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1
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LOUD SCREAM
2
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,799
"This week, the contestants
have to prove why
3
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:16,520
"they should become Lord Sugar's
business partner."
4
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,879
Her eyes are terrifying.
5
00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:22,159
She scared the shit out of me this
morning,
6
00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:24,799
but she's completely fixed my neck.
7
00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:29,039
It was the perfect opportunity to
correct your C7 nerve compression.
8
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,439
I thought you were going to kill me.
9
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,160
I'd never kill you, Sue.
10
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:36,199
Aw.
11
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:37,799
You should have told me
you were coming round
12
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:39,999
because I'd have got some food in.
13
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,959
We just wanted to say hi,
14
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:47,079
and see how things
were going with Linda.
15
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:48,520
And also...
16
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,279
...it's kind of a big day.
17
00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:57,239
Renee is... I'm being awarded
my brown belt in BJJ!
18
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,280
Congratulations, Renee!
19
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,439
It's a really big deal.
20
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,999
It means I can start coaching
students.
21
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,840
And, you know, Chris even said that
I can instruct without him there.
22
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,800
A-Are you still training with Chris?
23
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,999
I can't stop him
teaching in the gym.
24
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,319
What am I meant to do?
Change instructors?
25
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,399
Wow. That's pretty controlling.
26
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:25,439
In case you're lost, Linda,
Chris is the instructor Renee
27
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,160
was having an affair with.
28
00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,479
Oh, dear, poor Michael.
29
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:31,839
How humiliating.
30
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I-I-I'm fine.
31
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,159
Where is Chris now?
32
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,279
I don't know. He's probably
with his family.
33
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,119
With his mother and father?
34
00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:40,239
No. With his wife and kids.
35
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:41,999
Was it just a fling for Chris?
36
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:45,399
A bit of how's your father, a knee
trembler, a bit on the side...
37
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:49,679
J-J-Just shut up, Linda.
We've dealt with all of this.
38
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:53,759
My family are coming to see me
get awarded my new belt
39
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,439
and we're all going to go
for dinner afterwards.
40
00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:57,839
Can you come, too?
41
00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,360
I can't today, sorry.
42
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:01,839
Why, Sue?
43
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,839
Because we're busy.
44
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:07,399
What are we doing today, Sue?
We don't do anything.
45
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,159
Tomorrow, nothing.
46
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,119
Thursday, nothing.
47
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,679
Friday, nothing.
48
00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,519
We're definitely doing something.
49
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,879
Don't worry. It's fine.
50
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:22,039
I just wanted the whole family there
because it's taken me
51
00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:23,920
three years to achieve this.
52
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:39,719
Perhaps a joke would lighten
the mood. A rabbi, a Boy Scout
53
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,599
and a showgirl
are on a crashing plane...
54
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,759
Do you know what?
W-We should actually be going.
55
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,439
I've got a client at nine.
56
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,039
Good to see you again, Sue.
57
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:48,559
Likewise.
58
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:52,319
I know you don't really like Renee,
but pretending you're busy...
59
00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:53,639
I'm not pretending.
60
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:54,879
Oh, come on. Busy doing what?
61
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,239
You don't even have a job.
You've NEVER had a job!
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00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,159
My job was raising you
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00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,679
and caring for your father.
64
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,039
Renee's whole family
is going to be there.
65
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,559
I just wanted you there, too.
66
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:10,079
Because a brown belt
represents dedication,
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00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,320
mastery of technique
and true leadership.
68
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:20,039
Because a brown belt represents...
Dedication. ..dedication...
69
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:24,159
...mastery... of technique
and true leadership.
70
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:25,200
Yeah?
71
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:33,920
Fancy thinking I don't do anything!
72
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,639
What are we doing now, Sue?
73
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,680
Don't know.
Might buy some sausages.
74
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,079
All because I never had a job.
75
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:48,439
My family was my job and I did it
very well, thank you very much!
76
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:49,959
I'm not useless!
77
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,959
Hey, Eileen, are you OK?
78
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,199
Tom's got food poisoning.
79
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,359
He ate a bag of rancid potpourri,
80
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,439
stupid berk. Thought
they were vegetable crisps.
81
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,919
Oh, is he OK? Yeah,
82
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:05,519
he's just thick as shit.
He was supposed to work today
83
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,599
so I could go to my Aunt Shelley's
birthday party.
