All language subtitles for S06E12 - Clip Show 1

Sir, that thing started itching yet?

No. Good. Because when I had a cast on
my arm, it would itch and itch and drive

me crazy.

I had the same problem.

Felt like ants crawling up and down
until it got to the point I wanted to

gnaw my arm off at the shoulder.

Commence scratching.

Lucky you didn't break more than just
your wrist.

Well, you know, they should put up
warning signs when they wax the floors

out there. But fortunately, I'm young
and rugged.

Yeah, I hate to think what would have
happened had an elderly person come

flying around the corner like that on a
pogo stick.

I suppose you'll be filing a claim with
the city for this.

As a matter of fact, no, I won't. But
why is that any business of yours, Mr...

Clark Edwards, City Services.

Accounting division. That's right.

I've been sent to your court to
undertake a full and complete financial

audit. Uh-oh.

Something wrong?

There is always something wrong.

In fact, while reviewing your records
for the past few years, we've come up

with several discrepancies in your
1039Bs.

No!

Get the cyanide, Harry. He's got it.

I wouldn't be treating it so lightly if
I were you. There are serious

allegations of fraud involved here.

Come on, Mr. Edwards.

You're going to have to come up with
something better than a couple of

questionable bills to intimidate Harry
T. Stone.

Gentlemen?

That ought to do it.

Mr. Edwards, you more than anyone should
understand that it's very expensive to

run a municipal court in Manhattan. We
are aware of that, but for some reason

it's proven considerably more expensive
to run your particular court, Judge

Stone. Well, Harry, you ought to really
do something about that.

Nice meeting you, Mr. Edwards.

I'm afraid I have a number of questions
concerning all of you, so please sit

down, Mr., uh... Ha!

Calhoun! Snuff it here, Calhoun!

Oh, just sit down, Dan.

Oh, Mr.

Fielding. Yes, please sit down.
Especially you.

Why, especially me? I've never had a
bogus expense in my life.

$5.75 for rubber surgical gloves? There
was a good court-related reason for

that.

Harry.

Something about a hurricane?

Yes, yes, of course.

Hurricane Mel hit New York. Right,
right. And that Lamaze class was

mistakenly brought in on charges.

The excitement must have been too much
because suddenly all the mothers went

into labor.

I'm sorry.

Try pulling a cabbage patch doll through
your nostril and see what kind of sound

you make.

That's it. Just let it all out.

If you don't like it, you can leave.

I told you before, I don't need it.

Oh, fine. I'll tell you what. I'll go
get you a mirror and some salad tongs,

and you can do this yourself.

I think it's coming.

Instruction. Thank you.

Tommy, get me some surgical gloves. From
where?

My briefcase. Top pocket.

Great. Now I can deduct them.

You make a habit of carrying rubber
gloves in your briefcase?

No. He usually carries them in his
wallet.

I think you're a deeply disturbed man.

Thank you.

Oh, come on, Edwards. You're not going
to waste our time with penny-ante little

items like that.

Oh, we can get bigger if you like. Much
bigger. Say, uh, $17,538 in

termite damage.

Art, Art, Art, dear, dear Art, please
don't think I'm trying to pry, but what

the hell are you doing?

I've got a work order here to fumigate
the entire building.

We got a problem with termites.

How big a problem?

I'll, uh... I'll have to get back to
you, Mac.

Now, see?

You can hardly blame that one on us now,
can you?

I'm sure I'll find a way.

Coffee?

Oh, and that would be from the coffee
maker you requisitioned on, uh, 7 July

1986. Just one month after we purchased
you a new one.

Oh, as luck would have it, there is a
simple explanation for that one.

Oh, yeah.

That all started when those two sisters
were fighting over who got to keep their

dead father.

Your Honor, my father's dying words
were, no matter what, don't make me go

with Arlene.

Lying. Lying. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dying words? Is Dad dead?

There's a kipper on a cracker.

I'm sorry to say.

