Original subtitles

( helicopter blades whirring )

( music playing )

CLOSE THE CURTAINS, WILL YOU?

THANK YOU.

( projector whirring )

THE ISLAND OF IBIZA:

A SPANISH PROVINCE IN THE MEDITERRANEAN

ABOUT 50 MILES SOUTHWEST OF MAJORCA.

IBIZA IS NOT ONLY A MECCA FOR TOURISTS,

IT'S ALSO THE CENTER FOR HALLUCINATORY DRUGS.

FOR SOME TIME NOW, NARCOTICS HAVE BEEN FINDING THEIR WAY

INTO BRITISH ARMY BASES BOTH HERE AND ABROAD.

THESE DRUGS ARE OF HIGH QUALITY AND REMARKABLY CHEAP,

WHICH SEEMS TO RULE OUT AN UNDERWORLD OPERATION.

ANY OTHER ALTERNATIVE SUGGEST ITSELF?

- MOSCOW. - OF COURSE--

THE RUSSIANS TRYING TO UNDERMINE MORALE AND EFFICIENCY.

THAT, HOWEVER, IS NOT OUR PROBLEM.

OUR PROBLEM IS THAT WE HAVE POSITIVE PROOF

FROM AN AGENT IN IBIZA THAT THE RUSSIANS,

USING UNSUSPECTING HIPPIES AS GUINEA PIGS,

HAVE PERFECTED A NEW TRUTH DRUG

TO USE ON ENEMY AGENTS,

A DRUG WHICH, WHEN USED,

LEAVES THE VICTIM TOTALLY UNAWARE

THAT HE'S BEEN GIVEN IT

OR ANY INFORMATION HE MAY HAVE DIVULGED

WHILE UNDER ITS INFLUENCE.

WE ARE DESPERATE TO GET OUR HANDS ON THIS DRUG--

SO DESPERATE, WE ARE PREPARED

TO SACRIFICE A MEMBER OF THE SERVICES.

A MAN WILL BE SENT TO IBIZA

ON THE PRETEXT OF LOCATING A MISSING AGENT,

WHICH IS, IN FACT, TRUE,

AND THE RUSSIANS WILL BE INFORMED.

WHEN THEY'RE INFORMED, THE RUSSIANS WILL DO ONE OF TWO THINGS--

EITHER DISPOSE OF HIM IMMEDIATELY

OR TAKE HIM PRISONER,

IN WHICH CASE WE SHALL MOVE IN AND GET THE DRUG.

- IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A VOLUNTEER, SIR... - THANK YOU, WELLINGTON.

THE MAN I SEND TO IBIZA MUST HAVE A ROMANTIC VIEW

OF THE WORLD OF ESPIONAGE.

MOREOVER, HE MUST BE A MAN WHO,

WHEN PLACED UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THE DRUG,

WILL HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INFORMATION TO IMPART.

IN OTHER WORDS, A COMPLETE DUMMY.

Men: APPLETON PORTER, SIR.

APPLETON PORTER?

Man: HOLD YOUR FIRE!

HOLD YOUR FIRE!

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, PORTER?

THE TARGETS ARE DOWN THERE, NOT UP HERE!

MUD IN MY EYE, SIR.

MUD IN HIS EYE!

THAT'LL BE ALL FOR TODAY, PORTER.

THE OLD MAN WANTS TO SEE YOU, PORTER.

DUMMY.

Man: COME IN.

YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, SIR?

YES. COME IN, PORTER.

YES, SIR?

YOU'RE LOOKING A TRIFLE THINNER THAN WHEN I SAW YOU LAST.

IT'S THE CAMOUFLAGE, SIR.

IT MAKES YOU BLEND INTO THE SURROUNDINGS.

I UNDERSTAND. SIT DOWN.

YES, SIR.

I ASKED TO SEE YOU BECAUSE I'VE GOT

AN ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU IN THE FIELD.

THE FIELD, SIR?

YOUR NAME, UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE,

IS ARNOLD BARKER.

I HAVE HERE YOUR PASSPORT

AND DOCUMENTS RELATING TO YOUR COVER.

BUT FIRST, I'D LIKE TO PAINT THE PICTURE.

- ARE YOU READY TO ABSORB? - YES, SIR.

YOU'RE NO DOUBT AWARE THAT, FOR SOME TIME,

THE RUSSIANS HAVE BEEN TRAFFICKING DRUGS

TO OUR ARMED FORCES BOTH HERE AND ABROAD.

- NO, SIR. - WELL, THEY HAVE BEEN.

THE KREMLIN HAS BEEN AT IT FOR SOME TIME.

THE RUSSIANS HAVE LITTLE OR NO TROUBLE IN OBTAINING THE DRUG.

THEIR PROBLEM IS ONE OF CHANNELING IT.

THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION, THEREFORE,

IS TO CHANNEL THE DRUG THROUGH SOME RECOGNIZED CENTER.

ONE OF THESE CENTERS IS THE ISLAND OF IBIZA IN THE MEDITERRANEAN.

WE TRACED ONE DRUG CONNECTION

TO A BRITISH-OPERATED BOARDINGHOUSE, THE ROYAL ROSE.

HERE, THE TRAIL ENDED.

WE SENT A MAN TO STAY AS A GUEST AT THE ROYAL ROSE.

HIS COVER NAME WAS GEORGE TRENT.

TWO WEEKS AGO, HE DISAPPEARED.

YOUR JOB IS TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED.

AND THE DRUG CONNECTION?

IF YOU HAVE ANY ILLUSION ABOUT SCORING

A STARRY-EYED VICTORY BY SMASHING

A SOVIET DRUG RING, FORGET IT.

YOUR JOB IS TO FIND GEORGE TRENT--

NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.

THE NAME OF THE OPERATION IS CORNFIELD.

BE READY TO LEAVE FOR IBIZA IN THE MORNING.

YES, SIR.

MAY I TELL YOU, SIR, HOW DEEPLY I APPRECIATE

THE OPPORTUNITY YOU ARE GIVING ME

TO PROVE TO YOU WHAT I CAN DO?

THANK YOU.

- PORTER? - YES, SIR.

YOU'VE FORGOTTEN YOUR GUN.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO WITH THIS GUN, SIR?

I'M GONNA GO BACK ONTO THAT FIRING RANGE

AND I AM GOING TO QUALIFY.

BE CAREFUL WITH THAT THING.

OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. IT'S NOT LOADED.

( boat horn blaring )

( music playing )

- YOU MUST BE MR. BARKER. - YES, I AM.

- HOW DO YOU DO? - HOW DO YOU DO?

- WELCOME TO IBIZA. - THANK YOU.

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY GUESSED, MR. BARKER,

THE ROYAL ROSE IS WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE--

VERY CENTRAL, AS THE GUIDEBOOKS SAY.

MY NAME'S ARNOLD, BY THE WAY.

MONA-- MONA SMITH.

- HOW DID YOU COME TO HEAR ABOUT THE ROYAL ROSE? - A FRIEND.

HE STAYED HERE LAST SPRING.

I WASN'T HERE THEN.

I'VE ONLY OWNED THE ROSE FOR SIX MONTHS NOW.

OH, YOU'RE THE OWNER.

MANAGER, CHIEF COOK, AND BOTTLE WASHER.

WE HAVE SEVEN ROOMS AND A STAFF OF ONE.

IT'S HER DAY OFF.

THAT MAKES ME OFFICIAL GREETER AS WELL.

MY HUSBAND AND I USED TO OPERATE A TEA SHOP

IN A WELSH BORDER VILLAGE.

YOUR HUSBAND?

HE WAS KILLED IN A TRAIN ACCIDENT TWO YEARS AGO.

WHEN THE INSURANCE WAS FINALLY SETTLED,

I CAME OUT HERE ON HOLIDAY,

ENDED UP BUYING THE ROYAL ROSE.

( distant boat horn blaring )

- ARE YOU MARRIED, ARNOLD? - AM I MARRIED?

- NO, I'M NOT MAR-- - GOOD-- LOOK OUT!

WHOA!

