Original subtitles

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

- LARRY: Huh? Is that amazing? - CHERYL: That is--

- TED: Unbelievable story! - LARRY: You know what?

None of it would have happened

if I didn't intercede on that guy's behalf in the restaurant.

- Unbelievable, Larry. - It saved your life.

- Saved my life. - What if he hadn't wanted seconds?

None of this would have happened.

- LARRY: None of it would have happened. - Bashert.

The fatwa is over!

- LEON: Yes! - The fatwa is over!

SUSIE: Let's drink to that, huh?

It's a new me. It's a new me.

Well, whatever. We're glad you're back, Larry.

- Thank you, Susie. - Welcome.

JEFF: I didn't even tell you the biggest news.

"Fatwa! the Musical" is back on.

- It is? - Whoa, wait-- wait a second.

You're jumping the gun a little bit.

We're having a meeting with Lin-Manuel Miranda this week,

and if he wants to do it, then--

You're meeting with Lin-Manuel Miranda? Oh, my--

It's the only way it can go forward-- is if he's in it.

He's in LA now, right? Isn't it-- Aren't they doing the show here?

Yeah, they're doing "Hamilton."

Yeah, can you get us tickets? I mean, it's here.

No, it's here and we can't even get tickets to it!

Already with the "Hamilton" tickets? Are you kidding?

- I would love some, too. - Huh?

I don't know if I can get you tickets.

I haven't even met the guy yet.

- You saw it, right? - Yeah, I saw it in New York.

- Fantastic. - Isn't it so fantastic?

Oh, my God, I love that show. Incredible.

I saw it and I played...

( CHUCKLES ) 36 holes of golf that day.

And, uh, I fell asleep before the second act of "Hamilton."

- BRIDGET: You're kidding. - I slept through-- I slept through the intermission.

- BRIDGET: No! - SUSIE: You fell asleep? Wait a minute.

Only you would fall asleep at the hottest show on Broadway.

- TED: Hey, hey. Guys, guys. - How did you fall asleep?

- It's so exciting and interesting. - The Shucker.

- Excuse me, the Shucker. - Oh, the Shucker.

- Hey, how's everybody doing? - SUSIE: Hello.

- SHUCKER: Taste good? - TED: Fantastic.

It's all good? No grit?

- No grit. - Okay, no grit.

Just shuck and awe. Okay, well, that's great.

I've got a-- I got a whole bunch of bluepoints.

Got some Kusshis for you all.

- TED: Whoo! - Hope you left some room.

- Okay. - I know he did. ( CHUCKLING )

SUSIE: Fantastic. Cute as could be.

- Ay, God. - SUSIE: Shucking?

- What's the matter? - BRIDGET: What's the matter?

- JEFF: What happened? - He overheard that entire story

about me sleeping through "Hamilton."

What do you care? What difference does it make?

I just hope it doesn't get back to-- to Lin.

I doubt that, Larry. You're paranoid.

He shucks all over town. I don't know what circles he shucks in.

- He could shuck and tell. - ( DOORBELL RINGS )

I'll be back.

Do you think we can still get the tickets?

Who's ringing the bell this time of night?

It's Lin-Manuel Miranda. ( CHUCKLES )

SUSIE: I think he heard about the...

Hello, I'm Rose Shapiro. Remember me?

No.

I sold you this house five years ago.

Oh, okay.

Um, well, what can I do for you?

Well, I was in the neighborhood

and I thought I'd just pop in

and see how my house is doing if that's okay with you.

Actually, I'm-- sorry, I've got some dinner guests, so.

Well, I won't take but a minute.

I was so happy in this house. I lived here for 50 years.

Raised all my children here. Is that okay?

- Yeah, I-- yeah, okay. - Oh, oh, thank you.

But it can't be too long, though, okay?

It won't be, I promise you. I'll be very discreet.

( GASPS ) What have you done here?

You've covered up that cut stone from Italy with a rug!

Yeah, well, it needed a little warming up in here.

It was very cold and I happen to like it.

And you know what? It happens to be my house, so--

And what have you done in here?

Where's the wonderful wallpaper I put up?

The wallpaper with the pirates? Are you kidding?

It was the first thing I took down when I moved in.

Well, I guess it's your house.

You can do anything you want to.

- Yeah, oh, yes! - I think I'll check over here.

That's true! That-- I can do anything I want to!

What are you doing-- What the fuck?

I'm checking the master bedroom.

I don't want you to. It's my house.

Well, all right. If you wanna be that way.

Yeah, I think I do wanna be that way.

I do. All right, you know what?

I think it's time to go. Let's go. Come on.

- ( SIGHS ) All right. - Come on.

- I guess I better go. - Enough. I've had enough.

- Oh! - Ay-ay-ay.

Look at this poor ficus! What have you done?

I left this with you in good faith to love and cherish.

Yeah, no, I've taken very good care of it.

It's old.

It's dropping all its leaves. Do you water it?

Of course I water it. All right, come on, I got some people here.

You've got to go. Come on.

There's the door. Time to go. Thank you.

Good-bye. Thank you for stopping by.

- Don't do it again. - BRIDGET: No, I know, I know.

And then, Todd, this other guy,

had-- what's the male equivalent of bush?

- JEFF: Man bush. - Man bush.

That, like-- so, finding his penis was like--

I'm searching for the baby bird in the--

- SUSIE: In the nest. - In the nest.

And then I'm, like, looking.

I couldn't even find the goods

because the Afro was so intense.

Yeah, okay, all right.

I think-- I think we've heard enough of that story.

