All language subtitles for Suzie.Gold.2004.LiMiTED.DVDRip.XviD-DoNE (1500)

Everybody ready now?
Let's have a nice big smile.

It's not every day
you get married.

No, that's not me.

Do you think I'd marry a nebekh
like Richard Levine?

I'm the one on the left
disguised as a dessert.

It's my younger sister,
Sophie's wedding.

But for my parents,
Barbara and Irving...

it's is less to do with the joining
of man and woman in matrimony...

and more to do with, well,
napkin rings.

My brother, Toby, straight out of
the Hampstead Garden Suburb.

And my best friend Debbie,
the groom's sister.

So I suppose we're
family now.

Most people think she's a nightmare
but I think she's funny.

Her dad, Tony,
he's a small man.

But, the bouffant wig and
Cuban heels...

give him a bit of help in both
directions.

Her mum's called Hope and
to be honest...

she could do with some.

This is my world. A world
where everyone can be defined...

by which table they're on
at a wedding.

The inner tables are for close
family friends.

Honest and loyal.

Son of theirs, he's a good-for-nothing
who thinks he's a shvartze.

This sauce doesn't taste kosher.

That's Leo, he's a devout
hypocrite.

In Marbella, where nobody's
watching, he'll eat a whole pig.

Suddenly here he's
the big rabbi.

Out on the edges,
the 'C' list guests.

The people with non-Jewish
partners: the 'married out' table.

This is what he bought me
for Hanukah.

-Chanukah, darling. Say 'Chanukah'.
-That's what I said, 'Hanukah'.

Which upsets the family nearly as
much as turning religious.

The food at the wedding is kosher,
but not kosher enough for them.

Back in the thick of the action,
these are the young eligibles.

Also known as the 'Please-God-By-
You' table.

Although, for Miriam Jacobs...

it might take more than
divine intervention.

And that's Anthony,
the caterer's son.

Fabulously wealthy and
totally gorgeous.

A girl would have to be crazy
not to fall for a guy like that.

Well I suppose I better start at
the beginning.

My sister had just announced her
engagement...

which meant I was going to be
left on the shelf forever.

But, that Friday night,
things were looking up.

-Wish me luck.
-You won't need luck, babe.

You see, the Silvers were coming
for dinner...

and rumour had it that Anthony
was back in town.

-Hola, Marta.
-Hola, Suzie.

What are you doing? They're gonna
be here in five minutes.

-I'm here now. What are you making?
-What am I making?

Chopped liver, chicken soup, roast
chicken and chocolate mousse.

-And some fish balls.
-The usual.

Fabulous.

-Why did they complicate them?
-I don't know.

Why can't they just have a button
that says 'Sky Sports'.

That's not Sky Sports.

That's Sky Sports.

You couldn't make me a sandwich,
could you?

Will you turn that fahkafta noise
down!

Get on the floor
With the nigga right chea!

Sing it!

Since he's been on

Get on the floor
With the nigga right chea!

I keep you fellas and bitches
Jumping from the minute I get on.

Taking their shirt off
Showing tattoos, screaming and

hollering and all
Got the gift to come up with it

Put it together. Feel in it...

Get dressed, you idiot.
The guests are about to arrive.

-Good evening.
-Hello, Marta.

-Barbara, how are you?
-Hello, darling.

-Ageing rapidly.
-You look gorg. I love your dress.

-This is so beautiful.
-Do you like it?

Be careful with these...
expensive!

-You're looking well.
-And the hair!

-Shall we go through?
-Course you know where to go.

Hello, Harriet. Go through,
girls are waiting for you.

Anthony's on his way!

-Anthony Silver?
-Yeah, I think so.

Finally the long awaited return of
the legendary Anthony Silver.

He used to fancy me when I was
eight years old...

and I didn't even have
tits then.

Surely now, I'd have him just
where I wanted him.

He looks amazing, doesn't he?

Is he deaf?

No, young people today, they've
always got something in the ears.

-Is he looking at me?
-No.

Well, if he looks at me, tell me,
okay?

Sophie, like you, is very light
whereas my Suzie...

has to wear a
tampon and a pad!

He's looking at you.

Well, better to be safe than
sorry.

Shall we go through to dinner?

Hello.

-Hello, how are you?
-Hello, Harriet.

-Hi, how are...
-Yeah, pretty good. Really good.

-I brought you a little something.
-That's lovely. Thank you.

It's good to see you, Suzie.
You look great.

Something smells good.
Shall we eat?

-Sit, sit, sit.
-Do you want a little help?

No, I'm fine, honestly.

Can you take the lid off that one
for me? Good girl.

-So, what's she having done?
-Her eyes done definitely.

Fantastic deal. You go to South
Africa you get the safari free.

I had a good week, I got so much
aggravation.

Remember that property in
Notting Hill?

Yo, bitch, pass the cholah.

What have I told you about that
language?

All right, chill it, ho.

Get out. Get out, now!

Get to your room, now!

I have had it with you!
Just get out of my sight, go on!

You revolting, disgusting, filthy
pig, animal, pig!

When I came from Poland I learned
in England to say Shabbat.

He gets this from this, Ali boy.

-Ali G, mum.
-Jewish boy, from round the corner.

Their son's earning a fortune,
mine talking like a degenerate.

You know who else I read was
Jewish? Gwyneth Paltrow.

-She doesn't look very Jewish.
-Jewish.

-Who's she?
-She's a film star.

-Paltrow's a Jewish name?
-Well, maybe it was Palwin.

Who knows with these actors?
They make it up as they go along.

Doris Day. You think she
was born a Day?

-Charlton Heston's also a Jew.
-Not Charlton Heston.

Kirk Douglas.

Exactly. What Jewish mother's
gonna call her boy Kirk?

They're ashamed, these people.
He was probably born Kichel.

What about his son, Michael? He
marries a Welsh shiksa

-He's got a son called Dylan.
-Dylan Thomas is Jewish?