( crowd murmuring )

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - YES, YES.

- I THINK SO. - IT WAS COMING STRAIGHT AT YOU.

- IT ALMOST LOOKED DELIBERATE. - DELIBERATE?

HA. WHO'D WANT TO RUN ME DOWN?

I MUST SAY, YOU'RE PRETTY CALM ABOUT IT.

I'D BE SHATTERED.

I'M NOT NEARLY AS CALM AS I APPEAR TO BE.

THAT'S VERY HONEST OF YOU. I LIKE THAT IN A MAN.

COME ON, THE ROYAL ROSE IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.

I'LL TAKE YOU STRAIGHT TO YOUR ROOM.

YOU CAN CHECK IN LATER AFTER YOU FRESHEN UP.

( squawks ) DOPE.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON? - DON'T MIND PERKY.

HE CALLS EVERYONE DOPE. THINKS HE OWNS THE PLACE.

( squawking )

THERE WE ARE.

NOW, JUST MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

TEA WILL BE SERVED IN THE PATIO AT 4:00,

GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO MEET THE OTHER GUESTS.

AND, ARNOLD, IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU NEED,

ANYTHING AT ALL, JUST LET ME KNOW.

YOU'RE VERY KIND.

( loud banging )

- ( engine sputtering ) - ( banging continues )

( backfiring )

Appleton: THIS REPORT IS IN SCRAMBLE MODE 7.

OPERATION CORNFIELD ARRIVED AT IBIZA ON SCHEDULE.

MET AT THE DOCK BY THE OWNER/OPERATOR

OF THE ROYAL ROSE HOTEL, ONE MONA SMITH.

NEARLY RUN DOWN BY A BLACK FOUR-DOOR FIAT,

WHICH IS THE SPANISH FIAT.

DOUBT FOUL PLAY INTENDED.

A PARROT NAMED PERKY YELLED "DOPE"

WHEN I WALKED INTO THE ROYAL ROSE HOTEL.

HOWEVER, I FEEL IT WAS NOT DRUG RELATED

INASMUCH AS HE APPARENTLY CALLS EVERYBODY DOPE.

ASSUMING FOR A MOMENT THAT THE BLACK FIAT

ACTUALLY WAS TRYING TO RUN ME DOWN,

IT IS POSSIBLE THAT TRENT WAS DISPOSED OF

BY THE OLD HIT-AND-RUN SCENARIO.

HOWEVER, I FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO BELIEVE

THAT THE SPEEDING FIAT

WAS ACTUALLY AN ATTEMPT ON MY LIFE.

I HAVE BEEN IN IBIZA LESS THAN AN HOUR

AND HAVE NO REASON TO BELIEVE THAT MY COVER IS BROKEN

OR THAT MY LIFE IS IN ANY DANGER WHATSOEVER.

- ( clanks ) - OW!

( footsteps departing )

- AH! SORRY. - OH, SORRY.

I'M MARTHA MARTA. I WORK HERE.

ARNOLD BARKER. I-- I JUST MOVED IN.

YOU HAVEN'T LOST YOUR WAY IN THIS GREAT BIG MANSION OF A PLACE, HAVE YOU?

NO, NO.

I WONDER IF YOU COULD TELL ME

WHAT DOES ONE DO WITH A SCORPION IN ONE'S ROOM?

OH, ASK ME TOMORROW.

IT'S ME DAY OFF TODAY. TA-RA.

( phone ringing )

( ringing continues )

NOVIKOV.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "TWO WRONG HALVES"?

THE GUN WAS PUT TOGETHER BY AN EXPERT FROM THE WEST--

POLISH FROM WARSAW.

THE CASE IS REAL LEATHER.

A SPEEDING CAR THAT DOES NOT HIT,

A GUN WITH HALVES THAT DO NOT FIT,

A SCORPION THAT FORGETS TO BITE--

IT IS YOUR BRAIN THAT HAS TWO WRONG HALVES!

I DO NOT HAVE PATIENCE TO LISTEN TO THESE IDIOTIC EXCUSES.

YOUR ORDERS ARE CLEAR. THAT MAN HAS TO GO.

HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD. THROW HIM OFF A MOUNTAIN.

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

YOUR JOB IS TO GET RID OF HIM, RIGHT?

SO, GET RID OF HIM. CLEAR?

HELLO.

- HELLO. - Perky: HELLO.

Appleton: WHO IS THAT WOMAN?

THAT IS MRS. ARKWRIGHT-- A BIT OF A TYRANT,

BUT SHE DOES HAVE SOME GOOD POINTS.

ONE: SHE'S GOT POTS OF MONEY.

BECAUSE SHE NEVER SPENDS ANY, AWFUL OLD BAG.

STAY OUT OF HER CLUTCHES.

SHE'LL BORE YOU INTO YOUR GRAVE.

ARNOLD BARKER, THIS IS MR. LEWIS.

- HE'S AN AMERICAN. - ARNOLD.

- CALL ME HARRY. - HOW DO YOU DO, HARRY?

- MORE TEA, HARRY? - YEAH, DON'T MIND IF I DO.

DON'T MIND AT ALL.

WHO'S THAT GENTLEMAN BEHIND THE PAPER?

Harry: THAT'S JASON LOCKE.

HE'S A DENTIST FROM LONDON, RETIRED.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GUY

THAT COULDN'T GET INTO THE DENTAL COLLEGE?

- NO. - DIDN'T HAVE ANY PULL.

( Appleton laughs politely )

WHERE DO YOU COME FROM, HARRY?

IN THE STATES, I MEAN.

TRENTON.

TRENTON, OHIO.

HAVE YOU BEEN HERE LONG?

SIX WEEKS.

- YOU MUST BE A LITTLE HOMESICK. - NO, NO.

I LIVED IN ENGLAND FOR THREE YEARS DURING THE WAR.

SERGEANT HARRY LEWIS, TAIL GUNNER.

35 MISSIONS AND NOT A SCRATCH.

I SAY, WOULD YOU STOP THOSE HORRID WAR STORIES?

PASS ME THE MILK!

- OH. - OLD BAG.

OH, UM, I--

I DON'T THINK I CAUGHT YOUR NAME.

BARKER-- ARNOLD BARKER.

ALICIA ARKWRIGHT.

YOU'RE A GOOD-LOOKING MAN, MR. BARKER.

AND YOU'RE A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN, MRS. ARKWRIGHT.

WELL, I USED TO BE A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN--

A KNOCKOUT, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

- THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. - NONSENSE.

ALICIA, DID I EVER TELL YOU

I'M FROM TRENTON, OHIO?

I HAVE BEEN LIVING AT THE ROYAL ROSE FOR 20 YEARS.

I'VE SEEN NO LESS THAN 14 OWNERS COME AND GO.

THEY ALWAYS FAIL.

RETAILING-- IS THAT WHAT YOU DO?

NO. ANIMAL HUSBANDRY.

I'M AN OVERSEER AT A GOVERNMENT-CONTROLLED EXPERIMENTAL FARM.

FROM WHERE, MR. BARKER?

I HAVE A COTTAGE IN, UM, NETHERWIELD.

- MORE MILK? - YES, YES--

- AAH! AAH! - WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

A FLOWER POT FELL OFF THE BALCONY.

IT'S DONE THAT BEFORE, YOU KNOW.

MY GOD, ARNOLD, THAT COULD'VE KNOCKED YOUR BRAINS OUT.

Alicia: LIVED HERE 20 YEARS.

SEEN THAT HAPPEN FIVE TIMES.

NOBODY'S BEEN ACTUALLY HIT, THOUGH.

THIS, I THINK, IS THE CLOSEST CALL OF ALL.

- I'M SO SORRY, ARNOLD. - OH, NO, NONSENSE.

NO. ACCIDENTS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME.

I THINK...

I'LL GO OUT FOR A LITTLE STROLL.

AGAIN?

HOW CAN YOU MISS A LARGE HEAD LIKE THAT

FROM A HEIGHT OF TWO METERS?

AND IN FULL DAYLIGHT.

NO, YOU IDIOT.

