All language subtitles for s08e04_-_cant_buy_me_love

Paul, could you pass the salt, please?

Just a second, Christine. I'm not sure
if it's socially apropos.

Oh, no.

Passing salt is fine.

It's gas they have a problem with.

Paul, I think it's sweet that you're
brushing up for the charity banquet.

Well, you know, it is my first formal
party.

It's the only party you've ever been
invited to that didn't have balloon

animals.

Well, Bull, if you want to get involved,
you could always participate in the

bachelor auction.

Oh, come on. You'd really have to be an
egomaniac to do that.

I'm walking to my bio for the bachelor
auction.

They want me to describe myself in 50
words or less.

What would you say is my most
outstanding trait? My true love of the

law? Well, the fact that I can dial the
phone with my tongue.

Dan, I can't believe that some woman's
going to pay big money to go out with

you. Yeah, Dan, isn't it usually the
other way around?

Well, Christine, you're going to miss
one hell of an evening.

What makes you think we're going to miss
it?

Well, I figured with the baby and all.

Roz, Tony and I are going to be there.
We're going to celebrate. It's our first

night out since the baby. Besides, I
feel perfectly secure with a sitter.

You?

Secure?

What, you don't think I'm so nervous
that I couldn't trust a sitter for one

night, do you?

Christine, you had the FBI do a
background check on your pediatrician.

Okay, admittedly, I was a little
neurotic at first, but I've become much

more trusting of strangers.

And who might this stranger be?

Well... My Aunt Claire from Buffalo.

I'm just... flying her in for the night.

I guess there's nothing neurotic about
airlifting a sitter.

So it, uh, sounds like everybody but me
is being invited to the shindig.

Oh, come on, Jack, don't feel bad.

The chief DA is only inviting officers
of the court and very close friends.

Geez, I thought I was pretty intimate
with the guy.

After all, do I not sell him his dental
floss?

Top of the evening to you, mes amis.

Hello, sir. Well, aren't we perky?

I take it you and Margaret spent another
day in bliss?

Oh, you know we did. We spent the whole
day at a Mel Torme film festival.

Mel Torme made movies?

Not just movies, Bull.

Classics. You never heard of Walk Like a
Dragon, Pardon My Rhythm, Higher and

Higher? I've heard all those phrases,
just never in relation to movies.

There appears to be a lull in the
conversation.

Let's see.

Appropriate conversational topics at
dinner include expressing interest in

your dining companions and current
events.

So, Roz, getting any lately?

Gee, Lisette, you know, I've never
really looked at the people in our

gallery before.

Gosh, they're a handsome bunch.

The view must be different from up
there.

Yeah, the world's a pretty wonderful
place, Lisette.

It's your new girlfriend, isn't it?

Ah, you read me like a book.

I've never met a woman like Margaret
before. I mean, she's bright and she's

funny. And she's got the cutest little
mole.

That's pretty personal, sir.

No, is that a mole? You know, those
furry little animals live in a cage?

I just never noticed before how cute
those critters are.

Sir, I think we've spent enough time
smelling the roses for the day. How

about moving on?

Yeah, let's. Who's next on my dance
card, Mac? Fever versus Roxanne

Reynolds.

Ah, Roxy, not again.

Yes, Your Honor, Miss Reynolds continues
to prove that a good man isn't hard to

find.

She was arrested in the public library
for solicitation.

She was merely browsing the shelves,
Your Honor.

Ah, yes.

Miss Reynolds and a fellow bookworm were
discovered in the American Playwrights

section, engaged in a rather...

Unusual second act.

What can I say, Judgey? I'm a pushover
for drama.

She's a pushover for anybody with bus
fare.

Sorry, Rox, it sounds like game, set,
and match.

Speaking of match, sir, I hear that
Cupid has been using you for target

practice.

Yeah, getting a pretty high score, too.

Oh, gosh, what a lucky broad to have
found such a...

Passionate and fair man like you, Your
Honor.

The flattery's nice, but you still pay
the price. $100 fine.

Hey, let's munch a lunch, people.

Here's the camera you wanted, boss.

I gotta run. The guys at the morgue have
some free shoes for me.

Get back here.

The auction program goes to press at
midnight, so if my picture's going to be

in it, you're going to have to take it.

Well, I don't know, boss.

The past few years, my, um, sense of
composition seems to have deserted me.

There's a linch-free Twinkie in it for
you.

Whoa! And suddenly it's back!

Uh, this just in. Your Aunt Claire
called from Buffalo. She's got the flu.

Oh, great.

Oh, Mac, I've been looking forward to
this for a week.

Unless I can get my Aunt Nettie to fly
in from Pawtucket.

Christine, look, look, I'll tell you
what.

Why don't you leave Little Charlie with
me and Kwan Lee? We're experienced

parents, and you don't have to pick us
up at LaGuardia.

Oh, Matt, no, I couldn't. No, it's okay.
We're not going anywhere.

Last time I took Kwan Lee to an auction,
she shooed away a fly, and we ended up

paying $300 for a hog clacker.

