All language subtitles for Workaholics.S02E03.1080p.BluRay.x264-YELLOWBiRD

- Come on!
- Turn it on, brotha.

- I'm trying, brother.

- Let's go!

Panini are gettin' cold,
brother.

- It won't work, brother.

- Then how are we gonna watch

Monday Night Raw,
brother?

- Yeah.

Whoa, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Relax, brother!

- Wrestlemania 28 is-
is happening in 72 hours.

We're hosting it.

- We're known for this party.

- And we have a pack
of giant dudes comin' over.

John Paul's dad
is coming over.

- I'm just saying that
maybe we don't need a TV.

We've got an entire wall
of entertainment.

[heavy metal music]

[all screaming]

- Ahh!
[fireworks popping]

all: Ah!

- Hi-ya!
- Hi-ya!

[all shouting]

- Oh, ho, yeah!
- Yes!

- I wanna do a book grenade.

- Do it, bub.

- Light it. Light it.
- This is fun.

- Light it up.
- Now we're cookin'.

- All right, that one.
- Let's do it, man.

- Oh, dude,
your hair's on fire!

- What?
- Your hair!

[all yelling]

- [screams]

I'm okay!

- That was awesome!
- We have to get a TV.

- Yes, TV, definitely.

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- Okay, everyone,
eyes up here.

Jet Set, could you take
the headphones off, please?

- They're not on.

- Okay, great.

So, uh, we have
a very special treat today.

It seems the folks at Frostwell
have decided

that the first person
to sell 20 units is going to get

a brand-new, top-of-the-line
Glacier refrigerator.

- What?

- So if you make a sale,

just come on down
and ring the Frostwell bell.

[bell clangs]

- Well, there goes our nap time.
- Yeah.

- Jillian.

- Ah.

- Why is there
a refrigerator in here?

- Guys.
- TV.

- Jet set, just-

- Wrestlemania.

- Good luck, chumps.

I'm takin' my life
to the next level.

Gonna get that garage fridge.

- That's a living room
television.

- Garage fridge.

Strictly venison.
All deer everything.

- We should buy deer.
Where do you buy deer at?

- I hunt, man.

You don't think
black folks can hunt?

I ski, snorkel.

We're takin'
this whole shit over.

- Wait. He's black?

- There's no way to tell.

- Okay, guys,
uh, don't forget

to grab your leads
on the way out,

and, oh-

and, uh, I'd like
to introduce you to Naomi.

She's going to be temping
for Al today,

and she actually just moved here
from Australia.

- Hi, everyone.
It's a pleasure to be here.

- [sighs]
Ow!

- I know.

The one day we need to focus,
and she had to temp.

- [Australian accent]
Don't mind me.

I'll just be here
with my breasts and boobs,

being a girl
as hard as possible.

Freakin' Austrians,
like, land down under.

- And you know she just dates
the hottest dudes of all time.

- If you don't want to date me,
that's fine.

I get that.

But you're wrong,
and I hate you.

- Let her date the-
the underwear models

and the pro surfers, okay?

I'm sorry
if we're real people.

- We're real.
- So real.

- We're the realest people.

- I know.
- So real.

- I'm sick
of beautiful people

who don't have to work
for their beauty,

when I'm over here,

sweatin' my balls off
for all this beauty.

And you can hardly tell
some days.

- Oh, no.
I'm not wearing underwear.

- Mm.

- What happens
when I pre-jaculate?

- No one is going to pre,
okay?

- I always do.
- Guys! Let's-

Let's just think
of a flaw, right?

She's not perfect.

Yes, she's exactly what
we want to be raped by, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- But does she have the build

to birth me
my Olympic triathlete son?

No, not with those giant cans
and tapered waist.

I'm sorry.
It's just not gonna happen.

- Ders, she has the face
of a god.

If I look directly at her,
I will pre my pants.

- You pre a lot too.

You could fill up
an Otter Pop sleeve.

- [gasps]
Oh!

Oh!

[laughs]
Didn't see you there.

- I-I'm Jillian Belk,
Alice's assistant.

- Oh. Naomi. [laughs]
- Nice to meet you.

I just wanted to say,
I'm so happy

to have someone here
who's my age and just, like,

a regular girl.

- Yeah. No, definitely.

- Because most of these people
are real creeps.

- [whispering]
Really?

- Oh, what, you want this?
You want some of this?

No, Waymond.
It's not a Warren G music video.

- Hey, little dude, what's up?
Is your mom home?

[sultry music]

Why aren't you at school?

Suspended? Cool.

