Original subtitles

Call me Sam. I'm #a##writer of literature.#

I started writing the day my grandfather...

sent my mom and me into exile.

A day when most people would wallow in self-p¡ty.

I chose this moment to honour my calling.

So this is my story.

And unlike other writers, I won't sk¡p the good parts.

Samuel.

Daddy, don't pull the plantation boss act with Sam.

He's innocent.

Nothing you touch is innocent.

One more mistake and the boy goes...

to the Custer Military Academy.

Are those implications clear?

Yes, your Daddyship.

Sam, come. Bring your cards.

Caspar said we were being exiled for our own good.

What a load of crap.

Truth is, he was planning to run for Governor....

and the thought of Lydia on the loose scared the hell out of him.

Know why I'm sending you and your mom to Wyoming?

'Cause Lydia messed up again?

There comes a time...

when you have to set aside childish things.

But...

Don't "but" Grampa.

Go ahead. Throw 'em in.

I had a good mind to go to Wyoming and croak.

Then he'd really be sorry.

Good boy. Good boy.

Sam callahan lay close to death.

In a cruel twist of fate, giving him comfort was...

the most beaut¡ful nurse he'd ever seen.

Sorry. He's not gonna make it.

Sam...

I'm sorry I sent you and your mom into the wilderness...

when you needed to be home most of all.

Can you forgive me before you die, Sam?

What'd you do to hack Caspar off so much?

Not a thing.

Not one iota of misconduct.

He told me about the Cuban, and stripping on the boat.

If this one's so bad you can't tell me about it...

just think what I might imagine.

I'm as innocent as snow.

When Horace Greeley said "Go west, young man"....

I don't think this is what he had in mind.

Lydia drove 2,000 miles w¡th the top down.

She had no concept of altitude or temperature.

And couldn't read a map, so I navigated.

We'd sworn that grandpa would never separate us.

So as we drove further and further from home...

it felt like we were orphans together.

And the first Southerners ever lost in Wyoming.

Hey sissy boy!

This is for you, honey!

Come on. Get ready for this one!

Look out! Hey, watch it!

Sharp move, pinhead.

Attention students and faculty...

The pep rally for the football game is after second períod.

And at 2 p.m. Today we'll conduct our A-bomb dríll.

Remember students, duck and cover!

Hi.

- I'm Howard Stebbins. - Sam Callahan.

Okay, gang.

Open "Huckleberry Finn" to page 47.

And go on to Twain's brilliant use of Negro dialect.

Brilliant, my eye. No-one talks like that.

Well, why do you suppose Twain wrote in dialect...

if no-one talks like that?

He wanted Huck to seem stupid, and Jim even stupider.

I've heard Southern accents on TV and no-one talks like that.

Huck is from Missouri, which isn't the South.

Oh, whoop-de-do.

We know Mark Twain was a great proponent...

of equal rights for all.

And we appreciate that here in the Equality State.

Yeah, but Twain hated Jews.

Are you Jewish?

No.

Well, how do you know he hated Jews?

Well, I can read.

How can you say that when you hate Negroes?

I don't hate Negroes!

But you're from the South.

Everyone in the South hates Negroes.

You can't deny it.

We can't stay here, Mom.

Our relationship's based on mutual respect.

You mustn't remind me that I'm a mother.

These kids are Nazis, Lydia...

The entire school was spawned by the mating of first cousins.

I bet that's why none of the men here have chins.

Even the teacher's an ignoramus.

That goes.

I won't have the dead passing for art.

Only Caspar would pick a house with that.

I've made a decision about this banishment.

Should I be told?

The way I conducted our life in Carolina didn't work.

I'll say.

So...

I'm calling a time out.

No more connections for awhile.

As of this moment...

I'm declaring myself an emotional catatonic.

How's a catatonic supposed to raise a kid?

We'll negotiate an arrangement.

Stand up straight, a girl is judged by her posture.

Why do I have to go?

Because our new neighbours are Southern, and what'd they think...

if we didn't try and make them feel at home?

But the kid's a squirrel.

Gentle women do not compare people to animals.

What?

Welcome wagon!

Hi, I'm Laurabel Pierce and this is my daughter Maurey.

We'd like to welcome you to Gro Vont...

the friendliest town in Wyoming.

How quaint.

Look, Sammy, it's the "Welcome Wagon".

Hi.

What have we here?

It's a survival kit, for moving into a new house.

This is for you.

Chicken pot pie?

Yeah, the good kind, with bottom crust.

Maurey's dad can't abide it without good bottom crust.

"Quick Meals for the Harried Housewife".

Every recipe starts with a can of mushroom soup.

Well, fuck me silly.

Do I look like a housewife to you?

No.

We just wanted you to feel at home in Gro Vont.

Sam and I won't be here long enough to mix with the natives.

- There she is... - Hey Dot!

Keep your pants zipped, Jack. I'll be there when I'm there.

Her name's Dot.

She should sue her parents.

Who would call a child "Dot"?

So you're the folks renting Doc Wardell's place.

