All language subtitles for S05E02 - Her Honor 4

We've got five minutes before Harry's
supposed to be sworn in.

Where is Dan?

Mac and Bull are trying to sweet-talk
him into covering for him.

Right this way.

Here, put this robe on, Dan. No, I
won't.

Okay, Bull, make a wish.

Come on, you guys, don't you realize
impersonating a judge is a federal

offense? I will spend the next ten years
in prison dancing with some guy named

Bruno in the shower room.

And Mr. Fenton from the mayor's
committee already thinks you're hairy.

And the judge is coming to swear you in
from downtown. He doesn't know the

difference. But believe me, there's no
problem.

You're right.

Because I'm leaving.

Is there anything I can do to make you
reconsider?

Hello again.

Oh, hello, Mr.

Fenton.

Hello.

Why are you strangling your judge?

Strangling? Oh, no, no, no. I'm just
massaging the tension from his Adam's

apple.

Can you relax now, sir?

See? Nice and loose.

Ready to be sworn in again, Judge Stone?

He's very excited about it.

Oh, by the way, the judge we originally
scheduled to do the ceremony got sick.

So you're going to be sworn in by Judge
Crockett.

What? He knows us?

He knows us?

He knows me.

Yes, but he's coming anyway.

Great, that settles it. I am going to
prison.

Well, look on the bright side, Dan.

You'll know lots of people because you
convicted most of them.

Oh, Dan, calm down. It'll be okay.

It's not going to be okay. How can you
possibly say it is going to be okay?

Because I'm pretty sure I'm in the
clear.

Of course, I survived.

Checklist.

what to wear.

My name's Gus. Gus Melvin.

Forgive me for not shaking hands. No,
no, that's okay. That's okay.

So, Gus, what brings you by?

I'm committing suicide, and yourself?

I'm not.

Suit yourself.

Well, if you'll excuse me, you know how
cranky sharks get when you keep their

dinner waiting.

Don't do it.

You've done this before, haven't you?

Well, I mean, why?

Tell me why you're doing this.

Because I can't live with my failure
anymore.

For the last 20 years, I've been an
inventor.

You know the pet rock?

Sure. That wasn't mine.

I never invented anything good.

Well, come on, Gus. After 20 years, you
must have had some good ideas.

Well, there was the pocket aquarium.

Ah.

And then there was toe flops.

Anything else?

Well, my latest flop was the home root
canal kit.

Now, Gus, I can see how that would bring
out the armchair dentist in all of us.

So what circus are you with?

Huh?

Oh, you mean the outfit.

Pretty snazzy, huh?

You know, Gus, I am about to pull off
the stunt of the century.

I'm going to glide over to the Statue of
Liberty, and I'm going to play a prank

so outrageous, so absolutely
mind-boggling, that the entire world

will be pondering it for generations.

Sounds like a desperate plea for
attention.

That, too.

Okay, okay, okay. How about this plan?
We go underground. We live in the sewer

system for five or six years just so the
thing blows over.

Can we?

We're not going to live in the sewers.

Hey, come on. It only sounds bad. I
mean, there's supposed to be a bunch of

albino alligators down there. We could
hunt them for food.

No.

Oh, there you are.

Judge Crockett. Judge Stone is here.

No, he's not.

Okay, let's get this bozo.

sworn in. Where is he? He just pulled
his jacket over his head and went into

his chambers.

Once a loony, always a loony.

Maybe I should straighten up a little
first.

You see, Judge Stone and I are sharing
quarters.

I mean, we only share quarters here.

I mean, we don't share quarters.

I mean, I want to make it perfectly
clear that we have never, ever had sex.

I mean, together.

I mean...

She's okay. We just weaned her from the
Bee Gees a bit too quickly.

I don't have time for this.

Open up, Stone!

Just a minute!

Well, yes, okay, Harry, we'll see you in
just a little while. Fine, uh-huh. Oh!

Hi, Judge Crockett. What a pleasant,
pleasant surprise.

Got the crap feeling.

Where's Stone going?

He's sick, and he's going to throw up.

In the bathroom.

What are you talking about? The
bathroom's out this way. That's the way

to the law library.

Err.

Well, let's hope he's quiet about it.

Judge Stone?

He always likes to throw up between
contract law and civil dispute.

