Original subtitles

- This is the story of my best friend.

That's him.

Not now.

That's him now.

He has issues.

- Fuck off!

Intimacy issues.

- Nobody's home!

And anger issues.

And other stuff.

When you have a disability,

you're on display at all hours.

Travis is a solo act.

He lives alone

and he works alone.

And nobody dreams of being alone forever.

- You're bent, you horn dog!

- Nice spasmobile!

Hey, now we know why he walks like that.

- Yeah.

- He's got a permanent boner.

- I think he shat himself!

- Oh shit!

Shit!

- Oh shit, run!

Run!

- Who's shitting themself now?

- No!

Oh, he's coming!

- You crazy fuck!

- Oh, shit.

- Up yours, loser!

- Oh, dear.

- Travis.

- Little shit!

- Listen,

what you have to understand

is that the kids in this college are assholes.

But that doesn't mean you can just go

and run the little shitbags over.

- Am I fired?

- Travis, you have problem with your anger.

Now you need to go and talk to somebody.

You have to promise me.

- I don't have a problem.

It's not my fault the world's fucked.

- Promise me.

- Freeze, asshole!

- That's me...

meeting Travis.

- Ah!

Motherfucker!

- Put your hands on your head!

Get on the couch and don't move!

- What couch?

- That couch!

- I can't see any couch, I can't see anything.

I'm blind!

- Oh, shit.

Okay.

Here, just...

Sit there.

I'm calling an ambulance.

Can I get you anything?

- Oh.

A beer would be nice.

- I'm calling you an ambulance.

- What for?

- You said you can't see.

- I was blind already.

- What kind of burglar are you?

- I'm not a burglar, I thought you were a burglar.

- I'm not a burglar, I live here.

- Oh, well, that's a relief then.

No one's a burglar.

- I get it now, you're a little blind and...

you just stumbled into the wrong apartment.

No harm done.

- Easy for you to say.

You didn't get hit over the head with a frying pan.

- It was a freaking baseball bat.

- Oh, no wonder my freaking head hurts.

I need some medication.

Could you, in my bag there?

- Is this it?

- Yeah, that looks like it.

- Can I get you a glass of water?

- Beer would be better.

- Uh...

I was thinking like asprin.

- No, you can't smoke asprin.

Are you freaking crazy?

Well,

I don't think you can, can you?

- You mind just telling me what's going on?

- You should've received one of these, didn't you?

- It's Braille.

What's it say?

- This is a subsidised apartment.

- So?

- It has two bedrooms.

- So?

- Well, you can only sleep in one.

- No, no.

Nuh-uh, not happening.

- It's official.

Either I move in or you pay rent on the extra room.

Like 130, 350. - Oh, God.

I can't afford that.

- Well it's settled then.

Oh man, we're gonna have a great time.

- No, we're not!

- Yeah, sure we will, trust me.

I make the perfect roommate

because I got like 10 percent vision,

so you can like walk around with your hairy boys hanging out

and I'll never know.

- No, I won't because you are not staying.

Out!

- Are you pointing at a door right now?

- No.

- I'm blind.

And homeless

with a possible concussion.

What's your disability?

Are you a heartless dick?

- Oh, oh, okay!

Okay, you can stay!

Just till we get this sorted, okay?

And we need to set some boundaries.

- Roomie!

- Boundaries!

When I am home, you stay in your room.

- I've gotta unpack my stuff.

- Fine, you do that.

I'm going to the pub.

- Oh, great idea!

I'll come with you.

Are we walking or driving?

Oh shit, I guess we're walking.

Come on, take a hit.

Let's get to know each other, I'm Gordo.

I'm 27.

I'm an Aries.

I'm Samoan.

I'm single but looking.

I enjoy bubble baths and...

Oh, British music of the '80s.

I play the ukulele.

- Give me that.

- Ha.

Yes.

And I'm like,

come on, toaster, I want four toasts!

Not three on one side and five on the other.

Just four all over!

You know what, this isn't what I signed up for.

You made up the numbers, toaster, not me.

I think my kitchen appliances hate me.

- Lucky you're a barmaid not a cook then, eh.

- Sorry.

Sorry.

- Forget the toast,

why won't you get me another beer, please?

- Sorry, what was your name?

- Derick.

- I'm sorry.

- My name's Derick, Derick!

- No, I got that.

I just, I feel sorry for you.

- Ah.

- Well, you'll feel sorry

if you don't go get me another beer

with a lot of head.

Oi.

- What an asshole.

- Ah!

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Clever, oh my God!

Play on words, so clever.

Asking for a foamy beverage

while implying an invitation to suck your dick.

You're a wit.

About your dick.

You're a dick wit.

- You wanna step outside and call me that?

- Yeah, sure.

It might take me a minute.

- Forget it, lucky you're a freaking retard, mate.

- This is your idea of lucky?

Shit, I'd hate to see someone you think is half bad run.

And retard?

Is that the best you can do?

- I don't know, what else you got?

- I don't know, how about spasmonaut?

Window-licker.

I get it, my appearance can be a bit off-putting.

You know what, when I meet a girl for the first time

I always get that same look.

And they always ask the same question.

How did you get into my room?

- Get a light on him.

- But for the record, I am not retarded.

I'm a spastic, there's a difference.

The body,

body's fucked.

The brain, the brain is fine.

Kind of the opposite of you.

What'd you think was gonna happen?

You just come in here and see a beautiful girl on stage

and go, oh hey, here's the plan,

I'm gonna get shit-faced, sit in the dark

and yell at her for a blowjob.

'Cause how could that not work?

I'm the retard?

There's a seat for you on the sunshine bus, my friend.

- Oh!

- You wanna step outside, be my guest.

If I'm not there in five minutes,

just start without me.

- Um.

Yeah, where was I?

I was...

Toast.

Four people at seven?

Yeah.

Hey, thank you.

Yeah, no worries, we can do that.

- Ah, gentlemen.

Nice work.

- Don't mention it.

- You got a real knack for the put downs.

- That's mentioning it.

- Hey, not so fast, hombre.

What would you say to a month of free beer?

- Hell yes!

- What's the catch?

- Look, that's not the first time that's happened to Sunny.

How about you come in and give her some tips

on how to repel people like that?

- No thanks, my repulsiveness is a natural gift.

Can't be taught.

- Bullshit, it's free beer!

He'll do it.

Introduce us.

Has she got big titties?

- She's my girlfriend.

- Yeah, has she got big titties?

- Who's this guy?

- Some fucking freeloader I can't shake.

- He's joking.

I can tell by his facial expression.

I'm his wise mentor.

His magical negro.

- You're not black.

- Fuck off, are you sure?

- Yeah. - I look black to me.

