All language subtitles for S09E18 - To Sir with

What's that, Harry? Another lecture for
your night school class?

Bigger than that, Mac. This is a final
exam.

Ooh, the swan song for the Koch
community clodhoppers.

So what's the hardest question besides
name here?

All right, Mr. Know-it-all, try this
one.

Miss Douglas has been brought in on a
shoplifting charge.

What is the standard three-point
defense?

Easy. Short skirt, plunging neckline,
and no underwear.

Hey, Christine.

How was the ride on the old
congressional campaign trail?

Tiring. Besides fighting this darn cold,
I was up all night working on the

opening jokes for my Women's League
speech.

Jokes?

You?

What's wrong with that?

Nothing. I just never thought of you as
the kind of girl who, you know, feels

comfortable saying funny things.

That's ridiculous.

I say lots of funny things, don't I,
Mac?

Well?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I remember a great joke you told about a
stupid woman who wallpapered over her

cat.

Stupid woman happened to be me.

And it wasn't funny.

I could have sworn I laughed.

He must...

Can I talk to you about something in my
personal life?

As long as it doesn't trigger a visual
of you naked.

Okay, here goes.

For the past few months, there's been a
very special lady in my life. But we're

keeping it on the sly because she's
related to someone we all know.

What's so funny?

Well, for some reason, when you said
that, I flashed on Bull's mother.

It is Bull's mother.

So, how'd you meet the little mermaid?

It was at Bull's wedding reception.

She was reaching for the oyster dip, and
she scooped up my heart.

With her good hand or the hook?

Both. Well, it was just so easy.

So anyway, last night I called the ship
to shore.

And I asked her to be my bride, and she
said,

I are you, scurvy dog.

So what, besides the painfully obvious,
is your problem?

Boo.

Oh, you're wondering how to tell him
that his favorite handyman is also his

mother's favorite handyman.

Exactly. What if he gets peeved?

Well, Art, Boo loves his mother, and he
doesn't.

Hate you When he finds out how happy you
are he's gonna be thrilled.

I hope you're right because here he
comes Hey guys, what's up fool?

I'm gonna marry your mother

So, how's Bull doing?

I just checked on him in the guard's
lounge.

He's sitting there with his vacant stare
in his eyes drooling out of the side of

his mouth.

All good. He's back to normal.

Yeah.

Don't worry. The villagers say he's
afraid of fire.

So, feeling better?

You mean you're not ticked off?

Heck no!

After 40 years of sapling every fish in
the sea, Mama's finally dropped anchor.

Way to go, Bull. I knew you'd take this
like a man.

And just think of all the neat father
and son things we can do. We can go to

the circus, the zoo, ring doorbells and
run.

Yep, just like a man.

Come on, we got 40 years to catch up on.

Dad!

Art's gonna marry Bull's mother.

Files up, sir, and my lunch can't be too
far behind.

I'm with you. Let's go from lovebirds to
jailbirds, huh, Mac? Call it. Yes, sir.

People versus Marie Antoinette.

Solicitation.

Prosecution.

Yes, sir.

Your Honor, Her Majesty the Queen of
French Kissing was arrested on 42nd

Street when she offered two vice
officers the chance to storm the

Bastille.

My client would like to throw herself on
the merci of the court.

Come on, guys, don't you get it? It's
French.

Throw herself on the thank you of the
court?

Oh, it's a pun.

Honey, that's cheap.

But then again...

funny. And time to manger, mes amis.

And I'm off to the Scholastic Salt
Mines. Harry, why are you wasting your

time with those pathetic pinheads?

It's not a waste, Dan. It's very
stimulating.

I had no idea I was going to enjoy
teaching as much as I do, and I have a

feeling that Koch Community College is
going to offer me a full professorship.

So if you'll excuse me, I have a
tutorial to conduct.

Yeah, well, tell the pinheads I said
duh.

professorship?

Wait a minute. That would mean he would
have to give up his position here.

Wow. Night court without Harry.

That's a pretty scary thought, huh?

