be
a forest preserve up here.

Got to be pretty good hunting.
There's a bike path.

I figure we can just
shoot shit right off that.

- You think
a mountain lion

would fit on the roof
of the 'Vo?

Minus the head, of course,

'cause I've already
exploded that off.

- Right.
- Gears of War style.

- The 'Vo can handle
anything you throw at it.

- Yeah.

- Just don't throw
anything at it, please.

Wait.
[engine sputtering]

- Ah, Ders, come on!
Dude, what're you doing?

- I'm not doing anything.

- Did you put gas in it?

- Yes.
- Okay.

- The steering--
everything just went out.

Just--it stopped.
- Oh, no.

- Should we go look
at this thing?

- Yeah, let's do it.
Ders, here, take your margarita.

I want you to stay liquidated.
It's hot.

Well, she looks damn good.

both: Yeah.

- Well, you know, it might be
the non-American engine.

They're a little
weaker overseas.

American muscle,
now, that's where it's at.

- I want to agree with you...
- Yeah.

- Except this is
Swedish-engineered,

so you're kind of wrong.

- Mm.
- Ooh.

- But I'll call AAA,

see if they can tow her down
to Sven's garage.

- No, n-n-n-n-no!
- No.

- Come on.

Gonna let somebody else
put their hands on your baby?

- Yeah, we're a couple of men.
- Yeah.

- Men work on cars.
- Okay.

- I think I'm gonna
get the men

a couple of burgers,
all right?

'Cause I know
my two little grease monkeys

are gonna get
a little appetite worked up.

- Daddy's hungry.
Yeah.

Hey, why don't we get
a full-on pop-dog?

We're working
with a semi-pop-dog right now.

- Coming right up.
- We're at a half-pop.

We need to be
a full-on pop-dog, yo.

- Full-pop coming right up.
- Full pop-doggie.

- And, the hood popped!

- No, you popped
the trunk there.

- I know.
- Do you not know how to--

- No, I know.
I got a sweatshirt.

It's gonna get cold soon,
you know?

We're gonna be out here.

I think it's--

- We're at a half-pop-doggie
right now.

I wanna go to the full pop.
- I know. I know. I know.

If I recall,
in my auto training,

when I was 16,
there's a...

secret latch.

Ha-ha!

- Oh! Yes!

Secret latch?
- Whoo!

- Did you
see that, Blake?

- Um, Ders, secret latch?

- Secret latch.

This guy knew
about secret latches.

- Unbelievable.
I'm blown away.

- So, what do we
got here, right?

- What are we looking at?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I'm gonna go right off the bat
and say it's the carburetor.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- That's a--
that's a pretty good assumption.

- Yes.

- But quite frankly,
I think you're wrong.

I think it's the gasket.

- Mm.
- Yeah, that gasket--

that's weird right there.

This whole region right here
is looking a little funky.

- You know what?
We might need a new region.

- Oh, come on.

- Regions are common problems
in Volvos.

- Possibly.
- Don't say that.

- I do know one thing
is for sure.

It's not the battery zone,

and I got some burgers
to prove it.

- Ooh, that's true.

- And we got margaritas
to prove it.

- Battery's working great.

- And we have
waffles to prove it,

and then we had the iPod dock
also proving it.

- Jamming.

- It's probably
the battery zone.

- It's the battery.
We wore down the battery.

- Here we go!

Oh!
- Okay.

- We can do it!
Put some glute into it!

- Yeah.
- Here we go.

- Oh, this is cool!

I'm glad we didn't call AAA

and took fate
into our own hands like Conan.

Ow, ow. I got it.
Anchor.

- Holy moly,
look at this classic.

- Yeah, she's pretty,
got nice lines,

but nothing on the Swedish
meatball here.

- Yeah.

- That is American muscle.
That car fought in Vietnam.

- All right, men.

Here's my credit card.
Go get some man snacks.

both: Yeah.
- Pay for the battery.

I'm gonna go, uh,
rap with the engineer here.

See what he can tell me.
- You got it.

- Oh, get some,
uh, beef jerky.

But not the peppered.
I've got acid reflux.

- Wash your window
for $1.57.

- Are you gonna
buy beer with it?

- No.

- Oh, well, then, I'm sorry.
Our money's actually for beer.

- I'm gonna get Schnapps.

- Yeah, Schnapps. Cool, cool.
- Yeah. Awesome.

- We love booze too.
- A dollar.

- Oh, I don't have any money.
- No cash.

- Do you have a card swiper?
'cause I'll give you--

I'll give you,
like, $1,000.

- No.

- We'll look
for a hat for you.

- Yeah.
- We'll get you a hat.

- Homeless people
should have card swipers.

- They should.

- I'd make a great
homeless person.

I'd just carry
a card swiper.

- Thanks a lot, Mike.

I'd tip you, but my buddy's
got my credit card, so...

- Hey-oh! And the snacksters
are back-Ders!

- Whoa.

- How was the battery swap,
educational?

- Uh, he didn't
let me watch,

but he's got
a super-cool iguana inside.

- What?
- Really?

- Yeah, you should check it out.
- Cool.

- What'd the battery run me?