- Everything looks black to you.

Look, you're the professional, why don't you do it?

- Yeah, I'd just be better

if Sunny didn't know I was doing this.

- Mmm, why?

- Trust issues?

- Some.

- And you're gonna fix that by sneaking around

and doing shit behind her back?

- Sometimes she doesn't know what's best for her.

- So I'm just supposed to casually bump into her

and offer some advice?

- No, you take a job.

I'll make sure you're on the same shift as her.

- Who's gonna hire an inexperienced spastic

with anger issues to pick up glasses?

- Me, I own the joint.

Hey, Felicity, do me a solid.

- Oh, see, to me that sounds like you mean a shit,

doesn't it?

- Kinda.

- Yeah, it sounds like you just asked her to do your shit.

- Oh, here she comes.

- I hope she doesn't.

- Felicity, this is...

- Travis.

- And Gordo.

- Yeah, put him on the she same shift as Sunny.

He's gonna help her get ready for the radio scouts.

- When can you start?

- Never.

I'm only here because this fat freak

is cluttering my apartment.

- Only till you earn extra to pay rent on the other room.

Which is?

- 133.50.

- Yeah, plus tax, that's 200 even.

Plus drink for the magical helper.

Bottomless.

Deal?

- You're with Mikey in the morning,

keeping it real.

Okay, let's take some calls.

Today I wanna hear about the weirdest job you've ever had.

- Hey, guys!

Such a big fan of the show.

I have the best story.

I can't believe...

- Pants!

For the love of God!

What time is it?

- Time for free beers, bro, come on!

- Free for you.

- How hard can it be?

You just pick up some glasses and talk to a pretty girl.

- How do you know she's pretty?

- Well, one, she's not that funny

and two,

her boyfriend's a celebrity dickhead.

- Oh, this is gonna suck.

- It's just until you get the money.

Then you can kick me out and

grouch your way through life and such.

- Mmmmm.

But then what, what's gonna happen to you?

- I'll be fine.

I'm like a cat.

I always land on my feet.

- Yeah, clearly.

- Yeah, be cool.

- Hey!

Didn't expect to see you here.

Hello. - Hey.

- This is a stupid idea.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Come on.

It'll be fun.

- Thanks.

- Cheers, mate.

- Excuse me.

Hey.

- Hey, what about this guy the other night?

Pretty funny, huh?

- Yeah, you were, unlike me.

- Nah, you were fine.

That guy was a real douche.

- Ugh, yeah, men are sad.

Not you, though, you're special.

I mean, lovely special.

Not...

I'm just, I'm gonna stop talking.

- Hey, you should be mixing cocktails, mate.

You'd be a natural.

- Yeah.

- Do you need a hand with--

- No, I got it.

- First day is going well.

It's hard to pick my favourite moment

but I think I'm gonna have to go with

covering my vegan sister in beef gravy.

- I don't know why I took this stupid job.

- Sure you do.

He took this stupid job so he could talk to you.

- Wow, player.

- No, not like that.

I just wanted to see if you needed any help.

With heckling.

- Did Mikey put you up to this?

- Why would he?

- He thinks I need to be better at staying on track.

I tend to get swept along a little bit.

Doesn't seem like an issue for you though.

- Never been swept.

- So,

how would this work?

You being my personal rage guru?

- No idea, really.

- Wow, that sounds like a really well thought out plan.

Okay, you know what, fine.

Let's do it.

See, that's me just getting swept along.

- Well, I'll leave you kids to it.

I gotta get to work.

- You work?

- Sure do.

I'm in the music business.

Yeah.

¶ Here I am sitting here

¶ Waiting for some loose change ¶

¶ Here to remind you

¶ That everyday is a good day

- Hi.

¶ Let me here you smile

Thank you.

- Stage, obviously.

Mic stand.

Control nook.

Dressing rooms.

- Glamorous.

- That's why I'm in it.

- Yeah, why are you in it?

For real.

- If we're doing for real questions...

- Oh.

Cerebral Palsy.

It's not contagious,

just neurological childhood stuff.

Shit happens and this is the shit that happened to me.

- Okay.

I'm doing it because Mikey has this whole grand master plan

of me breaking into breakfast radio, so...

- Swept along.

- A little bit.

- And you two?

- Like rabbits.

- But it's not the dream?

- Fucking like rabbits or working in breakfast radio?

- Either.

- The money's good.

In radio but...

- But what?

- Do you know what it is to want something in your bones

even if it doesn't make sense?

- Maybe.

- Come on.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Behold!

The dream.

- My favourite apprentice.

Who's this, huh?

Finally come to your senses

and get rid of that little beardy finochio?

- No, Mario. - I'm just--

- This is-- - Yeah.

- Travis. - I'm just--

- He's my friend.

- Yeah.

- What happened to your legs?

- Uh.

What happened to your teeth?

- You need something fixed?

- Nah, I just, I came to show him around.

- You know, I actually, I do have a car.

- You do?

- Yeah.

It's a '85 Nissan Skyline.

- Oh, ironically hip.

- It's a shit box.

- Oh, don't say that.

Bring her in.

- Uh.

I kinda don't have a licence and it's a little banged up.

Long story.

- Shorten it.

- I may have allegedly intended to run

some kids over and kinda crashed into a flag pole.

- You brought down the flag?

You are a rebel.

- Am I famous now?

- No, it's just I go to--

- You know,

I hate

those little remedial learning shits, man.

Spawn of Satan.

- Wow.

You're really a pinata full of crazy, aren't you?

Just crack you open and out it pours.

Come on.

Now you show me yours.

One day I want a workshop just like that.

What's your dream?

- I don't dream.

- Bullshit, everyone has a dream.

Why don't you bring her in?

Mario and I will do her up like new, pro bono.

- Mario seems like a really cool guy.

- Yeah, beyond.

I wanna be that guy when I grow up.

Only with teeth.

- So that's a pass on the radio and rabbits?

- Well, cushy life might be nice, you know?

But I don't always wanna be defined

by my inability to make toast.

Don't forget to tune in

for "Mikey In the Morning."

7 A.M. weekdays!

Who says that men

never help around the house?

When my girlfriend's vacuuming--

- Is that him?

- That's him.

Is that not helping?

You tell me.

- He has a catchphrase.

Really?

Is that lame?

You tell me.

- You don't think he's funny?

- Uh, no.

- Okay.

- Frankly, I could live without

all the grease tracked into the house.

- Yeah, I shower at the workshop.

- Oh, I'm sure Mario would love that.

- He is a hundred years old.

- He's still a man.

Oh God, listen to me, I sound like mom.

- Mario's is part of my study

and I have to come up with a major project

for Mechanics anyhow.

I don't have to do this comedy thing.

