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1
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[dramatic music]
2
00:00:05,547 --> 00:00:12,215
♪♪
3
00:00:15,641 --> 00:00:17,678
- [imitating glass shattering]
4
00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:26,391
We've been spotted!
5
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,644
[imitating machine gun firing]
6
00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:31,692
[groaning]
7
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,155
The prisoner should be
right over this wall.
8
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,198
I'm gonna go ahead and make
a grand entrance.
9
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,408
[grunting]
10
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,752
I'm Lieutenant Blazer
from the U.S. Special Forces.
11
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:46,915
I'm here to rescue you.
12
00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:53,259
[grunts]
13
00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:59,592
This is completely
against military protocol...
14
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:02,139
- Girls shouldn't be allowed
to play if they're gonna cry.
15
00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:06,101
- Hey, guys.
16
00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:07,519
This is Sigourney Beaver.
17
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:09,813
She is not a sex doll.
She's a Real Doll.
18
00:01:09,945 --> 00:01:13,484
I'm told she was on set
of Alien: Resurrection.
19
00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:16,483
I have a certificate, so...
not a sex doll.
20
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:17,574
- All I'm saying is that
21
00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:18,989
you don't charge
the mound on a girl.
22
00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:20,453
What if you popped
one of her things?
23
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:21,788
- There's no crying
in softball.
24
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,783
- She's not a sex doll.
25
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:28,787
[hip-hop music]
26
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:29,958
- ♪ I'm fresh ♪
27
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,456
♪♪
28
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,379
- ♪ You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta ♪
29
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,217
- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪
30
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,301
- I love that hat.
31
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- Why, thank you.
32
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They gave it to me
33
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,302
'cause I'm the top sales gun
of the month.
34
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:45,849
It's like an honor
that they bestow
35
00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:48,268
upon just one guy a month.
36
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,767
- I thought you bought
that at 7-Eleven.
37
00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:52,609
- Yeah, well, I kind of did
with all the earnings
38
00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:54,980
that I'm making as top gun,
so think before you speak.
39
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,947
- [coughing]
40
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:57,940
- Eww.
- Ugh.
41
00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,692
- Okay.
42
00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:01,490
Good morning, everyone.
43
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:05,332
You're probably w-
[coughing]
44
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,246
Okay, you're probably
wondering why Jillian
45
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,243
looks like an overgrown rug rat.
46
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,244
- How's it going?
47
00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,872
- Well, my college gal pal
Rachael
48
00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:14,169
is actually product manager
49
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:16,668
for one of our favorite clients,
Fuzzy Onesies.
50
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:17,839
[coughing]
51
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,303
And I thought
it would be a real treat
52
00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:20,512
to send her a staff photo
53
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:24,510
of all of you guys wearing
her adult pajamas.
54
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:25,931
- [whistling]
- Oh, you go, girl!
55
00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:28,100
- Okay, so everyone has a pair
of pajamas at their desks,
56
00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:29,767
so we'll just fit this in
at lunch.
57
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:30,765
- Okay.
- What?
58
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:31,766
- Lunch?
- Lunch.
59
00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:32,858
- No.
60
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,318
- But that's when I read
magazines.
61
00:02:34,446 --> 00:02:36,779
When am I gonna have time
to read magazines?
62
00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:38,273
- Come on.
- God, okay, you know what?
63
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:39,944
We are doing this...
64
00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:40,988
[coughing]
65
00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,109
because it's cute...
66
00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:44,077
[coughing]
67
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:45,162
it's fun...
68
00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:46,201
[coughing]
69
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,369
and if you don't-
70
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,333
[coughs]
Oh, God.
71
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:50,577
[gagging]
72
00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:52,169
- Ooh.
73
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,463
- I'm just gonna
have to swallow that.
74
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,552
Okay, you know what?
I'm done.
75
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,422
I can't take it.
I'm going home.