What's a hog clacker?

I'd pay another hundred to find that
out.

I don't know.

Christine, look, our house is
childproof.

Draw locks, outlet covers, rubber
silverware.

Any scary clown dolls? He doesn't like
scary clown dolls.

Neither does my little Renee. Now,
Christine, you and Tony just go have

your special night out.

Oh, Max. Oh, thank you so much. I can't
tell you what this means to me. How can

I ever repay you?

Well...

You wouldn't want to buy a hall clacker,
would you?

Okay, um, give me pension.

Uh, give me debonair.

Um, give me eager.

A little less tongue on the eager, boss.

Oh, great.

The camera loves, boss. We're getting
gold here. Fine, fine, fine, Phil. How

many more?

Well, it's up to you, boss.

Tell me when you want me to put in the
film.

Well, looks like somebody spent their
lunch hour shopping.

Yeah, by the time I get all this paid
off, my kid will be collecting Social

Security.

What'd you get?

Ah, new dress, new shoes, new silk
stockings, new... things only husbands

get to see.

I'm a husband?

Yeah.

I'm sure you'll be the best dressed
woman at the auction.

Thank you, Mac.

I'm counting on this night to be really
special.

Yeah, it's not every day you get a
chance to see old Dan Fielding get sold.

Sorry, I'm gonna miss it.

Well, actually, I was talking about Tony
and me.

See, well, we've been having a few
little problems.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, well, I mean, Tony and I never
really had any time to get to know each

other. I mean, between the day we got
married and the day we became parents,

we had all of three hours together.

But they were three great hours.

Yeah, you guys did jump in pretty fast.

Yeah, and the more I get to know Tony,
the more I realize how incredibly

different we are.

Well, Christine, you know, sometimes it
takes work to find that common ground,

but you'll get there.

I hope so.

Oh, yeah. You know, Kwan Lee says, a
good marriage is like a flower.

It looks pretty growing wild in the
field and just as beautiful sitting

alone in a vase.

That's so sweet.

What does it mean?

Beats the hell out of me.

Mel, Mel, Mel.

We've been together for a long time,
guys.

You sitting there watching me work?

Me working there, watching you sit.

You're the best, man.

Your version of mountain greenery? Oh,
it's almost as good as being in love.

Nah.

Mel, meet Margaret.

Good night, Mel.

That's quite a step.

I mean, after all, you've only known
Margaret a few weeks.

Yeah, but things are building up steam.

Still, there is something to be said for
long courtships.

Really? As I recall, you set the land
speed record for going from dating to

parenthood? Well, just because I'm a
record holder doesn't mean I got the

gold medal.

Is there something wrong?

Well, actually, there is something on my
mind.

If you had a minute, maybe I thought we
could... Oh, Christine?

Good. Listen, I hate a woman's opinion.

Unless being a mommy has lost up your
sexual instincts.

No, they're just fine. I still find you
repulsive.

No, Harry, it's okay. Never mind. Forget
it. Nothing.

Well, Harry, I guess you'll have to do.
Which picture do you think I should use

for the auction program?

Well, winsome and delectable are good.

A little too much tongue on eager.

I guess elegance personified is the
winner. Ah, Harry, the girl who buys me

is the winner.

What's this?

Oh, I found a wrinkle in chapter four.

Never borrow anything from friends
without returning it immediately after

use.

Remember that sneezing fit I had in
1983?

I just love a guy in formal wear.

It's like a package just waiting to be
unwrapped.

Well, if I'd known it had that effect on
you, I would have rented one of these a

lot earlier.

Why don't you two just rent a room
before you spontaneously come back?

Tony still not here?

Yeah, he said he was getting off duty at
7. He'd be here by 8.

Maybe you should call him.

Oh, no, it's okay.

He's probably on his way. You know,
Tony's not used to wearing formal

attire. He's probably trying to figure
out what color socks to wear with his

black tuck.

Wow, Bo, that is quite a getup.

Quote, proper attire can transform even
the average man into a man of style and

grace. Unquote.

Where's the chow?

Hi. Dan Fielding.

Number nine on your scorecard.

Number one in your heart.

Save you money. I'm worth it.

Excuse me.

Number nine?

While a formality.

Call me nine.

I've been reading your bio.

Nine. Very impressive.

Attorney, environmentalist, poet?

I think that I shall never see a poem.

Lovely as a tree. A tree whose hungry
mouth is pressed upon the earth's sweet

flowing breath.

You didn't write that.

Oh, but I remembered it, didn't I?

Very impressive.

Ow!

Not bad.

Keep your hands off the merchandise,
Grandma.

Tight little butt and frisky, too.

Go soak your teeth.

Well, I see you've met Mrs.

Bostmuller. Who?

The old butt squeezer you just blew off.

You know her? Yeah.

I used to work for Society Beat for a
while. She's a real mover and shaker.

When she hosted a croquet party, they
gave her Shea Stadium.

She gets what she wants.

And I'd say she wants you.

Gotta go. Bye.

I think he didn't get worried.