- Sorry, Lar. - But, Larry,

she has so many funny stories about her exes.

I've been hearing them for years.

- They're hilarious. - Yeah, I'm sure.

- Yeah. - Remember the one you told me about?

- The guy who-- the leaner? - Yeah, the leaner.

- Yes. - The Leaning Tower of Pisa?

- That guy? - The Leaning Tower of Peter.

Yeah, oh, that's-- That's a good one, too.

- That was a good one. - BRIDGET: I know, I know.

And then Todd, this other guy--

Oh, yeah. Oh, that was so many years ago.

Oh, my God. I don't believe it.

This room used to be so warm and inviting.

Mrs. Shapiro, what are-- What are you doing?

- Well, I just-- - I thought you left.

Well, I was just looking around.

- It used to be so different. - She used to live in the house.

Uh, she wanted to look around.

And the house was so much better when I had it.

- I don't know what he's done with this. - Okay, you need to go now.

Well, you don't have to be rude about it.

You're the one being rude.

You come in here and you're criticizing my house.

You don't live here anymore.

That's right, keep going.

- ( DOOR OPENS ) - Yeah, and now close it.

- Close it. - ( DOOR CLOSES )

- TED: Go-- go back to the leaner. - Okay.

( LAUGHS ) The Leaning Tower of Peter?

( ALL LAUGHING ) - Oh, and he was a biter, too.

He used to bite me on the ass.

- Which was not as bad as-- - LEON: A bite on the damn nipple!

( LAUGHING ) - BRIDGET: Oh, my God, totally. 'Cause that hurts.

Well, that's it, everybody.

- I'm all done for the night. - Whoo!

Thanks. It's been a privilege working for you tonight.

And I hope you agree with me

that this has been a spectacular "shuck-cess."

- Whoa! - Oh, nice. Okay.

- Thank you. - I'll-- I'll walk you out.

- SUSIE: He's adorable. - BRIDGET: Yeah.

- Bridge, what was the guy... - Anyway, um,

it was great having you here tonight.

Everybody really enjoyed it.

I hope so. I hope so.

- Had a great time. - Yeah. Yeah, it was great.

Um, I just wanna say one thing.

You know, earlier when I was talking about "Hamilton,"

what-- what you didn't hear me say was that I played,

uh, 36 holes of golf that day and I was exhausted.

And that's one of the reasons I was so tired,

uh, during the performance.

I mean, I-- I loved what I-- what I saw.

Sure. What I heard was that you fell asleep.

Yes, I did fall asleep, but what you didn't hear

is why I fell asleep, why I was so tired.

- I loved the show. - Sure.

You can paint it or dress it up

anyway you want, but sleep is sleep.

- And you fell asleep. - Yeah.

- All right? - True, I did.

But, uh, I would hope that as you shuck

from house to house that, uh,

you can afford me some shucker discretion in this matter.

- I understand. - Oh.

- And I appreciate that. - Good. Thank you.

And I would also appreciate, um,

two tickets to "Hamilton."

- Oh. Really? - Yeah.

Well... ( SIGHS )

I don't have any access

to getting you tickets to "Hamilton," okay?

- It's most unfortunate. - And why is-- why is that?

It'd be a shame if Lin-Manuel Miranda

ever found out that someone was falling asleep in his show.

- I'll see what I can do. - Super.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- ( DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ) - SUSIE: I like that guy.

- Oh, he was adorable. - CHERYL: He was adorable.

- What? Who? - This cake is unbelievable.

- BRIDGET: I know. - Oh, it's the best cheesecake.

Um, all right.

I think, uh-- I think we're good here.

I think that's enough.

- What? - That's enough.

- What are you talking about? - Time to go.

We're having afterdinner conversation, Larry.

- It's enough. - You know, this is so typical of you.

I don't like all the lingering after dinner.

You had your dessert. Get-- get the hell out. Come on, get out.

All right, thank you for ruining a lovely evening.

On the contrary, didn't ruin it. Saved it.

- Uh-huh. Bridget, call me tomorrow. - I saved it.

- Mwah. Cheryl, Ted. - Mwah. I'll call you.

All right, okay, come on. Time to go, people.

- Hey. - TED: This is your Larry.

- Whose is this? - Oh, I don't know.

Maybe-- maybe the Shucker left it.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Man, this is cool.

- SUSIE: Ooh. - You know what? ( SNAPS FINGERS )

- Ooh, Jeffrey. - Keep it.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Oh, definitely keep it. I love it.

- You do? - It looks fantastic on you.

- Really? - Looks good.

How about that?

Look at me. I'm the sheriff.

Now let's go home, Sheriff. Come on.

- Yeah. - All right, people.

- Okay, yep. - Let's go.

- Time to go. - We're getting kicked out.

JEFF: She's showing me love and affection

that I've never felt before.

- 'Cause of the hat. - All 'cause of the hat.

She listens to what I say.

She takes suggestions.

And all she wants to do is have sex.

- Susie? - Yes.

So I have to keep the hat on during sex.

- That's her thing. - What?

Yeah. I haven't had this much sex since college.

- Wow. - It's almost like, you know,

she's got a thing for cowboys from her past or something.

She's got a real perversion, doesn't she?

Yeah, she loves the Old West.

Where are the women who have a bald perversion?

I wonder if there's, like, a place they all hang out.

You just walk in and, you know.

I wonder if it's worth investigating.

- You wonder? - ( LAUGHS )

I would have already investigated it.

I would have-- I would have blown up Google with-- if I were you.

