Original subtitles

Hey, what's going on?

Stars.

Stars.

See? Stars.

Now beat it. Next one.

Strike three! You're out!

Time for George Lester Enterprises. There you are.

George Lester, what are you doing here?

* Don't raise the bridge, Lower the river *

* Your sweet expressions And your funny little ways *

* Have made me understand The meaning of the phrase *

* Don't raise the bridge, Lower the river *

* It means instead of rushing fences like a fool *

* We'd do much better If we only played it cool *

* We could be sniffing the air Down in Rome *

* Hearing the bells ring out Under St. Peter's dome *

* Why do I try pointing the way to a star *

* When we get nearly as far Staying at home? *

* Don't raise the bridge Lower the river *

* Why write a book when Just a word or two will do? *

* Don't raise the bridge *

* 'Cause there's A river coming through *

* We could be tanning our hides down in Spain *

* Why do we sit right here, Driving ourselves insane *

* Why do I try Flying you up to the sun *

* When we have twice as much fun out in the rain? **

Not now, not now.

George! I want to go back to London, where it's warm.

Ooh!

But Pamela,

the whale blubber's very big this season.

Here, you lift your head out.

You should have worn a muffler.

There. This will keep you--

Just relax. That's right.

This will keep you warm.

Mush! Here we go.

Good dogs. Mush!

Little rascal. That's it.

We'll be going in a second, sweetheart.

All right, dogs, mush! That's it!

Stop!

George!

Yes, Pamela?

I want to go back to London,

where it's dry.

But sweetheart,

it's elephant burial grounds.

Everyone's wearing tusks this season.

All right, ha! Ha!

Move on!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

We appreciate it.

Thank you.

To three years of happiness, my love,

and if I may,

I would like to propose a toast to you.

George,

when are we going back to London?

Ignore it.

Just to tell them no calls.

That's all, darling.

I'm just going to tell them, no calls--

listen, you'll see-- and then we'll be alone.

Hello, this is Mister Lester.

Will you hold all my calls?

Oh, he's on his way up now. All right, thank you.

Oh, George,

not on our anniversary...

He's been trying to see me for months.

It'll take a couple of minutes, really.

I'll get rid of him, you'll hear.

There'll be a knock--

As quick as he came up, that's how quick I'll get rid of him.

Just give me a couple of seconds.

Mr. Kali, come right in.

Is your headache any better?

Nice to see you. Mr. Homer told us about you.

Won't you come in?

Sit right down. This is my wife.

Mr. Kali.

I'll get it.

Have some champagne. Take mine.

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Sabbatini...

What did you say?

Mr. Homer's check bounced? That's impossible.

I was looking over the contracts for the feather shipment

and there's a couple of clauses I'm not happy about.

Oh, yes, it's just marvelous,

and I guarantee you,

as soon as the fall-out level drops,

this property will zoom.

George!

That does it!

Pamela, it's transistorized! It's the newest in--

I've had enough!

Pam, hold on!

Pam! Will you--

Pamela!

Not now with the zebra! Not now!

Take out these chickens! Here, out!

Pamela! Will you get--

Could you prevail on Mr. Lester to get on with it?

Mrs. Lester would like to leave.

Mr. Lester,

is there something about the divorce proceedings

you don't understand?

The divorce, I understand.

The proceedings, I understand.

It's what I've done that I don't understand.

Mrs. Lester, Mr. Lester says

that he understands the divorce proceedings.

It's what he's done that he doesn't understand.

Mrs. Lester heard what Mr. Lester said,

and could you tell Mr. Lester that Mrs. Lester says,

"Can we please get on with it?"

A man meets a woman,

they fall in love, they marry.

The man works to give the woman

the best things in life,

and one day the woman says to the man, "I'm leaving."

Just like that.

A man could faint from this.

Tell Mr. Lester not to faint.

Tell Mr. Lester it really isn't so complicated.

Tell Mr. Lester if he would once-- just once--

put himself in Mrs. Lester's position,

being dragged all over the world--

To think it would come to this.

Ugly. Ugly.

Being ignored,

neglected while he wastes time

on wild, improbable schemes.

It's the same old story.

Nobody loves a loser.

Ugly. Ugly.

Tell Mr. Lester that a wife is entitled

to a certain amount of permanence.

Mr. Lester, Mrs. Lester--

Tell Mrs. Lester

that Mr. Lester is fully aware of his bad behavior,

and does Mrs. Lester know that Mr. Lester

has lain awake every night

since she's walked out on him?

Tell her that.

Mrs. Lester, Mr. Lester said--

What did you say?

Oh, tell Mr. Lester to stop this nonsense.

You're a married man.

Yes.

Look,

a man finds an insight into his true character,

and this lady calls that "nonsense."

Mr. Hartford, what do they want?

Mrs. Lester? Uh, Mr. Lester

would like you to know that he knows

how miserable he's made your life,

and he also knows you're very unworthy--

he's very unworthy of you.

It's too late, George.

I knew when I said--

Yeah.

Just one more thing, Mr. Lester.

The key to Mrs. Lester's house, please.

Oh, yes.

Here you are.

Thank you.

You, uh, might as well take the rabbit's foot.

It's going to be a sticky business, I'm afraid.

Shall we go up to London?

Please.

You go off on that trip, my dear.

Stay away for awhile.

Divorce matters take quite a time.

Thank you, Mr. Lester, for your cooperation.

Can I give you a lift?

No, thank you, Mr. Hartford, very much,

but it's at times like these

when a man must be alone with his thoughts.

Thank you anyway.

I'll just take a walk in the moors.

I don't know what they want from us.

That's what I always say to myself.

"What do they want from us?"

What do women want from men?

You knock your brains out to make a living,

you stay up all night

trying to figure new ways to make money,

and what do you get in return?

Pow, right in the kisser.

George, you're out.

It's this fluoride

they're dumping in our drinking water.

I'm telling you,

a man is going to have to take a position somewhere,

sometime, soon.

Well, I want to thank you anyhow for your advice.

You make a lot of sense.

Pamela!

Pam!

She's not here.

Well, she's not here.

She wants permanence.

She wants permanence.

I'll give her--

I'll give her permanence.

I--

I know a number...

by heart...

Hello, Mr. Clive?

Oh, hello. George Lester here.

I say, Mr. Clive,

will you be in your office in the bank tomorrow?

Oh, nothing very important,

just a small matter of finance, that's all.

I've been seriously considering redecorating our home,

inside and out.

Well, now.

Ding how!

And nice to see you again.

Welcome to my humble hot spot, Doc.

You know, that filling that you, uh--

Chaucer is the name, Geoffrey Chaucer.

Oh, yes, how stupid of me.

I'm sorry about that.

We have your table for you, Geoffrey, baby.

You too, Mrs. Chaucer.

You are a devil.

Ah, yes, I certainly am.

Bruce, you have the table for Mr. and Mrs. Chaucer, huh?

See that they get the best.

Go right in and enjoy yourselves.

I'll send the bill to your office, Mr. C.

Yes.

Everything going all right?

Great.

Wonderful, precious child.

May I have your attention, please?

Would Mrs.--

I said to her, I said,

"Mrs. Kalbfus, sign here," I said,

"and your late husband's new electronic drill

"will cease to be a blueprint

but will become a reality,"

and she signed, Pamela. She signed.

Yes, with these blueprints here,

I'm going to revolutionize the oil game,

but let us not talk business, my turtle.

When will you give me your answer?

When will you sign?

Oh, Dudley, please don't rush me.

I'm still married, you know.

One hour in a divorce court,

and we can soon see to that,

eh, my turtle dove?

Ah, Walter, over here.

My man, Walter.

Good trip, Mr. Heath?

First class, Walter, first class.

Would you take Mrs. Lester's bag, please, Walter?

We're dropping her off.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, Walter.

Oh, I can't wait to get back to my own home

and settle down.

Anything you want? Don't hesitate to ask.

Good evening, hope you're enjoying your dinner.

Isn't he beautiful?

Is everything all right here?