HE DID NOT GET UP FROM THE CHAIR TOO EARLY.

YOU DROPPED THE FLOWERPOT TOO LATE.

SUSPICIOUS OF WHOM?

THE AMERICAN?

OH, OR THIS OTHER ONE-- THE ENGLISHMAN?

GOOD.

VERY GOOD.

LET HIM BE SUSPICIOUS.

THROW HIM OFF.

THROW THEM BOTH OFF.

ARRANGE IT SO THEY MEET--

SOMEWHERE IN THE VILLAGE MAYBE, NO?

LET THEM HAVE A TALK.

WHAT DO I CARE HOW YOU DO IT?

JUST DO IT. IT IS YOUR JOB, IS IT NOT?

SLIP A NOTE UNDER A DOOR. SLIP A NOTE UNDER TWO DOORS.

USE THE GOOD HALF OF YOUR BRAIN.

( guitar playing )

A ROMANTIC SCENE, MR. BARKER.

'TIS INDEED, MR. LOCKE.

I'M NOT SURPRISED YOU DECIDED TO SPEND YOUR RETIREMENT YEARS HERE.

I HAVEN'T, NOT FULLY.

I SHALL HAVE TO SEE IF THE WINTER

IS AS DAMP AND CHILLING AS THE LOCALS CLAIM.

HOW DO YOU PASS YOUR DAYS, MR. LOCKE?

OH, I... WATCH THE WORLD AROUND ME.

I STUDY PEOPLE.

I AM, IF I MAY SAY SO, RATHER PERCEPTIVE.

I TRY TO PROBE BEYOND THE FACADE.

FOR INSTANCE, I HAVE THE FEELING

THAT THERE'S MORE TO YOUR PRESENCE

IN THE ROYAL ROSE THAN MEETS THE EYE.

WHAT PERCEPTIONS DO YOU HAVE

OF THE OTHER GUESTS AT THE ROYAL ROSE--

MRS. ARKWRIGHT, MR. LEWIS-- MR. LEWIS?

AH, OUR AMERICAN TAIL GUNNER, HMM?

OR SO HE SAYS.

- YOU THINK HE'S NOT WHAT HE CLAIMS TO BE? - NO.

MORE BY PERCEPTION THAN HARD PROOF.

BUT LITTLE POINTERS ALONG THE WAY

HAVE CONVINCED ME THAT OUR FRIEND HARRY

IS, IN FACT, A MEMBER OF THE C.I.A.

WELL, HE HAS ALL THE QUALIFICATIONS:

HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND A SINGLE WORD OF THE LANGUAGE,

HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA OF THE POLITICAL SITUATION IN THE AREA.

I MEAN, EVEN IF HE HAD, HE WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT SIDE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON.

I ALSO HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE

THAT HE'S INVOLVED IN SOME CLANDESTINE OPERATION

ON THE ISLANDS HERE.

WELL, YOU HEARD HIM YOURSELF.

HE POINTEDLY REPEATED THE NAME OF HIS HOMETOWN--

TRENTON. REMEMBER?

TRENTON...

VAGUELY.

I'M NOT SURE I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DRIVING AT.

SEVERAL WEEKS AGO, WE HAD A GUEST

AT THE ROYAL ROSE-- BRITISH, IT SEEMED.

A BOOKSELLER, HE SAID. A TOURIST, HE CLAIMED.

THAT MAN AND HARRY LEWIS WERE VERY FRIENDLY.

I'M STILL NOT WITH YOU.

ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO,

THAT MAN DID A MOONLIGHT FLIT.

HE WAS HERE ONE MINUTE, GONE THE NEXT.

HIS NAME, MR. BARKER, WAS GEORGE TRENT.

NOW DO YOU SEE?

I SEE THE CONNECTION BETWEEN TRENT AND TRENTON,

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

I THINK HE WAS TESTING YOU.

YOU KNOW THE SORT OF THING-- LIKE SPIES EXCHANGING

SECRET PASSWORDS TO IDENTIFY THEMSELVES.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN INVOLVED WITH ESPIONAGE, MR. LOCKE?

OH, NO. NOT AT ALL.

IT MUST BE SO EXCITING.

HARRY LEWIS WITH THE C.I.A.

WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY WANT WITH ME?

WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY THINK I AM?

WELL, I HAVE NO IDEAS.

AS I SAID, I'M MERELY AN OBSERVER.

WE'LL TALK AGAIN, I HOPE.

I WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THIS MYSTERIOUS GEORGE TRENTON.

- TRENT. - TRENT.

WELL, THANK YOU.

- GOOD NIGHT TO YOU, MR. LOCKE. - GOOD NIGHT, MR. BARKER.

Appleton: WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE SCORPION,

WHICH IN ALL PROBABILITY WAS A DELIBERATE ATTEMPT ON MY LIFE,

THE OTHER INCIDENTS--

THAT IS, THE POTTED PLANT AND THE BLACK FIAT--

COULD VERY WELL HAVE BEEN PLANNED NEAR-MISSES

DESIGNED TO WARN ME OR FRIGHTEN ME AWAY.

AS FOR JASON LOCKE, AT FIRST I THOUGHT HIM

TO BE JUST A HARMLESS OLD BACHELOR.

BUT THEN WHY DID HE MENTION

GEORGE TRENT'S DISAPPEARANCE?

AND WHY WAS HE FOLLOWING ME?

IT WOULD APPEAR OUR MR. LOCKE

WOULD BEAR SOME WATCHING.

( distant bells pealing )

- ( speaks Spanish ) - FOLLOW THAT BUS.

( engine starts )

( engine sputtering )

( engine sputtering )

( distant music playing )

( birds screeching )

ARE YOU SURE HE FOLLOWED YOU?

Jason: POSITIVE.

HE MADE A REALLY PROFESSIONAL JOB OF IT, I MAY ADD.

- I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S A BRITISH AGENT. - WHY NOT?

WELL, FOR ONE, HE'S SUCH A BLOODY FOOL.

OH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

I HAD QUITE A NICE CHAT WITH HIM LAST EVENING.

HE'S A VERY CHARMING FELLOW.

WELL, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT CHARMING;

I'M TALKING ABOUT MURDER.

THEY'VE ALREADY TRIED THREE TIMES TO KILL HIM.

THREE?

YOU DON'T THINK THAT FLOWERPOT WAS AN ACCIDENT, DO YOU?

Jason: BUT YOU SAID IT HAD HAPPENED BEFORE.

I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO GET SUSPICIOUS.

DO YOU THINK ANYONE'S TOLD HIM ABOUT THE SANDSTONE QUARRY?

WELL, I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.

( engine starts )

( boat horn blaring )

( music playing )

( music blaring )

WHAT ARE YOU--?

( both yelling )

WHAT ARE YOU--?

CUT IT OUT!

WHOOOA!

( both scream )

IT'S LIPTON'S. I TRUST IT'S ALL RIGHT.

SPLENDID. WHERE'S MONA?

OH, SHE'LL BE ALONG. MILK OR LEMON?

( castanets clacking )

HER NAME'S MARIA SOLA. SHE CHECKED IN LAST NIGHT.

SHE'S AN ENTERTAINER.

- OLE! - OLE! BRAVO!

- OLE! - THANK YOU.

I AM MARIA SOLA.

- ARNOLD BARKER. - YOU MUST BE NORTH AMERICAN.

YOU ARE SO VERY TALL.

TALLISH.

MARIA, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU ALL MORNING.

WHY DON'T YOU JOIN ME IN THE BAR FOR A SPOT OF BRANDY?

AT THIS HOUR?

HOW DISGUSTING! ALL RIGHT.

- SEE YOU AROUND, ARNOLD. - ( castanets clacking )

DOPE! ( squawks )

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY STOLE YOUR THUNDER, ARNOLD.

SHE'S VERY PRETTY, ISN'T SHE?

I HADN'T REALLY NOTICED.

MARTHA SAID YOU WANTED TO SEE ME ABOUT SOMETHING.

- I DID? - TRY TO REMEMBER.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

AH, MR. LOCKE.

AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. BARKER.

I WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THE WAY

TO THAT WONDERFUL BEACH YESTERDAY.

- I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. - IT DOESN'T MATTER.

WHAT DOES MATTER IS THAT I'VE BEEN GIVING

YOUR MR. GEORGE TRENT A LOT OF THOUGHT.

I CHECKED THE REGISTER TO FIND HIS WHEREABOUTS IN BRITAIN,

AND GUESS WHAT.

I CAN'T POSSIBLY.

THE PAGE THAT WOULD HAVE HAD HIS NAME HAS BEEN TORN OUT.

OH, THAT'S MOST CURIOUS.

POSSIBLY A MISTAKE ON SOMEBODY'S PART.

THE PLOT THICKENS. WOULDN'T YOU AGREE, MR. LOCKE?

PERHAPS.

PERHAPS I'M BEING MELODRAMATIC.

WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOME TEA, MR. LOCKE?

NO, THANK YOU. NO. ( clearing throat )

I HAVE TO BE ON MY WAY.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MR. LOCKE?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

DID YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU WANTED TO SEE ME ABOUT?

YES-- THE SANDSTONE QUARRY.

IS IT WORTH SEEING?

IT'S HARDLY A TOURIST ATTRACTION.

QUITE AN EERIE PLACE, ACTUALLY.

I NEVER DID SEE WHAT HE FOUND SO INTERESTING IN IT.

- HE? - GEORGE TRENT.

HE WAS A GUEST WHO STAYED HERE AND RAN OFF WITHOUT PAYING HIS BILL.

- HE SAID HE WENT THERE A LOT. - WELL, THEN, IT MUST BE WORTH LOOKING AT.

WHERE IS IT?

IT'S ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN.

ONE DAY I'LL PLAY GUIDE AND TAKE YOU THERE.

WHY NOT TODAY?

ALL RIGHT.

( bird screeching )

THEY USED TO USE THE SANDSTONE FOR BUILDING BLOCKS.

THE QUARRY GAVE OUT 20 YEARS AGO.

Appleton: IT'S NOT A VERY CHEERFUL PLACE.

DEPENDS ON WHO YOU'RE WITH.

I FORGOT MY CAMERA. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( thuds )

REALLY, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS.

- SAY CHEESE. - CHEESE.

( camera clicks )

BACK UP A BIT.

A BIT MORE.

MORE.

WHOA! WHOA!

OH, MY GOD, ARNOLD! YOU ALMOST FELL.

HOLD ME.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MONA.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

( gasps )

DON'T MOVE.

THE CORNER OF THE CAR IN FRONT OF YOU

HAS GONE OVER THE EDGE.

THE FRONT WHEEL ON THIS SIDE IS ALMOST THERE,

- RIGHT ON THE RIM. - ( gasps )

ONE FALSE MOVE, AND OVER WE GO.

( handbrake clicking )

IT'S A HUNDRED-FOOT DROP. I'M TERRIFIED.

JUST DON'T MOVE.

( handbrake clicking )

THERE.

THE PARKING BRAKE ON THE CITROEN DEUX CHEVAUX

IS ONE OF THE STRONGEST IN THE MOTORING WORLD.

IT HAS TO BE, SEE, TO COMPENSATE FOR THE FACT THAT THE GEARS ARE SO LIGHT.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, THE GEARS ON THE DEUX CHEVAUX ARE SO WEAK

THAT THE CAR CANNOT BE STARTED WITH MOTION--

THAT IS, A TOW OR A PUSH.

INTERESTING.

OKAY.

NOW, YOU LEAN FORWARD TOWARDS ME SLOWLY.

I'M GOING TO OPEN THE DOOR

AND WE'RE GOING TO JUMP.

- I'M GOING TO SNEEZE. - PINCH YOUR NOSE.

- ALL RIGHT? - MM-HMM.

OKAY.

MOVE THIS WAY

AND DON'T LET GO OF YOUR NOSE.

EASY.

EASY DOES IT.

OKAY. NOW!

( sneezes )

GESUNDHEIT.

I DON'T BELIEVE MY EARS.

THE CAR WENT OVER A CLIFF, EXPLODED,

AND HE GOT BACK TO THE HOTEL WITH HIS OWN TWO FEET?

WE ARE WITNESSING A RESURRECTION HERE.

ANOTHER LAZARUS!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I BELIEVE YOU.

NOW, LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY.

BECAUSE OF MY VERY GOOD NATURE,

I'M GIVING YOU ANOTHER 24 HOURS TO DISPOSE OF HIM.

NOW, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, YOU UNDERSTAND?

AND IF WE'RE ABOUT TO WITNESS ANOTHER RESURRECTION,

IT WILL BE ONE THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO PERFORM ON YOURSELF!

Maria: A ROMANTIC SPOT, ISN'T IT?

YES, IT IS.

YOU, UM, WANTED TO SEE ME?

I HEARD MRS. ARKWRIGHT AND JASON LOCKE TALKING.

- THEY SAID YOU WERE A BRITISH AGENT. - THEY DID?

- I NEED AN AGENT. - YOU DO?

- FOR MY ACT. - OH.

FLAMENCO, FLAMENCO! I'M SICK OF FLAMENCO.

I'M READY FOR BIGGER THINGS.

I'M-- I'M SURE YOU ARE.

I WISH I WAS AN AGENT, BUT I'M NOT.

OH.

OH, WELL.

IT'S STILL A ROMANTIC SPOT.

Appleton: YES. YES, IT IS.

IS IT LIKE THE SPOT MONA TOOK YOU TO?

OH, NO, NO.

NO. IT WAS MORE LIKE A... GRAVEL PIT.

BUT YOU MUST HAVE KISSED HER...

LIKE THIS.

- WHAT'S WRONG? - SOMEONE'S COMING.

A COUPLE

IN SEARCH OF SOLITUDE.

YOU SEE? A COUPLE.

A COUPLE OF HAMMERS.

( engine starts )

( clunks )

( tires screeching )

Maria: STOP HERE.

LIGHT ME.

I'LL GET OUT HERE.

I WOULD RATHER WALK THAN RIDE WITH A MAD MAN.

BUT--

GOOD NIGHT.

OPERATION CORNFIELD, DRIVE.

( distant dog barking )

KILL THE LIGHTS.

BOARD THE CHOPPER.

- GOOD EVENING, PORTER. - GOOD EVENING, SIR.

- WELL, GET IN. - YES, SIR.

I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN HOW TO FLY ONE OF THESE THINGS,

LIGHT AIRCRAFT OPERATION BEING PART OF YOUR BASIC TRAINING.

- YES, SIR. I CAN FLY IT. - GOOD.

UP.

( engine starts )

PORTER, WE'RE GOING BACKWARDS.

YES, SIR, I KNOW.

THERE WE ARE.

JUST TAKES A WHILE TO GET THE FEEL OF IT.

WELL, NOW, JUST CIRCLE THE FIELD

AND GIVE ME A REPORT ON THE PROGRESS OF YOUR MISSION.

( stammering ) UM, WELL, THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY PROGRESS,

NOT YET.

I'VE ONLY BEEN HERE TWO DAYS.

I'M PERFECTLY AWARE HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN HERE.

WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS IF ANYTHING'S HAPPENED.

YES, SIR, BUT NOTHING LEADING ANYWHERE,

AT LEAST NOT AS FAR AS I CAN SEE.

( sighs ) WELL, TELL ME.

GIVE ME ALL THE BITS AND PIECES.

WELL, THERE'S JASON LOCKE.

HE'S A RETIRED DENTIST FROM LONDON.

HE SEEMS PRETTY SUSPICIOUS.

BUT THEN AGAIN, THEY ALL DO.

HAS THERE BEEN ANY MENTION OF GEORGE TRENT?

YES. THEY TALK ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME.

THERE ARE SOME WHO THINK THAT HE SKIPPED OFF IN THE NIGHT

WITHOUT PAYING HIS BILL,

AND THE OTHERS THINK THAT FOUL PLAY WAS INVOLVED.

- FOUL PLAY? - YES.

