All language subtitles for Daily Show 16.07.2026

ANNOUNCER: From
the most trusted

journalists at Comedy Central,
it's America's only source

for news.

This is The Daily Showwith
your host, Michael Kosta.

[theme music]

# #

Baby, let me feel that.

Oh, yeah.

Welcome to The Daily Show.

I'm Michael Kosta.

We've got so much
to talk about tonight.

The news gets a chance
to scare us again.

John Leguizamo takes
on the Supreme Court.

And if you're watching this
on the toilet with diarrhea--

what a great audience.

If you're watching this
on the toilet with diarrhea,

you're not alone.

Hey, let's get
into the Headlines.

[upbeat music]

# #

Hey, America.
How you feeling?

Good?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.

[cheering]

Is your tummy OK?

Well, enjoy it while it lasts.

This is not a happy
morning topic.

Explosive diarrhea afflicting
more than 3,000 people.

REPORTER 1: The parasite
is called cyclospora.

So far, 3,000 cases have
been reported in 32 states.

The symptoms are nasty,
to say the least,

explosive diarrhea,
nausea, vomiting, muscle

aches, debilitating fatigue.

You know, honestly,
it could have just

stopped at explosive diarrhea.

Muscle aches aren't an issue
at that point, you know?

I'm not going to be
sitting on the toilet

shitting my brains out like,
and my biceps are sore.

Seriously, this is
not a helpful list.

These are also all
the symptoms for being over 35.

I had a piece of cake
at my kid's birthday.

I had every single
one of these.

But I will say, butthole
COVID really does sound awful.

It was really bad.

There were moments where
I was literally just

camped out in the bathroom.

And, like, I don't care.

I'm just going
to lay on this floor.

Anyway, you're
going to blur my face

and change my voice
before this airs, right?

I'm not going to be the face
of lying on the floor

pooping to death, right?

I'm just joking.

You know, she's actually
sharing her experience

to raise awareness.

She shouldn't be embarrassed.

It's these
cloud-chasing TikTokers

who should be embarrassed.

I eat healthy, and I end up
getting diarrhea for seven

days straight.

Like, bam, all
day on the toilet.

The cramping,
the stomach pain.

The worst thing about
this was I felt disgusting.

Yeah, that's-- that's
how diarrhea works.

It's disgusting.

It'd be even stranger
if you were like,

I had diarrhea for five days,
and man, did I feel sexy.

By the way, we shouldn't
even be talking about how you

felt when you had diarrhea.

Tiktokkers, can I have a quick
word with you over here?

Hey, Chad, you don't
have to share everything.

You can always ask
yourself, did anyone ask me

if I had explosive diarrhea?

If the answer is no, do what
you couldn't do last week

and hold it in.

Now, you might be
wondering, where

does this parasite come from?

Well, one company is
taking responsibility.

REPORTER 2: Taco Bell saying
they have voluntarily removed

some ingredients
at select locations

as the foodborne
parasite cyclosporiasis

rapidly spreads across the US.

Yeah, well, I guess
we should have known.

They did just come
out with their

new Diarreetos Locos Tacos.

So Taco Bell's been giving
people the parasite.

I'm glad we cleared that up.

Case closed.

REPORTER 2: The company stating
public health officials have

not confirmed a link
to Taco Bell or

any specific ingredient,
supplier, restaurant,

or retailer, adding they will
closely monitor the situation.

Wait, so Taco Bell
didn't cause this?

They just heard explosive
diarrhea, and they were like,

yeah, that's--

must have been us.

We'll take it.

It actually turns out no one
is sure where it's coming from.

And our media isn't helping us
figure it out from using these

terrifying red outbreak maps,
highlighting basically all

the states, high-tech graphics
of the supposed parasite cell,

and when that's not
seem scary enough,

feeling an entire screen
with just four words,

"weeks of severe diarrhea."

I'm so scared
by these graphics,

by the time I get the parasite,
I'll have already shit myself.

