All language subtitles for S07E12 - Amore or Less

Okay, Bull. Then, you light the magic
pan with a flourish.

Wow!

Wow! Cover and let simmer for ten
seconds.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Hear the magic
words. Hocus Pocus, Fishbones Chocus,

and voila!

Mystery Pigeon.

Boy, that's great. A magic trick that
plops on your windshield.

You practice the way I showed you, and I
promise you're going to be the hit of

the Bailiff's Talent Show.

Thank you, sir.

Anything would be better than the
humiliation I suffered last year.

What? You? Did something to humiliate
yourself?

He played Louie Louie on a nose flute.

He had to give refunds to the people in
the first two rows.

Whoa.

Good thing I'm not driving.

See you after court.

Oh!

Miss Sullivan?

Was that a goodbye kiss or was he taking
a throat culture?

Sorry about that.

He's Italian.

So, Miss High Fashion.

You and Detective Giuliano have been
seeing a lot of each other lately.

Yes, we have.

Although it seems like every time we go
out, Tony ends up arresting somebody.

Well, you know, threesomes can be fun,
too.

Believe me, it's hard to be romantic
when there's a flasher handcuffed in

your backseat.

Gives new meaning to dinner and a show.

But tonight is going to be different.
After session, Tony and I are going to

be celebrating our one-month
anniversary.

Aww.

Imagine that. Has it been a month
already?

What is the traditional gift for that?
Mulch?

Sir, I think I have a slight problem
with your trick.

Problem?

I lit the fire, I said the magic words,
but it didn't seem to work.

What'd you get?

And as much as I appreciate your
creativity, Leslie, I'm afraid that your

talents don't really fit the technical
definition of street performer.

$50 fine for a silent solicitation.

You know, most guys prefer a little
noise.

See, Ross?

You know, the Bailiff Talent Contest is
next week, and I could sure use an

assistant. Forget it. There's no way I'm
going to hold your nose flute.

No, I'm doing magic this time, and I'm
determined to show up that Bailiff

Hoover. That prima donna wins every
year.

Wasn't he the guy who played Rhapsody in
Blue on five instruments at the same

time?

Yeah. You're going to count the
saxophone as an instrument.

Look, Bull, I want to put this as gently
as possible.

You don't have talent.

Well, come on, Roz. Now, anybody can do
magic tricks. Look at Harry.

What do you say? Help me out.

I even got you a costume.

You'll wear that before I do.

to have guessed the verdict. Who are our
next contestants, Matt? Yes, sir.

It's two sisters from the borough of
Manhattan.

Let's welcome Lana and Vanna Anders.

Those are the sisters who write those
advice columns. Dear Lana and Ask Vanna.

Why are they here?

Disturbing the peace, Your Honor.

request a raincoat?

What's the problem here, Counselor?
Well, sir, it seems that the human

sprinklers here have been feuding for
years, and when they were both

accidentally booked at the same
luncheon, a vicious fight ensued.

You know, you guys were lucky to be
wearing the protective headgear.

Sir, in light of the fact that this is
basically a family matter, we ask that

you drop the charges.

Well, how am I supposed to do that? I
don't even know who started the fight.

Sir, we're expecting a witness
momentarily who can identify the guilty

party. Okay, then we'll hold the case
over until the witness arrives.

Let's have some lunch.

Excuse me. I just wanted to say thank
you.

I read in your column once that men
never buy the cow if they can get the

milk for free.

I've always followed that advice.

Say, you might want to rethink that,
sweetie.

You're not exactly a calf anymore.

dressed, Christine.

Oh. So where are you and Tony going on
this big date?

Well, I made reservations at a very
fancy French restaurant.

Yo, Sullivan.

Which one? Chez Scuzz?

Oh, no. Not again. I'm sorry. I got a
feeling for Detective Lawrence. He got

stung by a bee and swelled up like the
Michelin Man.

Oh, it took me forever to get those
reservations.

There'll be other restaurants.

Can I even arrange to have the harpist
play your favorite song?

Hey, I can hear shaft any time.

evening out that doesn't end with up
against the wall and spread them.

You know what I mean.

Look, I'm not thrilled about this
either.

Look, the whole time I'm in that
dumpster, I'll be thinking about you.

Now come here. I can't.

You have boogers on your vest.

They're not real.

Six of hearts?

Seven of hearts?

Eight of hearts?

Nine of hearts?

Well... Harry, you've got to give me a
chance.

Let's just say that card tricks are not
your forte.

We've got to come up with something,
sir. Bailiff Hoover's act is going to be

much bigger this year.

Well, the man can't play any more
instruments. He's only got so many

orifices.

Yeah, but I heard he's having a special
pair of pants made, and he's adding a

rhythm section.

Okay, then.

In that case, I have just the thing.

It's flashy, it's a crowd pleaser, and
it's so simple, a monkey can do it.