Oh, Captain, my captain,

bring me a magnum of your finest grape.

Georgie, baby.

Willy, you ruined my marriage.

Violence, violence in the dining room.

Awfully bad for business.

Besides, you can search

the four corners of the globe

without ever finding anybody

more dedicated to you than H. William Homer.

I did search the four corners of the earth,

for the bad check for a trainload of chutney.

Where did you disappear to, Twinkle Toes?

Why, I'm so sorry.

Say hello to Fern Averback.

Hello.

Where's my money?

Don't let's reminisce.

I say, what a lovely location here.

What's it a front for?

I'm in business now.

And what are you stealing, and from whom?

Tsk-tsk-tsk. Indelicately put.

Well, then I'll put it delicately.

When do I get my money?

Soon, soon. I have new interests.

I have fingers in many pies.

I'm expanding, and my organization has room

for a talented young man.

Forget it.

But I haven't even discussed terms yet.

Terms? I'm still oozing chutney.

Are you, uh, are you quite sure

that you won't stay at my place?

Just a skeleton staff, you know,

but we can make do.

Uh, no, but thank you, Dudley.

I've been away so long,

tonight I'd prefer to stay at my own house.

Of course,

but you will be sure to let me know at once

if there's anything I can do, sweet nymph.

I'd hate to think of you

rattling about in that big, empty house.

George, I hate to see a man of your talents slopping soy sauce.

It hurts, in here, old boy.

Yes, I'm sure it does, Willy.

Well, we are naming this dish

in your honor, you know.

It's called "Tong Chow Loo."

Ha

Fink soup.

Look, George,

if you ever feel like rejoining the major league,

this is where you can get me.

Under what name?

Look, Willy, let me tell you something.

When the bill comes, don't sign it.

Cash, please.

I would hate to see you

and the lovely lady having to wash dishes.

I'll wash if you'll dry.

That's marvelous.

He is beautiful.

Pardon, mum, but is this the place?

Oh, no, that's not my house.

That's a hideous looking place,

and Lord knows who thought of putting it out here--

Stop! Did I draw blood?

That's my house!

Of course it's your house, darling.

I've been waiting for you.

My house?

This is my house?

It's a chop suey parlor!

How did you get back in here?

How are you, darling? You know, you were right.

It was right here, right before my very eyes.

"Diamonds in your own back yard."

Why don't you sit down, honey? It's your house.

Why don't you sit down and make yourself comfortable?

I don't want to sit down, I want--

Pamela, you look absolutely marvelous.

I didn't even invite you to have a drink.

A brandy...

I don't want a brandy. I want my house back.

But you've got-- That coat, Pam...

Of all the coats I've ever seen, that's the greatest--

George, by what right

do you think you can do this to my family home?

Every right.

Ooh!

Permanence, remember?

You're the one. Permanence.

Aren't you the one that said I was thoughtless?

That I was a bum?

You did, and you were right,

but you're looking at a new George.

A respected Chinese discothequer.

CHINESE ACCENT: Old leopard fool mate.

Change spots.

Welcome honorable mate.

Where did you get the money, old leopard?

The money?

Well, everyone has been awfully cooperative,

and we can get a loan at the bank.

You'll have to sign some papers,

but you don't have to do it now.

You expect to mortgage my house?

Wine rice-- Rice wine will be very good for you,

because after a trip, I'm sure you're thirsty,

so a little wine--

I am not thirsty.

I'm furious.

I want my house back the way it was.

You've got your house, darling.

It's ours. We're partners.

I held a table for you opening night,

and every night from this point on,

you can sit there and listen to the ecstatic music

of the stereophonic cash registers--

one pound, two tuppence, three eightpence.

George! How much do these bills come to?

Uh... nothing big, darling.

Uh, 25,000 pounds.

George Lester!

They let you spend 25,000 pounds

without my signature?

Did I tell you about the chef I imported from Hong Kong?

He makes a moo goo gai pan you wouldn't believe.

You lick your fingers.

Men go faint from it, people die.

It's just fantastic, and business has been marvelous.

Everything is superb, and I owe it all to you.

A toast to George The Permanent.

Ugh.

We don't communicate.

We never have communicated.

I've always listened to everything--

I leave you, I go away,

he destroys my house,

and then he blames it onto me.

That's the greatest tan I've ever seen.

That's fantastic. Are you all--

is it all over that way? I mean, everywhere--

It's the same shade as prison pallor, actually.

I don't follow you, dear.

That pale yellow you're going to be

after 50 years in Wormwood Scrubs.

Oh, Wormwood Scrubs, that's a prison.

You don't visit there. When you go, it's over, you stay.

That's right, you stay,

because that's where your creditors will put you

after I refuse to sign the mortgage.

Oh!

Pamela, I was only trying to prove

that I was not the man that you walked out on.

I mean, you can't-- you can't really condemn a man

for using a little ingenuity.

I wanted you back, and you were worth it.

I'm going to ring my solicitor.

No, I'll call Scotland Yard.

No, wait a minute, you're American.

You're an international menace.

I'll ring Interpol.

Pamela...

Put the phone down.

You can do that in the morning.

And what do you think you're up to now?

Nothing, my love.

Just sit right down, won't you?

CHINESE ACCENT: Husband would like to have friendly chat

with long-lost wife.

This isn't going to keep you

out of Wormwood Scrubs, Doctor Fu Manchu.

It won't work.

It's a very cold prison.

Damp.

Damp...

And the cells are very small.

Dank.

Dank...

And by the time you come out, you'll have a very long beard.

White.

No.

It's locked.

Go ahead.

Pamela!

Are you in there?

Yes, Dudley.

And I'm coming right out.

Are you all right, my dear?

What was he up to?

Oh, nothing very new.

What have you done to this woman's private property?

None of your business, and might I ask, who are you?

He's a friend of mine. Dudley Heath.

He doesn't look like anybody's friend to me.

George, watch it.

Well, that was rude,

and very ill-mannered.

I'm terribly sorry.

I apologize, but I can be just as civilized as you.

I would like to invite you

to be my guests this evening

for a midnight Mandarin dinner.

Let me check that for you.

Hands off.

What is it, hot?

They're Dudley's blueprints.

Oh, he's an architect.

They're for a high-speed electronic drill.

Oh, he's a dentist.

I'm in oil.

Well, we don't need any.

The girls downstairs throw off enough heat.

The man's a raving idiot. Come along, my dear.

You obviously can't spend the night here in this... opium den.

Hold it. Hold it one second!

May I remind you, sir--

that this lady, Mrs. Lester,

still happens to be married to this man, Mr. Lester.

Only in the eyes of the law.

Dudley, would you drive me to a hotel?

Pamela,

will you listen here for a minute, please?

Why don't you stay here the night?

Use the main suite, all the comforts of home.

Main size double bed--

How dare you?

I'm the raving idiot, remember?

Pamela... Out of the way, if you don't mind.

Pamela, will you listen, please?

I didn't mean it with the dentist.

I've been ill...

Her own home,

and look what you've done to it.

Would you like me to call the police, my dear?

Oh, no, that won't be necessary.

My husband, Mr. Lester,

has agreed to do the right thing by me.

Before the divorce,

he's going to restore my house to its original state.

Oh, Pamela!

Put it back the way it was, angel,

and pay off all the bills.

25,000 pounds?

Mm-hm, every single one of them.

Mrs. Lester, you're not really serious

about going through with this divorce,

not after everything I've done for you.

After everything you've done to me,

Mr. Lester.

Is anything wrong, Mr. Lester?

You call me "George."

Good morning, Bella Cars at your service--

Oh, hi, Fred.

Oh, it's you.

Well, I'm glad you dropped by, Mr. Lester.

There's a small matter of your account.

Well, if it's small, leave it alone, it'll grow.

Fill it up, Fred, would you?

It's not small.

Fred, you seem to be somewhat hostile.

I'm not hostile! I'm depressed.

Depressed?

I see.

What have you got to be depressed about, Fred?

Do you realize that you are unduly depressed?

You know the people that are depressed?

