All language subtitles for Outmatched s01e01_English

ANNOUNCER:
These parents are Outmatched.

How did I give birth
to Wikipedia?

ANNOUNCER:
All-new episodes Thursdays.

And watch other Fox shows
like Last Man Standing.

-Bingo.
-Only on Fox.

(quietly): I can't believe he's
still in there getting tested.

It's gonna be fine.

He's a regular kid--
he's just a little weird.

-I'm not worried.
-Really?

Because it seems like
you're nervously fixing

a perfectly good cabinet door.

It is not perfectly good.

It has actually been broken...
since I nervously ripped it off.

Mr. and Mrs. Bennett,
I have great news.

Marc's IQ is off the charts.

He's gifted.

-No!
-Damn it to hell!

I'm sorry, but did you hear
what I just said?

Your son is a prodigy.

This is wonderful.

We know the drill.
We've already been through this.

Twice.

(speaking French)

-English.
-Please tell your son

you promised me the dining room
for my hyper-polyglot meeting,

not for his juvenile
food nonsense.

Molecular gastronomy
is not juvenile.

It's science you can eat.

The smoke in this jar is
a whole Thanksgiving dinner.

No one cares!

You can taste the yams.

See? This is every day.

Well, most people would see

three gifted children
as a blessing.

Yeah, yeah. yeah. Blessed
with private school tuition,

grant application fees,

hazardous waste removal.

Do you know
what it's like to wake up

in the middle of the night
and see your child

drawing your blood
for a medical experiment?

(whispers):
'Cause I do.

Mother to future mother:

you better hope that one
turns out more like this one.

Noses are like mouths...

that eat smells.

(Mike and Kay chuckle)

She's our star.

Okay. Well,
you should also know,

Marc actually had the highest
score that I ever tested.

I see what's going on here.

How much is it gonna take
to make this go away?

Honey, honey, honey. Honey.

It's too late.
He's one of them now.

I will see myself out.

I guess this means I'm gifted.

(Kay sighs)

It's okay, buddy.

We still love you.

*

Know what it means now that
Marc's officially gifted?

We can no longer live in denial.

The schools are so cheap
in denial.

No. We're gonna have to pony up
for private school.

Or we keep him in public,
bump him up to 12th grade.

It'll give us another year
to save up.

I mean, sure,
he'll be a small senior...

But that just means the lockers
he gets stuffed into

will be extra roomy.

Maybe we can tuck him in under
the sink tonight to practice.

Ah, yeah, we can't do any
of that, 'cause we love him.

And we don't want a true crime
podcast made about us.

-Hey, Daddy.
-Oh, God.

You look handsome. What are you
doing at work today?

Building a window seat
for the Jasters' bedroom. Why?

I'm just interested in you.

But now that we're
asking questions,

when the tester said that
Marc's FISC score

was the highest
she's ever tested,

that's only because
she didn't test me.

Right?

Uh-uh, no.
I-I am not playing this game.

We don't tell any of you
your IQs.

It's okay. I already know my
score was higher than Brian's.

Oh, God, I know you're trying
to trick me,

but I don't know how. Kay?

Kay! She wants to know
their FISC scores.

No chance.
There's already enough ego

and competition in this house.

Thanks a lot, Mike!

It's not even 8:00 a.m.,

and we've already been assaulted

and lost our dining room
to a science experiment.

This does not bode well.

Right.

-Because "bode" means...
-Look good.

-It doesn't look good.
-I know what it means.

-I know the word.
-You do not! You don't know

-what it means.
-It's one of my favorite words.

-Mommy, I have a question.
-Yeah, honey?

If Brian's a genius,
and Nicole's a genius,

and now Marc's a genius,
am I a genius?

Well, you have a lot
of good qualities,

but, um, do you want
to be a genius?

No.

I want to be a waffle.

You'd be delicious.

Hey, buddy.

What are you doing with that?

I'm developing an opera
about Sacco and Vanzetti,

two Italian anarchists in 1921
who were put to death.

Neato.

-Basement?
-Basement.

I don't know what to do anymore.
It's sad.

I don't feel like I can relate
to our kids at all.

-I know. They're so weird.
-Yeah.

And they're only
getting weirder.

I mean, where does it end?

Today it's opera,
next it could be...

I don't know what's worse
than opera,

but I'm worried our three kids
will invent it,

and we'll have to go to it.

And they've taken over
the whole house.

I mean, th-this is all
that we have left.

Our monument to simpler,
dumber times.

Remember when I reeled
that guy in

at Spencer's Gifts?

I used to think this basement
is where our kids would

sneak down to smoke pot.

And now we do.

Maybe we just
did everything wrong.

No, the problem is
we did everything right.

We nurtured their gifts

and encouraged their
natural curiosity.

