All language subtitles for S05E18 - Russkie Business

Is that thing taken?

Oh, you can have mine, Rod.

I think I just figured out what the
surprise is in the chef's surprise.

I know what he means. This thing tastes
like nuclear waste.

Ah, you had the patty meltdown.

It was me, Judge.

I did it. I confess.

I'm a mad dog criminal, and I deserve to
be punished.

Hello, everyone. It's a pleasure to see
you again.

Yakov, what's going on?

I'm a stinking crook, and I don't care
who knows.

What is this about, Yakov?

I broke the law. See?

Do not remove under penalty of law.

Torrent from every mattress and every
pillow in my apartment.

Throw the book at me.

Yakov, it's only illegal for the
manufacturers to remove these. It's okay

for you to do it. Why are you giving me
red tape?

What is a person supposed to do to get
some justice around here?

Well, you might start by explaining why
you're acting like such a... Yak-ass?

Come on, Dillinger, tell me all about
it.

Harry, I must be deported back to Soviet
Union immediately.

What'd you do, leave the water running?

Harry, it's a serious matter. My mother
is very, very ill.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry to hear that, Yakov,
but you're going about this the wrong

way. What you gotta do is get yourself a
visa.

I got one.

MasterCard 2.

Now, Yakov, you gotta get permission
from the Soviet government to visit the

country. I'd go to the Soviet consulate
and tell them your story. I bet they

could rush the process right through.

Thanks, Harry.

Don't mention it.

It's a small price to pay to keep New
York City safe from Yak the Ripper.

Hi, Mary.

Bull, we're going to start in about two
minutes. Right.

Just a quick shine, please.

I'm running a little late.

Excuse me, sir, but I need you to scrawl
your autograph on these.

You got it.

Sir, you're left-handed.

Oh, my God, you're right!

Mac, when did this happen?

I don't know, sir. These things can
strike without warning.

Come on. Sometimes you don't notice
these things about people, even if

you've been around them a long time.

Yeah, you know, you're right. I mean, it
was months before I noticed that little

dent thing under your right eyebrow.

What little dent thing is that, sir?

Oh, you know, it looks like a
teeny-weeny little notch.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you haven't
noticed it.

No.

Where did you say it was?

Max, you know what I'm talking about,
don't you? Oh, sure, sure. I noticed it

right away, but I didn't think it was
any of my business.

But since we're talking, what the heck
is that thing?

Tell me the truth.

Is there a little tiny mark there?

Thanks.

I wasn't sure.

Leon McDuff. Yes, sir.

Uh-oh, look like we got some repeat
business.

People versus Corey Linko.

Yakov, what did you do?

I did what you say, Judge Harry. I went
to Soviet Council, and I say I need visa

badly, and why?

But she say, no way.

And you are?

I am Marina Oblaskova.

Marina, that's an interesting name.

Yes, sir. I believe it's Russian for
leatherneck.

Just the facts, Dan.

Well, the Cossack prom queen here is a
clerk in the visa section.

And when she rejected the defendant's
application, he began throwing papers

around the room, overturning filing
cabinets.

Defense.

Oh, I'm sure you're well aware of the
defendant's state of mind and the

reasons for it, Your Honor.

Miss Sullivan, this is very
disconcerting.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I wouldn't want to
repulse anyone with my disfigurement.

Next time I will amass.

Miss Sullivan. Oh, excuse me, sir, but I
just got word that a big shot from the

Soviet consulate is on the way down
here.

Apparently, this lady doesn't have the
authority to file a formal complaint.

but I'm not going to tell her that.

Okay, then the case is held over.

Yakov, join me in my office, and maybe
you can explain what the hell thinky you

thought you were doing.

Recess. Great.

That'll give me just enough time to get
my face sandblasted.

It's not easy being in my shoes.

Yeah, those puppies are steel-belted,
aren't they?

You see, it's my job to be hard.

But it's my nature to be soft.

Let's not ruin what we have together by
talking.

I only say that if your friend asks me
nice.

Or if person does me little favor.

Or something.

What are you getting at?

Let me just say that I have the power to
flip the visa through but in order for

me to do that Someone has to do
something nice for me

You scratch my back, I shave yours.

Damn it, Yakov, you don't just go
leaping wildly into things like this.

You gotta go through the proper
channels.

But here in Russia, proper channels
don't work.

Do you know what we have to go through
just to get toilet paper?

Yakov, why do you think Pravda sells so
well?

it might hear you.

Daniel, my booblichka.

Yoo-hoo.

Dan, what is going on?

Don't you get it?

She wants me.

Oh, you don't mean... She's hot to
trotsky.

You know what she said?

She said if I would do the mattress
dance with her...

