All language subtitles for S07E08 - Attack of the Mach Snacks

$8.95 for a whoopee cushion?

Gee, I remember a day when you could
humiliate someone for under five bucks.

You don't have to tell me about the
rising cost of inflatables.

Your Honor, your new stenographer's
here.

Hi, I'm Tracy Knight.

Well, hi there, Tracy Knight. I'm Judge
Harry Stone.

Assistant District Attorney Dan Fielding
at your service.

Mr. Fielding, yes, I've heard a lot
about you.

Oh, then my ads are working.

Come on, Tracy, I'll show you the
courtroom.

Uh, wait up. There's a few things I want
to show you myself.

Hey, Harry, you got a second?

For what, Mac? Well, Kwan Lee and I are
thinking about maybe getting a little

retail business started, and she wanted
to get your advice on it.

For some reason.

What are you thinking of selling?

These.

Oh, hey, great.

What is it?

Well, they're Vietnamese snacks.

Kwan Lee makes them from an old secret
family recipe.

Oh, Mac, you know how tough it would be
to get something like this out on the

market? Well, I knew I could get a
little involved.

Involved? Mac, you need cash.

For raw materials, labor, license fees,
insurance.

Insurance? For these little crackers?

You're gonna need it. And there's
competition. Mac, do you know how good

these things would have to be for you to
get investors?

$5,000 enough to get you started?

Therefore, I feel as though it's my duty
to do everything I can to make it safer

for the women of New York.

You moving to Chicago?

Rosalind, you kidder.

So, Tracy, what do you say maybe we get
together after the session, just the two

of us?

Dan, before this goes any further, let's
get something straight.

I make it a strict policy never to date
my coworkers.

Oh, so do I.

I hope you didn't misread my intentions.
I merely meant if you have any

questions, maybe I could help answer
them.

Oh.

Well, that's awfully nice.

Maybe some other time.

See you later.

Toodles.

I'll have her in a week.

Needless to say, impersonating the vice
president is a very serious offense.

That's a $200 fine, and would you tell
the Secret Service agents they've been

watching the wrong guy?

That's recess.

I gotta admit, you are a dead ringer for
Walter Mondale.

We've got a photographer waiting.

Photographer's what?

For the promotions for our MacSnacks.

What the hell is a MacSnack?

That's the name I came up with for our
new product. Pretty jazzy, huh?

Sounds stupid.

That's what they said about the
ding-dong.

Darn, this thing's stuck again.

Tracy, maybe I can give you a hand.

There you go.

You have been so helpful the last couple
of days, Dan.

I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions about
your intention.

How about letting me buy you a cup of
coffee to make amends?

No, I don't think that's a very good
idea. You know how rumors get started.

You mean, like, that one about you
knowing the bra size of every woman in

the building?

Is that scurrilous lie still being
bandied about?

Oh, well, see, there's a prime example
why our relationship should stay totally

professional.

What's with you, Dan?

You think maybe she's a guy?

It's obvious she has bad experiences
with men. I think it important to

befriend her, earn her respect.

Then I'll take advantage of her.

It's nice to know in this ever-changing
world that you'll always be your

disgustingly perverted self.

Come on, me.

Chrissy?

Uncle Floyd?

What brings you to the big city? Well,
we just wound up our annual ball-bearing

convention.

Ooh, I bet the networks were fighting to
cover that one.

Actually, it was pretty exciting. As you
know, our goal is a friction-free

America.

Well, I suppose you'll be heading back
to Wichita now.

No, I get $100 off my airfare by staying
a week, so...

That couch of yours still pulled out
into a bed?

Ah, yes.

If I put the dining room table out on
the balcony and I put the TV set into

the fireplace... Great.

I'll wait for you in the back.

Like your new roomie.

That man is the biggest cheapskate
alive.

Last time we had dinner together, he
stole the ashtray off the table.

A lot of people take those from
restaurants.

We're eating at my place.

Wow, is that a real metal detector?

Yep. Can I see how it works? Sure.

You got a quarter?

Right here.

Worked every time.

God, can you do that again? Sure.

You got another quarter?

Somebody's gonna pay for this.

Looks great, Matt, doesn't it?

Hey, you look terrific.

Hey, Matt, come on now. Relax.

