All language subtitles for s07e17_-_the_talk_show

It is my opinion that repeated
prosecution of those labeled deviant can

result in stigmatization, thus
perpetuating the cycle of antisocial

behavior. Fascinating.

Mr. Fielding.

Mr.

Fielding. What? Huh?

Oh, sorry.

Anybody find out where that awful
droning sound is coming from?

No. Now, just where do you stand on
capital punishment?

Well, I say, why give murderers a chair
when this bozo can bore them to death?

And that's all the time we have for this
week's Face the Issues.

Gee, Dan, how'd you get to be on a neat
show like that?

I met the producer at a gathering of
fellow professionals.

You told me you picked her up at a
singles bar on tequila fizz night.

All right, but she still wouldn't have
had me on the show if I hadn't impressed

her with my charm, poison, magnetic
personality.

So you two haven't actually slept
together.

Before this gets personal, what do you
say we go start session?

Guys, guys, guys, wait, wait, wait.

I want you to hear a tape of my baby.

Sounds like he's doing a drum solo on
your kidneys.

That's his heartbeat, sir.

Well, he sure is a high-strung little
sucker.

No, that's normal, Roz.

Gosh, it is so exciting knowing that
there's a real live little person

growing inside me.

Yeah, at least you got some warning.

Imagine that poor guy an alien.

There he was having a little spaghetti
with friends when kapow!

reptile came bursting out of his
stomach, dragging the guy's intestines

behind him.

What'd I say?

And so, Mr. Taylor, for practicing
taxidermy without a license, I'm going

to fine you 200 bucks, plus whatever it
costs to restore Mrs.

Hudson's late poodle to his original
appearance.

And that's lunch.

Scarf it down and hope it stays.

Don't worry. The two of you can still
have hours of fun.

I'm glad I caught you. Ah, Margo, what a
surprise.

Christine, this is Margo Hunter, the
producer of the TV show I was on. Oh,

hi, nice to meet you.

Christine is our expectant little mommy.

Really? Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

So, Dan, have you got a minute?

Yeah, sure, but that means no foreplay.

Oh, man, not now.

As if I didn't have enough to do.

Mac, it's just one file.

I take it downstairs myself, but...

Gee, I'm the judge.

No, no, no, no, no. Personnel wants me
to do another one of those stupid

manpower surveys.

Again? Yeah, and I'm supposed to start
my vacation in five days.

Well, relax, Mac.

You know, I just do my job, you know? I
don't complain. I don't ask for

anything. Just good old happy Mac. And I
guess nobody thinks I need a vacation.

I want you to have your damn vacation.

Come on, Mac. Now, I'll talk to Joyce
down in personnel. I'll tell her all

this paperwork is a crock of hooey.
We'll send her a box of chocolate

-covered cherries and voila.

Well, thanks, Eric, because to tell the
truth, this trip is more important to

Kwan Lee. We're going on what you might
call a religious pilgrimage.

Where are you going, Jerusalem?

The Graceland.

So exactly why do you want to pull the
plug on Face the Issues?

Because I want to replace it with
something better. Something tough,

gritty, controversial.

And I want you to host it.

Moi?

Think about it, Dan.

Who watches late night television?

Offhand people with no chance of getting
lucky.

Right. I want you to be a mouthpiece for
that poor lonely guy who thinks he

doesn't count. I want you to tap into
his infinite rage.

To be his champion.

What do you say?

Champion.

I like that.

You know, I've always felt I had
something important to say about life.

You think I'd get my teeth bonded and
write it off?

Absolutely.

Then I'm your guy.

This is fantastic.

We are ready to roll as soon as we line
up some guests.

Oh, God.

I'm so excited. I can hardly breathe.

Well, maybe I should loosen some of that
restrictive clothing for you.

Sorry, Dan.

I never fool around during
pre-production.

Sir. Oh, sir.

Need your signature on these warrants.

Okay. Yeah.

Well, I guess this time tomorrow you're
going to be peeking through those gates

at Graceland. Yeah.

Actually, Quan Lee got us the VIP tour
package.

No. Yeah.

Really? Uh-huh.

Tomorrow we get to see a collection of
Elvis' concert towels and an exhibit of

his dental x-rays.

You think I wasted all that money going
to Rome? Yeah.

Judge Stone.

Hi, Joyce. What is it?

I have to return your chocolate-covered
cherries, Judge.

He broke me.

Huh? Mr. Dix, my supervisor, he wanted
to know why your manpower survey wasn't

in, and, well, frankly, I'd run out of
excuses.

I had to resort to, um, the truth.

Uh-oh.

And now he's gonna fire me unless
Robinson has this survey on my desk in

two days.

Harry, there's at least 40 hours of work
there.

Don't panic, folks. I'm sure I can
reason with Mr. Dick. Oh, no, no, no.

You'll think I put you up to it. Joyce,
why don't you let me handle this?

Why don't you just get off your butts
and do the stinking survey?

Oh, Christine, have I got a surprise for
you.

You had yourself spayed?

That's exactly why I want you to be a
guest on my first show tonight.

