All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S02E02.HDTV.CROOKS.en

(Pen rasps)

(Door slams)

(Alexis pants)

Someone keeps eating my yogurt!

(Gasps)

- Arghhhh!
- What kind of yogurt?

I was saving that for after my run, David!

Oh my God, I guess I was saving it

for during your run, then.

Agh, you're like a big,
dirty raccoon, David!

Moira: Oh Alexis, you're almost forty,

if you want some food,
prepare yourself some food!

There is no food!

Nobody can cook, this
is basically child abuse!

David can cook.

I can't cook.

You got that Teppanyaki
table for your bar mitzvah.

That was thrown out after
Alexis left her extensions on it,

and everything smelled like burnt hair.

I thought it was an actual table, David.

There was a plug coming
out of the side of it!

Well, Alexis, why don't
you cook, you can cook.

- Yeah.
- I can't cook!

Why don't you cook?

Well, I-I could...
I-I could cook.

Oh, John, John! This is embarrassing!

Fine, I'll cook dinner tonight.

What was the chicken dish
that Adelina used to make?

Mm! The enchiladas.

- Yeah!
- Uh huh.

Oh, Adelina, she was a good cook, remember?

Alexis and David: Mm! Uh huh! Yeah! Mmm!

Moira: Excuse me, but the
enchiladas were my mother's recipe.

I don't think so.

Um, that's not how I remember it.

I made it for you all the time!

- John?!
- Yes, well,

if that's the way you remember
things, sweetheart, that's...

Okay, enough, tonight I will
make my mother's enchiladas.

And David, you will help me.

Uh, what?!

Oh my gosh David, it's gonna be so fun

- for you tonight, doing that with Mom.
- Don't touch me!

- It's so nice!
- Don't! That's harassment!

(Whistles)

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

(Dog barks)

(Doorbell rings, knocking)

Moira: Well, there she is!

- Hi.
- How are you today, Jocelyn?

Oh, I'm okay, busy, I mean, we were about

- to head to, um...
- How fun.

Listen, a small favour...

I require the use of your kitchen.

Sorry, for what?

To cook a meal, of course.

Oh Moira, normally I'd be happy to,

it's just we have a really
hectic afternoon, so...

David and I are going to resurrect

an old family recipe.

Mmm!

Of course I'd say... yes,

it's just that that darn
stove is on the fritz.

Oh really, honey?

Because this pie is scorching!

It comes and goes, Roland!

Oh, I'm sure it's far superior
to what we have at the motel.

David and I will manage!

Oh, I know, it's-it's just
that I called the repairman,

and so he's coming this afternoon.

- Oh.
- Who'd you call, honey? Bill?

- Yeah... Bill.
- Bill doesn't do stoves.

Then, Gary.

Gary? Our dentist??

I don't remember who I called but,

they're coming, this afternoon!

Oh.

It's as if you don't trust David and me

to fend for ourselves in your kitchen.

Oh no, we don't mind you using our kitchen,

as long as you make extra for us,

and leave a ten spot
over there for the hydro.

That I can do! I'll be back in ten,

to a clean kitchen!

- A clean kitchen.
- I just cleaned the kitchen!

How's the brisket, Mr. Rose?

Well, it's tasting more like meat.

Oh, well that's good!

You know Twyla, I've
been noticing how quiet

it is in here during the day.

Oh yeah, it's always quiet
before the lunch rush.

Which isn't so much a rush
as much as it is just a...

A handful of people showing
up at a leisurely pace.

Oh, yeah, well, the reason I point it out

is that um, you know, I've been
looking for a place to work.

- Like a-an office
space. - Uh-huh.

You see, I get a lot of
ideas back at the motel

that need serious contemplation,

but with the family there,

I just can't seem to get any work done.

- I hear that.
- So, I was wondering...

And I thought about bringing
this up the other day,

but decided against it, for some reason.

But here we are talking, so, what the hell.

What are the chances of me operating

out of one of these booths every day?

I am just gonna put these plates down.

I just think I'll think better,

once the blood rushes from
my arms, back to my head.

Oh, oh! Yes, yes, yes! Uh, absolutely!

Yeah, you can put them down, I
didn't mean to keep you, there.