He would get his visa.

Mr. Fielding, you would do this for me?

I would sooner do it with you.

Well, if you think it will help. No.

Sir, there's a Comrade Federova here to
see you. Fine, Bull. Send the Comrade

in. Okay.

I need now is some crusty old commie
lecturing me on the evils of imperialist

aggression. Well, if I were you, Harry,
I'd be on the attack right from the get

-go. You know, you're right.

Yakov deserves humane treatment, and by
golly, he's gonna get it. And if I have

to kick a little Soviet butt around the
Eastern Bloc, then so be it.

Comrade Fedorova.

You are Judge Stone?

Bite your tongue, woman.

Better yet, why don't you let me do it
for you?

Dan, get out of here.

Right, great idea, Harry. You lather her
up, I'll come and finish her off.

Yakov?

Banishing myself.

Well, I must say, you're a bit of a
surprise.

You were expecting a big Russian bear,
perhaps?

No, we already met her.

You're not exactly what I expected
either, Judge Stone.

Please, I'm Harry.

And unlike a lot of Russian women, I
imagine you're not.

Can I offer you anything? A little red
wine, perhaps?

No, thank you. But that is very amusing.

Red wine.

You like it?

I got a million of them.

Most unusual.

An attractive man with a sense of humor.

Let's see. We got some 12-year-old
Kool-Aid or...

You find me attractive?

Perhaps I should not say so, but from
the moment I walked in, I felt a

connection with you.

You know, that's funny. I felt
something, too. I just...

I assumed I was having a stroke.

I love your strokes.

Mac, hold my calls.

And your eyes.

Forever.

So, uh, about Mr. Korolenko.

Who?

Oh, Yakov. Yeah, we ought to talk about
that.

Okay.

Well, now, I know Yakov went overboard,
but I got to wonder, and this is not

intended as a criticism, why you folks
didn't just give him a visa in the first

place? Because he defected from the
Soviet Union. The government considers

him no longer a person who is... What is
the word?

Desirable?

Desirable.

A very good word.

I'm going to ask you a question, and I
want a straight answer.

What is that fantastic perfume you're
wearing?

It is called Bolshevik Uprising.

It's supposed to bring the powerful to
their knees.

In my heart, I'm on the floor.

This is a start.

About Mr.

Korolenko.

Right, right. How are we going to get
the guy a visa?

He cannot have one.

Ever.

I cannot ignore the law and let a
possible subversive back into my

country. Oh, come on. We both know he's
not a subversive. He's just some poor

schlep who wants to go home and visit
his mom.

What is the meaning of schlep?

Well, let's see.

You remember Jimmy Carter?

Harry, I cannot pick and choose the law
any more than you can.

So you're saying that you have to
enforce a law that you don't agree with?

Why would I not agree with it? All my
life, the Soviet system has supported

me. Now it is my honor to support it.
But how can you support a system that is

not responsible to the needs of its
people?

Oh, and your system is?

Well, you bet. Most of the time it is. I
mean, it's a hell of a lot better

than...

Ludmilla, let's just say that this is
one point on which we do not agree.

Fair enough.

Two people cannot always expect to see
eye to eye.

Right.

How about dinner tonight?

I'd love to.

I promise I won't even mention
Afghanistan.

Nor I, the CIA-backed stooges in Central
America.

Berlin Wall.

Star Wars.

You know, you stole that gold medal in
basketball in 72.

Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Believe me, everything's going to be
okay.

I'm just worried about my mom.

I went through the same agony when my
mom came down with Dutch elm disease in

her wooden leg.

But she's okay now?

Oh, yeah, mom's fine.

And with what was left of the leg, we
taught our Doug Lucky to fetch.

Have you seen Daniel?

Fielding? No.

You might try the law library. He likes
to thumb through the pornography cases

on his brakes.

So, the iron is hot.

Yakov, give me a visa application.

What for?

I've got a crazy idea that just might
work.

Which would be a first.

That was close.

Accessories make the outfit.

Ross, let me use your pen.

I'm going to get some coffee. Anybody
want some? No, thanks, Ross.

I just have time to spackle up this
crater in my head before court.

I don't know why you're letting an
offhand remark bother you so much. In

the first place, it doesn't even show.
And even if it did, you should be glad

to have a few flaws.

Oh, yeah, right.

Think about it. It's those little scars
and creases and imperfections that make

us different, distinctive, unique.

Okay, following the San Andreas Falls.

I need to talk to Harry. I'm sorry,
Yakov, but the judge is still sweet

-talking Miss Fedorova. Hey, hey, well,
at least our cops don't kidnap our

citizens from their homes in the dead of
night!

Yeah, he's a smoothie.