I read in the Jewish Chronicle that
three out of four young people...

-marry out now.
-Terrible. I blame the parents.

It's one thing marrying out, but
it's the children I feel sorry for.

They don't know who they are or
where they're going.

It never works. There's no common
ground. Oil and water don't mix.

But what happens if you fall
in love?

When you fall out of love they're
the first to call you 'Jew'.

Oh, I don't think every non Jew's
anti-Semitic.

Egg and onion.

Babe, drink some wine.
And what makes you so clever?

My family didn't go to the
gas chambers...

just so you could decide to
throw away your heritage.

And what happens when everyone
marries out?

And then there's no Jews left.

And then Hitler's won.

Excuse me.

Are you happy now?

What did I do?

We just found out Danny's going
with a non-Jewish girl.

And, it looks serious.
We don't know what to do.

Leo. That's terrible.

Okay, that's enough.

What is all this talk? It's Friday
night and we're all here.

That's what matters.

Anyway, who needs
Catherine Zeta-Jones...

when there's beautiful Jewish girls
like this to choose from?

Catherine Zeta-Jones I could
make an exception for.

For a tuchus like that the Chief
Rabbi could make an exception.

Anthony's perfect.

With Mr Perfect back
on the scene...

it seemed like the right time
to begin my fabulous new career.

Suzie Gold.

-Have a nice day.
-Thank you.

A job in TV seemed like a good
chance to express myself...

and grow as a person.

Okay, we got the cancer couple
at 7h45, the band at 7h50...

into the news... what have
we got for the eight-ten?

Well, there was that earthquake
in China last night.

China?

Where the fuck is China?
Does Betty from Norwich give a...

flying fuck about Hong Kong
Phooey from China?

Sorry, Ying.
I mean, really?!

It's just I read on the wires
there's eight thousand dead...

and half a million homeless.

Don't give me the eight thousand
dead shite!

If one of them was Prince fucking
Philip, then I'd be interested!

Listen we'll do cancer at seven
forty-five...

and after the news we'll do the
psychic who speaks to Elvis, okay?

Who are you anyway?

I'm the new... runner.

Go and do some fucking running
and get me a coffee or something!

Is that for the boss?
No milk...

he'll go mental if it's got
milk in it.

Thanks.

You're not gonna believe this.
They're making me do it in pink!

We specifically said that Breakfast
TV would be in leather ...

and the kids' show would be
in pink, right?

Excuse me, what's this? I asked
for black decaf with no sugar.

-You said with milk.
-Do you know who I am?

No.

When I need cheering up,
I visit nana.

She's not an easy person to leave,
even if you're just the gas man.

And she's got some strange habits.

Like talking to her husband who
died a few years ago.

She also keeps her money in her
underpants.

At least it keeps the muggers
away.

You've hardly had anything.
A big boy like you.

I can wrap it in a little foil
for you.

That's really sweet of you, but...

I've got to get back to work,
madam.

Sadie, let the boy go.

His family will have sent out a
search party.

-He's been here since Tuesday!
-You keep out, mind your business.

Oh, no, madam, no, no.

Here's a little something
for your trouble.

-Hi, nana.
-Bubbela!

Do you think Nick would have
made a good husband for me?

Nick? Stanley's boy Nick?

How old is he?

He's hardly been wiping his own
tuchus and she's talking marriage!

-He's twenty-five!
-And his business?

He couldn't provide for a cockroach
never mind for my princess.

Drink your soup,
it's getting cold.

His father's got a dry cleaning
business and drives a Jaguar

So marry his father.

He knows the cost of everything
and the value of nothing.

-Do you want a kneidl?
-I'm fine, nana.

What about Anthony? You've
got to admit he's a good catch.

I can't see any reason not
to marry him.

You need a reason to get married,
not a reason not to.

What about your ambitions?
You've got a degree.

Why don't you do something
with it?

A degree in Art History
is not a career.

A degree's a degree!

When I was your age...

a woman had a
degree in gornicht.

Now, life is...

full of opportunities.

Don't throw them away.

-More soup?
-No, thanks.

But Sophie never worked.
She just wanted a husband.

Bubbela, a husband is work.

Sophie will find that out soon
enough.

But you've plenty of time.
You'll be fine.

-Here, have a piece of cake.
-Thanks, nana.

It's all right, darling.
Just...

wear some more clothes
next time.

If you show the merchandise before
the price is agreed...

you'll never make a deal.

Okay, so I wasn't going to rush
into marriage

but when I finally got the call
from Anthony Silver.

I mean, he was every Jewish girl's
dream.

So I needed a new outfit.

-Loving the outfit.
-Debbie...

it's what's inside that counts.

-See?
-Nice.

And a quick visit to the only men
in the world...

who really know how to
satisfy women.

Howard and Ashley Marks. A father
and son team, both straight.

For God's sake, Ashley, get rid of
that frizz!

Would have made great gays.

And after a hard week's work...

I was desperate for a blow dry.

Which was maybe kind of wasted.

When I found out Anthony was
taking me to...

'Jews on Ice'.

So, we're thinking about a dill
sauce for the salmon...

maybe with a gooseberry coulis
for the dessert.

I think that sounds fine.

-You don't think it's too heavy?
-Well, that's for Sophie to decide.

What, you don't care what you eat
at your sister's wedding?

It's still a few months away.
I mean...

I care. I care that my
sister's happy.

That's why it's crucial that these 2
sauces complement each other.

You know the Bergmans?
No, you don't.

I went to their wedding,
they got some amateurs in.

Did this horrible honey and
mustard thing with the salmon.

And this heavy chocolate thing
to follow.

Yeah, that's Miriam.

Anyway, everyone was sick before
the dancing even started.

Hold on.

Hello, Anthony Silver. Silver and
Sons Silver Service.

Yeah, you?

And to what do I owe
this pleasure?

Well?

Well what?

Well, how was it?

It was okay.