I know you've got a lot of work to do.

Totally, they're just heavy plates!

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Okay.

Hey there, Johnny.

Oh, Bob, hi! Oh, I didn't see you there.

I hope you don't mind me uh,

eavesdropping on your conversation, but uh,

I think maybe I could help you.

- Really?
- I heard you're looking for office space?

- Yes!
- Well, I have a sweet little spot

you might be interested in, if uh,

if you wanna take a look.

Yes, I would! Thank you.

Happy to help, I'm sure
you'd do the same for me.

If you had anything to offer.

(Birds chirp)

- Hi.
- Hi.

Is this a safe space yet, for us? Or...

Yeah, why wouldn't it be?

Oh, okay, it's just 'cause
the last time I was in here,

you told me to leave your office,

so, I guess I was just having a hard time

gauging where we're at,

as two people who used
to um... be well, um...

How can I help you?

I-I'm wondering if I
can borrow your vehicle?

I need to get some groceries.

Sure. Do you want a lift?

Is that a trick question?

- No.
- Oh, okay.

Um...

You don't have to keep tiptoeing around me.

- I'm over it.
- Over it?

Yeah, I don't like you anymore.

I mean, like that.

Oh! Okay.

Well, that's good then, I guess.

I think so.

- Are you wearing makeup?
- So what if I am?

(Car rumbles)

(Dogs bark, phone rings)

(Knocking)

Hey! Uh, I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Uh no, no, of course not.

Okay. Um...

So I've been thinking a lot about things.

Okay, good, because I've been thinking

a lot about things, too.

- Like your proposal.
- Yeah, the more I thought about it,

the more it just didn't feel right.

Yes! I agree!

Yeah, it came out of the blue,

and you had a lot on your mind.

Yes, Ted, yes!

So I think it may be best for us just to...

Take some time, you know?

Oh my God, it's like we're sharing a brain!

Then in a few weeks, when we're settled,

and more focused on each other,

we try the whole proposal thing again.

- Hmm?
- (Alexis squeaks)

Mmm-hmm...

Unless you were gonna say something else?

(Takes a deep breath)

No! (Laughs falsely)

'Cause you and me...

You and I...

No, uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh!

(Squeaks) It's-mmm!

So uh-us, the "us" thing,

and... (Giggles) Um...

Whoa! (Laughs wildly)

So uh, what do you think, Johnny?

What do I think? I
think it's a nice garage.

- Where's the office?
- You're looking at it.

Bob, you told me you had a
sweet little office space,

okay, and frankly, working out of a garage

is not what I had in mind.

Well uh, out of curiosity,

what did you have in mind?

An office! You know, a chair, for starters!

Oh, well, we got a uh, I got a
great spot for a chair right there,

uh, you just have to move these tires.

Um, filing those papers'll
give you some extra space.

Yeah, Bob, I'm not working for you,

I'm not filing papers.

No, I'm just saying, if you
need to get a chair in here,

you know, you might
have to move some things,

maybe, you know, sell some old car parts.

Yeah, I didn't come here looking for a job.

Okay? I wanted a space
to work, and frankly...

I don't think this is it.

Okay, well uh,

I'm not saying you have to
make a decision right now,

just maybe clean it
up, and give it a think.

How about I give it a think
without cleaning it up!

Suit yourself.

As long as it gets
cleaned up at some point.

Okay, Bob...

Uh, I'm gonna leave you with your thoughts.

(Receding footsteps)

(Knocking)

- Hey!
- What's up?

Mm, uh well, good news, I um...

I finally went over to break up with Ted.

Ooh, that is good!

I was starting to think
you might never do it.

I know, I know.

It must've been hard.

It was, it was really hard.

How'd he take it?

Um, I don't know, you never
know with these things.

So... ooh!

- Alexis?
- What's up?

You didn't break up with Ted, did you?

Um, well, like I said,
I started to, and then,

I don't know if it was
the timbre of his voice,

or the fact that he
smelled like baby powder,

but I just, I physically couldn't do it!

- Okay.
- Yeah.

You know, there was... It
must happen to people, right?

Like, there must be people
out there who say yes

to getting married
because they can't say no,

and then what happens?

And then they're just stuck
for the rest of their life,

with the same wrong, sweet, person, right?

