All language subtitles for S07E21 - My three Dads

I don't believe it. Do you know the
worst part about being pregnant?

Having to wear that giant underwear?

No. I just went to the bathroom and I
have to go again.

Hold on a minute. I've got a cure for
that.

Hey, kid, get your foot off your
mother's bladder.

Thanks, Ron.

So, Quan Lee says you're starting a
childbirth class tomorrow.

Yes, I am. Oh, and please, thank her for
all of her recommendations, although I

have decided to pass on the Arapaho
squatting method.

Good choice.

She also mentioned you were going alone,
and, well, we thought if you needed a

coach, maybe I can help. After all, I've
been through it before.

Thank you, Mac. Maybe I'll just take you
up on that.

Well, Bill, thank you very much for the
warning about the water fountain. No

problem. Oh, criminy!

Oops.

I knew I forgot somebody.

Well, now that my nostrils have been
hosed out, maybe we can start the

session. Oh, uh, by the way, sir, I'll
be starting my childbirth class, and

I've decided to go with the coach after
all.

Really?

So Mac and I may be a little late for
work tomorrow.

Mac is your coach?

Oh, well, he's certainly... a choice.

Wait a minute. Didn't he faint during
Kwan Lee's delivery?

I didn't faint. I had appendicitis.
That's true. He did.

Well, thank you, Bull.

Triggered, no doubt, by panic and
hysterical fear.

I was not afraid.

You're looking at a man who served in
Vietnam, who went through Marine Basic,

who's eaten Kwan Lee's frog gumbo.

I think Mac's going to be a perfect
choice.

Oh, by the way, Mac, here's a brochure
they gave me just in case you want to

brush up before the course tomorrow.

Hello, I'm Jenny, your childbirth
instructor.

Sign in here, coat there.

And do we have a partner tonight?

Oh, well, I did, but he faints at the
sight of literature, so I'm going it

alone.

No, you're not.

Harry, what are you doing here?

Well, come on, Miss Sullivan. After Mac
dropped out, somebody had to pick up the

standard.

Well, don't you think it might be a
little awkward?

No, we're adults. I don't think our
working relationship will be affected by

a little grunting and sweating.

hang up your coat.

Hi. Ben and Mara Bernstein.

Harry Stone.

So when's your wife due?

Oh, she's not my wife.

I see.

One of those couples.

Aren't you afraid of raising the baby in
such an unstable home environment?

No, it's not my baby either. The father
is in some cocaine field in South

America.

Doesn't even know about it.

Well, I hope at least she's staying off
the stuff.

He's a narc!

You can come in.

I'm just making sure none of these women
look familiar.

And where's your partner?

I'm with her.

Dan, what are you doing here?

Yeah, I... I know. You just think I want
to be in a room full of women who

obviously can't say no, huh?

Well, Dan, I assume that even you
wouldn't hit on a pregnant woman. No,

certainly not after the seventh month.

Christine, you're my friend. I'm here to
help.

Well, thank you, Dan.

I see we're going with two coaches now.

Two?

Nice of you to drop by, Dan, but...

We've got the situation under control.

Oh, yeah.

Harry, I think I know a little more
about the reproductive process than you

do.

Oh, yeah?

Well, then let me ask you this. Where
are your pillows?

Well, pillows have nothing to do with
this. Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys.

This is the most important thing I'm
ever going to do, so do you think that

we could work together as a team?

Okay, certainly.

Good, because I think I'm going to need
all the competent help I can get.

All right!

Let's have some babies!

Well, that should kickstart somebody
into labor.

All right, everyone, take a seat.

And mothers, please sit next to your
coach or entourage, as the case may be.

Yes,

we're married.

Still some ink left in the old fountain
pen, huh?

Welcome and congratulations to us all.

Having a baby is one of life's greatest
decisions.

Not for Christine. Hers was an accident.

Bull, we're here to be sensitive and
supportive of Christine.

Thank you, Harry.

Now, I know most of you have watched
your girlish figures being replaced with

flabby thighs, sway backs, and varicose
veins.

Not to mention swollen feet and huge
butts.

However, these and other problems can be
minimized through exercise.

How many of you are getting into shape
by exercising your vaginal muscles?

Maybe I'm thinking of something else.

Well, it's something you can do any
time.

For example, who would know that I'm
exercising mine right now?

For the last three minutes, right?

Well, let's make sure we all understand.

the basics.