Who backed out?

All right, all right. Some flaky
environmentalist with a lame excuse

about going to wash off some oily duck.

You know, talk about selfish. Ain't it
the truth?

Listen, Margot's talking about
postponing the show unless I find

someone. I would consider it a personal
favor.

Oh, gee, I don't know.

TV? Come on, we'd be great together.

Absolutely. Two friendly adversaries
debating the essential issues of our

system of justice.

Well, all right.

It might be interesting.

Anyway, I'm flattered that you think of
me as a worthy advocate.

Absolutely.

Oh, wear a short skirt.

Come on, Miss Sullivan, you can tell us.
Surely you've had clients you regretted

defending.

Well, once there was this young man, and
he was brought in for shoplifting some

gum. And I knew he was innocent.

So I used everything in my arsenal to
get him off, and I did.

And when I turned to say goodbye, I
smelled spearmint on his breath.

And I knew I'd been had.

Well, you never know, do you?

A what?

Oh, now?

Okay. We'll be right back with more In
Your Face right after this commercial.

This is fun!

Dan, can we talk a moment?

Yeah, sure. Excuse me, Christine?

Sure.

So, how we doing?

You tell me.

We're just getting rolling here. Well,
where is the drive?

Where is the...

that jerk in the singles bar that tossed
beer nuts down my blouse.

I remember.

Dan, I want you to crank up the heat.

I want you to sizzle. I want you hot and
lathered like a racehorse.

Now, get out there and take off the
glove.

In five, four, three, two, we're back
with defense attorney, Christine

Sullivan.

You know, Dan, as long as we're talking
about interesting cases, there was

something I was hoping we could talk
about. You know, Miss Sullivan, why

don't we just cut to the chase?

What? Do you always walk around the
courtroom with your skirt flapping open

like that?

Dan.

I mean, not that I blame you. I mean,
every lawyer, you've got to use whatever

edge you can get. I mean, I can't fault
you for using your sexuality.

Oh, how do you know I never used my
sexuality?

Oh, no?

How do you suppose she got pregnant?

I thought we were here to talk about my
job, not my private life.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

She's right.

She's right. If anything, we should be
proud of her to be able to carry on a

career at the same time starting a
family.

Thank you. You're very welcome.

I just have one question.

How much bigger can those puppies get?

I knew it. I just knew this.

She's right.

I shouldn't have called them puppies.

I should have called them St.

Bernard's!

Oh, Miss Sullivan, I was wondering if
you'd have a mind filling out the

questions on this survey?

What do they want to know? When I'm in
court, do I purposely wiggle my bottom?

No, but there's room at the end for any
additional comments.

Sorry, sir. It's just that I was
publicly humiliated on Dan's show last

night. Oh, that's right. Yeah, Mac and I
were working so hard we didn't get a

chance to watch. What happened?

I don't want to talk about it. Oh, now,
Miss Sullivan, you know, you're really

too hard on yourself. I'm sure everyone
saw you as a poised and confident

professional.

Frank. Hey, Frank.

What's left in the pool?

Let's see. I can give you 36 C or...
38DD.

Definitely. Double D.

And finally, what one problem within
your department contributes most to job

stress?

Well, I've always felt our uniform in
theme rides a little high.

Thanks, Bull.

Harry, we're never going to finish this.
Sure we are, Mac.

You just got to say, we're saving
Joyce's job. Come on, say it.

We're saving Joyce's job. Again. We're
saving Joyce's job.

We're saving Joyce's job. We're saving
Joyce's job.

Stop. We're saving...

This is why I'm missing the lovely,
tender, super deluxe dream package?

So you two can have cheerleading
practice?

Hey, Kwan Lee, we're just taking a
little motivational break.

Oh, you want motivation?

Get your buns in gear!

What are you doing, dear?

Just showing Harry what we're missing on
our vacation.

Right now, I'm supposed to be floating
in the guitar-shaped hotel pool,

listening to the speakers play
Rock-A-Hoola Baby.

Kwan Lee?

Kwan Lee?

Don't you think you're going a little
overboard on this Elvis guy? I mean, he

was just a singer.

Oh, so the king of rock and roll was
just a singer.

What about your precious golden frog?

And besides, Mel Torme is the greatest
jazz vocalist in the history of mankind.

Oh, well, let's just see how Mr.

Jazz Guy flies. No!

Ah,

next question, Roz.

Approximately what percentage of your
day do you spend in actual physical

contact with prisoners?

Would this include the roughing up I
might do on my own time?

Here's mine, sir. Now, I know you're up
against the clock, so I didn't bother to

check the punctuation.

Well, you can do anything but lay off of
my blue suede shoes. Blue, blue, blue

suede shoes.

Blue, blue.

Sir, is there any particular reason why
Quan Lee is dancing in your office?

She's not in my office.

She's at a disco in Memphis.

See, guys, I thought I'd go down and
catch Dan's show.

Anybody want to come along?

You'd have to drag me, kicking and
screaming Sorry, but I'm late as it is

I'm hoping to get a seat in the front
row so Mom can see me on TV

Aren't you missing

a letter there, Bull?

