All language subtitles for Penelope.1966.1080p.BluRay.x264-HANDJOB

♪ pum ♪

♪ pum ♪

♪ Penelope ♪
♪ who is Penelope? ♪

♪ Penelope ♪
♪ who is Penelope? ♪

♪ picture a girl who walks with
the rhythm of a lady tiger ♪

♪ picture a girl who talks with
the sweetness of a honey bee ♪

♪ picture a girl
your mind could never dismiss ♪

♪ this is Penelope ♪
♪ this is Penelope ♪

♪ Penelope ♪
♪ this is Penelope ♪

♪ the day the angel-makers
planned her ♪

♪ she set the universe abuzz ♪

♪ there is no way
to understand her ♪

♪ in fact the only one
who does is Penelope ♪

♪ who is Penelope? ♪

♪ Penelope ♪
♪ who is Penelope? ♪

♪ Penelope ♪
♪ who is Penelope? ♪

♪ Penelope ♪
♪ who is Penelope? ♪

♪ picture a girl whose life
is as crazy as a mad magician ♪

♪ picture a girl whose heart
is elusive as a bird is free ♪

♪ picture a girl
who's your conception of bliss ♪

♪ this is Penelope ♪
♪ this is Penelope ♪

♪ Penelope ♪
♪ this is Penelope ♪

♪ Penelope ♪
♪ this is Penelope ♪

♪ Penelope ♪
♪ this is Penelope ♪

The vaults literally blasted out
of the solid granite

of Manhattan island.

Yes, gentlemen,
as my old Scottish grandfather

might have said,
"your money is safer with us

than if it were guarded
by the loch ness monster herself."

And now if you will follow me
into the executive suite.

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

Oh, miss Serena.
What a sweet name.

Thank you.

I think names have a great
influence on character.

- Don't you?
- Well, how's that?

A lady named miss Serena
ought to be calm and serene.

- Are you?
- Well, I try to be.

That's good,
because this is a stickup.

Now, ah, don't move.

And don't put your foot
on that alarm button

or I shall be forced
to blast you.

Dearie, hand me those
nice new stacks of $500 bills.

More.

Ooh.

What are those bills with
dear grover Cleveland's picture

on them? $1000 bills?

Let me have
a handful of those too.

Oh, one more thing.

Which way is the ladies' room?

Thank you, dearie.
You've been very helpful.

Ra-ra-ra!

Three cheers for what? -No!

R-robbed!

Robbed? Someone call Mr. Elcott.

Who did it? Point him out.

Stand back, everybody.

Not him. Lady.

- Old lady.
- Can you describe her?

- Old, old...
- Calm down, calm down!

Relax. -Old...

Come on,
release the electronic doors.

At once, Mr. Elcott.

Alright, lady, come out
with your hands up.

A gun! That horrible old lady's
got a gun!

A person isn't safe any place
in this rotten city.

You first. I'm not even married.

I couldn't find the button,
Mr. Elcott.

Mr. Elcott! Mr. Elcott!

They've trapped her
in the ladies' room.

Alright, little old lady,
are you coming out

or are we coming in?

Nothing.

Do you have a dime?

In deference to your years,
madam

I urge you not to do
anything foolish.

- Nothing.
- I don't get it.

I think I'm beginning to.

Someone lost a coat!

That dame in a yellow suit!
Where is she?

- Let's go!
- Come on, men, get out!

Bergdorf Goodman, please.

Taxi!

How are you?

What seems to be the trouble?

Stickup
at the city federal bank.

Imagine!

Five bandits with machine guns
and tear gas.

No!

Got away
with over 130,000 bucks!

As much as that?

Good gracious.

Mr. Elcott?

Congratulations, you've just
broken the world's record.

Robbed the same day you opened.

Throw this nut out!

He's not a nut.
He's a police lieutenant.

He doesn't sound like
much of a police lieutenant.

And you don't look like
much of a bank president.

And a good bony leg.
Did you notice?

I lost my trouser
defending my bank.

Something that wouldn't
have been necessary

had the police been on the job.

Now, now, Mr. Elcott,
you've got it backwards.

First, there is a bank job,
then there is a police job.

Do you mind lowering your voice?
It's bad for business.

Come inside.

You should have thought of that
before you left

all those $500 and $1000 bills
lying around.

It was a promotional idea
for the opening.

Bank notes of that denomination
aren't readily negotiable.

We have all the serial numbers.

I guess
it would be kind of tough

trying to break $1000 bill
in an automat.

Yeah, but if they could,

can you imagine
1000 bucks worth of nickels?

I think it's a funny image.

You find grand larceny amusing?

You're tense.
You're much too tense.

Very bad for the digestion.
Relax.

The insurance company,
let them be tense.

They have to make good
your losses.

I'm concerned
with our loss of prestige.

A thing like this could cause
the public to lose confidence.

Well, now, I can't imagine why.

If I were a police, lieutenant,
I think I'd be out looking

for $60,000 carried by a redhead
in a yellow suit.

The odds are, like, 40 to 1

that the redhead is no longer
modeling that particular number.

Here you are, Mr. Elcott.
Right here on film.

Everything that happened
between 2:00 and 3:00.

The robbery took place at 2:47.

We always film the first few days
of a new bank's operation.

- Helps eliminate the bugs.
- Well, talk about dumb luck.

Rothschild, get these down
to the lab.

We're going
to the movies tonight.

Get me Mrs. Elcott.
If she's not at home

Mrs. Elcott is here, Dr. Mannix.

Send her in.

- Good afternoon, Gregory.
- Good evening.

Oh, Gregory, I'm terribly sorry.
I just couldn't help it.

Things kept happening.

Oh, that feels good.

I've had such a day!

Good day, I hope? Mm.

No more escapism or attempt
to run away from reality?

A little running, yes.
Little escaping too.

Hm. Well, you look so beautiful
this afternoon

I'll try to forgive it.

Gregory, you've never said
anything like that before.

"In the spring,
a young man's fancy?"

Penelope, I am not in love
with you,

nor are you in love with me.

Although at this stage of your
analysis, you may think so.

Oh, I don't think
I'm in love with you.

Oh, you, you don't think
you're in love with me?

No. Never entered my mind.

Why? Are you disappointed?

Not in the least!

In fact, I'm relieved. Oh.

That's good.

So you had
an interesting day, huh?

Care to talk about it?

Well, let's see.

This morning I went shopping

and then I went
to the museum of modern art.

They have a marvelous
new exhibit there.

Then I had lunch
at the, uh, Plaza.

The palm court.

Eggs Benedict.

And then,
a few minutes before 3 o'clock

I stuck up my husband's bank.

Are you asleep?

No, I...

You're not associating.
You-you realize that?

How do you mean?

I mean, you said
you went shopping.

You went to the museum,
you had lunch.

Mm-hmm.

And then you said something
entirely irrelevant.

Gregory, it's you
who's not associating.

All I said was
I stuck up my husband's bank.

You said it again.
But you couldn't possibly.

How do you know?

Because I've been your analyst
for three years.