Well at least show a bit of
enthusiasm.

You're never gonna get him to
like that, look at you.

You look like you've sat on
something sharp.

You know, a little smile
wouldn't kill you.

Mum, leave me alone.

And maybe a haircut.
I think you need a haircut.

Something to make you look
a bit thinner.

So Ben's saying to
me 'let's give it some time.'

First of all, what time? I'm now
twenty-three. Time is running out.

My tits will be on the floor, out
of the window down on the Street...

-into the bagel shop.
-What are you in such a rush for?

Very easy for you, with a ring
on your finger.

My point being is that I am a Leo
and he is a shitty little Pisces.

-I'm a Pisces.
-I'm a Pisces!

I bought all these bagels from
Carmeli's and nobody's eating.

-I'm having a Pride and Prejudice.
-Period drama.

So where were you last night?
It was hilarious.

You should have seen what
Lisa Marks turned up in.

-She looked like a fucking sofa.
-Yeah, well, let's face it...

that is the only way she's
gonna get a man to lie on her.

My God, Sarah Rosen, she came in
with some total freak...

who brought her on a
motorbike!

Oh my God, did you see what
the helmet did to her hair?

I don't think he was Jewish.

I wish she would go out with
someone who isn't Jewish.

She did do an art foundation
course.

So... what happened to you?

-Nothing happened to me, I was out.
-Who with?

-Anthony Silver.
-No?!

Now he has got a car.
And a proper job.

And will she talk about it?
Just like my therapist.

You're doing a great in listening.
Now for some talking. Bring it on.

Well, what do you wanna know?
I mean, it's no big deal.

We went out, we ate,
we came home.

-Anthony Silver is so gorgeous.
-It's what's inside that counts.

Right, like his colon is more
important than his car.

If this is a proposal, I'm listening.
Otherwise, fuck off, I'm with girls.

Fuck off.

-I can't believe you did that.
-He calls the whole time...

yet 'he needs his space'.

It's very embarrassing,
I think something...

Something wasn't right.

I mean, your family are supposed
to drive you insane...

but that day I felt it from
my best friends.

Was everyone I knew a lunatic?

I mean, my best friend was about
to slit her wrists...

because some boring fat-arsed
lawyer wouldn't marry her.

And Joanna hadn't eaten a meal
for eighteen months...

because some boring fat-arsed
lawyer did marry her.

And when the only person left to
relate to looked like this...

something had to give.

Now I know a dog is man's
best friend...

but you wouldn't think of taking
him to the pub for a chat.

Unless he's your next guest,
Sally.

Looks like he likes you.

Could you tell him he's not
really my type.

Cats or dogs?

That's a phone-in we should
probably consider.

Maybe next week.
Say, Tuesday.

Thank you.

Fluffy friends or yappy friends?

But here he is the biggest canine
football fan in Britain...

it's...Giggsy.

Please don't let him touch me.

Thank you, Philip,
you're so funny.

Last week's earthquake
in China...

that's a big country a long,
long way from here...

killed over eight thousand
people.

Never mind, because joining me
now from her sell-out tour...

is Suzie Gold!

Don't stop moving
Can you feel the music

Everybody you are so gre...

Hi. I was...

just...tidying up.

That's one unique way of
tidying up.

Sorry, there's something I've been
wanting to do all morning.

-What is that?
-That dog...

Oh, my God, that's so sick.

Thanks.

So, how has your first week gone?

-Yeah, great. I've learnt loads.
-Yeah...

like what Prince Harry has
for breakfast.

Amongst other things.

-Gotta love the show, eh?
-Completely.

Crap stories, crap guests.

Still, some of the staff are
quite nice.

-Nice?
-Yeah, nice.

When I get out of here, you know,
I'm gonna make some proper TV.

-I don't know what I'm gonna do.
-I reckon....

you got a future in singing.

Thanks.

So, we should go and
get a coffee then.

We could work on your routine.

Let's just say if you don't...

I got a tape of a little performance
that could find its way on to show.

Isn't that bribery?

No, it's blackmail.

See you downstairs in ten, yeah?

-What's your name?
-I'm Darren.

-I'm Suzie.
-Yeah, I know.

'Suzie Gold,
straight from her world tour.'

-Sure you're okay?
-Yeah, fine. I love the rain.

Okay, I've got one for you.

Rachel, Monica or Phoebe?

-From 'Friends', yeah?
-Yeah.

Kill Monica, shag Phoebe...

and marry Rachel.

You'd marry the spoilt Jewish
princess?

Yeah, because then I could
shag her every day.

You must know that Jewish girls
don't believe in sex after marriage?

-Thanks.
-You're welcome.

I guess I'll see you at work
tomorrow.

Here, are you gonna join that
golf club in Totteridge?

I don't know. This whole golf
thing sounds like one big schlep.

-It's relaxing.
-Who needs to relax?

I've got enough problems
without being relaxed.

-Exercise is good for you.
-Exercise is not good for you.

No-one ever had a heart attack
reading a book.

Anyway, aren't you too short
for golf?

-Don't start that again.
-What?

I just wondered if you needed
special clubs or something.

Can't I have a shvitz in peace
in my own sauna?

Since Uncle Leo and Uncle Tony
were small...

their friendship has been based
mainly on competition.

Don't.

Whatever Uncle Leo had
Uncle Tony had to have too.

It was just lucky that Leo's wife
was so amenable.

I'm a dirty bitch.
I'm a dirty bitch.

Suzie, this is Darren,
the head researcher.

I want you to work with him
for a couple of hours.

Hi, I'm the runner.

Hi, I'm the head researcher.

-Yeah, Eddie just told me.
-Oh, yeah, sorry.

What's the matter with you retards?
It's not an early learning centre.

Go and do some fucking work.

I had a really nice time
yesterday.

-Nice?
-Yeah. You know, nice.

It's just that...

well, something wasn't
quite right.

That's cool. You don't have
to explain.