76
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:05,345
If any of you have
any questions or concerns,
77
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:07,810
Jillian is gonna be
my eyes and my ears
78
00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:09,145
for the rest of the day.
79
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:11,730
So just let her know,
and she'll give me a call.
80
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:13,394
Don't you fucking
dare call me.
81
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:14,643
- All right.
82
00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:17,737
- Wait, you're leaving her
in charge, not me?
83
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:21,028
- Okay, Anders, just please
worry about yourself, please.
84
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,195
- Don't worry about anything.
85
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:24,740
Go home and you RICE,
all right?
86
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:28,831
That stands for
rest, ice, coffee, explosion.
87
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:32,043
- Shut up, Jillian.
- All right.
88
00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:34,628
- Alice, feel better.
89
00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:36,418
Take it sleazy.
90
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,007
- [coughs]
91
00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,296
- That's a thing
I'm saying now.
92
00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,169
Take it sleazy.
- I like it, yeah.
93
00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:42,511
- As your newly appointed
leader,
94
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:45,256
my first order-
wait, guys, don't leave yet.
95
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,600
No, wait, we haven't
figured out the pajama thing.
96
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,765
Waymond, you stay right there.
97
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,057
Get in that-
98
00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:53,476
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
99
00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:54,894
- That's a hat.
100
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:56,983
- Oh, hey, guys, do you mind
getting back to your desks
101
00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:58,774
and making it
a successful workday?
102
00:03:58,905 --> 00:03:59,816
- Ooh!
103
00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:01,439
- One more toss,
and then that's it.
104
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:04,192
Okay, maybe not a beer,
maybe paperwork.
105
00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:05,659
Hey, jet-s-
oh.
106
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,870
Uh, so I was thinking
107
00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:09,955
maybe we should do
the group photo soon.
108
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,324
- Suck my dick.
109
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,371
Be gone.
110
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,495
- Okay.
111
00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:17,462
Hey, Blake, be honest.
112
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,708
What is it about me
that no one respects?
113
00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,379
Is it my hair?
114
00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:22,627
Yeah.
115
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,800
I'm thinking about
getting a new haircut,
116
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:26,467
changing stuff up,
117
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,092
maybe getting like an...
Arnie Schwarzenegger,
118
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,469
Jingle All the Way type
of haircut?
119
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:35,144
You know, short,
tall, and stiff.
120
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,187
Kind of like how I like my men.
[laughs]
121
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:38,935
- [coughs]
122
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:39,935
Oh.
123
00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:41,983
Oh, I literally almost puked.
124
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,447
- That's right.
Work parties.
125
00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:45,737
- Kind of makes you wish Alice
was sick forever.
126
00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:47,986
- Or that Jillian
was in charge as well also.
127
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,032
- Jillian's not in charge.
128
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:50,371
- If anybody should be
in charge,
129
00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:51,831
it should be
the top gun over here.
130
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,166
- I mean, why would she send me
to that leadership conference
131
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,705
to see Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger
speak?
132
00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:57,044
- Yeah, well,
she didn't send you.
133
00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:59,004
- Right, but I went anyway.
I showed initiative.
134
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,499
- I can't believe
you are such a dick hole
135
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,217
and didn't invite me
to see Rudy.
136
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:04,426
He's my hero.
137
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,546
The way he carried Frodo
up that mountain.
138
00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:08,673
- No, I didn't see Sean Astin,
the actor.
139
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,846
I saw Rudy,
like, the real Rudy.
140
00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:13,014
He dead-lifted 350
right in front of us.
141
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,853
- Oh.
142
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:15,971
I'm here.
143
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:18,269
- Getting that perp.
Got that perp on.
144
00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:19,437
- Guys.
- What's up, fellas?
145
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:20,935
- You smelt those burgers, huh?
- Yep.
146
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:22,562
- I got a couple toppings
for the burgers,
147
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:23,653
raided some lunches.
148
00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,068
Dude, check this out.