I know what you're capable of

and I know
what you're not capable of.

Would you like to bet?

My reputation in psychiatry

against anything
you care to put up.

Will this be enough?

What's that?

Well, I think
it's called the loot.

The-the loot?

P-Penelope, would-would you...

So you think
you robbed a bank, huh?

Hm, I've been saying that.

Then I went over to Bergdorf's
and bought this new outfit.

Do you like it?

Penelope, do you expect me
to believe

that you robbed
your husband's bank

and went blithely
off to Bergdorf's

and spent the loot
on dresses and minks?

- Of course not.
- Well, thank goodness.

No, I wouldn't spend
stolen money.

I have a charge account.

You still insist
you robbed a bank.

Now how could you?

Gregory, it's very simple...

Please, I-l don't wanna hear.
I-l don't want to hear it.

I-I-I-l don't wanna hear
about it.

Oh, of course, that would make
you an accessory after the fact.

Gregory, I'm sorry.
Don't be upset.

We'll just forget
I ever mentioned it.

We're not going to forget
about anything.

H-how much did you get?

That's horrible!

Yeah, but I just counted it.

It's only a little over 60,000.

So it's only half as horrible.

Penelope, nobody can just walk
into a bank

and pick up $60,000
by asking for it.

Of course, you can.
If you have a gun.

You don't own a gun!

Oh, Gregory,
you're always so positive.

What do you think this is?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was loaded.

I bought it
in the five and dime.

Penelope, this is very bad
for your therapy.

I'm sorry, Gregory.

Somewhere in your analysis,
I have obviously...

Passed up a vital clue.

Now I-l want you to tell me
again from the beginning

about the first time
that you took something.

You mean stole something,
don't you?

Gregory, we might
as well face it.

I'm a kleptomaniac.

I refuse to accept
that word clinically.

Now what was the first time?

Well, the very first time...

Was my last week in college.

I was all dressed up
for the senior prom

when Professor Klobb came by.

Professor Klobb taught
anthropology 404.

And he said he'd like
to show me some pictures

of the Okokos tribe
in his laboratory.

He said the Okokos
had some very strange customs.

Well, they certainly did,

but no stranger
than Professor Klobb's.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Sorry.

Oh!

Ah!

I didn't notice it at first,

but there was something
in my hand.

Somehow,
sometime during our session

in primitive anthropology,

I had grabbed hold
of Professor Klobb's

watch fob, diamond-studded.

I could have sent it back,
of course,

but I decided I'd just keep it

in memory of the strange
customs of the Okokos tribe.

So that's where I began
my life of crime.

Practically by accident.

When was the next incident?

Well, there were some
odds and ends

when I first came to New York.

But then after I met James,
I never stole anything.

Until... until when?

Until my wedding day.

I'll never forget how handsome
James looked that day.

I was terribly in love with him.

But so, it seems, was my matron
of honor, Mildred Halliday.

She wasn't exactly my choice,

but her father was on the board
of the bank.

At the reception,
James suddenly disappeared.

When I came to think about it,

I couldn't seem to locate
Mildred either.

I wasn't suspicious, really,

but I began to wonder
if it wasn't just possible.

It was.

In situations like this,

I always think
of clever things to say.

Well, time to cut the cake.

Hello, Penelope.

Jimmy and I
were just discussing weddings.

Yes, I heard you.

Well, everybody always kisses
the bride,

but-but-but no one thinks
of the groom.

Except you.

Well, it's my generous nature.

Oh, Jim, Jim, look.
You're all over lipstick.

Oh, don't be jealous, love.

Jimmy and I have known
each other for ages.

Ta.

Ta.

I thought briefly
about stabbing her in the back,

but I was afraid the cake knife
wasn't sharp enough.

Would you care
for an explanation?

No, you don't have to.

How was it?

I could take it or leave it.

Have you got
all of her lipstick off?

No, I hope. Why?

In those days, you'd never
suspect James was a banker.

Ready, everybody, ready!
Here they come!

Alright, Penelope,
let's see you hit a future bride.

I can still see Mildred
looking up at me.

She was wearing her
emerald earrings and necklace,

plus a very superior expression.

It was time to toss
the wedding bouquet.

I decided
I'd let Mildred have it.

Oh, Mildred.

Oh, darling, I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, that's good, darling.

Ta.

- Goodbye, my love.
- Goodbye.

And-and-and, darling, darling,

please don't forget to live
happily ever after.

- I will, bye. Bye.
- Goodbye, James.

- Goodbye, Douglas.
- Bye!

My, my earrings. My earrings!

And when we returned home
ten days later,

the necklace and earrings
were still in the potted palm jar.

- And you never returned them?
- No. Why should I?

How am I going to help you?

I'm sorry, Gregory.

- I'll try to do better.
- Alright.

Now, I want you to think
very carefully

before you answer this.

Each time you stole something,

do you remember
how you felt afterwards?

Guilty?

Upset?

Depressed.

Disturbed.

Cheerful.

How can you feel cheerful?

Gregory, that's why I'm here.

To try to find out
why stealing makes me cheerful.

You couldn't. You couldn't
possibly feel cheerful.

Which is one fault
that I do not have.

Kleptomania, yes.

Dishonesty, no.

You are not a kleptomaniac.

A kleptomaniac steals
out of compulsion,

but you steal
because you enjoy it.

You're angry with me.
You bet I am.

And we better end this session
right here.

Why? Because I...

Because I find I cannot...

I cannot maintain
a proper attitude of detachment.

And besides, your time is up.

Yes.

Mr. Elcott is calling Mrs. Elcott.

Oh, I wonder
what could be so urgent.

It may have something to do
with his wife sticking up his bank.

Yes, James?

Oh.

He won't be home for dinner.

Why not, darling?

No.

For heaven's sakes.

What?

You have?

When?

Oh, James, can I come?

Oh, thank you, darling.

Yes, yes, yes,
I promise I won't be late.

Gregory, guess what?

They have movies of the robbery,

and James is gonna let me
see them with the police.

I'm on film.
Isn't that exciting?

It's just like an actress
having a screen test.

Except that you get this part,
you're gonna play it in jail.

Gregory, I'd better run.

I've got a thousand things
to do first. Bye.

Thank you, Gregory.
When do I see you again?

With good behavior,
in about 20 years.

Tomorrow, same time. Same time.

Assuming you're still at large.

Dr. Knoblock, I think it's time
we resume my analysis.

You see, I've fallen in love
with this bank robber...

- Oh, may I help you?
- Oh, oui, madame.

I have here a suit
to donate to your charity.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, to whom shall we make out
the receipt?

- Bye.
- It's tax deductible, you know.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

It's gorgeous. I'll take it.

- You are too late!
- Say!

- Oh, please!
- What are you doing?

Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Ladies!

Such a big commotion. Over what?

Some yellow rag?

The color's all wrong
for your sallow complexion.

And yellow?
On a woman of your years?

How much were you going
to pay for this, lady?

Well, uh, uh, $20.
That seems fair.

- 21.
- It's damaged goods. Look.