- Yeah you do! - Yeah you do!

- Darling, you could have a career in radio.

It's perks a plenty, premium money.

For what?

I sit in a studio a couple hours a day

and I make people laugh.

- What's the worst that could happen?

You buy me a house.

- Yeah, how do you think I've afforded this place?

- Fine, I'll do it until they see me.

- That's my girl.

- But as soon as they realise I suck,

you'll both quit hassling me

and I can just get on with my mechanic stuff.

- Sure.

- Babe, you'd got a real shot here.

- Don't I get to choose what I shoot at?

Okay, so what do we do now?

How do I learn to do what you did?

- I don't know.

I just insulted myself, really,

and I did it better than he did.

- Yes, there's nothing funnier than a bit of

good old fashion self-hate.

- Well,

you're shit out of luck then.

- Are you saying that I'm not riddled

with festering self-loathing?

Moi?

- Well, what's to love?

- Story time.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl.

Everyone said this little girl was very pretty.

Especially Mr. Henry from over the back.

When Mummy and Daddy were away,

Mr. Henry would come and visit the little girl

and he'd give her special treats.

Special secret treats.

- Don't.

- Fine.

I got messed around with as a kid.

My parents never figured it out,

I fucking hated them for it.

I made them pay.

- Do they know now?

- If I run into them, I'll ask.

I've been living with my sister since I was 15.

I guess they figured out something was wrong

when I was hospitalised with bulimia.

- Bulimia?

- Yeah, fun game, have you ever played?

It's easy.

You start by wanting to be loved

and then you do something that makes you feel like

you don't deserve that love,

so you withhold reward from yourself.

Till one day, something snaps.

You can't live without love, right?

Or in my case, you can't live without chocolate cheesecake.

So you binge

but it never fills that spot that's really empty

and now you really fucking hate yourself,

you must be punished and you've gotta offload

all that undeserved love

down the toilet.

- Well now who's the pinata full of crazy?

You game to take that up there and whack at it with a stick?

- Food is important because it's the one thing

that can take your mind off relationships.

- Yeah, is that the whole horrible truth?

- What do you mean?

- What's really taking your mind off what?

- Relationships.

Relationships are incredibly important

because they're the one thing in life

that can stop you spending 24 hours a day

thinking about food.

- Yeah!

Yeah.

Therapy is basically paying someone to be your friend.

It's one step away from

having your mom hang a chop around your neck

so the dog will play with you.

- Except the chop doesn't cost 180 per hour

and the therapist doesn't try to hump your leg after.

Mostly.

- Whoa, what happened to the toaster bit?

- I just, I feel like it's a little bit dated.

- Dated?

I wrote that for you.

You always burn the toast.

It's your thing, Sunny.

- Yeah, and it was really, it was funny at the time.

- Is this your stuff?

- I made some suggestions

but Sunny has the final say.

- Sunny has assertiveness issues, don't you, babe?

- If you say so.

- What?

Mate, ditch the personal stuff.

That's not what I'm paying you for.

I've got radio execs coming to to the open mic night

and that nihilistic shit is not breakfast radio.

Capisce?

- Yeah.

- Good.

- The toaster bit.

Why?

- It's good.

It's you.

It...

And it's relatable.

Everybody burns toast.

- Bella?

- Huh?

- Can you get me a torque wrench?

You come up with a project yet?

- Mmmm.

Do you think it would be possible to put

training wheels on my scooter?

- Why?

- Bathroom, hang on one sec.

- And so the terrorist says,

does my bomb look big in this?

Okay.

All right, next up, we've got a girl

who's spent more time behind bars

than Schapelle Corby, our own Sunny O'Hara.

Just remember what I told you.

You'll be fine, you're adorable.

- Is there anything funnier

than a girl with an eating disorder?

I don't think so.

You know what's weird though?

It's weird how proud some people are

to tell you they're bulimic.

Like it's a badge of courage.

It's not, it's just a disgusting illness.

I mean, who in their right mind goes around bragging,

yep, yes, yes I do, I suffer from haemorrhoids.

I blame the fashion industry.

They're always always pushing the image

that a woman is only attractive

with enormous lumps bulging out of her anus.

Ugh.

I mean, fashion magazines, they made me bulimic.

No they didn't.

Stop kidding yourself.

Vogue could fill its covers with fat chicks tomorrow,

it's not gonna cure one binger.

You wanna know how I became bulimic?

Okay.

Sorry.

Sorry, I think I just swallowed a bug

and what's really disturbing about that

is that is the first time I've eaten in front of anyone

in three years.

- You could eat me!

- Um...

I could eat you, yes.

Thank you, sir, I suppose I could.

But I'd fucking just throw up afterwards.

- It's good, it's well handled.

- Not bad.

- She's very good.

- Does she write her own material?

- No, I've been helping her.

- I've spent years

trying to make myself look like a Barbie doll

until it hit me.

The reason Barbie is so thin

is because she can't bend her elbows.

Have you ever tried to get food in your mouth like this?

Here we go.

Oh.

And...

- She's great.

- It takes all kinds of dreams

to make the world go round.

Pipe dreams, heroic dreams,

wet dreams.

Travis had them all and he found a way

to live them through someone else

without ever showing his face.

- Want to be your friend.

- Mikey tells us radio's always been your dream.

- That and the reoccurring one

where I'm trapped in a sinking car.

- That's funny.

- See, told you. - You--

- Told you. - Don't need to joke with us.

- What's she saying is, no pressure.

All right, 'cause we've met all the great comedians, so--

- So nothing really makes us laughing.

- Right. - Okay.

- Look at me.

- Loot at him.

- Here's the 411.

We love you. - We like you.

- You've got the talent, right?

You've obviously got the looks.

You've got the sincerity.

- So important in radio.

- Got terrific material.

- The material was good.

- So we're gonna have a talk about putting you on air now.

- You could be the contemporary edge this show needs.

- Between us, no one else,

ratings are down.

- They've dipped a bit.

- A dip means its temporary.

- Temporary. - Okay?

And I, we, can sell the shit out of you.

- Absolutely.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Because what I'm seeing

is that face on a bus.

- Wow.

- That's my card.

- Do you have a card?

- No, I don't.

I don't, I don't, what would I put on it?

- You get on it-- - It's very important.

- And get her a card!

- Everyone in radio has a card.

- You're on our shortlist.

- You're on our list.

- Well you won't be, dear, you're a star.

- We'll see, we'll see.

- What do you see in that guy?

- Okay, rude.

- I mean, you could just do so much better.

- Right.

He is funny, famous, good looking.

Doesn't think I'm certifiable.

I am totally lowering my standards.

- And he's really shallow.

- Only on the surface.

You know what the radio guys really liked?