By the way, how come every time
there's a pandemic or outbreak,

they show us these close
up headshots of the virus

like it's a wanted poster?

Like I'm going to see
the parasite on the street

and be like, hey, it's
the guy from the news!

Get him!

Please, news, you don't
need to convince us

that explosive diarrhea is bad.

We're on board already.

Just tell us what we can do
to avoid getting this parasite.

We'll do anything.

WOMAN: Wash the lettuce
under running water.

Yeah, I'm out.

I'm not doing that.

I'm not doing that.

You're adding chores
to eating a salad?

Eating a salad is the chore.

I'm not washing lettuce.

I'll give fruit a quick rinse.

Will that help?

WOMAN: I would let
it run over these.

REPORTER 3: How long?

Probably for about
five to six minutes.

Five to six minutes?

It's a kitchen, not
an AI data center.

OK, so fruit's out.

Lettuce is out.

I guess I'll be grocery
shopping at the gas station

until the CDC gets
a handle on cyclospora.

By the way, why
hasn't the CDC gotten

a handle on this cyclospora?

The CDC is also
tackling the outbreak

with fewer staff, because it
had cuts to its funding

last year.

CDC actually scaled back
a decades-long federal state

partnership that monitors
foodborne illnesses, including

those caused by cyclospora.

Hmm, OK.

Let me see if I can track this.

We cut the funding
for the program that

tracks forever
diarrhea, and now people

are getting forever diarrhea.

Let me see if I can
figure this out.

[suspenseful music]

# #

I don't see any connection.

All I saw were these
complicated math equations.

But hold on.

If we're cutting the funding
that prevents Americans

from getting the disease that
turns our guts inside out,

where exactly is our money?

REPORTER 4: An internal
Pentagon estimate

puts the cost
of the war with Iran

at between $80
and $100 billion.

REPORTER 5: That marking
a significant increase

from the roughly $30
billion estimated

just three months ago.

[sighs]

Oh, I see.

Looks like our military
budget also has diarrhea.

Well, America,
I'm sorry to say,

but the money it
takes to blow up Iran

is the reason we're blowing
up our own bathrooms.

It's like how our grandparents
grew their own crops

to support the troops
during World War II,

except our version
of this is power washing

the toilet with our butthole.

So when you hit week three
of hell squirts, remember,

you're doing it for Uncle Sam.

When we come back, John
Leguizamo gives us his opinion.

Don't go away.

Welcome back
to The Daily Show.

We all know I've
got great opinions,

but I'm not the only one.

Studies show that other
people also have opinions.

So here with another
installment of In My Opinion

is our good friend
John Leguizamo.

[upbeat music]

Thank you, thank
you, thank you.

Yo, yo, yo.
What's up?

What's up?

I'm John Leguizamo, theater
legend, civil rights icon, and

breakout star
of The Odysseyand

most importantly, proud
American by way of Colombia.

Gracia, gracia.

Now, I came to Los Estados
Unidos as a very adorable child

and then became a citizen.

But one of the cool
things about this country

is that if you're
born here, no matter

where your parents are from,
you're automatically a citizen.

You're free to do all
the things that Americans

are allowed to do.

[applause]

Like vote, like serve in
Congress, or like a bus on fire

when the Knicks win in five.

[cheering]

Wait, you're not
allowed to do that?

All right, my bad.

Now, not everyone
thinks this birthright

citizenship is a good thing.

But luckily, it's
in the Constitution.

And I was certain
that when it got

challenged recently,
that the Supreme

Court would uphold it 9-0.

The Supreme Court, with
just a narrow majority,

ruled that Donald
Trump's effort

to undo birthright citizenship
was unconstitutional.

The decision was 6-3.

6-3?

6-3?

How was that not unanimous?

This is the kind of thing you
want everybody to be on board

with, like a threesome.

Y'all are dirty.

Or in the case of the Supreme
Court, a nine-some.

