All language subtitles for S07E01 - Life with Buddy

Hey, guys.

Care for some airline snacks?

You know, most people only can get one
or two bags of these. That is, unless,

of course, they know somebody.

Somebody who works on an airplane,
somebody who wears a stylish uniform,

and I'm not talking about the pilot.

Wow, you know a baggage handler?

No, but it so happens that three
gorgeous stewardesses at this moment are

in my apartment.

Whoa, I see a wild game of Yahtzee
tonight, huh?

Au contraire. It seems their shower
broke, so they're using mine. And I

guess I don't have to tell you what that
might lead to.

A lot of hair in your drink.

So, sir, what do you think?

I think if we're done by nine, I'm going
to be flying Lufthansa.

Notice anything different?

No. What?

Can't you see?

It's a lot shorter than it was.

Oh, yeah.

You can see that barraco's vein a lot
easier now.

Ah, fielding. Have I got good news.
Good. You finally found me an apartment?

Not an apartment. A show place. Looking
for new digs, Dad?

Mark Colson, Colson Realty. I can find
anyone the apartment of their dreams.

Perfect. Park Avenue, three bedrooms.
What a view. Look at those high

ceilings. Oh, yeah. No more hitting your
head when you use a trampoline.

Looks like a palace. Where'd you find
it? Well, I recently learned the current

owner is moving to a far, far better
place.

Oh, ick.

You're one of those creeps that go
looking through the obituaries to try to

find apartments of people who just died.

I beg your pardon. I find apartments
whose owners are about to die.

Hey, come on. The guy's 97 years old.
He's on to his last two original organs.

Dan, that's low.

Oh, Mac, come on. Wait a minute.

When I signed with this agency, I didn't
know he was doing this.

Yeah, sure, I want an apartment, but I'm
not going to forego my humanity.

This is ghoulish. This is wrong. It's
$200 a month.

You let me know the minute he croaks.

And while I applaud your efforts to
bring culture to the people, I don't

think New York is ready for Shakespeare
on the interstate.

Guilty of obstructing traffic and a
50-farthing fine.

Lay on, McDuff. Yes, sir. Next case,
people versus Buddy Ryan.

Hi, Harry.

Buddy, what are you doing here?

Harry, that's a question that stumped
philosophers for centuries.

Sir, the charge is inciting a riot.

Apparently, he tried to organize a
mutiny on the Staten Island ferry.

Somebody had to.

Harry, those poor wretches were at their
breaking point. They were exhausted,

overworked, their spirits crushed.

Buddy, they're commuters.

Well, obviously, because of our
relationship, I'm going to have to

excuse myself from this case. Oh, no,
sir, that won't be necessary. The

transit authority has agreed to drop
charges in light of the fact that he was

a patient in a... Nut barn?

Not anymore.

They had a budget cut. It was brutal.

What, you mean to save a couple of bucks
they stopped your treatment and threw

you out on the street?

No, they stopped the square dances.

Just wasn't the same after that, so I
checked out.

Mr. Prosecutor, how do the people feel
about dismissing the charge?

What, let a banana cake loose on the
streets of New York?

Join the party, eh?

Case dismissed.

That's one hour, people. And I sentenced
Mr. Ryan to have lunch with me.

Hey, that's great.

Harry, if they're serving broccoli, I
can show you my shadow puppet of

Margaret Thatcher.

Christine?

I wanted to talk to you about your hair.

I knew it. I knew you noticed it.

Oh, I noticed right away.

But nobody else will if you shave those
suckers now.

So, buddy, you got a place to live?

Yeah, I'm headed over to my friend
Norby's place.

Norby? Norby, isn't he the guy who has
the fluorescent eyebrows?

Come to think of it, he does.

Well, you know, if that doesn't work
out, you can always come live with me.

Boy, that's generous. Why would you do
that?

Because you're my father.

Who told you?

You did.

Remember? You and my mom fell in love at
the institution.

We met a couple of years ago, and
then...

Last month, you revealed to me that
you're my father.

Oh, that.

Son!

Oh, hey, Harry. So, what do you say,
huh?

Stop by later? We can divvy up those
stewardesses. You take domestic, I'll

take international.

Sorry, Dano, I'm flying solo.

Building. Yeah, I just got off the phone
with the hospital. Is he? Not yet.

But they called in a priest.

Yeah!

Oh,

everything's falling into place. Now all
we have to do is slip five grand to the

building super.

Five grand? For a guy who sits in his
basement, blows his nose in sandpaper?

Look, even a dump on Park Avenue rents
for $2,000. You're getting a rent

-controlled beauty for $200.

All right, all right, all right.

Well, listen, you tell him for five
grand when he comes over to fix my sink,

I don't want to see any butt cleavage.