It wasn't me, it was your jokes.

- Your life.

- That you made funny.

You should be up there.

- Oh, why not?

You'd be fucking incendiary.

- Some people are better behind-the-scenes.

- You really have no idea, do you?

- About what?

- About you.

- Pass me loofah?

- What the hell?

- The loofah.

The big scrubby sponge thingy.

You do have a loofah.

- What are you doing in my bath?

- Nothing nasty.

I'm just having a spa.

With my friends.

I needed to wash off the sticky residue.

- Of what?

- Of unrequited dreams.

- In my tub?

- Well, if there's one thing I learned from last night

it's when you want something you don't have,

you use someone else's.

Hi,

I'm Sunny.

I'm cute and perky

and I'll say all your funny shit for you

so you don't have to show

your hideously disfigured self in public.

But what's in it for me?

Other than your hand up my ass.

- You think I'm using her?

- Did you ever stop to ask what I want?

- Ugh.

- All right, here's to the successful completion

of stage one.

- There are stages now?

What am I, the moon landing?

- Hey, mock not, we've piqued their interest.

Now we just have to make it impossible for them to say no.

- Say no to what?

It's not like I'm asking them for anything.

- That's exactly the attitude I'm looking for.

- Is it what she's looking for?

- Put a falafel in it, wobbly boy.

- What're we talking about here, Mikey?

- "Bring the Funny."

The biggest comedy festival on the planet.

We're gonna enter you into the unsigned open mic contest.

You win this and you are breakfast radio.

- Oh wow, you say it like it's such an easy thing.

There's actually gonna be funny people doing this.

- All you need is one good routine.

It's three heats.

The winner gets a slot in the closing night showcase.

Televised live.

- Shouldn't we ask if it's what she wants?

- Celebrity judges.

Rumour?

Barry Humphries.

- No way.

- Who?

- Only Dame Edna Everage.

An Australian cultural icon.

- Anyone in comedy knows who he is.

- Yeah.

Where did you hear this?

- I move in circles.

- Do you get dizzy?

- So I want you guys together

working on seven minutes of comedy gold.

From now on, you two are inseparable.

Okay?

You were saying?

- Nothing important.

¶ I can see that you are leading her on ¶

¶ I think I know what you are

- Thank you!

- Thank you very much!

¶ I can see that you are leading her on ¶

¶ Yeah, I know what you are

¶ You can't see that you're just the same ¶

¶ As all the stupid people who you hate ¶

¶ I'm not saying I'm free from blame ¶

¶ Because I need all the friends I can get ¶

- Who needs 20 wheels?

- I'm Evel fucking Knievel.

Therapy.

¶ A long distance call to a mystery blond ¶

¶ It wasn't good for business

¶ You say that she cried when she heard the bird's song ¶

- On thing in life that can stop you

spending 24 hours a day thinking about food.

Dieting, for a girl with body image issues,

the ultimate aim is to end up looking like this.

But with boobs.

- Whoa, I thought we agreed

to stay away from the personal stuff.

- You agreed, Mikey, but if you want me to do this

you have to at least let me do it as me.

- Sweetie, bulimia is not funny.

I'm just trying to tell you what works.

- What works for you.

You can get away the superficial chit chat

and the cute catchphrases. - Hey, I'm not superficial.

I do all the telethons.

Those things go all night.

Look, all I'm trying to do--

- Is mould me to fit your image.

- Fine.

Yeah, yeah, I should be at the studio.

I've got stuff to do.

You know, I didn't have to choose you.

I mean, you know what I mean.

- Yeah, you mean that you had better options

and that I should feel lucky.

- No.

- And I do, Mikey.

You make me feel lucky to be with you

like I'm this broken thing

and you're the only one on the planet that can fix me.

Maybe if I'm lucky.

- I don't need this.

- "Charlotte and Davo forever."

Sorry, kids, it was never gonna last.

Davo is too fond of dope and Charlotte is a dope.

Maybe they do have a chance.

Hello?

Campus is closed!

- My secret's out.

I'm one of the spawn of Satan.

- How long have you been in there?

- Since lunchtime.

- Want a Tic Tac?

- Why, does my breath, does it reek?

- No.

I just don't have a handkerchief.

What's wrong?

- Life.

I decided I,

I might as well stay in there and just die of misery.

Or the stench, whichever got me first really

and then you came along, you made me laugh and kinda,

you spoiled my whole wallowing thing.

Can you believe the sad shit that people write up here?

- There's a spare roller here.

- Thanks.

- I'm about as socially desperate as it gets,

but even I don't want my name in a heart

on the back of a toilet door.

- "Donna is a towel-head skank."

Not anymore.

- "Britney sucks dogs."

No she does not.

- Look at that, just wiping out racial disharmony

and unsavoury bestial practises in one stroke!

- And these are the normal people.

- I know, right?

How did we become the social outcasts?

- It's not fair, is it?

- If the world was fair, ice cream would be slimming.

- If the world was fair,

small furry animals would wear coats of super models.

- And chocolate would cure pimples.

- Beer would improve driving.

- Neurosis would be irresistibly attractive.

- Mmmm.

I think I need training wheels.

- No, you're fine.

Hey, why don't you take her home?

- You think?

- Yeah.

Live dangerously.

- Um.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- I am peeing.

- You just gonna be a smart ass

little bitch your whole life?

- Okay, this situation is a little vulnerable

for this particular game.

Can we just have a temporary delay in play?

- You expect me to be considerate of you

but you don't think about the affect

of your actions on anyone else.

It feels good so you do it.

- Okay, this is fun.

- You've got a boyfriend who's kinda hot

and kinda famous, but no,

you decided it would be a good idea

to make out with the little spastic.

- Good job, neighbourhood watch.

- What're you thinking?

- I don't know, maybe I...

Maybe I made one mistake.

Let's not turn this into something--

- One mistake?

Sunny, this is your fucking life!

You do these things because it feels, I don't know,

exciting or naughty.

You invite people to use you

and when it all turns ugly,

you expect someone else to come in and pick up

all your broken little pieces.

- If you're talking about what I think you're talking about,

you can't blame me for what that man did.

He was an adult and I was a child.

- You could've done what I did.

You could've said no.

- He-- - Yeah, he tried.

Before you.

You're not so special.

You just don't know how to say no.

- I was 12, you cunt.

- So was I.

- This is it.

Initiate launch procedure.

- Ever heard of Apollo 13?

You okay in there?

- Go away, please.

- 'Cause I'm talking to an idiot--

- Oh shit.

I took her to Chinese for lunch.

For a girl who usually eats a fork-full of moo goo

and half a fortune cookie,

she made a pretty decent dent in the menu.

It's the MSG I bet.