Well, I'm pretty sure
those people get divorced.

Aaah!

Alexis, you need to be honest with him.

Okay.

What if I sent him the
sweetest little text message?

Okay. Yeah.

I'll do it in person.

Obviously, I'm just...

I'm gonna do it in person.

I will do this in person!

David: Well, that was quick.

Stevie: It was a pretty short grocery list.

No, I mean, you being "over it."

I knew what you meant.

It's just a really fast turnaround.

You know, usually it
doesn't happen that quickly.

What if it does?

Well, it's just when
someone keeps telling you

that they're over it, sometimes it means

that they're not actually
over it, which is fine!

But it's fine too if they are over it.

Yeah, I just wanna make sure
that you're taking the time

to actually get over it, you know,

because if you don't, I
think it could lead to just...

You know, it's interesting,

the longer we have this conversation,

the more over it I get.

- Oh!
- In fact, I'm having a hard time

remembering when I wasn't over it.

Wow, well aren't you just a...

A pillar of strength, and self-healing.

Yeah, I'm pretty amazing.

- Uh huh.
- You really missed out.

- Oh, did I?
- 'Cause, you know,

- I'm over it.
- You're over it! Yep.

Yeah, you made that abundantly clear. So...

Moira: Okay, a quarter cup at a time.

A thin stream, it's
supposed to be a thin stream,

- and blend it really well.
- Uh huh. Uh huh.

Or you'll burn it...
David, that's not right!

Okay well, that's because
I'm ladling and stirring

at the same time, and
you're just standing there.

Now is not the time to lose focus, darling.

This was your idea!

You're the one who allegedly
made the enchiladas.

Yes, so try to keep up.

Okay, next.

Now's the time to sprinkle
in the chili pepper flakes.

We've already done that.

What number are we on?!

Oh my God, is this not
your mother's recipe?

Yes, and now I'm passing it on to you!

So try to keep up.

Um... oh!

Next step is to fold in the cheese.

What does that mean?

What does "fold in the cheese" mean?

- You fold it in.
- I understand that, but how?

How do you fold it? Do you fold it in half,

like a piece of paper,
and drop it in the pot,

or, what do you do?

David, I cannot show you everything.

Okay, well, can you show me one thing?!

You just... here's what you do:

You just fold it in.

Okay, I don't know how to
fold broken cheese like that!

Then I don't know how to be any clearer!

You take that thing that's in your hand,

- Uh huh?
- And you...

If you say "fold in" one more time...

It says, fold it in!

This is your recipe!

You fold in the cheese, then!

- Don't you dare!
- You fold it in!

David!

Oh good, now I see bubbles.

David! What does burning smell like?!

All right, here we go. Ohhh!

Hey.

Wow, twice in the same day,
what'd I do to deserve this?

Um, I was hoping we could talk again.

Oh, well, I was about to
give Hazel a blood test.

Well, I think it's probably
better if you put Hazel down.

What?! No, she'll be fine!

- It's just her blood sugar!
- No, no, no, no, no!

I just mean while we talk,
I think it would be...

Um, easier.

Oh, okay.

There we go.

Okay.

So, I did something.

I didn't do something, I
should've done something.

And I didn't.

What didn't you do?

Um, I wasn't direct with people.

People who deserve more directness.

(Takes a deep breath) People like you.

Well, that was pretty direct.

People like you deserve
better than people like me.

You're the perfect boyfriend, Ted.

- Thank you...
- But...

I knew there was a "but."

No, no, no! There is no "but."

But you're just not the
perfect boyfriend for me.

And I don't-i don't think
that I'm in this enough

to take it to the next level.

(Sighs) Okay.

Okay.

So that does mean that I don't think

that I can accept, your proposal.

Yeah, no, I pieced that part together.

Okay.

But um...

Thank you.

- For what?
- Well, I wouldn't want to marry someone

who didn't feel about me

the same way that I feel about them.

Oh wow, could you make this any harder?

Well, I did book us a
two week couples vacation

that's non-refundable.

Ooh, yeah, that makes...

That makes it harder.

Johnny: Hi Bob, what's uh, going on?

Johnny, what are you doing here?

Well, I just came by to talk
to you about the office space.

