All language subtitles for S09E01 - A Guy named Phantom 1

Hello, sweetheart.

I missed you today.

Yeah, well...

This

is helping.

Christine,

we have to talk.

Talk? Harry, we have to kiss. We have to
kiss as if our lives depended on it. No,

no, no, Christine.

We really do have to talk.

Okay. Then let's talk about these.

Two tickets to the Chief Magistrate's
Charity Mask Ball.

Yeah. See you at eight? No.

No? No, Christine, you know, I've done
this to women before.

Done what?

Led them on.

Made them think there was a future for
us.

But I can't do that to you.

I care about you too much.

You care about me so much that you're
dumping me?

Oh, I know it hurts now.

But believe me, one day you're going to
thank me.

Well, why wait?

Thank you, Harry Stone.

Jean, I thought that was going to be
tough.

Christine?

Christine?

Christine!

Oh, what a nightmare!

Hey, Art.

Hey, look.

You haven't seen Judge Willard's dickie,
have you?

I beg your pardon.

You know, the one under his robe.

I beg your pardon.

You know that spade collar and tie so he
can wear T-shirts on hot nights?

Oh. No, I haven't. Why?

This clip from his chain is... It's
weird.

Stuff's been missing from all the
courtrooms. Everything from pushpins to

judges' robes.

It's like somebody's stolen a courtroom,
bit by bit.

The only thing missing from our
courtroom is Dan.

Geez, this thief is really getting bold.

Ah, don't worry about Dan. He just needs
a little time to recover from the shock

of the devastating loss of the Phil
Foundation at the hands of Phil's

unscrupulous brother, Will.

But once he does, he'll be hunky-dory.

Bye.

So obviously, Your Honor, this menace to
society is guilty,

guilty, guilty, and should be removed
from the streets.

Mr. Prosecutor, Father Fitzgerald is
guilty of jaywalking that doesn't make

him a menace to society.

$50 and time served.

Yet another... Another win for the
prosecution.

Boy, it's like shooting fish in a
barrel.

You know, Oscar, there's nothing worse
in this world than a poor winner.

Oh, is that right? Miss, look down your
nose at the replacement DA.

Nothing worse. Did you ever have Chinese
food in Bismarck, North Dakota?

I have.

Oscar's giving me the crud. It gives me
the crawl.

He gives me the left bone.

Oscar the Grouch?

I can't help it. When he squints and
shouts, I get hot.

I know love is blind, but since when did
it become deaf and dumb?

I really miss Dan.

Yeah, well, if you promise not to spread
it around, so do I.

How about you, Your Honor?

How about me what?

How about you anything?

Hello?

I'd say we have a lot of work to do.

Sir, I'd like to request a recess. We
need to talk. Let me go to your

chambers.

Miss Sullivan, anything you have to say
to me, you can say right out here at the

bench.

Okay.

Three weeks ago tonight, we kissed in
Central Park.

Would you mind keeping your voice down a
little bit?

Say a word to me. You can't even look me
in the eye. Of course I can.

That's lunch. One hour.

What are you staring at? Do you have
lunch plans?

Of course I have lunch plans. I plan on
eating a sardine sandwich out on the

loading dock and soaking in some verbal
abuse.

kind of perverse joke.

Who put you up to this? Blondie? She
hates me.

But then who doesn't?

I don't.

Well, all right. You can tag along.

But don't talk. You might interrupt me.

Uh, sorry, Christina. I'm gonna work
through lunch. Got a lot of work. Work,

work, work.

Sure, it's me.

Mac, thank goodness. Come on in.

Got something on your mind, Harry? Oh,
boy, do I ever.

Mac, it's parable time.

Oh, good. Hey, I love your parables.

Mac, once upon a time, there was this
little parakeet.

Happy, content little parakeet.

Okay, a happy parakeet. Gotcha.

See, this parakeet, he'd known this
canary for a long time.

And one night, the parakeet was just
flying through Central Park, and he

accidentally, on purpose, ran into the
canary and her ex-husband.

And? He knew that the parakeet and the
canary, they were kissing.

And then they went back to her perch,
huh?

No, they just went to their separate
cages.

Well, that's a pretty uneventful little
parable, Harry.

No, Mac!

Mac!

Don't you get it? The canary, that's
Christine.

And the parrot, that's me.

No!

Don't patronize me in my moment of
torment.

Mac, I'm telling you, Christine is head
over heels in love with me.

And you?

Well, I love her, of course, but I'm
not...

In love with her. Oh, and you are
positive now that she's in love with

you. Oh, are you kidding? That woman
went off like a volcano when I kissed

her.

Of course, I have that effect on women.

Curse.

Well, it seems that since you're both
adults, it should be easy to work out.

No, Mac, I'm talking about a woman who
is desperately in love. Oh, so the

solution is to avoid her for the rest of
your life?

Guess so.

Unless somebody with a better idea comes
through the door.

I was talking about the other door.

Excuse me, Harry, but there's a guy with
a gun here to see you.

Judge Stone.

Frank Pepitone.

Harry, we have to talk.

After the guy with the gun, doll.

As I was saying, Frank Pepitone, DA
investigator.

I'm working on the fielding
disappearance.

Oh, don't bother. He's already
disappeared.

I know Dan, and he'll be back.

Good. Because I got a little surprise
for him.

A warrant for his arrest?

What's the charge?

Embezzlement, fraud, and grand larceny
to the sweet tune of 10.2 mil.

Hey, Dan had nothing to do with that.

He was the victim. He got ripped off by
Will Sanders.

