All language subtitles for S07E14 - Futureman

Whoo! Look at those threads.

$2,000 worth of silk covering a
million-dollar body.

Notice how it accentuates each ripple
and bulge.

What's the big occasion, Dan? Will you
name patron of the year at the Pussycat

Theater?

Almost as good.

I'm invited to a dinner with the Mayor's
Committee on Crime.

We'll be discussing strategies, making
suggestions.

Kissing butt.

I prefer to think of them as keisters of
opportunity.

Hi, guys.

Anybody know a cure for hiccups?

Yes, staple your lips together.

That didn't work.

Pinching your nose and counting
backwards from ten.

Right. What do you think I am, a
machine?

How was that honeymoon, huh?

Harry, it was fantastic.

In fact, I didn't leave the hotel room
for the first 24 hours.

And then Amanda finally tracked down a
locksmith and they let me out of there.

Well, I'm glad to hear it all worked
out.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Things are going great,
considering I'm unemployed.

Buddy, what are you worried about? Your
wife's worth over $5 million.

Get out of here!

No, he's right, buddy.

Yeah? Well, still, I think a man should
work so he can get up in the morning and

look at himself in the mirror and say,
Are my ears even?

That's why I've been working all day,
putting together this resume.

On a paper plate?

A hundred for a buck and they fly.

Buddy, what do you say we punch this out
on the computer and print it out on real

paper? Okay, but the coal saw's gonna
soak right through.

I think Bull needs some help.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to sneak over there and scare
the hell out of him.

It never fails.

All rise.

Uh-oh. New hiccup remedy, sir.

Sorry,

sir. All right, Mac.

Let's get rolling.

Yes, sir. People versus VHK 937.

you people mean well, but you're
preventing me from fulfilling my

mission. I could be home watching roller
derby. You don't hear me complaining.

Your turn, Mr.

Prosecutor. Yes, sir. The, um, human
baked potato here was arrested in City

Hall after threatening two men with
this.

A label maker?

What do you do? Walk up to them, stick
in their ribs and type out, make my day.

Your Honor, my client was merely trying
to get in to see the mayor.

And why was that?

I'm here to save the world from the
forces of evil!

Well, you can't, so there.

V, may I call you V?

If you wish.

All right, where exactly is it that
you're from?

The year 2097.

Ah, Mac, V is from the future.

Sir.

Time travel violates science-based
requirement of locally causal space-time

manifolds, making it impossible for
anyone.

Except maybe the Jetsons.

Surely you have mutants in your century.

Sir, in view of the circumstances,
defense would be agreeable to a

psychiatric evaluation.

Is prosecution agreeable? Does a bear
drop trowel in the woods?

All right, then, so be it. We'll hold
on, Mr.

937, for the cyborgs from the Bellevue
Galaxy.

Bellevue? Will the mayor be there?

Yes, and 3A Blinken.

Well, Harry, here's the resume.

Just print it up.

Buddy, this paper is designed to be
separated.

Oh, I thought they were like this to
help you find your way back.

Matt, what do you think?

Whoa, looks pretty professional.

Thanks to Harry.

Although, generally, I prefer to draw
little eyebrows over the O's.

What is this, buddy? It says here you
spent 1971 on a meditative sabbatical.

Well, Harry dreamed that one up.

Oh, buddy, we couldn't very well tell
people that you spent a year trying to

figure out ways to get Gilligan off the
island.

I came up with 10,000 ideas.

Ideas like making a bamboo raft?

10,001.

The next thing to do is to copy this and
then figure out what kind of job it is

you're after.

Boy, this reality stuff sure keeps you
hopping.

Admit it.

This arouses you, doesn't it?

I can barely restrain myself from
leaping out of my chair and ravishing

you right here, you Nordic god.

All right, Mac, what's next?

Yes, sir. People versus the Montez
brothers in a little thing I like to

call assault.

Trust these hiccup remedies are not
going to interfere with your job.

Count on me, sir.

Well, he's a tough act to follow. You
want to try, Mr. Froskitter? Very well,

sir. The defendants were arrested after
assaulting several Bulgarian tourists on

a subway car.

Hey, we were just asking for spare
change.

But there was a language barrier.

But fortunately for them, they brought
along a translator.

Did you ever try to conjugate a
Bulgarian verb?

I take it, Miss Sullivan, that your
defendants are pleading not guilty?

