All language subtitles for S07E18 - Melvin and Herold

Okay, I got the cake for Harry's party.
Christine, did you get the snacks yet?

Oh, Mac, I'm sorry.

I find it hard to even think about food
these days.

Morning sickness again?

I swear, I've been back and forth the
ladies' room so many times, I feel like

I'm on some gross Olympic relay team.

Ah, the hop's skipping.

Christine,

if you're sick, I can get the food.

No way, Bull.

Do you remember the Fourth of July
picnic and your salute to botulism?

Hey, how was I supposed to know the
oyster dip wouldn't stay fresh in my

trunk?

Okay, Bull, we'll give you another
chance. But no dairy, no seafood, and no

roadkill.

That takes care of everything but the
decorations. Roz?

Right here.

Well, nice to see you go to so much
trouble.

No trouble.

There was compulsory arts and crafts in
holding.

Oh, here's a pretty one. Happy birthday,
Mother...

Never mind.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. Mac,

I got your message. What's up?

Well, we're having a surprise party for
Harry.

It's funny he didn't mention it.

That's because it's a secret.

Oh, right.

Yeah, so just keep it under your hat.

Hey, I'm great at secrets. To this day,
I have never told anyone of my role in

Watergate.

Hey, Gus.

Hey. How are you? Hi, buddy. What's up?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing, huh?

I just dropped by to say hello.

So, uh...

That's my dad.

Hey, guys, check out my new haircut.

What do you think?

Hey, that Doogie Howser look is Captain
Orr.

Come on, now, this happens to be very
in. I got it cut for my birthday.

When's your birthday coming up?

Coming up? It's today.

Oh. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, sir.
Yeah, the big four. Oh.

Oh.

mind turning 40. No, why should I?

Well, Harry's right. I mean, I'm over 40
and I'm still as virile as ever.

Of course, I was virile to begin with.

One should not judge one's virility by
the number of panties in one's

scrapbook.

I think that's for the Guinness people
to decide.

Well, I think you've got a terrific
attitude, sir.

Ah, sure. I mean, I was blessed with a
youthful appearance.

Heck, I don't feel a day over 20.

There you are.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were my
father.

Here I am.

Hey, Christine, I wanted to get Harry a
gift. How soon is his party going to

happen? Right after session, buddy. Oh,
I guess that rules out mail order.

I'll just have to get him the usual.

What's that?

Spackle.

Okay, Mac, let's rope them and brand
them. Yes, sir.

People versus Capitao and Ada New,
trespassing and disturbing the peace.

No way, Red. No, you cheated.

Prosecutor? Yes, sir. The defendants are
members of rival fraternities that have

been competing in a scavenger hunt. They
were arrested in the mayor's dumpster

fighting over a piece of his honor's old
dental floss.

Your Honor, my clients were merely
engaging in an innocent college ritual.

Innocent? Sir, would you check out some
of the items on their list?

An iron lung.

A DC-10 steering wheel.

Jane Pauly's bra.

That one could be tough.

For you, maybe.

Your Honor, Your Honor, these are just
young boys who are

simply... Hey, hey, get your paws out of
my briefcase.

Hey,

I was only hoping to find item 147.

If she had one, she wouldn't look like
that.

each of you.

What's with this guy?

What do you expect from some old geezer?
Yeah.

Geezer? Mac, do I really come off that
old? Oh, I wouldn't say old, sir. More

like mature.

Well, why don't you give this mature guy
some nice, quiet case?

Sure thing.

Here's a routine matter of speeding and
unpaid parking tickets.

People versus Mel Torme.

No, no, not him.

Oh, you don't know how glad I am to see
you, Mel. I've really been wanting to

make up for, you know, that little
problem we had last year.

Little problem?

You pinhead.

You gave me a cold. You wrecked my
concert. You strapped me to a gurney

against my will.

I pushed him up and down the hallway.

You made my life a living hell.

Mr. Tremink, I think you might want to
rethink your attitude here. I mean,

after all, this is the man that holds
your immediate future in his hands.

On the other hand, Your Honor, I really
overreacted last year.

Really? Yeah. I mean, as a matter of
fact, I was just about to call you and

say, let's let bygones be bygones.

What a coincidence he would stop beating
just before he made the call.

How fast? Where's he going?

45 and a 25. Sorry, the computer check
showed that the lead foot legend here

had several unpaid parking tickets.

Mail, mail, mail.

My accountant merely forgot to pay them.
It was an honest mistake.

