All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s04e03 Death of a Fruitman

Still no sign ofGianelli.

If Mr. Gianelli doesn't get here soon with
Dr. Hartley's cake, he's gonna ruin the surprise.

What surprise? We have a party
for Dr. Hartley on the same clay every year.

Mr Gianelli always ruins everything.

Yeah. We should never have let him in the group.
He's a pain in the duff.

-I hate him.
- Me too.

Course, I hate everybody.

- Boys, boys, is this a time for hatred?
- You're darn right it is.

And I've got good reason to hate him.
He calls me a twerp.

You are a twerp.

How'd you like a fist sandwich?

- I'm gonna get some coffee.
- This is all Gianelli's fault.

- Then he's the one who should receive
the fist sandwich. - [Knocking]

- Who is it?
- It's, uh, Dr. Hartley.

I didn't wannajust barge in,
in case some sort of surprise was being set up.

Surprise.

- Oh, hi. Hi, everybody.
- [ Michelle] Hi.

I was just noticing on my calendar
that today is, uh...

uh, the fourth anniversary
of our being a group together.

Yes. And when Mr. Gianelli gets here,
we're going to surprise you.

I love surprises.
I thinkl can even, uh, smell cake.

No, that's my aftershave-
chocolate.

Mr. Gianelli was supposed to bring the cake,
but as usual, he's not here.

- Well, we don't need a cake.
- No, we canjust lick Peterson's face.

Dr. Hartley, you are sitting
in Mr. Gianelli's chair.

- Well, that's all right. He's- He's not here.
- Ah, he's never here.

I think he should be kicked out of the group,
and his chair should be recycled.

Well, let'sjust, uh, give him a chance.
You know, he is in the fruit business.

He might have had a- a rush delivery.
I mean, this is the busy season.

He's right, you know.
Papayas are at their peak.

I don't care.
Something should be done...

about Gianelli's inconsiderate attitude
towards the rest of the group.

- Well, what- what do you suggest?
- I think he should be killed.

Well, I was thinking more like a-
a phone call.

Typical shrink cop-out.

Gianelli's disrupted this group too many times.
He should be kicked out.

Well, I know Mr. Gianelli is-
is a problem, but, uh...

I thinkyou'll feel differently
when you're not so angry.

Who's angry?
We're havin' a party.

You would have loved the cake.
It was in the shape of a brain.

- That sounds delicious- a brain cake.
- Mm-hmm.

Excuse me, Bob. Mr. Gianelli called.
He won't be able to make it.

- Did he- Did he say why?
- He said he didn't wanna.

He said that everyone would understand,
except for the little twerp.

All right. That's it.
That's the last straw.

The twerp's right. Gianelli's out.

He's toyed with us once too often.

I thinkyou're all being too hasty.

This is something that should be given
a lot of thought.

- Don't you want him out, Mrs. Bakerman?
- Yes...

but I've given it a lot of thought.

Well, if- if you're all unanimous...

I'll, um- I'll-
I'll think about it.

That's decisive.

- Well, I guess the only thing left
to do is read the poem. - Oh, swell.

We've all written you a poem,
and we'd like to read it.

Each member of the group wrote one line,
and I wrote the title.

I call it, �Untitled Poem.�

Shall we?

You're- You're sure there-
there isn't any cake?

And... hit it.

�You helped us all in every way.�

- �You got inside our head.�
- �And that is why we'd like to say�-

Mr. Gianelli wrote the last line,
and he wouldn't tell us what it was.

- [ S witch Clicks]
- [Electric Motor whirring]

Hi, dear.

Oh, I see you're vacuuming
the Ping-Pong balls.

- No. It's an experiment we're conducting in class.
- [Whirring Stops]

It proves that a column ofair
can support a Ping-Pong ball.

Doesn't that beat all.

See, it's a scientific principle, Bob, like gravity.
Watch this.

What an incredible universe.

Oh, Bob, you're sure in a rotten mood.

- I had a rotten day.
- Oh, really? What happened?

Well, you know how trouble
always seems to come in threes?

- It does?
- Yeah.

I had, um, three bad things
happen to me today.

You know, you're right, Bob? Trouble does
come in threes, because I remember...

when I was 16, I got sick
and I couldn't go to the prom, and then...

when I was 27 and I moved to Chicago,
I lost my suitcase...

and today I broke a nail.

You wanna hear
what happened to me or not?

Oh, I'm sorry.
What happened, honey?

Well, first I dropped an apple
and it fell up.

[ Laughs]
Come on, Bob.

- All right. I'm sorry. First of
all I go to the car wash- - Yeah?

And one of the big brushes
takes the antenna off my car.