- No, sir,
you're gonna love this...boob.

Uh, refrigerator.

It's pretty boob.

- Look, I'm calling to-

uh, we got refrigerators
that we're selling.

Do you want one?

- Only a 4-inch blade?

And she grounded you too?

Oh, that is dumb.

Uh, you know what?
I got to go, man.

Sorry about your dumb mom.

Uh, knives rule!

- Hey, um, sorry
to bother you guys.

- Oh. [chuckles]
Not a problem. What's up?

- Is there a coat rack
around here?

- Yeah, it's called
the back of your chair.

[all laugh]

- Yeah, this ain't
the Four Seasons,

so, you know, get real.

Act real.
Why aren't you real?

- Yeah. Fo' sure.
[chuckles]

[nervous laughter]

- Oh, my God.

- So how are you guys
going with sales?

I just got my first one.

- Wow!

I'll call CNN,

tell Anderson Cooper
about it,

and he'll probably, like,
break the story.

[all laugh]

- Anderson Cooper.
Break the story.

- No, but seriously,

how sweet
is that new fridge?

It would go perfect
in my new flat.

- Oh, yeah, well, you know,
not all of us get what we want.

Some of us have to work
super hard for it,

like, you know,

like real people-
uh, we're real, and you're not.

You're like
an a-you're like an angel.

- Yeah.

- Uh, is the sorceress gone?

- No, man, she's here.
She's still here.

- Oh.

- Um, okay, well,
good luck with your sales.

- Well, uh,

I don't need any luck,
'cause I'm 100% skill, so...

It-I-you're-

- Got her.

- What's up, slut?

Oh, my gosh.

You're such a whore.
[laughs]

- Bye. Hey, Jill.
[laughs]

- This is for you.
- Oh!

- Read it. [laughs]
- Uh, okay.

[clears throat]

- Oh, but with your voice.

- Oh.
Okay, uh...

"Will you go to lunch with me?"
[laughs]

- And the...
- Uh...

"Your close friend, Jillian."
- [laughs]

- Well, sure. That sounds great.
- All right.

Uh, do you want to hit up
the Steak and Shake?

- I'm actually a vegetarian.

- What?
How do you not eat meat?

- Well-
- Is...

a question that I get asked
all the time by people,

because I'm also
a vegetarian too.

- Oh.
- As well.

So do you want to get
a table for two

at the International
House of Salads?

- Okay.
- Later, hooker.

- Okay.
[both laugh]

- Hey, guys.
- The boobs are like-

- Hey, I'm sorry,

but you probably
won't be seeing as much of me,

now that I got a new besty,
Naomi.

She's very cool.

And don't
put meats on my desk.

Just for today.
[bell rings]

- Chalk it up, boys.

Five fridges in 40 minutes.

It's a land speed record.

How many y'all got?
- Uh...

- Zero, right now.
- Yeah.

- I mean,
how do you even concentrate

with that sex demon Naomi
walkin' around,

smellin' all delicious?

- Because I love my wife.

Can't no strange come between
what I got in this bedroom.

You understand?

Colleen got that
stingray coochie.

Do you feel me, Ders?

- Never do.

- You need some love,

'cause it will sustain y'all.

- We are T-minus 61 hours
until Wrestlemania.

- Guys,
maybe we should just go find

a cheap TV on Craigslist.

- What a quitter.

There's a free TV out there,
just waiting to be won.

- You don't think I know that?
I'm just trying to focus.

- Ugh, me too.

It's kind of hard to focus,

especially since I got
one of those fifth grade boners,

where your dick
hasn't fully grown yet,

and all the blood's
rushin' into it,

and it gets super hard.

Remember those?

- Does this look weird?
- What?

- Yes!

I'm, uh, tuckin'
my boner up.

- Oh, yeah, no,
I've been tucked up since jump.

Actually the metal in my belt's
pokin' it a little bit.

It hurts.
- Guys, what is the plan?

- Obviously, we're just gonna
go in the bathroom, masturbate,

maybe once, maybe twice,
who knows?

Try to get everything out.

Come back out here,
get on the phones,

and be sales monsters.

- You're gonna crank down
here at the office?

You think
that's a smart idea?

- People take smoke breaks
all the time.

- Yeah, so we'll
take a stroke break.

- You can get fired
for this.

- Well, if it makes you
feel better,

we'll ask Alice first.

- That's a worse idea

than just doing it
by its own!

- You're being a child,
and that's weird,

because you're one of
the oldest people I know.

Blake, shall we?

- You're doing it now?
Okay.

This I got to see.