They are the people that haven't got anything going for them.

Now will you listen to me? Take a look.

Just take a look.

Do you realize that you are

the sole distributor

for a Portuguese sports car?

Portugal's answer to the Volkswagen, you said.

Well, who asked Portugal?

Oh, Fred, that's defeatist talk.

I'm surprised at you.

Now how many times do I have to tell you?

The world is divided into two types.

There's the takers, and there's the taken.

Fred, you're going to be a taker.

You've got to say to yourself, "I, Fred Davies, am..."

A taker! Look at all these

unsold Bellas you got me to buy.

Well, Fred, you can't stand around sulking.

You've got to go out and beat the drum.

I've got it.

You're still flying to Lisbon every week?

All right, on your next trip,

pick up 12 Portuguese bossa nova records.

A freelance steward on an unscheduled airliner

does not do the bossa nova.

Will you let me finish?

You get a jukebox, you put it outside,

you attach a loudspeaker to it.

You'll have the customers

dancing to the native rhythm.

What customers?

Sell her. Go on, sell.

I've already sold it.

Morning, Fred.

Oh, good morning.

I'm having a sort of bother with this engine.

Oh.

Oh! Oh!

I think it's the carburetor.

It's that little thing that sticks.

Look, would you like a new car?

No! I'd rather

we went dancing tomorrow night.

Oh, no, no, no,

I'm, uh, I'm off to Lisbon first thing tomorrow.

Oh, bad luck.

The girls and I are going on an overnight hike

to Lower Dorten.

Oh, Lower Dorten,

very bad for my leg, Lower Dorten.

I thought it was your sinuses.

Oh, yes, very bad for my sinuses as well.

Lower Dorten, huh? Charming spot.

Oh, Mr. Lester, you're just the man I was looking for.

Have you given any thought just lately

to British Womanhood?

Oh, considerably.

Especially one British Womanhood.

No, no, no.

I refer to these future mothers of Britannia,

innocent fledglings who need your help.

These are innocent fledglings?

Who need your help.

Oh, I wouldn't dare.

We're going to hold our annual Girl Guide raffle,

and the first prize will be--

An annual girl guide?

No, something much more useful.

Fred here has been good enough

to donate one of these

marvelous little Portuguese sports cars,

the Bella.

And what's the second prize, two Bellas?

Two Bellas?

No, I was just joking. Okay, I'll take a ticket.

Oh, no, no, no. We want to sell them in your Hong Kong Gardens.

Please, think of the goodwill,

and everyone in the town will be so delighted.

If they lose.

No, I didn't mean that at all.

Well, never let it be said George Lester wasn't all heart.

It's okay.

Oh, I say, jolly good show!

Girls, what do you say?

All right, okay...

Down, girls. Let's not get carried away.

All right, back! Ha!

Two Bellas... second prize.

Oh, I say, awfully good.

And that's the way I left it, Mr. Hartford.

He'll have to restore my house,

and I will on no account sign that mortgage.

Oh, certainly I realize he's irresponsible.

Who'd know that better than I would?

But I also see no reason

to aggravate myself about it any longer.

I mean, I'm a mature woman who, after three years of marriage,

has developed certain self-defensive reflexes. I mean--

And I love those reflexes.

George, will you get out of my room?

I love this hotel, allowing every Tom, Dick, and Harry

to barge in here unannounced.

Tom, Dick, and Harry? Pamela, I'm George.

Your George.

Look, this is all yours, darling.

Last night's receipts. 247 pounds.

You wanted permanence? You've got permanence.

George, you dropped money all over my egg.

You're promoting me, George,

just like one of your schemes.

I am not promoting you, Pamela, and it's not one of my schemes.

I have a steady job. I'm working very hard.

I taste won ton soup--

CHINESE ACCENT: "Won ton soup very good"--

and I feel egg rolls for quality control--

CHINESE ACCENT: "Ah, very good quality."

That's what you wanted, isn't it, Pamela?

Well, what does that mean?

You don't need a wife, George.

Pamela, I have never

fooled around with another woman.

Oh, I know that.

You couldn't find the time for another woman.

All you need is a woman to answer your phone,

and they've invented a lady tape recorder for that.

Pamela, we've been married three years--

Let me do that.

Three years, and you don't even know me.

Three superb years.

Hey, what do I take in my tea?

Huh?

What do I take in my tea?

Oh, milk.

Lemon. Hmm, lemon.

How much sugar?

One Three.

Yeah, one and two are three, that's what I said.

Hmph! You see, you don't know me.

What's the difference, Pamela,

if I don't know what you take in your tea?

But I do know what you feel like

when I put my arms around you,

and I do know what makes you blush,

and I know where that cute little mole is,

and I know what your lips taste like.

I never complained about that.

Then what is it?

That dumb

No, it isn't.

I saw it last night in his shifty eyes.

Oh, he's much too old for that.

It's disgusting.

Uh-uh.

Dudley's been very helpful,

very understanding.

Ha! Very helpful and very understanding.

Come on, Pamela.

Don't you answer that phone! Hello?

Yes, who's that calling?

This is Mrs. Lester.

It's your bank manager, Mr. Clive.

He wants to know if I've signed the mortgage yet.

Oh, uh... I'll call you back.

A little ahead of schedule, wasn't he?

Well, I told you not to answer the phone.

Well, your timing is a little bit off.

Too bad!

I'm not going to be cuckolded into signing any mortgage!

Here!

Pamela, you're not leaving.

You take yourself and your permanence out!

Pamela, I'm going to have to leave if this continues.

You are so right, you'll have to leave...

and put my house back the way it was!

Pamela!

You...

egg roll feeler!

And won ton taster.

Oh!

What do they want?

180,000?

Sure I'll buy them,

as long as I get my percentage.

Willy?

33 and a third.

Well, make it a 33.

I don't want to be greedy.

By the way, 180,000 what?

Hey, Willy, where are you?

George!

Baby!

Electric trains, electric typewriters...

Willy, what kind of idiotic sneak-thieves are you fencing for?

You are speaking to the new official Purchasing Agent

for the government of Sumeria.

Uh, Willy, can we talk?

Dearest, do me a favor...

buzz off... and you.

Hello, angel.

George...

Baby!

Welcome home.

Willy, don't be so cocky. I need money.

Well, it's a small problem.

25,000 pounds in cash.

Now you really have a problem.

No, no, Willy,

you'd better say, "We have a problem,"

because you're going to have to help me.

Am I?

Yeah.

Remember Beirut?

Chutney?

Check, rubber, yours?

Remember?

25,000 pounds...

A most amusing sum. Why so much?

Because I would like to get my wife back,

keep the Hong Kong Gardens, and not go to prison.

Well, I understand prison, the Gardens,

but you never go into business to get your wife back.

Willy, I'm not going into a business

to get my wife back.

The truth of the matter

is that my wife is about to remarry.

Now, when the minister says to the congregation,

"Does anyone object to this marriage?"

I know full well they will never hear me object

from inside a prison cell.

Right, but remember,

I go into partnership with you under protest.

Well, let's examine the terrain.

Let's see now,

could you use 100,000 bales of first

Cash.

Well, this telephone number will put you in touch

with one fifth of a small Central American country

that is ripe for revolution.

Cash.

Ah...

Well, here's a Liberian freighter

that's available for sinking in the Indian Ocean,

a complete insurance loss.

Cash.

Cash, Willy, cash.

Excuse me.

Tibetan champagne?

Cash. Cash.

I like you.

What's all this?

Sumerian Purchasing Commission?

This is the place.

Bring it in. Carefully.

Steady, chaps, this isn't the Grand Prix.

Put it over there. That's the idea.

That'll do fine, fine, fine.

Thank you very much indeed.

I shan't forget you. Oh, excuse me.

By jove, how lucky. Superballs!

One for you, and one for you.

Well, it might have been hair nets...

Goodbye. Thank you so much.

Well, what's this?

"One Excalibur Dental Chair,

Plus Fittings."

All this for the rotten teeth of Sumeria.