-You know, we work together...
-No, No, no. Hang on a minute.

It's just that...

when we said goodbye...

I did this.

And what I really wanted to do
was...

this.

That... was nice.

The next few months were a dream.

It was like I had another world...

to escape to.

-Away from...
-Who calls during breakfast?

-Away from...
-It's all about lip gloss.

Away from...

Turn that rubbish down.
I've got a chicken in the oven!

And especially away from...

You could do a lot worse than
Anthony Silver, let me tell you.

It even made photocopying fun.

And the fact that
it was a secret...

made it all the more fabulous.

But while my world was being
blown apart...

life at the Gold household
carried on regardless.

-Do you want a blow back?
-Fuck off, I ain't no poof.

-He never tidies his room!
-Oh, here we go.

It's gonna be Yom Tov soon and
his room looks like Hiroshima!

I'm not asking you again.
I've told you...

anything on the floor goes!

Right, you want untidy,
I'll give you untidy.

You think this belongs
on the floor?!

Wrong, it's going in the garden.

Bloody crazy woman.

If this is the only way I can see
the floor in my spoilt son's room...

Mum, listen a sec, yeah?

My spoilt son doesn't need
this crap. Fine.

-Out with the crap!
-Not the music. Will you calm down.

Calm down? He's asking me
to calm down. Fine.

This child of mine who is sending
me to a home...

is asking me to calm down.
Right!

Now I'm calm.

You, homeboy.
You see this?

This is calm.

Now I'm so calm I'm on a sun
lounger in Marbella...

Don't throw the mixer out and I'll
come up right now to tidy my room.

-Right now? Right this second?
-Right this second.

Hi, Stephanie... kids, eh!

You are slowly drifting down
the river... that is you.

Your body is totally relaxed...

as your thoughts slip away.

And...

you look around...

and see that you have come
to rest...

on a tranquil, empty beach.

You are totally alone.

Your mind is as empty as
the sky above.

You have let go of your past...

your present...
and your future.

The daily stresses...

and strains of your life have
fallen away like outer layers.

You are naked...

open...and totally relaxed.

Right, quick frappucino's anyone?

Not for me. I've gotta go.
See you later.

-What's up with her, please?
-Who knows with that girl.

Don't think you're gonna get away
with that without being spotted.

I want a full explanation on my
desk first thing in the morning.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

-I don't know how you can do it.
-It's really not that different.

-It's got its pluses as well.
-Such as?

Well, it's full of surprises.

It's not like with a Jewish boy:
you don't just get what you see.

There's an extra layer,
like a mystery you uncover.

Isn't there like loads of cheese
underneath?

No, he's very clean.

I want to pause for one second.
Where is this going with this guy?

What happens if it gets serious?
Your parents will go mental.

My parents are not gonna find out,
and you're not gonna tell anyone.

I've got enough on my plate without
the whole family finding out.

Okay, but when the foreskin
fetish has worn off...

and you're sitting in your Wallis
cardigan in your council flat...

with your six snotty nosed
kids...

waiting for some goyishe fella to
come from the pub and beat you up.

I'll try very hard not to say
'l told you so'.

-Will you visit me?
-Of course not.

Well, a friend in need
is one thing...

a friend in Battersea
is something else.

I knew I could rely on you.

-So lan's the younger one?
-lan's the older one with the baby.

-Chris is the little shrimp.
-No big deal.

If you were meeting my parents we'd
have been rehearsing for weeks.

When am I gonna meet them?

-Hello?
-Hello, mum.

...So I pulled the dog off and
there she was.

Then I noticed that the dog had...

calmed down, and we could
get on with the show.

That old 'humping dog' routine.

-It gets them every time.
-It worked for you, bruv.

I've got no meat in my curry.

It's because there's no meat
in the curry.

-It's called vegetarian food.
-It's Sunday!

Well, I didn't know if Suzie
practised kosher or not.

That's really thoughtful, thanks.

-Have you got brothers or sisters?
-One of each.

My younger sister's
about to get married.

And my younger brother's about
to find out he's not Black.

-Will that come as a shock to him?
-Yeah, big shock.

How does it feel having your
younger sister get married?

Oh, you know well...
maybe you don't.

It all seems a bit more relaxed
round here than at mine.

Yeah, that's why I hang out here.
You should see my family.

I don't know what you mean.

Well, you don't give your kids
grief like my dad, do you?

Yeah, you don't seem to meddle
as much as my parents.

I just think if you hold on to the
ropes too hard in life...

you just end up burning your
hands.

Sometimes you've just got to go
where the wind takes you.

If there was any chance my parents
were into sailing...

they'd definitely be the
'holding-on-to-the-ropes' type.

Even if it meant going straight
into the wind.

You seem pretty together though.

That's all a show to lure young
men into my trap.

Here you are.

This was amazing...

this family actually
communicated with each other.

Like one person talked and the
other people listened.

And no-one over-reacted.

But maybe the best thing was just
being a stranger.

And no assumptions were made about
me because of what my father did...

or what my mother said in the
hairdresser's last week.

You're the Gold girl lovely,
like your mother.

I hope you're looking after
my Darren.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah, she is cool, I'd like to
see more of her.

Thanks, babe.

Did you never try to find
your dad?

No, maybe one day. Who knows?

At the moment I'm happy.

Just doesn't seem important.

If it was me, I think I'd have to
know.

I'm having enough problems
working out who I am...

and that's with parents who
don't stop reminding me.

Suz...

I think you need to stop listening
to your parents so much.

You're twenty-three.

No-one can tell you
who you are any more.

-When are you gonna take me to bed?
-After Newsnight.

What?! Not funny!

Okay, now
right now.

This is Michael's eldest daughter
Simone.

They've got three children,
two boys...

Eighteen great-grandchildren
she's got. I'm green with envy.

You'll have great-grandchildren
one day, Pearl.

-From your mouth to God's ears.
-Can't you get rid of these women?

lf I hear about another
grandchild I will be sick.