84
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,479
Your aunt? Yeah. She's 108.
85
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,879
I'm cancelling this taxi.
86
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:14,839
She'll be so disappointed.
87
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,039
I'm sorry.
88
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,920
I wish there was something
I could do.
89
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,679
Well, actually, maybe I COULD help.
90
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,039
LAUGHS
91
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,439
I mean, um, you're injured, Sue.
92
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:29,279
It's a charity shop,
not the World Cup.
93
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,119
Have you ever worked in a shop?
94
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,440
Well, I've seen you do it
1,000 times.
95
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:38,439
Tom can do it, and
you just said he's as thick as shit.
96
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:41,399
And I've got Linda.
97
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:42,839
Yes.
98
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:46,159
Sue, it will be like the shop
challenge on The Apprentice.
99
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,679
I can do this.
100
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:50,999
And if it works out, then I can
come and help you in the shop.
101
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,919
The lock can be a bit dicky.
102
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,999
Oh, and there's a shelves
delivery at midday.
103
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,839
All you've got to do is
be in the shop, really.
104
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,559
OK.
105
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:04,039
You're not going in one of those
driverless things are you?
106
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,039
Course not. They're deathtraps.
107
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:09,080
HORN TOOTS
BRAKES SQUEAL
108
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:13,920
All right, Eileen? Yeah!
109
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:16,639
Hi, Sue!
110
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:20,119
Hi, Brian! I didn't know you were
still a...
111
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,639
I mean, I thought you'd retired.
112
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,079
Retire? No, not me.
Oh, good for you.
113
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,439
Bloody good show, I say.
114
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:30,479
Eileen, for God's sake,
wear your seat belt.
115
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,439
Relax. Brian's been driving me
116
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:36,479
around in this shit heap
for nearly 40 years.
117
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,519
And I've only been
sober for the last five.
118
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,359
EILEEN LAUGHS
See you, love.
119
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:42,640
CREAKING
120
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:54,319
Linda, I haven't had a job
since before Michael was born.
121
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,319
Do you think that'll be a problem?
122
00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,079
Yes.
123
00:05:58,080 --> 00:05:59,400
Great.
124
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:05,440
FALTERING GUITAR RIFF
125
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,680
RIFF STARTS AGAIN
126
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,400
DOOR OPENS
Hi.
127
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:29,879
Are you angry?
128
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,800
No. No, I'm not angry.
129
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:36,999
Why can't you train
with another instructor?
130
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,199
Professor.
Because Chris is brilliant.
131
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,799
He came third in the Wessex Open.
132
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,239
What, is that a big competition?
133
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,680
It's the Wimbledon of BJJ.
134
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:50,639
I know you've got a lot of
trust issues, but so do I.
135
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,799
If anything, you pushed me
into cheating
136
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,399
by spending so much time away.
137
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:58,079
I was with my mum
because my dad just died!
138
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,719
We can spend all day
trying to figure out who did what.
139
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:04,239
You had an affair.
And I ended it.
140
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:05,440
Because I love you.
141
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,839
If anything, my affair was
the best thing I ever did for us.
142
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,399
Oh, t...
143
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,679
T-Take that down.
144
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,719
I'm a personal trainer, OK?
145
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,159
BJJ is where I meet my PT clients.
146
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,639
More people come to class,
more clients for me.
147
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,839
Chris is actually a really
sweet guy.
148
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,199
A really sweet guy? After you two...
149
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,519
PLAYING STOPS
150
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,360
PLAYING CONTINUES
151
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,000
PHONE CLICKS
152
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:44,880
MOBILE ALERT
153
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:48,520
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
154
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,160
That's really vulgar.
155
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,039
Still coming to my presentation?
156
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,799
I-I don't know.
157
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,360
I'm just really busy today.
158
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:03,159
There's nothing to be scared of.
I'm not scared of that knobhead!
159
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:04,920
Please don't tell him I said that.
160
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,079
Shit, you're going to
tell him I said that.
161
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,759
D-Do you know what? I don't care if
you tell him.
162
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,519
Please don't tell him.
163
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:13,800
I've got to go.
164
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,360
I really want you there.
165
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,280
PLAYING STOPS
166
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,479
Can I try the Gibson?
167
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,559
Oh, what?
168
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,959
The vintage Gibson Super 400?