-Man, that was dumb.
-Yeah.

-I mean, look where it got us.
-Yeah.

You know, at this point,
I would just settle

for, like, a regular day

where I don't need
Google Translate to find out

if I've been insulted.

Or where we bring home
an animal as a pet,

-and not to dissect.
-Or to clone.

Oh, the cloning's the worst.
When they look at you,

you know that they know
they're a mistake.

All I want is one day of normal.

We need it.
The kids definitely need it.

I mean, I love them.

I don't want them to grow
into super weirdos.

All right, so let's do it.

We just gotta think of a way
to get them on board.

Oh...

Are you even still...

No, I was thinking we need
more snacks down here.

I don't really get your problem.

If you want your kids
to have a normal day,

just force 'em.

You can't force your kids
to be normal.

But you could bully 'em.

You used to be a great bully
in high school.

Yeah, but I'm different now.

I've got 21.

Oh, look who can count.

Here, man. Dang.

See? You still got it.

Mike doesn't like it
when I bully people, though.

It reminds him of his bully
in high school-- me.

But you're outnumbered
over there now.

You're gonna have to do
whatever it takes

to tilt the odds back
into the house's favor.

Yeah, I gotta stop being nice

-about it for their own good.
-Thank you.

-You know what I'm gonna do?
-What?

Tomorrow, I am forcing them
to go somewhere that is fun,

dumb and taught me
everything I know.

-The boardwalk?
-That's right.

We're gonna do
the Tilt-A-Whirl

and eat funnel cake
and ride the log flume

until we throw up
a bunch of funnel cake.

But I need the time
to work on my opera.

I've been a genius for a day
and have accomplished nothing.

Tomorrow you will accomplish
whacking moles

and winning cheap
stuffed animals,

like we're a normal family.

That doesn't sound normal.
It sounds trashy.

We live in Atlantic City.
Normal is trashy.

I think it sounds fun.

Why?

No, seriously, is it okay
if I bring a friend?

Yes!

Yes, of course.

That's such a...
normal thing to do.

He's got a friend, just like
the kids in the movies.

Hey, and if it gets you guys
more excited about it,

you are welcome
to bring friends, too.

My best friend's already coming.

Hey, Dad.

No! Stay back.

I know you're just gonna
try to trick me

into spilling your IQs.

No, I was just coming over
to borrow the sunscreen.

Someone's paranoid.

Sorry.

It's a side effect
of the medication I'm... vaping.

Yeah, no, we're all good.

Mom told me Marc's score, so...

Yeah. No chance.

No, really, she did.

She told me he scored a 142.

See, I know that's not true,
'cause he scored a 156.

Damn it. Kay!

I love you, Daddy.

-Hey, Mom.
-Hey.

Can you believe it?

All of the kids are
actually ready.

I even got Marc
to wear swim trunks.

I mean, he called them
"water khakis,"

but whatever, he's wearing them.

So, as soon as Brian's friend
gets here, we can leave.

It is such a relief.

I am so happy to know
this family isn't so far gone

we can't have
one normal day around here.

(knock on door)

-Hi, Mrs. Bennett.
-Can I help you?

-Stu-Stu!
-Bri-Bri!

(both squawking)

BOTH:
Dab!

What is happening?

I think we just met
Brian's friend.

So, you're the friend
Brian is bringing

on our "normal" family day.

(chuckles)

How exactly do you two
know each other?

From the Astronomical Society
message boards.

And I know what you're thinking.
"How are these two friends?"

I mean, he does
computational physics,

and I do theoretical physics.

Like, what?

(laughs)
But I can't thank you enough

for inviting me,
Mr. and Mrs. Bennett.

Mike and Kay would probably be
less awkward for everyone.

-Well, Mike...
-I was wrong.

(Stu clears throat)

I've just been so stressed
waiting to hear about

the application for the
Princeton Physics Fellowship.

A day at the beach
is exactly what I need.

If we're not leaving,

I'm taking off my ocean slacks.

BOTH:
Not in front of Stu!

I mean, uh, yes, yes,
we are leaving, but, um...

Your mom and I just need to talk
to Brian alone for a minute.

Oh, FYI, I have a severe
nut allergy.

Here is my EpiPen.
It's better if you hold it.

I always lose it,
and I will need it.

(sighs)
Listen, Bri, about your friend.

Stu can't come.
Your dad and I talked about it.

I've been with you two
since he got here.

How'd you "talk" about it?

-With our eyes.
-We can do that.

You're both such hypocrites.

You're always telling me
that I should try

and make more friends.

We meant normal friends.

The good kind who introduce you
to drugs and alcohol.

People your own age.

People my own age are
boring and vapid.

All they do is make penis jokes
and Rick and Morty references.

God, people his age
sound awesome.