- Hey, by the way. - Yeah?

Today with-- With Lin...

- Yeah. - Okay?

You don't think he's gonna wanna write the songs, do you?

Hmm, I hadn't thought of that,

but I-- I don't know.

They're my songs. I don't wanna--

Your songs. And can I say something?

- Yeah. - I love those songs.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Yeah.

WOMAN: Excuse me, gentlemen.

Lin isn't here yet, but if you'd like to go upstairs

to Aaron's office, you can.

Oh.

Ma'am.

How you doing?

- ( CHUCKLES ) - ( PHONE RINGS )

- Larry! Hey. - Hey!

Come on in, come on in. Jeff, hi.

- How you doing, Aaron? - Aaron Warden.

- Yeah. I know you. - Nice to meet you.

Hello, hello. Nice hat.

- Thank you. - You're just coming back from Vegas?

Uh, no. This is my new look.

I like it. I like how you think.

( LAUGHS ) Lin's very excited, by the way.

I read the play personally. Great.

- Laughed a lot. - Really?

- Great moments, great comedy. - Wow.

We're really excited, seriously.

And you think that he's interested in-- in playing Salman?

I think so. The only issue-- he's so busy.

So busy right now. You know, the world is after him.

What's that? "Judge Judy"?

- Oh, you like Judith? - Oh, I love Judge Judy.

- Are you kidding? - Good. Good, good. She's my client.

If I ever had to go to court,

I would like for her to adjudicate.

- That's how good she is. - But she's tough.

- I'm so sorry I'm late. - Oh, there he is!

- Our national treasure. - Hey! Jeff. How are you?

Jeff, Lin. Larry, Lin. Nice to see you.

- How did it go? Good? - It was good.

- Yeah, I think we're done. - Good. I'm excited.

All right, I was just telling them how excited we are.

Thank you so much for bringing this to us.

- It's so exciting. - Oh, oh, thank--

You know, I loved "Hamilton," needless to say.

- I saw it with you. - Oh, great. Awesome.

You know, I know the show's in LA right now. Everybody's loving it.

I was wondering, would it be possible to get two tickets for my shucker?

For your shucker? Like an oyster shucker?

Yeah, yeah, oyster shucker. Yeah. Fantastic shucker. So fast.

- He's your personal shucker? - No. He-- he shucks for me from time to time.

Hey, if he's important to you, sure, I'll-- I'll--

- No promises, but I'll ask. - Oh, thank you.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Thank you so much.

All right, I'll let you chat together,

and my office is your office.

Have a great time. I'm excited about this.

- Great work again, Larry. - Thanks again.

Thanks for letting us use the office.

Appreciate it. Let's have a seat, guys.

Okay, let's see. Where do you want...

( SIGHS )

Right.

So, "Fatwa! the Musical."

Where do you guys wanna do it?

Well, you know, we're thinking...

- Broadway. - Broadway.

Broadway? All right.

I think you're gonna wanna try it out of town first.

You know, why not LA? I think you should do it here.

- Okay. - Nice.

And who do you see for a cast?

Obviously, we'd like you to play, um, Salman.

- Oh, "Salmon." - Salman.

Yeah, "Salmon" Rushdie.

"Salmon," yeah.

And, um, Mandy Patinkin for, uh...

- No one but Mandy Patinkin. - ...for the ayatollah.

F. Murray Abraham.

- Yeah. Good idea. Let's do that. - Yeah. I'm telling you.

( PHONE BUZZES ) - The "F" is for fucking awesome.

I'm sorry.

I'm getting a-- I'm sorry, guys, this is London.

Can I just have you guys step outside for a second? Thanks so much.

This is really going well. Hello?

What the hell's wrong with you?

- You said yes to everything. - Yeah.

You were so determined downstairs. What the hell happened?

- It's the desk. - The desk?

Yes. It's the power of the desk. He's up high, I'm down low.

Everything he says, I say yes to. He's in the boss chair.

- He's-- he's like-- it's like he's my boss. - This is not good.

We gotta do everything we can to get him out from behind the desk.

- Okay. - LIN-MANUEL: Hey, you guys can come on back in.

Please, make yourselves comfortable.

( GRUNTS )

I got an idea. Why don't you sit over here?

Yeah, no. I'm comfortable. Thank you so much.

- LARRY: Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm great.

I gotta tell you, we could have a real nice, intimate discussion over here.

You know, we'll be able to kind of really kick it around.

Yeah, I feel like we're at a nice, wide angle.

This is a nice bird's-eye view of the piece.

I gotta tell you something, I'm getting laryngitis

screaming across the room, you're so far away.

Well, I'm enthusiastic about it, too.

I think we're on the same page.

Listen, not only do I wanna play "Salmon," I wanna write the songs.

- Yeah, but I-- I've written all the songs. - Yeah.

- That's all done. - It's a great starting point for us.

You know, what you've written is-- it's a great bedrock.

It's a great foundation for-- for me to--

You know, 'cause it's inspiring me so much.

You know, let's start with the opening.

What? The opening?

Come on, the opening's terrific as is.

♪ There's a fatwa, there's a fatwa ♪

♪ Gotta run, I think I oughta, gotta hide ♪

- ♪ I think I gotta-- ♪ - ♪ Got a pinspotta ♪

- There-- there's more. I'm not done-- - Yeah, there's more.

♪ Pinspotta on our hero ♪

♪ All alone, blood clotta ♪

♪ A fatwa, un, deux, trois, caught ♪

♪ Why am I in the middle of this? ♪

♪ I'm Biggie and 'Pac, who shot ya? ♪

♪ I'm at the top of the rock and I'm hotter than guac ♪

♪ What's going on? I gotta stop ya ♪

♪ Can I-- ♪ Where are you going?