You know, a drill like that

could split your teeth right down to your knees.

Oh, no offense intended.

What should we say, 5000 pounds?

No, 6000. They'll never miss it.

Lovely stuff, this oil, George.

It spurts out of the Sumerian desert,

and showers me with lovely, lovely cash.

George... George. Huh?

I thought you wanted to talk shop.

Oh. I'm thinking shop.

Nah. It's too wild.

What?

What, George?

Your brain is ticking like Big Ben.

What's it all about, Georgie?

Oh, I was just imagining the tears of gratitude

coming from the old Sheikh's bad eyes,

if you were to turn over some blueprints to him.

Blueprints? What a lovely word. What blueprints?

From the attaché case of that creep, Dudley Heath,

from Heath Petrol.

It's some kind of a high speed electronic drill,

but no, it's too--

Of course it isn't too...

Where are these blueprints?

He carries them around like they're the crown jewels.

Borrow them.

You can get those blueprints, Georgie, boy.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I can get into all kinds of trouble.

I don't know what I came here for

in the first place.

You came here because you need 25,000 pounds,

and I am going to help you help me get them for us,

and thanks to those very clever Japanese,

when you see the blueprints

you will be able to capture that magic moment.

There is some poetic justice to this idea.

Diddling Dudley to get Pamela back.

Well, now, you've got everything you want, partner.

Oh, I do all the work, and right away, you're my partner?

Ah, but who's going to prize

50,000 pounds out of the old Sheikh, eh?

50,000 pounds?

Oh, you're going to keep the other 25,000 pounds.

Well, who's quibbling?

I mean, who needs 25,000 pounds, you or me?

You are a thief.

Oh, certainly, but who needs the 25,000?

Now look, I'll meet you next Thursday, 10:00,

at the Ritz Hotel in Paris.

Oh, I'm going to jail, and you're going to Paris.

Ah, but Georgie, it's business.

You see, the Sumerian ministers want me to pop over to Paris

and buy a few gowns for their wives.

You know.

Oh.

But if you don't want to come,

just pop the negatives in the mail.

Oh, no, I'll deliver them personally.

Don't you trust the mails?

The mails, I trust.

It's you I'm worried about.

I've missed the ready wit.

Oh, I'm sure I'm going to regret this day.

Take clear and sharp pictures,

and always stand with the sun over your shoulder.

How do you feel, Georgie, working with me again?

Condemned.

Oh, dear.

One mini-camera to George Lester... 100 pounds.

No, 150.

Ow!

...such a ridiculous situation when you come to think of it.

Come in, my sweet.

I know that I left my lighter

here somewhere.

Oh, this is just the outer office, you know,

where I slave over a hot secretary all day.

The lamp...

Come, come, come, my sweet.

Come along in, my dove.

This is my little inner sanctum.

Now I do know that I left my lighter here somewhere.

Oh, yes, here it is.

Don't go, my love. I mean, after all...

Grrr...

It is, after all, a celebration, isn't it?

Grrr!

...this beautiful gown you're wearing.

Brandy? Whoo!

Courvoisier, of course.

There we are, my sweet.

Ooh!

Cool it.

You do like brandy, don't you?

Mm-hm.

Have you seen my prints over there?

Oh, they're beautiful.

The ladder, and...

Ow!

To you.

Oh, no.

The old Spanish way.

You're glorious.

Uh, Dudley...

No.

You do realize, don't you,

that this could be bigger than both of us?

What's happening?

It's water, it's running.

There's a leak. Where's it coming from?

Stop it!

Where's it coming from?

Rotten weather we're having.

Each year is the same thing.

I say...

Good night, Guv.

Oh!

CHINESE ACCENT: Hello, so sorry, Mr. Lester not home now.

Oh, Miss Beatty.

Hello, how are you and all your little Girl Guides?

Well, as a matter of fact,

that's just what I'm ringing you about.

I mean, well, actually, it's rather naughty of us,

especially after you've been so helpful.

You see, the doctor's just been in here,

and the whole of my troop's in trouble.

All of them

Mm-hm, and I'm afraid you've been exposed as well.

I did want to warn you.

The mumps?

Well--

Well, that's for children.

I'm an adult.

Adults--

Mumps...

Do be careful.

Now, then.

You great silly nits.

You see what you've gone and done?

You're all worse than Typhoid Mary.

ANNOUNCER: This is the final call

for British European Airways Flight 507 to Paris.

Will passengers please proceed

to the departure lounge immediately?

Have all passports and boarding passes ready.

Thank you.

Excuse me, hold it, hold it.

Hello, Homer here.

George!

Georgie, baby, how are you?

You've got what?

I've got a punctured eardrum.

What's with the phone? Hello, Willy?

Willy, this is no time for kibitzing.

Hang on, George.

Willy, I'm trying to talk to you. Will you--

Hello? Operator?

Willy!

George...

Willy...

George, how childish of you.

I mean, in this age of wonder drugs,

how can a grown man get mumps?

Willy, will you listen to me, please, Willy!

Don't get excited.

H. William is on the bridge, in control.

Now, look, I will send for the merchandise.

How? Ah...

just relax, leave it to me.

I'm here.

Who?

Shh.

It's only me.

Who's me?

Fern Averback, lover.

How'd you get here?

Air France.

Oh, yeah? You'd better stay away.

You'll catch the mumps.

I've had the mumps.

You're supposed to have something for me.

I am?

Can I please have it?

Willy said that you had--

Oh, no, no, you're supposed to have something for me.

Of course.

No, not that.

The money.

What money, angel?

Look, miss, I don't mean to be inhospitable,

but I think you should get right back to Paris

and tell Willy I said, "No tickee, no washee."

Do I have to go back right away?

Yes, you do.

Why?

Because one of my mumps just exploded.

GEORGE: ...Miss Averback...

I don't know what I prefer most,

the contents or the wrappings.

Hello, Willy...

What's that, Georgie?

I said, did you really believe

I would fall for that tired old bit

with your Miss Fern?

Now come on, Willy, where's the money?

Where's the merchandise?

I got it.

You're lovely, my sweet.

I'm lovely? I'm desperate!

Tell you what, Georgie-boy...

pop the merchandise in the mail.

Willy, I got a better idea. Let's change hats.

You be Mohammed, come to my mountain, bring the check.

Impossible. Look, my people

will have to inspect the merchandise first,

so give us a look,

we'll okay it, and send you the money.

How does that sound?

What a nightmare.

How does a thing like this happen to me?

It seems to have something to do

with winning your wife back.

Look, just drop the merchandise in the post

and go back to sleep.

No, thanks!

George?

I brought your car back. It's all tuned up.

Not that you'll be needing it for the next few days, eh?

Thanks a lot.

Well, I'm off to Lisbon.

Fly well.

Fred! What?

Uh, I just remembered,

did I ever tell you about my great uncle

that lives in Paris? A very, very sweet man.

Almost 80. A little over-sexed,

but I guess everybody needs a hobby.

Well, let me tell you why I brought it up, Fred.

You see, it's his birthday,

and I thought possibly, instead of flying to Lisbon,

you might go to Paris

and deliver my present for him.

I'd go myself,

but I'm awfully mumpy.

Well, it's not too contagious.

Oh, sure. Oh, sure?

What does that mean?

Delivering presents to your grand-uncle.

What's in it?

Pound notes you're trying to smuggle in?

Out!

And that's a terrible assumption, Fred.

It's just, uh, no, it's Playboy magazine,

that's all it is, for a dear, sweet,

dear, sweet, bed-ridden old gentlemen, that's all,

and I thought while you were there,

you might bring back the gift he had for me.

I'm sorry, British Regal Airlines

doesn't make trips to Paris,

at least, not unless we have a customer

who wants to go there.

We're flying to Lisbon all this week.

Well, I certainly wouldn't ask you

if you weren't my friend, I say--

Fred, wait a minute! Let me explain!

Fred, what about Uncle Willy and the present?

Drop it in the mail.

Fly to Paris...

Take a present to his uncle...

Huh!

His uncle's an 80-year old sex maniac.