- Alice,

Ders wants to know if he can
masturbate in the office.

- ♪ You gotta,
gotta be fresh ♪

- ♪ He's insane, ah ♪

- Holmvic, get in here.

- Mm.

- Let me guess.
She said no?

Told you guys.
It was stupid to ask. I'm sorry.

- Okay, so this isn't a joke?

- Oh, no, they're serious.

We've been talking about it
all day.

- Anders, I never thought

I would actually
have to say this to you,

but you're not allowed
to masturbate at work.

- Sorry, dude, we tried.
Really hard.

- Wait, no, no. Me? No.

Them.
They want to masturbate. I-

- Oh, what,
so you don't want to crank it?

- No, of course,
I'd love to,

but I'm not gonna ask her.

- Oh, so you're gonna do it
without asking?

Were you raised in a barn,
Anders?

- No one is masturbating
anywhere in the office!

Now get out!

- I think that went great.
- What?

- Yeah, you heard what she said.
No masturbating in the office.

Skoo!

- [grunts]
Oh, this is fun.

[unzips pants]
It reminds me of, like,

when you were a kid
and you'd masturbate

in the car
on the way to church.

Did you guys use to do that?

- Guys, can we just
make this quick?

I'm pretty sure
we can go to jail for this.

- Ders, can you make
some sounds, dude?

I can't really masturbate
when it's too quiet.

- I'm not making sounds for you.
- Oh, that's perfect. Thank you.

- Stop-shh!
- Oh! That's even better.

I love it
when they shush me.

Oh!
- Oh, sorry.

- Get out of my crank zone!

- Sorry, dude, I just have
a seat belt buckle up my ass.

- This sucks. We don't have
any porno or anything.

I have literally
no sexual memories.

I haven't had sex
with many girls, truthfully.

But I know who has
some perfect moobs!

- Come on!
- Let me feel those nips!

- Get off me! Stop it!
Get off my titties!

- Let me feel those nips!
- Get back in your zone, dude.

My penis is right here.

- My zone sucks!
Your zones are so much fun.

You got, like, a steering wheel
to hold on to, extra grip.

You got all that room
back there.

Can I come in your zone,
Blake?

- Uh, well,

nobody's comin'
in my zone, muchacho, heh.

- [groans]

I'm not used to sitting up
and masturbating.

I'm just punching myself
in the nuts.

Are you guys havin' that?
I have really big balls, though.

So no big deal.

Ders, what's goin' on, buddy?

Pretty quiet over there.

You wanna borrow
some of my lube?

- Wait a minute.
You've got lube?

- Yeah.
- Pass it back here.

- Well, it's not lube,
necessarily.

- Guys.
- It's car wax.

But it's really puttin'
a nice shimmer.

It's-it's gleaming right now.

I want to show this off.
I want to take-

- You're grossing me out.
Please go dry.

- You're a dry guy?

Wow, that makes so much sense.

Little known fact:

most serial killers
were dry guys.

I recently read a book on-
on the subject-

It was a blog,
but I read it.

- That's not true.
I'm a dry guy.

There's a lot of normal guys
out there that are dry guys.

- No.
No, creeps are dry guys.

- No, normal people are.
- Fred Durst is a dry guy.

That was also
part of the blog.

- Besides the point,
I don't think it should be

some grand ritual
where you're gettin' lubes

and lighting candles.

It should just be-
- No candles.

- A spontaneous treat.
- Oh!

Oh, my God, ah!
It's burning my dick.

I think I got some
in my pee hole.

- Rawr.
- Oof! Whoo!

- Oh, I'm going to be
the first one!

- Oh.
- Oh, I'm gonna win.

Ho-o-oly moly!

- Oh!
- [yells]

[all screaming]

- That did not work out.
- Come on.

[bell clanging]

- Oh!
This one goes to 11, bitches!

If anybody think they can
sell better than Monteezy,

be my Christopher Guest.

Waymy, come get this bell.

[grunts]
- All right. Great job, dude.

- Wow, I hate him. Really!
- Okay, uh...

This has to stop.
How many sales do we have?

- Uh, nearing zero.
- We've got...yeah, none.

- Oh, here-here she comes.
Here she comes, of course.

Tuck 'em up. Tuck 'em up.
- Tuck 'em up.

- Tuck 'em up.
- Tuck 'em-ow.

- How are you, chief?
both: hey.

- Hi, guys.

- Oh, my God.
- Are you okay-

Ho-o-oly butt cheeks!
- Are you all right?

Those are her-
- That's a butt.

