Original subtitles

[phone rings]

[both panting]

‐ [quietly] Oh, fuck.

Do you want to go from behind?

‐ Fuck, yeah. ‐ Shh.

[moaning]

[phone ringing]

I feel like, just go. ‐ Okay.

RAPPER: ♪ Jump in that pussy like I scuba dive ♪

♪ Boy, don't test your luck, could be the day ♪

♪ That you finna die ♪

‐ That was good. And also very intense.

Like, I never thought I'd fuck my boyfriend at my job.

‐ We just got paid to cum.

[sighs]

What do I do with this?

‐ Okay, don't, like...

dangle it at me like it's a prize, okay?

Just throw it away,

but don't throw it away in the office,

because Ruthie,

she goes through everyone's trash all the time.

‐ Well, but I can't, like, flush it down the toilet

because of the turtles and stuff.

‐ Why? What are the turtles gonna do?

‐ Don't they feed on semen? ‐ I don't know.

Just throw it away in the dumpster

that's around the corner.

‐ On it.

‐ Wait.

You don't think anyone will be able to, like, tell, right?

‐ Why would they? ‐ I don't know.

You look very‐‐insanely sweaty, and you also have, like...

a little bit of, like, a "fuck" look in your eye.

‐ Oh, no. I mean, I'm sweaty, but...

I'm kind of always sweaty, so...

I think we're good.

‐ Yeah.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Ooh! ‐ Ow.

Oh, my God. ‐ I'm so sorry.

RUTHIE: What's wrong with...

wait, you look like something's up.

‐ No, nothing's up.

I'm actually‐‐

I'm extremely normal and how I always am.

‐ You're really clammy, and you smell like...

animal.

Are you on drugs?

‐ Nope. No, mama.

No, mama. I'm good, mama.

I'm...

I'm‐‐I'm‐‐ got to be me, mama.

‐ You "got to be me, mama"?

‐ Yeah, I got to be me, mama,

so mama's gotta do what mama‐‐mama gonna do.

‐ Okay, well, Gabe wants to see you.

Mama.

‐ Could be a fun thing for us.

[upbeat punk music]

♪ ♪

Hello. Oh!

‐ Annie, how's it going? ANNIE: Hi. Hi.

GABE: Hey, I just wanted to check in

and see how the WA‐HAM thing was going.

‐ Oh, yeah, it's‐‐ it's going great.

Yeah, I'm just still sort of plugging away at it,

but I really can't thank you enough.

I feel like you just reached right in there and, like,

pulled it all out of me like a tapeworm.

‐ That's disgusting.

‐ Yes, well...

I honestly‐‐ I feel closer to you.

‐ I like that. ‐ Mm.

‐ You know, tonight, uh,

I'm having this dinner thing I do once a month.

It's like an intellectual salon.

‐ Oh, my God. Yes, I know about them.

They're absolutely legendary.

‐ All right, calm down, groupie,

or I'll change my mind,

but John Waters canceled, and you're second alternate.

‐ So that means...

‐ You're in. Tonight.

7:00 p.m. Bring a date.

But, you know, Annie, just be cool,

'cause I don't invite a lot of people from the office.

‐ I will be so cool.

I will be so cool, it's gonna be freakin' coo‐‐

the coolest you've ever seen me.

I'm second alternate to John fuckin' Waters.

‐ That's fucking huge, dude. ‐ [squeals]

‐ Not to brag, but I've actually

been to three of these things.

‐ What? AMADI: Yeah.

Gabe realized he didn't have any black friends,

so he started inviting me.

‐ Ooh, God.

‐ That's the fun reverse racism.

You feel me? ‐ Mm?

Okay, well, what should I expect?

‐ Oh, it's, like, rich freaks and fancy art people.

But oh, Sheila Branch is gonna be at this one.

‐ Are you kidding me? ‐ No.

‐ You're telling me I'm gonna be at the same party

as "The Thorn's" publishers?

She's like Gabe's Gabe, right?

‐ Yeah, she's the big boss.

She's actually here 'cause, uh,

they're renegotiating Gabe's contract.

He's, like, freaking out that he's gonna lose his job.

‐ Whoa, that's crazy.

So she could fire Gabe?

‐ She could set fire to Gabe. ‐ [laughs]

‐ Are you talking about Gabe's party?

AMADI: Oh. ‐ I'm going, too, you know.