I'm not that stupid Well, it sure sounds
like Dan pulled a

number on you last night Yeah

But there is a small consolation. I'm
sure my walking off the show has made

him be a little bit more sensitive to
his guest's feelings.

You disgust me!

Where do you come up with this sick,
perverted garbage?

But, Dan... I'm merely calling for more
humane treatment of prison inmates.

Oh, yeah? And what do we say to that?

Next time I got a holding cell full of
street... vermin, you're welcome to walk

in there and say, hey, anybody need a
hug?

That might be an idea worth trying.

Oh, yeah? Well, I say it's an idea that
deserves the barf bucket!

I'm willing to admit there's a minute
chance that I could be wrong.

If you're one of those blockheads who
think so, hit the beef box.

I love your show, Mr.

Fielding.

Great. Good to know we're a big hit in
the mutant community.

Come on, Bob. Talk or walk?

Well, I just wanted to say that I agree
with Father McCally.

Oh, you do, do you?

Well, in my experience with prisoners, a
pleasant and safe environment reduces

hostility and the desire to escape.

Or is that just with turtles?

Why don't you get out of here and go
back to your salt lick?

You heard him, Mellon Ball.

Take a hike.

Hey, leave him alone.

Who are you, his keeper? If so, I'd
suggest a stronger leash.

I don't even know the guy, but I...

I just don't think anybody should be
treated like that.

Do we have a doctor in the house who's
got a man down here with a bleeding

heart?

Listen, pal, I've got a few words for
you. Oh, yeah? Well, here, wait. Tell it

to my complaint department.

Oh, my God,

this is insane.

Keep the cameras rolling.

Better smile while I'm TV.

Thanks for staying with me, Bull. You
didn't have to.

What, and pass up the chance to see a
nose drained?

I know you would.

Oh, hi, Dan.

Oh, hi, Christine.

So did you stay to work late or just
gloat?

Oh, Dad, please.

It's a gloat.

Thanks for the sympathy. I get
pulverized by some violent, maniacal,

antisocial deviant. He's a pediatrician.

A what?

A pediatrician. They just booked him
downstairs.

Well, he's a vicious pediatrician.

And a Quaker.

He's never been in a fight in his life.

Oh, so I see. Somehow this is my fault.

Oh, come on, Dan. Get real.

Haven't you ever listened to the trash
that comes out of your mouth?

Like what?

Like the constant insults you're always
hurling at me for being prudish or hairy

for being old-fashioned or... Bull for
being bull.

My God, there isn't anyone who's safe
around here.

Well, Roz.

All right, so occasionally I may take a
cheap shot.

The truth is, I can't help it. Oh, of
course you can.

No, I can't. You see, most people have
this little filter in their brain that

stops them from saying rude things.

I was born without one.

That. is ridiculous.

No, it's true. Like, right now, most
people would know it's inappropriate to

say to a pregnant woman, look on the
bright side, you're missing your

monthlies.

Good God, Dan.

You see?

No filter.

Dan, you have a filter. You just don't
want to use it.

Oh, really?

Why is that, Dr. Sullivan?

So that you can continue to behave any
way you want.

Dan, sometimes you go too far.

And people get very angry.

Because they're hurt.

Dan! Thank God I found you.

Margo, don't worry. The nose will be
fine.

Nose? Oh, that.

All right, no, Dan. I came to tell you
that the phone at the station hasn't

stopped ringing. Dan, we're a major hit.

Now,

this is my idea.

We make a physical attack on you, a part
of every show.

Beg your pardon?

We surround you with an entire security
force, you know, to give the impression

that everyone is gunning for you.

Finally, the guards can't control it any
longer. We have to put you in one of

those glass bubbles, like that guy in
Rome.

Oh, what's his name? Oh, you know, with
the funny hat.

The Pope?

Right!

And we invite the audience to throw
things at you.

Well, don't keep me in suspense.

What do you think?

It sounds like you want me to be in
charge of a nightly riot.

Who better?

I have never seen anyone with such a
knack for bringing out the worst in

people.

So I've learned.

Count me out.

What? I quit.

I don't want to be the ringmaster for
your sick little circus.

Well, you know something, Fielding?

I was wrong about you.

You don't have the acorns to reach for
the brass ring.

Oh, really?

Well, I've got a few observations of my
own.

You're a world-class manipulator with
not one shred of conscience.

Well, I don't have to listen to this.

You also make love with all the warmth
and sensuality of a Coke machine.

Yeah, maybe.

Oh, Christine, I'm going to miss it,
though. I did love the spotlight.

Ah, come on, Dan. Cheer up.

What do you say we go out and get
something to eat? I have this incredible

craving for grapefruit and nachos.

I know just the place.

Oh, listen, by the way, the lawyers in
the boo pool, they wanted me to get a

measurement.

All right, that's it. I'm done.

Finally, now we could... salvage what
tiny shreds remain of our vacation.

Yeah. Not so fast, little mama.

I don't think could do a better Elvis.

Come on, Mac.

Some chest hairs might help.