No, I was just checking out the whole area here.

No, have a seat. I'm not done.

Oh, okay-- okay.

Yeah. No, have a seat over here.

Yeah, right where you were.

Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable.

We're in a flow right now. You're doing great.

Listen, I feel like I have a lot of ideas

and maybe we should call another meeting

where I can really download everything that's in my head,

'cause I'm just scratching the surface here.

I love what we've all come up with together,

so let's have another meeting

in a couple weeks to keep working.

Okay.

Great.

I have a couple of calls to make to the West End before it closes.

Yeah, all right, give me the room. Thanks.

- This is just the beginning. - Yeah.

- Awesome. - See you.

- Thank you. - Okay, thank you.

Ugh, how can you eat that thing, Riggs?

Hey, it's breakfast, the most important meal of the day.

( SCOFFS ) What's the name of this show?

- "Chicago Homicide." - Oh, my God, you poor kid.

( LAUGHS ) It's not that bad.

- People love it. - Two bullet wounds to the chest...

- LARRY: People love this? - Mm-hmm.

People will watch anything with "Chicago" in the title.

- It's been proven. - ( CHUCKLES ) Yeah.

Yeah. ( LAUGHS )

Ow. Could this couch be any more uncomfortable?

- You could have a new couch. - And that's gonna require people...

- Oh, that's annoying. - ...lugging something

up the stairs, lugging this out.

I can't stand to see people doing manual labor in front of me.

- Movers in particular. - Right. Right.

- Wow. - A piano.

- Nightmare. Tears. - Oh, my God.

I wouldn't get a piano just because

I wouldn't want them to move the piano into my house.

- That's so stupid. - It is, but it's true.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Interesting, the things I'm learning.

Just like talking to all your friends the other night.

They were so, uh, nice. That was fun.

- Yeah, it was fun. - Mmm.

Except maybe...

at the end when you were talking about those guys.

( LAUGHS ) Susie loves those stories.

- I don't know why. - Yeah.

I guess I kept thinking...

( SCOFFS ) what if-- what if that was me she was talking about?

( LAUGHS )

Well, I won't talk about you, Larry. Don't worry.

Is there anything you've observed thus far or noticed

that you might wanna talk about at a dinner party?

No. Everything's completely just regular.

WOMAN ON TV: They're too much trouble. I'm officially done dating.

"Regular." - If I get lonely, I'll just rent a penis.

( GASPS ) Ah! That is a-- An unapproved "penis."

I'm so sorry, I gotta call this in before they...

It's Bridget for Bill.

( MUFFLED CLATTERING )

No, he knows why I'm calling.

You hear something?

Sorry, I didn't-- I...

Yeah.

No, tell him I'm holding for him.

Don't let him get away.

- ROSE: You're so thirsty. - Oh, my-- what?

What?! What are you doing here?

Well, obviously, I'm keeping this plant alive.

- It's dying here. - How did you get in here?

I have my own keys. You forgot to change the locks.

Okay, I want that key back, okay? And you need to go.

This is not a college dormitory

where you can visit years later

and catch up on things.

We don't have alumni weekends, okay?

I never should have sold this house to you.

You're destroying it and you're certainly destroying this plant.

Okay, you listen to me, Shapiro, all right?

- Get out! - All right.

It's not your house! It's my house!

I live here, not you!

What a fucking psycho.

( SUSIE CRYING OUT )

Fuck me, Tex!

( CRYING OUT )

You know how she got in? She used her key.

- You didn't change the locks? - I never changed the locks.

So crazy.

- Speaking of crazy. - Yeah, I know.

- I mean, what the fuck? - It is the new me. I am all in.

- The boots, too? - The boots, too.

I'm going for the whole thing.

Women love it. They go nuts.

The only downside is I gotta keep fucking my wife.

- Sick of it? - Oh, so sick of it.

Yeah. Hey, we gotta talk about this-- this meeting with Lin.

- Yeah. - I gotta sit behind the desk today.

- Oh, yeah. - Change the whole dynamic.

Well, you just don't wanna piss him off, that's all I can say.

I'm not gonna piss him off, but, you know, I need-- I need...

to wrest creative control from him somehow.

He's taking over the whole goddamn thing.

Did-- did you...

- Did you overhear what I-- - Yes, I did.

I hope you'll exercise some receptionist discretion...

Just gotta keep it down.

Everybody's got such a big mouth.

Yeah.

Nobody can hear anything and keep it to themselves.

- Hey! - ( LAUGHS ) Oh, look at you.

- Nice. - JEFF: Yeah.

Yeah, you can pull that off.

- You're with this agency? - Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know why I bother, though.

Yeah, it's enough with the acting already.

How long do you have to do it for?

Why don't you quit? Huh?

Nah, I got a few more parts in me, come on.

Every time I turn on the television, I have to see you.

It's enough. Retire. Why don't you retire?

- ( LAUGHS ) Yeah. Maybe I-- - Huh?

We gonna see you this weekend?

Uh, no, actually, I-- I'm not--

Cheryl and I are going up to Tahoe.

- Oh, we-- we went there once. - Yeah, I know.

She, uh-- She told me.

( LAUGHING )

Something funny happen in Tahoe?

No. Uh-uh.

- Something weird? - No. Nope.

- I think something happened in Tahoe. - Nothing happened in Tahoe.