‐ Oh, di‐‐ so Gabe invited you?

‐ Yeah, well, working.

Just a little‐foods waiter.

‐ What? AMADI: Hmm?

‐ I'm gonna serve the little foods to the large people.

‐ Oh, like the cater waiter?

‐ Yeah. This party's gonna be nasty cool, right?

AMADI: Yeah.

‐ I think I'll probably not see you guys,

but I'll know‐‐ I'll make sure

you guys get the hottest‐‐ the hottest little stuff.

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ See ya.

AMADI: See ya.

She's gonna fucking kill us, right?

‐ I'm just scared that she's a ghost

that's just haunting this place,

and only you and I can see her.

‐ Emily, are you free next Saturday?

‐ I have to kiss my cat,

but then, yes.

Why?

‐ I was thinking that I should

throw myself a huge rager.

Like, in my own honor.

‐ Yes.

‐ Yeah, and it'll be called Fran‐Fest.

‐ Yes, bitch, fucking Fran‐Fest 2K20.

‐ And I have a crown. ‐ Yes.

‐ And I'm gonna come in on a throne.

‐ Yes.

‐ And you have to feed me grapes.

‐ That's fancy.

‐ Okay, so I want to invite everyone,

but also leave enough people out so that it feels exclusive.

‐ Well, then top of the list is that girl Mary

with the dead tooth.

She can shoot a little ping pong

out of her little butthole.

[Fran snickers]

ANNIE: Yeah, I wasn't trying to rush you.

I just don't want to be late for Gabe's party.

‐ Yeah, we just can't stay too long.

I've got Burger League tonight. ‐ Okay.

‐ I'm sorry, did you just say Burger League?

‐ Yeah.

Whoever eats the most burgers

gets a free burger.

You want to come?

‐ You know, there was a time when that question

would've annoyed me, and now I just feel

happy for you and your bizarre and simple life.

‐ Thanks, Fran.

‐ You know what's cool is that Burger League

has fallen on the exact same night

as the biggest networking opportunity of my career.

‐ It is very cool. ‐ Yeah, that happens.

‐ Yeah, it rocks.

‐ But it's the finals. ‐ Oh, yeah.

‐ Yeah, Annie, it's the finals.

Everyone's gonna be there.

‐ Yeah, like, Scooter and Puff.

‐ And Bucko, Pinkeye Ted.

‐ Dingus.

‐ Wait, do you actually know Puff, or no?

ANNIE: Okay, okay, we are gonna stop by Burger League

after we go to Gabe's, but our Lyft is almost here,

so bye!

BOTH: Bye.

‐ Enjoy Burger League.

Okay, Burger‐head is not invited to Fran‐Fest.

‐ Okay, but Pinkeye Ted is coming, though.

We are engaged, so it'd be weird if he didn't.

‐ I wanted to get engaged to you.

‐ It's not too late.

‐ [sighs]

‐ Try not to be so stressed, Annie.

Today's a good day.

Remember when we fucked at work?

‐ Yeah, I remember.

‐ I mean, at the hardware store,

the bathroom was so small,

I couldn't even jerk off in it.

I love this job.

‐ Yeah, I mean, I love this job, too,

which is why I feel like this might have to be

a one‐time‐only "fucking at work" experience.

‐ What, are you serious? Why?

‐ Because I just finally got back on my feet at "The Thorn,"

and Gabe's, you know, taking me seriously,

and I don't want to screw it up.

‐ Okay, you're right.

I'm sorry.

Work is really important to you, and tonight,

I'm gonna be just your arm candy,

while you impress the big boss.

‐ Okay, exactly, and then we'll have fun,

and we'll go to the Burger League.

Uh‐oh. Look who's here.

‐ Here we go. ‐ Armando.

[laughter]

RYAN: I love it.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

ANNIE: Oh, wow.

Oh, my God.

Calendar Cody's here.

And he's looking damn good in those wild PJ pants.

RYAN: He's so cool.

ANNIE: He just winked at me. He winked at me.

‐ He definitely did. He's so cool.

‐ [exhales] I know.

‐ Annie, why do I fucking do this to myself?

‐ Oh. I don't know.

‐ I invite all of Portland's biggest snobs

and cuntiest critics,

and I just feel like they hate it.

Do they hate it?

‐ I think‐‐ I think people like it.

