All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine Season 24 Episode 2_ Ancient Eastern Wisdom_ An Introduction

Excuse me! Is there anybody home?

This is your captain speaking.
We're approaching some turbulence.

The house is on fire.

Oh, that's nice.

I'm leaving you, Howard.
I've had a better offer.

It's not a very good offer, but
it's better than the one I've got.

What is it with you and this book?
It's terrific. He's so heroic.
Right up your street.

The adventures of El Lobo - The Wolf.
The Smiling Bandit and his struggles
against the oppressors of his people.

But can he clean a good window?
It could have been me
if I'd been born in South America.

You can't do that kind of stuff here.
They'd laugh if you wore a sombrero.

See?!

Woof-woof! We'll have none of that.
It's pay-back time!

I must have worn two sets of tyres
out trying to pin you down.

But today's the day! I was watching
from up the hill with binoculars, I
saw you arrive. I know you're there.

Mr Simmonite.

Hey up. All right. Up front.

Cards on the table. Here we are.
Face to face.
Let's get down to business.

You led me a right old chase,
but I want your signature now
on a few dotted lines.

You want me autograph? In several
places. That's ever so flattering,
but I ought to warn you -

we haven't actually made it
in showbiz yet.
Waldo and me have only just started.

Crikey, I've heard of sudden fame,
but this is really fast. Fame?

Ventriloquist act. I'm beginning
to think he's Polish or something.
Can we get down to business?

Are you under the impression
that I'm the Mr Simmonite who's
normally to be found in this hut?

I AM under that impression. Are you
saying you're not Mr Tom Simmonite?
I can understand why -

the resemblance is uncanny.
Resemblance? Between me and
Mr Tom Simmonite of no fixed abode,

who, some say, is inclined to be
tricky. That was probably me.

I'd give you his address,

but I'd hate to feel responsible
for sending you to him when
there's a full moon. Full moon?

That fat white round thing.

I've always felt I could
make a man happy. Flower arranging.

I read one of the major weapons in
the armoury of the perfect homemaker
is a gift for flower arranging.

Sharlene, it's not flower arranging.

The choice of container is crucial.

The gifted homemaker
matches her blooms to her vase.

There's no wonder
your Italian went back to his wife.

He promised me he'd send me her
recipe for spaghetti carbonara.

Men lie. I don't care
what you put in your container.

Hey up, hey up.

Can you hide this car?

Tha nearly hid it yourself.
It almost went up my trouser leg.
There's room up there for a trailer.

This is a matter of urgency.
What do you want it hiding for?

They're coming to take it back.

Your father had a telly like that.
They're so unreasonable! You scrape
everything you can borrow to buy it.

Where do they expect you
to get the money to pay it back?

There must be a flaw in the argument
somewhere, but you've convinced me.

That's because you'd believe anybody.
I find it's simpler to wait till
the wife tells me what I believe.

I wish I could make the Repo Man
believe. He was at the door! Your
father had a door like that, too.

How did you get away? I'm trying to
convince him I'm not Tom Simmonite.

Oh, that's easy! I'd believe it.
Just passing through,
are you, stranger?

Ignore him. So where are you with
this "not being Tom Simmonite"?

I've promised to bring him the real
Tom Simmonite. I've got to find a
lookalike. WE can find one of those.

You are looking at Truly of the Yard.
Finding people is my speciality.

Where are you going to find
another like him? He doesn't have
to be perfect. Just a rough match.

Sounds like my marriage.

It could be yours for a small
deposit. Oh, no, I'm not buying.
I'm looking for a Mr Simmonite.

And you think he's under there?

Oh, no, no. I'm also looking
for his car. Well, when I say
"his" car, I use the word loosely.

At the rate he's going, it could be
his car in about 30 years.

What does this Mr Simmonite
look like? I have my own suspicions,
but he says he's not.

Who says he's not what?
Mr Simmonite. Swears blind he's not.

You're losing me. No, well, I'm not
losing him, though. Not again.

I'm supposed to be meeting him
later with the real Mr Simmonite.

I don't suppose you know the real
Mr Simmonite? Simmonite? Um...

Never mind. Don't strain yourself.
I'll sort it out. They don't
call me the Bloodhound for nothing.