SOMETHING ABOUT THE SANDSTONE QUARRY.

- I NEARLY FELL IN MYSELF. - FELL IN?

YEAH, JUST BEFORE MY CAR WENT OVER THE CLIFF.

AM I TO UNDERSTAND THERE HAVE BEEN ATTEMPTS ON YOUR LIFE?

FIVE, INCLUDING THE FLOWERPOT.

BUT, IN ALL HONESTY, I THINK ONLY THE SCORPION IN MY BED

AND THE TWO RUSSIANS TRYING TO RUN ME DOWN TONIGHT

WERE THE ONLY DEFINITE THRUSTS IN MY DIRECTION.

YOU'D BETTER TAKE THIS.

NOT EXACTLY A CANNON, BUT IT HAS SLIGHT RECOIL.

AN 800-POUND IMPACT AT 20 FEET.

THANK YOU, SIR. DO I HAVE TO SIGN FOR IT?

NO.

ARE THERE ANY FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS?

YES: STAY ALIVE.

- GOOD MORNING! - Perky: HELLO!

- NOT SO FAR IT HASN'T BEEN. - Perky: DOPE!

MONA WAS OUT LATE LAST NIGHT,

DECIDED TO SLEEP IN, LEAVES ALL THE WORK TO ME.

SLAVE DRIVER, THAT'S WHAT SHE IS.

ONE CAN ALWAYS QUIT.

- YOU CAN'T. - BEG YOUR PARDON?

LOOK, ARNOLD, I KNOW IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT UP TO ANYTHING,

BUT I THINK I OUGHT TO TELL YOU.

- TELL ME WHAT? - I KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY ARE-- YOUR JOB.

- ( cup clatters ) - MY JOB?

MM. WHEN I WAS TAKING CLEAN TOWELS TO YOUR ROOM YESTERDAY,

I FOUND THIS ON THE FLOOR.

WELL, YOU MUST HAVE DROPPED IT.

DON'T WORRY, I WON'T SAY ANYTHING TO THE OTHERS.

I'LL GET YOUR BREAKFAST, INSPECTOR.

GOOD GRIEF. SCOTLAND YARD.

Harry: OH, THERE YOU ARE!

GUESS WHAT HAPPENED.

OLD JASON LOCKE TOOK OFF LAST NIGHT.

DIDN'T SAY "GOODBYE" OR "GO TO HELL."

PROBABLY LEFT A BILL.

THEY USUALLY DO WHEN THEY SNEAK OFF.

MR. LOCKE DID NOT SNEAK OFF.

HIS BILL WAS PAID AND HE LEFT HIS KEY.

- HE CHECKED OUT? - NOT EXACTLY. BUT HE'S A GROWN MAN.

- HE CAN COME AND GO AS HE LIKES. - Appleton: HE LIKES IBIZA.

HE WAS PLANNING TO SPEND HIS RETIREMENT HERE THIS YEAR.

APPARENTLY HE CHANGED HIS MIND.

Alicia: OR SOMEBODY CHANGED IT FOR HIM!

MR. LOCKE DID NOT CHECK OUT OF THIS ESTABLISHMENT.

HIS SUITCASES ARE UP IN THE ATTIC.

( car approaching )

( barking )

SIC.

SIC. SIC.

BITE.

BITE, BITE, BITE.

IT SEEMS THERE IS A DISAGREEMENT

AS TO WHO WAS THE LAST TO SEE MR. LOCKE.

I BELIEVE I WAS.

THAT WOULD'VE BEEN ABOUT 4:00.

4:00.

AND WAS HE ACTING STRANGE IN ANY WAY?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE WAS.

THAT'S WHY I FEEL SURE SOMETHING IS WRONG.

MR. LOCKE WAS UPSET, WHICH IS COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER.

HMM. DID YOU AND HE TALK, MRS. ARKWRIGHT?

BRIEFLY.

HE SAID HE HAD SOMEWHERE TO GO.

I TOLD HIM NOT TO FORGET OUR CHESS GAME.

AND HE SAID HE WOULD NOT

BE PLAYING THAT EVENING.

A STATEMENT THAT COULD FIT

WITH A PERSON WHO WAS ABOUT TO SLIP AWAY COVERTLY.

Harry: HE DIDN'T SLIP AWAY.

NO, I SAW HIM AFTER 4:00. MUST'VE BEEN AROUND 6:00.

6:00.

AND WAS HE UPSET, MR. LEWIS?

NOT A BIT. I WAS IN THE BAR.

I SAW HIM CROSS THE LOBBY. HE SEEMED FINE TO ME.

A MAN WHO SPENDS HALF HIS LIFE BEHIND BARS

RARELY KNOWS WHAT TIME IT IS.

( laughing )

BEHIND BARS?

- YOU HAVE BEEN IN PRISON, MR. LEWIS? - NO, NO, NO, NO.

SHE MEANS THAT I DRINK A LOT.

- I SEE. - ( footsteps approaching )

WHO HAVE WE HERE?

MR. BARKER-- ARNOLD BARKER.

Perky: DOPE.

PERHAPS YOU WOULD CARE TO OFFER AN OPINION, MR. BARKER?

AN OPINION?

AS TO WHAT HAPPENED TO MR. LOCKE.

OH, I-- I HAVE REALLY NO IDEA.

I HAVE ONLY BEEN HERE A FEW DAYS

AND I-- I HARDLY KNEW THE MAN.

SORRY, I-- I CAN'T HELP YOU.

Martha: OH, YES, YOU CAN.

GO ON, TELL HIM, ARNOLD. TELL HIM WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

- WHAT? - MR. BARKER'S A DETECTIVE.

HE'S FROM SCOTLAND YARD. HE'S GOT A CARD TO PROVE IT.

- I'VE SEEN-- - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S-- IT'S A MISTAKE, A JOKE.

I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH SCOTLAND YARD.

BUT YOU HAVE AN IDENTIFICATION CARD.

- I'VE SEEN IT. - NO, NO, NO. IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, THAT CARD.

I MEAN, YOU CAN BUY THEM IN ANY LONDON JOKE SHOP.

THEY SELL THEM TO THE TOURISTS BY THE THOUSANDS.

THEY TAKE YOUR PICTURE, AND THEN THEY PUT IT ON RIGHT WHILE YOU'RE WAITING.

WHERE IS THIS CARD, MR. BARKER?

I-- I DON'T-- I DON'T THINK I...

OH, YES, I-- YES, I DO.

I'M QUITE PROUD OF IT, ACTUALLY.

IT LOOKS SO OFFICIAL.

I'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN WITH IT.

WHAT I DO IS I LEAVE IT LYING ABOUT

AND SEE THE FINDER'S REACTION.

THAT'S HOW SHE SAW IT. ISN'T IT, MARTHA?

IMPERSONATING AN OFFICER OF THE LAW.

NO, NO, NO, NO. NOTHING LIKE THAT.

NO, FUN-- PLAIN FUN.

I THINK YOU HAD BETTER COME ALONG

TO THE POLICE STATION, MR. BARKER.

PLEASE.

( distant bells pealing )

EXCUSE ME FOR TAKING SO LONG.

OH, IT'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.

YOU DO NOT, OF COURSE, HAVE A CRIMINAL RECORD.

NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT, BUT YOU HAD TO CHECK.

WE ALSO CHECKED ON JASON LOCKE,

AND I AM HAPPY TO REPORT WE HAVE FOUND THE MISSING GENTLEMAN.

OH, GOOD. I'M DELIGHTED.

HE IS AT THE SACRED HEART CLINIC WITH A HEAD WOUND.

IT WOULD APPEAR HE FELL

INTO A SANDSTONE PIT.

IT IS A COMMON ACCIDENT HERE FOR THE TOURISTS.

OH, IS IT? HOW CURIOUS.

IF INDEED IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

IS MR. LOCKE SUGGESTING THAT HE WAS ATTACKED?

MR. LOCKE IS UNABLE TO CLAIM ANYTHING AT THE MOMENT.

HE'S STILL UNCONSCIOUS.

