All language subtitles for S09E09 - The System works

What's going on?

If we get the country of origin of
tonight's special, we get our money

back.

Subtle. Interesting character.

Charming balance.

Lithuanian liver soup, perchance?

Good evening, one and all. Wasn't it a
glorious day today?

You're awfully chipper.

You would be, too, if a children's book
that you wrote had a good chance of

being published.

Really? And I thought you were just
having a good hair day.

When did you write a children's book?

A couple of months ago.

I thought it would be a great way to
show little Charlie what I do when I'm

not home.

I call it Mommy's World.

So how does Charlie like reading about
Mommy defending little Miss Hooker?

It's just about my job, Roz.

It's about everything I do during the
day. There's chapters about Mommy going

shopping or Mommy getting her hair done.

Mommy taking showers and lathering
herself.

I figured that Mommy's World could be a
whole series of books written by yours

truly, Mother Sullivan.

Mongolian yak bladder!

No, too salty.

Got the new sketches for you, Mother
Sullivan. Oh, terrific.

You guys know Tommy Gamble, the court
artist? He's doing the illustrations for

my book. When I meet with the
publishers, I want it to look as

professional as possible.

Oh, Tommy, they're still not right.

A mommy character has to be a woman of
the 90s. I can't be seen wearing fur

collars and eating Captain Ding Dong.

Check out the sensuous lines of Mommy's
well-tanned calf muscle.

Lumpfish, melt balls, and muscles can
only be one thing.

Faulty sea pie?

That is correct, sir.

Great! And this time it only took me 15
bowls.

Oh, Matt, could you believe Tommy's
sketches? He captured every nuance of

Christine's body.

Oh, I love those nuances.

All I saw were sketches for a children's
book.

Obviously, my friend, marriage has
shrouded your artistic imagination.

My imagination's fine.

Yours should be on a leash.

Oh, please.

May I shake the hand of the genius, the
man who with pen and ink as his only

tools breathed life into Mother
Sullivan.

What's your game, Fielding?

No game, Tommy. I was just wondering if
I could interest you in doing a portrait

of our lovely Miss Sullivan.

I suppose it wouldn't hurt if she just
happened to be buck naked on a bearskin

rug.

No. I envisioned Christine, the noble
public defender, approaching the bench

in spiked heels and a cellophane halter.

Spiked heels are very tricky to draw,
and cellophane could take hours

to perfect that sheen.

And this is going to cost me two weeks'
salary.

Fine.

Consider me your humble patron.

You blood-sucking little worm.

So did you eat it?

I was impressed.

Thank you, Roz.

Did you like the quirky little way I
made everyday chores seem like so much

fun?

Actually, I like the quirky little way
you can make $10,000 by writing 83

words.

All right, call it, Matt. Yes, sir.
People versus Clark, Gertgen, Plimp.

Fleckman and Fleckman.

Grand theft.

What'd they steal besides those ugly
names?

Your Honor, the accused are all members
of the layman's law class at Ed Koch

Community College.

According to their instructor, Professor
Jarvis Crowley, they've stolen his very

grip on reality.

Oh, not another didactic philosophical
argument.

The defendants have made my life.

A living hell.

Your Honor, Professor Crowley. They have
plotted to break my spirit and ruin my

passion for teaching.

I demand they all be held accountable.

I really think that I should do the
talking.

Doctor, I don't understand why you're so
miffed at us. You know we worship you.

Sure.

Like a school of piranha worships a
hippopotamus?

He always had a gift for imagery, Your
Excellency.

It's your honor, Sylvia. Your Excellency
is for church types.

Professor, they seem like nice people.

Nice people?

No.

They're monsters.

They are all monsters.

And I demand that you lock them up and
save the world.

Really think I ought to do the talking.

How does the little R&R at the Bellevue
Teacher's Lounge sound, huh?

Gotcha.

Bellevue.

What a nice institution.

I'll bet I can get tenure there,
couldn't I?

They'll probably give you a varsity
straight jacket.

Bare, as if she's saying, come hither,
Dan.

Come hither.

Come hither's my specialty.

You've proven that, my friend.

Now, for your coup de grace.

Here is your inspiration.

I want you to do me a picture book.

Title it, The Adventures of Mother
Sullivan and Mr.

Dan.

I thought we'd already hit the low end
of the decency scale.

You're working with a pro now.

I don't know.

Slinkys are a classic artistic
challenge.