- What happened in Tahoe? - Nothing happened in Tahoe, Jeff, okay?

Can you look at me and tell me nothing happened in Tahoe?

- Nothing happened in Tahoe! - Something happened in Tahoe!

- Nothing happened! - Trust me, something happened.

- Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. - Oh! Hey.

- Great to see you. - Good to see you.

Oh, great to see this.

This is developing. I like it.

It's working really well. Keep workshopping. It's great.

Hey, did you get the tickets for the shucker?

Oh, I asked.

They weren't-- They weren't able to do it.

- I'm sorry. - They? Who's they?

Yeah, well, you know, I mean,

if it were for you... no problem.

You'd go as my guest. It's my pleasure.

But a shucker you met once who's good at shucking...

Well, he's not just good at shucking; he's great at shucking.

Again, for you, no problem. In a second.

Anytime you wanna go, please let me know.

Okay. Yeah, okay, I'll go.

I'll-- I'll take the tickets.

- You'll take them? - Yeah.

For the same day that the shucker was...

Yeah.

- Now they're for you? - Yeah.

You'll be there at the show?

Yeah. Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Are you really sure?

I'm really sure.

- Okay. - Gentlemen, Aaron just left the office.

You can have it for your meeting.

- Let's go to work. - Great.

( SOTTO VOCE ) I gotta get that desk.

So, um, how do you like LA?

I like it okay. Getting used to driving.

- Yeah. Oh, d-- you drive? - Yeah.

You-- do you have a car in New York?

No, not in New York, but I have one here I've been renting.

- It's pretty great. - Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'm getting used to the traffic.

Yeah. How come you don't have a car in New York?

Oh, you don't need one with the subway.

I know. I wish they'd get some kind of...

You know, I pretty much take the train...

( BOTH GRUNTING )

( GROANING )

( SIGHS )

"Fatwa!..."

- ( GROANS ) - "...the Musical."

Yeah, have a seat, guys.

I had a couple of questions about act two

and a couple of ideas that I think are really gonna help us.

You know, there's always a bit of a drag in the middle of act two

and I think we can attack that in a really innovative way.

- Do you have a pad and a pen? - Yeah, sure.

( SNAPS FINGERS ) I'll have, uh, Lucy get that for you.

Lucy?

LEON: Come on, Larry. Spit that shit out.

What happened in Tahoe?

Listen, you can ask as many questions as you want.

You are not going to find out from me what happened in Tahoe.

( GROANS ) - If you really wanted to find out, go ask Ted Danson.

Okay? Let me tell you something.

There's just no discretion anymore.

I had to give that fucking shucker two tickets to "Hamilton."

Who knows if he's gonna keep his trap shut?

- Yeah. - Yeah, and by the way,

you were at the table the other night.

Bridget-- you heard that, what she was going on about.

- That's some good-ass dick stories, man. - Horrifying.

She could be talking that way about me.

If you're so goddamn worried about it,

make her sign an agreement that she won't fucking talk.

What do you mean, like a nondisclosure agreement?

Fucking non-disclosure. Make her sign that shit.

You know, they have it for housekeepers.

You know, then-- so they can't talk about it.

They should have that for sex.

They should have it for sex, but they don't.

People don't sign "fuck documents."

- If you nervous about your johnson... - ( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

...make her sign some shit.

( SIGHS )

- Take it. - Huh?

I'm done.

- You all right? - No, I'm not. I'm not all right.

- Oh, Jesus. - Can we sit down?

- Yeah, yeah. Come in here. - All right.

JEFF: Susie sprained my dick.

What?

Wearing that hat has been nothing but a curse for me.

She took my dick to places it wasn't meant to go.

So far to the right, so far to the left.

- Back and forth. - You need a dick chiropractor.

Dick chiropractor? There's dick chiropractors?

Yeah.

- Of course there are. - Really?

You know how many times I fucked my dick up?

- Several times. - Oh, it's just--

It's the worst thing I've ever experienced.

I'm taking these. I'm popping these.

This just cuts the pain.

- Do you have any extra? - Yeah, sure.

- Lin-Manuel landed on my shoulder. - I remember.

- I'm in terrible pain. - Yeah, I remember.

- But be careful. - Thank you.

Those are really strong.

Take them only if you need them.

- Okay. Okay. - Okay?

Hey! Great news.

I've been so focused on my dick,

I forgot to tell you the good news.

The good news is I talked to his agent.

Lin-Manuel Miranda is in.

- Oh! Wow, yeah. Hey. Great. - Yeah! Yeah!

- Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah, all right.

I'm not surprised.

I told you, I said it was a sure thing.

He's getting everything he wants. Why shouldn't he be in?

I got Funkhouser invested. I got Lewis invested.

Of course, I'm still invested.

- Oh, yeah! - LEON: Wow.

- Huh? What do you think? - Oh, yeah!

- Wow. Fab. - You like it?

- I gotta check it out in the mirror. - Check it out.

LEON: He looks like a smart sheriff who's also a doctor.

He'll shoot you, then he'll stitch your ass up.

Oh, my God!

She took the plant!

- Fuck! - Mrs. Shapiro took the plant!

- That's fucked up. - Oh, my God, that is insane!

She didn't put her old-ass foot on the door,

but that's still a home invasion.

Yeah. No, I know what it is,

but, I mean, she is-- You know, she's mental.

- She's out of her mind. - She didn't have to steal.

A home invasion's a fucking home invasion, you know?

That's a home invasion.

She came in your house without permission.

You-- you better get rid of the do-rag.

Black man showing up at her door with a do-rag?