WHEN HE COMES TO, POSSIBLY HE CAN TELL US HOW HE LANDED IN THE PIT

AND WHAT KIND OF MAGIC HE USED TO GET HIMSELF

FROM THE SANDSTONE QUARRY TO THE CLINIC.

BUT PERHAPS YOU HAVE THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION ALREADY.

NO.

THIS IS YOURS.

AREN'T THEY FUN?

THE CARD, AS YOU VERY WELL KNOW, IS GENUINE.

YOU HAVE BEEN CLEARED BY SCOTLAND YARD.

GOOD DAY, DETECTIVE INSPECTOR BARKER.

GOOD DAY, CAPTAIN. THANK YOU.

( squawking )

Harry: HEY, ARNOLD, GUESS WHAT! THEY FOUND HIM!

HE'S IN THE CLINIC WITH A BATTERED HEAD.

I WAS RIGHT! FOUL PLAY!

ARNOLD, WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND THE COPS?

WELL, THEY CHECKED WITH LONDON AND FOUND OUT

I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT THE SCOTLAND YARD CARD.

- OH, I FEEL SUCH A FOOL. - IT'S MY FAULT.

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU STRAIGHT OFF IT WAS A JOKE.

POOR MR. LOCKE-- GETTING HIT OVER THE HEAD IS NO JOKE.

AND WHEN HE WAKES UP, SOMEBODY IS GONNA BE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

ATTEMPTED MURDER-- THAT'S WHAT I CALL IT.

THAT IS NOT OUR PROBLEM, OKAY?

- I COULD USE A DRINK. - I THINK WE ALL COULD.

( all shouting )

COME ON, EVERYBODY.

- EACH AND EVERY BODY GET A BOTTLE AND-- - RIGHT.

OLE!

- ( pops ) - MY GLASS IS EMPTY!

GOOD GRIEF.

COME HERE, MY DEAR, AND I'LL BUY YOU ANOTHER ONE.

A TOAST TO EVERY INJURED PERSON IN THE WORLD.

- INJURED PEOPLE. - INJURED!

- AND THE QUEEN! - Others: THE QUEEN!

HEY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE GUY WHO WAS AT DEATH'S DOOR

AND THE DOCTOR WAS TRYING TO PULL HIM THROUGH?

YOU HEARD IT.

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED TO ME

AT THE POLICE STATION, MONA.

- YOU ALREADY DID... TWICE. - I DID?

THEN I'M DRUNK, AND I MUST BE ON MY WAY.

Harry: HEY, ARNOLD, DO THE POLICE HAVE ANY IDEA

WHO MAY HAVE SMASHED OLD JASON ON THE HEAD?

THEY DID NOT, AND THEY DID NOT HAVE ANY IDEA

WHO TOOK HIM FROM THE SANDSTONE PIT TO THE CLINIC.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MARIA?

- I WOULDN'T KNOW. - NO, OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T.

- HOW DID YOU? - HOW DID I WHAT?

- KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. - OH, THE CAPTAIN TOLD ME.

BUT IF MR. LOCKE WAS UNCONSCIOUS

WHEN HE ARRIVED AT THE CLINIC

AND IS STILL UNCONSCIOUS,

HOW DID THEY KNOW HE WAS BROUGHT FROM THE QUARRY?

ELEMENTARY, MY DEAREST WATSON.

HIS SHOES WERE COVERED WITH SANDSTONE.

Harry: THAT SOUNDED A LITTLE COMPLICATED TO ME.

WHY DON'T WE ALL JUST WAIT UNTIL JASON WAKES UP

AND ASK HIM WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

THAT'S THE FIRST INTELLIGENT THING

I EVER HEARD YOU SAY, HARRY LEWIS.

THANK YOU, MA'AM.

WELL, NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'LL GO AND WATER MY GERANIUMS.

- GOOD NIGHT, ALL. - Others: GOOD NIGHT!

- GOOD NIGHT. - 'NIGHT.

( indistinct chatter )

Appleton: HIS HAND WAS SHAKING

AND THE DOCTOR SAID TO HIM...

"DO YOU DRINK A LOT?"

AND HE SAID, "NO, I SPILL MOST OF IT."

( door closes, lock clicks )

I'LL WAIT FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.

( bell tolling )

( sirens approaching )

( squawking )

( mimicking siren )

( sirens continue )

( alarm bell ringing )

GOOD GRIEF.

( squawking )

PERKY.

( coughing )

( screeching )

( squawking )

Man: GET THE NET! GET THE NET!

HERE.

- Alicia: JUST JUMP! - Harry: JUMP, ARNOLD!

JUMP! JUMP, ARNOLD!

- JUMP! - ALL RIGHT, JUMP! COME ON, GET OUT OF THERE!

- Martha: JUMP! - JUMP!

- ( applause ) - ( squawking )

- ARNOLD, YOU ALL RIGHT? - YEAH.

BE A GOOD FELLOW AND TAKE CARE OF PERKY, WOULD YOU?

TAKE CARE OF PERKY.

ARNOLD, ARNOLD! HEY, ARNOLD!

PERKY!

BITE.

SIC.

( barks )

( barks )

( soft bark )

SIC.

BITE.

- BITE. - ( whimpers )

( sighs )

LOOK, ALL I WANNA DO IS GET INTO THAT HOUSE.

DON'T ASK ME WHY.

I JUST THINK THAT THE ANSWER TO ALL MY PROBLEMS IS IN THERE.

- DO YOU UNDERSTAND? - ( whines )

GOOD.

MY NAME IS ARNOLD.

WELL, IT ISN'T REALLY, BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THAT I GET INTO THAT HOUSE.

THIS IS MY FIRST MISSION, AND I'M NOT DOING VERY WELL.

AND I MAY NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE

IF I FOUL THIS UP, NOT EVER.

( whimpers )

WE'RE GONNA BE FRIENDS, ARE WE, HMM?

WE'RE GONNA BE FRIENDS, HUH?

OH, WE'RE GONNA BE GOOD FRIENDS, AREN'T WE?

YES.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME, SO I SHOULD GIVE YOU A NAME.

BRUCE.

OKAY, BRUCE,

YOU WANNA COME FOR A STROLL WITH ME, BRUCE?

OKAY, COME ON. LET'S GO.

COME ON WITH ME. COME ON, COME ON. GOOD BOY.

( soft chatter )

THEY'VE GOT ANGUS.

STAY.

PORTER?

WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING HERE?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YES, SIR.

ALLOW ME TO PRESENT AGENT 11.

OH.

UH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE BEING HELD PRISONER.

AND YOU WANTED TO SAVE ME?

OH, THAT WAS MOST CONSIDERATE OF YOU,

BUT I'M SURE YOU COULD HAVE FOUND

SOME OTHER WAY OF ACHIEVING YOUR OBJECTIVE.

BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE,

I MAY AS WELL FILL YOU IN ON WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING.

- WON'T YOU SIT DOWN? - YES, SIR.

- THANK YOU. - NOW TO THE NUB.

GEORGE TRENT-- WE DIDN'T KNOW WHO HAD HANDLED HIM,

SO WE SENT YOU TO FIND OUT.

- THAT MUCH YOU'RE AWARE OF. - YES, SIR.

WHAT YOU'RE NOT AWARE OF, OF COURSE,

IS THE REAL REASON YOU WERE SENT HERE.

IT'S SOMETIMES REFERRED TO IN THE TRADE AS AN INVITATION WALTZ.

IN OTHER WORDS, THE BEST WAY TO GET

A MAN TO REMOVE HIS MASK IS TO TAKE OFF ONE'S OWN.

SO IT WAS DECIDED TO LET THE VILLAIN

KNOW YOU WERE COMING AND WHY.

- CLEAR? - YES, SIR.

IN ORDER TO HELP THE WALTZ ON A LITTLE BIT,

WE LEFT A FEW GAPS IN YOUR BRIEFING--

WHY YOU WERE STAYING AT THE ROYAL ROSE, FOR INSTANCE.

YOU WOULD HAVE TO RELY ON INVENTION.

