All language subtitles for S08E12 - Its just a Joke

Red Letter Day for New York. Monty
Potter is playing five nights at the

City Center.

Who's Monty Potter?

You've never heard of the Potty Man?

He's the crown prince of comedy filth.
Yeah, he's one of those comics that

likes to shock his audience.

He's a cesspool with lips.

He's not dumping on minorities and
women. He's grabbing his crotch and

talking to his Mr. Friendly.

would actually pay money to see someone
like that.

Two tickets!

Third row center for the potty man. Read
them.

And weep.

Don't you just love a coincidence? Oh,
yeah.

What, you don't like Monty Potter?

Not as much as I like sandpaper
pantyhose.

on. You know, a lot of women find a
risque humor a turn on.

Hey, most of the women I date would love
to go to this concert.

Most of the women you date would love to
be able to spell concert.

Just forgive me if I just don't collapse
in hysterical, uncontrollable laughter.

Saving my laughter for tonight.

Well,

now you know what kind of fans the party
man has.

Sure. Women who hate themselves and
their dates.

Riddle time.

What does Ed McMahon have three of,
Shelley Winters two of, and Bull Shannon

one of?

Chins?

No.

Autobiographies.

Bull on Bull.

Real deep, real hip, real Bull.

Bull, how'd you get that book published?

Well, after 426 rejections, Random
snapped it up.

Random house?

No, random author.

Random author? They're one of those
vanity publishing houses. Bull, how much

did this cost you?

Only $11 a copy.

They said they usually charge Kurt
Vonnegut $20.

Bull, big authors don't pay to get their
books published.

Publishers pay them.

Gee, I'm glad I didn't take their movie
deal.

Sounds like I've been hoodwinked.

Depends. How many books did you buy?

Just enough to make the bestseller list.

Listen to this.

After my first rainy night on
Manhattan's mean streets, two things

became brilliantly clear.

Jane Pauley doesn't return phone calls,
and cantaloupe hats leak.

The man's a wordsmith.

I hope.

So, Dan, how was your evening with that
toilet fellow?

That potty man?

For your information, it was sick.

It was crass. It was fantastic.

You could have saved yourself a few
bucks if you had just stayed here and

read the men's room walls.

I've already committed that to memory.

Anyway, potty man's jokes were much
better.

Listen to this one.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Listen, listen.

Why did God give women legs?

So that when you're through with them,
they can leave.

Degrading women doesn't make me laugh.

You people lighten up.

It's a joke.

How can an educated man like him laugh
at such garbage?

An educated man like him wanted to make
synchronized stripping an event at the

Pan Am Games.

What's next, Mac?

Foul's on its way, sir.

As I followed the dusty road, my
father's haunting voice crept in my

ears. Ring!

Went the phone.

No, no, nobody's home.

Well, what do you think?

It was so spiritual.

The ringing was a metaphor for your
health, young days, before you were

swept away by the winds of time.

Wow, and I thought it just had to do
with a phone.

Well, here's something we don't see
every day.

Citizen's arrest.

Some hardened criminal crossed against
the light.

The story of the year.

Well, if that's all it is, it must be a
slow news day.

What the hell day to rest? The mayor?

Nope, somebody bigger.

Monty Potter.

The potty man? In the flesh, your
worship.

Hey, how you doing? Monty, Monty, care
to make a statement? Monty, Monty, how

do you feel? You mean, who do I feel?

What's going on? What's going on? I'll
tell you what's going on.

Cassabas are in season. That's what's
going on.

That's enough of that.

Mr. Prosecutor, to what do we owe the
pleasure of this special appearance by

Mr. Potter this evening?

Okay, wait.

Apparently, during Mr. Potter's
performance this evening, a crazed

audience member jumped up on stage and
made a citizen's arrest. He's claiming

that Mr. Potter's act was obscene.

Yeah, right.

As much as I am no fan of Mr. Potter's
brand of humor, this case is unfounded.

It should never have come before the
court.

Hey, honey, if I want your help, I'll
drop my drawers.

You gotta give me a trial.

This is about my right to free speech.
The clown sat on me for a half hour

screaming the holy roller crap in my
ear.

Is the complainant in court?

That would be me, sir.

The Reverend Lester Sinclair.

Oh, no, not this guy.

I've seen him on TV.

He wanted to retouch the Mona Lisa
because she looked like she was thinking

dirty thoughts.

In all my years of fighting obscenity, I
have never encountered a more lecherous,

immoral character than this sinner who
stands before you.

Is he talking about Monty or Dan?

Monty Potter! is a threat to all that is
good and pure.

He infects his audiences with his
atrocious behavior.

Uh, Reverend, Reverend, rather than
playing to the six o'clock report, would

you mind directing your comments to the
bench? I'm sorry, Your Honor, but I

truly believe that the world should know
about this. Yeah, well, know about this.