I'll sell my watch.

I'll get to work.

Excuse me, Judge Stone, Helen Lipps, Ed
Koch Community College. We spoke on the

phone. Right, Dean Lipps. Nice to meet
you. Yeah.

Well, obviously you're a busy man, so if
you'll just sign these, I'll be on my

way. What are those?

These are Professor Crowley's release
papers from Bellevue. He has a class

tomorrow night.

Dean, from what I hear, Professor
Crowley is talking to cockroaches about

doing a road show.

Hmm, I wonder if he'd be interested in
teaching a theater course.

Are you in the habit of employing
unstable teachers?

I'm in the habit of employing anyone
qualified.

Look, Koch Community is not exactly an
Ivy League campus.

We're a 16th floor walk-up, and our
school mascot is a pigeon that got

caught in an air conditioning vent.

That's pathetic.

Well, what can I tell you? Education in
the 90s, huh?

Well, still, there must be any number of
people who'd be willing to teach a law

class. You will?

Dean, you understand I'd like to help,
but I've never taught anything.

Oh, don't sell yourself short. Look at
you, huh?

You're young, you're smart, you're sane.

You can make a difference.

Really fire up these kids.

What do you say, Professor Stone?

Professor Stone?

I like the sound of that.

I'll send over a class schedule and get
to work right away on your engraved

pointer. Oh, no, Dean, really, I... I
get my own pointer?

I'll see you tomorrow at 6.30.

Oh, and by the way, if you have any
extra chalk lying around, we'd really

appreciate it.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, no, it's a judge.

We're going back to jail.

Wrong, Mr. Plip.

Judge Stone will be your new teacher.

And he also might replace Mr. Parker as
football coach.

They still say Parker was a suicide.

Well, I'm late for a meeting.

You're all yours, Professor Stone.

Welcome to the class, Judge.

Thank you.

Miss Clark?

P.J.

P.J.? Well, it's been a long time since
I've been in a classroom.

Oh, I'm sure you'll do just fine, your
judgeship.

Mop, I'm crying out loud, Sylvia. The
man's only here a minute and already

you're hiking up your skirt.

Morty and Sylvia Fleckman, how are you?

Fine. Sir!

Sir! Yes, uh, Walter.

Should we be taking notes on lined or
unlined paper?

It's up to you.

Well, let's find out a little something
about ourselves, huh? I'll

start. Sir!

Sir!

Yes, Walter.

Would a number two pencil be
appropriate?

Or do you see this as a lighter lead?

A two and a half?

Or a three?

If you like, I could shove those pencils
up his fat nose.

I'm sure that won't be necessary,
Travis.

Anyway, about myself, I've been a
municipal court judge for about nine

years. I like to think of myself as both
stern and fair. I can be lighthearted or

serious. Is anyone else cold?

Well, I'm not, Sylvia, but I... There
she goes again with the cold.

Wherever we are, it's always cold.

110 in the shade, dogs are dropping in
the streets, and she's always with them.

Hey, Morty, could you turn down the air
conditioner? I'm cold.

I can't help it if I have poor
circulation.

Along with a trap that never shuts.

Boy, oh boy, I tell you, I cannot wait
for that divorce.

You two are getting divorced?

Shocking, isn't it?

That's why we're in this class here,
Judge Sip, so we can learn how to file

on our own.

You can't be serious.

Oh, you bet we are. And when I dump
Sylvia, it's off to Boca Raton and a hot

tub seat for this morning.

Well, uh, thanks for sharing that
tidbit.

Now we know why you're here.

P.J., uh, what do you hope to get out of
this class?

A real understanding of the law.

Well, that's great.

Oh, heck, who am I kidding?

I'm here to marry a lawyer.

Walter?

Walter!

Is there a problem?

Boy, you're not going to believe this,
Judge, but I got the old bum debt.

Don't worry, Hob, we're fixing a jippy.

You don't want me to shove those pencils
up his nose?

No.

Not yet.

Travis, maybe you can tell us something
about your aspirations.

I want to hurt people.

What? Yeah, every day people are in my
face. So I want to learn to use the law

to get even without getting busted.

We'll be dealing with civil law a little
later in the course. How soon?

My landlady's really taking me off.

As long as we're on the subject of class
content, does anyone else have any

favorite topics?

Yes, PJ.

Do you have a girlfriend?

That's a little forward.

In my day, a woman would never ask a man
that.