HOPEFULLY, YOUR LIES WOULD BE SEEN THROUGH.

- HOPEFULLY? - YES.

YOU WILL BE TAKEN AS A FRIEND OF GEORGE TRENT'S,

INVESTIGATING HIS DISAPPEARANCE

OR, ALTERNATIVELY, A POLICEMAN DOING THE SAME.

SO, AN IMITATION IDENTITY CARD

WAS PLACED IN YOUR ROOM,

SAYING THAT YOU WERE FROM SCOTLAND YARD.

IMITATION? SCOTLAND YARD CLEARED IT AS GENUINE.

WELL, THEY WERE DOING US A FAVOR.

WE'VE DONE THEM SO MANY.

SO, WHAT YOU WERE USING WAS THE WHITE HUNTER SCENARIO--

THE GOAT TO CATCH THE TIGER.

THE GOAT IS TIED IN A CLEARING

SURROUNDED BY PITS, AND THE TIGER FALLS

INTO ONE OF THOSE PITS WHEN HE IS ATTRACTED

BY THE BLEATING OF THE GOAT.

EXACTLY. YOU WERE THE BAIT.

IT'S JUST THAT SO OFTEN THE TIGER AVOIDS THE PITS AND KILLS THE GOAT.

THAT WAS A CHANCE WE HAD TO TAKE.

WHY?

VERY GOOD QUESTION. THE ANSWER IN DUE COURSE.

AH, TEA!

YOU'RE PROBABLY CURIOUS ABOUT JASON LOCKE'S INVOLVEMENT IN ALL THIS.

HE'S AS HARMLESS AS OLD MRS. ARKWRIGHT

OR THAT COLONIAL FELLOW.

- WHAT WAS HIS NAME? - HARRY LEWIS.

QUITE SO, YES.

TWO SUGARS, ISN'T IT?

YES, PLEASE, MARIA.

I'LL CALL YOU THAT, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

MARIA SOLA--

I RATHER LIKE THE NAME, ACTUALLY.

Angus: AS I WAS SAYING,

JASON LOCKE CAME INTO IT BY CHANCE.

A NOTE TELLING YOU TO GO TO THE STONE QUARRY THE NIGHT BEFORE LAST

WAS PLACED UNDER HIS DOOR INSTEAD OF YOURS.

SO HE TOOK A TAXI.

AND WHEN HE GOT THERE, HE WAS MISTAKEN FOR ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS,

BASHED OVER THE HEAD, AND LEFT FOR DEAD.

THE REST YOU KNOW.

WELL, OF COURSE, WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW

IS THAT WE MADE A TELEPHONE CALL

LATE LAST NIGHT TO THE ROYAL ROSE

SAYING THAT MR. LOCKE HAD RECOVERED CONSCIOUSNESS

AND WANTED TO TELL YOU WHO HAD ATTACKED HIM.

- SO THE WOMAN GOT YOU DRUNK... - WOMAN?

...LOCKED YOU IN THE ATTIC, AND SET FIRE TO THE BUILDING.

SHE WAS ON HER WAY TO THE CLINIC TO DEAL WITH MR. LOCKE

WHEN WE APPREHENDED HER AND TOOK HER INTO CUSTODY.

YES, THE VILLAIN IS A LADY.

BRING HER IN, WILL YOU?

YES, SIR.

Angus: BY THE WAY, WE IN THE SERVICE

DON'T WANT THE RUSSIANS TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE INVOLVED IN THIS.

SO IF YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH DURING THE NEXT INTERVIEW,

YOU'LL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

COME ALONG, COME ALONG. GET YOURSELF IN HERE.

- WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL NIGHT. - WHAT IS ALL THIS?

GONNA PLAY IT THAT WAY, ARE WE?

SIT DOWN.

YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE.

MAYBE YOU THINK WE DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, NOT IN THE LEAST. - RIGHT.

TO SHOW YOU WHAT A SWEET GUY I AM, I'LL PLAY IT YOUR WAY.

I'LL SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU.

WE'RE BUSINESSMEN.

WE OPERATE ALL OVER EUROPE.

MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION YOU MIGHT CALL US,

BUT WE DON'T HAVE NO OFFICES, WE DON'T KEEP NO BOOKS.

YOU WON'T FIND US LISTED ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE.

NOW I'LL DO A BIT MORE SPELLING FOR YOU.

JUST IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN WHO YOU ARE,

YOU'RE A RUSSKI.

YOU WORK FOR MOSCOW, K.G.B.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT ACID, COKE, HORSE.

THAT'S A LOVELY BIT OF STUFF YOU PEOPLE ARE RUNNING.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE GOING TO TAKE OVER THE OPERATION.

FIRST, WE HAVE TO KNOW THE NAME OF THE INCOMING CONNECTION.

ONCE WE KNOW THE SUPPLIER, HE'LL SWITCH TO US.

MONEY TALKS. IF IT DOESN'T, WE USE MUSCLE.

- I THINK YOU'RE WITH ME NOW. - NOT AT ALL.

OH HO, COME ON, LADY.

WE KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU.

YOU GAVE YOURSELF AWAY FROM THE START,

DIDN'T YOU, WITH THE CAR--

PUSHING ARNOLD A LITTLE BIT TOO HARD SO IT MISSED HIM.

THE SCORPION, THE FLOWERPOT, AND ALL THE REST--

THAT LAST BIT-- GETTING HIM DRUNK,

LOCKING HIM INTO THE ATTIC, SETTING FIRE TO THE BUILDING.

HOO HOO HOO. NAUGHTY.

( sniffing )

I CAN STILL SMELL THE PETROL ON YOU.

I... WAS FILLING UP MY LIGHTER,

AND I SPILLED FLUID ON MYSELF.

OF COURSE YOU DID.

ME, I'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING,

BUT THERE'S A MAN STANDING IN THE DOORWAY WHO WON'T:

GEORGE TRENT.

YOU HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD IN THE SANDSTONE QUARRY,

THE SAME AS YOU DID JASON LOCKE.

- HELLO, MONA. - Angus: THAT'LL BE ALL, GEORGE.

( door closes )

WELL, NOW WE'VE GOT THAT SETTLED,

I DON'T THINK WE NEED WASTE ANY MORE TIME.

WE CAN MAKE YOU TALK, YOU KNOW.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

JUST TO SHOW YOU WHAT A SWEET GUY I AM,

I'M GOING TO LET ARNOLD TALK TO YOU ALONE.

MAYBE HE CAN MAKE YOU SEE THE LIGHT.

IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, TOO BAD.

NO ONE CAN SAY I HAVEN'T TRIED.

LIKE I SAID, I'M A VERY SWEET GUY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HIM?

I CAN'T. IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT.

I MADE SUCH A MESS OF THINGS.

WELL, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

- I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW? - YES, I KNOW.

- AND I'M GLAD I FAILED. - SO AM I.

I DO ADMIT SOMETIMES IT WAS STUPIDITY,

LIKE THE CAR.

I WAS THE ONE WHO MOVED THE LOG FROM THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF.

THEN I FORGOT AND GOT IN WITH YOU.

- THAT WASN'T VERY SMART, I'M AFRAID. - NO.

BUT, LIKE I SAID, MOSTLY IT WAS BECAUSE MY HEART WASN'T IN IT.

THIS WAS MY FIRST FIELD ASSIGNMENT.

BEFORE THEY JUST USED ME AS A COURIER.

THE ONLY REASON THEY GAVE ME THIS JOB

IS BECAUSE ALL THE GOOD AGENTS WERE BUSY.

YOU SEE, I'VE NEVER TOUCHED THE TOP IN ANYTHING.

NEITHER HAVE I.

- COMPLETE DUMMY, YOU MIGHT SAY. - COMPLETE.

I ACTUALLY HATE THIS WORK.

I WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HARM MY COUNTRY

OR THE SERVICE; I JUST HATE IT.

BUT THEY WON'T ALLOW YOU TO QUIT.

AND ONCE I'M BACK BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN, I'LL NEVER GET OUT AGAIN.

I'LL BE DOOMED TO MOSCOW AND COLD FEET FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

HE'LL BE COMING BACK SOON.