That is a lie created by your capitalist
propaganda machine!

Good Lord, they've been at that for over
an hour.

Maybe this means Harry's wearing her
down.

Or knocking her down.

Oh, no.

So this is glass-nosed.

Well, hi, guys.

I hope we're not interrupting anything
important, sir.

Uh, no, we were just discussing
collectivism versus the free enterprise

system. Of course you were. Oh, yeah.
Well, you've obviously found some mutual

agreement.

The result of ticklish negotiations, no
doubt.

Judge, I'm overwhelmed that you would do
such a thing for me.

Well, yes, Yakov, I would, but I didn't.
Oh, having a little problem with your

powers of persuasion, sir?

sorry, but Lyudmila has decided that she
cannot in good conscience bend the rules

for you.

Does this mean my visa is still denied?

Believe me, I did my best.

I can vouch for that.

But it would just be till I help my
mother to get well again, and then I

come right out of the Soviet Union, I
promise.

Mr. Korolenko, as much as I sympathize
with your personal plight, I'm compelled

to uphold the law. A law which is
applied equally?

And without exception.

I cannot help you.

Oh, yes, you can.

Dimitri? Comrade Fedorova?

The matter of Mr.

Korolenko has been taken under
advisement, and the response has been...

rephrased.

I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Be careful. He means that.

Dimitri Gemenko, Soviet information
officer.

Harry T. Stone, municipal court judge.

And commie kisser.

Dimitri, what do you mean we have
rephrased our position concerning Yakov?

We have other priorities now that word
of this incident has gotten out.

But I have already taken care of it
according to procedure.

Ludmila, we have to go with the flow,
huh?

I have just received a phone call from
the top man himself.

You don't mean... Ted Koppel.

We do not wish for the Tcharpushka to
hit the fan.

We are officially dropping all charges
against the unfortunate Mr.

Korolenko. And we are tickled pinko.

To grant him a visa to visit his sick
mother.

Dimitri, you don't care about this man
or his mother. You are sacrificing an

important principle for cheap, dodry
publicity.

What's your point?

Svinja.

Hey, Lou!

Some of our people still do not grasp
the importance of presenting a positive

image to the world.

Well, you've sure done well with Mr.
Gorbachev.

You know, at first I advised him to get
rid of the birthmark.

Some people aren't comfortable looking
at that sort of thing.

But you know how that is.

Ludmilla?

Leave me alone, Harry.

Can't you tell I'm upset?

Well, you know what Groucho said.

That's no reason to go off in a huff.

Or a minute and a huff.

Groucho? Yeah, you know, the famous Marx
Brothers.

Groucho, Harpo, Carl.

Carl was the one with the funny hat?

Yes? That's him.

Hey.

If it is any consolation at all, I do
know exactly how you feel.

Oh, admit it. You are glad of this
happening.

Well, for Yakov's sake, sure I am. But I
also know what it's like when you do

your job conscientiously and then have
the pins knocked out from under you by

some bozo up the line.

This happens in America, too?

Small world, huh?

You're all right, Harrington.

For a lackey of the imperialist running
dogs.

Well, for a commie aggressor bent on
world domination, you sure can kiss.

I love my country.

And I love mine.

So what happens if we keep seeing each
other and fall hopelessly in love?

Well, then I guess we shack up in some
third world love nest.

Try to politically influence each
other's socks off.

You've got a deal, Yankee.

Sir, good news!

It better be.

I got Yakov's application for a visa
approved.

Well, that's great, Bo, but we already
took care of that.

You're kidding.

You mean I did it all for nothing?

You did what?

so.

Tell me, what can it be?

You have the power to hypnotize me.

Uh, sir?

Oh, sir.

Uh, Yakov just called from the airport.

He sure didn't waste any time. Thank
you, Mac.

There's room for you at this table,
Christine.

Ah, no, no. Thank you, Ron. I wouldn't
want to spoil anyone's appetite with my

grotesque disfigurement.

Miss Sullivan, would you please get over
yourself? It was just an observation,

and it was certainly not intended to
insult you.

Please, sir, don't apologize. I'm well
aware of my imperfections.

Christine, a gentleman wanted me to hand
you this.

I hope you won't think me out of line
for saying so, but I am...

Struck by your arresting beauty, and I'd
be willing to wager a dinner at the

restaurant of your choice that you're as
attractive on the inside as you are to

look at. All right, which one of you
guys wrote this thing?

If it in any way arouses you, I did.

I know you wrote this to make me feel
better, but frankly, I find it a little

patronizing, so let's just drop the
subject, okay?

Sorry, guess she wasn't interested.

Sorry to hear that.

Excuse me, but aren't you married now?