Original subtitles

For most people, life is all about family,

but as an undercover cop, my life is all about a family of Armenian gangsters

who might kill me at any moment.

Shh.

Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.

They want me to do a heist.

Seriously?

Yeah, there's a guy arriving at the docks with some jewels,

and they want me to take them off him. Right.

Not exactly Ocean's Eleven, is it?

Point is, they want me to do it - unsupervised, flying solo,

tout seul. How cool is that?

Yeah, you're really not getting this undercover thing, are you?

You're meant to be gathering evidence on their criminal activities,

otherwise you're just a policeman committing a crime.

It's no use to anyone.

But if I don't get the jewels,

mmm, how am I going to go to the wedding?

Wedding?

Parnak Margarian's daughter - the jewels are Ara's gift to her.

See? Not just a pretty face, am I?

Oh, this is good.

Half of Europe could be flying in for this wedding.

Is the big boss going? Big, big boss?

Urik? Yes.

No. Oh.

Just tell me what happened, wedding boy.

Well, the Sarkissian brothers had one of their sit-downs.

It didn't take long before it turned ugly.

You know what this means to my crew.

And you know what this means to my crew.

I will only say this one more time.

I will get the 12-piece dinner set with matching wine glasses.

Sorry, what? Never!

This is about a 12-piece dinner set?

With matching wine glasses! Wine glasses.

From the john Lewis gift list, Chris.

For Arpi's wedding. Arpi?

Daughter of Parnak, head of the Margarian family,

and whatever my pig-headed brother says, I want to buy her

the 12-piece dinner set and matching wine glasses.

And so do I.

Look, I'm sure we can find some common ground.

Why don't we drink from the wine glass of compromise

and eat from the dinner plate of cooperation?

How about you nibble on a mouthful of shutting the fuck up?

Sorry, I don't think we've been officially introduced.

Chris, Christophe. Christophe, meet Chris.

Oh, what the hell are you doing?

Yes, Chris, what are you doing?

You gave me the nod! The greeting nod,

there was definitely a nod. The nod was for handshake, not for kissing.

But men are always kissing me - men in the family, hairy men.

You're making this worse, Chris.

Is there a beautiful lady in our midst? Yes, there is.

There he goes again, asking himself the questions.

Could she be a glamorous movie star from Hollywood? Yes, she could.

Very funny, Uncle Arno.

Could she help out our crew some time? Yes, she could.

Hands off, Lara is an important woman who commands respect from us all.

Thank you, Uncle.

Now, will you please clear away the dishes?

We will see you at the wedding,

and if I find out you've bought the 12-piece dinner set

with wine glasses, will all hell break loose?

Yes, it will.

I don't have time for any more of this, Arno.

Today, we welcome back from the motherland, Stepan,

son of our dear departed brother, Rafi.

Hang on, you get rid of our halfwit third cousin

and bring in Lara's imbecile of a brother?

Are you trying to win the prize

for world's dumbest crew?

I think that would be a split decision this year, Uncle.

But Ara didn't give a toss about the 12-piece dinner set.

Everything he told Arno was bullshit.

Everything I told Arno was bullshit. It's like they say back home,

"When the fox cannot reach the grape, he calls it unripe."

Do foxes eat grapes? I suppose they eat anything. Let's face it,

if you hang around bins, you're not fussy, are you?

What if I told you I have other plans? Have you ever heard them

having sex? It's like they're being attacked. Horrific.

Enough with the fox sex, Chris. I have a secret job for you.

Tomorrow, a man will come to the docks.

He will have with him a consignment of diamonds

and your job is to liberate these stones from him.

And that's your real wedding gift to Arpi?

Just the one - the Star of Yerevan,

a diamond of exceptional clarity.

And we keep the rest? You catch on fast.

That's why I need you, Chris - a hardman.

Yeah, that's me - trustworthy, hard, man.

Don't want to take Garabed, though, or Step-an, your nephew,

as a sort of welcome home present to him?

No, he's a complete simpleton.

All right, bitches?

That'll be him now. Remember, don't use any long words.

Hello, Uncle Ara, or should I say...

That means goodbye, Auntie Ara.

Come here, you Lovely, stupid bastard.

Step-an, Chris.

Chris, eh?

Should be easy to remember. Chris rhymes with piss.

From now on, I'll think of you every time I go for a piss.

Step-an, go and get settled in. Me and Chris need to talk.

Fair enough. Need the bog, anyway.

I'm desperate for a Chris.

Psych.

Now, do you understand? You're my go-to guy, Chris.

I can rely on you to do this alone, yes?

Yes, you can rely on me.

Good. Once you have the diamonds, go to see my jeweller Natan.

You met him last week, remember? He gave you a hug.

Can you give me a bit more to go on? I've hugged a lot of men recently.