I know you're new to all this, but
Nick's gonna walk you right through it.

He'll make it easy. He's one of the tops
in his field.

Okay? He's all yours, Nick.

Okay, now.

We want a big...

Harry.

Did I mention that Nick's a baby
photographer?

What? He was having a special.

Oh, come on, Mac.

Sammy the Shutterbug says, smile, and
you'll get a big surprise.

Uncle Nick's gonna get a big surprise
when I put Sammy where the flash don't

shine.

past the construction site, and those
workers were hollering things about

every part of my anatomy.

Like what?

Oh, you know.

Nice legs, nice butt, nice bod.

Nice yabos that would make a Trappist
monk scream, Yo, shake them, mama!

Well, no, they didn't say that.

Oh, well, from what I understand, it's
pretty common.

Tracy, on behalf of all men.

I apologize.

Well, thanks.

You know, I just wish all guys were as
courteous and respectful as you.

Don't ever change.

All right, here's something. How about
going to the museum to see the currency

exhibit?

I don't know.

It's free.

Yeah, but they'd want a donation.

Okay. Maybe you have a suggestion.

Well, actually, I was thinking maybe we
could get some lunch. I'm starving.

Oh, I'm sorry. I won't be able to join
you. I've got to prepare for session.

Well, I wasn't that hungry.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Here's five dollars.

Thanks.

Can I get you anything?

Oh, yeah. As a matter of fact, I'd like
a cup of coffee.

Sure.

What is so important that it can't wait?
Trust me, Mac, you're gonna love this.

Voila!

Takes your breath away, don't it?

It's humiliating.

In case you forgot, I work in this
building.

Sure, just like Clark. Works at the
Daily Planet.

Harry, this is not at all what Quan Lee
and I had in mind.

We wanted to sell him in the cafeteria.

Wrap him in a little cellophane.

Maybe a bow.

Cellophane in a bow? Yeah.

That's pathetic.

Stone! Hey, Marv! Glad you could drop
by.

Well, now, you make it worth my while,
and it'll be my pleasure.

Marv, I want you to meet my partner, Mac
Robinson.

Nice to meet you, Robinson.

That's you in the sissy outfit?

Yeah, you got a problem with that?

Excuse us a second, Marv.

Max. What? You know who that is? That's
Mini-Mart Marv.

Mini-Mart who?

Mini-Mart Marv, the owner of over 600 of
Marv's Metro Mini-Marts. If he likes Max

snacks, he could order up to 1,000 bags.

1,000 a month?

1,000 a day.

So why don't we just get right down to
business and suck down some of them Mac

Snackers. Here we go. Oh, a

nice package.

Intriguing bouquet.

Very intriguing.

Not bad.

Not so passed on.

Anyone can enjoy the first man. The real
market is in multiple sales.

Wait, so how many do you need?

Five. Five?

The day I discovered marshmallow prune
gooey, I ate 16 of them.

And I wanted for more.

Let's show Marv that everyone likes Max
Neff. Okay, yeah.

Rock, help us out.

Oh, gee, could I?

I'll take the lasagna.

It's good to eat where they know you.

Thirty cents for a bread roll.

Have you got anything a day old?

Have a snack, Floyd.

Why would I want those?

They're free.

Got any more?

will let us know for sure.

Let's go, guys.

Matt, what the hell did you do to these
things? The ones I ate the other day

were fine. I don't know. You had me up
all night baking these things. I mean, I

was tired. Maybe I put in too much of
Cornley's secret spice.

Is that secret spice by any chance come
in a package with a picture of a dead

roach on it?

Don't start in on me, Harry.

Matt, you poisoned Minnie Martmore.

Well, he'd still be alive if you hadn't
invited him down here. You're the one

who made the snacks that were good to
the last...

boys forgot we passed out a few dozen of
these death packs.

Oh, great. Now we're talking mass
murder.

Well, Ross, cover the building. Don't
let any of those mack stacks loose.

And to avoid a panic, let's downplay the
poison angle.

Right. I'll just say they have razor
sharp edges that'll shred your

intestines like confetti.

Maybe even more subtle.

You're the boss.

for you.

For moi?

For being such a gentleman.

You make me blush.