Ah, Gabriel, go blow your trumpet.
Teaser! Ha, butt-face! All right!

Much as I hate to interrupt this witty
repartee, I don't want to hear another

word out of either one of you.

If the prosecution has nothing to add
but the occasional guffaw... I'm sorry.

It cracks me up.

The people see no reason to pursue this
case, sir.

All right. If there is nothing on which
to base the decision... Aha!

But there is!

The smoking gun.

A transcript of tonight's performance.

Potter at his filthiest.

You don't expect me to read this into
the record.

Oh, what's the matter, Judge?

No guts?

Your Honor, there's really no reason to
hear this.

Poop.

Why don't you just dismiss the charges
and everybody can go on home?

Ooh, the crack of the whip.

I'm sorry, Reverend. There's no way I'm
going to read this.

Just go ahead and read it. I got nothing
to be ashamed of.

Your mama does.

Well, if it will settle this matter and
avoid wasting the court's time, I'll

read it.

Ah, goody, I finally get to use my dirty
keys.

So I met this broad in a bar.

She's got a great set of blankety
blanks.

She buys me a drink and tells me she's a
dental hygienist.

So I rinse and spit on her.

I just hope I can remember it.

So I'm in this sushi bar, and I tell the
little blankety-blank waiter that I like

my fish cooked.

He gives me this stupid stare like he
don't know English or something, so I

put my cigarette out on his tongue.

Well, I think we get the gist of your
humor, Mr. Potter.

I rest my case, Your Honor. Potter's act
is one obscenity after another.

No, it's one blankety-blank after
another.

It's also inane and stupid and witless,
but that is not a judgment. That's a

plea to get you people out of my court.

Stupidity dismissed.

Okay.

Dismissed. Your Honor, this disciple of
evil must be made accountable for his

obscenity. What about my rights? I want
justice and this clown off my back. I

want a ruling. Sorry, fellas. The
complaint department opens in the

morning. Next case, Mac.

What a waste of time.

This is a travesty of justice.

The devil has been released. Well, you
can't do this to me. If you don't rule,

this cretin will never leave me alone.

Mr. Potter, there is nothing to rule on
and there is nothing more to discuss.

Oh, what's wrong, Judge? Afraid to have
your name connected with a First

Amendment case?

That's enough, Mr. Potter.

You're a spineless. Is every other jerk
in this judicial system. What do they

call you, Judge Jello?

That is more than enough, Mr. Potter.
Now either you clear out or I will have

you held over on contempt charges.

Hey, Judge.

It's my blank.

Oh, I know what that one was.

So do I.

Say the magic word, go to jail.

Bull, lock him up.

Justice is truly ours.

Since you're going to holding, want a
good book to read?

Well, what do you think?

Amazing.

How'd you ever get Ronald Reagan to read
your book on tape?

He'll do anything for $200.

So, how many books have you sold so far,
Paul?

Well, let's see. Not carrying the ones I
gave away for free.

None.

Yes?

Well, you sold one out, big guy.

Great! Want me to autograph it for you?
Ah, no, that won't be necessary.

Excuse me, Your Honor.

Yeah! It's like a glove.

Say, you look like a woman who'd
appreciate Monty Potter.

Why is a chick like a guitar?

Oh, because you can string her along,
play her all night, and then lock her in

the closet until you want to use her
again.

Funny stuff, huh?

No

sense

of humor.

But a great sense of taste. Oh, then
what, pray tell, do you find funny?

Pollyanna?

Well... I did get a giggle when I read
Family Circus this morning.

It had the little boy running into the
house saying, Mommy, it's raining cats

and dogs, and I just stepped in a
poodle.

Got some messages here for you, sir.

Oh, more of the same? Yeah, three bomb
threats, offer to speak at two revival

meetings, and an invitation to a Klan
sock-off.

Ever since I locked up the potty man,
he's been nothing but trouble.

Oh, maybe you should let him out, sir. I
think you've made your point.

I can't yet.

It's almost like he wanted to be put in
jail.

I don't know. There's something strange
about this whole thing.

Muncie putters behind bars where he
belongs.

The hound of hell has been muzzled.

I think I just figured out what it is.

The smoking gun.

Reverend.

Get this, the filth busters, arm and
arm.

No picture. Don't be self-conscious,
judge.

Everyone's photogenic in God's eyes.

Reverend, I want to speak with you.

Be back in a minute.

You know, it's really amazing.

Amazing that you were able to record
Monty Potter's act and get it typed in

so short a time.

I was blessed with an incredible typist.
Ah.

Ah, yeah. She was obviously blessed with
the talent to type 8,000 words a minute.

Yeah, what are you implying?

You stopped the show at 8.30 and you
were in my court by 9.

Potter must have given you this material
before the show.

That is preposterous. What could I
possibly gain from that?

A little cash in the collection plate?