Well, whatever it is, we're screwed.

All that hard work for nothing.

Guess she won't be needing you anymore.

What're you doing?

- Taking some advice I got from a bath mitt.

Um.

Believe it or not, I've been in therapy.

Therapy, right?

It's basically paying someone to be your friend.

But with therapy, what you're really paying for

is not for someone to listen to you problems.

No, what you're paying for is so that

you don't have to listen to their shitty problems.

Yeah, I have issues.

The paper bag gave it away, huh?

I have cerebral palsy.

Yeah, I'm a full-time spastic.

Not just recreationally.

I don't need beer to walk like this.

This is all me.

You know, when you got cerebral palsy,

it's hard to pick up a girl.

It's hard to pick up a drink.

I mean, I met this girl, I like her,

but what do I say?

I promise I won't try to get in your pants.

I have enough trouble getting in my own.

But don't feel bad for me.

There is an upside.

Girls like guys they can fix, right?

So, right her, right?

This is catnip to the ladies.

My boss...

Thank you.

My boss tells me I also have anger issues.

- You went on?

- You don't mind?

- No, I couldn't be happier.

- Yeah, well hold that thought.

You're out.

He's in.

He won the heat.

He's through the next round.

Who freaking knew?

- I told you!

Did I tell you?

- I'm sorry.

- No, you did me a favour.

It was never me, it was you, you know that.

And now I can spend more time at Mario's.

- Great, more greasy fingernails.

Who doesn't find that hot?

- You're gonna keep going, right?

- I guess.

- Yes you are!

You've got two more rounds, you win those,

you're in the big show.

And Mikey will help you.

- Yeah because Mikey's a freaking prince.

- Yeah, I might, I might just--

- Yeah, you do that, champ.

They want a photo before you go, poster shot.

- Just like that, perfect.

One more?

Okay.

- I feel rank.

- Oh, you feel bad now,

just try having a barium enema.

- Oh, retard.

- Oh, we're not gonna do this again, are we?

- What's up?

You run out of jokes, have you?

- No.

I just don't think it's fair to have a battle of wits

with an unarmed opponent.

What does that mean, huh?

Huh?

Now that's fucking funny!

Smartass!

- Come on, let's not fight, okay?

- I'm not fighting, Mikey, I'm just not agreeing with you.

Don't...

Travis?

Oh my God, Travis, shit!

Are you, Travis, are you okay?

- Rough crowd.

- Jesus, nice face period, mate.

I'll call an ambulance.

- No, no, no, no, no.

I'm fine.

- Okay, come on.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna take you home, okay?

- You what?

- I'm gonna, Mikey, I'm gonna take him home.

Okay?

- Sunny.

- Oh.

- You know you don't have to do that.

- Well, you don't know me.

- I'm trying to.

- It's not that hard.

Some people would say the real challenge

is getting me to back off.

- Some people are fuckwads

and especially ones with tiny beards and catchphrases.

- Do you have anything to drink?

- Yeah.

Just cans.

You know, I get the shakes sometimes,

break bottles

and chipped a tooth.

- Well,

here is

to following your dreams.

- To knowing your limitations.

- Hey, did you mean what you said tonight on stage?

Uh-oh.

- No.

About needing therapy?

- No, about wanting to say something to a girl

and not knowing how.

- Yeah, I'll get over it.

- Don't.

- Why did you, why'd you do that?

- Why not?

¶ Come

¶ Husk your limbs

¶ To my floor

¶ Bones

¶ Sucking stones

¶ Her coming storm

¶ Under the lights you went

¶ Chemical ashes head down

¶ Heart on a diamond thread

¶ Fennel and lashes wet down

¶ Young star, haunted lynx

¶ Ring of sliver

¶ I want your bones

¶ Inside my bones

¶ Ooo

¶ Oooooo

¶ Oooooo

- Mikey?

- Yep.

- So,

what're you gonna do now?

- I'm not exactly sure.

I'm gonna have to talk to him.

I need you to trust me.

Can you do that?

What's this?

- It's trust.

This is gotta be the best idea you ever had.

Left turn coming up.

In three, two, one, turn.

- So you're gonna be like famous now.

On TV?

You're gonna be like a poon tang magnet.

- No.

It's just a contest.

And there's two more heats.

- Which if you win.

- Then I'm in the showcase.

That, that's televised.

- And that's exciting, right?

For you?

- Yeah.

- I don't get TV.

To me it's just an expensive fucking radio.

But seriously though,

I can't focus on driving when I smell on you like....

ripe peaches and, and...

fresh sex.

- Oh, God.

- Oh, someone should market that as a breakfast cereal.

Like, Snatch Krispies or...

Pussy Puffs!

- Dude, you're a bad person, you know that, right?

And, you just missed our turn.

- So what?

I'm not in control.

You're not in control.

No one is.

It's an illusion.

You have to learn to go with it.

But like I always say,

trust in the universe

and then the good things will happen.

- For the record, I never say that.

I'm blind, I'm not stupid.

I don't believe in happy endings.

- You're making the biggest mistake of your life.

This is so you.

- What does that supposed to mean?

- Oh look, a stray dog is so cute, can I keep it?

- How fucking dare you.

- No, how fucking dare you!

- Bella, you want me to do something?

- Hey, butt out, old man!

I'm not joking.

- Fine, Mario, I'm fine.

This is not the place, okay.

We can finish this--

- No, we're finished!

I'll see you in a few days when you realise

what a massive fucking mistake you've made.

This is real life,

not some cutesy fairytale.

You kiss a frog, in the morning it's still gonna be a frog.

- Hey.

- You gonna invite us in?

- Why don't we take her for a spin?

- Like this?

- Yeah, I mean, she should run fine.

Let's go.

- Okay.

- Hey.

You look after her, okay?

- I'm not driving.

- Not the car.

Don't be an asshole.

She don't need another asshole.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Trav, are you gonna rap or what?

Come on, Trav.

- This is everyday.

- Oh!

Queen!

- Here you go, bro.

- You're just going in circles!

- Yay! - Yeah!

- Yes!

- You look like a praying mantis on crack!

Oh my God, Mario, it's beautiful.

Let's put the windshield on.

Let's finish this.

Hey.

Mario.

Old man, it's a little early for a siesta, isn't it?

Mario?

Mario.

- Il mio cuore.

- You're gonna be okay.

- Sorry, Bella.

- No don't need to be.

- I'm just a useless old man

who can't look after you.

- Oh, come on, people.

- Hey, Travis, can you call me?

There's something I need to tell you.

Actually, don't call.

I should tell you in person.

- Hey.

- Oh.

You.

- Yep.

- You think I don't know what's going on?

- You think I care what you know?

- You should.

She's a student at the school where you work.