Well, just the way you were talking
about him, I kind of got the impression

that he was, you know, here.

He is, Your Honor.

This is Mr.

Huebner.

Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.

Well, until I can make a determination
about permanent custody, we'll just

consider old Herb here a ward of the
court, which is adjourned.

Your Honor, the Huebner sisters are
waiting to see you.

Herb's kids? What do they want?

Apparently they settled their
differences and had some sort of

reconciliation.

So what about the ashes?

They said whatever you decide to do with
them is fine with both of them.

Oh, well, okay.

But I haven't really made a decision
as...

Hey, this thing's empty.

Oh, Peggy, I'm sorry, Ronto. I had to
use that herb tea to test the coffee

maker.

This wasn't herb tea.

This was herb.

Mm-hmm.

Drank a dead man.

In other words, I know that one's a
little unusual, but I'm sure the rest of

these are ordinary run-of-the-mill
items.

$422 for the care and feeding of
international beauty contestants?

That's pretty self-explanatory. What
else you got?

Well, I could tell when they came in
that they weren't carrying any money.

You know, sometimes this is a great job.

Yes. Your Honor. Let me guess. This guy
was caught peeping into their dressing

room. He's the victim, Your Honor. The
ladies are the defendants.

You mean to tell me these sweet,
innocent-looking young women? Beat the

snot out of this man.

Your Honor.

Clients were lured to New York under the
guise of a legitimate beauty contest.

However, it turned out that Mr.
Harathier did not have the prize money

he claimed to have. The girls found out
during the competition and they

responded.

Your Honor, according to witnesses, Miss
Congeniality led the attack with a kick

to the groin.

I mean the bickering,

not the sweetness.

Hello.

I like your dress.

My name's Bull.

Bull, you know, like the animal.

Bull, like this.

to buy food for those bathing beauties.
Sure, how are they getting along?

Well, as far as I can tell, on looks
alone.

I just hope they know that at 30, the
party's over.

Very well, I suppose one might make a
case for that one. One might make a case

for all of them, and I'm not going to
stick around here anymore, Mr. Edwards.

And do you know why?

because there is not a single receipt in
that box that does not relate to the

routine operation of a court of law.

$1,500 for an exploding broom closet?

Shatter up, Dan.

It so happens that was a direct result
of an assignment given to me by District

Attorney Daniels. An assignment, I might
add, he personally chose me for because

of his deep respect for my work.

This is the most menial degrading task I
could find.

My niece is visiting from Indiana, and I
want you to show her around tonight.

Uh, sir, normally I'd be enchanted, but
I... Oh, too bad, Dan. Looks like you

get to play tour guide.

Yeah, to the little girl who lived in
the shoe.

Say hello to my niece, Kitty.

What's the matter, Dan?

Kitty got your tongue?

If anything should happen between you
and I, your Uncle Vincent's going to

find out that I'm going to lose
something that's very important to me.

Your job?

If I'm lucky.

Now, why don't you just sit down and
watch the big trials, okay?

I'd rather sit on your lap and suck out
your fillings.

Mr. Prosecutor. Yes, sir. Just a moment.

Just discussing dental hygiene.

And nothing will change my mind. Not
even these pictures I took in the photo

booth in the lobby.

Oh, my God.

How did you get the stool that high?

And? No, no, I can't. I'll die.

I understand you need some time to think
it over.

Think about shot number three.

Want to join us for a sarsaparilla?

No can do, sir. I'm still checking for
that water leak. I just fired off the

generator. I'm putting 680 pounds of
compressed air into all the fire hoses.

Got a cigarette?

so I blew my pants off. So sue me.

Oh, I could do more than that, Mr.
Fielding.

I could bring you up on fraud charges.

In fact, that goes for all of you. You
could lose your jobs, your professional

standing, and spend the next ten years
of your lives in prison.

I get the top bunk.

You know, with all that goes on around
here, I'm surprised that someone hasn't

been killed.

I was.

