All language subtitles for S09E08 - Teachers Pet

So, what do you think of my face?

It separates your ears nicely.

No, I just got a facial. Can't you tell?

You know, I did notice an unfamiliar
glow.

But I figured you just finally got
lucky.

So, dredging your pores, huh?

What's the occasion?

Well, I just wanted my skin to look as
good as my new lipstick, suit, shoes,

stockings, and...

Unmentionables. Oh, go ahead, mention
them.

Christine, what gifts?

Peter Collingswood is in town to receive
the New York Bar Association Award, and

he's coming by to see me. Isn't that
exciting?

That's great.

Who the hell is Peter Collingswood?

Only the single most important influence
in my life.

I thought that was Donna Reed.

Come on, you guys have heard me talk
about him, Professor Collingswood.

Second year, history of American Torsten
Law School.

He gave me an A on the crowning
achievement of my law school career. My

paper on evidentiary acceptance in the
McPhail trial.

Burden of proof in the valley of the
beast.

Aw, you remembered.

Yeah, I think you mentioned it four or
five hundred times.

The first time I'll be meeting this
revered man as an equal.

Thanks to his guidance, I'm now a
respected, dignified member of the legal

community.

Oh, no, this lipstick clashes with my
suit.

Is our Miss Sullivan getting a little
carried away?

I don't think so. It was a rather
pedestrian shade.

Well, here it is.

Just in time, the latest issue of Grooms
Quarterly.

Yeah, you wouldn't want to fall behind
in cummerbund trends.

Say that again.

A groom's work is never done.

But this little gem is going to help me
book the honeymoon, find gifts for my

ushers, and shop for my trousseau.

Please, I'm eating here.

Good for you, Bull.

You and Wanda are going to be partners
in life, and researching the important

wedding details is a great way to start.

Oh, yeah.

Important wedding details.

Turn your boutonniere into a lovely
potpourri.

Surprise your bride with a factory
wedding cake.

Oh, the 90s wedding dance. Who should
lead?

This represents the end of the masculine
world as we know it. Yeah, I agree with

Dan. This magazine is a load of hooey.

Look, here's an ad for a machine that
restores your virginity.

What?

Make your next time your first time.

With the immaculate contraption.

Who would fall for something like that?

Let me guess. The infamous A.

Yeah. I usually display it in my office,
but I wanted Professor Collingswood to

see what an inspiration it's been to me.

He was my mentor.

He taught me to thirst for justice, to
strive for excellence, to challenge my

intellect.

What do you think? Hair behind the ears
or in front?

Next. People versus Chi-Chi LaRue.
Charge. Usual.

Prosecution. Usual. Defense.

Usual. Usual it is. Fifty-five dollars
in time. Third.

The wheels of justice are laying rubber
tonight.

Christine Sullivan.

Oh, Professor Collingswood.

I didn't see you come in. How long have
you been here? You didn't see the last

case, did you? From beginning to end.
Oh, God, I didn't even cite any

precedents. Actually, Christine was
using a time-honored legal gambit called

the usual.

Usual deal.

But to me, a textbook example of the law
at work.

Fast, smooth.

and a joy to watch. Christine, you look
wonderful.

No, she should. She's spent enough.

And, uh, you are? Meaningless.

And you, Your Honor, Solomon himself
couldn't have been more wise and fair.

Harry Stone.

I'm Peter Collingsworth.

Yeah, we know.

You're the one who gave her the A for...
Burden of proof in the belly of the

beast.

Christine's been blabbering about that
paper for years.

Catch it.

Could I interest you in a cup of our
fine cafeteria coffee? I'd be delighted.

Will you excuse us, please?

I'll be in my office polishing my SAT
scores.

Well, I just made the appointment to get
my virginity back.

The inventor of the immaculate
contraption is going to be here tomorrow

to re-flower me.

Well, you're not going to go through
with this thing, are you? Why not?

Mr. Adam assures me it's painless, it
only takes two and a half minutes, and

it's guaranteed to last till my next
carnal rendezvous. And if it doesn't,

he'll cheerfully refund my purchase
price of $1,995.

You paid $2,000 to get your virginity
back?

It's probably a lot less than it cost
him to lose it.

Mr. Adam gets here, I'll spring for
ringside seats, okay?

Fool, Wanda loves you.

You don't have to change the past to
make her happy. You've already done that

by being exactly who you are.

I think Mac is right.

You just don't understand.

Wanda's love is the greatest gift that
anyone's ever given to me. I want to

give her something special in return.

I want her to have me before anyone
else.

Too late.

He's already been had.

You know, it's always tremendously
rewarding to see a former student doing

well. Well, I have you to thank for
that. When you gave me that A, the very

first one I'd ever gotten in law school,
I knew right then and there I had what

it takes to be a lawyer.

Well, I'm glad I could be of help.

And now, I need yours.

Sure.