In that case,
I'm not interested at any price.

Then neither am I.

Oh, dear.

Here's $7.

More than it's worth.

But then I'm such a soft touch.

Oh.

Sadaba, love of my life,

do you know what we have here?

It couldn't be.

But it couldn't be
anything else.

Nobody, nobody does seams
like Givenchy.

A Paris original for $7.

You're a genius.

In love with an angel.

Your rich angel.

In the shop,
we'll get $500 for this.

And a good hanger, six.

Please help the poor.

Please, friends,
open your hearts.

The lord loves a cheerful giver.

Please, friends,
open your hearts.

Help others.

Pardon, monsieur.

It is more blessed
to give than to take, no?

So we've been taught. Yes.

Hm, too bad it is not
the other way around.

Yes.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute,
I forgot my...

Never mind.

Cracker Jack?

We're coming up
on our first good look

at the suspect right here.

It's about time.

- Now what?
- Oh, it's my wife.

Uh, darling, lieutenant Bixbee.

- How do you do?
- And sergeant Rothschild.

Hello.

Am I, uh, missing anything?

Not from where I'm standin'.

Uh, sergeant,
as long as you're rewinding that

why don't you start
from the top for Mrs. Elcott?

Oh, that's very kind.

- Cracker Jack?
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Your shoes?
Where are your shoes, darling?

Oh, wouldn't you know it?
I left them in the taxi.

Last week,
it was in the elevator.

I could send out
an all-points bulletin.

I hope you have more luck
with my wife's shoes

than you're having
with my bank robbery.

Your bank, my robber. Remember.

Oh, this is so exciting.

James, that's you.

Oh, James, you look so handsome.

When do we get to see the girl?

Right now.

There she is.

Out of the way!

I can't see her!

Oh, maybe there's more.

- Turn around! Turn around!
- Yes, turn around!

Slow down the film.

Oh, she's gone.

Run that part backwards.

Oh, I like that.

Well, that's it.

Suspect, young white female,

5'3", red hair, yellow suit.

Did I forget anything?

Yeah, when viewed from behind,

she has
a very attractive wiggle.

Excuse me, Mrs. Elcott.
-not at all.

Not much help, was it?

No. What a shame.

Everyone else's face
was so clear.

You were very good, James.

And miss Serena
was just fabulous.

Yeah, considering she kept
her mouth open all the time.

Mm.

Incidentally, your cameras
are very strategically located.

We weren't expecting to
photograph the ladies' washroom.

Yeah. Bixbee.

Oh, very good.

Our first break in the case.

So soon?
I may have underestimated you.

Good work, officer.

We set up a roadblock
in Times Square.

Lieutenant, how dear of you.

Oh, James,
wash't that sweet of him?

Adorable.

Lieutenant Bixbee?

I already gave.

Oh, I'm major Higgins.

I'm very busy.

Well, that's a fine way
for a lieutenant

to talk to a major.

Uh, uh, lieutenant,

I was wondering if you could
tell me if this is real.

Excuse me a minute.

Major, where did you get this?

A young lady put it in my
tambourine about 5 o'clock.

Could you describe her?

Her clothes, her coloring?

Her height, her figure?

Uh, Mrs. Elcott,
would you stand up, please?

Oh, of course.

Yes, yes, she was just
about this young lady's height.

And figure.

Only...

Only what?

Only with blond hair.

Anything else? Yes.

She spoke
with a French accent and...

She had a mole on her cheek.

Excuse me. Right here.

Thank you.

Can you remember
anything she said?

Yes, I believe
her exact words were

"it is more blessed to give
than to take, no?"

Oh, we need workers like her.

So willing, so, uh...

Cheerful? Cheerful.

Yes, yes, that's the exact word.
Cheerful.

Yeah, she seemed
such a sweet person.

Isn't the money good?

Well, not for you, major.

This bill was stolen
this afternoon

from Mr. Elcott's bank.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

But I was just hoping.

Oh, well.

Major, wait!

Lieutenant Bixbee,
this is unfair.

It doesn't have to be fair.
It's the law.

What law?
I never heard of any such law.

I mean, why can't he keep it?

After all, he didn't steal it.
Somebody gave it to him.

It wasn't hers to give, darling.

But he needs it.

Isn't there anything you can do?

I'm afraid not.

Well, then, James,
you do something.

Uh, like what?

Write major Higgins a check.

- For what, darling?
- For $1000.

That's what
you're taking from him.

- Taking?
- Well, of course.

And besides,
you'll be breaking even.

How do-how do you
figure that out, darling?

Well, major Higgins
gave you back your $1000.

You give him back his $1000.
Simple.

Am I hearing right?
I can't believe this.

James!

If you don't give
major Higgins a check,

I'll never speak to you again.

Oh, please, folks, please.

We're meant to ease people's
troubles, not to cause them.

I'm sorry.

Please, James.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Five hundred?

A thousand.

A thousand.

Wait till word of this reaches

red cross, ymca and Hadassah.

And do you know what?

James still doesn't understand
that he broke even on the deal.

Maybe he was just
being stubborn.

No, he's just confused.

For a banker,
I think that's pretty strange.

Is all this milk good for you?

It's not for me,
it's for my ulcer.

You know,
lieutenant Bixbee was so nice

about getting back my shoes.

Why do you suppose I took this?

Gregory.

Go down the wrong pipe?

Penelope.

Penelope.

Penelope, did you,
did you ever think

of going
to another psychiatrist?

No, that would be disloyal.

I'm not helping you at all.

Of course you are.

Gregory, I'm sorry.
I'll send the wallet back.

It's not only this.

Oh, don't be discouraged
just because I stuck up a bank.

Your husband's bank.

Yeah, James' bank.

Why his bank?
Why not somebody else's bank?

Why are you writing left-handed?

I'm being an accessory
after the fact.

Would you mind
licking this for me?

I'm too dry.

Whatever made you marry a man
like that in the first place?

Oh, James wasn't a man like that
in the first place.

Oh, no.

The first time I met James was
at a greenwich village cellar

known as the plush pig.

I'd been working there
a couple of months.

It was my first real job
in New York.

♪ someone who knows who I am ♪

♪ but when you are far away ♪

♪ my world is clouded ♪

♪ the sun is gray ♪

♪ you can make me
touch the sky ♪

♪ give me wings
and help me fly ♪

♪ but without you
night and day ♪

♪ my world is clouded ♪

♪ the sun is gray ♪

♪ you hang the moon ♪

♪ scatter stars
throughout the sky ♪

♪ all of the good things
within me ♪

♪ must first be seen
through your eye ♪

♪ there is only
one thing wrong ♪

♪ the sun is gray ♪

♪ the sun is gray ♪

The devil's fiddle speaks.

Hi.

- Huh. Miss Penelope Gordon?
- Mm-hm.

If you sit down,
you won't have to scrunch over.

I'd offer you a drink,
but it's only water.

Would you excuse me
while I take out my eyes?

I'm James Elcott,
city federal bank.

Hm, contacts.

Oh, now I can see you
much better.