‐ Have you seen Sheila?

Is‐‐is she looking at me right now?

‐ Oh, I don't know where she is.

I‐‐I would say don't over‐think it.

‐ Annie, you brought a distro guy as your date?

‐ Oh, yeah.

Well, he's, um...

‐ I mean, I'm her boyfriend, actually.

‐ Oh, I get this. I get this.

Sheila will think I'm not a fucking snob

in my ivory tower.

I know all my employees.

I'm a man of the people.

I‐‐I'm Mother Teresa, but less of a bitch.

‐ Yes. ‐ This is a nice move, Annie.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Okay, you guys get out there

and just dazzle these motherfuckers, okay?

And stay ordinary.

‐ Okay, I'm gonna go to the bar and get us a drink,

and then we're gonna go to Burger League, right?

‐ Well, maybe not that quick, but yes.

‐ Okay, I'm gonna get you that pink wine.

‐ Okay, rosé, but yep.

Oh.

AMADI: Hey. ANNIE: Gabe is going insane.

You're exactly right. He's freaking out.

Sorry. ‐ Oh, hey, Annie, this is Nick.

Nick's probably the best illustrator

who's ever lived in Portland. ANNIE: Oh.

‐ Oh, he did that summer cover that you like, on your cubicle.

‐ Wow, wait, that was you?

The dog in the bikini?

That's, like, my favorite cover we had all year.

‐ That's my dog. ANNIE: What?

‐ Yeah, Popcorn. ‐ Wow.

‐ She was the model for that one, so...

‐ So you live with Popcorn the model?

Sounds kind of intimidating.

‐ I mean, it's quite a life, you know?

16‐pound model running around your apartment.

‐ Ooh, yeah. ‐ Recently ate a dead bird.

‐ Well, that's my kind of girl.

‐ I'll hook you guys up. ‐ Cool.

NICK: Yeah.

MAUREEN: Maureen.

TONY: Maureen, oh, my God.

When I said subtle aromatic au jus,

was I just jerking myself off?

'Cause this smells like piss.

‐ Sir, on my honor as a part‐time catering worker,

I can assure you that there is no urine in that food.

TONY: Just...

Oh, hi!

‐ I'm, like, settled in for the night.

I wake up mid‐flight fully hallucinating.

The hit's, like, fully taken hold.

I'm, like...I don't know what's going on.

I think the flight attendants are, like,

skeletons coming for me. ‐ No!

‐ I'm ready to, like, jump out of my seat.

Yeah. ‐ That's my nightmare.

‐ It was horrifying. Horrifying.

‐ God. ‐ Whoa.

‐ Hey, Nick, this is Ryan. Ryan, Nick.

‐ Sorry, what's your name? NICK: Hm?

‐ What's your name? NICK: Nick.

‐ Hey, Nick. Ryan.

‐ Yeah, you know, um, Gabe told me to, like, mingle,

and I do want to,

so I really want to meet Sheila.

That's...

that's Sheila, right?

NICK: Yeah, that's her right over there.

I can introduce you, if you want.

Kind of makes it easier.

‐ Really?

Yeah. I mean, I would love that.

I don't know if I've had enough wine at this point, but...

‐ No, she's totally not scary.

I've been working for her for, like, ten years.

‐ Yeah, I'm very star‐struck by her.

Would you mind, Amadi,

if I left Ryan with you for just a minute?

‐ Yeah, that's cool.

ANNIE: You're good, right, Ryan?

‐ Yeah, sure. Okay.

You know about Alcatraz?

‐ The prison?

‐ Yeah, but originally, it was a military base.

Did you know that?

‐ I didn't know that. ‐ Yeah, well, it's true.

‐ I need to show you something.

You should stay down here and die.

CHRIS: Sheila! ‐ Hi, Chris!

NICK: Wait right here.

Perfect. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Now we're just gonna have a conversation.

Okay, you're gonna pretend to talk to me.

ANNIE: Yeah. ‐ Don't look back at her.

‐ Okay. ‐ Stay right here with me.

‐ Okay. NICK: And as soon as she's done

talking to this guy, we're gonna make our move.

ANNIE: Okay. ‐ Don't‐‐no, no.

Stay right here. SHEILA: I'd love to.

Let's set it up. ‐ Okay, it's almost time.

CHRIS: Yeah, sure. Congratulations.