Not scary, Mac.

Exhilarating.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Judge Daniel R.

Fielding.

opens an air at launch.

Five, six, seven, eight.

What's that Miranda stipulate?

Remain silent, get a lawyer, but spill
your guts and they'll destroy you.

Morty, Sylvia, what's the key to the
thing we call double jeopardy? You can't

try making a shot. Oh, shut your mouth,
Sylvia.

You got no rhythm.

Pardon me for being passionate.

By all means, get it out of your system
before we get home.

Wrap things up.

I have no doubt that you kids are going
to ace this test. Now get out of here.

Get home. Get some rest. I'll see you
all tomorrow.

Travis.

Sorry, teach.

All habits die hard.

Eat your heart out, Mr.

Chips.

Finish in the diligence, students.

Hi. You know, I... I was just musing
over how fortunate you are to have Judge

Stone for your instructor.

Oh, he's truly a gift from God.

Stop gushing, Sylvia.

Well, Sylvia, if you feel so strongly,
maybe you should make your feelings

known to the dean.

You mean like a brick through his
window?

No, you student.

I'm thinking more along the lines of a
letter-writing campaign.

Hey, we could tie a letter to a brick.

I have just such a letter.

Here. All you have to do is sign your
names.

Hopefully, there won't be too much of a
challenge.

No.

To whom it may concern, please give
Harold T. Stone tenure.

He makes loving fun.

No, learning.

I'm going to say learning. All right,
give me these.

I'm going to correct them. I'll be right
back. Wait here.

Damn manual typewriters.

about us. Let's go.

So, Art, how's it going?

It's been better.

Junior and me took in an all-night daffy
duck marathon and capped it off with

five hours of thumb wrestling followed
by two hours of surgery.

You let Bull perform surgery on you?

Wow. You are a good daddy.

Ladies, I'm in a quandary. As much as I
love Hank, I don't think I'm ready for

fatherhood.

Well, it seems to me the problem is that
Bull's been acting like a son.

So maybe you should try acting like a
father.

You know, like... That's it.

Reverse psychology.

Junior wants a father?

Junior's gonna get a father.

Roz, you're brilliant.

Reverse psychology.

How'd you think of that one, Roz?

I didn't. I was just gonna tell him to
whoop the kid.

Okay, so then the woman says, So, who's
in charge of the food?

Yeah, go on.

What's the punchline?

Oh.

Not even a titter?

I'm laughing on the inside.

Well, maybe it was just a lousy joke.

Yeah, it was pretty bad. I heard that
one before.

I have it. How's it go?

Um, let me see.

Two women are walking down the street.
One says to the other, my husband is

having an affair.

And the other one says, really?

Who's catering?

Good day, good professor.

I bring you this basket of cheer as a
small token of my undying friendship and

unbounded respect.

Get well soon, Grandma.

She didn't.

So, how did your charming students do on
their final exam?

They all failed.

I guess all I'm qualified for is passing
judgment on scantily dressed women with

loose morals.

God, I want that job.

I got it. You can grade them on a curve.

They all scored zero.

You can rate them on a bump.

You know, what really puzzles me is that
they all had that material nailed to the

tutorial. Sounds like performance
anxiety.

Huh? You know, students can be totally
prepared for a test, but when the clock

starts ticking, they freeze up.

Performance anxiety?

Well, if that's what it is, then all I
would have to do is retest them.

Hey, you're brilliant.

Oh, glad I could help.

Hey, you guys. Did you hear the one
about the nearsighted Presbyterian and

the billy goat?

No.

Do tell.

Okay.

So there's this Presbyterian.

Wait a minute.

Is he a Lutheran?

Okay. There's this nearsighted Lutheran
and the billy goat.

Was it a sheep?

No, wait a minute, wait a minute. It was
a camel. Wait, where are you guys going?

Okay.

Everybody ready?

Oh, I hope so, sir. I was up all night.

Walter, you pulled an all-nighter for
this test?

Well, actually, I only studied until
about 8.30.