The guys paid me a dollar apiece to ask if you're single.

Tell the guys...

I have five husbands.

Each one rich, mean and jealous.

I rotate them on a weekly basis.

That'll be all over the valley by breakfast.

Just tell them I own a rifle.

So...

What happened in 7th grade today?

You really want to hear?

If I don't wanna hear, Caspar'll send you to the military academy.

Wouldn't want that, would we?

In Social Studies they taught us how to write a cheque.

You been writing checks since you were six.

And I think I'm in love with Maurey Pierce.

Well, that's nice.

- How do you know you're in love? - Because I can't stand her.

That's always a good sign.

She hates my guts. Called me a pinhead.

Sounds like love to me. Better eat that fast...

the gravy's turning to axle grease.

You know why I like you more than the other boys?

'Cause we're the only two in the 7th grade who can read?

No, silly. Because you're so handsome.

You're licking the mirror.

I'm making contact.

With who?

Myself.

Sam, ever had a stiffy?

Mom...

ljust realised...

it's years since I saw your little weenie.

It was so cute when you were a baby.

We had this speckled basin...

I used to wash you in.

And you'd always pee straight up.

I hate when you talk about cute naked stuff I did when I was little.

Mom, mom.

I didn't let myself go.

When Gulliver travelled to the land of Yahoos...

he must've come here.

I think he just insulted you, LaNell.

I don't care.

What kind of show-off studies on the bus, anyway?

This isn't a school book, this is literature.

Litter-tour, litter-tour!

What literature?

It's a classic coming-of-age story about one woman's...

poignant experiences with life, love and sex.

What do you know about sex?

After I finish the book, I'll know more than you.

Not that knowing more about sex than you is a challenge.

- Have you been saved? - From what?

You'll go to hell unless you finish every bit.

If a person goes to hell for not finishing a tuna croquette...

I think I lost my salvation a long time ago.

- You coming? - Yeah, sure.

- How's it going, Sam? - Couldn't be better, sir.

Don't know if you've heard, but we're mighty proud of...

our school football team.

How'd you like to sign up?

I'd like to, but mom needs me at home.

She hasn't adjusted to the lack of humidity yet.

The thing is, it takes 22 players...

for a practice and I've only got 21.

And half of them still suck their momma's tit at night.

I no longer nurse, sir.

Let me explain the difference between an...

A and an F in English.

Me coming out for football?

That's the old school spirit.

Jump to the left, jump to the r¡ght....

sit down, stand up, fight, fight, fight!

Let's have a little game of Smear the Queer With the Ball!

Hey Sammy!

Tell us how your momma's hooters feel!

- About the same as your sister's. - I ain't got a sister, stupid.

7, 43, hut, hut!

- Dothan sure got him good. - Think he's hurt?

No. He's just playing possum.

Sissy boy! Come on, get up.

Come on, Sam. Get up! Get up!

Coverage continues on the assassination...

of President John Kennedy.

At 12:35 Central Standard Time....

President Kennedy was shot as his motorcade...

passed through Dallas.

Governor Connally was also shot.

Thousands of mourners are at Parkland Memor¡al Hospital....

to mourn the passing of....

They killed President Kennedy.

Are you sure?

It's on the news.

- Who killed him? - Texans.

- Crying over the nigger-lover? - Shut up, Dothan.

You know what the kids are getting for Christmas?

AJack-in-the-box.

I never knew you cared.

What are you doing, boy?

Trying to take up for your girlfriend?

What the hell's your problem?

Stop it!

- They started it, Coach! - Lay off.

The little bastard's liable to hurt somebody!

The President's dead and he was celebrating!

Let's get out of here.

Where?

We can watch the news at my house.

You think they'll miss us?

All the rules are off today.

Nothing we do matters.

I guess it all depends on your perspective.

As the rest of the country was mourn¡ng their great loss...

things were starting to look up for me.

I bet Mom will have heard about the assassination...

but it'll have no effect on her.

She'll be baking cookies and waxing the floor.

My mom never baked a cookie in her life.

Come on.

You're home early.

They let us out because of the assassination.

Isn't it a shame about Mr. Kennedy?

I wonder if they'll let Petey out early.

I'll just finish this and I'll make us some cocoa.

- This isn't a time for cocoa, Mom. - It's always time for cocoa.

The world's gone straight to hell in a handbasket.

I had to come here because my television's out of order.

How about you?

I don't have a TV.

It's years since I met anyone who didn't own a television.

You can't meet many Indians.

You're an Indian?

Blackfeet.

My daddy can't stand Indians.

- I wish my dad was here. - Where is he?

We have a horse ranch 10 miles up in the mountains.

He has to feed every day, so he stays there most of the winter.

- What's your dad do? - I don't have a father.

Did he die?

Lydia won't tell me anything about him.

When she's drunk she claims virgin birth like Mary and Jesus.

I'd like to see my mom drunk.

It's not that neat.

She has these pictures of 5 guys in football uniforms in her panty box.