Well, I never shook hands
with a bank before.

How is it I haven't heard
from you, miss Gordon?

Well, it's probably
because we've only just met.

But I've written you nine times
in the last two months.

Oh, you really love folk songs,
do you?

Not exactly.
No, this is business.

City federal has accepted
trusteeship of a modest estate

left to you
by your mother's cousin.

Are you sure you've got
the right Penelope Gordon?

Absolutely.

The income from the estate
won't be much,

but there are papers to sign.

You're certain you never
received any of my letters?

Ah, I know what happened.

You see, I never open my mail.

Oh, who does it for you?

- Nobody.
- What happens to it?

Well, usually, I stick it away
in a drawer someplace

and then I always forget it
or it gets lost.

Don't you lose
a lot of friends that way?

Oh, no, just the opposite.

You see, if you write me
a letter and I answer it,

then you have to answer mine.

Then I answer your second letter
and you have to write me a third

and answer to my second.

And then I have to write you
a third

and you have to send me
a fourth.

And pretty soon, we're so busy
writing letters to each other

we haven't got time
to be friends.

Isn't that true?

Uh, I-I-l never, I never thought
of it like that, hm.

Well, anyway, I-l could still
look for your letters at home.

Would that help?

Well, we ought
to discuss them, yes.

Oh, dear.

What is it?

I've dropped my contact lens.
I'm always losing them.

Oh, oh,
don't get your pants dirty.

Oh, that's alright.

Do you, um, do you think
we could, uh,

get together sometime tomorrow?

Oh, sure, how about dinner?

I-I'm gonna have
some friends in.

Uh, that's wonderful.

Oh, these contacts,
they're so tiny.

We're never going to find them.

Well, does it matter?

You said yourself,
you can see better without them.

Oh, much better.

I think this optometrist
I was dating

gave me the wrong prescription.

May I ask something?

Why do you wear them?

Well, he said they make
my eyes look luminous.

I think
they're luminous already.

And quite beautiful.

Oh, well, then I don't need
to wear the contacts, do I?

I'm glad you came to see me.

So am l.

I'm looking forward
to tomorrow night.

So am l.

And now I'd like
to get up, please.

Pardon?

You're kneeling on my hair.

- Oh, I'm terribly...
- Oh, watch out for the...

Pipe.

Oh, dear. Oh.

I'm terribly sorry.

A-are you alright?

It's alright. Quite alright.

There's nothing
to concern yourself about.

Oh, dear.

Oh, you found my contact lens.

Yeah?

Miss Penelope Gordon?

Is this the bank?

Yes. Shall I come up?

No, but you're welcome down here.

Got it.

I hope I'm not overdressed
for the village.

No, I wouldn't say so.

Come on in and meet everybody.

Everybody, meet James Elcott.

You're dressed funny
for a banker.

- I could go home and change.
- Oh, no, I think it's sweet.

You dressed for us
and we dressed for you.

Penelope, help.

You know these things
make me nervous.

Don't panic, Sebastian.
Help is on the way.

- I'll just be a sec.
- I'm going to hold you to that.

I know you.

Do you bank at city federal?

I bank in my mattress.

Well, that's nice too.

Last night at plush pig,

you walked out on my big number.

An unintentional slight.

Talk's cheap. Wanna hear it now?

- Right here without your band?
- I'll fake it for you.

I've got to rescue my friend
from boom boom.

I shall rescue the businessman.

Please finish my present.

Well, it's your birthday.

How about a fast arrangement
of "greensleeves?"

Just a minute, boom boom.
He's mine.

Oh, come on, Sebastian.

I bet you fit in any place.

- I like your friends.
- They came with the lease.

Did that come
with the lease too?

No. I used to date this welder.

He must have been
an awful driver.

No, I had this other boyfriend
who owns a junkyard.

You got a lot of boyfriends,
haven't you?

Hm. You're my first banker.

Why all this shopping around?

Well, if you don't try
everything

how are you gonna find out
what you really like?

Out of the mouths of babes.

Again?

Where did everybody go?

They're all here.

Three weeks later,
we got married.

All in a rush.
Like if we didn't, we'd die.

And if your husband
was still the same

romantic greenwich village James,

would you be stealing now?

Oh, James hasn't got time
for romance.

He's too busy banking.

So you steal?

You're much too calm about it.

Well, why shouldn't I be calm?

After all, there's nothing
to connect me with the robbery.

Except the yellow suit.

You realize the police
are combing the city for it.

Mm, so I've read.

I took care of it.

You burned it?

No, I gave it away
to a thrift shop.

Thrift shop?

Do you realize
the chance you're taking?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll go buy it back.

Buy it? No, no!

Penny, look.

Are you trying
to get caught, mm?

You never should have gone there
in the first place.

Well, what else could I do?
Throw it away?

It would have been a lot safer.

Gregory, it was a Givenchy suit.

So?

Well, you can't just throw
a Givenchy down a manhole.

It's sacrilege.

And besides, James paid $1100
for that suit

and I wouldn't like
to see him waste his money.

Hi. Lieutenant Bixbee.
Sergeant Rothschild.

What a nice surprise.

Mrs. Elcott, do you shop here?

Yes, I often drop by.
They have fascinating things.

They did yesterday.
They had the yellow suit.

Not really.

How did they get it?

Well, they got it the same way

that major Higgins
got his $1000 bill.

It was donated by a blond girl
with a phony French accent.

- And we traced it here.
- Well, how clever of you.

Well, not so clever.

The lady back there read about it
in the paper and called us.

But we were clever enough
to pick up the phone.

Well, that's that.
You've got it.

Not yet. Somebody bought it.
Paid seven bucks.

- Seven bucks? But that...
- What? Too cheap?

Well, that's hard to say.

I'd have to see it first.

Well, why don't you come along
while we pick it up?

Do I get to ride
in a police car?

Yeah, with a siren
and everything.

Does sergeant Rothschild
always drive like that?

He was just showin' off a little.

This is the first police raid
I've ever been invited to.

Are you gonna break down
the door?

Well, you see,
that went out with prohibition.

Now we have a whole new image.

It's very suave and very couth.

So when we get inside,
you just take your cue from me.

Right, chief.

That's lieutenant, Mrs. Elcott.

That's Penelope, lieutenant.

Horatio. My father read a lot.

Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm.

Oh, cherie.

Now that's what I call
a vintage pastrami.

Mm-hm. Mm.

Mm.

Delish dill pickle...

Is nothing to throw rocks at.

I feel a slight heartburn
building up.

Quickly, my angel,
the cream soda.

Ah, good afternoon,
lady and gentleman.

Welcome to the salon
of Princess Sadaba.

The boutique tres chic.

- Salud.
- Ah, this domestic champagne.

Ah, and what can
Princess Sadaba do for you?

Don't tell me, I know.

With such a lovely figure,
you have obviously

come for one of Sadaba's
divine evening gowns.

Oh, no, a suit. Or a suit.

You see how Sadaba knows.

I'd like something bright.
I'm going to portofino.

Portofino! Oh, it is like fate.

