All language subtitles for S05E13 - Hit the Road, Jack

All right, I know it's never been done
before, and I know the sheer size

presents an irresistible challenge, but
it is still illegal to climb Dom

DeLuise.

Guilty of assault, 30 days.

And who's our next lucky contestant,
McVanna?

Well, Harry, she's a bag lady from
Manhattan.

Let's have a big New York City welcome
for Papaya Patty.

people's problem with Papaya Patty, Mr.
Prosecutor. Papaya Patty was finished

for panhandling in a public park.

Sure.

Your Honor, the woman is homeless.

She was merely trying to find a place...
Ah!

Ha! Freeze! Stop!

That's my little girl.

Daddy!

You remembered everything I taught you,
except the knee to the groin.

Thank you for that.

So, Jack, I hear you're retiring the old
taxi cab.

And not a minute too soon.

I've had it with filthy exhaust fumes,
potholes, gridlocks, and sitting on my

keister 12 hours a day.

What are you going to do now? I got me a
motorhome.

Well, I guess you got to wean yourself
off wheels gradually, huh?

Of course, you realize, Jack, that makes
you the weenie.

That's clever.

You should be put to sleep, Christine.

Well, Mr.

Prosecutor, shall we pass along Papaya
Patty's problem to public housing?

Perfect, partner.

Reset!

Daddy, shouldn't you be at your trailer
park by now?

Oh, Florida's gonna have to wait a few
days.

I'm having some critical equipment
installed in my RV. What equipment?

Fallout shelter.

Daddy, I've got to prepare for my next
case.

I understand.

I'm leaving.

I guess I'll check into public housing,
too, and see if they've got a spot for

an old man.

Dad, what happened to your apartment?

I gave it up. I thought I'd be gone by
now.

Oh, public housing's beneath me.

I'll grab a cardboard box from the
trash.

Dad. What?

You can stay with me. I couldn't. You
could. I refuse. I insist.

Where are your things?

Outside your apartment.

Why am I not surprised?

Hey, if you're involved with a guy...
There's no guy.

Why not?

Daddy! You do like guys, right?

Yes, I like guys. And why am I answering
these questions? My personal life is my

own business.

Here's a list of all the dates your
daughters had in the last six months.

Now, they're cross-referenced as to age,
occupation, and what time they got home.

Good man feeling.

What is this? Why does everyone think
they have the right to pry into my

private affairs?

Well, shove an ice pick up our noses for
caring about you.

I couldn't have said it better myself,
Dan.

Jack, listen, I just want to take this
opportunity to wish you a glorious and

joyous sojourn into retirement.

Bon voyage, cabbie.

Thank you, buddy.

You're a wonderful, caring human being.

What a nice guy.

Any chance of you two, you know, getting
married?

No.

I prefer someone of the same species.

If I were to get involved with anyone
around here, it'd be someone normal.

Someone like Harry.

Okay, I got eight showing, Bull. What do
you want to do?

Hit me.

Again.

Stay.

What's first on the agenda, Mac?

Digging up a public defender, sir.

Christine's not here yet.

Well, her dad's going to be leaving for
Florida any day now. We ought to let

them have their few remaining precious
moments together.

Maggots with herpes should dine on my
father's lower intestine.

Kind of gets you right here, don't it?

I am sorry, sir, but for the last two
weeks, my father has been driving me

crazy. Bossing me, nagging me. You want
to know why I'm late?

I'll tell you why I'm late.

He made me change into a dress that he
bought for me. He says I dress aloof.

Tell me the truth. Tell me the truth.

Do you think that this looks good?

Sure, if you're on the Jetsons.

Sir, what am I going to do?

Stay out of microwave ovens.

Oh, come on. Maybe you can sweat it out,
huh? I mean, his RV is going to be

finished soon, and he'll be gone to
Florida before you know it. His RV is

finished. Well, then what's the problem?

Hurricane Bubba.

destroyed the trailer park he's going to
move to.

Why do hurricanes always hit trailer
parks? Is it some kind of like

electromagnetic attraction to plastic
flamingos?

Sir? I got an idea.

Why don't you get him out of the house
once in a while?

Well, why should he leave the house,
Mac, when his new best friend comes over

every night? I end up cooking dinner for
them and they sit around belching and

watching roller derby.

Well, then talk to his friend. Who is
he?

Can we have just a salad tonight?

Jack's trying to lose a little weight.

Dan, you're Jack's friend?

Yeah, we've become, um, bosom buddies.

You don't fool me, Dan. I know you're
just sucking up to my dad so you can get

your salivating, depraved body into my
apartment.

Am I a pixie or what?

been poking through my dresser drawers.