OK, I'm sorry I put
that in your heads.

Alito sits in the cock chair.

You know, it's called
birthright citizenship.

Either you're born
here or you're not.

There's no gray area.

It's not like the Duty
Free shop at LaGuardia.

Birthright citizenship has
been in the Constitution

since 14th Amendment in 1868.

It's literally older than
the light bulb, the zipper,

and Mitch McConnell, barely.

But when the ruling came
down, Constitution-loving

conservatives
started freaking out.

It's the legalization
of an invasion of America.

It is an attack
on this country,

its borders, and its people.

Demographic destruction.

It essentially
just handed out

birthright citizenship
to millions

of Chinese birth tourists.

No, wrong.

[imitates buzz]

It didn't just do anything.

It's continuing a right
that already existed.

It's like if they ruled that
Jersey is still a state.

I mean, I'm not happy
about it either,

but there's nothing--
nothing's changed.

Look, it's not like 14th
Amendment is confusing.

It says all persons
born or naturalized

in the United States
and subject to the jurisdiction

thereof are citizens
of the United States.

Forget hooked on phonics.

You could understand
that sentence

if you were hooked on crack.

My God, you don't
need to translate it

into modern language,
like that's some kind

of ancient Greek
text that's getting

an incredible adaptation
in theaters this weekend.

[cheering]

But the point is, America
works on the Olive Garden rule.

When you're here, you're
family, like these breadsticks.

Garlicky.

Now, the Trump
administration says

that we're not talking about
all children of immigrants.

We're only saying
birthright citizenship

doesn't apply
to children of people

here illegally or temporarily.

But how far back do
you want to take that?

Because at some point,
every white person

was here illegally.

So Trump's case got
shot down for now.

But it's pretty clear
that his people plan

to make another run at this.

And to sway public
opinion, they're conjuring

up some pretty wild scenarios.

The idea that you could
have a cruise ship filled

with foreigners and they just
dock at a port for an hour

and someone has
a baby, Jesse, the baby

is an American citizen.

What?

Having a baby in an hour?

Forget birthright citizenship.

I don't think you
understand how birth works.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

It's not a cruise excursion.

You can't just pop
into port and squeeze out

a baby while getting cornrows.

And their fear mongering
over birthright citizenship

isn't just about taking
white people's jobs

or exposing them
to food that has flavor.

They're also claiming it's
about national security.

So this is a huge
national security threat.

And birthright citizenship,
it's not random.

It's organized.

Chinese birth tourists come
to America, have their kid

in America, on American
soil, have no allegiance

to the United States.

They could
populate Detroit, or

they could populate
a swing state

and swing an election with just
a few hundred thousand votes.

Yeah.

Swing this.

[cheering]

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.

[applause]

If you're concerned
about democracy,

don't worry about 100,000
Chinese kids swinging

an election in 20 years.

Worry about the one
trillionaire with 100,000

kids doing that right now.

[cheering]

And this-- this isn't
even a cost-effective

way to steal an election.

Do you know how much
kids cost today?

The Chinese government's
got to be like,

we just wanted
to take over America,

and now we're on the hook for
100,000 private piano lessons?

That's not even
the craziest theory they're

putting out there either.

We have people from
all over the world,

from third-world nations,
nations that on their own would

have never invented
the wheel, let

alone modern technology,
let alone medicine,

let alone air travel.

And they can just
come into the country,

have a baby at a hospital,
paid for by you and me,

and then that baby is
automatically a citizen.

That baby can sit
on a jury when he turns 18

and sit in judgment of you,
and sit in judgment of me,

and sit in judgment
of our loved ones.

OK.

OK.

First of all, I do like
knowing that Stephen Miller

worries he might actually
be put on trial someday.

[cheering]

Oh.

Oh, I can't wait to Nuremberg
that mother [bleep].

But also, a baby who sits
on a jury when he turns 18

is not a baby anymore, OK?