Oh,

so you do care.

- You know, I didn't come here to play games.

Sunny needs to tell me something.

- What did you think was gonna happen?

That she'd end up with you?

Oh.

Life tries to show us

what we need to see

but it's never completely clear.

It's hard to look at yourself objectively.

And what you see depends on what you're willing to believe.

- All right.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

This next guy is competing for a slot in the closing night

of the "Bring the Funny" showcase.

I want you to go absolutely nuts for our next contestant.

Give it up for a very funny guy,

Mysterious Bag Man.

Yes!

- You know, I had this girlfriend, it didn't work out.

She left me.

She said, I can never tell what you're thinking.

I'm like, what do you want?

This is the only expression I can draw.

I'd kiss her and she'd complain about paper cuts.

When we made love,

she said it was like humping a Happy Meal.

The whole time it's all about

what she wants, what she needs.

Banging on my door day and night.

Eventually, I had to let her out.

- Come back out here, dude, come on!

Very good, now...

So you just won your way through to the final round,

a shot at the big time, how's it feel?

How's it feel?

- Kinda dirty.

- Oh, okay.

Guys, give it up for this guy one more time.

Mysterious Bag Man.

Huh?

Thanks for coming out!

- Hey.

Busted.

- What're you doing here?

- I was just looking for some paper and...

I...

- Who said you could look at that?

- Travis, is this you?

- I said, that's private.

- Sorry, I just...

I wanted to pop--

- You know,

you just...

you just can't barge in and out of people's lives

whenever you feel like it!

- Wow, okay, that's not what's happening here, Travis.

I tried to call you.

There's something I need to tell you.

- Yeah, I know.

What makes you think I fucking care?

- I don't know what happened to make you like this

but it wasn't me, okay?

I didn't do this!

- Get out!

¶ Was our love

¶ Just a song

¶ I went to bed

¶ Thinking everything was wrong ¶

- Travis.

We need to talk.

Now!

Now you told me that you were gonna talk to somebody

about your issues.

- I've been talking

to a lot of people. - Well, we both know

that this is not what I meant.

How many second chances do you think I'm gonna give you?

- Technically just one.

After that would be a third and fourth and--

- You have been accused of getting students drunk

in the toilets after hours.

- Student, just one.

I thought I'd start slow and work my way up.

- Of trying to run over a student?

Of making sexual advances with a student?

- They started it and she kissed me.

- The girl's sister told me

that she's been spending nights in your apartment.

Is that true?

- Well, not anymore.

So everybody happy now?

Gordo, can we talk?

- Hey, Trav, long time no see, man!

Oh, well, ever.

- Yeah, ha. - Really but--

- Yo, can you stop playing that,

I need to tell you something.

- Yeah, so tell me.

- Not why you're playing that stupid goddamn song.

- Fine.

- I said stop it, all right!

- What the fuck?

What was that for?

- Shit, man, I...

Here, I'm sorry.

Just say something.

She went back to him.

- Well what did you expect, you asshole?

- What, because I'm like this?

- No.

Because you're such a fucking Nancy Hofstetter!

- A what?

- Nancy Hofstetter, man.

She's a girl I knew in high school.

She wanted me to fuck her but not put it in all the way.

Just the tip.

But that's you!

- I don't want you to fuck me with any--

- Not me, fool!

Life!

You want life but you won't let it in

in all its throbbing, meaty glory.

You want life to fuck you but with just the tip

and that's bullshit, my friend.

You gotta let life stick it to you all the way, ball deep!

You gotta deep throat the whole fucking catastrophe,

swallow and smile,

because what's life without the fucking money shot?

It's all just meaningless foreplay

and you end up jacking off.

Alone.

When you hit that point

at which everything seems at its crappest...

- Sorry. - Sorry.

- You might just find that

breaking your ukulele can be the best thing

that ever happened to you.

- My fault.

- Oh no, my fault.

What was that?

- My ukulele.

It was shattered already.

- Aw.

- Yours?

- I'm all good.

- Well, sorry.

- Happens to me all the time.

- Yeah, same.

I'm Gordo.

- Eve.

- Nice to meet you, Eve.

- And you are listening to all the nonstop hits

with Mikey and Sunny

and when we're back we'll be taking some calls.

What's on the agenda today, Mikey?

- Well, girls, I wanna hear

about the wrongest guy you've ever dated.

Let's start with you, Sunny.

Who's your wrongest guy?

- Uh.

Em.

Why don't we go to a song while I think about that?

- Babe, this is what we signed on for.

You've got your face on a thousand buses.

- Oh wow, eat your heart out, Helen of Troy.

- What more do you want?

- I don't want that.

I don't want you to--

- Oh, come on, don't flake out on me now.

Stick with the programme.

Smile in the voice.

They can hear it, okay?

And we are back with Mikey and Sunny in the morning.

Keeping it real.

First up, we have our next caller.

- Thank you.

When we return, the moment you've all been waiting for.

The "Hunger Games" of funny.

The final winner-takes-it-all round

of the BTF unsigned open mic competition.

- Travis.

Aren't you doing well?

It's great to see you, man.

It's great to see you.

- Mikey, on in five.

- All right, well I'll leave you kids to catch up.

You've got plenty to talk about, no doubt.

- Hey.

- I heard you on the radio.

- What did you think?

- You have to ask?

- Money's good.

- Yeah, I bet.

- Well,

good luck out there.

- So I've gotta go.

There's a girl waiting for me backstage

with a monkey wrench and a grease gun.

- Yeah!

The lesbolicious Rebecca Talay, ladies and gentlemen!

Yeah!

All right, our next contestant is also bent

but not sexually, he's just plain bent.

Welcome to the stage, the Mysterious Bag Man.

Now I love Bag Man, we've shared a lot,

but I should warn you, he's an angry young dude

and why shouldn't he be?

He's got cerebral palsy?

No, that's not just a bad hangover.

Now, he's just come here straight from therapy.

Therapy, what is that?

Is that just paying someone to be your friend?

With therapy,

what're you paying for, really?

Are you paying for someone to listen to your problems

or are you paying so you don't have to listen to theirs?

You tell me.

- What do you think you're doing?

- What, you don't like those jokes?

- Yeah, they're great.

I know because I wrote them.

- Yeah, for me, I paid you actually.

Awkward.

- Well then,

I guess I can't do this one or this one

or this one!

Or these!

Screw it!

You know, congratulations.

You win.

Don't you have enough already?

And now you want this too?

- Come on, man, surely you got something else.

What about one of those fun stories

about what an angry dude you are?

No?

Awkward.

Okay, folks, we might just take a little break.

- You know, wait,

sure.

All right.

Here's a story, just for you.