Quick, the number
we have been saving for her.

- Madame Sadaba is psychic.
- Really?

Three weeks ago, she sends
all the way to Paris for this suit.

Why? Because she knows you will
be needing it for p-Puerto Rico.

Ducky, darling,
bring out the you-know-what.

Right away, majesty.

Et voilal

here we are.

Hot off the plane from Paris.

I believe you. It's still warm.

Try it on.

- Why?
- Why not?

You'd look good in yellow.

Sadaba is not only psychic,
she's a genius.

Look, see how it fits.
Like it was made for her.

That's just what I was thinking.

So was I.
It's absolutely divine.

It's just you.

Yeah. Yeah, it's just you.

Thank you. I'd love to have it.

On second thought, maybe Sadaba
keeps this creation for herself.

- Oh.
- Oh, please take it off.

Sadaba cannot bear
to part with it.

How much?

Oh, for you, Sadaba lets it go
for practically nothing.

Six hundred dollars.

I'll say this for you, Princess,
you got a lot of guts.

Is that the way
to talk to royalty?

Ducky, darling,
go upstairs and get the box.

Ducky will kill me,
but to make your little wife happy,

the Givenchy is yours for 595.

The lady is not my wife.

Sadaba will never
breathe a word.

Sadaba can breathe
all she wants.

I'm lieutenant Bixbee,
New York police.

Ducky?

The cops.

Uh, we didn't do
nothing illegal.

There's no law
against overcharge.

Just relax, your majesty.

Nobody is accusing anybody
of anything.

The suit is evidence
in a bank robbery.

It was in all the papers.

It was no mention of it in
the Christian science monitor.

Here it is.

It'll look lovely on you.

No, Mrs. Elcott,
we're taking it.

- Oh?
- Wrap it up, Princess.

Here. Big spender.

Seven bucks down the drain.

Relax.
Compliments of merrill lynch.

A whole $3 profit.

I'm terribly sorry.
You do have a lovely shop.

I'd like to come back
when I have more time.

Um, pleasure, pleasure.

Bye.

That name, that face.

I have seen her before, but where?

Where? Where?

Ducky, precious, I think
we go immediately browsing

through the back issues of vogue

at the public library. Come on.

The dame's got a lot of nerve
charging those figures, right?

Well, actually,
$600 isn't too far out of line.

For a secondhand suit?

A secondhand Givenchy suit.

I don't recall Sadaba
mentioning a Givenchy suit.

At least not while
you were there.

She didn't? -no.

Well, then how did I know?

Oh, she did say Paris.

I must have put
two and two together.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's probably it.

Very nice.

You know, I was saying
that in my line of work

you don't get a chance to spend
much time in a joint like this.

You know,
I think this is probably

my most favorite place
in New York.

Better than your husband's bank,
Mrs. Elcott?

How did I get demoted from
Penelope back to Mrs. Elcott?

Alright. Penelope.

Penelope, do you know...

Most of the time I like my job?

- What's that?
- That? It's bubblegum.

- May I have some?
- Yeah, help yourself.

Who's Ron Swoboda?

I just chew the gum.

You know, it's a funny thing
about crime.

But it's the innocent suspect

that usually looks
the most guilty.

That's because
he's got nothing to hide.

Keeps his guard down.

But the guilty ones,
they're always thinking.

They're watching themselves
pretty good.

How will they sound
and how will that look?

And in the end, it's their very
smoothness that traps them.

It's fascinating.

How do you do that?

Now what kind of a childhood
did you have?

The kind with braces
on your teeth.

Spread the gum flat,
poke your tongue into it

and fill the pocket with air.

- I did it!
- Beginner's luck.

Penelope, I am the best damn cop
I know...

And that's my trouble.

I'm too damn good
for my own damn good.

I think you're very good.

That's what that lady bank robber's
about to find out.

You know, that poor kid
doesn't have a chance.

Mm. -overconfident.

You see, in the neighborhood
that I come from

a kid had three chances.

He could be a hood,
he could be a cop,

he could be a priest.

Well, I was too clumsy to steal
and we weren't catholic.

Maybe if I'd had a neighborhood.

Penelope. What?

Did you spend a lot of time
in your husband's bank?

No, I hardly ever go there
if I can help it. Why?

When we ran the film

you knew the teller's name
just like that.

Well, of course I knew her name.

It was on a plaque
on the counter.

Didn't you see it?

Well, I guess
I'm not as good at my job

as I thought I was. I missed it.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

I was supposed to meet James
ten minutes ago.

Do I get to keep Ron Swoboda?

Hey, Horatio, watch.

Not bad, hm?

Terrific.

Then James began to get promoted
at the bank.

Third vice president,
second vice president,

first vice president.

At last, we're getting
to the crux of your problem!

Don't you see it?

You feel left
out of your husband's life

so you compensate
for his lack of attention.

I do?

In desperation,
I began taking up hobbies.

First, hobbies with James.

James! James!

Things were still
pretty much up in the air.

So I next tried hobbies
for James.

James! James! Look what we won!

Good girl.

Good boy.

Well, at least
he patted me first.

Nothing worked.

It's funny.

There's only one hobby
that seemed to cheer me up.

Burglary.

Not burglary.
That's forcible entry.

All you committed
was simple larceny.

Please, Gregory, I'd rather
think of it as burglary.

It's more exciting.

Penelope, how many victims
did you burglarize?

And whom did you choose
to burgle?

Uh, bur-burglarize. Uh, Rob.

I don't know. Just people.

Yes, people.
People who are your husband's

business associates, huh?

Yes.

For some reason,
I just hated them.

No matter where James and I went

there was no getting away
from the world of finance.

"The president's statement on taxes

brought selling pressure
into the market.

And though
he did reiterate that...

Oh, let's go for a little swim.

Eh, well... don't you think
it's late, isn't it?

Oh, come on.

At Newport,
it was Johanna Keller,

one of the bank's
biggest depositors.

- The last hot dog I ate...
- Oh, come on.

Oh, please, miss...

After that, we didn't see
so much of miss Keller.

Even when we'd go dancing,
like the night at the block,

sooner or later,
James' banking friends

would manage to spoil our fun.

Oh, sooner or later, I'm going to
have to talk business with them.

I don't see why.

After all, you don't dance
with them at the bank, do you?

I love you, darling.

I'm glad I don't have to do
business with you.

Not fair, you two.

Oh, it's "la bostella."

Couldn't you just die?

When the music stops,
we all fall down.

I just had to fix him.

Not bad.

Diamond tiara, three brooches,

nine bracelets and a lavaliere.

Oh, and my best caper
was when I took...

Penny, just stop. Just stop.

But there's lots more.
I could go on for hours.

Maybe you could, but I couldn't.

Gregory, you mustn't let this
depress you.

Depression is a luxury

not permitted
the experienced psychiatrist.

Well, that's good.

Because there is a bright side
to this whole thing.

Well, the way
my marriage was headed

and the state of nerves I was in,

if it hadn't been
for kleptomania

I might have gone a little kook.