NICK: Okay, now laugh.

[both laugh]

Okay, let's go.

‐ Oh, hey, Nick Powell. I was hoping I'd see you here.

‐ Sheila, I want to introduce you

to one of your star employees.

SHEILA: All right. ‐ This is Annie Easton.

ANNIE: Hi.

‐ "Hello, I'm fat."

Oh, my God. That piece blew my mind.

‐ Oh. Oh, my God. You saw that?

‐ Yes. In fact, I sent it to my mom, actually.

I mean, that mind prison shit, that is real.

‐ Yeah, so real.

God, I honestly can't believe you read it.

‐ I mean, of course I read it.

It shattered our traffic records.

Gabe said you went rogue when you posted it.

‐ I‐‐I did, yeah.

‐ You know, as your publisher, I should probably

tell you you should never do that again.

But we're off the clock, so fuck it.

I loved it! ANNIE: Oh, wow.

Ma'am, you have to stop.

Like, this is too much for me to take.

It's so nice.

‐ She's adorable. Where'd you find her?

‐ Well, gulp, gulp, gulp. But, you know.

‐ Ta‐da!

‐ Holy shit.

What is this?

‐ It's a gas mask collection.

[laughs]

I just hung it up.

Some of these date all the way back

to World War...eight?

Yeah?

Yeah, that sounds right.

‐ Hey, Ruthie, you live here?

‐ Yeah, I've lived here for two years.

This is my room.

Do you like how I've arranged them?

The ones that had people die in them most recently

are closest to my bed.

‐ Yeah, um, that's nice.

It's just, don't you think it's unusual

that you live with Tony and Gabe?

‐ No. I needed a place to stay,

and they needed a beautiful teen daughter

with huge, rockin' tits.

‐ Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just...

I'm, like, thrown by this whole arrangement.

‐ Well, it's weird you're not thrown

that you have an alcoholic wife that only fucks you

when you make money.

‐ Hey, whoa, wait. Ruthie...

Okay, look, hey, I'm sorry if I offended you.

I wasn't trying to get you upset.

I'm just asking questions.

‐ Well, you didn't get me upset.

But I'm sure your mom's upset,

screaming in hell because her son fucking sucks

and he's a piece of shit and he's an asshole.

‐ Ruthie.

‐ Have you done any freelance stuff outside of Portland?

‐ Oh, no.

I mean, I would love to,

but I was doing the calendar

up to, like, two months ago, so...

‐ Oh, well, you should.

I mean, you should get a feel of, you know,

working with a variety of editors.

Let me know if you want to pitch something

to one of my other papers.

‐ Oh, my God. I would love that.

That would be amazing.

I mean, if Gabe's okay with it, then yeah.

‐ Hey, Annie,

do you mind if I give you a piece of advice?

‐ Of course. It would be my honor.

‐ Gabe is truly the best at what he does.

He's brilliant, but he's a narcissist,

so it may seem like he's helping you,

but at the end of the day, he's looking out for himself.

So you need to look out for yourself too.

‐ Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

Totally.

‐ So, you know, as you develop your voice

as a writer‐‐ ‐ Hello, there.

ANNIE: Hi. ‐ Just checking on my girl.

ANNIE: Hey. RYAN: How we doing on time?

‐ Oh, yeah, good. Um...

Yeah, Sheila, this is Ryan.

‐ Oh, hey. I'm Annie's burger.

I mean, boyfriend.

[gong clangs]

‐ Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served.

‐ [sighs] Well, excuse me.

ANNIE: Yeah.

I‐‐I can't believe you just touched my ass

in front of Sheila.

And also, you interrupted something

that was kind of important.

‐ Okay, sorry. God.

ANNIE: Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad.

I just...

you know, this is almost over, and then we can go, right?

And now it's time for dinner. You love dinner.

‐ I do like dinner.

‐ Yeah, okay.

‐ Hey, Annie.

I saw you talking to Sheila.

Did she say anything about me?

‐ Uh, no. Nothing.

‐ God damn it.

I didn't want to have to, but I'm gonna have to do it.

‐ Do what?

GABE: Cody.

[whispering]

‐ Absolutely.

‐ Hey, Ruthie, can we talk real quick?

‐ [sighs] You want to hook up, don't you?

Well, you should know I'm married.

‐ Hey, Ruthie,

I just wanted to apologize

for what I said earlier.