169
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,199
Do you have £13,000?
170
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,680
SCOFFS
No. Then, no.
171
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,679
Loser.
Dickhead!
172
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:37,680
DISCORDANT STRUMMING
173
00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,999
This job is a piece of piss.
174
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,559
I don't know why Eileen was
acting like it was some big deal.
175
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:59,279
There are many, many
copies of this man's books.
176
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,439
And technically he's a giant.
177
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,279
Help me with this, will you?
We're clearing out the loft.
178
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:10,479
Madelaine's pregnant! We're going
to be grandparents, again,
179
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:11,959
so you know what that means.
180
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,279
It means that,
when Madelaine was ovulating,
181
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,679
a male sexual partner
ejaculated inside her vagina.
182
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:20,039
It means more sleepovers!
183
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,439
Oh, yes, that makes sense. Ah, yes.
184
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,399
Oh! What kind of fur is this?
185
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:28,319
Now that is real silk monkey.
186
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,839
I'm only giving it away
because Madelaine says it makes me
187
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:32,679
look like a lady of the night.
188
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,119
I think Linda might look
lovely in it.
189
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:36,959
Let's see.
190
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,759
Hmm. The monkey pelt matches my wig.
191
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,959
HE LAUGHS
She is wonderful, isn't she?
192
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,919
You can't buy those now you know -
193
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,359
they've been hunted to extinction.
Oh.
194
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,959
Sue, stand back.
There is a live firearm.
195
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,119
HE LAUGHS
Stick 'em up!
196
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,159
THEY BOTH LAUGH
197
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:59,399
No, that's from
when Jeffery used to smoke.
198
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:00,760
It's a cigarette lighter.
199
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,200
It is a joke.
200
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:08,080
Beautiful and funny. A real rarity.
201
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:12,239
Right then. Come on, Jeffery.
202
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,239
Thank you for the donations.
203
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:17,559
Oh! What, you're working here?
204
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,639
Yes, I am. Aw!
205
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:23,439
Well, I think it's terrific
that you're trying to learn
206
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,879
a new skill - at your age.
207
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,359
We're the same age.
208
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,559
Good job you've got your
little robot friend to help you!
209
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,679
Everything I touch turns to sold.
210
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:33,880
Jeffery!
211
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,839
Why does everybody think
I can't do this?
212
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,080
Nobody ever comes in this shop.
213
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:44,760
I'm not surprised.
214
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,440
Linda, come and help me.
215
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:52,920
Penny did it.
216
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,679
Michael.
217
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,560
GRUNTS AND STRAINS
218
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,279
Michael? Michael!
219
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:12,399
Hmm? Oh, sorry I can't help with the
amps.
220
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,559
I've pinched a nerve in my G8.
221
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:18,119
Look, I just want to give you a
heads up - I'm reducing your shifts.
222
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,879
Why? Well, when you left...
223
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,559
I-I didn't leave.
224
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:25,559
I had a full nervous breakdown
when my marriage fell apart.
225
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,399
Yeah, you made that very clear.
226
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,399
Anyway, I-I'm making some changes.
227
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,719
There's a new employee
starting next week.
228
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:35,959
Mark, Mark. I really
appreciate you taking me back.
229
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,959
It's the least I could do
after you threatened me
230
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,919
with legal action
under the Mental Health Act.
231
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:41,479
Yeah, true.
232
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,639
Well, it will not happen again.
233
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,559
Me and Renee, we're in
a really good place now.
234
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,919
Gosh, that's wonderful,
I'm really rooting for you guys.
235
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:52,079
I'm going to move the rest of the
amplifiers. Mark, Mark.
236
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,799
I know it's a big ask,
but, um,
237
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,559
could I finish early today?
238
00:11:56,560 --> 00:12:00,319
I don't know. If you go,
who's going to stare at the bin?
239
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,039
FORCED LAUGH
240
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:03,559
Does that mean I can?
241
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,919
Sure. You're the best.
Can I go NOW?
242
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,239
Honestly, it makes very little
difference
243
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,759
whether you're here or not.
244
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,080
Thank you so much.
245
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:15,720
Thanks, Mark!
246
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,400
DING
247
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,160
Our first customer.
248
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,359
I suppose
I should go and speak to them.
249
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,120
Yes, Sue, you should speak to them.
250
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,079
Why am I so nervous?