Say hello to the female reproductive
system.

Yeah!

Now, who can identify the various parts?

Uterus? Right.

Placenta? Correct.

Amnionic sac?

And finally... Mucus plug!

In your face, pal.

Uh, no, actually,

to point to the birth canal which is
also known as

the

the part where the baby comes out close
enough now then why don't we try

a few breathing exercises rearrange your
chairs so your mothers are facing your

coaches

with your mothers, and let's begin with
a deep inhale.

Here. Why should he go first?

Because she can tell that I'm the one
who's taking this seriously.

I'm the one that Christine can depend
on.

Now and throughout her child's life.

But, Mom, me, Tony Jr., you are in hot
water, young man.

I came over as soon as I heard.

Uncle Harry!

Hey, you squirt! Ha! Ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Enough fun.

Now, Tony, what's this I hear about you
being in a fight at school?

Well, me and some kids started kind of
shoving at a school party.

Tony, Tony, Tony, how many times have I
told you violence never solved anything?

I hope you flatten somebody.

Harry, and my teacher, Mr.

Hildebrandt, they never even heard of
him. Well, don't you worry about it. I'm

going to make sure he loses his job and
is put in prison.

Harry!

Something else?

Yeah, there certainly is.

Take a look at this.

Whoa!

Well, there's always the army.

Her sanity is an IQ of 240.

All right.

Pop quiz, Tony.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand
for?

Because she can't sit down.

Where was the Declaration of
Independence signed?

At the bottom.

Why were the Indians the first people in
North America?

Because they had reservations.

I don't know what they're complaining
about. The kids got the stuff down cold.

Harry. Come on, get your hat, and I'll
buy you a soda.

All right!

an entire school assembly by doing card
tricks.

Oh, come on, Christine.

He's just a kid, and besides, he has the
added responsibility of being the only

man in the house.

Tony's under a lot of stress.

Ready, Uncle Harry?

You know, Christine, I guess you could
say that Tony and I are like an old pair

of pants.

Why? Because we're ready to split.

Christine?

Christine?

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I was just imagining what it was going
to be like to raise my baby alone.

Hey, relax.

It's going to be fine.

Yeah, I know. I know. I was just getting
wrapped up in my own silly thoughts.

Well, nothing wrong with getting wrapped
up. I mean, after all, you are going to

be a mummy.

Once again, I...

this baby, not shoot it across the room.

Excuse me, Ginny.

I'm afraid my husband is
hyperventilated.

Come on, Bo. Let's get him on his feet.

I'm sure he's going to be fine.

Danelle, isn't it?

Listen, feel free to call me if you
should need a little extra help or you

just want to be nibbled on by somebody
who has his own teeth.

to come on to her?

Don't worry, Brad. I was going to get
around to you.

Well, I think this would be a fine time
for everyone to take a break.

Ginny. Ginny, I am so sorry. My friends
are acting like such a beanhead.

I don't know. Maybe I'd be better off if
I just went through this thing alone.

Perhaps. But then if you have a boy, you
might find one day that there are things

men can talk to him about that you
can't.

Well, yeah, I know exactly what you
mean. Cars.

No, I mean...

Like, what do you mean, babe?

Like enough talk. Put down that
surfboard and let me show you, like, how

I really feel.

Oh, my God!

What'd you do that for?

Because it's filthy smut, that's why.

Just kissing?

Well, before you get any ideas like
that, young man, I think that we should

have a talk.

Okay. Now, this is a book that answered
a lot of questions for me.

Now, this is a boy, and this is a girl.

Now, when a boy likes a girl... Mom, can
we just cut down to the part where the

boy leaves cab fare on the nightstand?

Yoo-hoo!

Hey, Tiger, I'm not interrupting
anything, am I?

Oh, no, no, no, nothing at all. Great,
it's time for me to take magic to his

basketball game.

Oh, oh, that's right, that's right.

Let me get your coat and mittens.

Anything new?

Plenty.

How can you tell?

Not one pair of cotton undies.

Here we go. And if you look closely, you
can see the three stars that make up the

belt of Orion.

Gee, mean Uncle Dan.

It's an awe-inspiring sight, isn't it?

I'll say.

Well, we better get going. Okay, here
you go.

Try not to sweat. Okay.

All right, see you later, Mom.

Carrie, I thought you were going to stay
in the car.

Well, we just couldn't wait to meet
Tony.

Ooh, you're cute.