You know, I always hate to attend these
boring award dinners alone, and since my

wife can't be here to escort me, I
was... hoping that you might be kind

enough to share this boring evening with
me.

Professor, I'm flattered. I would love
to join you.

Excellent.

So aren't you excited about my
re-virginalization?

I don't know what this big deal is about
being a virgin. I mean, my mother is

one, and it causes her nothing but
grief.

Make yourself at home.

Can I offer you something to drink?

I'm afraid all I have is coffee, mineral
water, and Kool-Aid. It's fruit and toot

and raspberry.

As tempting as that sounds, I'll just
have coffee. I'll put it on.

Oh.

That's your boy?

Yeah, that's Charlie.

He's with his father tonight.

Beautiful. Just like his mother.

Thank you.

Interesting music collection.

It's rare to see Mozart next to the
little engine that could.

I do have a few choices in between.
Please, be my guest.

You know, if you had told me years ago,
when I was seated in the front row of

your class, that one day you and I would
be chit-chatting like old legal eagles,

I'd have said you were crazy.

You know, tonight was the best time I've
ever had at one of these things.

Well, it was my pleasure.

Wasn't that orchestra something?

I'm afraid I didn't notice I was too
busy shaking hands and laughing at my

colleague's stale jokes.

So, I guess that means you owe me a
dance.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I had no idea you were so light on
your feet.

But then how often does a student get to
dance with her professor?

Not often enough.

Oh, smooth moves.

Some moves stay with you.

I think I smell coffee perking.

Christine, I'm very sorry.

I was swept up in the moment. Please
forgive me.

I wouldn't impose anything on you that
you didn't want.

Gee, it was so unexpected.

It just took me by surprise.

I understand.

Good.

So, now this time you won't be
surprised.

Professor Collins!

Are you trying to date me?

Guilty as charged.

Well, what are you thinking? You're
married.

Well, is that a problem for you? It's
supposed to be a problem for you.

With all due respect, you come one step
closer and I'll hang you.

You know what I mean.

Well, I might have expected this.

After all that cozy talk, the dancing,
the flirting.

You're the same little tease you were in
law school.

Tease?

Why don't you just take your little
plaque and shove off?

Oh, Christine, about that A on your
beast of burden essay.

That's burden of proof.

Whatever.

I thought you'd like to know the truth.

The truth?

Mm-hmm.

You were graded solely on your
appearance.

The memory of an extremely short skirt
comes to mind.

The work itself was worth no more than a
seat.

People versus Johnston and Gianni.

Mutual assault and creating a public
nuisance.

Mr. Prosecutor? Yes, sir. The Pillsbury
Dodo boys here were arrested at the

Department of Motor Vehicles.
Apparently, they both wanted the same

vanity license plate.

D-R-M-B-O-A-T.

Hmm. Can I buy a bottle?

It's D-R-M-B-O-A-T.

Dreamboat. More like tugboat.

I thought of it first.

Your Honor, according to Criminal Code
Number 1073B, which, quote, guarantees

any citizen the right to defend himself
against any attack, said attack to be

defined as, one, physical, whether
without the use of a weapon, or, two,

verbal abuse, as defined under Section
3802, Part B. Now, Part B defines verbal

abuse as including, but not limited to,
the calling of names... Ms. Sullivan,

was fillet of law text on the cafeteria
menu tonight?

I was just trying to be efficacious,
Your Honor.

That means boring as hell. You're doing
a good job.

Let's make it $55 in time served, and
let's take lunch.

Dreamboat.

Dreamboat?

I deserve to be here. I deserve to be
here. I deserve to be here. Christine,

are you all right?

Am I any good?

Only one way to find out.

Do you have a nightgown and a
trampoline?

Men, you'd think by the time a lawyer
reaches the top of his profession and

receives a major Bar Association award,
he'd be able to think of a woman as a

professional equal and not just a
collection of body parts.

Not to jump to conclusions, but is this
about Professor Collingswood?

What body parts are we talking about?

Maybe we should talk in my office.

Someday I'll be a judge.

And people will look up to me and come
to me for advice.

Then I'll get to hear the dirty stuff.

Professor Collingswood came on to you?

What a lech!

He's just not the man I thought he was.

And I may not be the lawyer I thought I
was.

Christine, you're a very good lawyer.

Collingswood said that my A paper,
burden of proof... In the belly of the

beast.

Only deserved a C.

Still a passing grade.

You are upset.

Why would he say that?

Well, he claims that he only gave me an
A because he thought I was attractive.

Well, he's wrong.

I mean, you are attractive, but some
jerks use their power and position as

leverage. You can't let that destroy
your self-confidence.

You are right where you should be, and
you're doing a great job.

It's just so hard when the man you've
patterned your life after turns out to

be nothing but a sleazeball with a
raging libido.

Unless, of course, you're Dan.

Christine, you don't need role models.

The life you've made speaks for itself,
and no one can take that away from you.

What made you so smart?

Well, I've been eating a lot of fish
lately.