Pictures tonight, Fred

Fly to Paris? What a cheek.

Never heard anything like it.

What is that?

Well, the girls in my troop recommended it.

They're terribly contrite, poor dears.

It's right out of the First Aid Manual.

Willow wort paste. Now you come back into bed...

Well, uh--

Remove your pajama top,

and smear this all over your chest,

and then stand over the central heating duct

and inhale.

Come on, my little beauty.

A little massage. Yes, here we go.

Oh, that's marvelous.

Spot of trouble?

Oh, boy, mumps.

Perfect timing.

So we gave you the mumps.

Is that any reason for showing the white feather?

I mean, where would Alec Guinness have ended up

if he'd shown your attitude in Bridge on the River Kwai?

Anyway, you smear your chest with this paste,

and you'll feel much better tomorrow.

I say, you really shouldn't leave your upper set

lying around on the carpet.

My upper set, that's terrific.

I say!

I say, a bit of a smash.

It's Fred Davies! Fred, are you all right?

I think I broke my tooth.

Don't move!

I'm coming right down to give you first aid.

You clod! Look at what you did to my wife's wall.

Ruined!

Look, I'm supposed to fly to Lisbon

the day after tomorrow.

Who wants a toothless steward?

Lisbon?

Lisbon!

Hang on, Fred.

First aid kit's in the car.

Fred, I can't tell you how terrible I feel. Don't say a word.

To have a thing like this happen to one of my chums, it's just awful.

It hurts me right here.

It hurts me right here.

Fred, have you ever had the mumps?

Yeah, I had mumps when I was two.

Oh, good. You know, this was completely my fault.

You admit it?

Well, you ran into the wall, correct?

If the wall wasn't there in the first place,

it wouldn't have happened.

I will not sleep a wink

until you get what's coming to you.

And what's coming to me?

Well, I'm heavily insured, Fred.

You'll get a brand new cycle,

brand new set of clothes, and open your mouth.

Just what I thought.

You have to have a new mouth put in.

Is that legal?

Luv, for the premiums I pay,

you and I are not going to worry about technicalities.

Oh, come on, I'll take you home for medical attention.

Excuse me just a moment.

Fred, tomorrow, you're going to see my dentist.

You hit the jackpot.

What ever you do, don't say a word to anybody, dig?

I dig.

Yeah, you take him home for medication.

Just put yourself in my hands.

Leave everything to me. Oops. Oh, Fred...

Oh, Fred!

There.

A piping hot poultice,

that should do the trick!

The trick's already done...

I hope.

You sound sick, George.

Oh, nurse,

I'd like you to meet the little woman.

I only came to pick up an evening gown.

I have a date tonight.

Oh, tell me, have you figured out yet

how to pay the bills?

Pamela, don't come near me.

Don't come closer.

It's infectious. Mumps.

George, you blew it again.

I've had mumps.

Pamela!

Hello! Get me Dudley Heath's office, please.

Yes, sir.

GERMAN ACCENT: Hello?

Herr Heath in, please.

Just one moment, and I'll put you through, sir.

Hello, Herr Heath.

Uh, this is Dudley Heath speaking.

This is Krupp.

Uh, Krupp.

K-R-U-up, Krupp.

How do you do, Herr Krupp?

I will be in your London now for 24 hours,

and I hear through the underground, Herr Heath,

that you are working on some special working papers,

diagrams, plans.

Uh, did you say plans?

It is equally important that you and I get together

for a chit-chat.

A chat.

Chit-chat, talking.

Chitting-chatting.

A chat, a chat!

Oh, uh, yes, yes.

Comprende, understand.

You will come to my hotel tonight.

The Hilton, where else? There's no boarding rooms.

But I have a dinner engagement.

Forget the dinner date. Heath, Krupp is talking.

Same K-R-U-up.

You be there when I give instructions.

No one ignores Krupp

when Krupp Krupps.

Now, I'll give you the address. Got a pencil?

Yes, just a moment, please.

The room is 1420. One, four, two, with a--

Look on the door.

Zwanzig, at 9:30.

If you're late, woo-hoo-hoo...

Auf Wiedersehen.

Right.

Hello

Get me Dr. Spink, right away.

Yes, sir.

Probe.

Probe.

Pick.

Pick.

Sponge.

Ooh!

I'll get it.

Ah-ha. Now we're beginning to see daylight...

Hello?

As well as some nasty decay.

It's Mr. Lester,

from that Hong Kong whatever-it-is.

You know, that new place out in the country.

Yes, I have heard of it. What's he want?

He wants you to drop by tomorrow for tea at about 5:00,

as his guest.

Tell him I'll try.

He says it's very important.

I'm busy.

He says you'd better make it.

All right, all right.

Now I really must concentrate on this rot.

Hold still, will you?

Well, how do you do? Herr Krupp?

Tinkering with a man's occlusion?

I never would be party to such chicanery.

Oh, come on, Spink, knock off the Dr. Kildare routine.

All I want you to do is to take the inlays from Weiner here,

insert them in Fred Davies' mouth,

give him an injection timed so that when he arrives in Lisbon,

he's in pain, he has to dash off to another dentist,

and finished.

The finish of my dental career.

Six Eyes, can you get all the page one of the plans

on the top of the inlay?

Who was it who did

your Lincoln's entire Gettysburg Address on a shirt stud?

Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm sorry about that.

I forgot.

And you'll get the inlay

back to Spink's office, tomorrow, p.m.

It's a squeeze, but I'll manage.

Well, I can't. It's too risky.

Oh, come on, Spink. Or is it Chaucer again?

It wasn't too risky when you chose to work overtime,

I believe it was May the 12th?

When you spent the entire night here

in the Great Wall of China Suite.

I'm sure that your wife would be delighted to know

that you had a nurse in constant attendance.

Swine.

An absolute desperate swine.

You'll shape the inlay, give it to Six Eyes here,

he'll engrave it, get it back to you.

In goes page one into Fred's mouth, off goes Fred.

Send me the bill.

And if anyone blabs, I'm in the soup.

Who's going to blab?

Who would take my word

against that of a reputable dentist?

Gentlemen.

George...

have you ever looked at Stilton cheese

through my glasses?

Lisbon, George?

That's it.

Now, the plans will be arriving the day after tomorrow,

by mouth.

It sounds as though you said "by mouth."

Must be a lousy connection. Operator!

I did say "by mouth."

Now, when they arrive,

I want you to send me a check, certified,

and returned to me by the same messenger.

How are they going to be examined?

They'll be examined while the messenger

is under sedation.

Now, here's what you have to locate for me.

Why is the messenger under sedation?

Because the plans are on his teeth.

George, you've obviously taken a turn for the worse.

Willy, please listen to me. I want you to drop everything

and locate for me an expert crooked Portuguese dentist.

Something is wrong with the connection.

I could swear you said "an expert crooked Portuguese dentist."

Willy, will you please pay attention?

When you've examined the teeth,

I want you to take a picture of them,

and then stuff the check in the man's hat.

All this is making me very dizzy.

Willy,

just get busy,

and locate an expert crooked Portuguese dentist.

Georgie, I can get you an expert,

I can probably get you a crooked Portuguese,

I'm sure I can get you a dentist,

but an expert crooked Portuguese dentist,

well, obviously they don't grow on trees, Georgie, baby.

Neither does my merchandise, baby.

This is going to cost, baby.

Why should this be any different, baby?

The things that happen when you try to do favors for a friend...

Butcher.

There.

Done.

Time to get up, Davies.

Coming in for an emergency landing.

Get your seatbelts on.

Upsy-daisy.

Where You've been at my teeth.

That's what we're here for.

Oh.

Now then, you're off to Lisbon, right?

Yeah, 4:00 sharp, yes.

Now, should you get a reaction of any kind,

I'll give you the name of a dentist in Lisbon.

Miss B., where's that card?

But I'll only be there overnight.

An ounce of prevention, eh? There we are.

"Doctor Jerzy Pinto,

34 Calle Ruiz, second floor rear,"

and he's a good man.