Although, that could be pretty
cute. [IN BABY VOICE] We,

the jury, find you "adowable."

We sentence you
to the "ewectwic" chair.

[laughter]

My god, these
conservatives are just

making up the most ridiculous
anti-American plots.

The Chinese could
take over Detroit.

The Mexicans could all
come in a cruise ship.

The Greeks could send a giant
wooden horse as a gift

and then leap out at night.

I'm telling you, you
got to see this on IMAX.

It's incredible.

[cheering]

The point is, these people
call themselves conservatives,

but they're actually
kind of radical.

They want to change the way
we've understood citizenship

for nearly 200 years.

So we're now wasting the
Supreme Court's valuable time

on birthright
citizenship, when they

could be doing better
things, like going

on a billionaire-funded
golf junket.

The tragedy of this
is that we're

rehashing questions that
were already answered,

looking backwards when
we should be looking

forwards, because we have
more important questions

to answer today.

Like, how do we speed up
the naturalization process?

How do we help people
seeking asylum?

And most importantly, how do we
get tickets to see The Odyssey,

opening this Friday
in a theater near you?

[cheering]

But hey, that's
just my opinion.

[upbeat music]

John Leguizamo, everybody.

When we come back,
Molly Shannon

will be joining the show.
Don't go away.

[cheering]

Welcome back
to The Daily Show.

My guest tonight
is a comedy legend,

an Emmy-nominated
actor who stars

in the new Netflix
series, The Hawk.

There is nothing
in God's bag of miracles

that could get you
out of the Korn Ferry

back up to the PGA TOUR.

But hey, if pigs start flying--

Hold on.

I wasn't done.

If you do make it back
up to the PGA TOUR,

I will cut your dick off.

I will marinate it
in garlic and olive oil.

Then I will slice
it down the middle

and I will grill it 'til
it's nice and crispy.

And then I will gently place it
in a warm brioche hot dog bun.

And I will smother it
in onions and brown mustard.

And then I will feed it
to a cage of hungry rats!

Now I'm done.

Please welcome Molly Shannon.

[cheering]

[upbeat music]

# #

Come on.

Come on.

The audience is so nice.

I will cut your dick in two--

Oh my--

- -on a brioche bun?

Oh my god.

Word for word, that's
what they wrote for me.

'Cause people ask
me if I improvise.

And I was like, nope.
MICHAEL KOSTA: Not that one.

Will Ferrell and his
team of writers, that

is exactly what they wrote.

And it was fun to perform.

Yeah.

Also, what an honor for them
to write those words, knowing

you're going to be excited
to say those words.

I know.

Exactly.

The Hawk,you know, you
play a very mean wife.

I've only known
you for 35 seconds,

but you seem-- and you
have a reputation

of being a nice person.

How were you able
to play mean so well?

Do you hate Will that much?

I know.

That's so funny.

Well, when Will
asked me to do it--

I was on the phone.

And he goes, Molly, can you
play my wife in this TV show?

And you have to yell at me.

And I said, yes, of course,
because it's Will Ferrell.

Like, of course.

You just say yes.

You don't look at a script.

You say yes.

But in all honesty,
I was like, really?

You think I'm right for that?

And it requires
real acting ability,

because Will and I are
so close in real life

that-- we are thick as thieves.

We've been friends
for 30 years.

We're such good buddies.

And so it's-- it's hard.

What's the key to you guys
being good teammates together?

Because I mean, I remember
watching you together in SNL.

And this whole series--

is it that you
support each other?

How do you do that?

Exactly, very-- we
really support one another.

We knew one another years ago,
when we were first starting out

in comedy, doing,
you know, little gigs

at comedy clubs, sketches.

And yeah, he came
into my restaurant.

I waited on him.

We met through a mutual friend.

So we--

MICHAEL KOSTA: You were working
as a-- at a coffee shop?

I worked at a coffee shop.

And was Will
a famous actor yet?

