All language subtitles for the.good.place.s04e12.internal.720p.web.h264-trump-eng

.

[hopeful music]

♪ ♪

‐ We're finally headed
to the Good Place.

It's the "me" of places!

I‐I got in, I can say stuff
like that again.

‐ Are you sure we're going
the right way, Janet?

‐ Well, I've never been to
the Good Place before, but...

yes, I'm sure.

‐ How?
‐ Because...

it feels like
I'm on my way home.

♪ ♪

‐ Flying puppy!

‐ You're almost there!
Just a little further.

‐ Flying puppies?
Dang it, Michael,

why didn't you think of that
for your neighborhood?

These guys are good.

[ethereal shimmering]

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

‐ I feel just like Dorothy
when she lands in Oz.

Excited, incredulous,

much taller than everyone else
around me.

‐ What's everyone
wanna do first?

‐ Racing go‐karts with monkeys.
‐ Sure.

‐ It's my lifelong dream.

Monkeys are the ideal
go‐kart opponents.

They're funny enough
to give the finger,

but not smart enough to win.

‐ Does that mean me?

‐ You're a Good Janet,
and we're in the Good Place.

I don't know who else
it would mean.

‐ Okay.
No pressure.

I was born to do this‐‐
not born.

[low rumble]
[shimmering]

Okay, so I now know
all the information

about the Good Place.

In a nutshell, it slaps.

First thing to tell you:

humans can't see
the Good Place all at once

or their brains
will be scrambled.

‐ Cool, maybe I'll finally get

some of those squigglies
on my brain.

Doctor said my brain's
as smooth as an egg.

‐ You all need to wait out here
for a bit so you can adjust.

When you're ready,
you will be honored

with a welcome gala

magically planned
by the Good Place

based on your personalities.

‐ Like the "targeted
Instagram ad" of parties!

You know, I bought
the coolest sunglasses

from one of those ads.

[pinging]
‐ Look.

‐ Whoa.
‐ [gasps]

It's like I'm inside
the Internet.

‐ Okay, can we just keep moving?

‐ You look a little pale.
Did you get sick

from the hot air balloon?
I bet if you throw up

it'll just be butterflies
or something.

‐ I'm fine, I just um‐‐

I don't belong here.

There's no telling
what will happen

to a demon
who steps foot in this place.

Promise me if I'm vaporized,
you guys just keep having fun.

[chiming]
‐ Oh my goodness, that chime

is so soothing, it feels like
my brain is being massaged by

[both] a baby deer?
‐ Oh, boy.

What if that's some sort
of demon alarm

to alert the cops that I'm here?

‐ You want me to hold your weed?

‐ I don't have weed.
[chiming]

Oh...
Wait a minute.

Oh, yeah, okay, now I do.

Take this.

‐ They're ready for you
to move inside,

The Good Place Committee
is waiting for us.

[playful music]

‐ Oh, man.
Look at this place!

‐ Karlie Kloss did like me!

I knew it!

‐ So about this party...

is everyone in the Good Place
invited?

Like, is Aristotle
gonna be there?

‐ Sorry, Chidi,
Aristotle's in the Bad Place.

He defended slavery.

‐ Socrates?
‐ No, too annoying.

Very loud chewer.

‐ Plato.
‐ Slavery again.

‐ Oh, you know who is here?
Hypatia of Alexandria.

Do you know her?
‐ Hypatia?

Of Alexandria.
‐ That's right.

‐ Uh, yeah, I know her.

[squeals]

Ooh, Hypatia!

I'm gonna ask her
so many questions

pertaining to the grand ideas
about the universe,

like: "Why?"

Oh, oh, and also...

"How?"
‐ Ooh.

‐ Welcome to the Good Place,
everyone.

‐ Michael, so happy you made it.

You look radiant.

You have the calming
yet authoritative presence

of a bomb‐sniffing dog.

‐ I'd just like to say,
thank you so much

for letting me be here
with my friends.