I DON'T THINK I COULD STAND TORTURE.

I'M NOT TERRIBLY BRAVE.

I SUPPOSE I'LL TELL HIM EVERYTHING HE WANTS TO KNOW,

- EVEN ABOUT THE DRUG. - THE DRUG?

THE ONE WHEN GIVEN TO A SECRET AGENT MAKES THEM TELL EVERYTHING THEY KNOW,

THE ONE YOU WERE SENT HERE TO FIND.

I WAS SENT TO FIND?

WE WERE TIPPED BY BRITISH INTELLIGENCE THAT YOU WERE COMING.

THAT'S WHY IT WAS DECIDED TO DO AWAY WITH YOU.

SON OF A BITCH.

THAT'S THE CODE NAME OF THE AGENT WHO LEAKED THE INFORMATION.

ANGUS WATKINS.

CAN YOU FLY A HELICOPTER?

OF COURSE. PART OF MY BASIC TRAINING.

THOUGHT SO.

SPIES CAN DO ANYTHING, INCLUDING GETTING YOU OUT OF HERE.

COME ON.

NO, I CAN'T LET YOU DO IT!

IF YOU HELP ME, YOU'LL BE RUINED.

LET ME WORRY ABOUT THAT, ALL RIGHT? LET'S GO.

- NO! - LOOK, REMEMBER ME?

I'M THE GUY YOU TRIED TO KILL FIVE TIMES.

- THEN WHY? - BECAUSE...

YOU'D DO THE SAME FOR ME IF IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND, OKAY?

IT'S OKAY. HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.

BRUCE.

- ( barks ) - BRUCE, COME ON, BOY.

( barking )

BRUCE, COME ON.

( engine starts )

- READY TO ABSORB? - READY.

IT'S A 20-MINUTE FLIGHT TO MAJORCA.

ONCE YOU'RE THERE, TAKE A BOAT AND DOUBLE BACK TO THE MAINLAND.

GO TO A TOWN CALLED BENIDORM ON THE COSTA DEL SOL.

IT'S NOT ONLY PARADISE; IT'S THE MELTING POT

OF EVERY NATIONALITY IN EUROPE.

YOU CAN GET LOST THERE. TAKE A NEW IDENTITY, START OVER AGAIN.

THEY'LL NEVER FIND YOU. I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT ABOUT DOING IT MYSELF.

HELPING ME LIKE THIS-- HOW WILL YOU GET AWAY WITH IT?

I'LL TELL THEM YOU GOT ME IN A JUDO HOLD AND TOOK MY GUN AWAY.

- DO YOU HAVE A GUN? - YEAH.

YEAH, IT'S HERE SOMEWHERE.

HERE IT IS. CAREFUL, IT'S LOADED.

- I DON'T LIKE GUNS. - WELL, NEITHER DO I.

DID ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MAN, APPLETON PORTER?

- NO. - WELL, YOU ARE.

DO YOU THINK THEY'LL FOLLOW US?

I KNOW THEY WILL. HOLD ON.

( dog barking )

- GOOD LUCK. - I LOVE YOU.

( engine starts )

LIKE I SAID, A COMPLETE DUMMY!

( whines )

Angus: AND IN CONCLUSION, I CAN ONLY SAY

OPERATION CORNFIELD WAS A COMPLETE FAILURE.

THE ONLY GOOD THING IS IT WILL GO DOWN

AGAINST APPLETON PORTER'S RECORD, NOT MINE.

AS FOR APPLETON, HE WAS, AS I HOPED,

THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB.

ONLY A DUMMY LIKE PORTER COULD HAVE GOT THAT WOMAN

OUT OF OUR HANDS AND BACK TO MOSCOW

WITHOUT HER EVER KNOWING WHAT WE WERE REALLY AFTER.

FOR OUR PART, WE HIRED A GUARD DOG

SUITABLY USELESS SO AS NOT TO SCARE OFF PORTER.

WE TOOK THE RUTHLESS LINE AND THREATENED TORTURE

AND ALSO MADE SURE THAT PORTER KNEW

WHERE THE HELICOPTER WAS FOR THE ESCAPE.

POOR PORTER.

I'M AFRAID HE TOOK HIS FAILURE RATHER BADLY.

HE ASKED FOR LEAVE, WHICH WAS GRANTED.

THOUGH, WHY ON EARTH HE WOULD WANT TO GO

TO A PLACE CALLED BENIDORM, GOD ALONE KNOWS.

Novikov: AND IN CONCLUSION, I AM PLEASED TO REPORT

THAT OPERATION CORNFIELD WAS A COMPLETE FAILURE.

WE WERE CORRECT IN GIVING THIS ASSIGNMENT

TO THE YOUNG FEMALE AGENT MONA KUZNETSOVA.

IT WAS ESTABLISHED BEFOREHAND THAT SHE WAS

PROPERLY VULNERABLE, PROPERLY INEXPERIENCED,

AND WAS BASICALLY INCAPABLE OF KILLING A MAN,

AND AN ATTRACTIVE WESTERN MAN AT THAT.

OUR AGENTS ON IBIZA WERE CERTAIN

SHE WOULD HAVE SOON DEFECTED ANYWAY.

AS FOR HER SO-CALLED BACKUP TEAM,

IT CONSISTED OF TWO RATHER SLUGGISH MEN

ESPECIALLY CHOSEN FOR THE PURPOSE.

THEY WERE GIVEN UNMATCHING RIFLE PARTS

AND A FAULTY SPANISH CAR,

TYPICAL EXAMPLE OF WESTERN TECHNOLOGY.

AS A RESULT, THE ENGLISHMAN PORTER

MANAGED TO ESCAPE EVERY TIME,

THEREBY DENYING THE BRITISH

THE ONE THING THEY WANTED MOST:

A CONFRONTATION

AND A CHANCE TO LEARN THE NATURE OF THE DRUG.

IN A WAY, I'M SORRY FOR THE ENGLISHMAN PORTER.

HE FACES SEVERE PUNISHMENT

FOR NOT ALLOWING HIMSELF TO BE KILLED.

MONA KUZNETSOVA IS NOW SOMEWHERE IN THE WEST,

NO DOUBT FEARING FOR HER LIFE.

SHE'S NOT AWARE OF THE FACT

THAT WE DO NOT INTEND TO BOTHER HER IN ANY WAY.

OUR ORGANIZATION IS BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER.

THIS IS COLONEL NOVIKOV. END OF REPORT.

( music playing )

♪ IT WAS A HOTBED ♪

♪ OF SUSPICION AND INTRIGUE ♪

♪ WE FOUND OURSELVES WAY BEYOND OUR LEAGUE ♪

♪ THE WORLD OF SECRET CODES ♪

♪ OF WHISPERED WORDS AND SPIES ♪

♪ IT'S FUN TILL IT EXPLODES ♪

♪ I THINK IT'S TIME TO STEAL AWAY NOW ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LET'S TAKE OUR LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LET'S TAKE OUR LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ THEY TRIED TO FOOL US ♪

♪ CONFUSED US ♪

♪ WHILE WE LOST OUR BEARINGS ♪

♪ BUT WE NEVER LOST OUR STUFF ♪

♪ THE WORLD OF SECRET CODES ♪

♪ OF WHISPERED WORDS AND SPIES ♪

♪ IT'S FUN TILL IT EXPLODES ♪

♪ I THINK IT'S TIME TO STEAL AWAY NOW ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LET'S TAKE OUR LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LET'S TAKE OUR LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ IF THEY TREAT LOVE ♪

♪ LIKE A GAMBIT ♪

♪ JUST ANOTHER ♪

♪ HEARTLESS SCAM ♪

♪ THEN YOU HAVE TO ♪

♪ RESCUE LOVE AND ♪

♪ TAKE IT ON THE LAM ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LET'S TAKE OUR LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LET'S TAKE OUR LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LET'S TAKE OUR LOVE ON THE LAM ♪

♪ LET'S DO IT UNDERCOVER ♪

♪ LOVE ON THE LAM. ♪