Admit it.

You and Potter stir up the press.

He sells tickets.

Your donations go up.

That is an outrageous accusation and
untrue.

But... If it were, is it prosecutable?

Oh, yeah.

It's collusion.

With a capital C, and that rhymes with
P.

And that stands for prison.

You can't threaten me.

I am a minister.

By the way, Reverend, where exactly...

I thought I might like to attend a
service.

Well, we don't exactly have services.

It's a post office box, isn't it?

A very big post office box.

You're a fraud, and I want you out of
here.

And if I ever hear you and Potter doing
anything like this again, I'm going to

share this conversation with your
friends there.

Get out of Dodge, Reverend.

Bless you, Your Honor.

Here he is, Your Honor.

Thanks, Bull. Go easy on him. He
appreciates good literature.

And they call me a menace to society.

Wow.

So how are the accommodations, Mr.
Potter?

Fine.

Kind of like the solitude. You know,
this is the first quiet time I've had in

weeks, but... I'm ready to get sprung.

Now, I'm wondering if I'm sold out
tomorrow night, too.

Well, with all the publicity you
generated tonight, I imagine you are.

Then it was worth it.

Yeah.

Pretty slick, the way you and the
Reverend pulled this off.

He spilled it?

Oh, jeez.

You can't even trust a minister these
days.

You're not steamed?

Yeah, no, I appreciate a...
Well-thought-out public relations scam

as much as the next guy?

You know, you're pretty hip, Judge. How
about you and a date come by tomorrow,

house seats?

Actually, I was hoping you might do your
act for me right now.

I got a packed room waiting for you out
there.

No, I don't usually do freebies. You
know, this full house of yours tomorrow

night isn't going to mean much if you're
still locked up in a holding cell.

Lead on, your lordship.

Thank you.

Thank you. Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen.

Welcome to Harry's Litigation Lounge.

Tonight, held over until I say he can
go.

broad from attacking you pretend you're
a salad marty i forgot something yeah

yeah i was out the other night with this
iranian broad right and i'm walking down

this whoa whoa what

are you doing just turning on the light
so you can see your audience hey uh i

don't need to endure this well hey yeah
hit the my doll honey where where are

you running off to anyway The house will
be open all night for a working girl

like you.

Chrissy, it's just a joke. For your
information, I'm going home to take care

of my son. I'm sorry, Harry.

We'll help you.

Hey, pal, now we know why women get
cramps, right?

They deserve them.

Anyway,

it's great to be back in New York.

I like to pick up chicks late at night.

I got a great opening line.

Don't scream or I'll shoot.

Violence isn't funny.

It's sick.

Well, you know what? He doesn't really
mean it. Hey, pal, I'm a single.

I work alone.

Shut up.

Hey, Judge, how about we kill the house
lights?

How about you kill us with some of your
jokes?

All right, sister.

Nice to see some black faces in the
crowd.

You know what it says to me?

It says we better get more security
around here.

Actually, I am security around here.

And I prefer African American to black.

So go ahead, potty man.

Okay, fine.

What do they call an African-American in
a suit and tie?

The defendant.

Roger, no. I know, it's just part of the
act. You didn't like that one?

All right, wait a minute, I got another
one. What do you call an African

-American in uniform?

A veteran?

Well, yeah, that too, but...

See?

See, it's funny. The blind guy laughed.

I was just wondering if you look as
stupid as you sound.

This isn't fair. I mean, my timing's all
off, and this isn't my crowd.

Actually, this is your crowd, Monty.

We found most of these folks waiting in
line to buy tickets to tomorrow night's

show.

Why are you persecuting me?

I'm an entertainer. I give the audience
what they want.

What you give them is a feeling of
superiority over other people.

It's satire.

No, Monty.

Don't you see what's happening here?

You're feeding off the dark side of
people, man.

And you know it's wrong.

Because it can't take the light.

Oh, come on.

You people.

It's all men's fun.

Well, I think the party man has learned
to rationalize.

Let's say goodnight to him, huh?

Yeah, well, I guess you think you made
some kind of big...

point, huh, Judge?

Monty, if anyone made a point tonight, I
would say it's you.

Oh, yeah, well, I got a big point for
your mother next time I see your work in

the corner. How do you like that?

All right, wait.

You know something? I've been defending
you all week long, saying that he's just

poking fun at cultural differences.

But you're just a cheap shot artist and
nothing more.

Yeah, you know why you don't like me?

Because you're a homo.

And all homos hate me.

I'm a what?

Oh, come on. It's obvious, pal. I mean,
and anyone could see it. I mean, look at

his suit.

Exactly.

The poofy hair.

The only thing missing is a Judy Garland
fan club button.

you even like show tunes what i like
show tunes

and i don't like you well gotta go bye

well i don't know about you folks but
i've had enough fanaticism for one night

huh