I know it's unorthodox
for someone like myself

to visit the Good Place,
but it's just so wonderful,

and I don't have any weed on
me, so no need for the cops.

[laughs]
‐ Michael, Michael.

You and your friends are heroes.

And you're more
than welcome here.

In fact, we have
some very exciting news.

‐ While the rest of you
get settled in,

we want to give Michael
a swearing‐in ceremony

so he can become an official
Good Place Architect.

[uplifting music]

‐ Oh, my goodness.
‐ Michael, please, follow us.

[chiming]

‐ Holy fork,
that is a soothing chime.

‐ It really is the most
incredible chime

I've ever heard,
and that is coming from someone

whose godfather is the most
famous clock in the world.

‐ Is Big Ben
somehow your godfather?

‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ That sound means...

it's party time.

When you walk through,
the event space will transform

into a party perfectly tailored
to your essences.

‐ Let's link arms
and walk through together.

[rousing music]

♪ ♪

[ethereal shimmering]

♪ ♪

‐ Weird...
‐ Whoa.

This is the Jacksonville
SuperSuites Hotel ballroom

where I had my prom
and also traffic court.

‐ But this has to be
my party, because...

that's the bed pan
that Stone Cold Steve Austin

used to beat up Vince McMahon
in 1998!

[gasps]

It was a classic moment.
Don't judge me.

‐ I'm so sorry, guys.

The Good Place uses
your life experiences

to plan the perfect party,

but it's only designed
for one person at a time.

When you walked in as a group,
it became‐‐

‐ A mishmash of all four of us.

♪ ♪

‐ [sighs] It's perfect.

‐ Um, no it's not, Eleanor,

because there's no
go‐kart track and no monkeys.

No offense, but you're being
a real smooth brain right now.

‐ See those Green Doors?

You can use them
to visit any time or place,

real or imagined.

Just think about
where you wanna go,

and what you wanna do,
and walk on through.

‐ So, one could walk
amongst the dinosaurs,

or witness the very first
production of "Hamlet"

at the Globe Theater.

‐ I'ma go Tokyo drift
with monkeys!

See you in a thousand years!

‐ Do you mind
if I go find Hypatia?

I‐I promise
it's strictly platonic.

Technically Neoplatonic.
[laughs]

‐ Whoops.

‐ Forget I made that joke
and come with me.

I'm so nervous to meet her,
and I need someone cool there

to change the subject
if I say something dumb.

‐ Sure, give me one sec.
Hey, Tahani.

This room is filled with some
of the most interesting people

that ever lived.

Chat them up,
learn about their lives,

then... meet back here so that
we can make fun of them.

‐ Eleanor Shellstrop.

I have been training
for this day my entire life.

‐ I am so honored
by this gesture.

This feels right.
This will be my new purpose.

Everything's falling into place.

‐ Great, let's get to it.

Just put on
this ceremonial robe.

‐ Ha!

‐ Boy, do you have
the shoulders for a robe.

‐ Oh.
‐ Just sign this scroll.

‐ I've never signed
my name before.

What signature type to choose?

A "Doctor blob," or no,

"Athlete who doesn't really
care about the kid."

Oh, wait, no.

"Middle school girl
with crush on Zac Efron."

That way, I can put
a little heart over the "I".

‐ Perfect, and here
is your official medal.

‐ Now I know what
Mary Lou Retton feels like.

‐ And great, now you
are officially in charge

of the Good Place.

‐ I'm sorry.
"In charge"?

‐ Yup, you're the boss now.
That was all legally binding,

and we all quit,
effective immediately.

That is irreversible,
so it's all your problem now.

Don't try to find us,
no take‐backs.

Okay, bye‐bye!

Hurry up, move, move, go, go!
Go, go!

‐ Hello?
Fellow Good Placemen?

♪ ♪

Anyone in here?

"Ideas for improving
the Good Place."

Oh... "music you can eat."
Oh, boy.

"Giant mini doughnuts,
not just regular doughnuts.

Dave will explain."

Dave?

Can you explain?