No, he was just doing
the Groundlings comedy school.

And I worked across the street
at Melrose Baking Company.

And a friend said, I
really think you're

gonna like this guy, Will.

And I go, yeah, bring him
over to my restaurant.

And he came in.
And--

It's funny.

When I go to coffee
shops in LA, I think,

look at all these losers.

But really, I should
be saying, these

could be the next Molly
Shannon and Will Ferrells

- hanging out here.
- Oh, yeah.

That's so funny.

You write about a lot
in your book, which--

man, I love your memoir.

You're so open and honest.

There's so many funny stories.

So many of your characters
have this physical toughness

attribute, even that clip.

You're going like this.

I love Mary
Katherine Gallagher.

I mean, she's constantly--

[cheering]

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

It's hard-- it's
hard not to just

do Superstar when I see you.

Oh, good.

I love that.

Do you approach,
a character, wanting to use

your body in a physical way?

Is that the smartest question
you've ever heard from anybody?

I love that.

Do I approach it
wanting to use my body?

No, I don't really
think about that.

But I do think that
after our-- you know,

my mom died when I was little.

We were in a car accident.

And I think I had a
recklessness when I did comedy,

where I just didn't care.

I would be so wild when I
did Mary Katherine Gallagher.

I did it in my stage show, and
I would definitely hurt myself.

My legs would bleed.

I would-- in the stage show,
I would climb the rafters,

I would do crazy improvs,
and I felt nothing.

And then I would wake
up in the morning.

I'm like, oh my god.

I'm, like, bruised and cut.

And I kind treat
it like punk rock.

But I had
a recklessness because I

think went through
trauma when I was little,

so I just didn't care.

I thought of it like, just--

I just didn't care.

But I would say--
and Sally O'Malley is

kind of me imitating my dad.

It's like a character who looks
kind of like she's limping,

she's weak, but then
she can kick.

Yeah, I mean--

Kick!

You know, it's
like, she has power.

So it was basically--
thank you.

Thank you.

Are we still able to act
with that physicality?

I mean, look, my back
hurts-- sitting here

for 30 minutes my back hurts.

That's so funny.

Are you still able
to superstar it and--

Yes, I can still do it.

But I was going to say, so that
character is basically--

because my dad had a brace on
his leg after our car accident,

it's kind of like I'm
doing an impression

of when I was little,
my dad couldn't walk fast.

I couldn't jump on his lap
because he was injured.

So I think it's like--
it's supposed to be

kind of like, I may look weak.

I look like I'm limping.

But it was like
my wish for him to kick

the braces off his legs.

Like, be strong, like
I can [bleep] you all,

you know what I mean?

Kind of like he's
a powerhouse--

sorry to swear.

Even tying this trauma
from your childhood

into a character
years later at SNL,

it's like when we watch you,
it has a therapeutic release.

I don't know if it's for you.

It is for us.

But they're
so grounded in reality.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you, thank you.

Is that the second
most important question--

I love it.
I love it.

But I was going to say,
to answer your question,

like when I went
back for the 50th,

I thought they might
want me to do Sally

O'Malley because she's 50.

It's the 50th.

And I was like, oh God,
can I still do this?

And so I definitely exercise
and stretch and swim,

and I want to make sure I can
still do that because it's not,

you know-- yeah, it
takes physical ability.

I'm from Michigan.
You're from Ohio.

I'm from Ohio, yes.

Midwest-- I'm always
rooting for all Midwest people

to make it in show business.

Oh my god, I love
it, yeah, yeah.

The hardest I ever
saw my father laugh--

OK, I know that two times.

And I'll share with
you the two times.

And you have not asked,
but I'll be happy to share.

The second hardest
he ever laughed

was when we were watching
A Fish Called Wandatogether,

and he fell off
the couch laughing.

The hardest I
ever saw him laugh

was when you did Jeannie
Darcy, the stand-up comic

in the old persons' home who
has this confidence, even

though she's not really
good at stand up comedy,

and people are literally
dying around her.