Most men we work with are always coming
on to me or leering at me like some

sexual object.

You know, that outrage is my feminine
side.

You know, not that I'm a prude or
anything. In fact, away from the office,

I'm a very physical woman.

You are?

Oh, yes.

When I'm with the right man, something
just comes over me.

Oh. I lose all control and give in to
mad, lustful animal passions.

My mind says no, but my body says yes.

I am. I'm much better.

41, 42.

Oh, man, we're still six short.

We're gonna fry.

Mac, get a grip on yourself.

This was not premeditated. It was
accidental death by snack.

Oh, yeah?

Tell me that when you're playing hard to
get at the prison dance.

Here's all I can find.

Damn,

there are still...

I don't understand why you're so upset.

I have never been around anyone who
found it necessary to steal toilet

paper.

Well, I didn't see any sign saying you
had to use it here.

All right, Uncle Floyd, I'm going to say
something now in language I don't

usually use, but I can't help it.

Uncle Floyd, you're a big mooch.

Well, I never realized there was
anything wrong.

with being thrifty.

Look, maybe it would be better for our
relationship if you were just to go home

now.

It'll cost me a hundred dollars to
change my flight.

Oh, look at me. I've been picked to the
bone.

Not as if I've been having a great time.
The highlight of my trip has been this

free bag of snacks.

Shut up!

Don't eat those!

Why not?

No reason.

Floyd, why don't you just give me the
bag?

Give you the bag?

Sir, would you mind telling me what's
going on here? Chrissy, I'll handle it.

Fellas, you seem to want this bag pretty
bad.

Okay, Floyd.

Let's be honest.

The snacks are poison.

If you eat them, you'll die.

Right.

No, no, really. He's telling you the
truth.

Well, in that case, I could part with
them for a small fee, say $50.

$50? Harry, why don't you just let him
eat the snacks?

Because they're poison.

And?

Come back. I am like fruit on the vine.
Without you, I will shrivel like a

raisin.

I don't? No.

The only reason you want me is because
you can't have me. The truth is, you

don't even find me appealing.

Oh, yes, I do.

No, you don't. Trust me. You are not
attracted to me, and I am not attracted

to you. I'll show you.

Of course, we could have some fun then,
huh?

Last call, Judge.

Fifty dollars.

I'm not paying fifty bucks for any lousy
bag of puffed rice.

That's right, you're not, because the
price just went up to a hundred.

Sounds fair to me.

Whose side are you on?

I'll make it up to you, but I'll just
get him on a plane out of here.

I can take him out clean from here, sir.

Come on, we need $200. Everybody pull
your money.

How much you got?

Thirteen bucks and a... and a coupon
from Prang's Kickboxing Academy.

This is worth $20, and you get kicked by
Prang himself.

I need a favor.

Not... Now, Dan. This is important.

I want you to fire me.

Don't be ridiculous.

Just for a couple of days.

An hour.

Fifteen minutes.

Dan, I have a real crisis here. I've got
to come up with $200 now.

Stop me. No matter what it takes, stop
me. Harry, we just got a call from the

corner. Max Snacks didn't kill Marv.

What? It was cardiac arrest.

His arteries were clogged with
marshmallow prune gooey.

We're back in business!

Don't worry.

This sort of thing will stop once they
hit puberty.

And by the time we're finished, this
face is going to be smiling out of every

lunchbox in America.

Oh, no, it's not.

What is it now, Mac? Well, what it is is
we've got to get some stuff straight.

Such as? Such as. You may be my boss in
court, but in the Mac Snack business, we

are partners.

Well, Mac, I admit I'm pathologically
decisive. I'm not done talking.

Right. And you don't tell me to pose for
photos without discussing it with me

beforehand. You're right there. You see
what I mean?

And you don't design packages or
displays without consulting me.

That sounds reasonable. And you don't
bring in buyers without checking with me

first.

Now, if we're working together, it's
going to be 50-50 or nothing at all.

Now, have you got that?

I think so.

Anything else? No. Now, get out of here.

get used to this sort of thing.

Ross, we'll be starting court in a
minute.

Not until you find a new prosecutor.

You fired Dan, remember?

Oh, yeah.

Where is he now?

Guest.

This wasn't meant to be.

You okay, Dan?

I need...