‐ Hi, are you, uh‐‐

are you‐‐are you
Hypatia Of Alexandria?

‐ Yup, how's it hangin'?

‐ It's hanging really well!

Um, I‐I gotta say,

I was expecting you to be
still, you know, Ancient Greek.

‐ Oh, well, we sort of stay
current in this place.

One of the big things
from Earth recently,

um, the Industrial Revolution,

the Manhattan Project,
Gangam Style‐‐

I feel like I get it.
‐ It's really her.

I can just tell, somehow,
it's Hypatia of Alexandria.

‐ I know, babe.
Yes it is.

Hi, sorry, I'm Eleanor.
This exuberant weirdo is Chidi.

We're new in town.
First question:

How do you get the "of"
in your name?

Is it just, like,
where you hung out the most?

Like, am I "Eleanor
of the Cheesecake Factory Bar"?

‐ Also is it Hy‐PAY‐shuh,
or Hy‐PAT‐ee‐uh?

Or in the Ancient Greek,
"who‐PUH‐tee‐uh?"

There's a lot of fun debate
about this.

‐ You know what,
just call me Patty.

‐ Okay, well, uh...
[laughs] Patty!

I'm a huge fan.

I had a poster of you
on my wall in high school.

Actually, it was just a poster
of Trinity from "The Matrix,"

but that's how I imagined
you would look

because you're so cool!

‐ Oh, is she the reason
you got beat up so much?

‐ She's one of 'em.
‐ Wanna get a milkshake?

I haven't been around newbies
in a while.

You're a little intense.
Let's get a milkshake.

Yeah, they make a milkshake here

that's made out
of actual stardust.

It's pretty good.
‐ Okay!

Yeah!
Getting milkshakes with Patty.

‐ Yeah.

‐ But can I ask you
a couple of questions first?

Uh, you were a follower
of Plotinus,

who claimed that contemplation
of our ultimate reality‐‐

‐ Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you‐‐
what's it called, um...

a think‐book‐man?

No, um...
a think‐read‐book‐man.

‐ A philosopher, yes.
‐ Sorry!

It's been so long,
my brain is foggy.

Listen carefully before I forget

how to say this:

you gotta help us,
we are so screwed.

‐ We are?

[dismaying music]
‐ Hello.

I'm Tahani Al‐Jamil.

‐ [affectless] I'm Paltibaal.
Welcome to paradise.

‐ So, what's your story?

Did you cure something,

or invent something?

‐ I helped the poor
in Ancient Phoenicia.

‐ Excellent!

I once had a Soul Cycle
instructor named Phoenicia.

How did you die?

‐ I got a cut on my hand.

The year was 2491 BC, so that's
pretty much all it took.

You got a cut, or you drank
water that wasn't hot enough,

and then boom, dead.

I would've killed for a vaccine.

Any vaccine.

It's crazy that you guys
just don't like them now.

‐ So what's your favorite part
about living here?

‐ I mean, it's perfect.

We're all having orgasms
literally all the time.

I died a virgin,
so that's real crazy.

‐ Okay.

‐ It's so nice to get to work
alongside another Good Janet.

‐ Yes, it is.

‐ Janet, can I get a Coke?

[chiming]

No, a water.

[chiming]
No, a lamp.

[chiming]

No, a cat.
[chiming]

‐ So, people just ask you for
things with no rhyme or reason?

‐ Yes, and then
I get them for them.

It's great.

‐ Can I get a spaceship?

[chiming]

No, one huge Junior Mint.

[chiming]
No, a Coke.

[chiming]

‐ Wow, this milkshake
is incredible.

‐ Right?
‐ Mmm!

‐ This is how I spend most
of my time.

Sitting in beautiful places,
drinking my milkshake,

slowly peeing into my pants,

which instantly evaporates
and leaves no trace.

‐ Sounds fun.
‐ Mm.

‐ But didn't you want to tell
us how we're all screwed?

‐ Ah!
Damn it!

This is the exact problem!

On paper, this is paradise.

