All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine S24E06_ The Miraculous Curing of Old Goff Helliwell

Phwoar! That dangerous, craggy
rock face reminds me strongly

of what used to be waiting for me
when I returned home from work.

I used to be the kind of person
who'd look at this view

and think it was worth the walk
getting here.

A love of nature depends
quite a lot on your knees.

I'd sooner be at home
with the little woman.

You haven't got a little woman.

I know, and HE'S supposed
to be working on it.

Don't mind him,
he's pining for a wife.

I'll send him mine round.
But she'll bring her sister.

I want one of me own.

You couldn't keep the one you had.

I know. I was younger.

I've got more personality now.

THEY ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

Wait for me!

A-a-argh!

Eh, up!

Howard's bent his ladder.

I think it suits him. I think
he goes well with a bent ladder.

I need to get this straightened.
It don't look safe to me.

El Lobo doesn't care about safety.
No. Ha-ha! He laughs at safety.

What put the kink in your ladder,
we can't help wondering?

It was a small industrial accident.
Pearl caught you again, did she?

I was climbing out the window,
testing it for fire-escape purposes.

Looks like it failed.

She caught me halfway down.

A very nasty place to be caught.

Could I make a suggestion?
Wouldn't it be easier
to bend Howard to fit the ladder?

You come out to get your ladder
repaired, and you get insulted!

Howard, you needn't bring a ladder.
We'd insult you, anyway.

I-I don't think I've got any change.

Think?! You don't think?!
Have you checked?

I'm pretty certain I've no change.

Check. Don't stand there guessing.

Jacket! Duh!

What's he doing all twisted up,
if it's not a personal question?

He claims he's got no change.
You're not letting him off, then,

on the grounds
of diminished responsibility?!

I am NOT. It's a good cause. You
hear such heart-breaking stories,

but I make 'em dig into
their pockets, anyway. Oh, well.

There you go. Well, it's
a fair cop, and we'll go quietly.

It's easier to give than go through
all he's going through.

Oh! Go over there and search -
before somebody sends
for an ambulance.

He looks worse than Goff Helliwell,
and HE'S not expected
to last more than a week.

Old Goff?
He looked fit enough last time.

Well, I knew a Goff Helliwell.
He was fit enough, I promise you!

This one isn't.
His wife says he's not expected
to see much of next week.

Every little helps. I've no change.

No change?! Go over there with him
and search through your pockets.

You're looking all thoughtful,
philosophical even.

What are you thinking about?
Steak-and-kidney pie.

Oh! Philosophical as that.

I could just fancy
a nice steak-and-kidney pie,
cooked by caring hands, you know?

As a change from your missus.
Don't you think she cares?

Yeah, I think she cares. She's just
dead duff at steak and kidney.

Look at that.
That's terrible parking.

Not for HER. That's not bad
for HER. I've known her park
INSIDE the shop.

Is that your mother-in-law's car
parked down there? Where?

The one with the rear end
out in the road. Yeah.

Do us a favour.
Go and ask her to park it properly.

I daren't tell my mother-in-law
to do anything!

I'd have to be kamikaze. Sorry,
you'll have to tell her yourselves.

We daren't tell her either.
No. Last time, she was
very critical about men in general.

Well, she IS. Yeah.
And, particularly, those in uniform.

You can get some nasty wounds
from old ladies.

If you think her parking's bad,
you should see her driving.

Oh, we try not to look.

Of all the unsolved questions
of the universe,

what really intrigues me is -
what does Howard need with a ladder?

When you're his size,
you're bound to need a ladder.

Howard needs a ladder
to fasten his boots.

I don't like it. It's sinister.

What's sinister about a ladder?

In the wrong hands, it's sinister.
Oh, I admit they CAN be lethal.

No, he's up to something, and sooner
or later, it's going to involve ME.

I once saw
three people killed on a ladder.

Well, when I say "killed", er...
Actually, one of 'em hurt his foot.

There's a bit of a difference
there. That much exaggeration's
a bit ripe, even for ME.

You have to open
with dramatic effect.

Who'd be interested
in a ladder story about some muffin
who hurt his foot?

It's the storyteller's art.
You learn it in the witness box.

It's one thing living next door
to a maniac -

now it's a maniac with a ladder.

