All language subtitles for Inside No. 9 - 1x4 - WEBRip

Graham?

Graham.
What?

How do you turn this on?

It is on.

How do I record?

Press the button.

This one?

Yeah.

Why's the light on?

It's in standby.

Oh, right.

Tam-Tam?

Tam-Tam, when I say go,
I want you to explain

what day it is and who's coming,
okay, love?

Why?

Well, so we have a record of it.
You don't want to forget it, do you?

Hang on, let me find the button again.

Right.

And...

Go.

Well done, Tam-Tam.
Do you want to watch it back?

No, thanks.

All right. We'll watch it later.

Oh, I can't bloody do it.
Where's the pumper?

What do you mean you can't do it?

It's these stupid long ones.

Well, stretch it, Graham, stretch it!

Oh, just get me the pumper!

I told you to do them last night!

He's here! Graham, oh, my God!

All right, calm down,
he's only flesh and blood.

I know, but in our house!
Graham, oh, my God!

His turds are brown, aren't they?

Oh, Graham...
Well...

Oh. He's here, Tammy!

Hello! Come on, come in.
She's just through here.

You, uh, found us all right, then?
Yeah, no problem.

Oh, this is my wife, Jan.

Oh!

Hi. Frankie Parsons.

I know.

She's a big fan of yours.
Oh, Graham.

Lovely to meet you.
You've got beautiful eyes.

Oh. Oh!

Uh, you know Sally from the Make-A...

Wishmaker, UK.

We spoke on the phone. Hi.
Hi.

Oh, gosh, what a lovely house.

Oh, thank you, it's a...

So, is this jasmine through here?

Tamsin.
Tasmin?

Tamsin.
Tamsin.

Hello, Tamsin.

Happy birthday.

So, you're nine today, are you?

Oh, hang on a second.
I just want a video of this.

Do you mind?
No, no, not at all.

I'd like a copy for myself, actually.

I'm excited to meet this brave, little
girl who I've heard so much about.

You want me to step out
and come back in again?

Oh, yes, please.

Ready? Hey!

Oh, there's no need for you to do that.
I'll go and get the pumper.

It's okay! I got it.

Too many cigarettes.

Are you okay?

Almost done. One more push.

Oh...

Daddy!

Shit, what's happened?

Jan!
He fell.

Um, what do you mean he fell?

Mr. Parsons!

He's...
Mr. Parsons!

Get him a cup of water or something.

Jan!
What's he done?

He's not breathing!

Here.

Do you take sugar, Sally?
No.

Yes, actually, do you have sweeteners?

Um, Jan, do we have sweeteners?

In the drawer.

Which?

The one with the Hoover bags.

Sorry, I still don't...

I'll get them.

She's upset.

She wanted him to sign her CDs.

Oh, we have autographs on file.
I can arrange to have one sent.

Oh, thanks.

Be worth a few bob now, I should think.
I know.

Mr. Forbouys is on his way.

He said don't touch anything
until he gets here.

Right.

Mr. Forbouys is Frankie's manager.

Was Frankie's manager.

Here. They're packet ones, I'm afraid.

She nicked them off a train.

Oh, Graham!

Well, it hardly matters now, does it?

We've got a world-famous dead pop star
in our Tamsin's bedroom.

No one's going to mind
about a few stolen Canderels.

Oh, Tam-Tam...

Love...

Are you sure we shouldn't call 999?

Mr. Forbouys said to wait.

Said this place would be crawling
with pigs if we do that.

You mean police?

No. I'm talking about press, ain't I?

If they find out Mr. Parsons died
in that way, they'll be like vultures.

Must be awful doing that job.

You know, you're either
a pig or a vulture, aren't you?

You're never a horse
or a creature with dignity.

Horrible.

I suppose they'll all want
to get the first picture.

Mmm. Look what they did to Diana.

And Kate.
Yes.

Her boobs are out there now.
She can't take 'em back.

We've got to protect Frankie's legacy.

Absolutely.

Are you all right there, Tam-Tam?

Do you want me to take that off you,
love?

Can I take the balloon, please, miss?

Aw, let her keep it.

The balloon?
What do you want it for?

Well...

I believe that you are in infringement

of Mr. Parsons'
intellectual property rights.

What?
It's a comfort to her.

It's only a balloon, for goodness' sake.

One that contains Mr. Parsons' breath.

His actual dying breath.

Oh, good lord.
Oh, that's made me go all funny.

Oh, just give it to him, Tamsin.

There you go.

Careful!

All right. It's fine.