Penny, do you have any idea
how difficult

it is being your analyst?

Oh, Gregory,
you should have known me

in the days before you knew me.

I was vague, frivolous.

You might even say
a bit of a ding.

Thank heaven,
I've settled down. Bye.

What do you suppose it means

when you keep forgetting
your shoes? Hm.

Where are you rushing to?
You still have seven minutes left.

Oh, you can owe me.
I'm off to the park Lane galleries.

There's a Rembrandt there
that's a steal.

A Rembrandt.
Penny, you wouldn't.

Taxi! Taxi!

Psst.

Psst.

Gregory. Shh!

What? Police.

They may have followed me.
Police?

Gregory, what have you done?

Nothing.
I haven't done anything.

Well,
if you haven't done anything

then why would the police...

Penelope, I don't want to get
into a discussion, not now.

Now tell me, where,
where did you hide the money?

What money?

What do you mean, what money?
You know what...

Loot. The loot.

Oh, that money.

Well, frankly,
that's had me very worried.

I mean, I couldn't just leave it
lying around any place.

You know,
that could be very dodgy.

I carry it with... oh!

Your lieutenant Bixbee,
he knows.

He just came to see me.

I thought he acted
strangely yesterday.

Strangely how?

I don't know. Sort of... guilty.

Why would he feel guilty?
Oh, never mind. Ooh!

Penny, listen to me.

You've got to get that money
back to the bank today.

Now. How?

I can't just walk in
and hand it over.

Well, I figured that...

Oh, give me the money

and I'll, I'll stick it
in the night deposit chute.

Oh, Gregory, I don't like
to see you get involved.

Neither do I.

Come on. All of it.

Oh, penny.

Penny.

- Alright, how do I look?
- Frightened.

Oh, no, I mean up here.

- Like Batman.
- Thanks.

Gregory, you're very sweet.

But why do you insist
on doing this?

Because I'm in love with you.

- Because I'm crazy about you.
- Gregory.

And when I say crazy,
I'm using the word medically.

- But just the other day...
- Forget it.

- You said...
- Forget it. Forget it!

Now let's get out of here
and try to act very natural.

- They locked us in!
- Don't worry.

That bell
ought to bring somebody.

That bell will bring everybody.
That's a burglar alarm.

- What if they search us?
- Well, what of it?

- We haven't stolen anything.
- Not today, we haven't.

What do you think this is?

- Oh, penny.
- They wouldn't dare search us.

Yoo-hoo, somebody! Yoo-hoo!

Not yet! Not yet!

Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!

Good evening. Would you mind
opening the gate, please?

You in there,
what are you up to?

Nothing. I swear it.

Please call the manager.

I am the manager.

Where were you hiding
when we locked up?

Oh, right behind that cabinet.

No, we weren't.
We weren't hiding.

We were standing.
We were standing.

Don't you realize we're closed?

Well, that's just the trouble.

If you were open,
we could leave.

And don't you dare try
to search us

or we'll call the police.

Penelope! She didn't mean that.

You didn't mean that.

What are you, lady?
Some kind of a nut?

I don't care for your attitude.

And for your information,
you have seen

the last of me in this gallery.

Come, Gregory.

Morning, darling. Hello. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

What? You sure?

Yeah, I-l find that hard
to believe.

In, uh, half an hour.

Right.

Who was that on the phone?

The bank.

Oh, what'd they want?

What did who want?

The bank.

They wanted to talk to me.

- Well, what about?
- About banking.

Oh.

Well, where did they hide
the financial section?

Since when have you been
concerned with money matters?

I'm just showing
a little wifely interest.

Well, that's funny.
The financial section?

No, I was just hoping...

- Morning, Toshi.
- Morning.

I just thought maybe
there might be

some good news
about the robbery.

How can there be good news
about bad news?

Well, it's possible.
You could get the money back.

That wouldn't be
in the financial section.

It would be on the religious page
under miracles.

Well, you already got
that $1000 back.

Let's hope I don't get the rest
back the same way.

I could go broke.

James, you still don't understand
about that, do you...

Now I do, I do, I do.

Now, please,
don't explain it again.

I broke even, I'm delighted,
I'm delirious, huh?

Well, you did break even. Mm.

Dr. Mannix says
you're just being stubborn.

Oh, Dr. Mannix says that,
does he?

Yes, he does.

How does Dr. Mannix
know anything about it?

Well, I told him.

I tell him everything.

What do you mean, everything?

Everything.

About me too?

Well, of course.

I think I'll have a talk
with your Dr. Mannix.

James, that's marvelous.

You have no idea
how much he could help you.

I don't want help.

Well, then why waste the money?

Lieutenant Bixbee.

Your money...

We got it all back.

I knew it.

Seems I underestimated you,
Bixbee.

I thought maybe you'd like
to go down to headquarters.

You see, we also got the girl
who stole it.

We're bringing her up
for questioning now.

Toshi, my hat!

I don't understand.

Well, you know, it kind of
took me by surprise too.

I thought I had this case
all figured out.

- Goes to show you.
- Ready, lieutenant.

Wait a minute.
James, I'll go with you.

No, no, darling, there's no need
for you to be involved in this.

Wait for me! Wait for me!

Horatio, what if you've
arrested the wrong girl?

Not a chance.

She had the money on her
when we picked her up.

Alright. Right this way.

Oh, hi, doll.

Well, you're new in here,
aren't you?

I mean, I don't recall
making your acquaintance

in night court or nothin'.

Mine's honeysuckle Rose.

You must be doing pretty good.

That almost looks like
for-real mink.

Alright, miss Rose.
Just hold it. Relax a minute.

No offense, Mrs. Elcott.

The lady in the genuine mink
is the wife of this gentleman,

who happens to be the president
of the bank that you hit.

Oh.

Well, she looks
pretty enough to be...

What's your right name, honey?

Well, I told you.
Honeysuckle Rose.

My sister's mexicali Rose.

I know, the roses
of Washington square.

Huntington, West Virginia.

We drove through there once,
James, remember?

Penelope, please.
Can't we get on with this, hm?

Honeysuckle, why don't you
be a good girl

and just give us
a full confession?

Hm, okay.

Um, I was walking my cat
up park Avenue

around, uh, 3 o'clock
this morning

when I see that lying
on the sidewalk... practically.

Correction.
You walked into my bank

around 3 o'clock
in the afternoon

two days ago
and stole the money.

Now wait a minute.

Do I look like a person
who'd stick up a bank?

Of course not.

Oh, come now, walking a cat
at 3 o'clock in the morning?

I don't see
anything wrong with that.

She probably does night work.

- Do you?
- Well, uh...

Yeah.

You see?

Well, I'm glad
we got that decided.

Penelope, I don't think
you're getting the full picture.

You see, the charge
against miss Rose here

is not cat-walking,
it's bank-robbing.

Well, it's a frame.

I never set foot inside
that bank, I swear it.

I believe you.

Well, but they don't.

Well, look at their faces!

Oh, this is no 30 days and out rap.

They-they wanna lock me up
and throw away the key.