149
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,864
Waymond only eats gummy worms.
- All right.
150
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:29,951
- Anyways, I thought maybe
151
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,446
you could throw a couple
on my burger,
152
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:32,662
do it Ninja Turtle style.
153
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:33,872
- Let's do it.
- You're the best.
154
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:34,911
- Let's do it.
- Thanks.
155
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:35,999
[glass thuds]
156
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,538
- Oh!
- Jeez.
157
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,537
- Babe, we can't hear you, babe.
- We can't hear you.
158
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:40,914
- We can't hear you, though.
- What?
159
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:42,039
- We can't hear you.
160
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,382
- I couldn't hear
you guys either.
161
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:44,466
But what was I saying was,
162
00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:45,880
I thought I could count
on you boys,
163
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:47,219
but nope, you have to go fool me
164
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,805
with the sex dummy
in the swivel chair routine.
165
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,970
- It takes a dummy
to fool a dummy, dummy!
166
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:54,765
- Well, at least I'm not pumping
a plastic bitch, you pervs.
167
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,182
- Gross!
- Okay, she's not a bitch.
168
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,055
She's a Real Doll.
She's a real friend to me.
169
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,023
- I'm sorry; I didn't know
she was your friend.
170
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,063
- Blake, I thought I told you
to get rid of that thing.
171
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,481
It's breeding ground
for bacteria.
172
00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:04,524
- Is it?
173
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:05,737
- Get off my back
about it, Ders.
174
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:06,777
I washed her.
175
00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:07,864
- You did-like when-
176
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:10,155
how many days did you-
ago did wash it?
177
00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:12,028
- Yeah, no, I just threw her
in the dishwasher,
178
00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:13,904
put it on, like,
the heavy pot scrubbing mode.
179
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,201
- Okay. That's disgusting.
180
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:17,245
I'm, like, itching already
just thinking about it.
181
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,743
- She's not a sex doll
because none of us
182
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:19,995
are having sex with it.
183
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:21,462
- Sex is a pretty relative term.
184
00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:22,876
Like, what is sex, you know?
185
00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:24,419
- Guys, can you please
set a good example
186
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:25,712
and go back to work, please?
187
00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:27,255
I hate telling people
what to do.
188
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,219
It makes me anxious,
and I get all sweaty,
189
00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:31,430
and then I get
all body-conscious.
190
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,925
How bad is it?
How bad is it?
191
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,097
Scale of one to soaked.
- Not good.
192
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,061
- Guys, no.
Not in the office.
193
00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:40,101
It's not classy.
Hey!
194
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,349
Get back-okay.
195
00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:42,725
Who did that?
196
00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:44,568
Hillbillies.
197
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:47,814
[computer beeps]
198
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:49,781
Well, well, well.
199
00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:58,782
All right.
200
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,127
Listen up,
you minimum-wage lowlifes!
201
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:04,167
Gather round to see
the freak show.
202
00:07:04,299 --> 00:07:06,962
So Alice got an email
from Corporate
203
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,131
that says that she's supposed
to fire four people this week
204
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,925
due to their recent performance.
205
00:07:12,057 --> 00:07:13,298
- What?
- That's right.
206
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,766
Four of you
are getting the chop.
207
00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:17,305
So if you wanna
keep your jobs,
208
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,429
you might wanna go
get on those pajamas.
209
00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:21,647
- First of all, you can't just
be firing people, Jillian.
210
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,232
You ain't even the boss.
- Uh-oh.
211
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,477
- Are you out your mind?
Where you going?
212
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,978
Where you going, Jillian?
213
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,446
Jillian, don't be closing
the door in my face, woman!
214
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:32,442
- Shoot, shoot, shoot.
Oh, God.
215
00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:33,784
Oh, what have I done?
216
00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,904
[hip-hop music]
217
00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,701
- Come on.
- Oh, stop it!
218
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:43,919
- It's fine.
I got everything under control.
219
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:45,504
- Really?