I need a lookalike!
There must be one somewhere.

It's possible. It's amazing where
your father got to on that old bike.

You think you can help me? Listen,
let's have a few conditions here.

I don't believe in helping for
nothing. There are no free lunches.

You can tell he's descended
from Robin Hood. He's a total bandit.

He's got all those legs to support.
What ARE these conditions, Billy?

I'm recruiting for the Merry Men.
I thought you'd got one.

One? What good's one? Anyway,
he went home when he got stung.

By you!
Stinging him for an entrance fee.

It goes towards the uniforms.
I'm not wearing a uniform.

Tha'll be safe in t'greenwood.
We all protect each other.

Each other. There's only you!

There's me and him now. That's not
enough to fill a greenwood, is it?

You need three more
to fill a greenhouse!

Robin Hood and his Merry Man
living in the greenwood.

We don't live in the greenwood.
We don't do a night shift. We have
to adjust to modern conditions.

- More than you can say for this bun.
- You what?!

How did she hear that?
I think it's witchcraft.

What's wrong with these buns? That's
a solid bun. That is a reliable bun.

You don't get a nervous stomach
after a bun like that. Two of those
and you don't need a tranquilliser.

Delicious buns! Hands up all those
who think these are delicious buns!

We tell everybody.

Tell him. Comes back here after
all those years down south to the
detriment of his digestive system.

A momentary lapse of judgment on the
part of certain taste buds normally
associated with delicious buns.

I-I blame the police canteen for
excessive use of vanilla essence.

Lost his taste for an honest bun.

Worse than that - he wears fancy
boxer shorts. They were in the sale.

It's a good job
your mother went when she did.

You weren't always this way.

I remember you
behind the sports pavilion
wrestling with Denny Hodgeson.

Just remember who won.

Where did you find this
golden tongue? In the police force?

Not only short of a lookalike,
I had to leave half a bun!

It was a pleasure leaving mine.

If tha father was here,
he'd never have left half a bun.

Was he a big eater, then?
Only at meal times.

Oh! And sometimes between meals.

What's your Howard wearing?
He looks like a funny Mexican.

He does in a certain light. I saw
his reflection once and thought,
"You look like a funny Mexican."

I knew a Frenchman once,
but he smoked very heavily.

He was very careless with his ash.
A good job the marks didn't show.

Was he good looking? Yes, as far as
you could see through the smoke.

Oh, that?! He's fallen in love
with El Lobo, the Smiling Bandito.

Howard!

He used to smoke. Maybe
I couldn't see too clearly either.

Yes, love?
Well, where's your silly hat? Hat?

Small pause while he runs through
his list of handy excuses.

Well, come on, let's hear it.
Why were you wearing a silly hat?

Yes. It IS a silly hat. And it fits
because I've had a silly life.

No action...no heroics.

Well, it's going to stop.
I'm going to stop being the kind
of person who wears a silly hat.

Ooh! Inclined to be touchy,
these Mexicans.

Where do you think you're going?

Do not presume to question El Lobo,
the Smiling Bandito!

Did he look like
an Entwistle to you?

Isn't that a Lancashire name?
Probably explains it, then.

Hello, here he is again.

If he wants any money,
tell him you don't speak English.

Isn't he the one
who shouldn't be speaking English?

Exactly! We'll confuse him.

You lads in the market
for some ancient Eastern wisdom?

What sort of ancient Eastern wisdom?
Don't encourage him.

The experience of centuries,
available as a guide to your life.
Advice on health, wealth, romance.

I also offer a first-rate service
for any domestic
electrical appliance.

The state that van's in,
you're no great advert
for ancient Eastern wisdom!

There you go, you see,
judging by appearances.

The Sage would say, "Appearances
are but the smoke in the wind."

That'll be 50p. Each.

For what?
For the ancient Eastern wisdom.

We haven't asked for any. Too late.
You should've stopped me.

I'm not allowed to give it
without somebody making
a token offering to the spirits.

50p for appearances
are but smoke in the wind.

I'm giving you group discount.

What's your name? It's on the van.

Electrical?!

Entwistle.

Don't think I'm being nosy,
er, just because I'm being nosy,

but how come your name's Entwistle?