- Well, then what happened? - Then I got to
work, and my group is in a bad mood because...

Mr. Gianelli didn't show up,
and he ruined my surprise party.

- That's it?
- Well, isn't that enough?

Well, what's the third thing
that happened?

What third thing?

You just said that trouble
always comes in threes.

- Did I say that?
- Yeah.

Well, usually it comes in threes, but...

sometimes it comes in twos.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.
Can I borrow your vacuum cleaner?

Yeah, Howard.
It's strapped to the chair over there.

It's going to be kinda hard
to get in the corners.

[Phone Ringing]

- I'm not here.
- No kidding.

Hello?

Oh, h-hello, Mr. Gianelli.
Where were you today?

It- It is my business.

The- The group was upset...

a-and you were supposed
to bring in the brain cake.

Look. I'd like to know right now
whether you're gonna be there Wednesday or not.

No. No, we're not-
we're not gonna take our chances.

Look. I- Should I count you out
next week or not?

Fine. lfthat's your attitude,
why don't I just, uh, count you out forever?

Yeah, l-l'll mail you a bill.

Wow. That's telling him, Bob.

Keep those unbalanced people
off balance.

Bob, I-l can't believe it. I mean,
you just yelled at one of your patients.

Yeah, but I-
I knew what I was doing.

See, I-l know Mr. Gianeiii. lfsomebody
says something is black, he'll say it's white.

So if I say, �Don't show up,�
he'll show up.

Ah. I get it.
Bob's using reverse, um- reverse-

- Psychology.
- Psych- Going to say, �reverse psychology.�

- Well, why don't we, uh, go out to dinner?
- Yeah. I'm for that.

Uh, reverse psychology.

- Uh, can I, uh- can I go to dinner with you?
- Sure.

- I'll buy.
- Fine.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Waita minute.

I wasn't going to buy dinner.
I was just using reverse psychology.

Well, we'll try it again.
Come on, Howard. Come out to dinner. I'll buy.

- No, it's on me.
- Fine.

Why don't we give Mr. Gianelli
a few more minutes. I'm sure he'll be here.

I thought you
kicked him out of the group?

Yeah, but I was using
reverse psychology.

Oh, reverse psychology, huh?
Come on. That's for saps.

That's right. Mr. Gianelli'll
never show his face around here again.

I hope not. I hate him.

I suggest that we just start without him.
And then, if he does come crawling back...

those of us who choose
to ignore him can...

and the rest of us can embarrass him further
by hurling gibes at him.

I'd like to hurl
a knuckle surprise at him.

Look. lt's- It's gonna be difficult enough
for him to, you know,just come back.

- Let's make it more difficult. Let's lock the door.
- Yeah.

- Two wrongs don't make a right, Michelle.
- That's original.

[Clears Throat]
Well, it- it may not be original, but why...

you know-
why rub salt in the wound?

[Clears Throat]

Well, let's get, uh, back to brass tacks.

Where, uh-
Where did we leave off last time?

We were three quarters of the way
through a poem.

Oh, yes. By the way,
Mr. Gianelli sent me the last line of the poem...

instead of a check.

But it, uh- it isn't very good,
and anyway it doesn't rhyme.

- That figures.
- I hate Gianelli.

Let's hear the last line,
so we can all hate him.

Why don't we take it from the top?

- �You helped us all in every way.�
- �You got inside our head.�

- �And that is why we'd like to say�-
- Mr. Gianelli's dead.

Well, that rhymes.

What-
What did you say, Carol?

- It's true, Bob. Mr. Gianelli's dead.
- Ah, come on.

No. He was unloading his truck, and the load
shifted, and a ton of zucchini fell on him.

- I don't believe it.
- I don't either.

That's just Gianellfs idea of a joke.

- What a hateful person.
- No, I'm telling you the truth.

- L-l think she is.
- I am.

- She is?
- You are? -I am.

- She's not.
- She is.

- Will that be all?
- I'd like some coffee.

Thank- Thank you.

He was the greatest guy I ever knew.

L- I don't know what to say.
I-l feel terrible.

You should.
You kicked him out of the group he loved.

Well, I-
I hope you don't think that I'm...

responsible in anyway for-
for what happened to-

Get out of the chair!
That's his chair!

- Don't you have any respect?
- Well, I-

I have a lot of respect. I mean, a-
a man we all know was...

zucchinied to death.

You know what's ironic?

Mr. Gianelli worked for a fruit company,
and zucchini is a vegetable.

Well, I don't think there's any-
any point in continuing with the session.

Why don't we all, uh- we all go home
and re?ect on what's happened here...

and, um, try to decide how we want
to acknowledge Mr. Gianelli's passing.