Goff Helliwell
is going to die next Tuesday.

What time? Are tha sure
he's not just hurt his foot?

Where did you gather this rubbish?

He picked it up whilst
he was being mugged by Nora Batty.

She collects all your loose change.
It's for charity.

Nora Batty?! Huh! That's only
an inch short of armed robbery.

Half an inch.

CLUNK!

We're going
to have to tell her ourselves.

Go and tell her she's badly parked.
YOU go.

How can you
be afraid of old ladies?
I'm not afraid of old ladies.

Just THAT one.

Mrs Pegden,
y-your car's parked down there,

fairly neatly, but, unfortunately,
mostly on the pavement.

Oh, I'm not just a driver,
you know. I'm a pedestrian.

And as a pedestrian,
I'm entitled to the pavement.

Go on!
You know where the car's parked.

To absent friends.
After next Tuesday,
to old Goff Helliwell, then.

He looked fine when I saw him
last week. He's just a lad.

How old is he? 78.

He was just within
our recruiting age for t'Greenwood.

You see, cut down in his prime.

I always thought Goff Helliwell
was too awkward to die. I felt sure
he'd make some other arrangement.

He's dying on Tuesday
because they told him
he wouldn't last past Monday.

Well,
he was a terrible bloke to persuade.
You couldn't tell Goff anything.

He wouldn't admit that World War Two
was over until 1960.

Huh! He gets an idea in his head,
and you can't shift it with reason,
logic or dynamite.

He's been all those years
with Mrs Helliwell.

Shows you how stubborn he is.

Put up with THAT
sooner than admit his mistake.

He liked the ladies in his day.

Do you think we ought to pay
our respects? He's not dead yet.

We could do it while he's still
with us. He might appreciate that.

Oh, he's never appreciated anything
before. But that's just his way.

That's right. He's what
you could call... Awkward. Exactly.

We ought to take him
a bit of something.

What do you take a dying man? He's
not going to want a gift voucher.

Let's take him a drink. If he's not
up to it, we'll drink it to him.

We'll have to smuggle it
past Mrs Helliwell.

I hate visiting the sick.
I never know what to say.

Ask him what he's going to do with
his collection of cigarette cards.

It doesn't matter.
By being there you show sympathy.

We could have shown it without a
tie. You look smart for a change.

He'll think that's suspicious.

Well, we've got to make it clear
to him that if HE'S prepared to get
well, then WE'LL get scruffy again.

I wonder what he's dying of. We'll
ask him. Suppose his memory's gone.

Somebody must know.
He can't have kept it to himself.

I was once at somebody's sick bed
when they actually died.

I knew I'd been very boring, but
I didn't think I was all that bad.

Thanks for coming.

Florrie.

I only saw him last week.

I know. He was fine last week.

Is he allowed visitors?
Oh, aye. He'll want to see you.

Florrie, Florrie...

what's wrong with him?

Nothing. How do you mean, nothing?
What's he dying of?

Stubbornness. You know how he is.

He's made his mind up.
He's going to die next Tuesday.

Well, yes, we DO know.
We...we know how stubborn he is.

If he's made his mind up,
he probably will.

CLASSICAL MUSIC ON RADIO

Lads! Make theeselves comfortable.
RADIO OFF

What's this about dying
next Tuesday?

Tuesday. That's it. Finished.

Aren't you supposed to be ill first,
or something?

Oh, bother that.
That gets messy and inconvenient.

Tha can't just die, just like that.

Who says, clever beggar?
Just thee wait. Tuesday it is.

Oh, stop sniffling, Florrie,
I've left thee well-provided for.

Women! If they're not
shouting at you, they're weeping.

Why Tuesday?

She does shepherd's pie on Monday.
I'm not missing that.

You're not going to do anything...
SILLY on Tuesday, are you, Goff?

I'm going to die. Some people
might think that's silly.

Well,
it's never going to be popular.

How are you going to do it?

Will power. They said
I'd never pass me driving test,
but I showed 'em, didn't I?

After 33 times.

I had
these clever-dick instructors.

There's only one thing you can do
with that sort - that's ignore 'em.

If it takes thee that long to die,
tha'll outlive us all.

This one I'll do in one. You know
me when I've made me mind up.

We brought you a drink.

Good. It's a beggar
when you have to be dying
before somebody brings a drink.