Are we talking a train monkey?

We're talking anyone.

Well, how'd you like to try out a
straight jacket?

Sure, I can wear anything as long as
it's cut big enough in the rear.

Here, those palsy ones are there.

I'm glad to see somebody's finally
checking the suggestion box.

Yes, I know the corner table is the
jewel of your restaurant, and... I know,

I know. It's awfully late to cancel, and
I'm really... Oh, yeah?

Well... Vous êtes un grand capot, oh,
Dieu!

Whoa, that sounded rough. What did you
call him?

Big Stinky Toad.

That or a wet armchair.

Guess the big date's off, huh?

Oh, Mac, all I wanted was one special
evening. But apparently that's too much

to ask. I'm beginning to think this
relationship isn't going to work.

You know, Christine, new relationships
are like, well, new underwear.

They rub you the wrong way at first, and
then they become real.

Don't you stop hovering around me like
some nightmare chewing gum commercial.

Say, Bob, if you've got a bone to pick,
why don't you just come clean and spill

the beans? Yeah, what's your beef?

All right.

You want to know what my beef is? You
two.

Giving advice to anybody on love and
life.

What could you possibly know about sex?

Purpose appropriation only.

That is sick.

The problem is I'm beginning to realize
that Tony and I are worlds apart.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I mean, he's extroverted. I'm
introverted.

He's spontaneous.

I'm methodical.

He likes to bowl. I won't wear rented
shoes.

Well, you know, I think you picked a
good one with Tony.

Well, you may be worlds apart now, but
hey, look at me and Cornelie. When I met

her, she was playing the gong and
milking a buffalo.

God, she was cute.

Excuse me, dear. I couldn't help
overhearing, but a leopard doesn't

change his spots.

Hand your guy his hat and call it quits.

Nix on that.

Hold on to your man.

Half a loaf is better than none.

Hey, Sullivan, I've been looking for
you.

Don't blow it. Kiss him off.

Excuse me.

Oh.

Good news, Sullivan. Detective
Lawrence's hives went down.

That means I'm free.

Well, what difference does that make? I
canceled everything.

So we'll go someplace else.

Oh, great. We'll roast some weenies over
a garbage can.

Relax. I'll change.

We'll find something.

People dine.

Raccoons find something.

Maybe I'll come back later. I mistook
you for someone that liked me. I've just

been thinking, that's all.

I feel it's time for us to re-evaluate
our relationship.

Again? Didn't we do that last week?

No, we took stock. We didn't
re-evaluate.

What was that Cosmo test you made me
fill out?

Oh, that was completely different. That
was their yearly tune-up for couples.

You know what your problem is?

You spend too much time thinking about
this relationship and not enough time in

it. And your problem is you spend all
your time at work and no time thinking

about this relationship.

You know what? You don't want me. You
want some guy who quit his job so he can

watch Phil Donahue.

Oh, yeah.

And you know what you want? You want
some cop groupie whose idea of a great

night out is watching a lineup and
guessing which guy did it.

You got two out of three.

I don't even know why we're discussing
this. We're obviously from two different

worlds. Mine's Earth. I don't know where
you're from.

You know, I don't need this kind of
talk. Hey, I don't need any of this.

Well, fine.

Then why don't we just forget the whole
thing? Fine. Fine. Fine.

I thought things were going great with
you guys. They were. Then bada-bing, she

turns on me like a pit bull.

Granted, a great-looking pit bull.

Ah, women.

Can't live with them.

Can't do most positions without them.

Never fails.

You're in a relationship long enough,
women will always invent a problem.

You know, Tony, that's why I try to end
things before breakfast.

Yeah, well, it'll drive you screwy if
you don't know how to handle them.

You've had a lot of experience, Judge.

Me? Huh.

Me?

Women are drawn to men in powerful
positions like mine.

Drawn.

Yeah, if I had a dime for every woman.
You could make a phone call.

Yeah.

But it'd be a long phone call.

want to see him again he's cocky he's
inconsiderate he's self-centered men who

need them right of course it's hard to
get your caboose rattled without one

what do you know about s-e-x

your legs have been together longer than
the mills brother

guys

they get you to care for them they walk
all over you with no regard for your

feeling

Put up with them.

I'll tell you why.

Because late at night, when the chips
are down, who else are you going to get

to kill a spider?

Oh, then there was Bertie Lila the
lumberjack.

Living among the trees had made her
strange.

But guys, until you've made love in a
log flume...

Cheap thrills are not what women are
after. Hey, this is not so cheap I had

to buy her a flannel shirt and a jug of
syrup.

Well, Miss Sullivan is not the kind of
woman that you've had experience with.

Oh, really?

You would be surprised how far I've
gotten with our public defender?

In your dreams, Fielding.

Oh, yeah?

Then how do I know that she has a
birthmark on her upper right...

Because you sit across from her and you
drop your pencil every five minutes.