Dying, dying.

[laughter]

I just want to share
with you how much joy

that my father's
no longer with us,

but I think of him
laughing like that.

And isn't that cool?

I to talk to you.

You're Jeannie Darcy.
I love that.

Yes, yes.

That's a great memory.

I love that your dad--

that's really cool that
he loved that because that

was kind of toward
the end of my run on SNL,

and I was so tired of getting
laughs all the time.

I was like-- it's hard.

- Let's bomb on purpose.
- It's hard.

Comedy is hard.

I think Conan said it once.

He's like, do you
know how exhausting

it is to constantly be thinking
of comedy bits or to be funny.

I'm actually a little
more serious in real life,

but that character
was a reaction

to I want to do a character
that's like a terrible comic.

She does not get laughs.

I did it almost as a creative
exercise, like a bad stand

up who's really awkward
and should not be

in the field of show business.

But she keeps trying.

And so it was
based on that, and

I really just did it
to make Will Ferrell and

Jimmy Fallon laugh.

And so Scott Wainio wrote that
sketch in the old age home,

where people are dying,
and she doesn't even care.

She keeps doing her act.

I mean, as a stand up comic
myself, I've done hard shows

and I think, well, it can't
be as bad as Jeannie Darcy.

I mean, that's--
[laughter]

Let me ask you a question.
Do you feel--

You're not allowed to ask
me a question, are you?

Do you feel, Michael, like
comedy and joking is a way to--

do you look at it as, like,
wanting to bring people closer

or to push people away?

Well, I think, for me--

I mean, if we're going to do
this shit, let's get into it--

I'm the youngest of 4, and I
truly think, even at this age,

I'm just trying to get my
parents to pay attention to me.

Aw, is that right?

- I mean, I think--
- Both of them?

Yeah, both of them.

And I think it
was a busy house.

A lot was going on.

You felt loved, but there's
just a lot going on, Molly.

Yeah, four kids-- sure.

And I remember, like,
the very first time

I ever got a laugh, I was
like, oh, this is good.

They're actually looking
at me and want me to talk.

Aw-- but comedy takes
on a therapeutic element.

What was your first
joke, though,

where you got them
to laugh or what-- when

you were a little kid, like--

The first joke or the first
joke that got them to laugh?

The first time--

the first time you made
them laugh and realized

like, ooh, that's good?

On stage or in my family?

In your family

Yeah, my brother and I used
to do Michael Jackson moonwalk

impersonations, and I
remember seeing them

be excited and laugh with us.

So that was fun.

So cute.

But enough about me.

No, I think we love that.

That's sweet.

Do you feel the Midwest
shaped you at all--

Yes.

- -where you were at?

Tell me how because I
love sharing-- if there's

anyone from the Midwest
listening, I want them to know,

like, you can still
make it in show biz.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of funny people
that come from the Midwest,

and we grew up
in a double house.

We split paper
towels in half, and

my dad would have us
sneak into the pool

so we didn't have to pay.

He would say, say
you're under 13.

And we would-- and then
we'd go to Geauga Lake,

and he would want us to hop the
fence so we didn't have to pay.

And so it was like--
you know, and snowing.

And I just feel
like Midwestern--

I feel like there's
good values from Ohio.

And I try to bring
those-- and Michigan.

And I try to bring that
politeness to show business.

I think I treat
Lorne Michaels--

he probably thinks of me
as a very Midwestern girl.

I'm polite, you know,
and grateful, I would say.

Yeah, and you
just-- even just from

watching you interact,
you treat everybody

with a level of respect.

To me, that seems Midwest.

Yes, yes.

And I think when people get
really miserable in show

business, where
they're snapping

or being nasty to people, I
get like, they must be unhappy.

Like, you know-- yeah, I
don't want to be like that.

I come from knowing
the value of--

I started out working
in restaurants.