-I know, I know.
-Eighty-two she is.

Eighty-two and look at her.
Wonderful.

Wonderful?
-This is wonderful?!

I'd hate to see what 'not
so good' looks like.

Anyway, we, we gotta go, Sadie,
it's getting dark out there.

Thank God for that. I was losing
the will to be dead.

Quiet.
Enough already, Julius.

That'll be my Suzie. She always
comes to see me on a shabbat.

Shabbas!

Thanks for popping in. Come back
when you've got more grand-children.

Suzie, bubbela. Come up.

That was nice of Pearl and
Fay to pop round.

Old women. What do I need with
old women?

So how are you, darling?

What have you been doing?

Oh, you know, seeing the girls,
work...

not much, nana.

-Not much, eh?
-Not much.

Why are you looking so pleased
with yourself these days?

What do you mean?

Suzie look at this face...

this is your nana.

For weeks you've been coming here
like a bar mitzvah boy's mother.

You've got so much happiness.
Can't you share it a little?

Okay, so you don't want to tell
me, that's fine.

I've only known you all your life.

Listened to your sorros, made you
chicken soup.

What do I know anyway? I'm only an
old woman who'll be dead soon.

It's your turn.

What do you wanna know, nana?

Let's start with his name.

His name's...
Darren.

-Darren! Darren who?
-He's not Jewish.

You don't say.
Go on, tattoos?

-A motorbike maybe?
-Actually, there is a motorbike...

no tattoos.
Oh, apart from a very small one...

I don't want to hear about
the tattoos.

Do you love him?

I like him.

A lot I mean... he's different.

And when I'm with him
I'm different as well.

Do you wanna be different?
Why, bubbela? You're gorgeous.

It's complicated.

Life is complicated.

When you put on a red dress...

you feel like a different girl...

than when you put on
navy trousers.

The important thing is how you
feel with no clothes on.

It's your turn.

Kaluke.

You know what they say:
lucky in cards, unlucky in love.

Count them up.

So suddenly life's a wardrobe.

I can relate to that. Some things
don't go with other things.

If Darren's the red dress and
my parents are the navy trousers...

they definitely don't look good
together.

When I'm with Darren, do I always
have to wear the red dress?

What if he saw me in the blue
trousers? Would he still like me?

And does he really know who I am
with no clothes on?

Do I know who I am with
no clothes on?

Nana!

Suzie we're late.
We're gonna miss the sermon.

-We always miss the sermon!
-What are you doing up there?

Deciding who I want to be.

And you, Toby? Ready?

-I'm not going to shul.
-You are going.

I'm not going.
I don't even believe in God.

What's God got to do with it?

-Is David Cohen going to shul?
-Maybe.

-Fine, then you're going.
-But the Levinson boys aren't going.

I don't care about other people's
children. My son is going to shul!

Now stop being clever and...

get dressed before I come up
and dress you myself!

You send me to private school...

but you tell me not to be clever.

Three nights this week you've spent
at Debbie's.

What you have to talk about so much
I'll never know.

It's good for me to get out
of the house.

What's wrong with our house?
It's not good enough for you?

It drives me mad.

You're driving me mad with all
this coming and going.

And will you stop with that
drumming!

He's always drumming, that boy.
It's like a nervous tic.

'Nervous tic', it's a disposition!

A nervous tic is not a
disposition?

Tell Ringo to give it a rest,
will you?

He's going to drum a hole right
through the headrest.

Most Jews I know go to synagogue
twice a year.

It's like being a Madonna fan...

but only having The lmmaculate
Collection.

These two days are basically
about...

repenting for your sins over
the past year.

Repenting for not going to
synagogue all year and...

repenting for driving to
synagogue when you do.

Duck, it's the Frohweins!

Oh, great, great...

are you happy now?

Repenting for having a non
Jewish boyfriend.

And, repenting for coveting
your neighbour's ox.

We're also not allowed to write,
or touch money on New Year.

Which is why our version of the
collection box...

involves sticking a plastic tag
in a hole on the card.

Or someone else's card.

-See, sermon.
-So?

Men and women sit separately
in shul.

This is because during
the service...

it's important not to be distracted
in any way by the opposite sex.

-He loves me. He gave me a rash.
-No, he doesn't.

You should see his cock...

Married women are required
to cover their heads.

It's like Jewish Ascot.

If you want everyone to know you're
married, you wear a massive hat.

And if things aren't going too
well, you play it down.

But if you're not married, there's
no hiding your hatlessness.

My Anthony's not heard back
from your Suzie.

What's wrong with her? I thought
they were meant for each other?

I don't know, she's not been
herself recently. She's become...

rebellious or something. Suddenly
questioning everything.

I've seen it all before. I don't
know how to say this, lrv...

but maybe she's a gay like a
lesbian or something.

She's not a gay. I'd have known
by now.

I do hope you're gonna do some
extra repenting...

for your non-kosher
diet at the moment.

Maybe, what, two days fasting
at Yom Kippur?

And no cheese for a week.

It's a goy.

-You're joking?
-It is!

-Ah, cute.
-I think we're okay.

Yes, check this out.
I quite fancy you here, actually.

Please don't, you're scaring me.

Do you want something to eat?

Whoa, that's not a fridge,
that's an ecosystem.

Here try this.

What are they?

Fish.

You just put horseradish sauce
on a Danish pastry.

No, we haven't got time.

We've just had a sauna...
so, been in the sauna.

Did you sort out the leak because
I couldn't...

Very good of you to come on
a Sunday. Thank you.

No, mum. This is Darren.

A friend from work. He's just
dropping me home.

Shame. Do you know anything
about plumbing?

No, mum.
Anyway, he was just leaving.

Anthony called again, you should
call him back, he's a lovely boy.

Come on, Barbara, we should
get changed.

We'll be late for the Frohweins.

We, you know, need a shower from
the sauna.