Her panty box?

I figured one of them might be my dad.

What were you doing in your mother's panty box?

One of the guys is a Negro.

Mom! I'm home!

Hey, we're watching that!

This stinks.

Mom, Maurey won't let me watch Rocky.

You know he always watches Rocky. What's up with you?

Look, brat.

Our President is dead!

Some things are more important than Rocky the Flying Squirrel!

Daddy!

Hey.

How's my favourite girl?

Hi.

Hi.

There's an Indian in our kitchen.

That's Hank.

He's Blackfoot, or "feet". I get it mixed up.

Hank knows lots of nifty stuff about the forest.

You went into the forest?

It was a hoot, Sam. I tried something new.

How about that?

How about that?

Did you expect me to stay on this couch forever?

So what's Hank doing in our kitchen?

Fixing supper.

Some staple he said got his tribe through hard winters.

Caspar's gonna pass a brick.

Isn't that wonderful?

Hank, what's that Indian thing you're making?

Macaroni cheese.

Welcome Wagon.

Jeez!

Yuck!

Explain this.

Sammy?

I think there's something wrong with me. I must be sick.

You blew your nose on a sock?

It didn't come from my nose.

You masturbated?

I woke up with it all over me.

Were you dreaming before you woke up?

Was there a girl in the dream?

Did you recognise her?

She kissed me and I felt funny.

You had a wet dream, honey.

Boys have them all the time.

Well, do something with it.

Things like this don't happen to boys with fathers.

So crucify me.

Every kid in Wyoming knows what a wet dream is...

and they're laughing at me right now. Calling me squirrel.

Poor Sammy.

He just moved a step closer to being a grown-up.

I couldn't wait to tell Maurey what I'd learned.

I explained the whole process to her.

Except the part where her mom caused the mess on my belly.

How much goo came out? A cup? Aquart?

- Not a quart. - How much, then?

It was spread out. About a third of a cup.

I'll lose my virginity someday, and when I do...

I don't want to seem ignorant.

I wanna know what's going on every second.

Don't you kids know coffee stunts your growth?

Do you and your husband have sex?

Maurey Pierce! Wash your mouth out with soap!

- I didn't say a dirty word. - You did so.

Sex is a dirty word?

We don't talk about it in mixed gender company.

I'll be outside.

Wh¡le Maurey was gett¡ng the low-down from Dot...

I turned to my dream girl.

I had so many questions. I needed someone to talk to.

Someone willing to explore the secrets of love.

I needed a professional.

My mom won't be home for twenty minutes.

You wanna do me again?

I don't know. That'll be 5 times...

since school this afternoon.

It's not romantic to keep score.

So what'd she say?

She said sex is a wonderful experience...

but can only be done right when two people are in love.

Grown-ups are full of bull.

Okay, Delores. Corner pocket.

Geronimo!

She did it...

That means I go again, right?

Daddy wants to run for governor or something.

And he thinks having an illegitimate grandson around...

would cause embarrassment.

That's why Sam and I've been banished to the hinterlands.

I was given a choice between Sam goes or we both go.

We got politicians in my family, too.

They're worse than cowdogs.

This doesn't mean that we're going steady.

Yeah.

I mean, we're not even dating.

You got that?

This is strictly a one-night stand.

And no commitments.

I don't wanna feel.

You got that?

Hello?

Idle hands are the Devil's playground.

- Grampa? - Excellent.

Hand the phone to your mother.

Lydia?

Jeez, Lydia...

Grampa, she isn't here right now.

Well, where is she?

She went for a job interview at the church...

for secretary or something.

Your mother will never work a day in her l¡fe.

She's turned over a new leaf. Must be the fresh air.

She's changed. She's responsible now.

- I control the cash flow. - I respect that, sir.

Tell her she dumps the Indian or faces the wrath of God.

That would be you, sir?

Hi, Sam. Your mom and 8 other drunks rented...

a hotel room in Dubois after the bars closed last night.

They're having a party.

My cousin Delores is there.

Delores' husband told her mom, hoping to get Delores dragged out...

but it didn't work.

I'm making coffee. You want some?

I want to explain the rules before we do this.

Do what?

Make sex. Why else would I be here?

- We're going to perform sex now? - After coffee.

It's time you and I find out what the big deal is with sex.

You think Lydia will come home today?

Doubtful. Think you can get a stiffy?

I don't know. They come and go on their own.

Haven't learned how to control them yet.

Maybe it'll happen naturally.

I heard something about putting it in the girl's mouth.

I'm not doing anything that'll make me throw up.

- We're both virgins. - I never said I was a virgin.

We're both virgins, but someday we'll be doing it for real.

So today's sex isn't real?

We're just friends learning a new skill. This is practice.

Will we still be virgins afterwards?

That's part of what we're gonna learn...

where the line between virginity and non-virginity is.

Rule number one: You better not squirt.

And no kissing. Kissing is mushy emotional stuff.

We can't do this if you're gonna get mushy.

I promise. No mush.

Wish we didn't have to be naked.