It's about a kid, three years old,

loved playing in the rain with his dog.

- I hope it's got a good punchline.

- So this kid is out playing in the rain,

jumping from puddle to puddle with his dog

and he lives in this old house

with like a million stairs going all the way up to the door.

And they run inside, dripping wet.

Puddles all over the floor.

The dog, he runs up to the kid's dad

sitting in his favourite chair watching TV.

And just shakes.

As dogs do.

And this dad,

he's got a bit of a temper.

Yeah, a bit of a temper.

And he grabs the dog

and he throws it out into the rain,

down the stairs.

The kid is upset.

Starts hitting the dad.

Maybe he's inherited a bit of his anger.

So the dad picks up the little boy,

he picks him up and he throws him out too.

Down the stairs, out into the rain.

Breaks his arm, bone sticking out.

Fractures his vertebrae,

cracks his skull.

The mom, the mom sees this,

she sees this and she tries to help the little boy.

But the dad, he stops her.

He makes her go back inside

because it's raining after all.

So here's this boy,

lying in the mud,

brain bleeding on the inside of his head,

he could die.

But he's not that lucky.

He gets to live with brain damage

in steel bolts and crews

and tests and scans and operations and...

and pain.

And nobody wanting to play with him

because he can't keep up

and he's a freak.

And he will spend the rest of his life

scaring off anybody who gets too close

so he can pretend that's what he wants.

- Okay, we might just leave it there.

- You know that saying,

when they made him they broke the mould?

Well I'm the guy they made after him with a broken mould.

And that's why I get to tell these jokes and you don't!

You know, yeah, I've been to therapy.

They say I have anger problems.

Well I don't actually think I have a problem.

I think it's this guy who's about to have

this microphone stand jammed up his ass

who's go the problem!

So is that enough of a punchline for you, fuck face?

You tell me!

Ugh, see?

I don't need a girl to knock me off my feet,

I can do it all by myself.

- Hey, come on.

- Fuck off!

Back off!

I don't need you!

I don't need anyone!

- Go have another beer, freak!

- This guy's off his tits.

- Ugh, he's trying to grope me!

- Hey, what're you doing grabbing her, buddy?

Woo!

Hit the pole.

Oi, he's taking a spill!

- Hey, stop it!

Piss off, you animals!

What're you staring at, leave him alone!

- All right, then. - Oh my God.

- Hey, Travis, it's Sunny.

It's okay, you're okay.

You're okay, you're okay.

Get off!

- I'm just calling an ambulance.

- Please, tell them to hurry. - Ambulance.

- Are you Dame Edna?

- Not at the moment.

We've got a crisis here.

- Give me that, give me it.

Yes. - Can I have your photo?

- We're on the corner of Bray and King's Street.

Please hurry.

- Is he okay? - He's calming down.

- I think so.

- Yeah, yeah.

- What that bastard did was unacceptable.

- Thanks for checking on me.

- Well, you gave us all quite a scare.

- Yeah.

- You know, I shouldn't have been so hard lined.

It's your life after all.

- Yeah, sad but true.

- What about last night?

How're you feeling?

- I don't know, I don't remember.

- You don't remember any of this?

- Last thing I remember,

I was on stage telling the world things

I never tell anybody.

- Well, there was a bit of a commotion after your seizure.

Sunny was there for you.

- Where is she now?

- I'm sorry, Travis.

- You said that already.

- No, about what happened to you as a kid.

It was a terrible thing.

- I'll be all right from here.

- Wondered when I'd see you again.

- Yeah, I've been staying at Mikey's.

- And how's that working out?

- Well, it's no party being in a relationship

with someone that wants you to be somebody else.

- I'll add that to the list.

- The list?

- Things I need to say sorry for.

- It's really not your fault.

- Are you sure?

I think I was the number one cheerleader

for team Mikey from the get-go.

- Well, as you said the other day,

I'm not your responsibility.

- I said a lot of shit that wasn't right.

- Yeah, so did I.

- I didn't warn you about that man

because I thought what he did to me was my fault.

Because I was a bad person.

I never thought it could happen to someone good, like you.

- You're not a bad person.

- When Mario died,

I let Travis see you with Mikey.

He took one look and bailed.

It was a shitty thing to do.

- Travis could've trusted me, he could've spoken to me.

- Do you think you could explain it?

Maybe you could still--

- What?

Just delay the inevitable?

Flic...

I can't be in a relationship

with someone that doesn't trust me.

I think I'm done.

¶ I know you're headed in the right direction ¶

¶ I gotta tell you I'm so proud of you ¶

¶ Found your demons and let them go ¶

¶ I hope you let it all rest in peace ¶

¶ 'Cause I still pass by your lonely home ¶

¶ You let it behind and hit the road ¶

¶ So are you happy with your reflection ¶

¶ Never wonder where you belong ¶

¶ Because the open road is your home ¶

¶ Even safe without my protection ¶

¶ I gotta tell you I feel alone ¶

¶ Even though you will never know ¶

- Gordo!

- What the fuck?

Is this your idea of a joke?

It was supposed to be a gift to say I'm sorry.

- Who leaves a surprise gift on the doorstep of a blind man?

- Dude, I think I messed up.

- You think?

I'm wearing a freaking ukulele for a shoe.

- No, not that.

This is serious.

- What is it?

- Mario.

He's dead, that's what she wanted to tell me

and I saw her hugging Mikey and just assumed.

I gotta be the dumbest person on the planet.

- No.

But you are a spiky asshole.

- I don't think so.

- Hello? - Fuck off!

- Oh, I've obviously come to the right place.

Look, I believe these are yours.

- I don't need them anymore.

- You might.

- I won't.

- You might. - I won't.

- You might.

- Can somebody tell me what's going on here?

- The MC stole all his material.

- Mikey!

Oh that fucking cock.

- Well, you may say that.

I couldn't possibly comment.

- So what, is he the winner now?

- No, but the judges have agreed to give your friend here

a spot in the showcase as a wildcard.

- Awesome.

Ah, you are the man.

- I best be off.

See you at the theatre later.

Sorry about the short notice

but pulling strings takes a bit longer than I thought.

- Yes!

You hear that, bro?

That dude got you a wildcard.

You're back in the game!

- I don't care anymore.

- But you care about her, don't you?

Hey, numbnuts!

You want to talk to her?

This could be your last shot.

For Narnia!

- Tickets?

- We don't have any tickets, Scott.

- Oh, then I can't admit you.

- Oh, no, he's in the show, Scott.

- Really?

Congratulations.

- Thank you.

So you gonna let us in?

- No.

- But you just said.

- You can go to the stage door then onto the stage

but you cannot go into the auditorium.

- Where's the stage door?

- Back down the concourse, around the side,

around the back, down the stairs.