You know, like your mistake in ruining
my concert, the one I just forgave you

for. You mean it? You forgive me?
Absolutely. I could never hold a grudge

against you because...

You're the top.

You're the top.

I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a
flop.

But if, baby, I'm the bottom, you're the
top.

Yeah!

First time I ever heard anybody

suck up in scat.

You mean I debased myself for nothing?

I like to think of debasement as its own
reward.

Well, gee, Mel, I'm sorry, but my hands
are tied. I mean, you gotta pay those

tickets. All right, all right.

Oh, damn, I forgot.

Your Honor, I left my wallet at Henry
Mancini's house.

We hear that excuse from every pimp and
flasher that comes through this joint.

Judge, you of all people must know I'm
good for it. Well, of course.

Good. But... I can't show favoritism.

Well, what are you gonna do? Throw me
into jail?

Just till you pay the tickets.

That's it. That's it!

You know what I said about forgiving
you? Forget it. I take it all back. Aw,

Mel. Don't aw Mel me, you beanie-faced
twerp.

You want contempt?

How about this?

That would do it.

I'll get you for this, Stone. I'll get
you for this.

You're a walking disaster.

You're a pox on humanity.

And your haircut stinks.

Man, that is one cranky crooner.

Hey, guys, what do you think of this?

Oh, that's adorable.

What a great idea for a birthday party.
I had it blown up from this.

Oh, look at that.

Yeah, Harry was such a cute baby.

Oh, that's not Harry.

Who the hell is it?

You got me. It came with my wallet.

A picture of Harry would have been an
even better idea.

Okay, I got the food.

Thanks for taking the head off, boy.

The guy's in holding, Carlos.

Harry's on his way.

Oh, no, he can't come in here. We're not
through with the decorations yet.

Dana now sold him. Oh, thanks a lot,
Mac.

I know.

Get him to sing a billion bottles of
beer on the way.

Although it did cause me to miss the
entire Ford administration.

But I'm feeling much better now.

Oh, uh, sir.

Did you, uh, patch things up with Mel?
He hates me. Oh, no, sir. He's just

upset. You know how a strip search can
make a person grumpy.

But I'm sure he doesn't hate you.

He said he wanted to see me stake to a
hill while fire ants devoured my flesh.

Well, you see, he could have meant that
in a number of ways.

Offered to pay his tickets, but he said
he'd rather do a year touring with Guns

N' Roses.

Where are you going?

To my office. I want to be alone.

Oh, no, sir. That's the worst thing that
you could do.

Mac's right. Any psychologist would
agree. You should never be alone after

being rejected by a jazz artist. Yeah.
Now, let's go get a cup of coffee. You

can tell us all about it. I don't want
any coffee. Well, you can watch me and

Mac drink ours. Maybe some pie.

Oh, poor Harry.

Yeah, I don't think we're going to cheer
him up by throwing a bunch of confetti

in his face.

Nope, you're right. I think the only way
this party's going to cheer up Harry is

if we can get Mel Torme to be there.

And by golly, that's exactly what I'm
going to do.

You should have seen her before New York
made her bitter.

I don't know why everybody's so worried.

I've learned that there's no problem
that can't be solved with a few party

games. Good idea, buddy. Why don't you
go round a few up?

Sure.

Although, it's not going to be easy
finding dice in a salami at this hour.

Hey, what are you doing to that fire
extinguisher?

Aren't you one of those scavenger
hunters?

Oh, no.

I'm... I'm the fire marshal.

Oh, yeah?

Want me to do yours?

Mr. Torme, are you busy?

Well, I don't know. It's just about tea
time, isn't it, Cedric?

Mr. Torme, Judd Stone hated putting you
in here. I mean, he is your biggest fan.

I can't tell you how many times he's
forced us to listen to your music.

What is this, let's get Mel night?

Oh, come on, Mel.

I mean, let's face facts.

The reason you're in here is because
you're guilty, and I say that as your

defense attorney.

Yeah, you really did a great job.

Okay, fine, fine. You can blame me, but
you can't blame Harry.

I mean, did Harry go speeding down Park
Avenue?

Did Harry forget to pay his parking
ticket? Did Harry trash a bar till he

got smacked over the head with a pool
cue?

Mel, today is Harry's birthday.

Could you just come down?

For a couple of minutes and talk to him.

I mean, after all, he did volunteer to
pay your parking tickets.

Look, miss, I understand what you're
trying to do, but I'm going to tell you

right now, when my manager gets here,
I'm leaving.

And you'd rather wait in here than talk
to Harry for one minute?

It's not so bad in here.