That is an unsubstantiated assault upon
my good name.

The woman uses a bra tree.

Is it wood or that new space age
plastic?

Stop it!

I will not have my underwear dragged
through the gutter.

Too late.

You know, I hate to disturb this stroll
down mammary lane.

Defendants are guaranteed a speedy
trial.

Well, you always drag me back to Earth,
don't you, Mac? Yes, sir, and it's

getting harder every day.

Lay it on me.

Cooper versus Geeks R Us.

I think a tattoo would be most
attractive on you.

I already got one on my butt.

It says if you can read this, there
better be an engagement ring in your

pocket.

and gone to heaven.

I knew you'd like this one, sir.

What's the chart?

Oddly enough, lewd conduct.

See, Mrs. Cooper hired our little hearty
band of nuclear survivors here to

perform at her son's birthday party.
Things got a little hairy.

I'm tired of people judging us by our
appearance.

I think in your case, that would be a
plus.

Thanks.

you're the renowned Punch and Judy.

And you, you're Sparky.

Sparky Plug, the world's smallest giant.

And this is the little woman.

Don't you guys recognize Brigette?

323 pounds of follicle femininity.

My name is Aqualung. Yeah, I know you.
You're, uh, you're, you're nauseating.

I can eat anything.

I have consumed car batteries in Cairo,
bat guano in Botswana, and a lazy boy in

Luxembourg.

Where's my gavel?

Wood is one of your four basic food
groups.

The others being?

Metal, plastic, and that stuff they put
inside Twinkies.

Do you know what that little man and
that fat... bearded, tattooed woman did

for entertainment.

It's legal. We're married.

You mean you two bang the gong slowly?

We just did a Moroccan folk dance.

Folk dance?

She slithered around him like a snake.
She swayed, taunting closer and

closer. Excuse me, please.

passionate fandango reached its peak, he
thrust himself at her and disappeared.

You see, my movements created an
unpredictable wind shear.

Little Sparky became airborne and
embedded himself between my tattoos of

Lincoln and Washington.

Uh, Mr. Cooper, this is certainly a most
serious and sobering charge.

Nevertheless, I don't really see where
any law has been broken.

Except maybe the laws of physics.

Exactly. So I'm going to drop the
charges.

Recess.

Hey, guys, don't run off.

I'm something of a sideshow aficionado.
myself, and I think it'd be swell if we

could hang out and swap stories and
stuff. Oh, God, another geek groupie.

Shut up. He's cute.

I got your lunch, kiddo.

Dad, I told you I like to eat in the
cafeteria.

It's not healthy. I made you a nice
sandwich.

Oh, Dad, head cheese again?

Kept you regular through school, didn't
it?

Look at you. Do I know fashion or what?

That is one beautiful dress.

Guaranteed not to burn up during
re-entry, too.

Danny boy, are we still on for the
Yahtzee Grand Tournament tonight?

My dice cup runneth over, Jack.

I'll see you at eight.

What a sweet, sensitive guy.

Dan.

Don't sell him short.

Trust me.

He's got that certain something.

his own mouth?

I forgot you go for the cerebral type.

Dad, please stay out of this. I am not a
kid anymore. I can make my own

decisions. Sure you do, honey.

By the way, I sold your car.

You what?

You sold my MG?

I love that car. That car is a classic.

It was unsafe.

I crashed into one once with a cab.

They had to suck the guy out with a dust
buster.

Rhoda loved the new car.

What new car?

Hey, Christine.

Somebody just parked a 57 Buick
Roadmaster in your space.

In my space.

In Mac's space.

Now that's a car.

Lives for punishment.

I don't believe this. You tell me what
to eat. You tell me what to wear. You

tell me what to drive.

Who the hell do you think you are?

I'm your father.

Well. Let me put you straight, Father.

I don't want your help anymore.

I don't want your interference.

I don't want your bossiness. I don't
want you in my apartment. I want you out

of my life.

What are you getting at?

I'm getting at you're making me nuts and
I want you gone.

I see.

I'll clear my things out right away.

You have to know you've had your last
head cheese sandwich.

Are you going to eat that?

Not on your life.

Could use some brake fluid.

You threw Daddy out?

Dan, this is none of your business. Your
own father? The man who loined you?

Homeless, heartbroken, nowhere to go.

You can have these back. All of a
sudden, they seem dirty.

I can't believe it. I've been talked
down to by Dan Fielding.

You want some advice?

Please.

Burn these.

Hey, you two better come to the
cafeteria. There's a riot going on.

I'm going to extract the garbanzos now.

What happened?

Your father hit him with something.

What? Me.

The bugger wouldn't let go of my leg.