Okay, so enjoy and nice to meet
you, Gordon. Goodbye.

Well...

that went quite well.

Gordon?

So the engagement party
is next week, yeah?

Yeah.

And, I suppose, I'll be a 'friend
from work' again?

I don't know, I don't think you'd
like it.

It could be a bit of a nightmare
for you.

Maybe you should go with this
Anthony.

It sounds like that's what
everyone wants.

Sam Silver reckons Suzie's
a lesbian.

Our Suzie? Don't be ridiculous.
Just because...

she doesn't wanna go
out with his gay son.

The man's a cook. He should
know about gay.

Yeah, you're right. She's just
busy with her work right now.

She hasn't got time to waste...

on a guy whose eyes are too
close together.

She works long hours, starts early.
It takes up a lot of her time.

What with work and friends,
she's a busy girl.

So, we hardly see her.
She seems happy.

-She's a good girl.
-Yeah...she's a good girl.

-Nothing to worry about.
-I know.

Nothing to worry about.

What?

It doesn't matter.

It's just, you know, when you look
at me like that, everything...

everything seems to make sense.

There's an exhibition on at the V
and A on Saturday.

Do you want to come with me?

I got tickets for the Chelsea game,
babe.

But, I could always sell them
to a mate.

You'd do that for me?

I love you, Suzie Gold.

I love you too...

Gordon.

I'm sorry about the engagement
party.

Ah, it's okay.
Next time, eh?

Sure.

-How's the pressure, Leo?
-Yeah, it's fine, it's fine.

You all right, Leo?

It's my wife. She wants to know if
I'm hard.

You're a lucky man.

Would be if it was my phone.

I tell you what, those herrings are
playing murder with my kishkes.

-Phone for you.
-Oh, thanks.

It's Joy. She wants to know if
you're hard.

Wait a minute, don't start.
There's nothing going on, man.

I wouldn't do that to you, you're
my pal. There's nothing going...

Get back!

What are you looking at?

No, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I said no leaves. Look, the
pool's full of leaves!

What?

Hungry?

Yeah. Yeah, whatever.

'Yeah. Yeah, whatever.'

Are you all right?

Darren...

what's going on?

Shag, marry or kill.

Me...a nice Jewish boy, or...

well, someone you really want
to kill.

Listen, babe...

we've been seeing
each other for ages now.

I haven't met your friends.

Your parents think I'm their
plumber.

I mean, if you can't accept me as
part of your life, then...

then what are we doing here?

Look, Suze, let's get real for a
minute here.

I'm not Jewish and you...

you're gonna marry the nice
Jewish guy.

What's this marriage thing all
of a sudden?

I dunno. It's not even as if I want
to get married.

Not yet, anyway.

It would just be nice to know I was
in with a chance, that's all.

I don't know.

-I love you, Darren.
-I love you too, Suze.

But it's not that simple, is it?

No.

Well, when you've worked it out
let me know, yeah.

Because until then I can't
do this any more.

-Darling...
-Not now, mum.

What is it?

-It's nana.
-What?

In accordance with Jewish law,
nana was buried the next day.

My father, being next of kin...

went through a series of rituals
that for the 1st time in my life...

felt like they meant something.

He ripped his clothing and stopped
shaving for a month.

We covered the mirrors in our
house.

And there was to be no music
for awhile.

My father had to sit on a low
chair...

for seven days.
A period called 'sitting shiva'.

In that time, he was not to leave
the house.

Mourning is often seen as a time
of quiet contemplation.

Not if you're Jewish.

Friends and family came every night
that week for prayers...

to bring home-made food so that
no-one in the family had to cook.

As it turned out, we didn't have
to cook for a month.

Sadie was a woman who didn't
miss a thing.

In fact, she'd be upset she
couldn't be here today.

She always loved a good shiva.
But, as the midrash says...

even an angel cannot be
in two places at once.

She once told me, she so wished...

that she could see her family
that never made it out of Poland.

Well, Sadie...

now you can.

-I hate this.
-Yeah, it's very hard.

But death is just part of the
whole cycle of life.

Not the death, the queueing.

We've all got to be very strong.
Sorry.

I wish you long life.

-Thank you for coming.
-I wish you a long life.

See the lips? Thin.

I wish you long life.

Thank you, Pearl.

Suzie, I'm so sorry.

-How are you bearing up?
-I'm okay...

thanks for coming.
It's good to see you.

It's good to see you too and l
brought you a little something.

Thanks, that's really sweet.

-Look, if you need anything...
-Thank you.

We've always got a full fridge,
you just need to call.

You'll probably need to get out
of here once the week is up.

Why don't we have dinner
Monday night?

Sure. I'd like that.

Just call me.

Well, it's not been such
a bad day.

-You're a very bad person.
-But you love me anyway.

Since I was a little baby,
she looked after me.

Course she did, dad, she was
your mother.

-She looked after all of us.
-She never left us alone more like.

She was a good woman.

The minute I met you I knew you
were from a good home.

You should have heard
what she said about you.

What?

What did she say about me?

When she first met you?

What did she say when
she first met me?

Nah, it's not for now.
I'll tell you another time.

Other time? You're gonna wait
till I'm dead before you tell me?

It's gonna kill me not knowing.

She wasn't crazy about you at
the beginning.

What did she say?

She said she thought you'd have
a beard when you were older.

She said our marriage wouldn't last
more than six months...

and that you weren't fit to
clean my toilet.

She said you dress like
an old woman.

Every Friday she would throw your
chopped liver in the bin.

And something about the house
not ever being clean.

If you spent as much time in the
house as at the hairdressers...

maybe it wouldn't be so filthy.

She said that to you?

Well, not so much in the last
few years.

She wasn't one for holding back.

You know what she said last week?

Am I gonna like this?

She said I married a jewel.

It's like she knew something.

I don't know where,
she took me aside...

and she told me how proud
she was of me.

And that my wife and family would
always be there for me.

How important that was to her.