That's a big part of doing it, I'm sure.

Go on.

You first.

Jeez, Louise.

Your turn.

This is as far as I've dreamed. I'm ready to quit.

Sam.

I thought you'd be bigger.

- It swells up when it gets big. - A horse's is as big as its leg.

It's not fair to compare people to horses.

This doesn't look possible.

Horses do it with the stallion standing behind the mare.

- Forget horses, okay? - You got a better idea?

Maybe if I stand on a chair.

My books don't say anything about the girl standing on chairs.

Books skip this part and go on to how wonderful it was.

- Maybe if we kiss? - I told you, no kissing.

Maybe if you touch it with your hand.

Okay, but don't look.

That's my bellybutton.

Sam!

This is nowhere near a third of a cup!

- Did we lose our virginities yet? - I sure as hell didn't.

Dibs on the can!

To hell with that. Crap it all anyway.

- Sam, meet my cousin Delores. - Hi.

Howdy.

Maurey, I won't tell Laurabel you were here...

if you don't tell her you saw me.

What's in the bottle?

Turpenhydrate and codeine.

It's good for when you wanna stop drinking.

Your turn.

Hi, Mom.

Who?

Hi, Lydia.

This is my friend Maurey from school.

Oh, Welcome Wagon.

My mom made me come. She thinks she's Betty Crocker.

Never be embarrassed by your mother.

Sam's embarrassed of me and look how he turned out.

Had to whiz like a race horse.

You don't buy codeine cough syrup, you rent it.

What have you kids been up to all morning?

Gin Rummy.

I owe Maurey $3.50.

No, we weren't.

We were trying to have sex, only we couldn't.

Why were you trying to have sex?

I wanna know what it's like before puberty and I got to do it for real.

And I figured Sam'd be more popular if he knew how to please girls.

He hasn't been too popular so far.

What's the matter? Having a problem keeping your weenie up?

It stood up.

But we couldn't figure out where he should go in.

And then he squirted.

Your turn.

Do you and your momma have chats like this?

My mother thinks I'm sweet 14 and never been kissed.

I knew where to go in, I think, but it wouldn't go.

I must be too big.

Nobody's too big.

- Were you good and excited? - Excited?

Yeah.

Yeah. Excited is when you're...

Wet.

Nice or wet.

- Down there. - Yeah.

Should I have used water?

Water doesn't quite cut it.

I need a cigarette.

Foreplay's the only way a gentleman excites a lady.

What's foreplay?

That's when a man squeezes your boobs...

and then whispers dirty in your ear.

Delores!

Lydia.

I wish my mother had taken the time...

to talk to me about those things.

All right.

If you're gonna do this, might as well do it right.

Oh, no!

Now...

Maurey looks something like that, right?

My eyes were closed.

What you wanna do is to go in down here, and...

one of you has to grab it and angle it right...

'cause it'd take years to slide in on its own.

Years.

Now, two things...

You two go on and play your little boylgirl games...

but after Maurey's first period the game stops.

What's a period?

Number two...

it's a matter of form.

Don't talk like this in front of adults.

At your age, sex is something to hide.

Why?

Society would fall apart if people were honest about screwing.

Let's go to your room and read comic books.

Yeah, comic books sound fun.

- I did a bad thing. - No.

- Ten-letter word for "lampoon". - Satirise.

It's too short.

Will you explain to me about women?

Women are right and men are wrong, that's all you need to know.

I mean about liking.

Now Maurey and I have done it, will she like me?

Maurey'll always have a warm spot in her heart...

when she thinks about you.

She says we're just friends.

You're lucky. You can have the fun of love without heartbreak.

What if I like her and get my heart broke anyway?

Then you're a sucker. Here's the deal, Sam.

If you sleep with a girl and after she likes you as a friend...

then she'll always like you as a friend...

and she'll never like you as a lover.

And there's nothing in this world you can do about it.

Are you scared to admit that the other night meant something?

What happened between us was what I like most.

Sex without consequences.

Mom, I'm home.

If I'm stupid, I go to jail.

If you're stupid, you get sent to live...

with the commoners for a few months.

The worst thing that could happen to you...

is you might lose your trust fund.

I'm not spending the rest of my life...

waiting for free cheese at the county office.

Got rid of another one.

Go screw your girlfriend and leave me alone.

We're going on a double date to the Saturday matinee.

You and me and another couple?

No. Me and Dothan and you and Chuckette Morris.

Dothan's our mortal enemy.

He's your mortal enemy, he's my boyfriend.

But Dothan cheered when Kennedy died. He said "nigger".

He's just repeating crap his racist dad spews at home.

He didn't know any better.

- He rubbed our faces in the dirt. - And he apologised.

Not to me.

Dothan was jealous when he saw us sitting together.

- He's liked me since 5th grade. - Do you like him?

That's not the point. He has a learner's permit and a car.

We can double with you and Chuckette.

I can't stand Chuckette Morris.

But she likes you. This is your chance to get a date.