251
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,879
It's not difficult.
252
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,479
According to Lord Sugar's
autobiography,
253
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,759
the best way to meet people
is to smile and ask a question.
254
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,200
Right.
255
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:00,999
Hello.
256
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,639
How much do you weigh?
257
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:03,679
What?!
258
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:08,279
She means... Do you enjoy
the music of Tina Turner?
259
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,360
Yes, I do, actually.
260
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,199
How much is this bag?
261
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:15,920
Let me check that for you.
262
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,639
Er... shall we say £10?
263
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,279
£10! It's a deal!
264
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,199
It's a deal.
265
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,480
I'll give you seven.
266
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,280
Eight.
267
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,200
Eight. Yes!
268
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,599
Thank you!
LAUGHS
269
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,319
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
270
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,239
Oh! That was intense.
271
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:46,239
I thought to myself, "She is
definitely going to bid seven."
272
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,239
So I thought, "OK, Sue, don't blink
273
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,960
"and keep your head on a swivel!"
274
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,239
Oh...
275
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,440
Thank you.
276
00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,879
Enjoy your bag.
277
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,720
Thank you. Bye.
278
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,679
Linda, here's our next customer!
279
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,799
Oh, the delivery's here.
280
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,959
You look after this lovely lady,
give her everything she needs,
281
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,240
and I'll be back in a minute.
282
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,239
Hello.
283
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,279
Do you enjoy
the films of Guy Ritchie?
284
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,280
Y-Yes. Yes.
285
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,240
DING
286
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,919
Thank you very much. Thank you.
287
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:38,680
Thank you, Linda, you take that.
288
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,599
Linda, do you have the key?
289
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:50,919
I do not have the key.
290
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,159
I told you stay in the shop.
291
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,959
Would you feel better
if I apologised?
292
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,479
Linda, door, open.
293
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,720
BANGS DOOR
294
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,679
It is still locked.
295
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,119
Well, don't you have one of those
universal key things
296
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,999
on your finger or something?
No.
297
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,039
Sue, do you have your phone?
Oh, yes. Yes. I have.
298
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,239
Search locksmiths in your area.
299
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:19,479
No!
300
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,399
No-one need know about this.
301
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,959
There must be some way
of getting in.
302
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:28,600
It's a charity shop for God's sake,
not Alcatraz.
303
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,479
Linda, can you climb?
Yes, Sue, I can climb.
304
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:40,839
Good. I want you to climb up
that drainpipe, get through that
305
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,879
open window, go downstairs and
let me in through the front door.
306
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:45,920
Go!
307
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,840
Can you go quicker?
308
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,959
Eileen'll be home any minute.
309
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,679
She hates parties.
310
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:59,719
♪ Happy birthday, dear Shelley
311
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:03,000
♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪
312
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,960
BANG
313
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:09,679
Warning, Sue.
314
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,039
I am descending rapidly.
315
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,319
Oh...
316
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,279
The drainpipe is now broken.
317
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:16,599
Damn it, Linda!
318
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,559
Sue, you are getting very stressed.
319
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,119
Cos you're not being any help!
320
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:23,200
Sue, I am struggling to see what
you have brought to the table.
321
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,839
Somebody must live on that
floor up there.
322
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,039
We must be able to
get their attention.
323
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,119
Grab a pebble and we...
GLASS SMASHES
324
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,560
Oh!
325
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,519
You're here!
326
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,799
Of course I am.
327
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:58,280
I told you I'm not scared.
328
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,759
But I'm not going to talk to him.
329
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,279
And I'm not going to call
him professor.
330
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:05,999
All right, well, you're really
early -
331
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,159
I don't get awarded
my belt until after class.
332
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,519
Yeah, I got off early.
333
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,119
Cos I-I realised
334
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,039
that I've never watched you train.
335
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,719
That's really unsupportive.
336
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,439
Are you here to keep an eye on me?
337
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,799
No.
338
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:20,479
Cos it's kind of sexy, if you are.
339
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:21,999
Really? Mmm.
340
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,759
Yes. Yes! You are MY woman!
341
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,159
What? Sorry.
342
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,639
Hey, guys.
343
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,319
Professor Chris.
344
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:30,680
So good to see you.
345
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:33,559
Professor Chris.
346
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,919
Please, call me Chris.