Tie a knot in it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I just can't do the...

Use two fingers...

I can't do it, can I? It won't...

No... Let me do it.

Just be careful, all right?

Got it?

If you'd only used the pumper,
none of this would have happened.

Jan. please!

There.

Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's just take a breath, shall we?

Jan, go and get Tamsin's laptop
from her room, please.

But Frankie's in there.

Just get it, please.

We need to find out
what we're dealing with here.

My boss. Should I answer it?

Yes.
No.

Hi, Nigel.

Oh, gosh. Yes, oh, I'm so sorry,
I completely forgot.

I've got a little boy
with cerebral palsy

who wants to play chess
with Noel Edmonds.

Nigel, could you get Sandy
to cover for me at all?

I'm just dealing with a situation here.

No, no, no, no, it's all going well,
you don't have to come.

It's just, um...

Mr. Parsons wants to stay and...

Suck off...

Sing off with Tamsin on the karaoke.
Yes.

Oh, they're having a ball,
they're doing La Bamba as I speak.

♪ La, la, la, la, la Bamba

♪ La, la, la, la Bamba ♪

She's a lucky girl, isn't she?

What is going on?

Frankie's lying dead next door,
and you're singing Billy Joel!

Bill Joel? That wasn't Billy Joel!

Who's Billy Joel'?

Are you serious? Who's Billy Joel?
I've heard it all, now.

Well, whoever it is,
I don't think it's appropriate.

Disaster averted. We don't really want
anybody else coming round, do we?

Not until Mr. Forbouys gets here.

I'm going to give this to you
as a neutral, okay?

Yes. Fine. Oh, let me just
take my ring off, it's a bit spiky.

There.

That's better, isn't it?

Is this some sort of party game?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Step away
from the balloon, miss, all right?

What's going on?
Miss, I need you to step away.

Oh, you've all lost your heads.

All right, here we go. Look at this.

Justin Bieber's fringe, $40,000.
Gosh.

Elvis Presley's hair, $120,000.

Michael Jackson's glove, $400,000.

What's this got to do with anything?

Jan, we've got a balloon here containing
Frankie Parsons' final breath.

His actual dying breath,
captured and preserved for eternity.

We've even got the video to prove it.

Oh, that's sick.

The world's sick, Jan.

Someone paid five and a half grand
for Scarlett Johansson's used tissue.

It's like Billy said.

We didn't start the fire.

You're going to sell
Frankie's last breath?

Well, we don't know what it's worth,
do we? Could be 50 quid or 50,000.

Or more. At Wishmaker UK, we get to see
the value people attach to celebrities,

and it's quite staggering, I tell you.

Something like this could make
a lot of children's wishes come true.

Yeah, but this is Tamsin's wish.

Isn't it, Ta m-Ta m?

That wish belongs to us.

What about Bermuda Love Triangle?

It's a bit, uh, rocky,
given the circumstances.

Yeah. I suppose we want
something more somber, don't we?

But not maudlin. He was never maudlin.

How about Feel You Up, Feel You Down?

Was that the one where he tried to rap?

Yeah.

Oh, no, I don't like it, Sally,
he uses language.

Oh, yes, shit, I'd forgotten, sorry. Oh.
Sorry.

Frankie was best
when he was just classic.

Do you know what I mean?

Mmm.

Timeless.

My favorite was One Day In Your Life.

Oh, yes.
That's the one.

One Day In Your Life.

Were you actually a fan of his
before you started to work for him?

No. No, I prefer hip hop.
Gangster rap, that sort of thing.

Oh. I once met Jazzy Jay in a lift.

Right.

Right, I've got some numbers for you.

I spoke to a woman at Christie's and got
a ballpark figure for the last breaths

of Nelson Mandela and Robbie Williams.

I figured that Frankie
was somewhere in between.

These are hypothetical last breaths?

Yeah, yeah, hypothetical ones,
obviously.

Aw, do you need a wee-wee, Tam-Tam?
Go with her, Jan.

I don't need a wee.

Come on, sweetheart.
Your dad wants to talk some business.

So I said, imagine you're at Nelson
Mandela's death bed with a jam jar...

A hm Sat'?

Yeah, well, I was improvising, wasn't I?

Well, that's one birthday
we won't forget in a hurry, isn't it?

How many birthdays do I have left?

We don't know, darling.

Lots and lots, we hope.

I liked Frankie. He was nice.

Parsons at our house.

That was going to be my moment.

And now it's gone.

Is it my fault?

Darling, no, why would it be your fault?