Everything's under control?
220
00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,840
Jet-set's up here
shoving thumbs up butts.
221
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:48,833
- Jet-set, stop it!
222
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,050
- Let these Papa Smurfs in.
223
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:51,760
We'll put some red pants
on this situation.
224
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,550
- Well, when you
put it like that...
225
00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:54,672
- Come on.
226
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:55,673
- Ow.
Who did that?
227
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,050
- Help.
No.
228
00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:58,471
- Ow.
- It's us.
229
00:07:58,603 --> 00:07:59,764
- Careful.
230
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:01,432
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
231
00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:02,850
- Stop, you monster.
- Hey!
232
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,645
- Okay, that was just violent
for no reason.
233
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:08,360
That was full penetration.
I feel...violated.
234
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,899
- I don't know what happened,
really.
235
00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:11,988
I just-I wanted them
to respect me,
236
00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:14,029
and then they went crazy.
237
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,948
And to make matters worse,
I can't find my Uncrustables,
238
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,572
and my butthole is sweating
like it's getting paid to.
239
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:20,619
- Oh!
- Khaki.
240
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:21,991
All right.
Here's the deal.
241
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,959
- We need to go calm
the herd ASAP, right?
242
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:25,294
How are we gonna do that?
243
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:27,038
We're gonna go tell
the people that are fired
244
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:28,380
that they're fired.
245
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,249
- Donald Trump these fools.
You're terminated!
246
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:32,752
- Once they hear that news,
everybody will relax,
247
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,719
they'll go back to work,
we'll be good to glow.
248
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,885
- People are gonna hate me
if I fire them.
249
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:37,882
- It's not that hard.
250
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,054
I mean, give me the list,
251
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:40,847
and I'll Schindler
those fools right now.
252
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:42,936
- Nah, I don't think you
want to say that, actually.
253
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:44,805
- That's so inappropriate.
254
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,148
- I never saw the movie.
255
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,357
- It's a tearjerker.
256
00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:48,726
Morgan Freeman,
Jack Nicholson.
257
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:49,898
They have a whole list
258
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,443
that they need to Schindler
before they die.
259
00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:53,860
- That's Bucket List.
260
00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:55,574
- Okay, guys, Corporate
261
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:56,988
hasn't even sent me
the names yet.
262
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,907
And besides that,
I've been fired
263
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,247
from a lot of jobs before...
264
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,490
- All right.
You know what?
265
00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:04,161
This is why I should've
been left in charge
266
00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:06,752
'cause all the stuff out there
wouldn't be happening right now,
267
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,212
'cause I'm a born leader,
all right?
268
00:09:08,339 --> 00:09:09,671
I'd be out there
commanding people,
269
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:11,210
they'd be listening to me,
270
00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:13,254
and they'd be doing everything
I want them to do.
271
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,752
- What's the problem
with your face?
272
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,675
- It's the onesie.
It's giving me hives.
273
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,672
It's like a synthetic wool
or something.
274
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:21,926
- Jillian, I think
this is gonna be good for you.
275
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:25,021
Yeah, we might have
a major breakthrough.
276
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:28,016
Damn! You are just, like,
really sweating.
277
00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:29,267
You're armpits are unreal.
278
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,938
- Are they-they got worse?
They might be.
279
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,437
- How about we get her
some fresh air?
280
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,904
- All right,
we just got to figure out
281
00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:35,239
how to get past these psychos.
282
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:36,948
- All right, let's go.
Let's go.
283
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,284
- [grunting]
284
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,822
- Oh, y'all in here
fucking that thing.
285
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,195
Get back!
Let's just go.
286
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:42,447
- Don't wanna have sex you.
287
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,074
- Yes, you do
'ause you nasty.
288
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,918
- Okay, sweetie,
I want you to just smile.
289
00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:51,289
All right, be calm,
and just say it.
290
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,461
- [whispers] Be a cold-blooded
robot, Jillian.