The rest of the time, I was hugging the
toilet.

Walter, you need a woman.

All right, what do you say we get
started?

Pass these back.

And remember, if you have any questions
at all, don't hesitate to ask.

And we'll do our best to answer them.

Dan, what are you doing here?

I thought I'd just come by and lend
support. I mean, after all, I helped you

make up the tasks. Why don't I stick
around? I can help you grade them.

Well, all right, but keep quiet. Shh,
got you geniuses at work.

All right, folks, you can start at your
own pace.

2C.

2C. Can you say something, Dan?

2C. I might go 2C on vacation.

Take a cruise.

Will you keep quiet or you're going to
cruise right out of here.

Aye, aye, Skipper.

Won't hear another peep out of me.

of crap in my finger.

I've gotten about an inch of lead.

Fielding, get up here.

I want you to keep quiet. Make yourself
useful.

That's better.

Oh, sir.

You missed a few.

Those are the answers.

Answers to what?

The test, you idiot. Keep your voice
down.

Why would the test answers be on the
blackboard?

You're Walter.

Have you been cheating?

I don't think so.

All right, Dan. What the hell is going
on?

Oh, Harry, I'm sorry. I just wanted to
help you achieve your dream.

What dream?

Of leaving the bench.

What are you talking about?

Why would I want to quit my job?

Because these pinheads need you, sir.

Ouch. Right.

All right, exam's over. Hand your papers
up.

Why is that, sir?

Well, isn't it obvious? Dan gave you the
answer.

Now everyone will have the same answer
for number one, B.

And even if you don't, they're right up
in front of you in black and white

there. What's going on?

Well, sir... Not a word, blondie.

I'm sorry, Travis. His will is too
strong.

Sir, we conspired to fail the test so we
could take your class over again.

Why in the world would you want to do
that?

Because we love this class.

It's the most important thing in our
lives.

It's the only thing in my life.

I don't understand.

Sir, you've inspired us.

Thanks to you, I've decided to stop
trying to date lawyers and become one

myself.

I've had that effect?

You bet you have.

You've been an inspiration. Your civil
law lecture inspired me to take action.

You did?

Yeah. I sued my neighbor and got that
90-year-old hag evicted.

Because of you, I have the courage to
wear corduroy.

Well, gosh.

And Morty and I have canceled our
divorce plans.

But you two fight like pit bulls.

Fine line between love and hate.

You showed us the way.

I'm stunned.

I mean, you got all that out of my
little class.

I really made that much of a difference?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

You know, for a while there, I was
beginning to think maybe Dan was right,

that you were just a bunch of pinheads.

Yes, sir, but we're your pinheads.

You bet we are.

I never thought I'd say this to a man,
but, uh, I, uh,

we, uh...

I think what Travis is trying to say,
sir, is how do you thank someone who's

taken you from crayons to perfume?

It isn't easy, but we'll try.

Hey, Dad.

Ready for our camp out in Central Park?

I got the marshmallows and the mace.

I have to wait.

First, I need you to be a good son and
paint Dad's apartment.

Then you can steam clean Dad's carpeting
and sandblast Dad's 75 Pinto.

Then we can go camping?

Not until you've finished all your
broccoli, Junior.

You know,

technically... You're not going to be my
father.

You're going to be my stepfather.

And sons are supposed to resent their
stepfathers.

You're not my real father.

You don't understand me.

And don't call me Junior.

Or... Natalie.

Bo.

Hey, Christine.

Got any new jokes for us?

No, Dad. I've given up trying to be
funny.

Some people have it and some people
don't. From now on, I'm going to be

known as the profound candidate.

The profound candidate?

Yeah. Would you listen to the opening of
my Women's League speech?

My friends, the world is metamorphosing
with every turgid spin of its rhetorical

axis. As we careen through this
transitory flux, we're tempted to

scream, Stop!

You're arresting my destiny!

But, lest we forget, life is like a
window.

If you don't put up curtains, the sun
will fade the rug.