- She'll have a heart attack. - ( CHUCKLES ) She'll be fine.

It's in the same family as a scarf, as a ascot, as a pocket square.

- Same fucking family. - I don't think

that's in the scarf, ascot, pocket square family.

The same goddamn family. Are you kidding me?

( STUTTERS ) I don't like the optics.

She's gonna be fine. I promise you, man.

Fuck that. Knock on that shit aggressively.

The hell you give a fuck about-- this some bullshit.

Oh! What are you doing here? Two of you?

- Hey! My plant. - Wait-- wait a minute.

- ( LEON SCOFFS ) - That's not your plant.

- Yeah. - That's my plant.

Oh, no, it's not your plant.

You came to my house and you stole my plant. Come on.

I'm saving this plant.

I'm letting it live and flourish.

- You were letting it die. - Oh, come on.

Don't give us that green thumb shit.

- ( BARKS ) - Oh!

See, my dog doesn't like you at all.

Bella will bite you on the ankles.

I'll tell you what. We're gonna take that dog or this plant.

Oh, no, you're not taking my dog.

- You're not touching my dog. - What? No, you're not taking the dog.

- Why not? - You think I want that dog in my house?

- I take the dog-- - What?

- What are you, crazy? - Why not?

- Who's gonna walk it? - We'll take turns.

I'm not taking turns.

I'm not walking the dog. You gonna pick up its shit?

- I'll take care of it. - You'll take care of it?

Yeah, that's what 8-year-olds say when they wanna get a dog.

"I'll take care of it." And they don't do a goddamn thing.

See, you guys can't even make up your minds

what you're gonna do, so why don't you just leave?

Wait, who's that?

That's Myron, my dearly departed husband.

You know what? Let's take his hat.

No, you're not taking his hat.

No, take the whole goddamn head. Take the whole fucking head.

- The head? The whole head? - The whole goddamn head.

You think I want that head in my house?

I don't want the fucking hat.

- The hat is dumb as hell. - I'm-- big shot, I'd rather have the hat than the head.

I'm not gonna take the head. I don't want that monstrosity in my house.

He's a lot better-looking than you.

- Oh, is that so? - Mm-hmm.

- I'm an Uber four, okay? - Well, Myron was an Uber five.

- ( BARKING, GROWLING ) - ( SCOFFS ) He's not a five.

- Hey. - Let's get the fuck out of here.

Okay, you know what?

You haven't heard the last of me about this, all right?

Don't go into people's homes and steal their plants.

- I'll see you in court. - The hell you will!

- ( PHONE RINGING ) - Hello?

- Hi, Larry. It's Lin Miranda. - Oh, hey.

I'm sure you heard it from-- From Jeff already, but I'm in.

- That's great news. - I'm clearing my schedule.

It's gonna be you and me writing this thing toe to tip.

You know what, Lin, I think we're in pretty good shape.

We don't need to get into the weeds on this thing.

- The weeds are where the good stuff is. - Very dangerous in the weeds.

You can get Lyme disease in there if you're not careful.

There's treasure in the weeds and we'll pick for ticks after.

The verses are gonna be satanic.

- Okay. - Well, the other piece of good news

is that my wife, Vanessa, and her friend

are gonna be at "Hamilton" the same night as you.

Oh.

So, she'll be sitting right next to you at the show.

She's going?

Yeah, she's using the other half of my house seats,

so you'll be right next to her.

And, I mean, she's gonna see you 'cause you're going.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well, if she's going,

she'll see me because I'm going.

Of course. The ticket's for you.

Yes, you got the ticket for me

and-- and I will use the ticket you got for me,

and as a result, I-- I will be there.

I'm really excited for you guys to meet.

"Fatwa!" See you in the weeds, buddy.

( PHONE BEEPS )

Ah, Shucker.

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

No, I'll be right there. I'll be right there.

- Oh, hi. - ( MUSIC PLAYING, CHATTER )

What's going on here?

Oh, it's just a little party.

- How come I wasn't invited? - To the party?

Yeah, why wasn't I invited?

You just had dinner at my house.

I know. That was so nice and we had a great time.

Okay, so how come you're not inviting me?

Where's the reciprocity?

Well, I'm gonna reciprocate, but not this one.

You're gonna reciprocate? This was the opportunity to reciprocate.

Come to the party! I want you to come in and really warm it up.

I don't wanna go-- I don't wanna go to the party.

Now you have to go.

I wouldn't have come even if I was invited.

- Then what are you doing here? - What did you tell Ted about Tahoe?

Tahoe?

Because, um, he told me that you two were going to Tahoe.

- We are going to Tahoe. - And I said we had been there.

Right.

And he said, "Yeah, I know," and he snickered, okay?

Leading me to believe that you discussed it with him.

No offense to you,

but Ted and I don't need to sit around

talking about what you and I did in hotel rooms.

I just don't understand why you're talking Tahoe to Ted.

- I wasn't talking Tahoe to Ted. - No, you did talk Tahoe to Ted.

Otherwise there'd be no reason for Ted to talk Tahoe.

- What did he say? - He-- he said you two were going.

So what? That is not talking Tahoe.

That is mentioning a trip that's about to happen.

- Is he here? - No, he's shooting.

More shooting? Another job?

When's it gonna end?

Who's that? Is that the Shucker?

Oh, yeah. That's the Shucker from your party.

LARRY: Ah, I gotta talk to him.

- Hey, there he is. - Hey. Yeah.

I just wanna thank you for those "Hamilton" tickets.