291
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:54,800
No fear.
292
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,716
- I'm sorry to tell you this,
but you're f...
293
00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:58,803
- Say it!
294
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,139
- I can't.
Her face is too sad.
295
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,098
- She's too-
it's a Real Doll.
296
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:04,469
- It's Blake's friend.
297
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,970
- Do you realize
that the United States
298
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,142
is on life support
right now?
299
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,606
- Watch your mouth, bro.
300
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:12,021
- My dad says that international
economic competition
301
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,689
is heating up
because the United States
302
00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:15,905
is getting too fat and too lazy.
303
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:18,945
My dad says we think
we deserve jobs.
304
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:20,033
My dad says we don't.
305
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:22,153
- Does your dad
ever fire people?
306
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,496
- My dad has fired
over 200 people
307
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:25,831
this fiscal year alone.
308
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,166
You want to know why?
309
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,286
Because he's trying
to save this country.
310
00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,333
- Are you crying right now?
- No, I'm not crying.
311
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,876
- Are you all right?
- It's the onesie.
312
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,670
It's burning my eyes.
Stop!
313
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:36,918
- Wanna hug?
314
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:38,214
- I'm going to flush
my eyes out.
315
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,302
- Deal with this.
316
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:40,420
- Okay.
I got an idea.
317
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,014
What if we do, like,
a little scrimmage?
318
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,599
Adam, you be the firee...
319
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:46,059
- That doesn't make much sense,
kinda the top gun.
320
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,179
- And I will be
the firer, okay.
321
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:51,307
And no matter what this guy says
or throws my way, you know,
322
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:54,185
I'll just power through,
and I'll fire the guy, okay?
323
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,561
It's real easy.
Are you ready?
324
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:58,440
- I'm ready.
- Okay, let's get to it.
325
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:04,162
Adam, I'm sorry to say this,
but we got to let you go, bud.
326
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,912
- [as Al Pacino]
You're firing me?
327
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:13,663
I work here for 60 years
building this company
328
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:17,166
from the ground up,
and you firing me?
329
00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:18,292
- Sorry, dude.
330
00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:20,715
- I ain't going out
like no bitch,
331
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,008
ya bitch.
332
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:24,177
- Anders, you heard anything?
333
00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:26,551
I can't lose my job.
You understand?
334
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,302
I ain't going back
to substitute teaching.
335
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:30,430
- Montez, my eyes
are burning right now.
336
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:31,555
Come on.
337
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,229
- Them kids got no shame,
no decency.
338
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,067
Thanks for this apron, man.
339
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:39,655
- You got a.44 magnum
pointed at your head.
340
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:42,274
What the fuck
are you doing?
341
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:47,246
You fire me, I'll kill you
and everybody in here.
342
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:49,831
- Oh, do what he says, Blake.
343
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,575
- You really think
I'm that stupid?
344
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,543
- What are you talking about?
345
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:54,627
- [spits]
346
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:58,420
Check the gun, hotshot.
347
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,042
- Very clever.
348
00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:02,386
Very clever.
349
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:04,095
You take the bullets
out of my gun.
350
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,465
- Yeah.
351
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,217
- But let's see
if you can take the bullets
352
00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:10,185
out of this...
353
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:12,270
butterfly knife.
354
00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:18,269
- Jillian, go ahead and give
this guy a cigarette,
355
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,270
'cause I'm about
to light him up.
356
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:23,614
- What are those,
sunglasses?
357
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,531
- Yeah, sunglasses.
- Cool.
358
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,199
- For my flamethrower.
359
00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:30,323
- No, no.
360
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:34,577
- You're fired.
- No!
361
00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:35,623
- You're so fired.
362
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,667
- [screaming]
363
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:45,758
- [screaming]
364
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:49,258
- [screaming and gagging]
365
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,352
- And he's fired.
366
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:53,846
- And I'm fired.
- And he's fired.