Well, I don't think

I'll need a dentist in Lisbon, thank you.

Take the damned card.

My patients mean a great deal to me,

and I shall see you the day after tomorrow.

Yeah, well, thank you, doctor and nurse.

Poor Manfred.

That injection should begin to take effect

just as he's approaching Lisbon.

Shall I rub away your headache for you?

Oh...

Mm...

No!

That's how I got into this in the first place.

This is your captain speaking.

British Regal Airline

welcomes you aboard their airplane.

Your cabin steward, Fred Davies,

will be serving refreshments shortly.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are approaching Lisbon Airport.

Please fasten your safety belts

and extinguish your cigarettes.

Due to the irregularity in our cabin pressure,

the steward will pass out cotton for your ears

to make the landing less painful,

or you can blow your nose hard.

God bless.

Oy!

There.

Bella!

Ah-ha, I think I've got you this time.

GERMAN ACCENT: I don't think so at all,

my dear fellow, because I go, uh...

eins, zwei, und drei.

That's pretty good.

You're not a bad competitor.

Oh, thank you.

Let's have a drink to it.

I think you're trying to get me drunk.

A little for you...

Oh, bubbly.

A little for me,

and let's toast to competition.

I'm talking to myself. I'm losing my marbles.

Well, at least I'm winning. Fritz, you want another game?

No, thank you.

Ooh, company.

I ask you,

what is this country coming to when you can't trust anyone?

Who have you got in mind?

One of your guests

short-changed one of my Girl Guides

on a raffle ticket.

Oh, is that all.

Oh, well, don't worry about it.

Bruce will reimburse you out of petty cash.

Oh, how very decent of you.

That's nothing at all. I was just thinking

about all of the future mothers.

Thanks.

I, uh, I'm sorry,

I shouldn't have lost my temper like that.

Usually I'm under control,

but lately I'm a bundle of nerves.

Oh, are you. I'm sorry.

Why don't you try some medicinal champagne?

Oh, thanks.

Go right ahead.

Alcohol is a stimulant.

It's the greatest.

Mm, and I'm in uniform.

Hey, easy. That's not lemon squash.

I have some peppermints with me.

Oh, good.

I ask you,

what is he up to in Lisbon?

Uh, who?

Our friend Fred, that's who.

Oh, he went on business.

Uh, strictly business.

What sort of business?

Oh, what sort of business?

Uh, well, he, uh...

You tell me what sort of business.

Drink right up, I'll tell you.

I ask you, innkeeper, am I or am I not a female?

Oh, indubitably.

And under certain circum-circum-circumstances,

would I or would I not be found interesting,

even by such a twit as Fred Davies?

You represent the future mothers of Great Britain.

I represent the future mothers of nobody.

I am on detention.

But you're in uniform.

Well, if it bothers you, I shall remove it.

Oh, no! Oh, no, don't do that.

Please... Don't do that.

Oh, yes, I do recall--

George, are you in there?

Pamela? No! No, I'm not.

Pamela, don't come in. I'm having a relapse.

I came to see how you were.

You were supposed to be in bed.

Oh, he was-- he was just going there.

I brought you some chicken soup from the hotel.

To think I was stupid enough to feel sorry for you.

Oh, well honey, I know this looks--

You don't understand.

Here. Recuperate.

Honey, this isn't what it looks like.

She brought me soup. You want soup?

No, salad...

There you are, gentlemen.

"Kalbfus Electronic High Speed Drill."

Well, there you are.

A slightly exotic mode of delivery,

but you will find your merchandise

in first class condition.

Have a look.

Superb, eh?

Ever see such detail?

Pinto, have your nurse

take a set of pictures for these gentlemen,

and hurry it up.

He's coming out of the gas.

This is running into overtime, amigo.

Look, you are paid by the hour, not by the visit.

Just so you remember. Understand?

Rosetta!

You called, doctor?

Si, cara.

I want you to take pictures of this man's tooth.

Upper right bicuspid.

I dig, doctor.

Back to business, back to business.

Right. The merchandise has been delivered

in perfect condition. Now, the payment.

Dollars?

What else?

Lovely.

Enough!

Enough?

What are you talking about?

He's only paid me half.

Exactly.

You friend has only brought us half the plan.

Look here.

It says on this tooth, "See page two."

Where is page two?

Where is page two? That's the question.

Let's have a look. It must be in here somewhere.

Where is page two?

Quietly. You'll wake him up.

Hold that. It must be in here somewhere.

There it is! No, that's a cavity.

You have a look. Carry on counting, Ali.

In the words of your country, "C.O.D."

Look, cool it, Ali, baby. We'll find page two.

And when you do, we pay. Not until.

Take your meeting into the next room!

The anesthetic is wearing off.

Where's your telephone? I want to call England... collect.

That gap, I can close that for you.

You close my gap, and I'll open yours.

Rosetta... All right, that's enough.

Give me the film, I'll make the prints.

Keep the patient occupied.

I shall try, doctor.

Where am I? Where am I?

Welcome to Lisbon, brave birdman.

Brave birdman?

From now on,

let this be your home away from home.

Page two? I got it right here in my hand.

Georgie, baby, what sort of a game are you playing?

Willy, it's a little game you taught me.

It's called "Protect Yourself in the Clinches,"

and when my man comes back

with a certified check for page one,

you'll get page two.

Now remember,

a certified check in my man's hat band.

And how am I supposed to keep him here

while I get the check certified?

You'll think of something, Willy, baby.

Keep in close touch.

Well, it's all right, amigos.

Everything is under control.

Excuse me.

The patient is getting restless, senor.

Sedate him.

Just one moment, my little paella.

You can do me a slight favor.

Oh, you have come to the right person.

Patience, gentlemen.

The pyramids weren't built in a day.

Two?

Three?

Georgie!

Georgie Lester!

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, Fred, you're back.

Come on up and have a drink.

Gladly, old boy. On me!

Good evening, good evening!

Oh, Fred! Welcome home.

Hello, my dear. You keeping well?

I'm on duty, but I'll be off tomorrow night.

Do you think the two of us--

Ah-ah... I'm sorry, I can't.

You see, I've got to be off to Lisbon first thing in the morning,

but keep up the good work.

You women are doing a perfectly smashing job

here at home.

Oh, thanks very much.

You know, I don't know what we'd do without you...

but I'm certainly going to try.

Whee!

Yes, the intrepid birdman has returned,

and all I can say is that travel can be very broadening, baby.

Let me take that for you, Fred.

Thank you.

Any trouble with the old teeth?

No trouble at all. How are you feeling?

Me? Oh, just fine, just fine, thank you.

Uh, nice trip, Fred?

Oh, marvelous. Those Portuguese...

They're so capable.

You know, they're so friendly.

I can hardly wait to get back there,

with all the ya-ta-ta ta-ta-ta-ta-ta...

and the lights are low, and it's all...

I take it you went to the dentist?

Did I go to the dentist? Look at this.

A jeweled dental floss case.

Oh, that's lovely. A souvenir from the dentist?

A souvenir from the nurse.

Oh, then they did take good care of you?

Well, all I can say

is she can clean my teeth any day of the week, baby.

Yahoo!

Oh, those legs...

I have an idea. Go downstairs and relax,

have a drink at the bar--

I'll go do to the bar--

And unwind a little.

I'll relax in the bar.

Sure, why not? Go right ahead.

Thank you.

Any time, old chap.

Go right ahead and unwind, Fred.

Unwind!

Hello, get me Mrs. Lester at the hotel, please.

Fred!

Even with Willy's deductions, you're a sight for sore eyes.

Hello.

Yes, I'm calling Mrs. Lester.

What? She's not there.

She's what? She's gone away for the weekend?

Well, did she leave a forwarding address?

Well, of course this is important.

Uh, this is Doctor Gomberg, the family oculist.

Yes. What is it?

Twin Pine Cottage, in care of Dudley Heath, huh?

All right, thank you very much.

Daring Dudley, at it again, eh?

Dudley, no more champagne.

Just to top up your glass, my pigeon.