Where's Judge Crockett?

Well, he left.

Because he had to find a telephone.

This one's broken.

You see? It just keeps ringing like
that.

Without anyone...

Drives me batty.

I would like to get started before dawn,
Judge Stone.

Before we start, though, would you go
find my mom? She'd hate to miss this.

She's in the cafeteria.

How will I know her?

Sequin Hot Pants, a big push-up rock.
She makes a great apple pie.

You can't miss her. Thanks a lot, Judge.
You're a babe, really.

Well, so far it's gone great.

That's when they told me they didn't
need my kind of judge on the bench.

My kind of judge, boy.

Does that fly up your nose with a bottle
brush or what?

Yeah, politics is a dirty business.

So what did you do about it?

Well, I filed an appeal with the mayor's
committee, but they rejected it.

Yeah? Then what?

Then I, uh... I made this outfit.

That's it?

You filed one little appeal and then you
just quit?

Yeah, I didn't just quit, Gus. There was
nothing else I could do.

Seems to me you always found a way when
it was someone else on the line.

Why not do it for yourself?

Yeah, well, you don't know anything
about it, Gus. You don't know what it's

like to lose your job and have
everything you ever worked for taken

away from you. And why am I pouring my
heart out to a dope on a rope?

Beats me.

Maybe you're trying to convince
yourself.

Gus, you ever hear the expression, you
can't fight City Hall?

And did you ever hear the expression,
when the going gets tough, the tough get

up off their keisters and knuckle down
before the journey of a thousand steps

begins?

No.

Of course not. I invented it.

Wouldn't fit on the bumper sticker.

What it means is, don't give up.

Oh, wow.

That's catchy. That's what I'm telling
you, Harry.

Don't give up. Look who's talking. A guy
who's about to cast his face to the

wind. I fought the system for 20 years,
Harry.

How long did you fight?

Come back in here, Dan.

No.

You can't stay out there forever, Dan.

Why not?

Got a great view of the park.

Plenty of air.

Fresh poultry.

Dan,

are you going to make me do this the
hard way?

Yes. Good.

Just be glad it was your belt, Dan.

I interrupt something?

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, thank you very much,
Bill. My spine feels much better now.

There's no one vomiting in the library.

Disappointed?

Now that we're all here, could we please
get started?

What are you talking about? Judge Stone
isn't here. What are you talking about?

Yeah, well, I'll puncture it myself if I
have to.

Uh, we better just tell them. Tell us
what?

Okay, I'll tell you.

The truth is, we're all on a secret
mission for the CIA.

Right?

Well, it's no secret that...

Yes, I've always wanted to be a judge.

Even as a little boy, I would sentence
my pet turtle, Marcel, to

solitary confinement. I would nail his
little cage shut.

Just tell them. Hurry, fight!

It was

marvelous.

This is what's great on my resume.

Hobbies? Killing members of the mayor's
committee.

You didn't kill anybody, Dan.

No, I just turned him into a Brussels
sprout.

The doctor said he'll be fine. He just
needs to rest.

See, Dan, by this time tomorrow, he'll
be up and around and ready to press

charges.

Six, one thousand, seven, one thousand,
eight.

Bingo. Eight and a half.

Standard acceleration, 32 feet per
second per second.

8.5 divided by 2. We're about 500 feet
up.

Wow, you could tell all that from a glob
of spit?

I never knew physics could be so useful.

Einstein could sit in an airplane at
1,600 feet and hock one right into a

Dixie cup.

Boy, well, you're no Einstein, Gus, but
I gotta tell you, that glue you invented

worked pretty good.

It was supposed to be a feminine hygiene
product.

You're quite a guy, Gus. No, I mean it.
You've made me rethink my whole

situation. You know what it is I really
want?

A condom that glows in the dark?

want my job back. You know, if I spent
as much time fighting for my job as I

did on this crazy stunt, I'd be on the
Supreme Court by now. And you made me

realize that.

I did. Sure. I mean, look at you. You've
been fighting the system for 20 years

and you got no discernible talent
whatsoever.

Gee, thanks.

I'm going back there, Gus.

I'm getting off my keister and I'm
starting the journey of a thousand

steps.

Me too.

that there's a market out there for me.

And now I know how to reach it. Good for
you, Gus. And I know you're going to

make it because you got courage.

