All language subtitles for S07E02 - If I were a rich Man

What? You want to sign this?

Yeah.

Ross, are you wearing a new perfume?

No, but I just did a hundred push-ups.
Maybe that's it.

No. It smells like one of those frilly
French perfumes.

That's me, sir.

Matt, is this one of those midlife
things?

Oh, no, sir. You see, uh, when Kwan Lee
started selling Bunny Faye cosmetics

and, uh... Well, I accidentally spilled
a little bit of the pagan holiday on me.

I guess it's kind of strong, huh?

No worse than your average septic tank.

Mac, you selling cosmetics, huh?

Do you get to drive one of those little
pink cars and let everybody know you're

a Bonifay girl?

Hey, I'm not a Bonifay girl. Quan Lee
is.

Oh, ignore him, Mac.

Bonifay makes a very good product.

Do they still sell no surrender?

No, that's been replaced by Lust
Weekend.

Oh, what the hell happened to you?

Nothing really.

I was just dragged three blocks in the
bumper of a taxi cab.

You know, for an extra couple of bucks,
they let you ride inside.

There he is.

Excuse me, but I'd like to thank you,
Mr., uh... Shannon. Bull Shannon.

Who are you? I'm Jordan King.

Jordan King?

King Towers? King Resorts?

King Mining, estimated fortune of $2.2
billion.

Let me shake your hand.

Mr. King is pleased to meet you, sir.
So, Mr.

King, what brings you to our little
courtroom?

Your friend, Mr. Shannon, saved my life.
Mr. King was crossing the street when a

cab ran alight. Fortunately, in the nick
of time, Mr. Shannon pushed Mr. King to

safety. I can talk, Frank.

Shutting up, sir.

Now, Mr. Shannon, to show my gratitude,
I am prepared to offer you a rewarding,

dynamic job you never dreamed was
possible.

You're going to make me head bail?

No, I can't arrange that, but how would
you like to work for me in your spare

time? Oh.

Well, okay.

Excellent. I'll see you Monday.

Frank?

Mr. King, I think it's wonderful that
you would reward a man who saved your

life. Watch out!

Those pencils were so sharp!

Thank God you weren't hurt. Oh, no, no,
no, no. I don't expect anything in

return. Oh, no.

Nonsense. Frank?

Reward this man.

One free round at any king's goofy golf.

Hi, Ross.

Hey, Quanley.

Ross, how would you like some makeup
that will have men falling at your feet?

No, thanks. I get enough of that in a
drunk tank.

Hello, Max.

Oh, hi, honey.

What brings you down here?

Oh, I just need the checkbook to pay a
couple of bills.

What bills?

Oh, the usual.

The phone bill, the gas bill, the 15
cases of Bonifay makeup in our living

room. What?

Mac, don't you see? If we sell 15 cases
every month, we could afford the house

of our dreams with white picket fence
and Astro Turk patio.

Well, perhaps I should remind you that
except for the lipstick your aunt bought

out of pity, you haven't sold squat.

Mac, I will succeed because I...

I want to make Manhattan smell better.

Have you considered Ariel Spring?

Look, Mac, it says here the key to
success is hosting a makeup party.

So I'm going to have one right here.

Oh, there's nobody here going to buy
makeup.

Trust me, it will work.

Now help me pass out these flowers. Ah,
no, I want nothing to do with this.

Okay, Mr. Negative.

But if we don't move that makeup, we'll
be out $6,000.

Uh, get your bunny fake cosmetics.

Redemonstration next Tuesday.

Sorry I'm late, sir. I had a busy day
with Jordan.

Oh, that's okay, Bull. We don't start
flinging out justice for a couple of

minutes yet.

Bull, what do you do for Jordan? Sniff
his mail.

Well, actually, today we flew down to
Palm Beach for lunch and tennis.

Boy, that Prince of Monaco has a heck of
a forehand.

Play tennis with the Prince of Monaco?

No, I just stood on the sidelines with
Diane Sawyer.

Oh, my God.

A diamond Rolex?

Jordan says, what's the point of making
billions if you can't spend it on your

friends?

Paul, I want to be Jordan's friend, too.

Sorry, Dan, but it's my job to keep
scummy lowlifes like you away from Mr.

King.

Sure, fine.

You're in good with Mr. King, so who
cares about Dan Fielding, right?

Yep.

Wow, Bull, neat.

You spent a day in Palm Beach?

Well, not all day.

This afternoon, Jordan, me, and a
surveyor checked out some swamps in New

Jersey. What were you doing visiting a
swamp?

I don't know.

Jordan's trying to put together some
secret big deal billionaire thing.

Well, Bull, if it's a secret, do you
really think you should be telling us

about it?

You guys, seat.

We drove for about two hours down
Highway 1 to the spot that was nothing

but garbage and swamp.

What exit?

All about a mile east of the Carmichael
exit. Why?

Huh? No, no, Bull, I didn't say
anything.

You don't think anyone heard me, do you?