- Mmm...
I don't know.

It was, like, 200
or 300 or--200 buck--

I think it was,
like, 100 bucks.

I don't know; money's
not a thing to me anymore,

'cause I just
charged to the game.

- Yeah,
now with that credit card,

you can get whatever you want,
whenever you want,

and it's all, like,
free, basically.

- Yeah, it's awesome.

- All right, guys,
about the credit card--

just a guideline--

- To the north!
- Yeah!

- Okay, going north.

- If you're a Viking and you
scream that with a beard,

that's manly.

- Wait.

- Oh, grab your guns!

Grab your guns!

- Oh, is this--is this
the little guy we're gonna get?

- Yeah, we're gonna
kill this dude.

- Just get your...
thing.

[percussive music]

[men chanting
in Native American language]

- Holy moly,
she's a thick bitch.

- She is.
- A worthy adversary.

That's why I'm gonna string up
and go for her first.

- Yeah, right, Ders.
First come, first kill, bud.

- I don't know, guys.

It's just a dude
diving in a dumpster.

We've all been there.

- Blake, it's cute.
It's a cute raccoon.

Doesn't mean
it doesn't deserve to die,

because I'm a man.

- Stop shaking
and take the shot.

- I'm not
nervous right now.

- I didn't say
you were nervous.

- Well, I'm not, then.

Shh, quiet.
There's animals.

♪♪

- Oh, hey! Hey!

[tribal chanting]

[all screaming]

- Oh, my God!
- That was awesome!

- You saved my girl catcher.
- What?

- That's what I'm calling my
face now, the girl catcher.

- Hey, Cassie,
I got you some corn nuts.

You killed my raccoon.

- Sir, back up.
We're hunting here, okay?

- Yeah, we're hunting.
It's cool!

Adam, finish him.
Babe-ality.

- Good call. Babe-ality.
- Be humane.

- I'm just gonna swiftly
sever the spinal cord.

Save the good meat, you know?

- [screams]

That's my Cassie!

- Oh, is that why
it has a collar?

I was--I was wondering
why it had a col--

Oh, it's yours.

- She's still breathing.

- I don't know about that.
That might be the rigamorphis.

That was a really good
hunting kick.

That was a death-blow, for sure.
- Thank you.

- Guys, guys, it's his pet.
- Yeah, sorry about that.

I'm just saying.

- Give me your car keys!

I'll take her to the vet.

- Or we could let her
die with dignity

next to the trash can,
and then honor her legacy

by mounting her
on the hood of the 'Vo.

- Yeah.
- That's a good idea.

- Honor, legacy--
- Honor, dignity--

- Give me the keys!

- Look, sir,
you can't just yell at us.

We're three tough men.

And if you want the keys,

you're gonna have to go in
my pocket and get it yourself.

- Yeah, yeah.

Don't think I don't know
how to reload this thing,

'cause I--
[strains] I do...

- Yeah, and I'm, uh,
buzzing pretty good,

so just buzz off,
buzzter.

- Shut up!

You tried to kill
the only thing

that means anything to me
in this shitty world.

Now, gimme your car keys,
or I'll rip your dicks off

and finger fuck you
in the holes that it leaves.

- She takes premium!

- Well, there goes
our man trip.

[engine grinds]

- Thought you
got it fixed.

- [screams]
This is a stick!

- It is?

- Well, which one of you little
shits is gonna come along

and teach me how to drive?

- I can't, legally.
Yeah, I have a lot of DUIs.

- I'll go--
- Come on!

- Guys, if I die,
spread my ashes

at the Pasadena
Aquatic Center!

- Okay.
- You have to pop the clutch.

And at my funeral,
play Kells!

Okay, use the clutch.

- [screams] We should have
fought that dude, man!

What is this weekend
all about

if we're still gonna
be giant pussies?

- Yeah, I know, but he said
"finger fuck a hole."

I shut down.

- Real men would have
stood up for themselves

and fought the man,
but we're not real men,

we're little...boys!

- I know.
What should we do?

Maybe call our dads,
or Karl, I'm thinking?

- No, man!
We got to save Ders!

That's what we got to do!

- But we better act fast.

He's probably making Ders
give him road head.

- That feels good
right there.

Tell me when to pop.

- No, just--
just do it when you feel it.

- Well, here it comes.

Go!

- See?
- Yeah.

- That's changing gears.
- Yeah.

- My dad taught me
the same way.

He put his hands
on my feet,

showed me how to work it.

You swear you've never
done this before?

- [chuckles]
Scout's honor.

- Well, you're damn good.
I'm impressed.

- Well, you're
a damn good teacher.

I appreciate your patience.
How's Cassie?

- She's gonna be all right.
I think she's okay.

And again,
I'm sorry about that.

When I kicked her,
I didn't know she was your pet.

It's just, me and my guys,
we set out on this man weekend

to be, like, hunters and prove
something to ourselves,

when, truth be told,
I'd rather be at home

drinking Boon's Farm and just
bumping some Jamie Foxx, man.

- Jamie Foxx?
[laughs]

Yeah, yeah.
- What? Yes, I like Jamie Foxx.

- Yeah, me too!

