All language subtitles for S04E21 - Her Honor 1

wrong with your dinner, big guy?

Well, I thought it'd be fun to peel all
the skin off my hot dog before I ate it.

Oh, my God.

Speaking of appetite killers, where's
Dan?

Today? I think he's been down at the
rescue mission giving free legal advice

to the poor.

Dan's still trying to put a good face on
the mayor's judicial selection

committee? Yesterday, he actually taught
a civic class at an orphanage.

Can you picture Dan in a room full of
little kids?

Yeah.

Ransacking their little lunch boxes for
milk money.

Well, it'll all be over soon. The new
list of judge candidates comes out

tonight. And Dan can go back to being
toe jam.

Would anybody like my toes?

You know, I was thinking, wouldn't it be
funny if all this good work that Dan is

doing rubbed off on him? I mean, he
might actually turn into a human being.

Aren't you the one who predicted that
big village people come back?

Sir, the day Dan Fielding becomes a
decent human being is the day I sell my

collection of princess dye porcelain
symbols.

Whoa, Miss Sullivan, no need to bring on
the total collapse of civilization.

You're totally crazy, but I just happen
to believe that when a man sets his mind

to it, there are a lot of things about
him that can change. You do it!

All rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is now
in session. The Honorable Dan Fielding,

presiding.

I beg your pardon?

Oh.

I didn't know you were ready, sir.

You gave me ten bucks.

Dan?

Oh, hi, Harry.

Ooh, just warming that seat up for you.

Toasty.

the nastiest germs on contact.

All rise.

Criminal court part two is now really in
session.

Your Honorable Harold T. Stone
presiding.

You may be seated.

I've got some warrants for you to sign,
sir.

Sorry about that little incident, sir. I
realize this is not the time or place

for groveling, but... Oh, no, this is
the time. This is the place.

I only hope I'm as understanding with my
attorneys when I'm a judge.

Dad, do you really think that your
name's gonna be on that list of new

judges? Do maggots like rotting flesh?

Excuse me while I just go phone that one
into Bartlett.

It's in the bag.

I got a great conviction record.

Good seniority.

And the best part is that the only
person on the nominating committee who

knew me died last month.

See, that is good news.

Dan, you know, I can call a friend of
mine at the committee office to see if

you made the list. That would be great.

Mac, is there any place on this planet
where you don't have a friend working?

Here's that file you wanted, Mac.

making a return appearance.

Do I get a hint? Well, let me see.

The squad car that took him to the
police station was destroyed by a bolt

of lightning.

You mean... Hello.

Bob and June Wheeler, you Yugoslavian
recidivist knuckleheads here.

What the heck brings you by?

They were picked up on a 509B violation,
sir. 509? Uh-huh. B? Yeah. I don't

believe I... I'm familiar with that one.

Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan
very much. It involves the illegal

detonation of poultry.

Excuse me, but I didn't think that
chickens were among our more widely used

explosives.

Sir, the wheelers were merely trying
their hand at egg farming. They ran into

a bit of difficulty with a
propane-powered incubator.

So all the would-be chicks are now...
Quiche, yes, sir.

I've got an incubator with a faulty
shut-off valve.

It was a nightmare.

The god-awful smell of meringue.

Blood-curdling peeping.

The irony of it all is that we got into
chickens because of our difficulties in

running a worm farm.

Oh, there's the picture. You two
haunched over a big vat of... pink,

juicy wigglers.

We were seduced by the glamour of it
all.

Okay, what happened to the worm?

Stampede.

It was like all the pasta you ever ate
in your life coming back to get you.

I guess, uh, just don't have the knack
for...

Animal husbandry.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Bob.

He's been such a downer since Granny
died.

Oh, what the hell? Someone has to ask.

How did she die?

She passed away in her sleep.

That's it?

She was just sleeping peacefully?

Yes.

On the railroad track.

The rail company was very sympathetic,
though.

Didn't even charge her for the ride.

Yes, tragedy does bring out the best in
people.

I've got a question.

Shoot. What the hell were you two
brought in for again?

Um, destruction of neighboring property,
sir, to the tune of about 85 bucks.

Okay, we'll call you guilty. We'll
suspend the fine, but you gotta pay the

damages. Thank you, Your Honor.

Can you afford to pay that much?

Well, Granny did leave us a pretty
substantial inheritance.

What do you got in there, a dead rat and
a pack of Necco wafers?

No, $250,000.

We ate the Necco wafers.

Wait a minute, you're carrying $250,000
around in a coffee can?

No, just half of it.

June's hiding the rest in her brassiere.

Looks like June is busting out all over
it.

Right?

Looks like you've got a pretty healthy
nest egg yourself.

Pinch my toes and call me a jelly donut.

I bet he means that in a figurative
sense.

Hey, look, I gotta go. I gotta go.
Thanks, Larry.

Friend of yours, Matt? Yeah, from down
at the mayor's committee.

I had him to peek at the list, and it
seems that congratulations are in order.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

I'm gonna wear black satin and send
people to jail!

It's not you, Dan.

What? I'm sorry, Dan.

You said congratulations are in order.
Yes, I did.

Because Christine is going to be a
judge.

Excuse me just a minute.

this, but behind my back, they call me
the Magical Magistrate.

No, we don't. We call him Skinnybutt.

Can't wait! Coming through!

I thought you might want to see the
dessert cart.

I guess you can serve them up on the
sofa, Bull.

back to the cafeteria.

Congratulations, Christine.

I think you'll make a neato judge.

Thank you, Bull.

Mimic.