Out of my way for a minute! Out, out!

Nah.

Go get yourself some floss.

Well, is that good? Well, yeah, yeah,
yeah.

Oh, he thinks, Dan, what are you being
insufferable about now?

Well, I happen to be the owner of five
acres of prime New Jersey swampland. I

might interest one Jordan King.

How do you know that?

A little birdie told me.

Dan, you heard that from Bull.

All right, a huge ball condor told me.

You've known me for six years. You can
ask me that question.

Okay, Mackey, let's rack them and break
them. Yes, sir.

People versus Williams.

I'm guessing that these guys are not
longshoremen?

The plaintiffs work at the Gilded Grotto
nightclub where they take part in a

female impersonator show.

I'd do a Judy Garland and it would have
you down on your knees.

Over a toilet, maybe.

Mr. Prosecutor.

Um, well, it seems that before the early
show, Mr. Williams broke into the club,

started trashing their dressing room and
the costumes of the Hardley boys.

Your Honor, my client feels he was
provoked by the mere presence of the

club in his neighborhood.

They are an abomination. They are
disgusting.

Perfect.

This is America, pal.

And I got the inalienable right to make
my living dressed as a broad if I want

to. You tell him, Arnie. Mr.

Williams' court finds you guilty. You're
gonna have to pay damages, a hundred

dollar fine, and time served.

Uh, what about our costumes? The cops
took them as evidence. We still got a

show to do tonight.

That's the lute to Funny Girl.

You guys do Funny Girl?

Right, I guess you'd have to, wouldn't
you?

Give the fellas a hand finding their
costumes and wigs, okay?

Does your mother know you're doing this?

These are her pumps.

Okay.

And let's call out a recess, people.

Hey! Okay, hey, listen, the whole
building knows about your party tonight.

I hope you're ready to start pushing
that blush.

Mac, I don't think I'll be able to.

We've got $6,000 riding on this.

I think I'm going to be sick.

What? Hey, no, no, no. Look, it's just
nerves now. Just say I'm not sick.

I'm not sick.

Whoa.

You win.

Mr. Fielding. Frank Davis. I'm Jordan
King's assistant.

Oh, yeah.

I've been expecting you.

Mr. King would like you to come meet
with him this evening.

Oh, well, you tell your boss if he wants
to do business with Dan Fielding.

He comes to me at my convenience.

9.15 in his office. I'll be there.

I'm going to be rich.

I'm going to be disgustingly,
obnoxiously rich.

Good to know money won't change you.

Listen, Armando, let's go with the white
stretch limo, okay? But forget the hot

tub. I want the red leather interior,
though.

The wet bar, the VCR.

Hey, what the hell?

Let's go with the hot tub.

Right. Okay, thanks.

Dan, you think maybe you've gone a bit
overboard on this Jordan King business?

Oh, Harry, can't you see? Look at... I
mean, I was meant to be rich.

Look at the way these suits hang on me,
would you?

And look at this profile. For God's
sake.

Yeah, you know, when you're rich, you
can get that fixed.

And I will.

But first, I've got to play this just
right.

Because, you see, if I ask King for too
little, I'll be blowing the opportunity

of a lifetime. But if I ask for too
much, he'll think I don't know what I'm

doing. That's why I'm going to open the
bidding at $20 million.

$20 million?

You're right. Too much. You're right.
$10 million. No, no, no. Round numbers

are bad. $7.5 million. No, no. Then
he'll think I'm trying to avoid a round

number.

Dan, here's a wacky idea.

Why don't you ask him for fair market
value?

Eric, you know I envy people like you.

Guys who are satisfied with their little
five-figure salaries, but it's just not

that easy for guys like me who hear the
call to greatness.

But I'm warning you, you keep this up
and you're going to end up with no

friends in the world. You're going to be
surrounded by leeching sycophants who

only like you for your money.

Gives me goosebumps just thinking about
it.

Okay, Doc. Well, thanks. Thanks a lot.
Bye.

Hey, Mac. How's Kwame Lee doing? Pretty
bad.

I told her not to buy oysters from a
street vendor.

that party?

Looks like we got ourselves a big, hairy
Bonnie Faye girl.

Uh-uh. No way I'm hosting that thing.

Oh, come on, Mac.

No one's gonna laugh at you just because
you're demonstrating cosmetics for

women.

Oh, don't worry, Mac. All you have to do
is read Quan Lee's presentation.

Well, I don't know. Oh, trust me. You
won't embarrass yourself.

What is beauty?

A butterfly, a hummingbird, it always
flies away. But you can bring it home to

roost with the help of Bunny Faye.

After this, he might have to go into one
of those witness relocation programs.

Now, just for attending, Bunny Faye
would like to give you a complimentary

keychain for that special man or men in

your life.

Ross, would you pass these out for me,
please?

You bet.

Thank you.

Now, I'd like to begin by showing you
our new line of...

Summer's Blossom Eye Makeup.