Wears a lot of gold. Bit more.

Hairy. Bit more.

Late 60s, glasses.

Oh, Natan. His hugs are firm but still affectionate and...

We're getting off the point, Chris.

He's expecting you tomorrow at 3pm.

Here's the address.

Right, got you.

I'll memorise it, then swallow it.

Don't let me down, Chris.

I would never let you down, Ara, never.

Forgotten the postcode.

Good, Chris. Get the diamonds and we get in with Parnak.

But police officers can't carry out robberies -

you'll have to take Stepan.

No chance. Ara told me to keep Stepan out of trouble.

Oh, right, fair enough.

After all, the most important part of your job is to

keep the criminals out of trouble and commit crimes on their behalf. Jesus!

As your superior, I am telling you to take Stepan on the job.

Now what are you going to do?

Take Stepan on the job.

That's better.

Are you expecting a call?

Oh, it's just my boyf. You've got a boyf?

I didn't know you had a boyf.

No need to sound so surprised.

No, no, it's just you seem so, what's the word?

Single.

I'll have you know I'm actually quite a catch.

I'm tidy, I'm punctual

and on three occasions I've been described as quite good fun, so...

Hmm, lucky, lucky boyf.

I quite like it.

I might start going for a Chris, too.

Yeah.

Step-an, I need your help.

Ara wants me to steal some jewels but I can't do it on my own.

Chillies...

Yeah, so I can get you a pit bull, no problem.

Have it on me, as a welcome home present.

What?

So, do you think you can help with the jewels?

It'd be our secret, just me and you.

You mustn't tell Ara.

Right, yeah, I understand, our little secret.

So about this job. Coleslaw...

I think he said that the pit bull's name was...

Corkscrew.

A pit bull called Corkscrew.

Oh, man, that is a wicked name.

Why do you keep talking about this dog? Cos I don't want Garabed to

know about you helping me with the jewels job.

Right, yeah, I got you, yeah. Nice one, our little secret.

- So when do I get him? Who? - The dog, stupid.

There is no...

Next week, probably.

Yeah. Wicked, man.

I told you that bastard brother of mine was up to something.

Now, here's what I want you to do.

Yeah, OK.

All right.

What time is it? Oh, sorry, baby, I've got to go.

Oh, don't be upset, little lady.

Maybe we can hook up later, do that thing we've been talking about.

You mean, you were talking about.

Let yourself out. No rush, though,

and hey, if you want to put the bins out,

you'd receive no objections from me.

Wanker.

I don't see what the big deal is.

They've got no eyeholes in.

They're just hats, and I'm allergic to Lamb's wool.

Give me that.

Pathetic.

Shit, that's him. Come on. We haven't got any time.

Let's go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go. Go.

Nice and easy. You're going to give me the...

Bloody Lamb's wool.

Please, don't hurt me.

Relax, I'm not going to hurt you.

I'm afraid I am going to have to take the diamonds.

I don't want to have to set the psychopath on you.

Over here.

Yeah, a little to your right.

Keep coming. just bear with us, he hasn't got any eyeholes.

This way, follow my voice. This way, yeah, that's it.

Yeah, follow your hands. Put your gun down just for a sec.

OK, I've got you.

Just going to cut him some eyeholes and then we'll be right with you.

So, you're leaving me with nothing.

I wouldn't say that. Just want to give you one of these.

OK?

And again, I am really so very sorry.

Remember, you're a secret from Ara.

Keep it down when I'm on the phone, yeah? Yeah, yeah, bro. Yeah.

Ara, it's me. Red fox has landed.

Yep, all on my own, all of the stones.

Diamonds. Oh, for...

That was the radio.

Yep, right, Natan. Straight away.

Bye. Bye.

Right, come on, stones.

Ah, I've got to take this.

Yeah, that one of your bitches, is it? Yeah?

Yeah. All right, bitch?

If anything, Christopher, I would say that you are my bitch.*

I need to see you immediately. We've got some Intel on the Margarian family wedding.

Meet me at the usual place in 20 minutes.

But, but I... Oh...

Mmm...

I've got to go. Can you deal with fencing the stones?

Course, mate. Leave it to me, fencing the old stones.

I will fence the shit out of them stones.

I'll fence them to within an inch of their lives.

You don't know what fencing means, do you? No, not a clue.

I told you, the big one needed a polish

and he needed to check the other ones out

to give Ara a price. So he's still got them.

Yep.

I really like that Natan.

Yeah, he's one of us. Know what I mean? One of the lads.

Not like some of these old farts what Ara hangs around with.

One of... one of the lads? He's pushing 70.

Don't be stupid, he's our age.

We are talking about the same Natan? Grey hair, bifocal glasses?

So you're the famous Stepan, just back from Armenia.