- Can't we just go through here, Scott?

- Do you have a ticket?

- Oh, Scott.

Trav?

Trav?

- Come on, come on.

Come on.

- Tickets.

- Sign in.

There's no plus ones.

Your friend can't come backstage.

- Oh, he's disabled, I'm his carer.

- You're blind.

He's an equal opportunity employer.

What're you gonna say?

- I have absolutely no clue.

- Cue the dancing girls.

- Oh, dancing girls.

- Who are you?

- Oh, he's the wildcard.

The judge personally came over to let him know

he had a slot on tonight's show.

Some unconscionable shit happen.

And bottom line, he was freaking sabotaged.

- Yeah, I heard about that.

I saw it on Twitter.

Man, that was so uncool.

- Yeah, that Mikey guy's a dick.

- And he's not good in bed.

Really bad.

- You're on here but you're late.

You missed your slot, you're cut.

- Come on, I just need like--

- It's live television.

Everybody gets seven minutes, that's how it goes.

It's a tough break.

You gotta get here on time.

- Come on!

Where's your fucking heart?

Can't you see this guy's

all twisted up emotionally and physically?

He's in love and his girl is out there.

And...

And this is his last shot.

- I'm sorry, I can't just make time.

- Do you really love this girl, for real?

- Yes, for real.

- Well,

can he have two of my minutes?

- I guess.

- There you go, I'll do five.

- Fine, I'll do five minutes too.

You can have two of my minutes.

- All right, I guess I could cut alarm clock enema.

You can have two of my minutes too.

- Thank you!

Thank you so much!

- You good to go now?

- Hey man, where's your paper bag?

- I'm not doing that anymore.

- Our next act,

he's our wildcard surprise,

it's the Bag Man, himself! - Just get out there, man!

Kill it, you're gonna be so good!

- Yeah, you go get 'em, bud.

- It's a good audience, man.

- Yeah, it's great.

- You got this!

- What the fuck?

I thought he lost.

Some people just don't know when to quit.

- Um.

Could I...

- Somebody is about to eat a big shit sandwich.

- No, uh...

Do you mind raising your hands if you're cool

with me telling some jokes about disabled people?

All right, well that's fucking great, you sick bastards.

Why'd you all laugh at that?

People like to make fun of the disabled

and why not?

You know, right?

They say laughter is the best medicine.

Well, if that's the case,

the only reason why I'm still walking like this

is because you people aren't making fun of me enough.

You gotta lift up your game.

Why did God make spastics?

I mean, You're omnipotent, right?

And this is the best You can do?

This body is like a 1985 Nissan Skyline.

It'll get you to where you need to go

but you wouldn't recommend it to anyone

and you're not gonna get a lot of chicks

lining up for a ride.

You know?

When you've got Cerebral Palsy,

you know, it's hard to pick up a girl.

It's hard to pick up a glass.

You know, when I meet a girl for the first time

I always get the same look

and they always ask me that same question.

How did you get into my room?

So I met this girl.

Yeah, yeah.

That wasn't the joke.

But she was smart and beautiful

and funny and...

And smelled like the best breakfast cereal.

And she didn't look at me like everyone else.

In fact, she fell for me.

Which was new.

Usually I'm the one doing the falling.

I gotta confess,

I felt a little self-conscious.

So I started wearing a bag over my head,

which some of you saw that, huh?

I thought it might had the fact that I had problems.

Well, that was a mistake.

Who knew?

Oh yeah, you all did.

Yeah.

Is anyone in this room that's not self-conscious or insecure?

Oh.

This guy's got his hand up.

Sir, do you not own a mirror?

Like, I can talk.

When God made me He must've left

the instructions upside down going through his Ikea phase.

I got a spare nut in the drawer at home.

I don't know where that fucker goes.

- You can't beat a good ball joke.

- You sure can't, my friend.

- Yeah.

- But she picked right away

that I had a disability.

No,

not this.

I also suffer from a debilitating condition

called Premature Rejeculation.

You know how some men come too soon?

Well I leave too soon.

Stare at me, I leave.

Ignore me, I leave.

Rub me the wrong way, I leave.

You know, a typical relationship goes something like,

hello, lovely to meet you.

Fuck off!

So...

So I meet this girl and I think,

soulmate.

All my sins absolved, all my flaws redeemed.

You complete me,

right?

Wrong.

I was a spiky asshole before I met her,

I was a spiky asshole while I was with her

and after I lost her,

you got it,

I was a spiky asshole.

Falling in love is a lot of things

but there's no magic bullet.

No one can change who you are.

Maybe,

maybe I'll always walk funny.

Maybe I'll always talk funny.

Maybe my ass will always be spiky.

Maybe my hands will always shake when she touches me.

Maybe I'll always skate in circles

and dance like a praying mantis on crack.

Maybe I'll always be the wrongest guy

but if she's okay with that

and can love me anyway,

there's gotta be something wrong with her too.

Right?

Screw it.

There's something wrong with me

and there's something wrong with you.

And you.

And definitely something wrong with you.

There's something wrong with all of us.

We're all a bunch of emotional cripples.

Emotional spastics.

But if someone has the courage to love us anyways,

then what fucking excuse have we got?

So,

here's my tip,

whatever bag you have over your head,

lose it now.

Stop hiding who you are.

And find the courage to love yourself.

Spare nut, spiky ass and all.

- Woo!

So that's my friend

and that was his story.

- Good job!

- Sunny! - Sunny, just you!

Yeah, one more! - Aye.

- Oh!

Hey!

Hey.

Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

- Yeah, I think I got that.

And...

I just wanted to say...

- What the fuck?

- Yeah.

Remember I said I don't believe in happy endings?

But I do believe in happy beginnings.

¶ My head is a box filled with nothing ¶

¶ That's the way I like it

Next time you feel

like you're doing it tough,

just remember your life is a joke.

So you better start laughing.

¶ Your body's a dream that turns violent ¶

¶ That's the way I like it

¶ That's the way I like it

¶ She tells me she loves me

- You can bet your ass everybody else is.

¶ That's the way I like it

¶ So please

¶ Baby, please

¶ Open your eyes

¶ Catch my disease

¶ So please

¶ Baby, please

¶ Come on

¶ Catch my disease

¶ La, la, la, la, la, la

¶ They play RY X on the radio

¶ That's the way I like it

¶ They play Heath Cullen on the radio ¶

¶ That's the way I like it

That's the way I like it.

¶ I hear Hazel English on the radio ¶

¶ That's the way I like, that the way I like it ¶

¶ They play Camera Obscura on the radio ¶

¶ And that's the way I like it

¶ So please

¶ Baby please

¶ Open your heart

¶ Catch my disease