Now, how many of you hated when your
eyeshadow kicks at the ridges? I know I

do.

Well, that is, that is, I know how much
my wife hates it.

Juan Lee and I have been married a long
time.

We've got a little daughter.

We could have a lot more if we wanted
to.

If he starts bragging about his sperm
count, I'm out of here.

Mr.

King will be with you in just a second.
Okay, here you go. A little something

for your Trump...

I paid $2.4 million for it last week.

Can I get you a drink?

Oh, no.

You know what?

I've been reading a lot about you
lately.

Oh, yeah? Nothing good, I hope.

Have a seat.

Oh, thanks.

Very beautiful couch.

You tell Mr. Simons that we have nothing
more to discuss.

A guy Simons thinks just because I'm
Jordan King, he can hold me up for more

than he deserves.

No. Yes.

So sometimes, Dan, I have to make an
example of one of these guys.

Show him that if you're going to play
hardball with Jordan King, you better

wear your cup.

You all right?

Oh, yeah.

You know what? If I could, maybe I'll
have some water.

So, Fielding, what type of real estate
do you prefer to invest in?

Commercial? Industrial?

Well, you know, actually, myself, I like
to dabble. A little of this, a little of

that.

All right, Fielding. We both know why
we're here.

I want that New Jersey property. I'm
going to make a check out for it right

now. What do you want for it?

Okay.

Fair enough.

Well, I've thought it over.

that I cannot accept a penny less than
5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 5, 4, 9, 40,

I'll give you a million and a half
dollars.

No. Did I say no?

Yes, you did. And I meant it.

All right.

Two million dollars.

You know, I really had my heart set on
building a summer place out there.

Building at the swamp. Oh, you stilt.

Okay, Dan.

is my final offer.

Three million dollars?

I trust you can show yourself out?

Oh, yeah, you bet.

Yeah, I'm gone. I'm history. I'm a
ghost. I'm in the elevator.

I'm down on the street. I'm having
sushi. You're still here.

Yeah, you know, Jordan, this is a lot of
money, but I don't think it would pay

for the speed bump in the New Jersey
project.

So what do you say you and I stop
fooling around and we start talking

about some real money?

All right, Fielding, you win.

I do?

Yep. Whoa, I don't know what to say.

I feel strange. I feel numb. I feel...

think i'm gloating do you no no not at
all i really wanted to develop that

property fielding but well now i guess
i'll have to go with my alternate plan

alternate plan yes the delaware project
oh

wait jordy babe look at us they're
picking over pennies

Three mil it is. Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.

That offers ancient history. But it was
just a minute ago. Okay, okay, fine.

Two mil.

All right, fine, fine, fine. One mil.

Okay, just let me keep the vase.

Just... I'm... I'm leveraged to the
hills here.

And now you don't want to buy my swamp?

I've ruined... You know something,
Fielding?

You're... a fighter. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I respect that.

And to show you that I'm a decent guy,
I'm going to take that worthless

property off your hands.

Okay. But, of course, I'll have to have
a number that guarantees me at least a

reasonable profit. You'll take what I
give you and consider yourself lucky.

Yeah, I will. Thank you.

Here.

Here's your dresses, fellas.

Lock, stock, and faulty.

It's about time.

Would have had them sooner, but
apparently the guy down in evidence has

the same hobby as you.

Just a little bit to extend the eye, and
voila, a dramatic new you.

I have to admit it, Mac, you're getting
much better.

So, ladies, who wants to be first to buy
a Bunny Faye makeup kit?

I am not. buying anything that makes me
look like a hooker. Hey, I resent that.

Ladies, come back. You forgot your
keychains.

Oh, now how in the hell am I going to
get rid of all this junk?

There's a phone. I'll call the theater.

What's wrong, fellas?

They destroyed all our makeup. We can't
go on stage looking like this.

So, Dan, how'd it go with Jordan King?

Well, Harry, he's a tough cookie.

But I made sure he'll never forget the
name Dan Fielding. He took you to the

cleaners, huh?

Yes.

How bad was it?

$9,000?

That's pretty good for a piece of swamp
land.

What'd you pay for it?

Someday you're going to look back on
this.

No, don't look back on this.

Hey, Matt. Yeah.

I'm real sorry about laughing at you
earlier.

Oh, hey, it's okay.

No, that's something I never like to do.
Unless, of course, I'm out of earshot.

Look. Don't worry about it. It was
nothing that selling 12 cases of makeup

couldn't fix. No! Oh, yeah!

You sold it? Uh-huh. I bet Miss Bonnie
Faye is going to be awfully proud of

you. Well, I wouldn't be so sure about
that.

Well, Judge, I got to run.

But any time you want to see the show,
you just let me know.

Thanks. My taste in impersonators tends
to lean more towards Rich Little.

Change your tune when you see Charlie in
evening wear. By the way, where is

Charlie?

Hey, watch it, butthead.

Come on, fellas, let's get out of here.

You ever have one of those...