All language subtitles for S06E04 - Harry and the Tramp

Oh, what's the matter, Skippy? Your
Play-Doh all dry up again?

No, I just smashed a spider with Roz's
favorite coffee mug.

You know, the one she claims Mike Tyson
once bit into.

And you broke it.

Yes!

Oh, come on, Bull.

I'm sure if you tell Roz exactly what
happened, she'll be very understanding.

Left behind a butthead who stole my
coffee mug.

I'm going to yank his shorts through his
nose.

Would that hurt?

Oh, yeah.

We'll try to fix this later.

Okie doke, jet setters. I got that limo
rented for tomorrow night. So how many

of you are coming with me, huh?

To what, sir?

To what, sir? The awards banquet.

Don't you remember? I'm getting that
humanitarian award from the Society of

the Goodfellows.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, how many takers?

Oh, boy, would I love to ghost her, but
I've made a prior commitment with a

young lady that I'm honor-bound to keep.

Must mean she wanted the money up front.

I'd really like to ghost her, but my
women-in-law group meets tomorrow night.

Oh, yeah, and what's the topic this
month? Lip gloss and litigation?

Well, isn't anybody coming with me?

Well, sir, you have to admit you did
tell us this dinner was no big deal.

Well, of course I said that. I was being
modest.

A humanitarian doesn't brag.

He just assumes that his friends would
want to join him.

Well, you're not going to be completely
alone in taking a date, right?

Not that there's any shame in going
solo. Oh, no.

Anybody can pull it off.

You can, sir.

Hey, I could get a date if I wanted one.
There are any number of women that I

could call, so don't you lose any sleep
over this guy.

Hey,

Shirley, you got Jazz World there?

There you go.

Last copy. Thanks.

By the way, Shirley, would you like to
go with me to a banquet tomorrow night?

Can't. I'm getting married tomorrow.

What time?

It should pretty much cut into my whole
day.

Right.

Excuse me, do you carry Jazz World?

Sorry, I got the last copy.

But there's no reason we couldn't share.

Oh, how thank you. I'll find another
newsstand. No, no, here, you take this

one and then you can get it back to me
later.

How will I find you? Gosh, good
question. What do you say over dinner

tomorrow night?

Are you asking me out?

By golly, I did, didn't I?

You think that's weird?

Oh, no, not coming from a man with a cow
on his tie.

Surely he can vouch for me.

Real nice guy.

He always carries a comb.

See? What do you say?

Listen, I don't think so. Okay, okay.
Tell you what. How about if I prove that

I'm an up-and-up kind of guy and my
intentions are totally honorable?

Will you go out with me then?

Sure. Great, great. I've got to give an
important message to someone. Hold on.

It's true, Diane. I am a judge. Yeah,
right. You're a judge. No, I am. Really.

Here, watch this.

Paul. Yes, sir.

Who am I?

You're Superman.

I mean, in real life.

Oh, Clark Kent.

Uh, sir, could I get you to sign these
warrants? Oh, these legal documents?

Sure, Matt. Be my pleasure.

Judge. Harry Stone.

There you go.

Don't steal that pen.

Right.

Well, I'll be darned. You really are a
judge.

That's me. So will you go with me to the
banquet? Wait, before you answer, let me

show you what is sure for you.

If only you will say the magic word,
yes.

You get to wear this.

A Big Mac?

It's a corsage. I picked it out myself.

Oh, it's beautiful.

You don't have to wear it if you don't
want to. Oh, no, I want to.

No one ever gave me a corsage before.

Pretty girl like you never got one? Not
even for your prom?

No one asked me.

I was a late bloomer.

Well, may I say you have sprouted very
nicely.

Thank you.

I hate to bring you down to earth, but I
go with that.

Harry, I would love to go to the banquet
with you. Eureka!

I just have one question. What's that?

Why do you have a corsage in your
office?

Well, you know, Diane, I'm the kind of
guy that believes in fate.

Kismet, call it what you will.

Somehow I just knew that tonight I was
going to meet a woman just like you.

That, and it came free with a tuxedo
rental. Yes.

Congratulate you. Finding a date on such
short notice? Yeah, and she's cute,

isn't she?

Well, if that's a priority for you.

I don't know if it was the tilt of my
hat or the glint in my eye or just my

crazy cock-eyed smile.

You had to beg, huh?

Not much.

Uh, Matt?

Yeah? You remember that really powerful
glue you gave me to fix Roz's mug?

Not to get any on your hands, that's
tough to hold a battleship together.

Oh, my dear Lord.

What's up with you?

When I finished gluing Roz's mug, I
decided to sit down and watch it dry.

What? You had glue drying? You didn't
call the rest of us?

Bull, what's the matter? You have
another one of your Eskimo pie

migraines?

No, sir. I glued my fingers to my head.