I cannot wait. Over the moon.

Um, guess what. I got your hat.

Oh, thank God, because I've been sick without my hat.

- Where is it? - Yeah, it's-- it's in my car.

So, um, if you can get a little break,

we can go take a walk, and I'll give it to you.

Sure, that'd be great.

And, uh, I got another little thing I wanna talk to you about.

Ted is shooting a limited series in Vancouver.

I'm borrowing your Shucker for two minutes.

Ma'am.

SHUCKER: There it is.

- Oh, baby. ( CHUCKLES ) - Oh, fuck.( GROANS )

Come to Papa.

Oh, I have missed you. ( CLICKS TONGUE )

Well, got my hat.

Thanks again for those tickets.

Yeah, that's kind of what I wanna talk to you about.

Um, Lin called me up,

told me his wife was gonna be sitting next to me.

He thinks the tickets are for me, and so I have to go now.

So, I need-- sorry to say, I need the tickets back.

Well, what do you mean? That's-- that's like a-- that's like a bad horse trade.

- What are you talking about? - How are you gonna show up and sit-- sit there?

Because if she sees you there,

I am gonna be in a lot of trouble.

- All right. - Come on.

- All right, I'll get you your tickets. - Yeah?

For $2,500.

Take it or leave it.

You're quite a prick, aren't you?

It's the Shucker's way.

I don't have that kind of cash on me.

It's okay, we take credit cards.

Yeah.

Thank you.

MAN ON TV: Jarvis isn't living up

to his potential.

What's on?

"Chicago Teachers."

- No! - Yeah!

- ( SIGHS ) - Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

It's worse than the other thing we were watching.

They don't try to curse that much

on that one, though, so it's okay.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- Oh, that's good. - What do you wanna do?

- What do I wanna do? - Mm-hmm.

- You mean right now? - Mm-hmm.

Oh.

I mean, if we could do anything right now,

what would it be?

- ( SMACKS LIPS ) - Sexually.

- Well... - Mm-hmm?

- Uh... - What?

- You know. - Tell me.

I just like to get an erection, put it in a vagina.

- That's a-- - That's it?

That's about it, yeah.

That's your biggest fantasy?

I would just get on the top

and thrust until orgasm.

- Hmm. - I'm sexually a very simple man.

Oh.

Hmm.

But there is something that can change that.

Oh.

- I got something. I got something... - There we go.

Ooh! Oh! - ...that's pretty interesting.

- There you go. - ( CHUCKLING )

This is a relationship nondisclosure agreement?

- Yeah. - Is this a joke?

No, no.

You-- this is a nondisclosure agreement

that you want me to sign?

Yeah, we both-- We both have to sign it.

This is terrible! This is-- What's wrong with you?

It's-- it's just a discretion thing. You know, it's a--

"Partners prohibited from disclosing the quality of the sexual experience

or the degree of satisfaction attained"?

- It's fairly boilerplate. - There is no boilerplate, Larry.

This has never existed before.

- This is insane. - I know, it's brilliant.

- It's not brilliant. - It locks in discretion, it's--

"Partners shall not divulge any details

including the use of toys, lotions, ointments..."

What are you talking about?

- Fantastic idea. - Larry, you are out of your mind.

- No, uh-- - This is horrible.

It'll be great for our sex life.

- We can-- we can go wild. - No, it won't.

This is a great idea. I-- I wish I thought of it years ago!

I wish my ex-wife had signed one, I can tell you that!

'Cause I know she's talking, she's blabbing.

She's telling Ted Danson everything.

What happened in Tahoe--

She's told him what happened in Tahoe!

You're presenting me with a legal document.

It's the least sexy thing anyone has ever done, ever!

- It's like a prenup! - Bye.

You're not thinking this through!

This is a good-- good idea! Bridget! Bridget!

Bridget, if we had this, it'll take the boredom away!

Sign this and you'll have the wildest sex you ever imagined!

- No. - Just sign it!

- No. - Orgasms galore!

That's what I'm promising you, baby!

Orgasms galore! You won't regret it!

I'm not signing your dumb piece of paper, Larry.

Should've known this was not gonna work out.

Eddie never liked you!

Oh, the-- the kid you pretended has Asperger's?

It is not pretend. He has Asperger's.

What's your excuse?

( SIGHS )

( TAPPING ) You're missing out on Tahoe Larry!

( MUSIC PLAYING )

ANNOUNCER: You are about to enter

the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin.

This is "Judge Judy."

Larry David is suing Rose Shapiro

for trespassing at his home and stealing his ficus plant.

Larry David says that Mrs. Shapiro

has made him feel unsafe in his own home.

The defendant is countersuing Mr. David

for sole custody of the plant on grounds of plant abuse.

PETRI: All rise.

Oh, my God.

Your Honor, it's case number 249 on the calendar in the matter of David vs. Shapiro.

- Thank you. - You're welcome, Judge.

Parties have been sworn in. You may be seated.

Oh, my fucking God!

- JUDY: When was that? - Five years ago.

Subsequently, several weeks ago,

you, without invitation,

- came into the house. - Oh...

( CHUCKLES ) That's him!

That's the guy. That's the guy I was telling you about.

This is the guy you had all those sex stories about?

Yes, that's Larry Long Balls.

Finally, I shoo her away.

She comes back another time, uninvited,

uses her key, steals the plant.

Miss Shapiro, I see that you have some evidence here.

This is the way the plant looked

- when I found it in his house. - ( COURTROOM GASPS )

- I wanna object. Objection. - LARRY: Yeah.