I bussed tables.

And my dad, I remember,
picked me up after my,

you know, restaurant job.

And I was like, it's so tiring.

You have to buss these tables.

And he was like, that's
how you make a $1.

And it's important
for you to understand

that that hard work
is that's, you know,

what it takes to make 14.

He was tough, you know.

You were grinding--
you referenced

this in the book a lot,
which I was so thankful of.

You were grinding out,
getting people to show

up to your one woman show.

And I was like, that's
how a Midwesterner works.

Yes, exactly.

I love that.

And also, I think
it was important to--

I was like, you know, it
doesn't matter what happens.

I'm doing what I love.

I'm doing my show.

This is very meaningful.

I was working in restaurants,
but I'm passionate,

and I get to do that.

And I was really
into creative visualization.

I would write stuff
in the present

as if it already existed.

Like, I'm on Saturday
Night Live.

I'm making millions
of people laugh.

I wrote it in a book.

I have a book that
I wrote all that.

And I would buy people
tickets who couldn't afford it

because I truly
believed that the money

would come back to me.

So I was very into like
a spiritual practice

with my comedy.

Yes, isn't that interesting?

And I also love
in the book you then say,

and then, after
a while, I realized

this wasn't paying off.

So I said [bleep] this,
and I took a year off.

And then you got on SNL.

Yes, yes.

I used to write
in my tennis notebook, "I will

respond well to pressure."

I like that.
You did?

I will--

But then I would double
fault on match point,

so it was kind
of like, oh my god--

You experienced such
a tragedy at a young age.

You were age four.

You lost your mom,
your sister, and your cousin

in a car accident.

Yes.

But--

Thank you.

- -you are positive
ray of light.

It feels like
a lover of your life.

How did you do that?

That is so hard.

It was very hard.

How did you choose--

because people
experience tragedy

and maybe don't do that.

Yeah, I think it was
like-- it gives me, like--

I was very sad.

I only had my mom
for four years.

But it gives you a gift
of life and appreciation

of like, oh, I'm so glad I at
least had her for four years.

And it gives you a kind
of resilience where you can--

I could handle the punches
in show business

because I was like, nothing
will ever be as hard as that.

Like, it was just
like such a loss.

And it informs how
I am as a parent.

Like, I can't believe
I'm alive in my house,

and I lived far beyond
the years of my mother.

And I just think, like, I think
of life really like this is it,

like you're batting up.

It's like a kind of urgency
for life and time with people

and your time is your life.

So it gives you this,
like, almost gratefulness.

Does that make sense?

And I was very close to my dad.

And so--

The stories of your dad
and your book are tremendous.

Thank you.

What an awesome guy who
supported you in so many ways.

And I just--

I am so thankful
of your memoir because you

were open and vulnerable.

And thank you for writing that.

Thank you, thank you.

A few more things--
you've really

been generous with your time.

Good, good.

Your daughter just
graduated from Tisch.

Yes.

She wants to be
an actress or--

Yes.

OK, isn't that amazing?

[cheering]

Does she have to do the same
things that you did to make it?

Has it changed all these years?

What advice have you given her?

And does she even listen
to you because you're mom.

I was-- and I
want to say, too,

my son Nolan is in college,
and he's an amazing surfer.

I like talking about--
bragging about both my kids.

But also, you post these
awesome videos of him surfing.

It's so cool.

Yeah, he's so good.

Stella-- I just asked her.

I talked to her on the phone
right before I came on,

and I go, can you think
of advice I give you?

And she said yes
because it is harder

now because they have to put
the actors on self-tape.

They self-tape, so they can
cast a much wider net, seeing

so many more people
than when I was

breaking into show biz, where
we had to go in in-person.

So she said that I
tell her that, look,

if you know how
to write, if you're

an actress who
knows how to write,

write because you
have more power.

And then the second
thing I say is just keep

putting yourself out there.