Hurry up, Mom will be home soon.

You gonna kiss me or not?

You'll have to take out your gum.

But I just bought it.

Suit yourself.

I didn't know when I moved here if I'd fit in, but...

you kids are really great!

Okay, you win.

You bit my tongue!

Get her, Sammy.

That was disgusting!

It was a kiss.

With your wet gross tongue hanging out?

- Is that how boys back East kiss? - It's how everybody kisses.

It's not how the Nazarenes do it.

Daddy said boys would try to get me passionate...

so they could make me pregnant and ruin my life...

and trick me into going to hell.

You don't sound passionate.

I wasn't ready. Let's try again.

You're home, Sam.

Wanna come in? Lydia's got some new records.

No, thanks. Dothan's taking me on home.

You sure?

Get out of the car, Sam.

I'll be fine.

You'll be okay?

What do you think I'm gonna do to her?

Go on, Sam.

Atta-boy, Sam.

I see Don Juan's decided to grace us with his presence.

Here comes the bride, all dressed in wh¡te....

What's with the Don Juan crack?

So, you slipped the tongue to Chuckette.

Well, she said "kiss me" so I kissed her.

She claims you were smack-dab passionate.

Where'd you learn to kiss, anyway?

Watching Lydia and her boyfriends.

If Mom lets me out, I'll be over after "Dick Van Dyke".

Maybe we could try kissing.

Do you practice sex with Dothan?

Of course not. He's my boyfriend.

Morning, darling.

I like a boy who'll come with me and carry my tray.

It's alright this time, but your manners...

will have to improve since we're going steady.

- Who said we're going steady? - Everyone.

They know what you did to me at the movies.

There's more to commitment than biting someone's tongue.

That behaviour may pass back East, but in Wyoming we're moral.

Oh yes, you have to give me your jacket.

What?

Lt'll be a letter jacket next year. We'll make do for now.

It's freezing outside.

What better way to prove your love for me...

than to sacrifice your jacket for my comfort?

I don't want to prove my love.

They'll think you took advantage of me.

They'll say I'm cheap.

Come on, darling. Let's go.

Jesus...

Hank's truck out front was a good sign.

The p¡pes were frozen when I left forschool...

which put Lydia in an even nastier mood...

than she'd been in s¡nce their fight.

I figured they were upstairs having a make-up orgy.

I was glad for them. They seemed to like each other.

But your mom's your mom, and I'd hoped they'd hear me and stop.

I wasn't in the mood for moans and groans from my mother.

Mom?

Mom!

Mom...

Lydia?

Hi, honey bunny!

Hi, Lydia.

Hank went under the house with a torch and thawed the pipes.

Wasn't that nice of him?

Give us a sip.

There's a letter from Caspar on the table.

Yeah? What's Grampa got to say?

The usual threats. Nothing for you to worry about.

We're living so clean and wholesome in Wyoming...

even Caspar can't touch us.

Ta-da!

- I didn't have time to wrap it. - What else were you doing?

Now you can listen to your stupid baseball games all night.

- Thanks, Mom! - Sam...

I mean, thanks, Lydia.

My present's out in the back.

So, are we gonna keep him?

Don't be ridiculous, he's not a sweater.

I never said he was.

Besides, we won't be here for long.

Happy Christmas.

What's that?

By tradition it ought to be a horse. But I wasn't sure you wanted one.

Sam helped me choose it.

I told him you'd never get on it in a million years.

You got that right.

Yeah, I said Caspar won't let you ride a bike.

Whoo!

Come on, Sam.

All right.

Hey.

I'll give you 5 bucks if you can knock my hat off.

- Come on, catch up. - Yeah.

See, I can ride with no hands. Well, one hand.

Don't run me over.

Should've got her a damn horse!

Catch her!

- This ain't so hard. - Come on, hurry up.

Get back here, Lydia!

Time out.

Maurey doesn't love me, Sam. She loves you.

- You can have her. - That's awfully sporting of you.

No sweat. I'm in love with another.

Is Lydia here?

Yeah, we're going on a picnic. You wanna come?

- Is Lydia coming? - Well, yeah.

Hank said we'd see a great view of the lake.

He'd better not be lying.

Hey, look.

In nature a person can be idealistic.

You can believe in things.

Like what?

Like beauty, and the nobility of humans.

People in cities can't believe in nobility...

because they see no sign of it.

I love it when he talks like Chief Joseph.

How can you tell if you're pregnant?

The game was supposed to end with your first period.

I haven't had a period yet.

What's a period?

I hardly know what being pregnant feels like myself.

I was only with child once and I wasn't much older than you.

I'm just a kid. I can't have a baby.

That's what I thought.

You didn't call me. I don't know why I go steady with you.

You're supposed to call me once a day.

Sharon's boyfriend calls her a dozen times a day.

He lets the phone ring once...

and then hangs up to let her know he still loves her.

And this morning you didn't even notice my new skirt.

I was appalled. Even Rodney made a compliment.

And did I get anything from you? No!