347
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:38,839
So... you're finally going to
train with us, huh?
348
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,159
I'd give you, like, six months free.
349
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,640
Least I can do.
For having sex with my wife?
350
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:46,839
Yeah.
351
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,079
See, Michael, I told you -
it's cool.
352
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,719
Yeah, you know, I get a good
workout in the shop.
353
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,639
Lifting amps, guitars.
354
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,039
Ah, that's a pretty sweet gig, man.
355
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,879
You know, I play a bit myself.
356
00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,119
Oh, what have you got?
357
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:01,919
I'm a bit of a Gibson nut.
358
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,599
I just splashed out on another
Super 400.
359
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,239
Oof. Such a rich tone.
360
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:08,800
CAR HORN BEEPS
361
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,559
Lola drives me everywhere now.
362
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,879
She knows all my phone's passcodes.
363
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,199
We're doing a lot of intimacy
rebuilding.
364
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,479
Oh, yeah. Yeah, so are we.
365
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:24,999
Are we? Yes.
366
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,160
Ah, man, you and me...
367
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,039
...we're no different.
368
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:33,159
We're men.
Nature designed us to hunt,
369
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:34,880
conquer and, if necessary...
370
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,359
...kill.
371
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:38,479
Right, Mike?
372
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,559
Yeah.
CAR HORN BLARES
373
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:44,760
Looks like the boss wants me
to keep moving.
374
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,680
See you in there.
375
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,120
Oss! Oss!
376
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,600
Oh, after you.
377
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,719
Are my champions ready to sweat?!
378
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,159
Oss!
Oss!
379
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,599
OK, good.
380
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,599
Today is a big day.
381
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,719
We've got a few warriors ready
to graduate to their next belt.
382
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,599
It's a massive achievement.
383
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,559
But first, we train!
384
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:29,599
Oss!
385
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,799
Now, we're going to start with
a warm-up that focuses
386
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,200
on opening out the hips.
Can I borrow...
387
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,559
...Renee? This stretch is brilliant
388
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,879
for hamstring and hip mobility.
389
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,999
Renee, can you please lay down?
390
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,720
OK, can you raise your left leg?
391
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:51,439
Now we're going to scoop with our
bicep right under the hamstring.
392
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,560
Like this. And breathe out.
393
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,919
Yeah? Yeah.
It feels really good. Good.
394
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,519
And now the other leg.
395
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,360
Scoop, push.
396
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,959
Good. You know,
your hips have really opened up
397
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,959
since we started working together.
Thank you.
398
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,479
OK, everyone.
399
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:14,919
HE CLAPS
Let's go!
400
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,280
Oh, God, here she comes.
401
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,519
I feel like an idiot.
402
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,199
You are not an idiot.
403
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,079
I have assessed your problem-solving
and cognitive function.
404
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:29,439
You have an IQ of between 119-122.
405
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,879
Am I a genius?
406
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:33,639
Absolutely not. Oh.
407
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,959
At the end of the day,
people have to realise,
408
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,839
if you travel,
bedbugs are the price you pay.
409
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,839
All right, Sue? Hiya.
410
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,759
Oh, I need some more
customer reviews.
411
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,519
Preferably ones above the
two stars I'm getting at the moment.
412
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,719
Would you mind?
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Lovely.
413
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,759
Oh, and don't mention I got lost
and had four pints at lunch.
414
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,159
Or that I ran out of petrol
415
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,599
and we had to walk the last 2km.
OK?
416
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,680
Bye, Sue.
What you doing out here?
417
00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:00,039
Got locked out.
You idiot!
418
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,879
It's all right.
I've got a spare set.
419
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,639
Don't worry.
420
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,519
At least you got the delivery.
421
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,119
Yeah.
422
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,599
We got the delivery,
423
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,359
and then it was stolen.
424
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:14,039
Oh.
After we broke the drainpipe.
425
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,639
Oh.
And then we smashed a window.
426
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,479
Oh. We went round the back
427
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,639
to try and break in and that's
428
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,919
when the delivery was stolen.
429
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,279
I take full responsibility
for the failure of this task.
430
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,200
But we did dress the window.
431
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:30,719
How was the party?
432
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,439
Oh, pretty depressing.
433
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,319
But it meant a lot to
Auntie Shelley that I showed up.
434
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,919
I am the only family she has left.