Honey, believe me, you're only
making it tough on yourself

by sticking to this
cockamamie story.

Well, that's the only
cockamamie story I know!

Alright, matron,
get her out of here.

Oh, no. No, wait.

Wait, I-I-l admit it.

Lied.

The-the money w-wasn't
on the sidewalk.

I-it was sticking
out of the deposit slot.

Well, I was gonna return it.
Maybe collect a reward even.

But that doesn't make me
a bank robber, does it?

I mean, not-not like they mean.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You're making
a terrible mistake.

Honey, they know
what they're doing.

Well, how do you know
that she isn't telling the truth?

It's my theory. It could have
happened exactly as she said it.

You mean somebody
actually left $59,000

on the doorstep of a bank
in the middle of the night?

- Yes!
- Who, Mrs. Elcott?

The thief, that's who.
The bank robber.

For what possible reason,
darling?

Because she was trying
to get rid of it.

In the same bank
that she stole it from?

Certainly.

You see, she never wanted
the money in the first place.

- She only took it because...
- Because why?

Because she couldn't
help herself.

Uh, we appreciate your help,
Mrs. Elcott,

but your theory is based
on sympathy for the suspect,

not fact.

Okay, matron.

No!

Alright.

You wanted a confession
and I'll see that you get one.

Thanks a lot,
but miss Rose is not talking.

No, not from miss Rose,
from the bank robber.

From the woman
who robbed your bank

and escaped in a red wig
and a yellow suit.

Me.

I'm sorry, James.

I'll just have to explain later
why it had to be your bank.

But right now,
the most important thing

is to get to the truth of this

so that this poor innocent girl
doesn't have to go to jail.

So if you will call
a stenographer

I will dictate a full statement.

Now, Mrs. Elcott,
I'm afraid you're under a strain.

Perhaps
you better take her home.

You know, a nap or somethin'.

Why, you don't believe me.

None of you.

You don't recognize the truth
when it slaps you in the face.

You think I'm crazy, don't you?

Oh, no, certainly not. No.

Uh, you know, sometimes, uh...

Well, we all need help
sometimes.

Well, I am not under a strain.

And as far as my head,
it has never been

clearer than at this moment.

And as far as my needing help
is concerned,

let me assure you that I see my
psychiatrist five times a week.

Matron.

I'm sorry, miss Rose.

But don't worry,
they can't keep you long.

I'll make them believe me.
I promise you.

Thank you.

But-but you know something,
Mrs. Elcott,

a-and it's a shame,

even I don't believe you.

My poor darling.

Oh, I'm so disappointed
in you, James.

Why won't you believe me?

Believe you're a kleptomaniac?
A thief? A bank robber?

Darling, would you
believe that of me?

Of course.

If you really
and truly wanted me

to believe that you were a thief,
I would.

- Because I trust you.
- How can I believe you?

Last night at 3:00
in the morning

you were in bed next to me.

Well, what's wrong with that?
We're married.

Uh, but-but the money, darling.

Oh, that.

Gregory took it back for me.

I must say he didn't do
a very good job of it.

He's not doing a very good job
of helping you

by humoring
these fantasies of yours.

Do you know why Gregory says
I robbed your bank?

Because you pay more attention
to it than you do to me.

You hardly ever
even notice me anymore.

You know I do. What do you want?
Tell me what you want.

Anything, anything you want,
darling.

Well, there's only one thing
I really care about.

Something that would mean
a great deal to me.

Name it.

I'd like to give
a nice cocktail party

for all of your friends.

A cocktail party.

Should you tell the driver
to drop you off at the bank?

In this?

She's home? Mrs. Elcott?

Who is calling, please?

Friends.

Anonymous.

Mr. and Mrs. anonymous.

Hello.

- You remember Sadaba?
- And ducky?

Of course.

Have a seat, Mrs. Elcott.

Is there something
I can do for you?

- For us? No.
- We do something for you.

Oh, well, I'm expecting guests.

Uh, if you're here
to sell me a dress...

Much more important
than a dress.

We come to sell you freedom.

Oh! Oh, well,
that's a wonderful cause.

I'm always interested
in freedom.

- For everybody.
- Especially for you.

The check now.

How much would you like?

Twenty-five thousand dollars.

As much as that?

Well, what, uh, is it for?

To keep a nice lady out of jail.

Sadaba knows Mrs. James Elcott
robbed her husband's bank.

You know that?

Really? Are you positive?

You didn't hear her
just tell you?

Can you prove it?

Is Sadaba a fool?

Certainly she proves it. How?

Here is a picture
from magazine two years old.

You recognize the lady?

- It's me!
- Oh, not so close.

Ducky, sweetheart,
read the words.

"At luncheon for charity,
Mrs. James Elcott of New York

wearing a suit of yellow wool
designed by Givenchy."

It's me in the yellow suit!

Well, if anybody saw that...

You're blackmailing me!

Blackmail is a criminal offense.

What we're trying to do

is a $25,000 good turn.

Oh.

And suppose I won't pay it?

But you will,
or we show this to your husband.

Oh, can I depend on that?

Here is my word.

What does she mean,
depend on it?

Oh, he ought to be along
any minute.

Can you wait?

So maybe the husband
is in the game, huh?

So maybe we don't even bother
to show him?

Oh, you've got to, please.

We don't got...

But maybe we take the picture
to the police.

Right away. Quick.

What do you say to that?

Okay, I-I'll go with you.

No.

Ducky, something is smelling
crooked in the place.

- Out.
- No! Oh, wait! Please, listen!

- We get rid of the evidence!
- Stop! What are you doing?

Please,
you're spoiling everything!

We swallow the evidence!
Swallow!

James, oh, darling.

Thank heaven you're here.

Darling, this is
Princess Sadaba and Ducky.

And they came here
to blackmail me.

Princess Sadaba,
now please explain to my husband

why you're blackmailing me.

We came to interest your wife
in an evening gown.

Out of the blue,
suddenly I'm hearing

uh, about blackmail.

James, that's not true.

They have positive proof
that I robbed your bank.

What bank?

Mr. Elcott, I hate to say this,

but you are married
to some wacky woman.

My wife has not been
feeling too well lately.

James, are you going
to believe them or me?

Honey,
you're imagining things again.

Imagining things?
Imagining things?

Alright, ask him
what he's eating.

Excuse me, sir,
what are you eating?

- I had a late lunch.
- Thank you.

Oh!

Come, highness.

I'm sorry.

If there's any way
I can make amends...

You got maybe a little seltzer?

Out!

James, such a fun party.

When's your Penelope
going to appear?

Maybe she's having zipper trouble.
I'll just go and see.

Dr. Mannix.

I didn't know a psychiatrist
made house calls.

I am a guest.

And I have an invitation. See?

You did. Now you don't.

Isn't that a rather
childish thing to do?

Then how about something
more grownup?

Say, a punch in the nose?

Taking out your aggressions on me
is not going to help you.

It won't help you, but then
you're not helping my wife.

I've only been on the case
for three years, sir.