It hurts! I'm trying to look nice for you.

You're my boyfriend.

If this relationship doesn't start to improve...

then I'm afraid it won't work out.

Are you okay?

What do you think?

If you're pregnant, I'll marry you.

Sam, I can't marry you.

Why not?

I'm fourteen years old.

It's not gonna be so bad, honey.

We can rent an apartment. I'll get a job.

- Sam, don't be a squirrel. - Are you coming or not?

Yeah.

Good, you navigate.

Nobody asked me what I wanted to do about the baby.

No, and no-one's going to.

Delores says this is a nasty town.

And she doesn't mean nasty in a nice way.

I gotta be home before Mom gets back from Idaho Falls.

Let's do it then.

Are you all right?

They're ready for you.

This is the shits.

You're gonna be okay.

I know.

Right this way, sweetheart.

- Here you are, dear. - Thank you.

They all know why we're here.

Sam. Stop fidgeting.

I'll wait in the waiting room.

Fine.

Sam?

Maurey...

Sam, let's go.

Maurey!

Maurey...

Laurabel Pierce and Coach Stebbins!

It puts a new meaning into Welcome Wagon.

Daddy...

Daddy...

How could Maurey and her mom have an abortion at the same time?

There's only one clinic doing them for hundreds of miles...

and then only on Saturdays.

I bet there never was a bridge club in Idaho Falls.

While Daddy's at the ranch taking care of the horses...

Mom's naked with Howard Stebbins sticking his greasy thing in her.

I hate mothers.

Sure you don't wanna come home with us?

I have to fix Petey's supper. Mom might not be home till late.

Sam...

she's barefoot.

Oh.

I'll see you tomorrow.

- So are you gonna keep the baby? - I can't think about that now.

Okay.

What's the matter with you?

I deserve some fun tonight.

Raising kids is a lot of responsibility.

How would you know?

What does that infer?

I didn't know she'd get pregnant.

I've just about had it with yourjudgmental attitude.

Those kids were fourteen.

You taught them sex games.

Your father's right.

Sam couldn't be worse off in military school.

You finished with that?

Come on, Dougie, dance with me.

Come on, Dougie.

Yeah...

Who do you have to fuck in this joint to get a cup of coffee?

I heard Hank's truck last night.

- He knows what you were doing. - So shoot me.

Morning.

Well, are you gonna have the baby?

I guess so.

Really?

Why are you so happy?

I don't know, I guess I'm ready to be a father.

Morning, ladies.

What's Hank doing?

What's that he's got?

It's our moose.

- He's drunker than a skunk! - Hank doesn't drink.

Maybe he's sick.

Oh, shit...

What was that about?

- Have you lost your mind? - You all right?

Hey, butt-face!

Don't call me butt-face.

Maurey's pregnant. You could've hurt her.

Your mother's a whore.

That still doesn't give you the right to hurt Maurey.

I'm sorry.

But your mother's still a whore.

You okay?

Another pitiful man put his hopes on you and you took him down.

Fuck you, Sam.

Fuck you too, Mom.

Your parents have a really nice ranch.

Thanks.

Are you sure you should be doing that?

Dad says I was born on a horse. Come on.

You want me to get up there?

Why not, silly?

Is your dad suspicious yet?

If we were older, he'd be watching you like a coyote.

Right now, his worst fear's Lydia giving me a cigarette.

Does your mom know you're still pregnant?

Mom won't say a word, but she's going nuts to find out.

She sneaks in my room when she thinks I'm asleep...

and stares at me for hours.

It's spooky.

Isn't being friends much better than girlfriend and boyfriend?

If you were my boyfriend I'd never show you this spot...

because we might break up and then where would I be?

Where would you be?

Someone I don't like would know my secret.

But I still want to have sex with you.

We can't have sex now. You're my friend.

I can't risk losing you for something as silly as sex.

I'm confused.

You bike back to town without me.

- I think I'll talk to Dad. - Are you sure?

It's time.

Any chance you might skip the part about who the father is?

I'll try. But you and Lydia better lock your door tonight.

Hi.

Thanks, sugar.

Maurey told her dad about the baby this afternoon.

- What do you think he'll do? - Buddy Pierce...

will brand your butt.

Are you speaking literally or metaphorically?

I'm God's gift to horses.

Yes, sir.

I accidentally squirted into your daughter...

and now she's with child.

No!

- Can I stay till the baby comes? - Of course.

So, how'd it go with your dad?

He said I'm a slut and he's ashamed I'm his daughter.

You just surprised him. Give him a few days, he'll come around.

No, he won't. Daddy has morals and I don't.

I'll sleep on the couch.

No. That's too far away.

Sleep here on the floor, in case I need you.

All your life I've tried to set an example...

of how to deal with public disapproval.

It's time to show what you've learned, honey.

I feel like Lee Harvey Oswald.

It's like we have the ultimate cooties.

See you at lunch hour, Sammy boy.

Sorry I got Maurey pregnant while we were going steady.

Sam...

- Did she tell on me? - Tell on you?