Which one is it?

Swiss Air?

Lufthansa? Air Lingus?

You got me, Harry.

Buddy, I thought you were a sexy blonde
Scandinavian.

Well, you're not the first one to make
that mistake.

How'd you get in here, buddy?

The door was open.

There were three half-naked women
running around here like they owned the

place.

Don't worry about it. I got rid of them
for you.

Buddy, I thought you were going to stay
with your pal Norby.

Oh, strange thing about Norby's place.

Turned out it was all in his mind.

It's a shame, too. Really had a great
view.

Luckily, I remembered your offer to stay
here.

Oh, yeah, I did say something about
that, didn't I? Harry, isn't this great?

You and me, father and son, living
together like a real family.

Well, yeah, what the heck? Why not?

And I intend to pull my own weight, too.
No, don't worry about it. No, I insist.

In fact, I just put a fresh coat of wax
on the sofa.

Oh, and I cleaned your records.

You cleaned my 78th?

Great job.

Got rid of all those pesky grooves.

No, no, Mrs.

Janata.

It's just that Buddy likes to sing while
he's puttering around.

Yes, yes, I agree. There is such a thing
as too much of the Brady Bunch theme

song.

Having a few difficulties with Buddy, I
take it, sir?

Difficulties? Not at all, no. In the
last two days, he's done the cooking,

the cleaning, even the laundry.

You know, that might look nice with some
white go-go boots.

It's not just the laundry, or the hour
of gargling every night, or the fact

that he staples my sheets to the bed.

But you put all that stuff together, and
it drives me crazy.

Sir, when two people move in together,
there's always a period of adjustment.

I'm sure you'll get used to each other.

Harry, you forgot the squid sandwich I
packed for lunch.

Your sayings. Oh, excuse me. I have to
go have my stomach pumped.

Come on, Bull. Let's go with her. Oh,
no, thanks. I had mine pumped last week.

Right.

Buddy, we've got to talk. Harry,
speaking of pumps, I figured out what

was clogging the garbage disposal.

What was it? Your hat.

My Borsalino.

Oh, Buddy, this is the finest hat made
in the world.

That makes a darn good coffee filter,
too.

All right, I've got it.

Buddy, I am trying... to keep in mind
that you're a special and unique person,

which you are.

But there is only so much that I can
take before I'm going to end up in an

institution myself.

Sir. What?

They're waiting for you to start the
session.

Fine.

Buddy, we will talk later.

Sure. I'm ready any time after now.

You're in.

$50 fine.

Okay, Mac, what's the next thing?

We call them cases, sir.

Oh, I can't concentrate.

I shouldn't have yelled at Buddy like
that. The man's my father.

Oh, come on, sir. He'll be fine.

Call Wilson and Wilson, disturbing the
peace. Look, just keep your mind on this

last case and don't think about your
father. Dad, it's all my fault.

Impossible to live with. No, no, no.

I shouldn't have yelled at you. You're
my father.

You see?

Work is the best medicine.

I'll never yell at him again. I mean, he
helped bring me into the world.

If a man can't put up with a few of his
father's quirks, then what kind of a son

is he?

He ruined my hat.

Okay, maybe I overreacted. Hell, I can
buy new records. I can strip the wax off

my sofa.

So the people would like to know what
the hell you're talking about.

I'm talking about going home to my dad
and doing what any decent son should do.

I'm going to eat my squid and like it.

Case dismissed.

Buddy?

Okay.

I thought you said it was okay to use
your shower.

No, it is. I was just hoping you were a
goofy-looking guy in his 50s.

Sorry to disappoint you.

By the way, there is a note here for
you.

Dear son, I can see it's not going to
work with us living together.

So I'm moving out.

It's hard to say au revoir, so let's
just say au gratin.

Do? Sure.

Reading the fire safety guidelines.

Don't worry, I won't give away the
ending.

Come on, hustle it up, hustle it up.

Push those down a hall into my office.
Be careful with this second rack, that's

virgin wool.

So, Dan, what's going on? You moving
into a new apartment?

Well, I thought I was.

Just my luck, I get stuck with a guy who
doesn't know when to call it a life.

Breathing can be a hard habit to kick.

I quit once for a week, but I couldn't
have done it without gum.

Hey, pal.

Where do you want it?

Oh, follow me. I'll show you.

What do you do with all this cooking
oil?

I entertain a lot.

Sir, any luck finding Buddy?

No, and I've looked everywhere.

His favorite taxidermy shop, the
accordion museum.

Didn't you just love the Lawrence Welk
Pavilion?

Where could Buddy be? He's been gone for
24 hours.

Oh, don't worry, sir. We'll find him.

Sure, in a city like New York, what
could happen to him?

You know, this isn't really my fault.