Oh, I feel wonderful.

I feel as if I were in a remote corner of the world,

cut off from everything.

Grr...

Dudley...

Oh, Pamela!

George!

Pamela...Oh...

first sickness, now an injury.

George!

Pamela!

George!

Pamela!

What are you doing here?

Oh, Pamela, diseased as I am...

I had to come.

No you did not.

What is that, music?

Wine, two glasses?

Pamela Lester, what's going on here?

Absolutely none of your business what's going on here,

and will you get up off Dudley's couch?

George, you're embarrassing me.

Oh, Pamela Lester, shame.

How could you throw this beautiful life of yours away

on a man that'll never be good enough for you?

How do you know what's good enough for me?

You don't know the first thing about me.

Well, then, let me learn, Pamela.

Teach me to see how fast your nails grow.

I want to know your shoe size.

I want to know the distance between your eyes.

Well, now, here's our bubbly.

Ah-ha, Dudley bubbly.

What the devil is he doing here?

I got here on my hands and knees.

I dragged myself out of a sickbed,

and just in time, it appears.

Dragged myself from a sickbed, Pamela,

to show you this certified check

for 11,447 pounds,

10 shillings and fourpence.

George, how did you forge this?

George forge?

Oh, Pamela, how could you?

It's real. Bite it.

Oh, this is ironic.

A man lies at death's door,

with mumps, yet.

Mumps?

Are you contagious?

Contagious?

Contagious?

Intensely.

Get out of my house!

Leave me alone. Stop it.

George, stop it!

This is not a joke!

All right, George, that's it!

It's the pain, it's back.

Pamela, I'll tell you what.

You take good care of him, Pamela.

Go away! Get out of my house!

Pamela, I'm not going to give you up.

Why won't you leave me alone?

Because I love you, Pamela.

I love you, and when he rejects you,

or rejects the chicken soup,

you'll come knocking at my door.

Oh, no, I won't.

Out!

And besides, it's my door!

Well, it's my chicken soup!

Pamela!

Communists...

Digby, what the blazes are you trying to tell me?

Well, actually, sir, I wasn't on the scene...

Never mind where you were, man. What went wrong?

Now you tell Plans and Designs that I want a full report.

Yes, sir.

Oh, excuse me.

Dudley, I've made you some nice, hot chicken soup.

Chicken soup. Digby!

There are going to be

one or two heads rolling over this,

and yours will be one of them.

Go away!

What's happened?

Those idiots testing the pilot model

of the Kalbfus drill...

It's defective.

Oh, come on now, don't excite yourself.

They can always correct it.

Wait till I get my hands

on that old crow, Mrs. Kalbfus.

How she wept as she sold me

her husband's crowning achievement.

200 pounds she blubbered out of me.

You only paid that poor widow 200 pounds?

Yes, I shall probably sue her for damages.

Operator, oper-- Pick that up.

Hurry. What? Operator, get me my office.

I don't know, look the number up!

What? Oh, for goodness sake.

Heath Enterprises, of course.

Pamela, would you mind taking this slop out of my lap?

It's seeping into the sheets.

Heath Enterprises, London!

May I come in?

Oh, Pamela, of course.

Of course, come right in.

It's your house.

You don't mind if I watch?

Mind? Of course not. You can watch.

That's ridiculous.

That's not unlike...

Prince Albert objecting

to Queen Victoria walking in...

That's a funny kind of thing, "May I watch?"

Someone owns something,

and they ask someone, "My I use it?"

That is funny.

You know, that's like someone buying a car,

and they say, "I really don't like to bother you,"

and they're talking about something that they own,

that someone else is using.

George, how did you know he'd reject my chicken soup?

Pamela, I'm a very busy man, really.

I have an awful lot of things to do, Pamela.

I really am terribly sorry. I don't mean to be rude.

George, how did you know he'd reject my chicken soup?

Honey, do you know that I could spot a chicken soup rejecter

a mile away?

But that's not important.

The important thing is that you're here,

and it's not every day that a man gets his wife back,

and I say we have a celebration.

I'll get us a drink.

George, I'm here. I'm not back.

No drinking then.

George?

Where did you get that 11,447 pounds,

10 shillings and fourpence?

Oh... I earned it.

You earned it?

Well, yes, I earned it,

and you'll get the rest tomorrow.

Was it one of your deals?

Oh, Pamela, how could you?

I did it to prove myself to you.

I don't believe you.

Pamela, I worked my fingers to the bone.

I don't believe you.

Well, who needs Wormwood Scrubs Prison?

Now I believe you.

I knew you would.

You know, I've had more attention from you

since I left you than in all the time we've been married.

Get used to it, my love.

That's the new George.

Calm yourselves, gentlemen, calm--

Get me London, pronto.

Say, what? There's a delay?

There's a delay.

Now, look, excuse me, gentlemen, there is a delay.

There's no need for you to help by moving into the other room.

Hello!

Do you speak Portuguese?

You know, doctor,

people should visit their dentist more often.

Now the old George kissed one way,

but the new George kisses the same way.

George...

Oh, I was just dusting the phone.

I cleaned the apartment. I wouldn't answer it.

I mean, I wouldn't take the call

under any conditions.

It could be Paul Getty with a big deal,

and I wouldn't answer it.

See?

Help!

George!

Help, George!

Help!

Emir, baby,

call off your friend with the cutlery,

and let's negotiate.

George!

You weren't going to answer.

Uh, sweetheart,

it sounds like someone's in distress.

You bet I'm in distress, and so are you.

Now, I have an urgent message for you.

Stop the delivery.

Is something wrong? You bet there is.

That idiot with the tooth has got to be stopped.

We're being hijacked.

That crooked Portuguese dentist

has got a crookeder Portuguese nurse,

who is making copies

and peddling them to customers of her own.

Uh, very interesting.

"Interesting," he says.

I am getting complaints from our customers.

Pointed complaints, George.

I'm sure that you can take care of the situation very nicely.

Oh, no.

You're not going to leave me holding this bag.

Uh, well, I'm very sorry,

but I'm busy with my wife right now.

Listen, Georgie,

if you don't stop page two,

you won't be around to enjoy your wife.

Are you suggesting--

I'm suggesting

that I am not the sort of man

who can keep his mouth shut under torture.

How would you like your wife

to know how you stole those plans?

How you got them here?

You'd better bring page two personally.

I believe you do have a point.

All right, I'll take care of it. Bye.

There.

All right, Emir, get a grip on yourself!

Burgundy?

Something for you?

Operator, would you get me Wilham's Garage, please.

I'm just going to make this one little itty-bitty call--

It's not about business. It's about my car, dear.

Hello. Wilham's Garage?

Is Fred Davies there, please

Oh, he's not there. He's at the dentist.

Oh, I see. All right, thank you very much.

Honey, get me Dr. Spink's office right away, please.

Uh, it's not another call. It's the same call.

He wasn't at the garage, you heard, so...

Hello.

I'm looking for Fred Davies.

He might be in the chair.

No, I'm sorry.

He just left for the airport.

Hello, operator,

get me the London Airport, please.

This is-- You heard that he's not at the dentist.

I started at the garage, dentist,

now, it's the same fellow, but he's at the airport.

Hello, London Airport, would you connect me

with British Regal Airways, please?

I'm trying to locate a Fred Davies

who's on his way to Lisbon

There is no office for British Regal Airways?

Well, what kind of an airway has no office?

British Regal is an airway

that doesn't have an office.

I see, all right. Thank you very much.

Here, that's it, no more calls.

That's the end of the calls, sweetheart.

I'm not going to call, or take any calls,

but I do have to go for a moment.

Where?

Uh, uh, just out.

I mean, I have to try to stop a mouth

from leaving the country,

but why don't you relax, take a nap, read something.

Order yourself some egg foo yong or chow mein.

George!

Yes, I'm still here, Pamela.

British Regal Airlines, Willy-baby,

Fred Davies, Lisbon, Portugal...

George, do they have anything to do

with 11,447 pounds, 10 shillings, and fourpence?