Well, maybe he couldn't get off work.

Maybe his car broke down.

Maybe he stuck his head in a tuba to
find out where the sound comes from and

he had to wait until the fire department
arrived to pry him loose.

But that's just a guess.

That happened to you, didn't it?

That's why I was late.

I think I will give him a call.

Ross, can I have a word with you?

As long as it's not Len.

Listen, if an old crone named Fost
Mueller makes a bid on me, I want you to

outbid her.

Stan, you're putting the fix in on a
charity event?

That's unethical.

I'll give you a hundred bucks.

I'm sorry, Dan. I have higher standards.

Two hundred.

Higher standards.

Three hundred.

That ought to ease my conscience.

All right, look. Here's a blank check to
bid with. Be careful how much you spend.

I've only got 800 left in that account.

How will I know the old bag?

I'll signal to you like this.

All right? Try to keep the bidding low.

That should be easy considering the
merchandise.

Any luck?

Well, the good news is Tony's safe.

The bad news is Tony's safe at home.

He won't be joining us this evening.

It seems that the Mets have gone into
extra innings.

is a stockbroker and amateur gourmet
cook.

Ladies, Dennis Rogers.

Gosh, Christine's been gone for more
than half an hour.

I hope she's okay.

I'm gonna go look for her.

75.

Ooh, hey, hot stuff, are you for sale?

Sorry, I have mine on extended lease.

Christine?

You okay?

Is there anything you want to talk
about?

No. I want another drink.

Do I have to? I think you've had enough.
I'll tell you when I've had enough,

Harry. 201.

Another fresca? Neat.

Besides, really, what is there to talk
about? Tony obviously thinks that the

Mets are more important than our
marriage. No big deal.

Up next is a face you'll all recognize,
ladies.

He does the weather at 6 and 11 on
Channel 3.

He's New York's own mass of high
pressure, Dr.

Bob.

You know, Christine, it is just one
night.

Oh, I know, I know. One insignificant
night that was very important to me.

But if Tony doesn't want to be here,
fine.

We'll just have fun on our own.

Won't we, Roz?

Uh-huh.

Wow, I bid $800.

Roz,

I had no idea that you were so
charitable.

Well, we each have to do our part,
Harry. And I believe charity begins at

home.

Whether, man, you're going to experience
a storm front tonight, you'll never

forget.

At least someone's happy.

Our next bachelor is an assistant
district attorney who calls himself a

man for all seasons and all reasons.

Ladies, Mr. Dan Fielding.

I would just like to say that I... I
fully support the work of this

organization, and I'm proud to partake
in this cause.

Oh, and by the way, I've had an
erogenous zone named after me.

Let the bidding begin.

Do I hear $50?

$75. Yeah.

$76.

No.

$100.

$101.

Ross.

$110.

$111.

$125.

One twenty-six.

Roz!

Roz! She's not here.

She bought Dr.

Bob.

What?

One hundred and fifty.

One hundred and fifty-one. One
seventy-five.

One seventy-six.

This is a nightmare. Not only is she
ancient, she's cheap.

Is it asking too much to give up one
night to make me happy?

Doesn't he know I need a little
attention every once in a while?

$400.

$401.

$420.

$421.

Come on, go for it. She's probably going
to tie me to her walker.

$450.

Yeah.

Why is it that when women tell a man
she's going to meet him halfway, she

ends up meeting him three quarters?

No problem here. She's just had a little
too much fresca.

What are you looking at?

You would do the same thing if your
husband stood you up for...

Mickey Miller.

550.

551.

650.

651.

701.

And two.

Men are so screwed up.

Margaret, when's the last time you
greeted your best friend with, hey, how

you doing?

When's the last time you unbuckled your
pants after a big meal?

Oh, when's the last time you left the
toilet seat up? You said it, sister.

702, going once.

Please.

Men have to unwind after a long day at
work. Well, you know what? Women have

long days at work, too, and all they get
to unwind is the vacuum cord.

Christine, settle down.

Let it go, Harriet. We deserve better
than that.

702, going twice.

went well?

Let's just say that last night the
barometric pressure hit an all-time

high.

Can I sit down?

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I in the woman's part
of the cafeteria?

Harry, I was upset last night. I'm
sorry. I let things get a little out of

hand. Yeah, I'd say leaving the room in
a chorus of I am woman was a little over

the top.

Christine, if you're having problems
with Tony, that's nothing to be

embarrassed about.

I'm sure you two are going to work out
everything.

Well, we're trying, but we don't seem to
get anywhere. It's so frustrating.

Well, I'm here if you need someone to
talk to.

Thank you, Harry.

But I guess Tony's the one I need to
talk to.

Worth my 800 bucks, traitor.

There's more than 800 here.

Dr. Bob made a matching donation.

The man gives till it hurts.

And how was your evening, Dan?

Do you have any idea what it's like to
be out in public with a woman who looks

like Eleanor Roosevelt?

I had no idea someone with osteoporosis
could run that fast.

Want to hear the worst part?

I liked it.