At the end of which time,
your patient, your former patient

is worse off than
when she first started with you.

Former? W-w-what do you mean by,
uh, former? I don't understand.

Then I'll explain. You're fired.

Wait! Elcott, you can't do that!

Penny. Penny?

Yes, what is it?

Everyone's asking for you, honey.
Are you coming out?

I told you, yes.

When?

As soon as Mildred Halliday
gets here.

What's Mildred Halliday
got to do with it?

You'll see.

Penny, just let me in
and we'll talk it over, huh?

Penny, if you'll just answer me.

Penny, open!

This knob, it sticks. Oh.

- I have to get a screwdriver.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, you should try to find it
in the yellow pages.

Or open my door.

Hello, Mildred.
Welcome to the party.

Oh, James, make sure Mildred
gets everything she wants.

- Oh, poor darling.
- Oh, Mildred.

Would you mind doing me a favor?

Oh, anything, anything.

Try kissing somebody else
for a change, huh?

Well, honestly, I do,

but I just don't
enjoy it as much.

A double scotch.
Soda or over the rocks?

Over another double scotch.

Ooh, yummy, I'll drink to that.

Good evening. Good evening.

Good evening, James.

Penny, what's all this?
You'll see.

Dear miss Heller,
so good of you to come.

Have you seen the bottom of any
good swimming pools lately?

Mistaken? I...

Daphne. Daphne, darling.

The next time you go discothequeing,
you should be more careful.

You lost your tiara.

James, is this her idea
of a joke?

Penny darling, come inside.

Mildred, for some reason

they don't seem
to want their jewelry back.

But I'm sure you will.

A memento of my wedding day.

Dear Penelope, you always did

have such a quaint
sense of humor.

I never saw those emeralds
in my life.

- Mildred!
- Penny, please.

James, something's wrong.

Something's terribly wrong.

I'm frightened.

Penelope, wait!

- Penelope! Penelope, wait!
- Jimmy, let her go.

She knows she's made a fool
of herself and she's embarrassed.

- I've got to stop her.
- Oh, you'll be sorry if you do.

I'll be sorry if I don't.

All night long.

I tell you
I'm frantic with worry.

If you think of anything...

Well, it's obvious
she thinks you've failed her.

She's confused.

And in her confusion

she'll turn to the one person
she can trust.

Yours truly.
Just calm down, Elcott.

We're doing everything we can.

If your wife feels
in any danger,

no offence, it's me that
she'll come to for protection.

Miss Serena.

- Oh, what a sweet name.
- Thank you.

I always think that names
have a great influence...

Who do you think... ow!

Alright, let me... watch out.

I'm not afraid of you,
you big bully.

The idea of an old woman
taking a...

Shame on you!

Shatterproof, ha!

Shut that damn thing off!

Thank you.

Oh, my fertile eggs
and my yogurt. I'll sue you.

Now let's see who's under
this ridiculous-looking mask.

She didn't say nothin'
about nose-tweaking

when she give me the ten bucks.

She? Who?

A practical joke, she said,
and I believed her.

Her with those big,
sad brown eyes,

and how she could cry.

What did she look like?

Young, pretty,
white evening gown

and about so big.

Penelope.

- Oh!
- Darling, it's me.

It isn't you.

We've been robbed. Back there
while we were all up here.

Penelope.

Elcott, wait a minute.

I know. Follow the cab.

No, no, I'm looking for a girl.

Who ain't?

And she'd have just
come out of the bank.

- With a real nice wiggle?
- Yes, yes.

Which, which-which way
did she go?

Downtown.

Downtown?

What you starin' at, Mac?

That face.

Oh, for-for a moment,
you looked just like my wife.

And I thought mine was a dog.

Downtown, you said?

Uh, take me to centre street,
police headquarters.

Penelope?

I was right. You came to me.

Who else would I come to?

You want me to go ahead
without you?

Listen,
you're not gonna believe this,

but somebody just knocked over
your husband's bank.

Well, you won't believe this,
but I believe you.

You robbed your husband's bank?

Twice.

Sergeant, I just solved
the Elcott case.

When I grow up,
I wanna be a cop just like you.

You'll have to release
honeysuckle now, won't you?

Scout's honor.

I'm going, I'm going.

Well, I, uh, I guess we won't
be seeing one another anymore.

Aren't you gonna arrest me?

Not unless the bank president
presses charges,

which is hardly likely.

Thank you, Horatio.

You're welcome, Penelope.

Well, it was a great criminal career
while it lasted.

One of the best.

Mr. Elcott, come on in.

I've never seen you
take a drink before 5:00.

It's gotta be 5:00 someplace.

But you're not Penelope.

Hear that?

And this guy sends his wife
to the crazy doctor.

I don't think
whisky's your answer.

Gregory.

Gregory?

I told him you would turn to me.

Oh, who else could I turn to?

Thank heaven
you're safe and sound.

Safe but not sound.

Gregory, I'm really frightened.

There must be something
terribly wrong with me.

I mean, I just cannot
get it through my head

that I didn't actually
steal all those jewels.

And yet I know I couldn't have.

You did steal the jewels.

They stuck
the insurance companies

with their claims but good,

so naturally, they didn't
want the stuff back.

Then I'm completely cured.

You are?

Yes. Didn't I tell you?

I just finished
robbing James' bank again.

But you're completely cured?

Of course.

Because the whole time
I was doing it

I was crying like anything.

Don't you get it?

You see, the stealing didn't
make me cheerful anymore.

It made me feel rotten.

So that means
I'm not a kleptomaniac.

Isn't that wonderful?

That's terrible.

No more stealing.
No more hobbies.

No more marriage.

Just feeling rotten.

Is that wonderful?

What next?

Well, you could marry me.

I know it sounds unethical,

and you'd probably
have difficulty

readjusting me
from a father figure

to a lover image.

And I'm probably
too tall for you.

Too old.

I'm sure you don't have
enough closet space

for my clothes
in your apartment.

I do snore a lot and...

I have this ulcer.

Dr. Knoblock!

I need help!

How could you do this to me,
Penelope?

You know
I can't stand rejection.

Penelope.

Dr. Mannix.

Uh, you, you've got to help me.

Everywhere I look,
all I can see is Penelope.

In the bank, in the cab,
at the police station.

And just now when I came in,

even you looked
like Penelope to me.

I know it's all mixed up
with loving her and missing her

and, and feeling guilty

about shoving her aside
for that stupid bank.

I probably shouldn't be
boring you with all this.

Oh, no, don't stop now.

You're just getting
to the good part.

Ah, now I'm really gone.

You even sound like her.

If there was only some way,
if I could only find her

and tell her
how much I need her.

Dr. Mannix, you need help.

Everybody does these days.

The only difference is,
we well-adjusted

maladjusted ones
realize it in time.

And besides,
the best help of all

is the kind
you can only get at home.

What does it mean
when you forget your shoes?

- Well...
- It means we're cured, darling.

♪ picture a girl whose life
is as crazy as a mad magician ♪

♪ this is Penelope ♪
♪ this is Penelope... ♪