That was going to be my second guess.

First case, sir.

A little disturbance by some actors at
the Riverside Theater.

Some stud you are. It took longer to
smoke the cigarette afterward.

Like you're so perfect, at least I don't
have to putty over stretch marks.

I bet this is not that cast from
Carousel, is it?

No, sir, these people were arrested at
the presentation of the Adult Film

Awards. Adult Film Awards?

Yeah, you know, the coveted, uh, money.

Just a minute, just a minute. Uh, excuse
me, ma'am.

You're not part of this merry band of
flesh peddlers, are you? Oh, I most

certainly am.

Uh, sir, this is Miss Kitten Latouche.

recipient of the Lifetime Achievement
Award.

You still got the apples. No point in
closing the stand.

Eh, Judge?

Your Honor, Miss Ginger Lee here with a
sore loser in the category Best

Performance by an Actress in a
Non-Speaking Role.

As they took a peek, she began hurling
videotapes at the winning actress of

Miss Amber Waves.

And I would have beamed her, too, if
quick draw here hadn't gotten in the

way.

Look, if you weren't bigger than me, I'd
come over.

Hey, hey, hey. If I were you, I would
settle down, Mr., uh... Biff Buff.

Biff Buff?

Um, here are the tapes that were thrown,
sir.

A sort of amber waves retrospective.

Thigh anxiety.

It's got a plot.

Wet side story.

Terrible choreography.

The empire gets lucky.

One of the year's ten best.

Thank you, Rex Rude.

Getting back to this pesky little
assault thing, how do you plead, Miss

Lee?

Guilty. But with an explanation.

Which is?

Every performance by that Amber Wave
chick is technically enhanced.

Technically enhanced?

I knew there was special effects.

What was it?

Claymation?

Your Honor, what my client is trying to
say is that another actress provided the

sound of...

When the actors actually, you know, do
the thing.

The thing?

Do you know?

The dirty deed?

Would you like a moment to change your
dress shield?

Ask me, Judge. That Amber babe's the one
who ought to be on trial here. She stole

my award.

Well, I'm afraid that's not really for
this court to decide.

Well, why not?

All you gotta do is ask her. She's got
her rear end parked right over there.

Hi, Harry.

Diane?

My, my.

Guess who's coming to dinner?

I need a date. The one girl I pick turns
out to be a porno star.

I don't know.

But I would say you're incredibly lucky.

You. You of all people. You should have
recognized her.

Sorry, Harry.

The clothes threw me.

You know, she's actually very good in
this. She plays a gym teacher.

That's the girl I was going to take to
the banquet.

If the judicial review board got a hold
of this, they would throw me off the

bench. Don't worry, sir. You'll find a
way out of this.

Oh, my God.

Whatever happened to earning a boy's
respect?

I respect her.

Sir, do you think I could go home and
try soaking my head in lacquer thinner?

Isn't that a little dangerous?

Nah.

I use it once a week just to knock down
the shine.

Oh, and I told that lady you wanted to
see her.

Oh, thank you, Bull. Yeah, yeah. Show
her in.

What are you going to say to her?

I don't know.

Oh, hey, no pressure.

There's plenty of jobs for judges.

Somebody has to work the cattle shows.

I'll think of something.

Hello?

Time's up.

Dan, I need some time alone.

Uh, yeah, I was just thinking the same
thing.

Come on in, Diane.

So, uh, you're, you're, uh, you're in
the cinema.

I thought maybe you knew.

No, no, no. No, I didn't knew.

Does it matter?

Matter.

Well,

actually, I'm not in the business
anymore. I gave it up.

Oh, you did?

When? Two weeks ago.

Great.

Must be like a distant memory to you
now.

Well, I've been taking some classes at
City College in advertising and... Oh, I

don't know. Maybe I'm just wasting my
time.

No, I think you'd be very good at that.

You do? Well, sure. You're attractive.
You're bright.

You obviously work well with other
people.

Diane, how about... You know, my biggest
fear has always been that I would never

be able to live down this image.

And I think it is so great that you are
able to see through that.

You know, Diane, I've been thinking, and
I don't think this banquet will be very

much fun for you at all. It's a real
dull bunch of guys.

The highlight for me is checking the
hairlines for glue marks.

Maybe dull for you. You probably do this
kind of thing all the time, but I've

never been to anything like this.

Oh, look at the time. I've got to run. I
need new earrings, and I'm getting my

shoes dyed. Oh, Diane.

Listen, I've got a lot to do, so I'll
just meet you there, okay?

No, no, I mean,

yeah, but... See you later.

Not tonight, honey.

I feel so conspicuous, sir.

I'm the only one without a tuxedo.

I wouldn't worry about it, Bull.

I don't think anyone's going to notice.

Oh, there you are, sir.

Miss Sullivan, I thought that your law
group met tonight.