Cool down, cue ball.

I happen to have a warrant for Sanders'
arrest, too. It's a nice little scam

they pulled.

What you talking about, Pipitone?

Sanders pulls all the money out of the
Phil Foundation.

Then he and Fielding take a powder.

He probably thinks he's gotten away with
it.

But we'll sniff him out.

Just follow your nose to the cheap
cologne.

Thanks for the tip, sweetheart.

You guys don't believe him, do you?

Dan's not a sinner. He's a saint.

He's more than a saint.

He's an angel.

No, he's an archangel.

No, he's a demigod.

Right?

You know, you doubting Thomases are
really starting to tick me off.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some
good will to spread.

Well, I hope he turns himself in before
the cops find him.

Poor Dan.

Yeah, poor Dan.

I'm gonna go worry about Dan somewhere
else.

Poor Dan.

Most of his friends think he's guilty.

What am I laughing at? I'm Dan.

No, I'm not.

Now, I am the phantom of the courthouse.

And no, Inspector Pepitone, You will not
bring Dan Fielding to justice because

there is no justice in this building.

Not yet, anyway.

But soon I will remedy that.

I will vanquish the guilty. I will
punish the wicked. I will take the

stapler because I need one.

Because the phantom's lair is short on
half and half.

Now I must prepare.

Because my time is near.

The time of the phantom.

Ouch!

The phantom banged his shin.

I'll have to take that out on someone.

Last case of the night coming up, sir.
People versus Rona Ornstein.

Solicitation.

Prosecution.

She's a hooker.

Hooking is against the law.

The prosecution rests.

Confess.

My client pleads guilty and throws
herself on the mercy of the court.

I object.

To what? The mercy of the court?

No, to what's coming up next.

$50 and time served.

It's always $50 and time served.

Just to break up the monotony of the
courtroom, the people moved that the

sentence be $55 and time served.

Objection. I knew it.

Punitive, Your Honor.

Well, punishment is the objective, isn't
it, Miss Sullivan? And since the

prosecution seems willing to make an
unprecedented stink over this, why don't

we split the difference and make the
fine $52.50 entirely?

$52.50, the end of an era.

I know. It's a shock to my system, too.

Let's go lie down.

Harry, we have to talk.

Well, I'm... Fine.

How about in my chambers?

Hey, Oscar.

Where are you going?

Well, let's see.

The night's still young.

I figure I'll stop at the corner, pick
up a kraut dog and a papaya juice, head

down to my place,

TV guy crossword puzzle and fall asleep
in my clothes.

You could do that at my place.

Do you have one of those foot massage
machines?

No. But I'll let you stand on my
epileptic cat.

looks like the beginning of a not
completely horrible and humiliating

relationship.

Cream? Sure.

Well, that's strange. I could have sworn
I had a quarter half and a half.

I'll just run down to the corner and
pick some up.

Harry!

You've been avoiding me since that night
in the park. You know it and I know it.

We've had one kind of relationship for
seven years. Have I ever shown you my

moon rock?

Yes, you have.

When two people know each other as long
as we have, sometimes, well, feelings

change.

Love is a very strange thing, you know.

Yeah, I know.

And the truth is... The truth is I'm
glad we had this little talk.

Hey, Harry, your two tickets to the
courthouse mass ball just arrived.

Whoops.

So you want to go?

Oh, I'd love to.

Great.

Great.

Well, Mac, thanks to you, now we're
dating.

So, did you straighten everything out?

Oh, Roz, it's worse than I thought.

Harry is head over heels in love with
me.

I don't know where I'm going to find a
gown by tomorrow night.

A gown?

Tomorrow night?

A loosened screw by a loosened screw.

My preparations are complete.

This courtroom, which has been witness
to my many victories, will tomorrow

night see my greatest triumph.

They're running with the ball.

Somebody pinch me.

And I'm going to keep on working 24
hours a day,

seven days a week until Fielding is
behind bars where he belongs.

aren't as noticeable.

Hey, get your hands off my girlfriend.

What are you, a creep?

No, just a man taken for the moment by
beauty and compassion.

Oh, yeah? Well, get your own chicks.

I'm more than man enough for her.

But she speaks the truth, you twisted
little pipsqueak.

I, too, knew Dan. Fielding.

He was my idol.

Fielding, an idol?

That man is the lowest form of life on
Earth.

You're taking this Fielding thing a
little personally, aren't you, Inspector

Peppertone?

You have an unfair advantage, stranger.

You know my name. I don't know yours.

The name's... Phantom.

Phantom? Well,

Phantom.

Jean-Claude Phantom.

I'm French.

On my mother's side.

Well, what makes you think this fielding
thing is personal, Phantom?

Because three years ago, the night
before your wedding, he deflowered your

fiancée.

How do you know that?

Ah, well, the news was all over France.

If you'll excuse me now, it's time to
attack the shrimp.

I meant the appetizer, nitwit.

The lovely Christine.

begins to fall in place, the time of the
phantom

is here.

You know what I always say, Christine?

Honesty is the only policy.

Correctamundo. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

You know, I've always said that honesty
is like shellfish.

I smell shellfish.

You know, I do, too.

Well, isn't that something? We both
smell shellfish. Well, I'd say that

that's a special moment.

Yes. Yeah.

Oh, Harry, it's time to be honest. Come
on. I can't. This tap dance is killing

me.

Me, too.

The truth is, Christine, I love you. And
I love you.

Listen to me.

of the upper world prepare yourselves
and change your ways for the

Christine?

Christine!