And that I married a jewel.

Does anyone want another cup
of tea?

Is there anything to eat
round here?

It's lucky it's a shiva house with
him around.

Darren? Sorry, I thought that...

Suzie, have you met the new
head researcher?

What happened to...
what's-his-name?

Oh, you mean Darren?
The guy you were shagging...

while you were
supposed to be working.

He left last week while
you were away.

You'll be helping Phil
this morning.

Hi!

I hope you show him the same
support.

Going out with Anthony was like
coming home.

So he was a bit conventional,
but...

who needs to ride
rollercoasters in relationships?

He always liked to eat
in the same restaurant.

And then, we got the Board of
Deputy's Hanukkah contract.

He said he liked to know what he
was getting when he ordered.

It is a shame, she's not Jewish,
doesn't even want to convert.

I feel sorry for the guy.

And he would always run into
the right kind of people.

Paul. Very good to see you. Look
at you, Stacey, glowing as usual.

This is my girlfriend, Suzie.

Paul, we're going to miss our
table.

The man's a cock.

And with the wedding just around
the corner...

Here's the happy couple.

he made life easier at home.

With Barbara and Irv, I was like
the prodigal daughter...

who had returned home from my
time in the wilderness.

They're not thin, they're just well
defined.

Who wants lips all over the place?
Fat lips just means you exaggerate.

You've got fat lips.

Yes, I definitely knew where
I was with Anthony.

There was something 'familiar'
about him.

He's the kind of guy...

I could grow to love.

I guess this was life...this was
real.

It wasn't a fantasy.

And one thing about Anthony,
he always tried hard.

And even the girls approved of him.
Which reminds me...

I forgot to call Debbie back.

You what?

She's having a really hard time
with Ben.

Does that mean you're finished
down here?

Oh, yeah, thanks.

I'm really looking forward to
tomorrow.

Me too.

I think I'm a bit nervous for
Sophie.

Maybe I'm more nervous for me
having to wear that dress.

What, are you crazy? You look
beautiful in that dress.

You would say that, you're a
caterer. Pavlova turns you on.

Weddings are beautiful things,
aren't they?

I mean, it's like a merger,
isn't it? Two little companies...

can't achieve much.

But one big one could be a
monopoly.

Never really thought of it like
that.

It's not even furry, there's
nothing cute about salmon!

Look, will you just tell him that
he's having the salmon.

Like I've got nothing better to
worry about...

on the day of my Sophie's
wedding than your son's stomach!

There's no other problems,
everything's going like clockwork.

I'm gonna plan for the last 6 months
so that there can be problems?

Not gonna be any problems.

Okay, hold on a minute.

I knew it, there's problems.

Right. Can you just get off me.
Can you just stop touching me!

Sshh that noise!

I'll call you back, Shirley.

Sam I can't hear problems
right now, okay?

I can only hear that
everything's fine.

I can't hear that, Sam!

Sam, I can't hear you.

You're not even talking, Sam.

Yeah, I've got to go.
My wife's a lunatic.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Sam, it's Irving. Speak to me.

No, my wife's gone. I don't know,
hopefully to a hospital.

Where are they now?

Well, who inflates balloons before
they move them?

-I'm killing myself!
-So get a bigger van.

Well, I don't know. From a van
place. What am l, Hertz?

''No balloons'' is not an option.

I have a wife on the edge.
No balloons and she jumps.

This is your fault.
I'm jumping off the balcony.

Watch me jump off the balcony.

Hang on a second, Sam. What?

You were on balloons.
You're balloon man!

I don't know why I'm up here. It's
you that should be jumping!

I know, we're leaving.

My Sophie, my Sophele.
You look so...

And my little Suzie,
won't be long.

I'm so proud of you both.

To have daughters that
make you so proud.

A man couldn't ask for children as
wonderful as you three.

Where's Toby?
Toby?

-What?
-Come down here.

-I'm in the bath.
-The bath!

-Someone's in the bath?!
-No-one's in the bath.

Stay here and look at
your beautiful daughters.

Look at you.

And look at you.

Ah, you're both perfect.

Perfect.

Toby you are my son.
My only son.

Before you were born, I had two
beautiful daughters.

Who could have asked for more
blessings?

But the Lord, in His ultimate
wisdom...

chose to shower upon this
unworthy man one more gift.

So how you turned into such a
shmock...

I'll never know!

The cars have been waiting outside
for ten minutes!

We're due in synagogue
in half an hour!

Everyone is ready,
the whole family!

But, no, the bride has to wait
for her idiot of a brother.

Mister I'm too good to get dress
to my own sisters wedding.

Mum, I'll sort the balloons out and
I'll meet you at the synagogue.

No, just sort out the balloons and
meet us at the synagogue.

Get in the car, dear...

and we'll be on our way.

Back!

Patent leather shoes!

Hi, Darren. How are you?

-I'm... what do you look like?
-It's a long story.

-I've got time.
-I don't, but, walk with me?

I'm a bit underdressed.

-Want some balloons?
-I'm okay for balloons, thanks.

-So how's the new job going?
-Yeah, yeah, good.

You left without saying goodbye.

Yeah sorry.

I've missed you at work.

I do a lot less photocopying
these days.

So, you decided to run away
and join the circus.

I tried. Didn't get in.

Only the freak show
would have me.

Seriously, why are you dressed
like a box of Quality Street?

My sister's wedding. Today.

A fuck up with the balloons.

Definitely.

So how are you?

Yeah perfect.

Perfect.

You know my job's perfect.
I have a perfect boyfriend...

and I'm going to my sister's
perfect wedding where...

a thousand old people...

who haven't seen me since
I was this high...

will come up to me and
soak my face with saliva...

saying: 'Please God by You'.
It means:

'may God also make you marry a
nice Jewish boy and not become...

an old maid'.

Who's the boyfriend?

Anthony Silver.

He's, you know perfect.

-My parents love him.
-And you? What do you think of him?