All your desires
and needs are met,

but it's infinite, and when
perfection goes on forever,

you become
this glassy‐eyed mush person.

‐ But... no!

Because‐‐

No.

Because, Patty, no!

‐ Yes, I'm telling you.
I used to be cool, man.

I studied so much things.

Art and music and the, um,

the one with the number piles?

Where I'd be like, "Two!"
and you'd be like, "Six!"

‐ Math?
‐ Yes!

And then I came here where
time stretched out forever,

and every second of my
existence was amazing,

but my brain became
this big dumb blob.

‐ So we finally make it
into the Good Place,

and now we're just
gonna become zombies?

Why haven't you told
anyone about this?

‐ About what?

‐ Dude!
‐ Damn it!

‐ We have to find the others.
Right now.

♪ ♪

‐ Look, there's math
on my shirt.

‐ Come on!
‐ Is it an "S" or a math?

‐ Have you seen
Eleanor and Chidi?

There's something very wrong
with this party,

and it's not just
that the caviar

is being served
on top of Jell‐O shots.

We are the first new people
here in 500 years,

and no one seems to care.

‐ I know, even the Good Janets
are kind of weird.

They're like, "Hi, there!"

When I do it, it's cool,
but when they do it, it's lame.

‐ Hey, guys.
Having fun?

Great.
So, little update.

Um, the Good Place
is a disaster.

Everyone here is
a happiness zombie,

and no one is doing
anything about it,

because by the time
they realize it's happening,

everyone is too far gone
to care.

‐ Oh, dear.

Oh, hello, I'm Tahani.

‐ Hi, I'm milkshake.
Do you want a milkshake?

‐ Okay, we need to tell someone

before we're too zonked out
to remember why we're here.

We need to find the Committee.
‐ The Committee is me.

I am Committee.
It me.

‐ What?
‐ They tricked me.

And put me in charge
of the Good Place

and then literally ran away.

‐ And then what happened?

The sorting hat
put you in Hufflepuff?

Roasted.

Come on, I know
we have problems.

You can't expect me
to ignore this.

‐ Hang on, we're in paradise.
[monkey chittering distantly]

Surely, some people here
are enjoying themselves.

‐ Hey, guys.
I'm back.

Go‐karting with monkeys
got boring really fast.

‐ It did?

.

‐ Jason, your lifelong dream
got old that quickly?

‐ I mean, monkeys and go‐karts
was fun for a while,

then I was like,
"Oh, you know what'd be cool?

Hippos in go‐karts."

And I was like, yo,

"What about Draculas
with jetpacks?"

I did like 50 combos,
and then I just kind of wanted

to hang out with you guys again.

‐ Okay, that's it in a nutshell.

'Cause you get here
and you realize

that anything's possible,

and you do everything,
and then you're done.

But you still have
infinity left.

This place kills fun,
and passion,

and excitement, and love,

till all you have left
are milkshakes.

‐ The Good Place committee
obviously knew about this.

Why didn't they try
and solve it?

‐ They did.
They tried everything.

Just last week,
they made the unicorns bigger,

and then they gave them
more horns,

and then they
made them chubbier.

I mean, really, they just made
a bunch of weird fluffy rhinos.

The Committee members
aren't human,

so they couldn't
understand the problem.

The second I showed up,

they jumped off this sinking
ship and made me captain.

‐ Well, I'm not giving up.

We worked too hard
and went through too much.

And I'm not just gonna sit back
and turn into some

slack‐jawed sweatpant‐wearing
orgasm machine.

Oh, my God, I'm describing my
dream existence like it's bad.

What is wrong with this place?

‐ We just redesigned
this system,

and soon millions of people
are going to start pouring in

thinking they're in paradise,
only to become a joyless husk.

It's Coachella.

We've invented Cosmic Coachella.

Oh, we have to fix this.

‐ What if we do
what I did to you

in the original Neighborhood?

Erase their memory
every once in a while?

That way, paradise would seem
fresh and new.

‐ You were doing that
to torture us.