Mr. Adam, I'm Bull Shannon, the virgin
wannabe.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr.
Shannon.

You're about to become a whole new man.

You mean whole new sucker.

Who are these people?

We're his friends, Mr. Virgin on a Visa
card.

We're here to support him and to laugh
at him.

Skeptics. The chronic bane of a true
visionary.

Let me assure you, the immaculate
contraption is completely legitimate.

Yeah, so what does that pup tent do
besides suck his bank account dry?

It's designed to make him pure again. To
turn back the clock to a younger, more

innocent time.

Wow, am I gonna eat chalk and smear
pudding on the wall?

No. But I can guarantee you you'll
experience a total reawakening.

sun will shine brighter. The flowers
will smell sweeter and sex will be more

rewarding. Um, more rewarding.

How? It will be just like the first
time.

Tentative, unfamiliar, mysterious,
explosive.

In the backseat of my father's
Bonneville with the window steamed up

and the radio playing heat wave.

Let's proceed with the
re-virginalization.

This sacred crystal has been cleansed at
the base of the Grand Canyon for six

months and guarded by a mystic from
another dimension.

Yeah, the Bellevue dimension.

Take the crystal, Mr. Shannon, and hold
it tightly in your left hand.

Your other left hand.

Take this mystic orb and hold it in your
right hand. But be gentle with it.

Yeah, so when this doesn't work, you can
chuck it at him.

And now it's time to step into the
anointed chamber of earthly purgation.

Huh?

The tent.

Now, the key here is to believe in
yourself and the sacred value of your

purity.

I believe in my purity.

Big deal. He also believes in the great
pumpkin.

Mr. Shannon, can you feel the orb?

Yes. Yes.

Is the sacred crystal calling to you?

Yes. I hear my name.

Are you feeling like the biggest wahoo
in the world?

Mr. Shannon, your re-virginalization is
complete.

Take a moment to collect yourself and
then come out and greet a brand new

world.

You know, I thought that you were
running a nice, legitimate con here.

But you really disappoint me. I mean,
crystals,

orbs, tents.

You know, it's your kind that gives
Carnotus the bad name, bud.

How

do you

feel?

Okay.

$55 in time, sir.

The crystal called his name and he came
out of the tent looking like a little

white bean sprout.

But that's physically impossible.

It had to be some kind of trick.

I checked the tent. All I found was the
egg, the crystal, and a pair of teensy

-weensy little handcuffs.

Wow.

We lost him?

Wish we'd lost this one.

People versus Collingswood.

Disorderly conduct.

Counselor? Miss Sullivan?

Huh?

Would you approach the bench?

You okay?

I'm fine.

You know, I can't have this assigned to
another court.

Oh, no, thank you. That won't be
necessary.

I'm actually looking forward to this.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Well, come on, Your Honor. I'm perfectly
capable of putting my personal feelings

aside.

Okay, let's do it.

Cullingswood, a.k.a. the smutty
professor, was arrested when he jumped

the taxi line in front of his hotel. He
then physically removed the person from

the cab and demanded to be taken to the
airport.

I was going to miss my plane.

Your Honor, may I have a moment to look
over my file?

Sure. Go ahead.

Listen, Christine, about last night...
Oh, don't worry, Professor.

I'm not going to let that little
incident interfere with my performance

in the courtroom.

I appreciate that.

Because then I'd have to take into
account what a vile, disgusting,

arrogant pig you are, and I would not be
able to defend you.

Christine. I know, I know. You feel
terrible about the things you said last

night, especially in light of the fact
that now you need my help. And since I

am an attorney who merely breathes
through law school on account of my good

looks, I hope you're not expecting too
much of a defense.

I believe we're ready, Your Honor.

Your Honor, I'd like to enter my own
plea. Which technically won't be

necessary, as this police report was
never signed.

Rendering it null and void. And since
the people have no further evidence, I

move that the case be dismissed.

Game set and match. Case dismissed.

Let's call it a night, folks.

By the way, Counselor, well done.

Christine, that was a stroke of genius.

Well, I'd appreciate that compliment if,
in fact, your opinion mattered to me,

which it doesn't.

I just wanted to thank you for getting
the case dismissed.

I didn't do it for you. I did it because
it's my job, and I'm damn good at it. I

spent way too much time believing that
my success was due to you.

Well, you know what? It was due to me.

You remember that the next time you see
a student in a short skirt.

Goodbye, Professor.

Christine, I have to admire your
self-restraint.

After everything he did to you, you
handled yourself like a complete

professional. Well, Harry, I don't
believe in revenge.

Isn't that the professor's airline
ticket?

It was.

No, and they even put out an all-points
bulletin for a three-foot ball kid with

a baritone voice.

A lot of good that's gonna do. There
must be hundreds of those.

Just the same, something tells me there
won't be any more takers for the

immaculate contraption.

Who would go through all of that just to
experience a new kind of sex?

Hey, babe, wanna play with my Lincoln
log?