You realize you're
kind of like Jamie Foxx

in that movie Collateral
right now?

- Oh, my God, I am.
- Yeah!

- That's so cool!
- [laughs]

- And that's--you're Tom Cruise.
- Yeah!

- Oh, man.

This is so cool.
- Oh, yeah, this is cool.

- God, they make
the best movies together.

They need to do more.

- I gotta shift again.

- Yep, go into third.
- Ready?

[engine growls]

- I feel badass!

- Yeah, 'cause we are
badass right now!

This is so badass!

- But I've never driven before.
I don't know if I can do it.

- Ders' life
is in our hands, okay?

You got to step up
to the streets, man.

Let's just
catch up to 'em.

Daddy DeMamp
will take care of the rest.

- All right.

Buckle up.

We're about to get nuts.

I got dry-roasted, but they
only had cashew hal--halves!

Yeah! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
I'm doing it!

I'm doing it!
- Yeah!

- Hey, you ever see
that Jamie Foxx special, uh,

I Might Need Security?

You ever see that?

- What do you think, Doug?

- Whoa-whoa-whoa!

- [laughs]
- Whoa-whoa-whoa!

- "I got the flag, player.
I got the flag."

- There she blows.

- Aye-aye.

[tires screech]

- Yo!

That's my buddies.
- Hey!

- Where did you
get that car?

Check it out!

No, don't!

- Ders says that dude
is trying to kill him!

I'm glad we made it here
before he got bludgeoned!

- Yeah, well, you know,

when you got Uncle Blazer
behind the wheel,

things tend to go
un-bludgeoned!

- Hey, what's he doing?
- I don't know!

I'm Jamie Foxx
and he's Tom Cruise!

- Yeah!

- Get up close!

I'm gonna shoot out
the tire!

- Yes.
You're okay to fire!

- I'm--
yeah, I'm going to, okay?

It's very windy up here!

- Yes, I know!
We'll get snacks later!

All right!
- I'm not nervous!

Damn it!

Keep it steady
in here, dude!

- Come on, man,
I'm a first-time driver.

I'm, like, a student driver,
basically.

- You're doing
a great job, okay?

- Yeah, thanks, man.

You're out of ammo!
Here, take this!

- Ooh, I like that.

- Adam, Ders needs you.
He saved your girl catcher.

- Thanks for calling it that,
man.

[dramatic music]

♪♪

[slowed-down audio]
Kill shot!

- Okay, downshift.

- No!

[both screaming]

[tires screech]

- Oh!

- Dude!
Are you all right?

- Oh!
[wheezes]

I'm good. I'm good.
That didn't even hurt.

- What?
- That didn't even hurt.

It looked like it hurt,
but it didn't even.

- Okay, all right, we'll do
a little bit of this here.

Follow this.
- Yeah.

- Follow this.
- Yeah, I'm--yeah, I am.

- Okay, he's all right.
- Good to go! Whoo!

- All right, man,
let's kick this dude's ass, man!

- No, no, no, guys! Guys!
- Yes!

- Guys, come on, relax.

His name's Doug.
He's cool, okay?

Smoothed things over.

I was just gonna
take him to the vet

and come back and get you guys,
but what are you doing?

- We're--we were, uh,
gonna come back as heroes

and save your ass,
uh, though.

- Yeah, and, uh,
I drove the car, though.

- What?
- Yeah.

- And we bought a car
with your credit card, though.

- You what?

- Well, you're gonna get
lots of yogurt, though.

- Look, we're not cut out
for this guys' stuff.

Can I just
say that out loud?

- Hey, what the heck?

This might not be
our Will Forte, who knows?

- It definitely isn't.

- We're no MacGrubers.

- Okay, so why don't we
just go get Doug,

and kick it with his brother,
who owns a Wienerschnitzel?

He said he'd
hook us up right now.

- What?
- Yeah, I'm starving.

- Yo, Jamie!

Whoa-whoa-whoa!
[chuckles]

[engine turns]
- What are you doing?

[engine revs]

- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Tom!
- Tom?

- I mean, Doug!

Well, there goes our...
chili cheese dogs.

- Ah, it's okay.
Let's go to a bar.

Let's go get drunk.
I'm ready to go.

I'm okay, I'm good to go.
I'm good to...go right now.

- Okay, shh.
- Whoo!

- I think I got
a better idea.

- Oh, my gosh, you guys.

Rihanna tore the roof
off that mothersucker tonight.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, she did!

- She's good!

- By the way, guys,
no more Kells.

I want Rihanna's Take a Bow
played at my funeral.

- Dude, she was
whipping her booty

like nothing
I've ever seen before.

I think I can do that.

- Take it down, you idiot.

- Oh, looks like
we got a r-r-rude boy.

- Go home.
You're acting like children.

- Jillian?

- Excuse me, boys.

Sir, you've got about
five seconds to get out of here,

before I beat your ass

in front of your ugly,
funky-butt children!

- Yeah!

- They called me
the "dad ruiner" in high school!

- What?
- Rihanna!

- What now? What now?

- Nice.

[dog snorting,
noisemaker toots]

Retail subrip by jeem.