Actual paradise can't use
the same playbook as hell.

‐ Okay, well, I have a solution.

Remember what I said to you
when you were going through

your "midlife crisis,
one earring,

red convertible" phase?

‐ "You look so stupid."
‐ After that.

‐ You said that every human is
a little bit sad all the time,

because you know
you're gonna die.

But that knowledge
is what gives life meaning.

‐ The way to restore meaning
to the people in the Good Place

is to let them leave.

‐ Leave?
And go where?

This is the last...

Oh.

♪ ♪

‐ Can we just do that?

‐ You're the head
of the Good Place now.

Seems to me,
you can do whatever you want.

♪ ♪

‐ Where's Michael?

♪ ♪

‐ [chuckles] Okay.

[chuckling]

Nothing to do
but announce the big change.

Whatever happens,
it's cool, my babies.

It's very cool.

‐ Did you smoke that weed, bud?

‐ [chuckling]

I did.

I was kind of freaked out,

so I smoked some grass,
but now I'm great.

Let's change the afterlife,
and then Taco Bell.

‐ All right.
[chiming]

‐ Oh!

Baby!

‐ Okay.
I'm gonna do the talking.

Hi, everyone, can I have
your attention, please?

Hi, my name's
Eleanor Shellstrop.

Hope you're having fun

at our Flor‐izona British
library extravaganza.

I guess you don't really
have fun anywhere,

which is the point.

It doesn't seem like
this is paradise for you.

You've basically been
on a never‐ending vacation,

and vacations are only special
because they end.

‐ So we have an idea.

We're gonna set up
a new kind of door.

Um, somewhere peaceful,
so that when you feel happy

and satisfied and complete,

and you want to leave
the Good Place for good,

you can just walk through it,

and your time in the universe
will end.

‐ You don't have to go through
it if you don't want to,

but you can, and hopefully,

knowing that you don't
have to be here forever

will help you feel happier
while you are.

‐ What will happen
when we go through it?

‐ Well, we don't
really know, exactly.

All we know is,
it will be peaceful,

and your journey will be over.

‐ You led great lives.

You earned your place here.

So stay here
as long as you like.

Use the Green Doors to see
and do every single thing

you want to see and do.

And when you're ready...
walk through one last door,

and be at peace.

Does that sound good?

[cheers and applause]

[uplifting music]

‐ Seems like they're into it.

.

[dance music playing]

‐ It's DJ music,
make some noise!

[cheering]

‐ That's my boyfriend!

‐ I'm glad you'll be able
to enjoy things again.

Art, math, philosophy,
like you used to.

‐ Yeah, me too.

I've been dreaming
of ending the ennui

of this eternal existence
for a long time,

but now I think
I'll stick around for a while.

It felt good to, uh...
make brain words.

Still mushy.
I'll get it back.

We're lucky we ran into you.
It saved us.

‐ That's not what saved you.

♪ ♪

‐ Hey!
‐ Hey!

‐ It was your friendships.
‐ Yeah, I know, I got it.

‐ Oh. Sorry.

Still not sharp.

♪ ♪

‐ Kept most of it the same.

Even made myself
a office nearby.

Jason, I‐I...
[sighs]

Kind of took a wild guess.

‐ I finally get to accomplish
my goal

of living in a Stupid Nick's!

I know anything you do
for eternity gets boring,

but I swear I will never
get sick of wings!

‐ Well, I'll see you
all tomorrow.

And every tomorrow after that.

‐ You know, Michael,
at the end of the day,

you were right.

[hopeful music]

Everything is fine.

♪ ♪

‐ Hmm.

‐ This is what
we've been looking for

since the day we met.

Time.

I think that's what
the Good Place really is.

It's... not even a place,

really, it's just...

having enough time
with the people you love.

‐ You're right.

And we have as long as we want.

If you keep hogging
this blanket,

I'm probably gonna walk
through that door

in, like, three days, so...

[laughs]

[blissful music]

‐ I'll miss you.
‐ [laughs]

♪ ♪

[laser zaps]