Yes, sir. And we asked that in
considering bail you remember that

despite the gravity of the charges, they
are still just boys.

Oh, just boys? Well, that explains this.
Then they were just playing pin the shiv

on the tourists.

Your Honor, these vermin do not deserve
one shred of pity, compassion, or

leniency.

But what the hey, I say let him go.

To what he says, Judge. Oh, he cut him.

I can pick him off clean from here, sir.

Without hitting Dan?

Oh, well, if you're going to tie my
hand.

Judge, tell the guards to hand over
their guns.

No!

The criminals must be eliminated for the
future of the planet.

Oh, come on. Nobody buys this future
stuff.

Who do you like in the 98 Super Bowl?

What the hell was that?

Just a little wake-up call from the 21st
century.

Ron, we don't suppose this guy is really
from the future.

If he is, we're in for a fashion
nightmare.

Why are you doing this?

It's my mission.

Can't be satisfied just wowing babies
with your laser?

Not while the scum live.

No! You can't shoot that thing in here.
Innocent people will be hurt.

All right.

The innocent may exit.

Okay.

I want you all to leave in an orderly
fashion.

The elderly and infirmed first, then
women, then finally able-bodied men.

Chill out, foil man.

Yeah, you zap boss, you zap him too.

Do me a favor, have the decency if you
hit the suit to finish me off.

Listen, V, excuse me for a minute.

Why? I gotta go to the bathroom.

What?

Matt, Ross, don't you feel the urge to
go too?

Uh, yeah, I guess we do. Right, Ross?

We were hoping you would ask.

Do I have to go, too, sir?

No, you don't.

You always know before I do.

You want to stay here and entertain our
friends.

So, V, how long can you stay fresh in
that suit?

Okay, there's no time to spare. Mac, you
call the SWAT team and check to see if

VHK 937 is a known alias.

And, Ross, you check the local mental
hospitals and see if they're missing any

patients with a laser gun.

Well, don't just stand there, guys. Get
moving.

Hey, Harry, I got my resume copy, and I
came up with some job ideas. No, no, not

now, buddy, not now. Dan is being held
captive by two punks with a knife, and

they're all being held hostage by a man
from the future with a laser gun.

Okay, then maybe later.

So how's it going?

He set a deadline.

If they don't release your friend in 96
billion oscillations of the mercury

atom, I'm vaporizing the whole bunch.

96 billion oscillations? How long is
that?

I don't know. When I asked him, he went
on a tirade about the lousy educational

system.

V, you'd vaporize them all, even Dan?

A regrettable necessity.

But... They must be dealt with.

They are loathsome, grotesque creatures
who prey on the citizens of this city.

Salt your mother.

V, wait a minute. I'm on your side,
remember?

I was trying to put away these yo-yos.

Yo-yos?

Legal shorthand for men of honor.

Muy macho.

Hey, man. Do you think I don't know how
to use this?

I can't get rid of them. Have you tried
holding your breath?

That works?

It always did for me, and it's loads of
fun.

That's how I had my first hallucination.

Wow!

I'll give it a try.

How long?

Don't worry, I'll time you.

a watch.

I got it for my birthday.

Not that I needed a watch.

I did without one for quite a while.

I used to tell time the way the ancient
Incans did.

By asking the guy next to me.

Only five billion oscillations left.

Uh, V, tell me something.

Why did you pick this particular time to
come back to?

Well, we determined that the late 20th
century was our last chance to turn the

tide of lawlessness and save the future.

Gee, I don't know. I just can't believe
the future is as bad as you say.

Are you kidding?

The city is under siege.

Crime is out of control.

If you rush him, I'll cover you with the
knife.

I don't know.

What about the ray gun?

The ray gun, the ray gun.

That's it.

Time's up.

Prepare to die, scum.

No!

I don't have a will.

I've never... I haven't written my
memoirs yet.

I've never... I've never heard a girl
say, Okay, daddy boy, your turn.

We'll give them a choice.

Death or castration?

Death.

So be it.

Wait, wait. You wouldn't shoot a woman,
would you?

Yes.

Sorry, Dan. It would have made a
difference.

freed from their orbit.

Stop! Now what?

Don't do it, Leon.

Leon?

That's his name, Leon Mintz.

VHK 937, isn't it? Alias is the license
plate. We check it at the DMV.

Anything else?

He's 6'2", 240 pounds, and he's not
supposed to drive at night without his

glasses.

You asked.