How can I acknowledge
the passing of my best friend?

Maybe we could hear
the last thing he ever wrote-

the poem which was a tribute to the man
who threw him out into the street?

That would be nice.
Let's hear the poem...

and Dr. Hartley
can read the last line.

L- uh, I really don't think
you wanna hear this.

- �You helped us all in every way.�
- �You got inside our head.�

�And that is why we'd like to say�-

�Peterson's a twerp.�

Oh, that's beautiful.

[Sighs]
Come on, Bob. Don't let it get you down.

Yeah, I guess you're right.
I mean, life goes on.

- What's for dinner?
- Lamb chops, baked potato and, uh-

Was that green stuff
what I think it is?

I'm sorry, Bob.
It is the only vegetable I have.

- Emily, I- I can't eat that. - Bob, will
you stop it? Now why do you feel so guilty?

Emily, the last thing I said to the man is,
�You're out of the group forever.�

No, honey. The last thing you said was,
�I'll mail you a bill.�

That's- That's even worse. I mean, I-l didn't
even say good-bye to him when I hung up.

Bob, if- if you will forgive me,
really, you are-

you arejust being maudlin.

Emily, a man wh-who walked amongst us...

has been snatched from our midst.

- What do you want me to do, have a party?
- Yes.

Well, I mean, why not be happy that he lived
instead of sad that he died?

I mean, Bob, why don't you invite the group over,
and we'll celebrate Mr. Gianelli's life?

I mean, we can have wine
and laughter and music.

Well, why don't we all
just go to Las Vegas?

Bob, you know what I mean.

I mean, there is no rule that says a funeral
has to be a time of mourning.

Well, I mean,
there's no hard-and-fast rule.

Emily, we- we are not talking about
a case of the snif?es here.

I mean,w-we're talking-
talking about-

Well, Bob, you know, in my family,
when somebody-

we, uh- we talked about
their good points...

and- and we were glad that we knew them,
and, uh, then we all went home.

Well, that's just sick.

Well, I certainly hope
than when I die...

you have a party
like this apartment has never seen.

I will. As a matter of fact, I'm-
I'm gonna hire Guy Lombardo.

Well, that's just sick.

- Uh, Carol?
- Yes, Bob.

Uh, take a eulogy, would you?

Oh, hold on while I get my black pencil.
How come you're doin' the eulogy, Bob?

Well, it isn't really
a eulogy eulogy, you know.

It's just some thoughts about Mr. Gianelli
I wanted to say at the party.

- Party?
- After- After the funeral.

Well, that's just sick.

- Just take it down, Carol.
- Shoot.

[Clears Throat]

�Those of us who were really close
to Mr. Gianelli�-

Bob, if you were really close to him,
wouldn't you call him by his first name?

L-I don't know his first name.

- Victor.
- No kidding?

- Victor.
- Yeah.

�Th-Those of us who were
really close to Vic...

�remember him as a man
who was not without his problems-

�both socially and emotionally.

�He rubbed a lot of people
the wrong way...

and he was often abrasive.�

So far it's a real tribute.

- CaroLjust take it down, all right?
- Okay.

- [ Phone Rings]
- One moment.

Dr. Hartley's office.
Hi, Emily. Sure. Hold on.

See, uh- See if you can make out
my handwriting, would you? Hi, honey.

Uh, food? Uh, what's, uh-

what's ever traditional after a funeral.

Two pies and a layer cake. Fine.

L-Little individual pizzas?

Well, Victor was Italian.

Yeah. His- His name was Victor.

L- I wouldn't write it on the cake, no.

Yeah. I'll-I'll seeyou.

- What do you think of my eulogy?
- lfGianelli were alive, he'd sue ya.

Well, maybe I can make it better.

Hi. Uh,you wanna go to lunch, Bob?

- No, thanksJerry. I gotta... punch up this eulogy.
- Yeah, I heard about Gianelli.

Ofall your group, I never figured
he'd be the first to go. I was bettin' on Carlin.

- Who were you betting with?
- Gianelli.

Kinda makes you stop and think, doesn't it?
A man like that in the prime of his life-

- [ Fingers Snap]
- boot hill.

- Yeah, the last roundup.
- The great beyond.

- Pearly gates.
- Checkout time.

Box city.

[Sighs] Makes you wonder
when your number's up, doesn't it?

Curtains.

- Bob, I don't wanna die.
- Oh, I- I don't blame you,jerry.

No. I mean, I'm a lot like Gianelli.

I got no family, nobody to mourn my passing,
I mean, nothin'.

Jerry, you've- you've got a lot of friends.
You've got, uh...