Would I lie to you?

Yes, you would... and you have.

This is your Captain speaking.

Our flight to Lisbon will be non-stop...

we hope.

Our cruising altitude will be somewhere between...

8,000 and, say, uh, 13,000 feet.

Enjoy your flight, and God bless.

Hey! Let me--

What is this? Open the door!

Open this door.

I said, open-- Help!

Rosetta, I'm coming!

Hey, hey, mister, mister, my baby!

My baby!

My baby...

Get going. I'll tell you where.

Start following. Follow, follow. Get him.

Follow them.

Ah-ha!

No, no! Get away from me.

No, you can't have it, no!

Get away from me, you idiot man!

Wait till the doctor--

Rosetta! I'll save you.

Get away from me.

No, no, it is my film.

Fred, what are you doing?

Fred, will you cut it out?

No!

My film!

Oh, the clients! You're just in time.

Well, here's what you have been waiting for.

You got it from the nurse?

Yeah, and it wasn't easy.

I can't find Mr. Homer anywhere.

I mean, I can't see him around.

Give me the second payment here,

and we can close the books.

Pay the gentleman.

Without delay.

Oh.

Well, don't get sore.

I mean, was it something I said?

Surely we can talk--

Will you hold it a minute?

Uh, did you want a shave and a haircut?

The boys are here.

I didn't want--

Don't let them out!

Take a hold of it.

Hold it.

Look out! You can hurt--

Excuse me.

Pamela!

George, what's with--

Where are you going, you swine?

I'm going to save your life.

Come on!

No more appointments today, gentlemen.

No more.

Fred, close the door!

Fred, close the door!

I've closed the door!

Fred! Fred!

Fred, what are you doing?

Pamela, where are you going?

George!

Where are you, George?

Around the corner, around the corner!

George!

Let's get going.

Come on.

Not now! Not now!

Where are we going?

I wish I knew.

I told you, not now!

No, no, no!

Excuse me.

Georgie, baby, come in out of the heat.

Hurry, let's get in here.

That's better.

Come sit over here.

You must be absolutely exhausted.

When those ruffians outside

discovered that the nurse

was selling copies of the negatives

to their rivals, they got rather hurt.

Oh, I say, do let me introduce myself.

H. William Homer, at your service.

Would you care for an aperitif, an espresso?

Thank you. Now would you mind telling me--

And four espressos, please.

Pamela, the hat.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Willy, all I can say is,

I never thought the sight of you would be so welcome.

Now we're even for the check, eh?

Yeah.

Got the negatives?

Yes, I have. Here they are.

You do have the money.

Patience, dear boy, patience.

Just a minute. Those look like my teeth,

and if they are my teeth,

I'd like to know why they're being passed around

like filthy postcards.

You're right, whatever your name is.

You're entitled to an explanation.

I'm entitled.

And if you're entitled, then I'm entitled.

George, what's going on?

All right, shut up, both of you, will you please?

Now, Willy, let's settle up,

and get the show on the road,

if you don't mind.

Payment number two, old buddy.

Never let it be said

that H. William copped out on a friend.

Hey, boss, I lose them pretty good,

but by the way, I am with them.

Hand everything to me, please.

Hey, coffee. Hey, coffee.

Oh, very nice.

A party.

Thank you very much.

Where did you dig him up?

He comes from Hertz.

Oh, really?

So how come he's trying harder?

Hand everything over, please.

Willy, will you give him the negatives?

Certainly not. They're valuable.

Give him the money.

Give him my money?

Yeah.

You hired him, you pay him off.

He'll kill us.

No he won't, Willy.

All he wants is the negatives.

And the money.

Oh, forget it, Pedro.

I worked awfully hard for that money.

I photographed those plans,

and I figured a way

to get it into this clod's teeth...

and you are not getting the money

that I need to restore my wife's house.

I shall count to three, senor.

Uno...

dos...

Pass the biscuits, would you please?

Oh, certainly, senor.

Ah-ha!

How was that?

Good thinking, George.

All right, we'll take care of him later.

All right, sweetheart, here's the money...

for your house.

I thought I knew your twisted mind,

but this is too much.

Well, wait a minute...

Pamela!

Everything is all straight now.

We've got the money,

and everything is still in there.

Show her, Fred.

I will not.

Who was it that got you all new inlays?

You are incredible.

You pinch Dudley's plans,

you have them engraved on that poor man's tooth,

flown to Lisbon, photographed, sold...

Well, I will admit, it did get a little complicated.

Oh, George!

If once, just once,

you could do something in a simple, direct way.

Why must you always lower the river,

instead of raising the bridge?

Anyway, Dudley's drill blew up in the first test.

Oh, anyone can criticize,

but who else do you know

who could have carried out this entire operation,

with the timing, the precision,

with the delicacy of a fine Swiss watch,

and, I might add,

while lying on his back, all covered with mumps?

I ask you, what thanks do I get?

Whatever happened to old

Anybody in the world would applaud.

Applaud what I did,

but to my wife, I am now...

and shall always remain...

just old George.

Bravo, senor, bravo.

All right, you, stick them up.

You're going to drive me to the airport.

If I don't get on my plane, I'm going to lose my job.

You remember, Mr. Lester?

We takers are forced to earn an honest living.

Huh? Come on.

I'm coming with you.

Pleasure, Mrs. Lester.

Hey, George, will you do me a favor?

Anything.

Promise me you won't leave your brain to science.

George...

Are you on the Diner's Club?

Everyone, settle down just a moment.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Now for the climax of our annual Girl Guide raffle.

We will draw the ticket for the first prize,

which is a beautiful Portuguese Bella,

donated by our public-spirited friend,

Mr. Fred Davies of Wilham's Garage.

Mrs. Lester, will you do the honors?

Of course.

Oopsy-daisy.

The winning number is 4762B.

Has anyone here got 4762B?

It's here! I--

Fred...

Fred!

Oh, Fred.

I say.

I say.

Would you-- would you care to dance?

Oh, Fred, I-- I'd rather sit this one out on the terrace.

Would you?

You...

At your service, ma'am.

I come on a most unpleasant errand.

May I come in?

I won't take up much of your time.

Come in, Ali.

Don't be alarmed. He's quite friendly.

Mrs. Lester,

across the great chess board of life

pass many men,

some pawns, some knights, very few kings.

such a man,

a man I am proud to have called "friend,"

was George Lester.

George is a king? He's a rook.

One of nature's noblemen.

How difficult it is

to be the bearer of such sad news.

He's been arrested?

Worse.

He is in the hands of angry Arabs.

Ali was there when he was grabbed?

That's right.

Are they torturing him?

Daily. Lovely. How?

Oh, you wouldn't want to hear, Mrs. Lester.

Oh, but of course I would. I'm his wife.

Did they stick bamboo under his fingernails?

Oh, really, Mrs. Lester.

Your husband is a very brave man.

He hasn't cracked once.

Eh, Ali?

Right. Incredible. Incredible.

Tell Mrs. Lester what he mumbled to you through cracked lips.

He said, "Tell Pamela I did everything for her...

and for permanence."

Oh, he did?

Really, you should be ashamed of yourself,

coming in here with this fake sheikh.

Here.

Now what?

I told you it wouldn't work.

Pamela,

I just had to see you,

because I'm mad for you,

and I don't want to let you go.

I'm being honest this time, don't you believe me?

Well, I'm still going to divorce you.

You have no grounds.

I know.

George.

Georgie baby.

George. George.

All zebras are white with black stripes.

Now, this gentleman

can breed black zebras with white stripes.

Now, all we need is a little bank loan.

We'll make a fortune.

Forget it, Willy. Forget it.

Willy, please, forget it.

I haven't got any collateral.

Use the house.

Use the house? For collateral?

Pamela, oh, Pamela, do I know my women?

Pamela, that's why you're my wife.

That's why I love you.

Everything I put you through--

the discotheque, the Hong Kong Gardens,

and yet you can stand here

and say, "Use the house."

You are really big, Pamela.

Did you ever have one of those days?