- Total objection to that plant. - JUDY: Just a second.

Who are you?

This is Leon Black. He's-- he's my witness.

Does he have any relevant information

that would help-- That would help your case?

I do. This plant is like a person.

Certain parts of the year, that plant turns darker, like myself.

When I go to Florida, I turn a little darker, a shade darker.

Most of the time I carry myself in a mocha tone,

but there are some-- some parts of the year when I'm more mahogany.

Let's get finished with the various tones of Mr. Black

and let's move on to something else.

Your Honor, is it possible I could pace

while you're asking me the questions?

Would you put him in his seat?

- Mrs. Shapiro. - ROSE: Yes?

You have another exhibit underneath that

to show me what the plant looks like now?

- Yes, I do. - LARRY: Anybody want a cough drop?

You want one, Judge? Judge Sheindlin?

You want a cough drop?

It's so hard to be fair.

Byrd, give her a cough drop.

So, this is the guy you're working with?

- JUDY: Go-- shh! Uh! - Yeah.

JUDY: You went back to Mr. David's home...

- ( WATER POURING ) - ...and you stole the plant.

I would say rather than stole, rescued.

Judge, yoo-hoo! Is this filtered?

I don't know. What is he asking me?

- PETRI: If it's filtered, Judge. - It's...

- LARRY: Is it filtered? - Yes, it's filtered.

I'm sorry. That is not filtered water.

Don't drink it. Don't drink it. Put it down.

What are you putting unfiltered water-- tap water on the table for?

That's it. That's it. I'm done.

Mr. David, while I understand

that Mrs. Shapiro did the wrong thing,

I can only say to you, sir,

that anyone who would neglect a plant

in that fashion doesn't deserve to have it.

- Your case is dismissed. - ( GAVEL POUNDS )

We're done. There you go.

- This is-- what? - Good-bye.

PETRI: Parties are excused. You may step out.

This is crazy! I'm-- I'm shocked, shocked!

Are we no better than the-- The beasts in the field?

And by beasts, I'm not talking about the-- the chicken.

I'm talking about the oxen and the-- the donkey...

Oh, un-fucking-believable. - ...with its slack-jawed stare and...

- What's going on? - SUSIE: Oh, nothing.

- ( TV TURNS OFF ) - Come on into bed, cowboy.

( TOOTHBRUSH CLATTERS )

Yes, ma'am.

( CHATTER )

( HORN HONKING )

Forget it, forget it.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Hello. - Vanessa.

- Hi, Vanessa. - So nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you. I'm Larry David. - Hi, Larry, yeah.

Hi. I'm bald, I wear glasses, and-- and this is my ticket.

( CHUCKLES ) - Here to see the show. I'm very excited.

I'm right here. I'm sitting right next to you.

- How about that? - Yeah.

This is my friend, Joanna, from college.

- Hi. - Hello, hi.

- Larry. - Nice to meet you.

I'm not a shucker.

- ( JOANNA CHUCKLES ) - I enjoy clams. I do.

I like oysters, but I don't shuck.

I know a shucker, but that doesn't mean

that the shucker's gonna be here.

I'm here, not the shucker.

Do you like clams and oysters?

- They're okay. - Yeah, okay.

Well, but if you eat them, somebody's gotta shuck them.

Lin is so excited about "Fatwa!"

- Oh, "Fatwa!" Come on! - Yeah.

This is gonna be a big thing, though.

He's so excited.

He can't wait to just get in there

and start rewriting.

He shouldn't be getting into there,

he should be getting into you,

and I don't mean that in a sexual way.

I mean it in terms of time.

Don't-- don't get into the weeds of the show.

Get into your weeds, again not sexual,

but delve into you, you know.

And again, delve into you--

Nonsexual delving is what I'm saying.

A nonsexual delve.

Ay, gosh.

Shoulder. Killing me.

How'd you hurt your shoulder?

Wrestling with Lin in his agent's office.

- He threw me to the ground. - Seriously?

Yeah, yeah.

( CHUCKLES )

I've got pain pills. My friend gave me pain pills.

- Fantastic! - You want some water?

- Thank you. - Here you go.

Oh, you can keep it.

- ( MUSIC PLAYING ) - ( APPLAUSE, CHEERING )

♪ How does a bastard, orphan ♪

♪ Son of a whore and a Scotsman ♪

♪ Dropped in the middle of a forgotten... ♪ - ( YAWNS )

♪ Spot in the Caribbean by providence ♪

♪ Impoverished, in squalor ♪

♪ Grow up to be a hero and a scholar? ♪

♪ So, what happens if we win? ♪ - ♪ I go back to France ♪

♪ I'll bring freedom to my people if I'm given a chance ♪

♪ We'll be with you when you do ♪ - ♪ Go lead your men ♪

♪ I'll see you on the other side... ♪ - ( SNORING )

♪ Till we meet again ♪ - ♪ I am not throwing away my shot ♪

- ♪ I am not throwing away my shot... ♪ - Hey!

♪ Hey, yo, I'm just like my country, I'm young, scrappy, and hungry ♪

♪ And I'm not throwing away my shot ♪

♪ I am not throwing away my shot ♪

♪ Till the world turns upside down ♪

♪ Till the world turns upside down ♪

♪ I imagine death so much, it feels more like a memory ♪

♪ This is where it gets me, on my feet, the enemy ahead of me ♪

♪ If this is the end of me, at least I have a friend with me ♪

♪ Weapon in my hand, a command and my men with me... ♪

( SNORING )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

Corrected & Synced by Bakugan