Does her father know about, you know?

That you and her mom shared an abortion?

No.

She loves her dad too much to tell him you screwed her mom.

I haven't talked to Laurabel since the day at the clinic.

Tell Maurey that.

So you got her an abortion, then dumped her.

Wasn't that what I was supposed to do?

How'd everybody find out?

Now I've told Dad, it doesn't matter who else knows.

- So who did you tell? - Him.

Sammy boy, how's it shaking?

- About the same. - Good.

Still on for Friday night? "Town Without Pity" is on at the movies.

Bring Chuckette, and maybe Saturday we'll go parkin'.

I don't know. I'd have to ask Chuckette.

He'd have to ask Chuckette.

This boy gets any funnier, they'll put him on the TV.

How come Dothan didn't beat me up at lunch?

He's an understanding guy.

And I said I'd break up with him if he was mean to you.

Spring in Wyoming lasts about two weeks...

and is marked by mud and rampant pregnancy.

With all of nature knocked-up...

Maurey and I felt r¡ght at home.

We discovered the best thing about being ostracised by the town....

is that people leave you alone.

With Hank gone, Lydia was crankier than usual.

And the rising heat d¡dn't help Maurey's mood much either.

She said be¡ng pregnant was wretched. But the truth is....

¡t didn't bother me that much.

I'm going for a bike ride, wanna come?

Sure.

Do you brush your teeth every day?

Yes, Mom.

And use a fresh towel after every shower.

I will.

Bye.

I can't believe you're bringing Dothan.

He's my boyfriend. Be nice to him.

- What happened to your arm? - My Daddy broke it.

Why would he do that?

- 'Cause I was mouthing off. - So he broke your arm?

I deserved it. Can we just drop it?

Dropped.

Howdy, folks!

You're gonna be glad you came today.

We got a real good rodeo here in Gro Vont.

It rained earlier, but the sun's out now.

Mud and blood's what rodeo's all about.

Let's have a big hand for Joe Brannigan.

A b¡g hand's all he's gonna win today.

The mastery of a horse is just competitive sex.

Proof that man can subjugate anything wild...

and beautiful once he gets it between his legs.

And then they win a belt buckle for lasting 8 seconds.

Next contestant is Hank Elkrunne....

right here from Gro Vont.

All right, Hank!

That time puts Hank Elkrunner ¡n the lead!

I fail to see how hurling a dumb animal...

to the earth makes a man the object of mass approval.

Thank you kindly, Hank.

- Looks like a stud to me. - Thanks, folks.

Ladies and gentlemen, just stay calm...

Give me some help here.

Get help, he's hurt!

- I should see about Mom. - I'll go with you.

It's unfortunate that these th¡ngs happen...

Come on, move it.

Watch him. Easy, easy.

I'll be back in a bit.

Thanks, fellas, he's gonna be fine.

Momma...

I have to clean the floor before Buddy...

gets home or he'll be angry.

It's okay. Leave the floor till later.

I can't leave any tracks on the linoleum.

She's nuts.

Oughta be locked up.

This is your fault.

No more than you.

You! My baby! You killed my baby!

What's she talking about?

- He killed my baby! - I don't know.

Momma, it's okay.

- No! No! - Momma!

Mom!

- Mom, what are you doing? - Get this off of me!

We have a lady up in the grandstand....

We need to help her.

Someone should get her, she'll get hurt.

Can we get some help for the lady?

Ladies and gentlemen...

- it'll be fine. - No! Let me go!

Stay sitting and let the cowboys see to it.

Thank you, Hank. Appreciate it.

- No. - Easy, Ma'am.

Get away from me! Get away from me...

It's all right.

Momma?

Lt'll be all right.

Buddy'll be at the hospital.

We'll follow in case you need us.

Pride means nothing if you lose a good man.

Yeah.

Will someone please explain what this pride nonsense is about?

Life's too short for me to waste any of it.

See you around.

You can't get away from me, you redskin sonofabitch!

I'm talkin' to you! Hey!

- You think she'll get him? - Hank don't stand a chance.

I'm your squaw, dammit!

Hank, listen to me!

Okay! Geronimo, baby!

Weird.

You know why women fake orgasms?

I don't give a hoot why women fake orgasms.

I'm not comfortable.

- Women fake orgasms... - Listen to the birthday girl!

Women fake orgasms because men fake foreplay.

You know, sometimes when I have a real orgasm...

I tell the man I faked it, just so he don't get cocky.

I hate cocky men!

My baby's gonna be raised on marshmallows.

I raised Sammy on Dr. Pepper and look how he turned out.

- I turned out okay. - Says who?

Get him, Hank! Get off me!

Get him, Hank. Get his feet! Sit on his feet!

Get the marshmallows. You're dead, bro!

No, no!

- Put the marshmallows in his ears! - Say uncle, say uncle.

No.

- Hi-ho Silver! Away! - Delores!

Get up, Sam.

I said get on your feet.

Samuel, get on your feet.