I had to punt.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Don't you know you could put an eye out
with one of those things?

It's Dan.

And he's been neatly pressed.

I just sat down to think things over.

When Flabby Hayes here broke my table. I
just set my lunch on it.

Lunch? That was the evening meal at Fort
Dix.

Hey, that's my wife you're talking
about, buddy.

Wife? I thought she was one of the Smith
brothers.

Sir. Sir, are you sure you're okay? I
mean, a little guy in the eye is nothing

to laugh at.

I'm okay, Mac, but... Mac?

Yeah?

Could I have a pony ride?

It was a nightmare, Bull. I came in here
to check on Jack.

All of a sudden, I'm eating 400 pounds
of cellulite.

But, Dad, it's over now. Why are you so
upset?

Because I liked it.

Well, I'll be running along.

Not just yet, you won't.

caused a riot. You destroyed property.
You injured people.

Are you happy now?

I think content is a better word.

That's it. That's it. You just plant
yourself in the RV and head for Florida

right now.

Okay. But there's a bit of a catch.

What's the catch?

I traded away the motorhome.

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.
You're telling me that you spent your

life savings on a motorhome, the palace
of your golden years, and you traded it

for... This ring.

Really good thinking, Dad. You don't
have a home, you don't have a car, but

you've got a really neat finger trinket.

Actually, this ring is for you.

Me?

Go ahead, take it.

It's Mom's engagement ring.

I always wanted you to have it, but I
wanted to get it fixed up, and I never

had the money till now.

I like the golf setting, don't you?

Dad, it's beautiful.

You know the story behind that ring?

No. You know, your mom and I dated for a
long time.

I wanted like hell to propose to her,
but I was always broke.

Anyway, one day we were at Coney Island.

I had eight hot dogs, six candy apples,
and a pound of cotton candy I threw up

three times.

In other words, you had a great time.

The best.

We stopped at Maury's Baseball Throw in
Lithuanian Deli.

I throw the balls and win.

This ring.

I look at it, and I say to your mom,
just joking, I think this

means we should get married.

And your mom gets this funny look on her
face, and she says, I'd love to.

I'll never forget that magic moment when
Jack Sullivan gave his bride-to-be a 25

-cent ring.

Which is now in a $6,500 setting.

Oh, Dad.

You are such a sweet, sensitive,
thoughtful person.

Why is it I want to rip your ears off
sometimes?

Your mother used to always ask me the
same thing.

And I love you, you big jerk.

I guess I upset the avocado bit, huh?

The apple cart, the dessert tray, the
salad bar.

I've never seen you like this.

You spend a fortune on a motorhome. You
take weeks and weeks customizing it just

so you can trade it in and buy this
ring. You don't want to go to Florida,

do you?

Am I that transparent?

I hate Florida.

The only excitement down there is when
somebody dies and everyone's

shuffleboard time has moved up.

Dad, why didn't you tell me you felt
this way?

I thought I'd get to point you. You
seemed so eager for me to go.

I was only eager because I thought you
wanted to.

Oh, it's not my kind of place.

It's so quiet you could hear a lung
collapse.

Oh, look, honey.

Leaving here would be like cutting my
heart out.

Daddy, all I want is for you to be
happy.

And to find your own apartment.

I will. Right here in the Big Apple.

Where you can be close to life and the
excitement.

And everything you want is right here.

At your fingertips.

Give me the ring back.

Got you.

Almost got it, sir.

What?

Here we go.

Have you recovered from your close
encounter with Madam Butterball last

night?

Yes, I'm beginning to feel
three-dimensional again.

Carrot stick, Dan?

Oh, thanks, Max.

A little salty.

Christine just had an accident in that
Buick her father gave her. What

happened? A garbage truck slammed her
car, knocked it into a bus, she careened

into a lamppost, and from there she
crashed headlong into a brick wall.

Oh, my God, is she all right?

I think I chipped a nail.

Sullivan, you're unmangled.

Yeah, you know, as much as I hate to
admit it, that roadmaster saved my life.

That car is indestructible.

You mean the car's okay, too?

It's better. When I hit the bus, the
clock started working.

So Father really does know best.

If he would never let me forget this,
you must all swear to me he'll never

find out I had an accident.

You had an accident?

Okay, who fainted?

Christine. Dad, what are you doing here?

Lunch. Didn't we talk about that?

It's not for you. It's for my new
roommate.

Head cheese?

Lots of mustard this time?

Half a jar.

And for dessert?

Yes. Ho, ho.

He has made me the happiest man on

earth. So, Dan, you're still using my
father to get to me?

That has nothing to do with it.

I like Jack, and he likes me.

Why? Dan, we still dating the girls from
the barber college tonight?