- Do you need help?
- I'm sorry.

- That's a-
- That looks like it.

Oh, you got it. You got it.
Help her.

- That was-
- Boys!

This babe has to bounce.

- ♪ She do what? ♪

- Guy's, let's just talk to her.

- Thanks for lunch, Gil.

- Yeah.
Enjoy the spring rolls.

- We'll talk
about everything later.

- What's up?

- What's up?
- Yo.

- Who's that dude?

- Oh, uh,
that's my boyfriend.

Well, actually...

I don't really know
at the moment.

[clears throat]

- You're kidding, right?
That's your boyfriend, that guy?

- Is or was.

We actually
might be breaking up.

- But you dated that dude?
That regular-ass dude?

What?
He's, like, a five.

- What's that guy's story?

Does he do your hair?

He's a gay dude
doin' your hair, huh?

Right?

Oh, my gosh!
He's packin' heat, huh?

- Yeah, for sure.
- Yup, yeah, big one.

- Tell me when to stop.
- He's got a huge one? Huge one?

- He works at BevMo.

- [laughing]
He's a BevMo dude?

Like, check-out or stock?

'Cause if he's stock,
I know he can lift.

- Well, he seems like
a sweetheart.

He seemed-
and also stout.

- Uh-huh.
- And that's important.

I'm pretty stout as well.
- Hope you guys patch it.

- Hang on just a second.
- Let's just-

- Oh, my gosh,
she dates losers.

That means we have a chance.

- She's so ours. She's so ours.
- Let's get her.

- Hey, Nay-Nay.
Are you ready for lunch?

- Oh.

Gil surprised me and brought me
veggie spring rolls.

I'm so sorry.
- Oh.

No, that's-
no, that's fine.

That's okay.

Um, I was gonna give this
to you at lunch,

during the second course,
but let's just open it now.

- Thank you.
- No, go for it.

It's crappy wrapping,
so just go for it.

[laughs]
Surprise!

You had no idea
that I was watching you,

and you just looked so peaceful,
so I just snapped a pic.

- Thank you. It's-
- You like it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, fuck yeah!

Yes! Whoo!

[both laugh]

- Thank you.
- But we should get one of me.

Yeah?
- Sure. We could do that.

- Okay, cool. That's awesome.
- Okay. Okay.

- Did you know
that in Africa,

they believe that a picture
captures the soul?

- Holy! Moly!
- Oh! [laughs]

- If she dates
that regular-ass dude,

then you know she's totally
down to DTF all of us.

- Hey, may the best
regular-ass dude win, huh?

- Wait a sec.
- How do I look?

- That's not gonna work.
We're gonna get backstabby.

It's gonna ruin it
for everyone.

- He's right.

Hey! I got it!

Let's win that refrigerator
for her.

Yeah, she's been
talkin' about it all day.

We'll give it to her,

and she'll have no choice
but to date one of us.

- Women do love electronics.

- That is 100% true.

My dad gave my mom a car charger
for her 40th birthday,

and she was just blowin' him
seven days straight.

Demamp power grunt,
like, whoa,

comin' through the walls, just-
[grunts violently]

Oh! Oh! Ohh!

- Imagine what we'd get
for a refrigerator.

- Standing cartwheel 69s.

[The Disciplines'
Yours for the Taking]

- ♪ Under different
circumstances ♪

♪ We'd probably be friends ♪

♪ Girl, I've known you now
for a long, long time ♪

[bell clanging]

♪ How much longer you need
to make up your mind ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm ready to ♪

♪ Crack the whip
for you now ♪

[bell clanging]
♪ Put my heart and soul in it ♪

[bell clanging]
♪ Crash and burn for you now ♪

♪ Don't you know
I'm yours for the takin' ♪

♪ Baby,
I'm yours for the takin' ♪

♪ I'm yours ♪

- [grunts] Yeah!
- All right, all right.

So Montez has 18.
How many we got?

- Three.

- What? I saw you ring the bell,
like, 100 times.

- Uh, yeah, it's-
it's really fun.

- [groans]

What the hell
is going on, dudes?

Montez is over there
just runnin' train on us,

and it's hurtin' my pride.

- He's just-
he's just a dope salesman.

- He's really good.
He's really talented.

- He's like a machine.

- He's like Charlie Sheen
in that movie.

- Stop.
- What movie was that?

- What the F-word is happening
right now, guys?

- The Chase.

- Okay, look.

Uh, Montez makes a few sales,

and we're ready to crown him
the king-

the hot dog-uh, guy?

No!