I changed my name, didn't I?

From McIntyre.
I kept being mistaken for a Scot.

What are you, then?

A Yorkshireman. What else? So where
does all this ancient Eastern wisdom
come from, then?

Hull.

I was born in Hull.

As far East as you can get.
Any further, you're in the Humber.

El Lobo is merciless to those
who mistreat their women.

You will release her, Senor.

Caramba! Is it so?

You will face
the marksmanship of El Lobo!

Ha, ha, ha! I am the Hawk!
Move back, varlet.

Nobody stands against the Hawk!
Ha, ha, ha...OOH!

I am El Lobo,

the Smiling Bandito.

I tell thee, verily, Big Gob.
Those who survive will rue the day
they met the Hawk.

Ha, ha!

We've no noodles!

Did I ask for noodles? What makes
you think he wants noodles?

Just a wild guess.

This is Entwistle.

He's from Hull.

Where did his father come from?

Bridlington.
They said that Humber Bridge
would make a difference.

We owe him a snack in exchange for
some ancient Eastern wisdom.
From Hull.

What do you want?
Bacon and eggs.

It's expensive,
this ancient Eastern wisdom.

- Do you all want bacon and eggs?
- With all that cholesterol?

Course we do!
You need it out on them hills.

Three bacon and eggs.
Oh, it's a big day for catering.

And beans and chips. Sit him down
before he gets any more ideas!

Where did you find HIM?

We've got a job for him. He's going
to be Tom Simmonite's look-alike.

Can you do inscrutable?
I can do a great inscrutable.
Let's see, then.

Come out from behind the settee,
Barry. Turn round.

I won't turn round.
You're just being over-sensitive.
You look good in shorts.

They're going to laugh.
They're not going to laugh at you.
Everybody wears shorts these days.

And they make you want to laugh.

Barry, we have to take up SOME
activity now you've given up golf.

I haven't - it's given ME up.
Come along. You dressed properly
for golf. You can dress for hiking.

You can wear long trousers for golf.

Barry. It's a different world now.

People take a pride
in looking terrible in shorts.

I can tell you now with confidence -
people won't laugh.

I'll give him credit.
He does a good inscrutable.

It's in the blood. But how come
NOODLES are not in the blood?

That's the Chinese blood.
The inscrutable's
in the Yorkshire blood.

Ah, I never knew that.
I wonder if we invented gunpowder.

Maybe Marco Polo
only got as far as Cleckheaton.

The Chinese aren't inscrutable -
they yak and jabber.
Yorkshiremen are inscrutable.

When did you discover that?
When you try to sell them
some ancient Eastern wisdom.

Talk about stone-faced.
Well, wherever it comes from,
that's a very good inscrutable.

Never fails. When I put
the inscrutable on, ha-ha...

nothing moves it.

I told you!

It was you, wasn't it?

They don't have sombreros!

You'd think a decent hat shop
would carry sombreros.

It was you in the woods,
wearing a silly hat.
Well, you were waving a silly stick.

That was quarter staff drill!
Well, I wasn't wearing a silly hat.

I was wearing the best hat
I could get for El Lobo. El Lobo?!

El Lobo - The Wolf.

The Smiling Bandito.

I do the Hawk. Direct descendent
of Robin Hood, on my mother's side.
She was a Bristow.

I just wish life had been
more adventurous. I know the feeling.

I'm going to MAKE it
more adventurous.

Go for it!

But get yourself a better hat.

We were supposed to be hiking,
but my Barry won't wear shorts.

Quite right.
If knees were meant to be seen,
they'd be nearer your ankles.

I do a hiker's breakfast,
and if they can walk very far
after that, I should like to see it.

I think they just go off for a zizz.

I can't do with anything that you
can't do in high heels. I expect
you've explored most possibilities.

I never mean it, but it's too late
by the time you realise you should
have got out at the last stop.

I think I must have missed the bus.

Me too. Except for
the best out of three falls once
with little Denny Hodgeson.

When was this? Drink your coffee!

How long have you been
going hiking? We haven't.

It was my idea, to get his mind off
his failure at golf.

Mine's gone off
looking for a sombrero,

as worn by El Lobo,
the Smiling Bandito.