Emily and me, and-and I'm-l-
you know, I'm sure there are lots of others.

Oh, you're darn right there are!
I mean, uh,you knowjimmy Packard?

- No.
- Oh, he's a- a darn good friend of mine.

Well, I'll be sure he's notified.

Why am I talkin' like this? I've-
I've never worried about this stuff before.

Jerry, it's-l mean,
it's silly to worry about.

You just- you live each clay
to its fullest...

and then when that day comes, you-
you have no regrets.

Right, Bob. That's the answer.
That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna live my life as though, uh,
every minute's my last.

When I say good-bye to someone,
I'm gonna figure I'll never see that person again.

- GoodJerry.
- Y-You, uh, sure you don't wanna go to lunch?

- No. I-l can't.
- Good-bye, Bob!

- Nut?
- Are you talkin' to me?

No. I'm offering it to you.

Nuts, pizza- everybody
just help yourself to whatever you want.

- What a wonderful way to remember Victor.
- Who?

- Mr. Gianelli, the dead man.
- Oh.

He would have enjoyed this.

He would have enjoyed the funeral, too,
if he'd been there.

You mean, Mr. Gianelli
didn't come to his own funeral?

That's right. He didn't show up.
Death hasn't changed him a bit.

He wasn't there
because he willed his body to science.

Yes. I believe it was astrology.

[Clears Throat]

Gather round, everybody.
Here comes the eulogy.

- I'd like to remember Victor as a-
- Who?

Mr. Gianelli-

as a man-

a man who made... my life richer
because I knew him.

You should.
You made a fortune off him.

I, uh-l think what Bob
is trying to say...

is that we should each remember him
in our own way.

- Did you know him, Mrs. Hartley?
- No.

Uh, Emily, I thinkyou met him
on that weekend marathon... up at the cabin?

- Oh, was he the one who ran naked
through the woods? - Nah, that was me.

- Oh.
- Guess you remember me, huh?

Barely.

Why? Why him?

Oh, Bob, I thinkyou better help Mr. Peterson.

Yeah. The little twerp's
takin' it kinda hard.

Well,we all are.
It's the only thing on our minds.

That's right.
Anybody see how the Cubs did today?

Mr. Peterson, why- why don't you sit down
over here. You seem to be weaving a little bit.

I'm weaving out of respect...

to my dearest friend
in the whole darn world-

now deceased.

Well, I-l think Victor
would have wanted you to sit.

- Who?
- Mr. Gianelli, your best friend.

Gianelli would want me
to drink to his memory.

M-Mr. Peterson, why don't you sit down
and have some coffee?

I don't want any coffee.

- I'm goin' home.
- I'll take his coffee.

Uh, you're not driving, are you?

I'm taking a bus.
I'm perfectly capable of being driven.

Maybe he'd like a nice piece of memorial cake
for the trip home?

- L-l'm not hungry.
- You could press it in your Bible.

Mr. Peterson, I'll-
I'll drive you to the bus.

B-Before you go, I-
I thinkyou'll all agree we've, uh-

we've been through an experience here
that we'll, uh- we'll not soon forget.

And I think the-
the best way of remembering Mr. Gianelli...

would be with a, uh-
a minute of silence.

A thousand and one, a thousand and two,
a thousand and three...

- a thousand and four-
- Mrs. Bakerman, to yourself.

[Mouthing Words]

Hi! Hey, what's going on, a party?

Hey, that's terrific. That's great.
I just ?ew in from Beirut.

What a great city.
Everybody there looks like Danny Thomas.

Oh, birthday cake!

Oh, it's somebody's birthday.
Don't tell me. Let me guess.

Does anybody wanna dance? Come on,
Cheer up. What kind of party is this, anyway?

- You act like somebodyjust died!
- Somebody did, Howard.

Oh, my God.

I guess this wouldn't be
a good time to dance.

[Quietly]
Excuse me.

I was out of town.

Beirut.

A thousand, 58, a thousand, 59,
a thousand, 60.

Well,all in all,
I thought it was a wonderful wake.

Yes. Let's have one every week.

See you next week, Dr. Hartley.

S- uh- So long-

- you- you little twerp.
- Oh, thank you, Dr. Hartley. Thank you.

Well, I'm goin' to lunch, Bob.
I'll see you later.

- Jerry, I'll, uh- I'll have lunch with you.
- Hey, terrific.

Only, uh, no- no talk about, uh-

Right. Right. Hey, we'll go
to that new French restaurant.

- Great. - They got, uh, onion soup,
they got chicken with wine...

and the specialty
is stuffed zucchini.

[ Mews]

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