You got determination.

mention it

we've

been waiting for you mr fenton oh

he looks like he saw a ghost

Okay, I've had it with all this
insanity.

You people are stalling for some reason.
Now, I want to know right now, where the

hell is Judge Stone?

He's ready to fight for his job, no
matter how long it takes before I'm

sworn back in. You got your job. Until
these walls are smeared with the last

drops of my blood, I will fight!

I will fight!

I will... I... I beg your pardon?

Can we get on with the swearing in,
please? I'd like to get home before my

term expires.

Here's your Bible.

Here's the judge.

Is there something I should know?

Smile and keep your mouth shut, sir.

Raise your right hand.

Are you planning to shoot anyone?

No. Fine, you're a judge again. Good
night.

Mom and Dad.

Sir, it sure is nice having you
quarterbacking the team again.

Well, it's good to be back, Mac.

And that exploding gallop trick was a
pip, sir.

Indeed.

But don't you worry. These eyebrows will
grow back in two, three years' time.

You're the Prince of Pranks, Harry.

Not anymore, he isn't.

What do you mean?

Daring inventor hang glides to the
Statue of Liberty.

Gus Melman pulls off stunt of the
century.

I don't believe it.

Sir, we're going to celebrate your
homecoming at the restaurant across the

street. You want to go rip up some
chicken?

Oh, yeah, that sounds like fun. I'll be
there in a minute.

Yes, sir. Great. Give me a chance to
pencil in some features.

apparently jumped from the Brooklyn
Bridge.

Statue of Liberty.

Glow in the dark.

He's gonna be on Oprah?

Hi.

Oh, hi there.

Bad news?

Uh, no, no, no.

Snoopy finally ate that bird that sits
on his stomach.

How was your first day?

Well, you know, same old thing.

Winos, drunk, freak, degenerate.

God, it was beautiful.

I never knew how much I liked being a
judge until I was one.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I'll bet you do.

So, what do you say we shack up in a
cheap motel and write Supreme Court

decisions all over each other's bodies,
huh?

Wait a minute.

Oh, come on. You and me and a magic
marker built for two?

Well, that does sound educational.

But we have to talk. About what?

We know we have some pretty strong
feelings for one another.

Yeah.

And at first the problem was that you
were a judge and I was a lawyer. Right.

And then I was a judge and you were...
An unemployed lunatic.

Right. But now we're both judges.

No problem.

Well, there is a wrinkle there.

I'm no longer a judge.

I quit.

You quit?

Listen,

I... You quit? Please. I packed a
suitcase full of pink light bulbs and

Vaughn Monroe records.

I put on that robe, I felt
uncomfortable.

And then I felt nervous.

And then I threw up.

I gather you're not just saying this to
enhance the mood.

My body was telling me what my brain
hadn't figured out yet.

What was that? I'm not a judge. I'm an
advocate. I like taking sides.

A judge can't do that. Not if she wants
to be fair to her defendant.

Oh, fine.

Drag them into it.

What I'm trying to say is that just as
you feel you were born to be a judge, I

feel I was born to be a defense
attorney.

I start back in your court tomorrow.

Then I guess the magic marker is...
Better put a cap on it, sir.

Yeah.

Hate for it to dry out.

Sorry. Don't be.

You're just being true to yourself, and
that's important.

I'm happy for you.

Thanks.

Well, tomorrow?

Sure.

Miss Sullivan?

Yes?

Thank you.

For what?

Saving my job.

Ah. My pleasure, Your Honor.

Who knows? Maybe I'll get busted for
graft and I'll end up getting kicked off

the bench anyway, huh?

Keep a good thought.

She loves me.

She loves me now.

Thanks for the lift home, Mac. Hey, no
problem, no problem.

Harry? Yeah?

Yeah, could I ask you something?

Sure.

Why would you risk your life to hang
glide to the Statue of Liberty? I mean,

with all due respect, that's about as
stupid as a head of cabbage.

Well, I wasn't just gliding, Mac. I had
something else in mind.

It's kind of personal. If you don't
mind, I don't want to talk about it.

Oh.

Well, I understand.

Good night, Mac.

Good night, Harry.

Good night, Mac.

Good night, Harry.

Someday, baby.

Someday.