I know I'll probably regret asking this,
but could you please elaborate on that?

Well, you see, it was a dark and stormy
night.

Art, what do you mean Bull was hit by
lightning? I mean Bull, lightning, fried

ballots.

Where is he now, Art? He's in your
office with the doc.

Mind if I smoke?

Doctor, is he all right?

That depends.

What did he look like before?

Just like that.

Well, then he's fine.

Spooky, but fine.

Fine? Art said his heart stopped
beating.

Yes, for a few minutes he was clinically
deceased.

But I'm feeling much better now.

Really, you look dead on your feet.

Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the
walking dead, who can we laugh?

It's a miracle he wasn't even hurt.

With the voltage he absorbed, it must
have been like French kissing a life

jacket.

No, that feels different.

But, Mr. Shannon.

I have you down for two destroyed
uniforms. How do you explain that?

Oh, that one's easy.

I sat on a bomb.

I see.

Now, it appears that Mr. Shannon isn't
the only one who had problems keeping

their uniform intact.

Was he?

Spalett Russell.

I think you should know, Clark, my hobby
is shoving things.

What are you talking about, Mr. Edwards?

I'm referring to her uniform being torn
apart by a Mrs.

Kwan Lee Duck Robinson.

That's my wife.

Oh?

Well, you see, the whole thing started
when Harry was swearing in a bunch of

new citizens.

Then at this time, I'm going to ask each
of you to raise your right hand and

repeat after me.

worry about me. It's just a momentary
twinge. Are you sure?

Yes, sir, I'm sure.

Okay, then let's take another shot at
it. Raise your hands and repeat.

I hereby declare an oath.

I hereby declare an oath.

Oh!

Oh!

Now cut that out.

If you're in pain... That wasn't me that
time, sir.

Well, then who was it?

It was me.

Who are me?

What is it?

a contraction.

Are you sure it's a contraction?

Yes, I had one before.

How long before?

A couple minutes ago.

Oh, my God, they're two minutes apart.

What's going on?

Ah,

the love theme from The Exorcist.

Oh, what's the matter, honey? Is it
starting to hurt again?

Well, here, just hold on to me.

Thank you for leaving the skin.

In about two minutes, I'm going to be
completely naked.

All right, then. The reasons I have for
the destruction of the three uniforms

are sat on a bomb, hit by lightning, and
ripped to shreds by a small Asian woman.

Sounds right to me.

All right, getting back to the subject
of clothing, I have one here, Judge

Stone, for a replacement robe.

Actually, sir, maybe he's talking about
the time your old girlfriend came to

visit you and she threw all your clothes
out the window.

Thank you so much for refreshing my
memory.

Take me, Harry.

Right here.

Whoa, I'm not sure this is right. This
is a judge's chamber, you know. I mean,

technically it belongs to the people.
It's just entrusted to me.

You've got 20 minutes, Harry. Right.

They've all wondered.

Now you know.

I want you, Harry.

I want you.

Now.

As luck would have it, I'm free.

Don't go nowhere.

Tell me, when will you be mine?

Cuando, cuando, cuando.

Okay.

I want to do something crazy here. You
want to be crazy. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Let's be crazy.

That isn't exactly what I had in mind.

I bet you wanted to be crazy.

Well, yeah, but there are other things
to consider.

Like what?

Like that.

Who the hell could that be at this hour?
I don't know. I just hope it isn't my

husband. Me too.

Your husband?

use your desk for a few minutes.

Me tossing. You lucky.

Somebody's coming in.

Get under the desk.

Oh, Danny, our clone.

That's for all the needy children,
sister. I'll get a receipt later.

a picture.

I know how it sounds, Mr. Edwards, but
these things just aren't our fault.

Oh, so you would have the city believe
that you were some kind of magnet for

these bizarre occurrences.

Hey, I don't know how to explain it.
It's just that weird things keep

happening here. It's true. Ask anybody.

All right, freeze.

Well, are you going to ask him or not?