They lie.

I'm from the future.

why do you drive a 76 Pinto?

It's modified for time travel.

Why do the dorks always have the cherry
cars?

First, I considered getting a job
stuffing cardboard in the collars of new

shirts.

But there's probably a lot of
competition for those jobs.

It's 8.13.

And then it finally hit me.

Mothballs. There's always a demand for
mothballs.

What do you think?

Oh, are you all right?

I'm fine.

But little Joe's trapped in the barn.

Oh, buddy, get the hell out of here. Oh,
sorry, Harry.

Didn't know court was in session. Come
on.

Hey.

Where's my knife?

Finders keepers.

Now, get over here. Away from that door.

Come on.

All right.

I am free.

They smudged my suit. All right. You put
that puppy on broil.

You get over there with your friends. I
want you all where I can see you. What?

Now, go.

You're the boss. You're the boss.

This looks bad.

Silence! Look, Leon. Why do you keep
calling me that?

Leon Mintz was a brilliant industrial
engineer.

He invented the Yoo-Hoo suitcase.

It had a talking handle so you could
find it in the airport.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Leon Mintz sounds like the kind of guy
the world could use.

Whatever happened to him?

One day, he was mugged on the street.

And then on the subway.

Then his apartment was robbed. Stripped
of everything except for a few clothes

hangers and a Robert Goulet album.

I wonder why they left the hangers.

Well, Leon tired of being a victim, so
he decided to do something about it. I,

he, invented this battery-powered laser.

You want to see how it works?

That's okay, man. I've seen it. Works
good.

Perfect. Look, Leon, you can't go around
just indiscriminately sizzling people.

Think about it.

What gives any person the right to
determine the fate of another person's

life?

Isn't that what you do?

That example.

me. Why won't anybody believe me?

I believe you.

Buddy, you shouldn't be here.

No, no. Let him stay.

You really believe I'm from the future?

Well, sure.

You look like a regular Joe who's got
his light bulb screwed in straight.

So, uh, what's it like in Tomorrowland?

It's horrible.

The forces of chaos are everywhere.

It's impossible to find even an island
of serenity.

Well, that's why I keep mine in my
pants.

Buddy, maybe you should let us. Oh,

that's beautiful.

I think it's Tulsa.

Why are you pointing that label maker at
those people?

That's a ray gun, man. They're
criminals.

They must be exterminated so that people
won't have to live in fear.

Afraid to walk to the store at night or
use the park.

You know what I mean.

All too well.

You remind me of a man who was so filled
with rage and pain that it drove him to

an institution where all he could do was
ball up his fists and scream at the

moon.

Gee, buddy, I never knew.

Yeah.

Weird wall.

Lived in the same ward with him for 15
years. Didn't get a wink of sleep.

I don't understand.

Hold on.

What I'm trying to say is, okay, let
them take your money.

Let them take your property.

But don't let them take your sanity.

I'm just tired of being picked on.

Stop dressing like a jiffy pop bag.

Next time you feel picked on, just...

Get away and try thinking of all the
things that are beautiful in the world.

Like Tulsa.

Yeah.

Can I have Tulsa?

I don't know. I've had it for a long
time. Buddy, maybe you'd like to work

out a trade.

Okay. I'll trade you Tulsa for the
gloves.

The gun, buddy. The gun.

Or the gun.

Okay.

There you go.

Tulsa.

Buddy, you sure you're not going to miss
Tulsa?

Nah, not as long as I got Tallahassee.

Hi, boys.

Can I give you a lift to holding?

Hey, Tiki, you're kind of cute. You got
a boyfriend?

Hey, man, that's over first.

Ah, shut up.

Well, it's only 8.19. You think I still
got time to get this clean and make it

to the dinner party? Oh, yeah, you can
get some coffee and still have time to

tell a tasteless sex joke.

Luck's with me, huh?

Hey, buddy.

I wish time travel were possible.

Maybe I would have had a chance to meet
Gene Harlow.

Learn magic from Houdini.

Seen Mel in his first concert?

I'd go back to last Tuesday.

Possibilities are endless.

Your Honor, the guys from Bellevue
picked up Mr. V.

Thank you, Bull.

Any chance I could take home this ray
gun?

I got something clogging up my toilet.

Sorry, big guy. That thing has to go
back to evidence.

Oh, all right. I guess I can keep on
using the shell station.

I dropped the ray gun.

Sorry.