Bet you were treated like a king out there.

Totally, they let me clean the restaurant toilets every week.

So, the stones?

The Star of Yerevan definitely needs a polish before it goes anywhere,

and I have to have a good look at these others before I can give Ara a price.

Leave them with me. Pop back tomorrow.

You're the jewellery expert.

Yes, I am. Complete and utter jewellery expert.

This Natan don't wear glasses. This Natan's got lovely hairs.

Thick, jet black, like a beautiful panther.

Jesus, Step-an,

I don't know who the shitting hell that is but it's not Natan.

We've been ripped off.

Shit! Oh, shit!

Arno, next time I see you, I will have something in my pocket

and I will be pleased to see you.

No, I haven't got an erection, I've got the jewels.

Took them right out the hands of those ignorant bastards.

I don't see why you're so angry with me,

Stepan was the one who handed over the jewels.

No, it's not your fault at all, is it?

Must have been some other DI Zoe Keller

who ordered me to take Stepan on the job.

It must have been another DI Zoe Keller who dragged me away

just as I was about to sell the jewels.

Oh, how many times? We needed to go through

the Intel on the Margarian wedding.

All you had was the menu.

It was just a list of different stews!

I thought it was code for something. You're getting emotional again.

Yes, I am. I'm getting very emotional.

I'm emotional because my police handler

couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery

and she's already got one dead policeman on her CV.

Don't you dare bring Henderson into this.

Maybe Lara can help.

Lara? Oh, right, what's Lara going to do?

Put on a tight dress

and make suggestive remarks to the jewels over a cheap glass of wine?

Not a Lara fan, are we? Sorry? Interesting.

What? Nothing.

You've got to get that diamond back, Chris.

You're nothing at that wedding unless Ara gives the right gift.

It'll get you to the top table, where according to the menus,

you'll be given a choice between lamb and okra stew,

lamb and green bean stew, and egg stew.

Well, egg stew's not going to agree with me for a start!

If I have too much protein in one day, I...

just get the diamonds back, Chris, by any means necessary.

Just beggars belief, that level of stupidity.

What a complete and utter tit.

Bloody Step-an.

I was talking about you.

What were you thinking?

Taking Stepan to a robbery is like taking a courgette to a knife fight.

Ara's going to kill me if I don't find those diamonds.

And Stepan was ripped off at Natan's place. Interesting.

What would you say if I told you

there was a way I could help you get the stones back?

I'd say "Yes, please," in a very excited voice. Can you?

I'd be forever in your debt.

Forever? Well, then, you've got yourself a deal.

I was getting bored of Christophe anyway.

Christophe? What's he got to do with it?

Well, unless I'm very much mistaken, he's the one who ripped off Stepan.

How do you know that? Like I always say, keep your friends close

and occasionally have sex with your enemies.

It's over now, though.

He has some very funny ideas in the bedroom.

Funny ha-ha or funny peculiar?

Funny peculiar. Who has funny ha-ha ideas in the bedroom?

Clowns, maybe.

We'll pay him a visit this afternoon.

You don't mean... kill him, do you?

No, I actually mean just pay him a visit.

Oh, great. It's so hard to tell with you guys.

"Pay him a visit" can mean anything from blow-torching his face off

to taking him a bowl of stew.

Don't be ridiculous, I would never take Christophe stew.

First rule of burglary - check everywhere.

Didn't know there was a manual.

What's the second rule of burglary, defecate in the cutlery drawer?

This is really great hummus.

I could kiss you.

Jesus, he's back. What do we do?

Follow me.

Hang on.

It was only really on one finger.

Hello, gorgeous.

Uh-uh-uh, all in good time.

I've been thinking about us,

about that thing we talked about.

Really?

You're going to bring the pain, aren't you?

You've got no idea.

So, what made you change your mind?

No talking.

Oh, shit.

What was that?

I said, no talking.

Thought I heard something.

Don't tell me you've finally sorted that threesome I've been after.

No, it's just you and me'

You might as well come out.

Not quite the sort of threesome I had in mind.

Well, well, look who's been trapped in the closet.

Yeah, and now I'm out of the closet.

Not like that.

Why are you wearing my hat and scarf?

Disguise. Bet you thought you were pretty clever, didn't you?

Taking the jewels from Stepan.

Clever doesn't come into it

when you're dealing with someone with the IQ of a wheelie bin.

Well, I've got the jewels back now, so screw you.

Come on, Let's get out of here.

Is that it?

He made a fool of you. He's tied up.

You've got him where you want him.

Good point.

I'll be right back.

This is actually quite pleasant.

Don't say that. You're not supposed to say that.

OK, open the window.

And there it is!

In about half an hour's time, you're going

to have all sorts of bees and wasps and flies landing all on you.

That's your best move? Pathetic.