367
00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,974
- That was very informative.
- Thank you.
368
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,475
- And a wonderful performance.
369
00:12:58,861 --> 00:12:59,772
Oh, the names came in.
370
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:00,940
- Oh, here we go, baby.
371
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:02,028
Who's gettin' chopped?
372
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:03,317
Jillian-style.
373
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,236
- Okay. Clint.
374
00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:06,279
- Mm-hmm, yes.
- Yeah.
375
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:07,822
- Garth.
- That makes sense.
376
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:08,819
- Lois.
377
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:09,820
- Oh, the big stink.
378
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:10,867
- Ooh.
379
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,661
- And...Adam.
380
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,828
- Hmm?
- Who?
381
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,701
- Demamp.
Oh.
382
00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:16,827
- I'm-I'm confused.
383
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:17,828
- Wait, I'm fired?
384
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,080
- No.
385
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:20,171
- Good.
386
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,043
- You're going to be fired.
387
00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:27,672
- Fuck.
388
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,174
- ♪ You gotta ♪
- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪
389
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:38,186
- Fuck!
390
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,308
Me!
391
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:41,814
- It's for real.
392
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,903
- Jillian, how many times
have I saved your life, hmm?
393
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,273
- I don't know...six?
394
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:46,364
- Never!
395
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:47,482
And I never will now
396
00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:49,075
because I thought
we were work friends,
397
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,535
and then you fire me.
398
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,700
And then you fire me
like a cold-blooded robot.
399
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,198
You're like,
"Yeah, you're fired!"
400
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,371
- I was just doing
what you told me to do.
401
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,539
- Since when
have you listened to me?
402
00:13:58,671 --> 00:13:59,707
I just talk.
403
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,046
I just talk
to hear myself think.
404
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,290
Nobody actually listens to me.
405
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:07,261
Hey, you know,
I'm just here talking and-
406
00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:09,880
Why the fuck are there
no Reese's pieces?
407
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,133
- Okay, Adam...
- Suck Reese's pieces!
408
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,260
- Hey, you are stress-eating.
Give me the chips.
409
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:15,931
Plain potato chips, really?
410
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:17,430
You can have one more.
411
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:19,682
Now were closing this.
412
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:20,933
Unreal.
413
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,150
Come on.
414
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,190
I'm sure this is all
just a big mistake.
415
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:25,483
Let's just relax.
416
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,527
Let's calm our jets.
417
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:29,194
- My jets are calm.
418
00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:32,445
Besides, Alice is the only one
that can fire me.
419
00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:33,912
So I'm not going anywhere
420
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:40,332
until I hear it come
from her sweet, pursed lips.
421
00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:41,624
- Okay.
422
00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:44,248
This is exactly
what I didn't want to happen.
423
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,376
- I'm wearing a Top Gun hat,
for God sakes.
424
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:49,379
If I get fired today,
I'm gonna look like an idiot.
425
00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:50,880
And this hat's badass.
426
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,096
- It is. I love it.
427
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,591
- They should fire
some other dummy.
428
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,433
- Oh.
- Wait.
429
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:56,597
Did you just...
430
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:57,685
- I have to go to rest room.
431
00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:58,679
- I have an idea.
432
00:14:58,815 --> 00:14:59,805
- Oh.
433
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,774
- Uh...oh, yes.
434
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:03,767
Great.
435
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:04,939
Oh, I got it.
436
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,939
- [coughing]
437
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,441
- Who's there?
Hello?
438
00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,317
Is someone there?
Listen, I'm armed.
439
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,445
And I've got AIDS,
so it's not worth it.
440
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:15,616
- What?
441
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,284
Okay, what the hell
is going on here?
442
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:18,407
- Oh, Alice.
443
00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:20,409
Hey, listen,
these-these onesies,
444
00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:21,626
they're making me break out.
445
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,370
I can't really see anything.
446
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:24,417
I got to go to the hospital.