Oh, didn't they make a film about
that? Oh, he had lovely big brown
eyes. Oh, he was lovely, he was.

Well, you've had your share
of brown eyes.

Who was that one from Huddersfield?
How should I know?

But I must've loved him a lot to
cycle all the way to Huddersfield.

To look at Howard
on our wedding photos,

you'd never realise I were marrying
El Lobo, the Smiling Bandito.
Cake, anyone?

Why have we come to the allotments?

Because there's a surprise
waiting for you in your hut.

Not only have we found just what
you're looking for, but we deliver.

You've found me a look-alike?
Guaranteed to confuse the Repo Man.

And even you, for that matter.
Er, wait.

BELL CHIMES

You're right. It's uncanny.
I could be his double.

Could I have a word?
He doesn't look like me!

I think he was here first. What you
mean is, YOU don't look like HIM.

We don't look like each other.
Why would you say that?

He's Chinese! You can't deny him
the right to look like you just
because he's Chinese. That's racist.

He's older than me. Ageist.

He doesn't look like anybody
that calls themselves Simmonite.

There was an Emperor Simmonite.
Had 400 concubines.

You see where your father
was coming from?

You've brought him
to the right place.

There's nobody else for miles
equipped for turning people
into Mexicans. Oh, aye.

He wants to know - how much are
the boots with the silver spurs?
Get them on his feet!

What kind of smiling bandit
goes around worrying about money?

What else have you got
in that costume department?

By sheer coincidence,
just what you're looking for.

You don't KNOW
what I'm looking for. Try me.

Have you got anything for the Hawk,
a tall, legendary figure, with room
for a thermal vest? The Hawk...

I'm sure I had something last Monday.
I remember thinking, "Just the thing
for the Hawk." What is it?

I can't remember off-hand.
I'll know it when I see it.

He says the boots
are a bit too small.

The boots are what they are.
If his feet are too big,
I can't be responsible.

Tell him to walk about a bit.

He says the hat's too big as well.

Tell him never.
Mexicans are famous for big hats.

Here we go. This is him now.
He looks like somebody
who knows how to collect money.

Don't let me give him any money.

The fellow that belongs to the hut
there - er, you don't know
of any other Simmonites, do you?

There was an Emperor Simmonite.

Had 400 porcupines.

Not going to the hut, are you?
Oh, aye, I've got some business
with the owner.

With Simmonite? Aye.

What? Should we warn him?

Why do I need warning? You develop
a hide like a rhino in this game.

I am immune to personal suggestions.

Maybe he'll be all right.
If he doesn't wander into tricky
territory. What tricky territory?

With Simmonite, lots of things
are tricky territory.
Especially his pride.

He once threw a pub bouncer straight
over a van. Did he say what for?

For questioning his Yorkshire roots.

It wasn't a LARGE van.
But it was travelling pretty fast.

Oh, I'm not a beginner in this job.
I've been doing it for years!

Pub...bouncer?

Big fella.
Works for Mothercare now.

I've heard he's getting better.

But he still can't sleep
without a light on.

Why not come and introduce me,

and leave when we get down
to personal details? Fine.

You'll be OK if you don't offend
his pride. What's he so proud about?

Being a Yorkshireman.
Oh, one of them, is he?!

What kind of funny phone call?
"This is El Lobo," it said.
"The Smiling Bandito."

Sounds Italian.

Are they very...you know...

demanding?

You'll need plenty of olive oil.

Is that the best you can offer?

Get to the bathroom first.
He'll be longer than you.

I thought it was going to be
one of those FUNNY phone calls.

I nearly didn't agree to meet him!

I thought the other one
was the real Mr Simmonite.

People do.
I've been after him for yonks.
I like a happy ending.

Gentleman to see you, Mr Simmonite.

How do, lad?
Tha's just in time for a bit
of ancient Hull Fish Docks Wisdom.

How did tha know
I was having a sale?

Remember - don't start querying
his Yorkshire credentials.

Remember -
compared to him, Sean Connery
is a lady from Wimbledon.

Little Denny Hodgeson!

You don't REALLY wear
fancy boxer shorts, do you?

They were in the sale!

I thought El Lobo
was the SMILING Bandito.