There's no need to go that far.

Is that a Bible? Aye.

I thought I'd better straighten
meself out a bit. Before Tuesday?

I've a fair bit to do.

DOOR SHUTS
I hope that's you, Barry. There
shouldn't be anyone else with a key.

It's only me. Barry!
Why have you left work?

I've just heard Mr Helliwell's
not expected to live much longer.

I'll have to pay me last respects.

Do we know a Mr Helliwell?
He was me father's friend.

What's he dying of? They didn't say.

Barry, suppose it's contagious?
I'll have to go, love.

Can't you just write?
Glenda, he's me godfather.

Barry, you never told me you
were linked to the Godfather.

He's not THE Godfather,

he's just A godfather.
Oh, Barry, are you sure?

Well, yeah, course. Like I said,
he was a friend of me father's.
They weren't in olive oil together?

You KNEW my father. He was a
salesman. He used to travel a lot.

Doing what, Barry?
Removing Mr Helliwell's enemies?

He'll probably do it -

if he's made up his mind.
You know what he's like. Crackers.

I always think that helps.

People CAN do it
when they make up their mind.
Well, look at old Thorneycroft.

He was 102.

Ah, yes, but that's how he was.

It took him a long time to make his
mind up. Goff looks fitter than me.

You'd better be careful, then,
if he asks you
what YOU'RE doing next Tuesday.

Why is he so determined on TUESDAY?

It's his darts night. He never got
over being dropped from the team.

He was never there. He was
always retaking his driving test.

Who was teaching him, Edie Pegden?

Somebody ought to remind him
of the finer things of life.

Sunsets, birdsong, double top.
He used to like the ladies.

He passed that test first time.
Well, maybe THAT could be the cure.

Maybe he ought to be reminded
of THAT. Reminded? In what way?

Excuse me, Cleggy.
I know you hate me bursting in,

but... Always a pleasure, Howard.
It is? Of course it is.

Now, who do we know
who might have access to a lady

who might put the spark back
into Goff Helliwell? What lady?

How big a spark?
Just to see him past Tuesday.

Needs someone who can pull him
back from the grave.

Then what? Somebody potent enough
to push him straight back in,
if he's not careful.

She could do it, Howard.

Why should you think
I know any lady?

What do you keep turning round for?
I think someone's following you.

Well, why would they be following
ME? I was wondering about that.

But you don't like to ask. Can't
you push this thing a bit faster?

Uh, uh.

Mrs Batty.

Collecting for a good cause. If you
don't mind me saying so, Mrs Batty,

you remind me of Florence
Nightingale - angel of mercy.

Oh, he's got the same golden tongue
as his father.

Lady of the Lamp.

It's a collecting tin.

You can see how he always spots
these things, my assistant here.
Uh-h!

We've got to go, Mrs Batty.
There'll be a man coming round the
corner any minute. Nasty character.

Never gives to charity.
Don't waste time persuading him
to part with his money.

It's not a waste. It's a challenge.

Never gives to charity?
We'll see about that.

I'm sorry,
I can't stop just now, madam.

Are we going to keep dancing, or
are you going to put something in?

Are you sure this is necessary,
Howard?

It's wonderful cover.
Nobody'll ever look twice.

I think it's the best I've ever
thought of. Well, if you say so.

You're the master planner,
or so I keep hearing,

mainly from you.

We can go
wherever we like with this.
No-one's ever going to question us.

It's all perfectly innocent.
There goes another day off.

Hello, hello, hello?

Giving your love life
a lick of undercoat, Howard?

You've gone quite white, Howard.

Did you know there was a lady
at the end of your ladder?

Excuse me, but we've got to go.

We promised to paint an old lady's
fence. It was her one last wish.

Oh, come off it, Howard. Look, we
need to borrow Marina for a while.

I must warn you, I'm only available
for the next 24 hours.

Cheer up, Howard. It's for
a good cause. If old Goff gets over
this, he'll be fit for anything.

We need her to restore
the magic to a weary spirit.

And anything goes - as long as
she doesn't beat him at darts.

Oh, well, if it's restoring magic,
how can a young lady refuse?

Look, couldn't you
just increase his medication?

We'll have to
when SHE'S finished with him.