I am sick of tired

about hearing
what a great salesman Montez is.

Screw him.

- All right.
- Yes.

- Cool, what's-
so what's the plan?

- Oh, I don't-
I don't know.

Adam?

- Wow, I'm not good with plans.
- Haven't revved up.

- Whoa.
Oh, my God!

What if we gave him
some cold leads?

- Adam, the guy fucks
stingrays.

He'd make the sale.

- Well, not if he was sellin'

to the coldest lead
of them all.

Me.

- Rich, that's what I'm tell-
- Montez, what up, dog?

Your mustache is looking great,

and I just wanted
to let you know

you're-
oh, murdering it.

- Well, I'm a sales juggernaut.

I'm the Lance Armstrong
of this business right now.

- You only have one ball?

- And I'll have you know
something else.

I already had Colleen move
the washer/dryer combo

to make way
for my new deer fridge.

- That's important.
I want a strong wife.

Hey, Alice told me to give
you guys these new leads...

- Ooh.

- And supposedly,
they're the hot shit, so-

- Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
- All right.

- Hey, it's Blake.

Yeah, I talked to you
earlier.

Your mom grounded you
for the knife.

Well, I think that's
bull crap.

Actually, my nickname is Blade.

- Watch and learn,
little chipmunk...

[sighs]

'Cause I'm about
to roast this nut.

- [gruff voice]
Hello.

- Yes, um,
is this Mr. Terry Bollea?

- Oh, you've reached Terry,
brother.

- How you doin' today, sir?

- Well, pretty good,
besides the fact

that my refrigerator
just busted.

- [whispering]
Way-Way, get the bell.

- I have an idea of how
you can get back at your mom.

Do you know where
she keeps her credit cards?

Good.
Get the platinum one.

- Basically, sir, this fridge
is as good as it's gonna get.

- Does it make ice cubes?

- Crushed and whole.

- Can ya keep eggs in it?

- Of course, eggs, meat,
anything you want.

- Jell-O?
- Jell-O, yes.

- Here's the deal,
you're gonna give me

the numbers
on that credit card,

and I promise you,

mama's gonna rue the day
she grounded you

for bringing a knife
to school.

- Juice?
- Yes.

- Apple juice?
- Yeah-huh.

- Carrot juice?
- Oh, my God-yeah, uh-huh.

- What about
my different cheeses, provolone?

- It's happening.
He's doing it!

He's giving me
his parents' credit card number.

[laughing]
I just sold...

20 fridges! 20 fridges!

- You're goin' down, people.
It's going down, people!

- Whoo! Whoo!

- What? He got 20?

Hello? Terry?
Terry?

- How'd those leads work out,

brother?

- Ice cold.
[all shouting]

- Sales beasts! Sales beasts!
- Dude! How could you-

- Yes! Oh, this is our TV.
- Ah. Oh!

- Look at this.
This is a nice TV.

- Wow.

Well, I can't believe this,

but our winner
is Blake Henderson.

[light applause]

- So, yeah.
You guys lost to this guy.

- Congrats on the fridge.
[laughs]

- Yeah, it's pretty cool.

- Yeah. Hey, Naomi.
Uh-

Come on.

So, uh...ahem.

You like refrigerators,
right?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Because we wanted
to give this to you,

as a gift.

- Really? Why?

- Let's be honest here.

You've been throwin' out
crazy sex appeal all day,

and we noticed that you date,
like, weirdly average dudes,

like us

and Gil.

- And we thought maybe you,
uh, liked one of us.

- So who do you choose?

- Choose?

- To be your boyfriend.

[all laugh]

- Hey, gutter slut!

I found this in the trash.

If you didn't
want to be friends,

you could've just
been honest with me.

- [sighs] I didn't throw that
in the trash.

- Well, you threw one thing
in the trash,

our perfect fucking future.

[glass shatters]

- Jill, we don't have a future,

because I don't know you.

I just met you today.

And as for you guys,

clearly,
you're all insane!

God! I hate temping.

- Drama queen.
- Wow.

What a bitch!

Whoo! There we go, baby!

- Oh! He's about to do
the five meter shuffle!

- Oh! And he's pinned!
- Yep!

all: One! Two!
Oh!

- Why did you do that?
- What are you doing?

- Aw!
- What's wrong with you, man?

- Oh, my God, who cares?
Wrestling's fake.

- And my hate for you
is very real.

- Okay, you are going down,
brother!

- Get him!
- Get him!

- Direct hit.
[laughs]

- Nice.

[dog snorting,
noisemaker toots]

Retail subrip by jeem.