447
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:25,915
- See, I just got a call
from Montez,
448
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,633
says that Jillian is going
around firing people.
449
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,377
- Well, yeah.
She is.
450
00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:31,629
And you know what?
451
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,177
Rudy says, "When you leave
the third-string kicker
452
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:37,517
in the quarterback's position,
someone's gonna get sacked."
453
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:39,227
- Okay, just shut up
and follow me.
454
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:40,687
I want to know
what's going on.
455
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,556
- Okay, just-will you take
my hand, actually?
456
00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:43,682
- Hey, Alice, hold up.
457
00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:44,683
- What?
458
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:45,855
- One thing right quick.
459
00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:46,977
What's up?
460
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:49,651
- Adam, get down from there
right now.
461
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,569
- I don't have to listen
to anything you have to say
462
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:52,942
for the rest of my life,
463
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:56,161
which is about to end
because you fired me, Alice.
464
00:15:56,289 --> 00:16:00,704
So hear me, world,
'cause these are my last words.
465
00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:02,121
If you take anything
466
00:16:02,253 --> 00:16:04,461
from Adam "The Top Gun" Demamp's
life,
467
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:05,830
take this.
468
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:09,049
Take it sleazy.
469
00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:10,213
And I'm out.
470
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:11,551
Write that down.
471
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,420
"Take it sleazy, and I'm out"
are my last words.
472
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:14,672
And I'm killing myself.
473
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,298
- What the hell does
any of that even mean?
474
00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:17,970
- Take it sleazy!
475
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:18,967
thunk!
476
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,641
- Oh, no!
477
00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:24,890
Oh, Adam!
Oh, no!
478
00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:27,939
Why would he-
this is your fault!
479
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,652
You should've put me in charge.
480
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:30,861
- Hey.
481
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,858
It's a dummy,
you blind idiot.
482
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,859
- Wait, what?
483
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,282
both: What you have seen here
was not real.
484
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:42,704
This was a demonstration of what
strange turns life can take
485
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,042
when the powers-that-be...
486
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,877
- Make dumb decisions...
- Make stupid decis-
487
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,371
Dumb decision?
488
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,294
- Stupid decisions.
- Stupid decisions.
489
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:54,341
both: So put your fears aside,
for Adam is alive.
490
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:57,472
- Hey.
491
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,842
- I just-I just wanted them
to listen to me,
492
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:02,264
so I told them
about the terminations.
493
00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:05,730
- I get those emails
all the time from Corporate
494
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,394
when they're trying
to trim the fat,
495
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,736
and everyone has been
on that list, even you.
496
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,606
But you know what?
I never follow through with it.
497
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:14,777
Do you want to know why?
498
00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:15,899
- Yeah, I want to know why.
499
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,947
- Because emails
don't run this office.
500
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:19,286
I do.
501
00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:22,281
- You're the best in the biz,
and I love ya.
502
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:26,376
- But going through
your boss' shit...
503
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:28,166
ya don't do that.
504
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:32,416
That's kind of a law that exists
here on Earth with us humans.
505
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,714
So I'm sorry, but you're gonna
have to clean out your desk.
506
00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,256
- What?
507
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:40,554
I'm fired because
of some stupid Earth law?
508
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:42,017
thunk!
Ohh!
509
00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:43,885
♪ Superman ♪
510
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,899
- This just isn't right,
you know.
511
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,108
- Jillian can't be fired.
512
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:54,196
That's, like, egregious
or something.
513
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:55,564
That's an American word, right?
514
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:56,736
Egregious.
515
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:58,153
- I don't know, actually.
That's-
516
00:17:58,286 --> 00:18:00,494
- I just think
it might be German, egregious.
517
00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:02,988
- [sighs] It's like we're losing
one of the team here, man.
518
00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:06,288
- I know; she's like
our Air Bud: Golden Receiver.
519
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,955
- I was thinking more
of our Rudy.
520
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,953
- Hey, Alice.