Yeah, it was, but I began to feel kind
of guilty sitting there knowing you were

here alone.

Oh, sir, do you think I could have
another cracker?

Yeah, yeah.

So, how did Diane take it when you told
her the date was off?

Maybe a round one this time.

Well, how'd you take it, sir? Well...
No, the one with the red thing on it.

Sir? Kind of smush it down so it doesn't
fall off.

You didn't tell her.

No!

You blitzed my reds.

I can't believe you.

Cracked my snack.

Put a dento in my pimento.

That's enough.

I can't believe you wimped out.

Hey, I tried to reach her all day, but
she wasn't in.

Well, you can kiss your bench goodbye.

Let's not panic, huh? I mean, she's
late. Maybe she changed her mind and

decided not to come at all.

Hello, Harry.

Scratch that.

I'm sorry I'm a little late. I had a
problem with my dress.

Keeping it on?

Excuse me?

No, no, excuse us, please.

Harry, you can't be alone with her. Hey,
we're overreacting, right? I mean, who's

going to recognize her dressed like
that?

Would you autograph my hand, Miss Wade?

Okay, I'll talk with... Harry, you
didn't tell me that you were the guest

of honor.

Are you nervous?

Oh, no. No, my bow tie is always this
wet.

Excuse me.

Could everyone please take your seat so
we can get started? Thank you.

Shall we sit down?

No, no, Diane. Let's check out the nifty
painting behind the palm tree.

Harry, he might miss something.

Diane, you've got to talk.

Now?

Have you ever heard of a judicial review
board?

No. They exercise great power over men
in my position.

So? So I could lose my job if I even
gave the impression that I was doing

something improper.

Like? Like dating a porno star?

Good example.

Sir, they're going to introduce you any
second. I know, I know. I'm dry. I need

water. Oh.

Cocktail weenie.

Would you all just leave me alone?

Well, I guess that includes me, too.

I'm afraid it has to.

Fine. No, Diane, you've got to
understand. My entire career is at stake

here. Look, if you don't want me to be
here, okay.

But why didn't you tell me yesterday?
Why did you have to wait to get me down

here to humiliate me?

No, that isn't what I meant. Come on,
believe me. Why?

Just because they buy your good guy act
doesn't mean that I have to.

Diane! And now it's time to introduce
the man we've come here to honor

tonight. I give you our man of the
month, the Honorable Justice Harold T.

Stone!

Thank you, you all.

Ladies and gentlemen, first of all, let
me tell you how much this award means

to me.

There is no greater compliment than to
be judged a man of humanity.

Someone... Someone who senses the needs
of others.

and treat their concerns as if they were
his own.

And because this award means so very
much to me,

I'm sorry, I can't accept it.

What?

He said he can't accept it.

Sometimes, those of us on the bench, we
get so concerned with

trying to be what we think a judge
should be that we forget to do what a

judge should do, which is to put himself
in the shoes of everyone

that comes before him.

I want to tell you a story about a young
lady who came with me here tonight.

Oh, here it is.

Justice Harold T. Stone turned down the
Society of Goodfellas Man of the Month

Award, citing his own inadequacies and
insensitivity as reasons.

Boy, that's a keeper for the old
scrapbook, huh?

After the judge's highly personal
account, one observer noted there was

not a dry eye in the house.

I blame that on the cheap cigars.

Hi, Harry. Hi, Harry.

Christine told us what you did.

I'm real proud of you.

Thank you, Ron.

Sir, may I say that I, too, was moved by
the selfless nobility of your actions.

You are, as always, inspiration to us
all.

Do you really mean that, Dan?

Most of it, yes, sir.

What does that smell?

Well, it's probably a combination of
roses and veal.

Do you know how many busboy trays I had
to go through to find this thing?

Hi, Diane.

Hi, Harry.

Uh, Guy?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

We were just on our way to the cafeteria
watching him scrape the flypaper.

Diane. No, me first.

I feel really terrible about what
happened.

Me too.

It took a lot of guts to stand up for me
the way you did last night.

Thanks.

It wasn't guts. It was fear.

Fear that I had forgotten what I was
supposed to be doing around here.

Still, I could have been a little bit
more understanding about the spot you

were in.

I'm sorry. Well, I'm just as sorry, if
not sorrier. No, I'm sorrier than you

are. I guess we're a couple of sorry
individuals.

That's a very sorry corsage.

They say we chuck this.

Don't you dare.

You know what they always say.

You never forget your first one.

What the... Ross, what the hell was
that?

Oh, Bull just confessed that he was the
one who broke my mug.

But he fixed it.

So, I fixed him.

Bull, your fingers aren't stuck anymore.

Yeah. Ross pulled and pulled until they
came free.

That's great.

We'll start in about ten minutes, okay?

Okie dokie.