Bring your ladder, Howard. She'll
have to go in through the window.
Heavens! A bedroom scene.

He's leaving you well-provided for?
He's been very thoughtful.

I hope you've got it in writing.
And a copy for his solicitor.

Ooh, let's not go all sentimental!

You always
let your heart rule your head.

I don't know why you think
I was so bad. I was always saved
from something serious by my giggle.

Yes. That always helps(!)

I was never one for giggling.
We've noticed(!)

How did you keep
a straight face on your honeymoon?

I kept thinking
how much it was costing.

We never had one. Goff
wanted a part for his motorbike.

Ooh, how romantic(!)
I'm glad I never met your husband.

And she didn't miss many.

Oh, Edie! Don't believe everything
you hear from Mrs Medhirst.

She's not an unbiased witness.

I didn't know he belonged to HER.

He said he was from Bolton.

There's some who would be
very careful about going
with anybody from Bolton.

He may not be romantic, but at
least he's left you provided for.

He's not gone yet. What makes
everybody think he's going to?

He's got his mind set on it.
It's no good arguing with him.
He only gets mad.

Well, he'll only be mad
till Tuesday, won't he?

DOORBELL RINGS
They're coming in droves.

He's never been so popular.
Ye-es. Dying puts a gloss on 'em
they've never had in health.

You can say that again.

She let him
become too undisciplined.

If she'd had him under control,
he wouldn't be dying on Tuesday.

Maybe there's another woman.
Maybe he's found love at last.

You're still as daft as a brush,
our Roz.

I know. It's the only thing
that keeps you going.

Again?

Are we only allowed one visit?
Should we come back on Wednesday?

It's just that he's easier
to chat to at the moment.
You'd better come in.

I wish you weren't going to see
the Godfather, Barry.

I keep telling you, he's not THE
Godfather. He's just A godfather.

Have you seen the repo man?
Repo man? He's after Tom.

It's a mistake. He thinks I've
got money. You're all dressed up.
We're off to see the Godfather.

Only to say goodbye.
I'm not working for him.

Suppose he makes an offer
you can't refuse? She won't be told.

The Godfather.

What are you grinning at?

Hey! Don't open that. I'll be in
a draught. Tha's nesh for somebody
who's going to die next Tuesday.

I'd like to die comfy, thank you
very much. Just before EastEnders.

When the spirit is at
its lowest ebb. Good thinking, Goff.

You won't be dying. THIS is going
to put a spark back into your life.

Spark?
She's more like third-degree burns.

Who is? Unless, of course, it makes
dying seem even more attractive.

Did you think
we came here empty-handed? Mmm?

Goff, you are about to be rushed
into Intensive Care.

I don't like
you going into strange bedrooms.

You know I'd never dream of it,
unless it was a work of charity.

Intensive Care? Oh, and then some!
This is better
than a bunch of grapes.

I hope he knows what to do with the
pips. Goff, cast your eyes on that.

It's the sort of thing
tha used to like.

Howard?!

No, not Howard!

Where is she? She's just attending
to her hair. I want you to know,
I don't approve of this.

Get her up the ladder.
There's a dying man here.

Mr Helliwell
was a friend of my father's.

He's the last person to be involved
in anything improper.

Home, Barry, now!

But I didn't have... Now!

Mr Simmonite?

Who wants to know?

Roz?

It is. It's Roz!

Oh!

Oh, I'd no idea
it was THAT Mr Helliwell.

Roz! Oh, be bothered about dying,
Florrie. I don't know why
you let me talk meself into it.

Get inside!

All right. So, tell me, what are you
doing carrying our ladder out here?

Some people carry
Swiss Army pocket knives.

Oh, come on!

By heck, what a recovery, though.
You worked your magic there, love.

Do you think so?
Leapt out of bed, didn't he?

Going the other way. Funny!

Never had
a good sense of direction.

It took him 33 times
to get his licence. Heavens!

I could have been there ages.
You gave him back his vigour.

I did. What a pity I never
got to see his cigarette cards.

What do you collect, Norman?

Terrible rashes.
I'm highly contagious.

That is of no consequence
to an angel of mercy.

We must find something
for your spots.

He sort of stopped believing you
when he saw you'd cut your finger.
You didn't tell me it was sharp.

It was a razor.
That might have been a clue. Ooh...