This is your Sunday uniform at the Custer Military Academy.

As soon as you clear that muck out of your ear...

- go in the house and put it on. - Daddy?

Be silent, girl. We're going home now.

We will place Samuel at Custer and then you and I...

will proceed on to Greensboro.

Wait a second. We can't go home.

We're having a baby.

I'm sure that little girl has a mother of her own.

My mother's in a nut house.

Be that as it may, you've made your bed and now you'll lie in it.

I will not stand by and see my grandson snared by a spider.

- Maurey's not a spider. - I told you to be silent.

I won't. Youjust can't come here and ruin everything.

This is our home now. These people are our family.

Family? Ha-ha!

A floozy, a Kiowa and a very pregnant little girl.

Tell me...

which member of your new family's gonna pay next month's rent?

Blackfeet.

Just exactly what is that supposed to mean?

I'm Blackfeet, not Kiowa.

I understand you live in a one-room trailer.

You think she's gonna like living there and carrying your papooses?

Daddy, you're such an asshole.

Oh, that could be.

When you get to the point where you can pay your way in life...

you can live anywhere you want, in any disgusting manner you want.

But as long as I'm paying the bills, you will do as I dictate.

Is that understood?

Go in and put your uniform on.

You don't have a lot to say about it.

I decided l¡fe is a gyp.

Why couldn't people just do what I wanted?

Maurey wasn't ¡n love with me, not in the right way.

If we were in love like Romeo and Juliet...

we could fight caspar.

We could flee to the mountains, or cha¡n ourselves to a rock.

Romeo and Juliet were 14, and no-one treated them l¡ke kids.

Butof course, they died at the end.

How'd you get here from town?

Hank brought me.

He's at the ranch talking to Dad.

Your grandfather isn't happy with you.

I'll never put on that uniform. Never.

Yes, you will.

You and Lydia are both hopeless and we all know it.

I won't leave you and the baby.

I'll hide in the mountains and live on bushes and frogs if I must.

We made a mistake.

The baby's coming whether anybody's ready or not.

Don't be sad, Sam.

No matter how bad everything is...

you and I will have a baby.

You'll be 18 in 4 years, then you can come back.

Come on.

Come on.

- I'm gonna get you. - No! No!

- Watch out! - You're going in the water.

Sam?

- Are you okay? - Ljust felt the baby.

Congratulations, Mr. Pierce. You're a grandfather.

- All right. - What about me?

You have a daughter.

Her name's Shannon.

That's pretty.

Can I touch her?

Okay, but be gentle. Babies aren't footballs.

Yeah. They don't travel as far when you kick 'em.

That's not funny, Sam.

I hope she grows up to have my looks and Dad's brains.

- What about me? - She'll have your heart.

It's hard to see how goo on a sock could lead to this.

Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah.

- I wanna go home. - After we eat.

I can't go in there. My grandfather will kidnap me.

Your grandfather won't kidnap you.

He'll take me straight to Custer Military Academy.

I won't let him.

Come on.

Hi, Sam.

- So, what'd she name the baby? - Shannon.

My god, that'll never do.

My baby's name is Shannon.

Who do I have to fuck in this joint to get a cup of coffee?

Keep your pants zipped, Jack!

Mom?

Mutual trust and respect, Sam.

Always remember what our relationship is based on.

I may have a granddaughter, but I'm not thirty yet.

- You can't work here, Lydia. - Watch me.

She won't last a month. First time she breaks a fingernail...

- she'll come home to Daddy. - Fat chance, Daddy.

So does this mean I don't have to go to Custer?

That's right. As long as we pay our own way...

the old goat can't force us anywhere.

- She'll never pay the rent on tips. - Dot does.

I'm moving in, too. Selling my trailer and coming to town.

Maurey's family'll help pay our rent.

Maurey's moving in?

Part-time, while Buddy's at the ranch.

Now. What can I get you fellas?

I don't have all day to chit-chat with the rabble.

Sam Callahan, I wanna have your baby.

We all wanna have your baby.

We want you to be the Dad of a new generation.

I'm sorry, I'd love to father your child.

But my heart belongs to my true love.

It's not proper to have babies by more than one girl at a time.

You've broken my heart.

Be strong.

Someday you'll understand the theory of one man...

one baby.

I'm going to Green River after cheerleading practice...

so you have to handle the 6 o'clock feeding.

I'm the father, not the babysitter.

Same difference.

Now, be a good baby.

Lydia'll help you if you need anything.

I won't need Lydia.

- Bye. - Bye, Sam.

The future lay before Sam like the great American novel

just waiting to be written.

Lyd¡a would marry Hank and join the Welcome Wagon.

Maurey would grow to love Sam...

the way mothers are supposed to love fathers.

Shannon would grow up beautiful, talented and virginal.

Sam knew the trail ahead would be long...

steep and littered w¡th horse manure...

but he was ready now.

Because somehow, some way, the waitress, the Indian...

the cheerleader and the 15- #year-old father #would survive.

They were the#modern American fam¡ly.