It's funny to hear that,

because before you were
saying this isn't office space.

And uh, well, I got to thinking,

well, if it's not office space,

then, what the heck is it?!

And then I remembered
Gwen's nephew, Eric, here,

was looking for studio space.

Uh, he draws Chinese cartoons.

They're Japanese graphic novels.

It's called Manga.

Johnny: Oh, well, that sounds like a...

Lucrative career choice.

So anyway Bob, I've
decided to take this space

for my office, so.

Ooh, now this is a bit awkward,

because you gave me the distinct impression

that you didn't want it.

And now we uh, have Eric here.

Johnny: Yeah, well,
Eric can find a you know,

a back room, or a dark
basement to doodle in.

Well, that's okay, Uncle Bob.

I don't have any money.

Either does Johnny, and
he's not even related to me.

No, but you said Eric was Gwen's nephew,

so technically he's not
related to you, either.

So... no offense, Eric.

No, that's fair.

Bob: Oh. Well, uh...

All right, Johnny, uh,
I guess just let me know

when you've finished cleaning up,

and uh, I'll find something
else for you to do.

Johnny: Bob, I don't work for
you, I'm just setting up an office!

Bob: No, I know, it's your space.

And uh, just so you know,
garage opens at eight,

but if you're here a few
minutes before that, even better!

(Clatters)

David: How did it go?

You smell the room, what do you think?

I-I don't know.

Well, of course you don't,

because I have not taught
you life's basic skills.

Other than cooking, what
basic life skills don't I have?

Oh David, I'm not sure
we have time for that.

You know, when I was a young girl,

my sister and I baked bread from scratch,

in a kitchen half this size.

Do I wanna hear this story?

I could make a bed, I
could fix a wobbly table,

or start a car without a key.

Then I met your father,

and suddenly I had people
to do everything for me.

And I assumed that I would
maintain my proficiencies,

should I ever, God forbid, need them.

But no, I have lost all my skills.

And now I know how it feels
to be utterly helpless,

like you, and your sister.

I don't know if I'd call us "helpless."

No need to make me feel better.

Anyway, I um... I found something.

David, that's your cell phone!

Um... you might wanna
press play on my cell phone.

Just press...

Woman on video: "Folding" is one of
the easiest techniques in the book.

It's just a very gentle way
of combining two ingredients.

See what I'm doing?

Well, that's simple enough,
any fool could do that.

- Did you do that?!
- No.

Woman on video: Folding is
most often used in baking...

- Oh, Mr. Rose.
- Oh, hi there, Ted.

I was just dropping off
some stuff for Alexis.

Oh. You wanna come in?

Uh, I think it's best if I don't.

Oh.

- Oh...
- Yeah.

We broke up.

Yeah, I... I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, me too.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Good.

(Sobbing)

Okay, that's okay.

I'm sorry, it's just...

She really made a mark on me, you know?

And it's rare to find someone
that beautiful, and smart,

and deeply selfish, yet charming!

Yeah, I know, I know.
Well, you'll bounce back,

you'll bounce back because
you're a fine young man.

You're a fine young man, and...

Yeah, yeah. I think I just...

Need to get away for a little while.

You know, clear my head a bit.

Yeah, well, that looks like
that might be a good idea.

(Sobbing)

Johnny: Well, this looks delicious!

I see someone decided on a new dish.

David: Nope, these are the enchiladas.

Yeah well, they kinda
smell like enchiladas, so...

We had lots of fun making them.

Mm! Let's not ruin a meal
by talking about the process!

Johnny: Well, fair enough.

Hey, I for one, cannot wait to dig in!

Hmm!

(Cutlery clinks)

Mmm!

Not bad. Not bad, you two!

Not bad at all!

(Clears throat)

Alexis: Mm... it's creamy.

- Very creamy.
- Mm!

Thank you, Alexis.

Well, this could be a very good thing!

I think maybe once, or twice a week...

This won't be happening again.

Uh-uh.

Although it's really not that complicated,

- once you fold in the cheese!
- Ahh...

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

Alexis hasn't been here
for a week and a half.

I had breakfast with her just yesterday.

That was me.

We had a lengthy conversation
about hosiery and menopause.

Again, that was me.