I mean, maybe I was a little hard on
him, but you gotta admit, Buddy is

pretty eccentric.

is that you calling somebody else
eccentric is a bit like... Like Don King

saying you need a haircut.

And just what is it that I do that's so
strange?

Well, how about the time you drove three
hours to get a Bullwinkle Pez dispenser?

Well, and the way you keep that plastic
barf in the refrigerator?

Well, that's... And how about the way
you lip-sync Arthur Godfrey albums while

you clog dance on your roof?

Oh, no, that's me.

Got your stuff all moved, Mr. Fielding.
Want a sign here?

Yeah.

I trust nothing was... punctured.

No, your lady friends are fine.

We ran out of storage room, so we left
the big rack in the hallway.

What? You big head, you put my...

shining his shoes with your matador
pants.

It's gone, Mac.

Oh, gone.

Years of mail order catalogs.

Shopping under an assumed name.

But you know what?

I deserve it. I mean, look how low I
have stooped, rooting for a man to die

just so I can get a nicer apartment.

You know, Mac, sometimes I really hate
myself.

I know what you mean.

Yeah.

You hate yourself sometimes, too, huh?

No, but I can see how you could.

You're right. You're right. I'm dirt.

I'm scum. He's dead!

Come in.

Yeah, yeah, I understand. If you do see
him, give me a call, please. Thank you.

Buddy, buddy, buddy.

I know you're out there somewhere.

Boy, you're good, Harry.

Buddy!

Okay, now it's your turn to hide.

One, two...

say where you were going.

Well, I would have told you, but I
haven't found a place yet.

Well, then where have you been sleeping?

I haven't.

The most important part of sleep is the
rapid eye movements, and I get plenty of

those when I'm awake.

Glad you're here, so I can tell you how
sorry I feel about having yelled at you.

That? Oh, I wouldn't call that yelling.

You want to hear yelling, try changing
the channel in the day room.

leave because I yelled at you, then why
did you go?

Well, I realized that even though a
person loves somebody,

they still might find them impossible to
live with.

Buddy, you're not impossible to live
with.

I was talking about you.

I'm tough to live with?

Well, no offense, but you're a lot more
finicky than I expected.

Like how you always got to take your
shoes off before you get in the tub.

The way you compulsively hang the phone
up every time you're done with it.

Well, I guess you live by yourself long
enough, you develop a few

idiosyncrasies. Oh, I understand. Hey,
I'm no walk through the car wash myself.

Well, still, a son should show more
consideration to his father.

Well, technically, I'm your dad, but I
was never around to do all the

traditional father and son things with
you, like teach you how to ride a bike

and take you to ball games and make
airplanes out of lunch meat.

Yeah, I guess those Kodak memories are
gone forever.

Well, that's why I wanted to move in
with you, so we could spend some quality

time together.

And now that I've done that, I can move
on.

Now that you've done that, buddy, we
roomed together for 48 hours.

Well, to a mayfly, that's a lifetime.

By golly, you're right.

Besides, just because we're not living
together doesn't mean that we can't stay

in touch. Sure.

I've got a little place nearby you can
visit any time. The whole gang will be

around on Tuesdays for dodgeball.

Weekends are better for me. Sounds
great.

Buddy, are you sure you're going to get
by okay? I mean, you said you didn't

have a job.

I don't.

I got a tidy little pension from the
railroad.

I didn't know you worked for the
railroad.

Neither did I.

And as I understand it, for a while
there, I was Richard Nixon's cabana boy.

Christine, I just noticed something.

When did you start using a non-dairy
creamer?

Oh, this you noticed.

But I completely redo my hairstyle. I
changed my look entirely. Not one of you

says a word.

Well, it's not that we didn't notice.

It's just that we couldn't agree on what
to say.

You mean you discussed my hair as a
group?

Well, it was just an informal gathering.

They made me sergeant at arms.

Oh, come on, guys. Just tell me what you
honestly think.

We like it. It was a five to nothing
vote.

Oh, thank you. This is such a relief.

You didn't happen to discuss my nail
color, did you?

Three to one against with an abstention.

Hey, Dan.

Any word from the grim realtor?

The apartment is in the bag.

I'm meeting the building super up by the
shoeshine stand at midnight to get the

key. Once I sign that lease, I'm living
on Park Avenue till I croak.

Well, I don't want to give you heart
failure, but it's already ten after.

What? My watch says quarter on.

That'll teach you to buy a Rolex at a
convenience store.

Supposed to be the man to get an
apartment. Whoa, you sure picked the

right place.

All I had to do was wait for ten
minutes. Some guy came along and gave me

one.

344 Park Avenue.

What?

Drop by any time. Bring your dodgeball.

So how'd it go, Dan?

Fine.