I wanted him to blow up the balloon.

Well, you weren't to know.

Will his soul go to heaven?

Yes.

Yes. It will.

So, how are we going to do this?

Well, as a neutral, I'd say
the only fair way is equal shares.

Yeah, absolutely.

Third for you, third for me,
third for the family.

That sounds about right.

Hang on a minute, what do you mean,
"A third for the family?"

Oh, that's a lot of money.

Yeah, but there's three of us.

So, what are you saying?

We should split it in fifths.
Me, Jan, Tamsin, you and Sally.

A fifth.
I worked for him all those years

on shitty wages,
and all I get is a fifth?

Well, that's equal shares, isn't it?
Five people.

How about we compromise
and say quarters?

Quarters?
Yeah.

Twenty five percent each.

So who loses out?

Nobody. You and your wife get half,
and we split the other half between us.

Yeah, and what about Tamsin?

She's underage.
So?

She's just a kid,
she shouldn't get that much money.

She's earned it.

What? By making him blow into a balloon
and giving him an aneurysm?

Mr. Vickers.

With respect, if we give Tamsin
an equal fifth, well...

That's gonna revert back to you
pretty quickly, isn't it?

What?

I mean, without being emotional,
when the inevitable happens,

you and your wife
are going to be sitting on

three fifths
between the two of you, and, uh...

Simon and I don't think
that's particularly fair, do we?

Uh-uh.

Now, just a minute...
Put it down, put it down!

This balloon actually belongs to us.

We paid for it,
Jan will have the receipt somewhere,

so you two can just fuck off!

I beg your pardon?

You heard me! Fuck off!

This is my house, my party
and my balloon!

You invited us here, Mr. Vickers.

Mr. Parsons gave up time
from his busy schedule.

I don't give a shit. He's dead now,
and I want him and you out of my house!

And we'll go just as soon
as you give us what's rightfully ours!

What's rightfully ours, you mean.
Pack of 12, £1.99!

But what's inside it isn't yours, is it?

You own the skin,
but you don't own the air.

Oh, that's right. Nobody owns the air.

All right.

All right, well, if you want the air,
you can have it!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
stop, stop, stop, stop!

Is this what you want?

Is it?
Stop it!

Get down off the sofa, Graham.

Give the balloon to Tamsin.

It's her birthday. It belongs to her.

She's neutral.
I thought I was neutral.

Not anymore, you're not.

You went from Switzerland to Nazi
Germany in one fell goose step.

Here.

Be very, very careful with it, Tam-Tam.

You know you wanted to go to Disney?
The proper one, not the froggy one?

Well, imagine this is your ticket in.
Yeah? Your golden ticket.

Don't make promises you can't keep,
Graham. She's been through enough.

Trust me.

Now let's sit down,
have a spot of lunch,

and we'll talk about this like adults.

Must be very rewarding, your job.

Yes, yes, I suppose it is.

When you see
a little boy's face light up

because John Terry's brought him
a signed England shirt,

well, you can't put a price on that.

But you can put a price
on a pop star's last-ever breath?

It's just a guesstimate.

Something to put in the budget,
you know.

Well, what's the best dream
you've ever made come true?

Mmm, I'm often asked that.

I'd have to say, and it sounds silly,
really, but there was a little girl

with, I think, Hodgkin's disease.

I don't get involved
with the illness side.

And her dream was to be a postman.

That's all.
Not give a letter to the Queen,

or meet Postman Pat, just be a postman.

Nigel shunted it my way.

Zero press interest, there,
of course, but...

When we gave her that letter and told
her to put it through the letter box,

the little giggle after it landed,
as if it meant the whole world to her.

Then she dropped down dead,
right there on the doorstep.

Press went mad for it.
So, up yours, Nigel.

That was my favorite one.

Mr. Forbouys said he'll be here
in 20 minutes

with the coroner and ambulance crew.

Okay.

They'll be incognito
so they don't raise any alarm.

Hmm.

Said he wanted to do this with dignity.
Absolutely.

You didn't tell him about...
Oh, no, no, no.

I'll just claim ignorance.

Yeah, probably best.

Was he a good boss?

Who, Mr. Parsons?

Bit of a dick, to be honest.
Yeah.

I mean, he knew how to work it
and all that,

but I don't think he was a happy man.

You should have heard the way he was
bitching about having to come here.

No.
Aye.

"I shouldn't have to be around these
sick kids. They make me depressed."

Oh, how disappointing.

Don't say anything to Jan, will you?
She'll be mortified.