I was just asking.

Now, I, on the other hand, I have a
rapport with Miss Sullivan that is not

unlike... The last we had with Timmy.

So what I'm hearing here is that neither
of you guys have gotten anywhere with

this lady. Hey, nobody gets nowhere with
Christine Sullivan.

You mean as long as you've known her,
she's never had a serious relationship

with any guy?

Well, let's see. Would that include her
father?

What is she, afraid of men or something?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, that has to be
it, doesn't it? I mean, of course. I

mean, you didn't get past first base
either, did you?

Second base.

Third.

How's the trick for the talent show
coming, Bull?

Not as good as I'd hoped.

Any suggestions?

Don't reproduce.

Come on, Ross.

You gotta help me.

Oh, all right, if you're gonna snivel.

handle a sledgehammer. I could swing one
pretty good.

Oh, you're not going to be swinging it.

Then they both picked up stalks of
celery and started swatting each other.

Most abusive use of garnishes I've ever
seen.

I see. So they both started the fight.

Oh, for Pete's sake. Mr. Lifton is
obviously prejudiced against my client.

And I wouldn't be surprised if he had a
long history of problems with women.

No, I don't.

Liar. Miss Sullivan.

Your Honor, go easy on her. I think
maybe she's having her monthly visit

from Mr.

Cranky.

Dan Fielding, that is the crassest,
crudest, most outrageous thing anybody's

ever said to me.

I think you're right.

Well, ladies, I'm going to have to find
you both guilty, but I would consider

dismissing the fines if you two would
think about making up.

Over my dead body.

You know, those fines could add up to
more than $500.

You know, sis, you're looking better to
me all the time.

Why did we ever start feuding in the
first place?

Jealousy?

You were the pretty one.

That's pretty much what it's all about,
isn't it, sir?

Not for me, Mac. I'm in it for the power
and the free robes.

Adjourned!

Hey, say, Judge, would you mind giving
us a hand? Our hair is stopped.

Hey, Sullivan, I need to talk to you for
a few minutes.

Why? I thought we broke up.

Just come with me. It's important.

If it's so important, why don't you just
get a warrant for my arrest?

You thought that would be so cute, I
would just forget about everything and

fall back into your arms. You know,
you've got... Hey!

You've got the right to remain silent.

Use it.

He arrested her.

What a lame way to pick up a woman.

Yeah.

Can I do that, Harry?

Come on, Sullivan. It'll just take a
minute.

I can save you some time. I've seen the
roof.

Just stop arguing and look.

Oh, my.

This is just like Lady and the Tramp.

Who are these people?

Oh, my kid did time for auto theft.

I put Eddie here away for forgery.

And Vinnie, the accordion player, went
to jail for playing the accordion.

Why did you go to all this trouble?

Because I wanted to show you how badly I
felt about ruining the night.

Oh, I guess I overreacted, too. You
know, I should have known better.

Cosmo said you had hidden sensitivity.

If we just leave Cosmo out of this for a
while, I think we've got bigger things

to talk about.

You want a taste of Keanu, man?

Hey, Mike, we're talking here. Taste it
yourself.

I guess he never heard of privacy.

Is it true, Sullivan, that you've never
had a serious relationship with any guy?

I'm a detective. I figure things out.

What's going on here?

Shh. We're listening to the two
lovebirds on the roof.

Hey, Sullivan, you still haven't
answered my question.

You people should be ashamed of
yourselves. That's a private

conversation. Get out of here.

Well, pardon us for living, but the
graveyard's full.

The nerve of those people.

Relationships have to do with anything.

Well, I just figured with all your tests
and your surveys, you probably

overanalyzed them, too.

Geez, you make me sound like some kind
of statistics analyst.

I saw your graph.

It was just a projection.

The point is, we might not look so good
together on paper, but sometimes you

just gotta trust your feelings.

It's not as easy as you make it sound.

But it's not that tough.

Let me show you.

I'm crazy about this lady.

Now you.

I know people in this city. Sullivan.

Okay.

Hi, New York. I like this guy.

Now shut up and go to sleep.

Hey, shut up yourself.

Well, that's a start.

Yeah, maybe I could afford to let my
guard down a little bit.

If only I knew where this was going.
Hey.

There are no guarantees.

Might be a hell of a ride.

What do you say?

Could I just re-evaluate one more thing?

What?

I think they're kissing.

Either that or the shrimp are especially
succulent.

No, they're kissing.

I'd say lips about a half inch apart.

Tongue's engaged.

Teeth slightly scraping.

What the hell are you doing?

Dan? Dan, feel and get away from that
vent this instant.

Uh, no.

Cleaning, lathing, sweeping, mopping,
much work.

We're out of the ballgame, pal.

What do you think, maybe you'd let me
pitch in once in a while?

Good idea, Ross.

No one's gonna top this.

Stop moving, Bull, or you're gonna die.