Try not to take it personally
because you never know what

they're going to look for.

So just be yourself.

Don't feel like you have
to try to be what they want.

Be yourself.

Do a good job,
you know, do what

you think will be
right for the part,

and then let it go
because you just don't know.

It could be nothing personal.

How do you teach these
kids toughness and grit?

I got a six
and a three-year-old.

I want to be rich.

I want to fly first class.

I want to have a ski house.

But if I do all that,
they're going to be soft.

Oh my gosh, yeah.

You had this
childhood where there's

something very
difficult happened

that maybe influenced you
and gave you some grit,

but how do you give a kid grit?

I know.

That is so interesting.

I mean, it's all I
could think about is

what my dad would tell me.

So I think he-- he
definitely-- you know,

I came out to LA
on with my own money

that I made from waitressing,
and I rented a rack,

and I just rented
a cheap apartment.

And so I really had
to, like, go broke and

really live on very little.

So that was a good lesson
because it was like,

you know, so I think that
was good that he really

made me learn about
money on my own,

just kind of threw
me out there.

- But of course--
- Figure it out.

- -if I really did need
money, he would help me.

But he really did--

I did try on my own
with the money.

I was always bouncing
checks, and I didn't

know that much about that.

And I remember
going to the bank,

and I would ask
what my balance was.

I was like, what is my balance
in my checking account?

And I would be like,
can you say it softly

because it was always,
like, negative, you know,

bouncing checks and yeah.

I used to always pull the ATM
receipts in LA out of the bank

trash can because you'd see
these guys getting, like,

this expensive car, and then
you would see they have,

like, $14
in the bank, you know.

So everyone is-- a lot
of people were lying about how

much money they were making.

But one thing I
was going to say,

too, I got a star
on the Hollywood Walk of

Fame recently.

And I did-- thank you.

I think we have--

I think we have
a picture of that.

- You did superstar on the--
- Oh, yeah.

You did, yeah.

I think I might post
this speech on my Instagram

because I spoke
about all the jobs

that I had way before
I ever got SNL or

started getting acting jobs.

I worked in so many
restaurants and

dating services and hostess.

- And I tell this a lot--
- Gym memberships.

Gym memberships--

You were selling
gym memberships.

I just-- so if I act normal,
it's because I'm always

still driving by looking
at, like, help wanted signs.

It feels like it was
just around the corner.

I'm not kidding.

So I think that I like
to share to college kids

of, like, you
don't have to have

it all figured out right away.

It's really hard.

It takes time.

It's little baby steps
and these little jobs.

It just can take so much time.

And if you want to pursue
your passion on the side,

that's great.

So I did that for years
and years and years.

I did not-- I really struggled.

And so I do share that
with college kids,

and they appreciate it.

And I'm going to put that
on my Instagram because I

talk about every job I had.

And it's a lot of jobs
in restaurants.

Also, college
kids, oftentimes,

at the commencement, they
hear from a successful person,

and it feels like it went from
commencement to success instead

of like the 28 years
of bouncing checks and

working at Cravings
and selling blueberry muffins

or whatever you were doing.

Exactly.

Yeah, exactly.

The Hawkis fantastic.

- You're so great in it.
- Thank you.

It's a great show.

Yeah, it is a great show.

I think you're just
so funny and so wonderful.

Thank you for spending
time with us

today and talking with me.

The Hawkpremieres
July 16 on Netflix.

Molly Shannon,
it's a quick break.

We'll be right back after this.

Thank you, Molly.

[music playing]

That's our show for tonight.

Now here it is,
your moment of zen.

77-year-old South
Florida woman's new

license plate is the talk
of her retirement home.

The woman says she
went, quote, "ballistic"

when she opened her mail
and saw the plate with SQZ-A55.

Now, if you-- if you
look at that--

I'm just gonna say it out loud
to spell it out for the rest

of you-- squeeze ass.

That's what it seems to say.

MAN: Ooh, sorry.