You've missed a bit.

Stop not being scared.

It was all just so exciting.

I felt like we were in a film, a weird film.

A bit with subtitles, but still a film.

You really got me out of jail, you know?

Just know that one day, I might need your help, Chris.

You're on my list, now.

You can be quite the chameleon, can't you? What, me?

No, I'm just exactly what I seem.

Work for Ara, hide in cupboards, that kind of thing.

I wouldn't know a chameleon if I saw one.

Although, I wouldn't see it, would I? That's the point, they...

Come on, Chris.

I know there's more to you than meets the eye.

Much more.

Yes!

Suck on the big diamond'

Yes, now, we send it to Arno,

show him who the big winner is.

You have done brilliantly, Chris.

I give you thanks, respect.

And stubble rash. What?

Nothing. So, piece of cake, really.

No-one in Arno's mob in sight,

I pulled the whole thing off on my own like some kind of lone wolf.

A lovely wolf you are, too.

Why didn't you sell the other stones like the boss told you to?

What?

Why didn't you sell the other stones to Natan?

Have you done something to your hair, Garabed?

Why not?

Yes, Chris, why not?

It's a good question. It's a very good question

and one that has a complex answer

that I think you'll both be very interested in,

very interested in,

very, very interested in,

and that answer is

that he wasn't in.

You're telling me Natan the jeweller wasn't in?

That's what you're telling me?

Yes.

Then Let's go and see him.

See him?

Now.

You OK, wolf-man?

Yeah, OK.

I cannot believe that the bastards tied you up.

Two days I was trapped up there.

I had to drink the water from the radiator.

What kind of sick bastards...? Who was it, Natan?

The important thing is Natan's OK, right?

Now's not the time for recriminations. We don't need to know who did it.

We need to know who did it, Natan.

He knocked me out. I didn't see his face.

So that's that, then. Case closed. Stay.

I will not rest till we find out who did this, Natan.

Hang on, what was I thinking?

We can check the CCTV.

Yes! Yes!

If Ara saw Step-an on the CCTV, he'd know you disobeyed him.

What happened?

Do we really need to do this, guys?

The important thing is Natan's fine.

It might be traumatising for him to relive the robbery

and no-one wants to traumatise a jeweller, right, guys?

Quiet, quiet, Chris.

This CCTV system is so good, and it was so cheap.

I love a bargain. You love a bargain, don't you, Ara?

What did you just say?

I said Ara loves a bargain.

That's what I thought you just said.

Ara does not love a bargain!

Doesn't love a bargain!

Doesn't love a bargain!

Do you know how many times I've had to Listen to that sort of

racist, anti-Armenian stereotype bullshit from people like him?

Just because someone is Armenian doesn't mean they love a bargain, my friend.

But I'm Armenian.

And I actually do quite like a bargain.

You completely fucked it.

So basically you performed a robbery,

you broke into someone's flat,

and then kicked the shit out of some CCTV.

What use is that to the case? You've got nothing.

You weren't there. You don't understand.

You've got to roll with the punches.

I'm going to spell it out for you one last time.

We need clear, tangible evidence of criminal activity to

build a picture of the organisation and get to the big fish.

Not that easy.

I just think that sometimes you get a bit carried away.

You're a police officer, not a gangster.

Yeah, all right, all right, baby.

Just stay low till the wedding.

Anything could happen.

You're not wrong.

Last wedding I went to,

I ended up doing karaoke with the bride's mother.

I hate weddings.

You and the boyf not talked about tying the knot then?

He... We agreed I would concentrate on my career for the next few years.

I get it. Marriage, family, career.

Can the modern woman have it all?

Just go, Chris, and remember, police officer not gangster.

Don't worry. I'm at the top table,

perfect for getting Intel on Parnak.

Oh, and one more thing about the wedding.

Yes?

I'm going to have the lamb and green bean stew.

A 12-piece dinner set with matching wine glasses.

So what did you end up doing with your evening, then?

Out to dinner with the boyfriend. Now tell me about the wedding.

It was just as I thought - the diamond was a gift.

That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

They are human beings, you know?

They don't spend their every waking moment going around committing crimes.

Sometimes a wedding is just a wedding, Zoe.

Christopher, it's karaoke time,

handsome. Coming, Mrs Margarian!

Sorry, got to go, Zoe.

Right, Let's get this party started! Oi!

I've got them all running around after me.

You'd be so proud, Daddy.

Ten years, Tommy has been in there.

One of the most prolific Armenian criminals we've ever arrested.

Who's ready to crack some skulls?

Who takes a gun OUT of prison?

Business has been good for years. Tommy could spoil that.

That's a wire. No.

In here. No!

Police! Hands up!

Get that fucking shirt off now.

He knows. Tommy knows I'm a cop.

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