In your day, dinosaurs roamed the earth.

and learn something about you.

Oh, all right.

Well, I... I work in the subway, and
it's always been my

ambition to rise above my station.

And become a lawyer.

I would be honored to graduate Magnum
P.I.

What is the class, moron?

You should talk.

The only reason you pass is because you
cheat.

Any man married to you would.

I wonder if lawyers cheat on their
wives.

Everybody cheats. Everybody steals. We
live in a...

Together we can discover the law and we
can marvel at its genius.

I'm begging you, see this moment.

Let me be your guide to the beauty, the
joy that is the

law.

Are you with me?

Yes. Are you ready to learn?

All right then, all right. Let's begin
by taking the mystery out of Prima.

Fascia law.

Yes, a question for Mrs. Fleckman. I'm
cold.

Did someone change the thermostat?

Oh, Tommy.

You got my sketches?

Hang on to your pants, pal. You're about
to take a walk down Perverto Boulevard.

I couldn't sleep all night thinking
about Mother Sullivan, Mr.

Dan, that slinky.

What is this?

Mother Sullivan pushing a grocery cart,
reading a newspaper.

Damn it, man, where's my filth?

Forgive me, I'm just a little bit
nervous.

It's a big moment for me.

Yes, I'm sure it is.

And I'd really like to thank you for
coming down here.

I'm sure you would.

Shall we begin?

Yeah, um, I'll read you from Mommy's
World, and you can follow along with the

artwork.

Whatever.

Mommy's World by Mother Sullivan.

Oh, look at Mommy. She gets out of bed
in the morning.

So, she is so tired because she worked
so hard last night.

See Mommy as she combs her hair.

Mommy likes to dress up nice for her
friends.

I should say.

See Mommy in the courthouse. The nice
judge is smiling because he's Mommy's

special friend.

Oh, lucky man.

Sometimes people are bad and they have
to be disciplined at Mommy's work.

Does Mommy love her work?

Mommy loves her work.

And I love you, Mommy Sullivan.

Mother Sullivan and Mr. Dan?

Lizards!

Oh, please don't go, Mommy.

It's been years since I've had a proper
caning.

If a guy comes running out of a liquor
store and he's got a gun and he's got a

bag of money and there's an alarm
blaring, that should be prima facie.

Prima facie evidence for an arrest
unless it is rebutted by a witness.

Yes, P.J.? Do judges make more money
than lawyers?

Why don't you ask your next professor?

Where are you going, sir?

To Walden Pond.

To drown myself.

It's obvious you people don't want to
learn about the law because you just

don't care.

Here's a guy who cared.

But you don't want to hear about that.

Wait, sir.

Who cared?

on that coin is King Hammurabi.

He was the ruler of ancient Babylonia
and one of the first rulers in the world

who created a code of law.

See, Hammurabi knew that without law,
there would be only anarchy.

Well, I carry that coin with me to
remind me of why I became a judge.

But from what I've seen tonight, you
folks don't give a damn.

I do.

Is that coin worth any money?

Well, I tried.

I'm out of here.

Who's got my coin?

I'm clean.

Somebody's got it. Come on.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hold on.

Look what I found.

Bill, dear. Did you try to make off with
the judge's coin?

No. I never stole anything in my life.

But it was in your purse.

I say, fry us.

That's my wife you're talking about.

So would you be willing to be a
character witness?

Well, I'll tell you, Sylvia Fleckman may
be a lot of thieves, but one thing she

is not is a thief.

All right, we've got testimony. Do we
have any other evidence in Sylvia's

defense? This is crazy.

There's no proof I took that coin.

But it was found in your purse.

And with prima facie evidence, that can
be a presumption of guilt unless

rebutted.

Wow.

Walter's not stupid.

He's not.

And Sylvia's not a thief.

Hey, Judge.

What's this presumption of guilt stuff?

We'll save that for next week.

Dan, you okay?

I'm fine.

Just keeping an eye out for Christine.

She's still a little myth about those
sketches.

Haven't you heard?

She hired Tommy Gamble to do a nude
flyer of you and she's handing them out

to every woman in the building.

A nude?

Of me?

That's a surprising yet forgiving
gesture, huh?

Dan, you're going like hotcakes.

Well, it's not every day you get to see
Dan Fielding nude.

Unless you ask.

Well, you're not exactly nude.

You recall those spiked heels and
cellophane halter you like so well?