Oh, no, no, no, of course not.

But, you see, that's the trouble
with being famous, isn't it?

Your life's not your own anymore.

Hmm. No, for real.

What the...

Oh.
Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God.

It was just a car backfiring.

I'm not being funny,
but I think we should put

the item upstairs
out of the way somewhere.

This place is gonna be crawling
with quacks in a few minutes.

Anything can happen.
Yeah.

And are the quacks
linked to the pigs or...

I'll put it in the spare room.

Well, as long as it's safe, yeah?
It will be.

Come on, Tam-Tam, give it to Daddy.

Good girl.

Let go, sweetheart.

Daddy needs this, come on.

Good girl.

Let go.

I'm coming with you.

Let's put some music on, Tam.
Cheer you up a bit.

Be about seven or eight minutes.

Cool.

Thanks, man.

You all right, Tam-Tam?

Do her another balloon, Graham,
she misses it.

How can she miss it? It's only a...

What color do you want, darling?
There's white, yellow, purple...

How many more purple ones?
Two.

You know, if we could sell the first one
to a private bidder,

no public auction,
confidentiality clause...

We've got the video evidence.

Just add a bit of Frankie's DNA.

Do it.

Isn't that cheating?

Doesn't matter. A thing is only worth
what someone is willing to pay for it.

Careful, Graham,
you'll do yourself an injury.

Well, go and get the bloody pumper,
then!

I don't know where it is!

Oh...
Just give me that.

Oh...

Oh, God, I'm feeling all light-headed...

Stretch it first.

I'm seeing stars.

Oh...
I found the pumper. It was in the...

Is Frankie better now?

Jan, take Tamsin to the toilet, please.

I don't want to go.
Just do it.

Come on, sweetheart.
No!

Mummy will change your bag for you.

No! I don't want to!

Is he...

He's alive.

Good.

Well, that's fantastic, isn't it?
Yes.

It's a very faint pulse.

Well, we just have to cross our fingers
and hope for the best.

Right.

What is the best?

How long till the ambulance crew
get here?

Five minutes.
Okay.

Okay. I mean, it's still going
to be worth something.

Someone bought Justin Timberlake's
toast crumbs for like, three grand,

I mean, it's not like it's been
a total waste of time.

Pick a hand.
What?

Pick a hand,
we've got to do this quickly!

Do what? What are we talking about here?

Just pick one for fuck's sake.

Huh. It's your job, man.

What, my job?
No, I found the coin, I won!

Coin loses.
Says who?

Just flip it. Heads or tails.

Hang on a minute.
How come this is just a two-man thing?

Do you want the money or not?

Yes!
Well then, call it, then!

She knocked herself out blowing up
a balloon, never mind that!

To be fair, so did he!

Call it. Call it!

No, I'm not prepared
to play God in this way!

That man's a huge star, he brings
pleasure to millions of people!

Not like that, he doesn't.
How do you know?

He had a brain aneurysm.
He's a vegetable.

He'll spend the rest of his life
bed-bound,

eating through a straw
and shitting into a bucket.

What kind of life is that? No offense.

No offense?

That one of the most offensive things
I've ever heard in my life!

Look, I spend my whole life making
other people's dreams come true,

standing by and smiling
while they fly off in a helicopter

with a candy floss in one hand
and a D-lister in the other.

Why can't it be my turn?
What about my needs, my wishes?

The man's alive.

Not for much longer.

Now call it.

No. I can't.

Call it.

Heads!

Heads.

You win. Fuck!

Get me a cushion.

Oh, I can't be here for this.

I can't witness this!

Oh, God.

Here.

Get his DNA on these.

We might be able to do something
with them at a later date.

Right.

I'll go and have a little chat
with Tam-Tam.

Tell her the bad news.

Right. I'm going with Mr. Forbouys.

Pigs'll be onto this within the hour.

So be ready, yeah?
Sit tight, and I'll be in touch.

Nice to meet you.

Well, the press are going to have
a field day with this.

We should have another look
at that camcorder footage, actually.

If we cut it into 30-second segments,

we might be able to sell a chunk
to each of the networks.

I wouldn't bet on it. Our Jan did
most of the filming, remember?

Oh, God, Tamsin!

Tam-Tam?

Tamsin!

Tamsin!

Tamsin, where are you, darling?

Tam-Tam?

Graham, where's Tamsin?
I can't find her.

Eh?

She's there, look.

Tamsin!

Tamsin? What are you doing?

Tamsin, no!

Shit!
Film it, film it, it's all we've got!