Good buddies, interesting conversation.

I tried.

No, Bull, you find the rest of those
scavenger hunters?

No, but I think Mom just hung up on me.

Well, I got a hunch they're still around
here someplace, so you keep an eye

peeled and I'll check downstairs.

Right.

Oh, Harry, getting older isn't all bad.

My grandfather used to say, people like
wine get better with age.

I'm older than Spider-Man.

Well, what about Superman?

He's still in his 30s.

Well, you're younger than those people
that found him.

The Kents? That old farm cop?

So what?

Yeah. Look on the bright side. You may
be 40, but you're still acting like a 12

-year-old.

I haven't told you the worst part.

Look.

Ear hair.

Oh.

You sure you're only 40?

I don't know.

Everybody seen those fraternity guys?

Sorry, did you...

here someplace, my sixth sense tells me.

See? When did you acquire the other
five?

Well, we scratched Mel off the guest
list.

Oh, that's too bad.

Guess we might as well forget about the
party.

No. No, I think we should go ahead and
give Harry the best party we know how.

All right, everybody, put on your happy
faces.

This is my happy face.

Okay, I'll go get the gifts.

Thanks for trying to cheer me up, guys.
I guess I'll just go home and wallow in

my misery.

Oh, no, sir, you can't go home.

Why not?

Well, because... you're not happy enough
to drive.

I'll call a cab.

Oh, sir, wait.

Oh, for Pete's sake, the reason that you
can't go home is because we have a

surprise party for you in your office.

Really?

Really?

Gee, guys, I don't know what to say.

Say you'll go to the damn party so we
can get home before dawn.

Oh, what the heck? It's probably just
what I need. Okay, surprise me.

Here we go. Ready? One, two, three.

Surprise!

Gee,

guys, you shouldn't have.

Uh, we didn't.

You've been scared.

I'll go call security.

I can't believe it. They took
everything.

Uh, not quite everything.

They took the frame and they left the
picture?

What's happening to America's youth?
This country has no future.

Oh, darn.

You started the party without me.

But I must say, I like the theme.

Plenty of room for leapfrog.

Sorry, buddy, I'm not much in a party
mood now.

Oh, I'm sure we understand.

It's been a rough day.

But don't forget, every cloud has a
silver lining. It's always darkest

before the dawn.

A lot of stuff like that.

Dan, we have a friend in pain. He needs
our support.

No, that's okay.

I'd rather be alone.

Well, okay, Harry, if that's really the
way you want it.

I understand, sir.

Happy birthday, anyway.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Harry.

I'll just leave your presents here,
where the couch used to be.

That's a shame.

I had a real treat planned.

All I had to do was yell, Surprise!

He's not in the mood.

Buddy,

I didn't know you spoke Chinese.

Was that Chinese?

that could explain that picture of me
bowling with Chiang Kai-shek.

Well, Mel, you're all I got left.

What do you say?

How about happy birthday?

Mel!

Hey, looks like I missed the garage
sale, huh?

Yeah, long story.

What the heck are you doing here?
Well... Has your friend Christine

convinced me that I ought to give you
another chance?

Does that mean you actually like me?

No.

But I no longer want you dead.

Not everyone can say that.

Well, anyway, you must have some
redeeming qualities if your friend would

go to this much trouble for you. Yeah, I
got terrific friends.

Go figure.

Hey, look at this.

Hey, I haven't seen one of these in a
long time.

Oh, yeah, it must be one of my birthday
presents.

Oh, great.

Well, all the best, Your Honor, and I'll
see you around. You know, Mel, if this

works, I'd love to take a picture of
you. Well, look, I really have to go

right now. No, no, just take a second.
I've just got to find the shutter

release. Some other time would be... Oh!

Oh! You idiot!

You blinded me! Well, gee, Mel, I'm
sorry.

You're always sorry.

Mel!

momentarily in a body cast to cancel the
concert and say something about owing

his life to a Chinese dragon.

He followed that with a confusing remark
about strangling a judge.

He just said a judge.

That doesn't necessarily mean me.

Don't sell yourself short, son. I'm sure
he meant you.

Harry, I'm so sorry your 40th birthday
wasn't more successful.

Well, that's all right, Christine.

I'm beginning to figure that age is
really a state of mind, you know? I

mean, after all, how many 20-year-olds
can do this?

How many would want to?

Sir, they caught those kids that took
your stuff in that scavenger hunt.

Great. Where is it?

They put it back in your office.

All right.

They also said to let them know if
you're still missing anything.

Okay.