Yeah, I think Bull mimics for all of us
on that one.

Bull!

Or almost all of us.

Don't you want to congratulate Miss
Sullivan?

sucking up, faking overtime, diligently
stabbing my co-workers in the back, and

this is the thanks I get.

Dan, just when I'm about to get what's
mine, it is taken from me by Represso of

Sunnybrook Farms.

In two weeks, that'll be Judge Represso.

Dan, Dan, I know how disappointed you
are, but look at it this way.

Being a judge is no picnic. Take it from
me, it's a grueling...

Jack-breaking job filled with self-doubt
and heartache.

Dan Fielding?

Uh, that would be the heap over there.

Judge Dan Fielding? No, no, he's not a
judge. Well, Judge Fielding, I'm Timmy,

and I've been sent to give you a very,
very special congratulations.

So come on, everybody, put your hands
together with me.

Oh, your name's on the judges' list.
Do-da, do-da, when you move on. You'll

be missed all the doodah day.

Go on to get a gavel. It's your lucky
day.

Because now you're a judge in municipal
court and not some stinking DA.

Hey, come on, everybody.

You're named on the judge's list.
Doodah!

Doodah!

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes? I know how you feel.

Thank you.

Even though we would all really enjoy
watching you do it.

Dan, you must let Timmy live.

Bo was right. Sending that telegram was
a great idea.

Would you like that to go?

Bob, June, what are you guys doing here?

We're unlocking the door to Lifetime
Financial Security.

You remember that $250,000?

Yes. We mentioned to the man who owned
this place that we were looking to

invest it. By a remarkable coincidence,
he said he was looking to sell out.

Wait a minute.

You mean you'd pay $250,000 for this?

We can hardly believe it ourselves.

You're our first customer.

Here you go.

Thanks. Well, good luck, you guys. I
sure hope you make your money back.

We will.

What do I owe you?

$915 plus...

Boy, they've gone up since last time.

Equalizer darts in my desk.

Only way to bring down a rogue
prosecutor.

Oh, Dano.

Whatever happened to the Archies?

Not a day goes by that I don't ask
myself that same question.

Dan, you've got to stop acting like
this.

Oh, yeah?

Well, ten years of working my butt off.
hasn't gotten me anywhere, I thought

maybe I'd try a different approach.

What, acting like a goofy, practical,
joking clown?

Well, yeah, but I'm a trained
professional.

Dan, I know you're upset, but try to
look on the bright side.

You won't be bumped into a higher tax
bracket.

I hope you get robe rash.

That's enough.

Yeah, you know what? I think maybe it is
enough.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job.
Dan.

All right, who wants to share gas to
Florida? Show yourself now.

in his training.

When did Dan get a dog?

Who said anything about a dog?

I'm really worried about him.

Well, don't be. He probably just needs a
little time to himself.

I know, but he seemed awfully depressed.

Well, you don't seem too perky yourself
considering the circumstances.

What do you mean?

Well, you've just been appointed a
judge. Shouldn't you be celebrating?

You're going to be a magistrate of the
New York Municipal Court.

My equal.

That is exciting, sir.

I don't know. I guess it just hasn't had
a chance to sink in yet.

It's funny how your whole life can
change in one second.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Hey.

Want to try the robe on, just see how it
looks?

Your robe?

No.

I couldn't. I don't know. Well, no.

Well, nothing's official yet, sir. I
wouldn't want to seem disrespectful.

Oh, come on. Let's be madcap bohemian
rebels. What do you think?

Okay, this is one.

Uh, sir, we... Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We're
disrobing.

Oh, no, that's okay, guys. What's up? We
found Dan.

He's on the roof.

What? Oh, my God.

Be careful you don't fall off the
gargoyle.

Hey, did you guys see all the traffic
helicopters hovering over the building?

They spotted a moving violation.

Oh.

Well, what are you doing?

Eating my candy bar.

Why are you taking such tiny little
bites?

It has to last me till next winter.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Miss
Christine Sullivan.

Oh, that's me.

I'm Leonard Peel from the Mayor's
Committee, and I've got some great news

for you, Miss Sullivan.

I know, I'm on the judge's list.

Surprise.

Tough luck, Cheetah, but you know the
grapevine.

Who are you, and why did you touch me?

I used the door.

Who's the weenie?

He's from the judges' committee.

Oh, thank you.

What a wonderful job you're doing. Of
course, there was a little oversight in

my case, but hey, wait till next year,
huh?

Annie, this is making me awful dizzy.

Professional colleague teaching her CPR.

Listen, I don't know if you remember the
little incident in the courtroom when

I... When you acted like a selfish,
self-indulgent, idiotic jerk?

Ah, so you remember.

I just wanted to let you know that the
reason I walked out of the courtroom was

because there were principles at stake.

So why'd you come back?

Because I realized something very
important.

Which is?

I have no principles.

I can't afford them.

Greetings, thrifty shoppers.

Well, Bob and June Wheeler, I would have
thought you'd have left town by now.

It's not like you'd let grass grow under
your feet.

Between their toes, it's a different
story.

Didn't Bull tell you? We bought the new
stand.

And we're giving away these handsome
I.D. cards, which entitle everyone who

works here to a 5% employee discount.

Oh, boy, 5% discount on a stick of gum?

Trust me.

Keep the card.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's the matter, Matt?

Your name's not on this list of judges.

Well, somebody must have made a simple
mistake.

Here's your employee discount card.

I'm sorry, Judge Stone. It's no mistake.

What?

I'm afraid you've been turned down for
reappointment.

Sorry.