Yeah, yeah, thanks.

So, Carrie, did you know I was treasurer
of the student council?

Ooh, really?

What are you teaching that kid, anyway?

Are you having a contraction?

What? Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm sorry. No, I was just
daydreaming.

Right.

Probably a drug-induced hallucination.

All right, let's take our seats.

And now we are going to talk about
that...

carb uncle?

No, I'm talking about pain.

Now, I know what you ladies are
thinking, but fortunately, the pain that

we feel in labor is a good pain.

Excuse me, I'm having trouble with the
concept of good pain.

Well, that's sort of like when your
girlfriend wears spurs to bed.

I meant that it's a pain that
accomplishes something positive and is

soon forgotten.

Not with my mom.

Every time my birthday rolled around,
she'd just lock herself in her room and

whimper.

All right, it hurts like hell, which is
why we sometimes need painkillers.

If I may, I would like to point out the
latest research on the adverse effects

of medication on the unborn child.

I know the research.

I've also assisted in over 3,000 births.
How about you, Coach?

Me? Oh, well, I would say definitely
one.

Ha! I've done seven.

And let me tell you, you haven't
experienced life's little miracle until

you've licked off a newborn kitten.

All right, all right. Let's just say
you've had your babies.

Maybe we can talk a little now about
handling the newborn.

Here you go.

Um, a little hint.

This one you don't carry around in your
mouth.

Oh, this is what it's all about, isn't
it, guys?

Hey, it looks like you got yourself a
girl, Christine.

A girl?

I can have a girl?

That would change everything.

Your little Tony sure is a cutie,
Christine.

You must be awfully proud of her. Oh,
yes, I am.

Not every mom that gets to see her
little girl play a piano solo at

Carnegie Hall.

Not to mention bringing peace to the
Middle East.

Yeah, that was some essay, wasn't it?

But you know, Bull, she never could have
done any of this without your support.

Well, I sure enjoy helping her with
stuff like that science project.

Yeah, I bet she's the only kid in her
class who knows how long it takes

maggots to strip a dead horse.

Science isn't always pretty, Christine.

But your little princess sure is.

Thanks, Bull.

You know she thinks the world of you,
too.

Tony, honey!

You tried bringing a baby into the world
alone after you realized that your

marriage was little more than a
one-night stand.

Well, that helped a lot.

Oh, who's talking, Mr. Mucus Plug?

Come on, grow up, guys. Some of us are
here to learn.

Oh, really?

Well, I thought you knew it all after
your night in the closet with Fluffy the

Cat.

Don't just hold the babies, all right?

Hey, come to Uncle Harry, little fella.
No, come on, give it here. Why?

If you're doing it wrong, you're going
to break his sternum like that. I am

not. I'll show you how to do it.

my baby like a pack of jackals now
that's a birthing method i'm not

familiar with oh i suppose she would
have been better off with your method

the freak out and faint you're talking
about yesterday that's just because i

skipped lunch oh yeah yeah i've

got some falling to do

One moment I think I can handle this all
on my own, and then I think I need

somebody to lean on, and then I worry
that there's nobody I can depend on, and

then I don't know what to think.

What the heck is the matter with me?

You're having a baby.

Miss Sullivan?

You got a minute?

We fixed your baby.

Oh, guys.

And, uh... We figure that we owe you an
apology.

I guess the reason we've been acting the
way we have is that each of us, in his

own way, thinks of the baby as his own.

Yeah, let's see who steps forward the
first time that kid loads his diaper.

Yeah, I guess this little tyke has his
all phone for a loop.

I mean, just thinking about the
possibility of having to raise this

child alone has got me imagining all
kinds of things.

Christine, we'll be there.

And we'll act like grown-ups, honest.

Trust my heart and hope to die. Stick a
needle in my eye.

Thanks, guys.

I just hope you won't be hurt if
sometimes I need to handle things on my

own. No.

In fact, if you want to do this
childbirth class solo, that's Jake with

us, right?

Yes.

Well, as a matter of fact, I have
decided to go with a coach.

I figured I should choose the one of you
who's proven to be the coolest head in

the crisis.

Roz.

Roz? Makes sense.

Yeah, I think we can respect that
choice.

Sure. Roz it is.

She picked a girl.

What a dumb idea.

Yeah, what do they know about having
babies?

Hope you don't mind.

I'd be honored.

But I'd warn your doctor.

If he slaps that baby too hard, I'm
taking him down.