521
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,081
- [coughs]
522
00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:13,627
- I guess this is it.
523
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:15,796
I got all my stuff, so...
524
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:19,262
- Okay, well, I'm sorry
it had to end this way.
525
00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,604
No. No.
526
00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:29,473
Okay, look,
she is fired, okay?
527
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:32,522
There is nothing you can say
or do about it.
528
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:35,191
Please don't do any more stuff.
529
00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:38,862
- Alice, we know Jillian suffers
from a ton of quirks,
530
00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:40,450
but this is the U.S.A.
531
00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:44,117
"Characters welcome"
is our country's motto.
532
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:46,331
- Yes, she's a horrible leader.
- Yeah.
533
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:47,825
- She's the worst
we've all ever seen.
534
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:48,996
- Horrible.
535
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,335
- You should've
left me in charge.
536
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,499
That said,
537
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,668
she means a whole heck of a lot
to this company.
538
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,587
- So if you fire her,
you fire us.
539
00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:58,460
- Okay, you know what, Anders?
540
00:18:58,596 --> 00:19:00,883
You're supposed to be
the responsible one here.
541
00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:02,631
Okay, why don't
you act like it?
542
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,850
- I believe that I am.
543
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:08,846
[poignant music]
544
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:12,270
♪♪
545
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:15,235
- I believe that I am.
546
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:19,482
♪♪
547
00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:21,028
- Let's go, come on.
- Come on, let's go.
548
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,119
- Hey, great.
Good game, good game.
549
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:25,657
Stayin' out of drugs.
550
00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:28,828
Hey, thank you.
551
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:29,995
- Unbelievable.
552
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,213
You're gonna eat this later.
553
00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:44,431
♪♪
554
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:47,426
- Thank you.
555
00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:48,802
- Doing big things.
556
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:51,681
- That's awesome.
That's great.
557
00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:53,728
- Thank you.
Thanks.
558
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,566
- Fine.
you know what?
559
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,812
If you want her,
you can have her.
560
00:19:57,947 --> 00:20:00,485
All right, I don't have time
to train a new person anyway.
561
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:02,482
- Yes! Yes!
562
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:03,483
Fuck, yeah!
563
00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:04,484
Fuck, yes!
564
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:05,906
Fuck, yeah!
565
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,119
Heck, yeah.
566
00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:09,410
- Just get the hell
out of my office now.
567
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:10,407
- All right.
568
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:11,659
- Hey, why don't we-
569
00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:13,285
why don't we go take
that group photo now?
570
00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:14,332
- All right.
571
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,295
- Okay.
- Let's do it.
572
00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:17,881
- You said we were
turning in the onesies
573
00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:19,089
'cause the photo was cancelled.
574
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,174
You lied to us.
575
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:21,167
- Shh!
Bill, shut up.
576
00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:22,965
Stop.
577
00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:25,430
- Hey, Alice,
578
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,801
I promise next time,
I'm your gal.
579
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:30,222
You can count on me.
580
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,147
- Your armpits are a disaster.
581
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:37,643
Go switch tops,
and then get me a cup of coffee
582
00:20:37,778 --> 00:20:39,019
and a neti pot.
583
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:41,779
- I'm not some coffee wench.
584
00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:42,988
I'm a businesswoman.
585
00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:45,575
A force to be reckoned with.
586
00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:46,819
Oh.
587
00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:47,865
Oh, God.
588
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,078
Oh, my God!
589
00:20:49,206 --> 00:20:50,447
- Is Sigourney done
with her bath?
590
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,246
She's got a big picture to take.
591
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:56,620
[sniffs]
Oh, man, she's smells so good.
592
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:57,621
- Oh, my God.
593
00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,248
It smells terrible, Blake.
594
00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:01,249
- Nice.
595
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,377
[dog snorting,
noisemaker toots]
596
00:21:04,377 --> 00:21:06,377
Retail subrip by jeem.
41382
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