‐ Okay.

‐ I should've been more sensitive.

And I know that Tony and Gabe are your chosen family.

I should've realized that, you know,

that things haven't always been easy for you.

‐ Oh, I‐‐I get it.

You think because I'm trans that my family

probably kicked me out or something.

‐ Well‐‐well, yeah.

‐ Um, I live here because Gabe and Tony are super fucking rich

and I don't have to pay rent and they worship me.

‐ So doesn't have anything to do with the...

‐ The trauma porn that you think my life is?

No, and I think if it did,

it wouldn't be any of your business.

‐ Copy. Yeah.

Well, still, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have assumed anything.

‐ That's okay.

Thank you for apologizing.

Oh, I missed. Well...

TONY: Attention, attention, everyone!

‐ Oh, my gosh. It's happening.

Come on, come on.

TONY: Eyes up here. Please, attention.

Please, Maureen? Eyes up here.

Ladies, gentlemen, honored guests,

I am so honored to bring you the king of sound,

the lover of my soul...

Gabe! And Cody.

[classic rock music]

‐ Oh, God. This is gonna be bad.

‐ It's too late. We're already in it.

Just buckle up.

ANNIE: [exhales]

GABE: ♪ I'm an alligator ♪

♪ I'm a mama‐papa coming for you ♪

♪ I'm a space invader ♪

♪ I'll be a rock and roll bitch for you ♪

♪ Keep your mouth shut ♪

♪ You're squawking like a pink monkey bird ♪

♪ I'm busting up my brains for the words ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Put your ray gun to my head ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Press your space face close to mine, love ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Don't fake it, baby ♪

♪ Lay the real thing on me ♪

♪ The church of man, love ♪

♪ Is such a holy place to be ♪

♪ Make me, baby ♪

♪ Make me know you really care ♪

♪ Make me jump into the air ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Put your ray gun to my head ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Press your space face close to mine, love ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Freak out in a moonage daydream ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[cheers and applause]

Cody!

AMADI: My mind is blown. ANNIE: Wow.

AMADI: I can't‐‐did you know that he was gonna do that?

RUTHIE: Yeah, he's been talking about it all week.

‐ I mean, I was, like, frozen, but then it really was amazing.

‐ I feel like he's got the pipes and he knows it.

ANNIE: Yes, totally. NICK: Like, he fully knows it.

‐ Hey, I'm getting a Lyft,

so I've made an executive decision.

It's Burger League time.

‐ Oh, okay.

‐ Cool, so I'll see you out there in a few minutes?

‐ Yeah.

AMADI: Oh, there he is! ANNIE: Oh, wow.

CODY: Been looking for you. ANNIE: Amazing.

Nick, this is Calendar Cody.

He's literally the coolest guy at "The Thorn."

‐ That is true.

‐ That's not true. That's not true.

I'm not that cool.

I'm not the one that's having sex in the office.

That's what's tight.

That's what's very cool to me.

Yeah.

‐ What?

Yeah, Angus said that you and Ryan

got busy in the server room.

They said that the distro guys were talking about it.

ANNIE: Um...

Yeah, I‐‐ I would never, ever do that.

‐ Yeah, for sure, right? Um...

Angus...you know, I'm sure I misunderstood something.

It's‐‐that's on me. That's on me.

‐ Um, could you excuse me for one minute?

CODY: I'm sorry.

‐ Did you tell everyone that we fucked in the office?

‐ No. Not everyone.

Reggie from distro just guessed it.

He said it looked like I just fucked.

I wasn't gonna lie to him,

but I didn't think he'd tell anyone.

‐ Why tell anyone anything?

That's private.

That's between us.

‐ I'm sorry, Annie.

‐ Now everybody knows,

and if Gabe finds out, I could get fired.

‐ Fuck Gabe. Who cares about him?

I mean, all those people are just pretentious assholes.

ANNIE: I care.

So you should care too.

I‐‐I want to be one of those people.

‐ Can we just talk about this in the car, please?

‐ No.

No, I'm gonna stay.

‐ Wait, are you serious?

I just spent, like, two hours at this stupid party for you.

‐ Okay, well...

I don't know what you want me to say.

‐ I don't know what to say, either.

Sorry.

I'm gonna go.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

ANNIE: Hey.

NICK: Everything good? ANNIE: Yeah.

I'm good.

♪ ♪