He's safe.

He's reliable he's solid.

Sounds like a Volvo.

I don't know...

he's exactly the sort of boy
I imagined I'd end up with...

when I was twelve.

We'd fall in love and have a
perfect wedding...

perfect children and
live happily ever after.

Suze, you're a great girl.

You're funny and intelligent and
beautiful.

And you've got your feet on the
ground and that's a good thing...

but maybe sometimes
you just forget how to fly.

It's not easy with five people
standing on your wings.

There's no excuses, they don't
have to be Suzie Gold.

Only you have to be Suzie Gold.

Stop thinking so much and
follow your heart a bit.

How can I hear my heart with all
the noise my head makes?

Babe, sometimes you've just
gotta jump.

Your heart will be beating so fast,
you won't be able to ignore it.

It was really nice to see you
again.

Nice?

Nice.

Listen, Suze you've got my
number.

Maybe give me a call sometime?

I don't know. You know the...
Volvo.

Did you sort out the balloons?

Mum, fuck the balloons.

Sophie, Richard...

today you're embarking on the
most wonderful journey together.

Weddings always make me cry...

but normally because I think
it'll never be me.

But this wedding was different.

As I watched my little sister get
married, I felt nothing but joy.

She looked so beautiful so
complete.

All her dreams had led her
to that moment...

and for once, I wasn't thinking
about me...

and my hopes and confusions
and judgements.

I was just happy for her.

Mazel Tov!

And that night I felt part...

of something much bigger
than myself.

I suppose it was a sense
of belonging.

A sense of something that stretched
before me for generations.

Something I could never
walk away from.

Toby what are you doing?
What is it with you?

-Will you leave me alone now.
-Just dance and smile.

Have you farted, dad?

I love having a deaf father.

-Mr Gold can I have a word?
-Sure, Anthony...

but call me Irving.

There's something very important
I'd like to ask you...Irving.

Does it have to be now? But
we're at my daughter's wedding.

And thanks to your father, it's
costing about 800 pounds a minute.

Yeah it's just, I was wondering...

how would you like another
wedding?

What are you talking about?

Well, Suzie and l, we think it's
about time we got engaged.

I think that's great, Anthony.

As long as you look after her.

-So I've got your permission?
-Will I get a discount?

I'm sure something can be
arranged.

You little bastard.

Still with the 'little,' eh? Why
can't I just be a 'bastard'?

You had to have everything,
didn't you? 'Tiny Levine'.

Couldn't keep your grubby little
hands off my toys.

Now you can't keep them off
my wife!

There you go again.
'Tiny Levine'!

It's always been the same, hasn't
it? Ever since we were kids.

'Here comes little Levine.'
'There's Tiny Tony.'

'Don't play with Titch, the ball
will go over his head!'

Well, you had to stand on a chair
to reach puberty.

-You've always hated my guts!
-You always hated mine!

Then how come we're
best friends?

Because no-one else would
have us.

Look, the thing with me and
Joy it was nothing really.

The sex weren't even that good.

Maybe if you were a bit bigger...

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have
your attention for a moment.

Simon Cohen, you break that jug
and you pay for it.

The last thing I wanna do
is overshlog...

Sophie and Richard
at their own wedding.

But with all the love in the air.

there's something I'd like to
share with all of you.

As some of you may know,
for the past six months...

a very special girl...

has made me a very happy man.

Oh-my-God.

I'm very happy.

But there comes a point in every
man's life...

when he knows what he really
wants.

And, I think we all know...

that the one thing more
precious than...

silver...

is gold.

-Anthony Silver and Suzie Gold.
-Yeah, we got it, we got it.

But, today in front of our
family and friends...

I'd like to ask this little
nugget of gold...

to be my own Mrs Silver.

Suzie... would you marry me?

That's lovely.

I mean, really wow.

Anthony, I can't marry you.

I appreciate how good you've been
over the past few months, but...

I can't marry you.

I just wish you'd have asked me
first.

This is how you repay us? You've
always gotta spoil the party!

-Mum, are you mental?
-I need my head examining?

He's a gorgeous boy from
a good family!

It's true.

Oh, like I need marriage advice
from you.

And at least you're not ashamed
to bring him home.

What does that mean?

Look, just play something.
Anything, just play.

-Dad, what's wrong with her?
-Just find someone to dance with.

Mum, what does that mean?

It means he walks into my house
like a gentleman...

not disguised as a plumber!

-You knew about Darren?
-Course I knew. Mothers know.

-Why didn't you say anything?
-Why didn't you say anything?

Because he wasn't Jewish and
you'd have gone crazy.

You wouldn't even have let him
inside the house!

Absolutely not.

You know better than to invite
some non-Jewish into my house!

How dare you.

He wasn't a yobbo.
He was a gentleman.

He is a gentleman.

Just because he isn't Jewish
doesn't make him a yobbo!

And you know what?
It's you I'm ashamed of!

-Fine.
-Fine.

Your daughter would rather some
nobody yobbo than with Anthony.

I don't even know if I'm gonna end
up with the yobbo!

And he's not a yobbo!

His name's Darren and
he's a sweet...

sincere and intelligent man...

who just happens to not be
Jewish.

How could you do this to us?

How could I do this to you?

Mum, you want me to marry someone
I don't even love...

and I'm doing this to you?

No-one's gonna marry anyone they
don't want to marry.

I'm sorry, dad.

I know you liked him.

I don't have to live with him.

All we want is for you to be
happy.

I suppose he has got mean lips.

Now let's not forget why we're
here.

This is Sophie's night.

Let's go out there and show them
what this family's made of.

The bouquet.

Well done, Miriam.

Sorry.

There are some days
you will never forget.

My sister's wedding day is about
number one on the list so far.

If Anthony Silver had happened
to me the year before...

I probably would have married
him.

But you know what I'll remember
the most?

Letting go of those balloons.

I suppose sometimes...

you've just got to let go of
your balloons.