435
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:41,239
Sue, that is like you and Michael.
She didn't want to be alone today.
436
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,879
That is like you and Michael.
437
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,839
And if you can't count on family...
438
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,520
That is like you and Michael.
439
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:54,359
I-I'm sorry, Eileen, would you mind
if I left work early today?
440
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:56,359
Only there's somewhere I need to be.
441
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,319
I think it's best you go, yeah.
442
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,639
Oh, and what do you think
about me working here?
443
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:03,680
God, no!
444
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,919
APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS
You are missing out on a massive
445
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,719
opportunity by firing Sue.
446
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,159
I never hired her.
447
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:16,799
You'll regret this!
448
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,960
This isn't the last
you'll hear of Sue!
449
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:22,399
Bloody robots!
450
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,080
OK, everyone, gather round.
451
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,919
I want us
to work on some self-defence today.
452
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,120
I want you to imagine
it's late at night.
453
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,360
You're in Tesco doing a quick shop.
454
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,119
You're buying milk, cereal...
455
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:41,599
Some potatoes?
456
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,199
Excellent. Well done, Renee.
457
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,279
Some basil?
458
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,839
No.
459
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:49,839
You're leaving the shop...
460
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,320
...and someone comes at you.
461
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:54,599
Elliott.
462
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,520
OK, Elliott,
I want you to come at me.
463
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,719
Tss!
464
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,200
Come at me like a man.
465
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:10,879
Well done, Elliott.
466
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,920
Great effort for your first class.
467
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:19,720
HE SCOFFS
468
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,799
You all right, Mike? Hmm?
469
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,359
Yep! Yeah!
470
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,759
Sounded like you said something.
471
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:27,800
Nope.
472
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:30,919
Good. OK, then. Everyone.
473
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,559
It just looked a bit unfair.
474
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,840
Because Elliott
looks like a dipshit loser?
475
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,679
Let me tell you something -
every person who puts on a uniform
476
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,840
and joins this class
has my total respect.
477
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,839
They're all warriors.
478
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,480
They don't sit on the sidelines.
479
00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:00,440
OK! Yes!
Everyone, welcome Michael!
480
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,479
Hi, everyone.
481
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,280
Hi, Chris.
It's Professor.
482
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,239
Out there, it's Chris. It's...
483
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,159
In here, it's Professor.
484
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,840
It's all right. You'll get
the hang of it! Have a seat.
485
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,800
OK, the basics.
486
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:26,439
Argh! Can you all see that,
no matter what he does,
487
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:28,239
he cannot break this hold?
488
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:31,039
If I exert a little more pressure...
489
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:34,719
Argh! Professor Chris,
please, that really hurts!
490
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:35,959
Really hurts.
491
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,919
Linda, do something.
492
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,039
What would you like me to do, Sue?
493
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,639
Stop him!
494
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,400
Yes, Sue.
495
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,159
Please get off Michael.
496
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,559
I will get off Michael
once he breaks this hold!
497
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,719
Please get off Michael.
498
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,039
Gun!
SCREAMING
499
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,799
It is a joke. It is a joke.
500
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,879
Robots.
501
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,599
Taser! Taser! Taser!
502
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,160
Argh!
CRACKLING
503
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,119
Jeffrey said the joke is humorous
504
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:10,239
because it appears to
be a live firearm.
505
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:11,919
This is all Jeffrey's fault.
506
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:13,679
Renee worked for years
to get this belt!
507
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:15,799
This was meant to be her day.
508
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:16,919
You could've killed him.
509
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,279
I used a low amperage.
510
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:19,639
And, I didn't need its help.
511
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,840
I was just about to smash his ass!
512
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:24,959
L-Let's go, babe.
513
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,159
I'll talk to you later, Mum.
CAR CHIRPS
514
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,480
But you need to keep your robot
under control!
515
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,799
I'm still good at my job.
516
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,439
Yes, you are, Sue.
517
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,279
In fact, you are very good.
518
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:43,640
Thank you, Linda.
519
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,639
We are talking about your job
as a mother.
520
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,399
That's right, Linda.
521
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,719
Not your job in the charity shop.
522
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:52,919
No.
523
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,240
Because that was
a complete shitshow.
524
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,840
TOY PLAYS TUNE
525
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:08,880
Wow!
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We really do have
a lot of Richard Osman books.
36759
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