We're just trying to have
one normal day around here.

Yeah, and-and Stu seems like
a lot of things,

but normal ain't one of them.

We're sorry, Bri.

Well, then, I'm sorry, too,
'cause if Stu can't go,

then I don't go, either.

Oh, no, no.

We make the threats
in this house, buddy.

And you are coming or else...

...I will walk in there

and taint your results.

Do not make me taint.

(chuckles)

Oh, come on, man.
Your mom just said "taint."

Laugh. Be a kid.

Go on, Mom. Might as well.

Who needs to prove
a quantum vacuum in the universe

when there's one right here
in my heart?

What are we doing about Stu?

Look, I am happy Brian

has a friend,
but we are not bringing

a random 35-year-old man
to the boardwalk.

You're supposed to meet

random 35-year-old men
at the boardwalk.

We were different
in high school.

Will you help me problem-solve?

You do what you do to think,

I do what I do to think.

Maybe we just bring him.

This way we can drink,
and he'll drive us home.

Yeah. Drive us home.

Carry us upstairs.

Take off our skin.

Okay, there is no way
that guy can carry us upstairs.

Just trying to find
the upside here.

We don't need an upside.
We need a solution.

And he gave us the solution

when he gave us the EpiPen.

Hello, my deadly,
honey-roasted friend.

Okay, we are not murdering Stu.

You know what? (clears throat)
I think I might know a way

where Stu doesn't come

and Brian doesn't hate us
for it.

-What are you doing?
-Avoiding a murder charge
for my wife.

(clears throat)
Hello, Stu? Hi.

This is Doctor, uh, Doctorman

from the Princeton
Physics Fellowship.

Excellent news.
You've been accepted.

STU:
Oh, my God, it's happening!

Uh, we need you to come down

to the campus
as soon as possible...

No time to say bye.

You have a lovely home.

I got a dream to live.

I know it's kind of weird,

but I'm actually kind of happy
for him.

(classical piano music playing)

All right, everybody.
Boardwalk ti...

What the hell's going on here?

I'm helping Marc with his Oprah.

So, what,
now you're too smart for paper?

Big ideas require a big canvas.

What if someone
had told Michelangelo

he couldn't draw on the ceiling?

That's ridiculous.

He lived in a sewer.

We're not talking
about the Ninja Turtle, are we?

We're never talking
about the Ninja Turtle.

-You should get Nicole.
-Yep.

You had to drag your poor sister
into this?

It's a privilege
for the proletariat

to service the needs
of the elite.

(sighs)
How did I give birth

to Wikipedia?

I'm a proto lariat.

MIKE:
Nicole!

Come on, we're...

"Question Six: Fluid Reasoning."

Young lady, are you taking
a test behind our backs?

Yeah, I found a site online
to take the FISC.

I know Marc's score.
Now I need to crush him.

No, you don't.

-Now turn that off.
-No!

This is the only way
for me to credibly exert

intellectual dominance
over this family.

I will not be a Salieri
in my own home.

I don't know
what any of that means!

-I'm taking this.
-Uh...

(clears throat) I was gonna
storm off with this,

but it's probably easier
if you just leave.

(Nicole scoffs)

Slam the door behind you.

Thank you.

Okay. I tried bullying,
but I don't think it worked.

Can you go talk to her
and get her to like me again?

We got bigger problems.

Stupid Princeton.

I applied
to the same fellowship as Stu,

which means he got in
and I didn't.

I'm never leaving
this house again.

Uh, I-I'm sure Princeton
just hasn't

gotten around
to calling you yet.

They're probably calling
alphabetically.

His last name is Zycam.

-Yeah, I can see that.
-If the EpiPen fits.

KAY:
Look,

Brian, here's the truth...

Y-You got into the program!
(laughs)

-What?
-Yeah.

Wait. Are you guys
just saying that

so I'll go to the boardwalk?

How come I never got a call?

Because they sent a letter.

-I want to see it.
-Of course.

Honey?

Sure.

I'll go get it.

It was, uh, Dr. Doctorman,
was it?

And in the meantime, why don't
you go and get changed and...

MARC:
Viva l'anarchia!

-I'm just gonna ignore that.
-(loud clattering)

Okay, that I can't ignore.

MIKE:
Oh, my God.

Why are you destroying
everything?

I'm teaching Leila
the concept of anarchy.

Oh-- No, no, no.

-And I'm learning!
-No-- Okay.

All right, enough anarchy.

Time to clean up. Come on.

-NICOLE: 151?
-Oh, God, what now?

I scored five points
lower than Marc?

We unplugged your computer. How
did you even finish the test?

I know how to build a computer.
I'm not an idiot.

I am so sorry, but your father
accidentally shredded the--

Oh, my God,
what is happening now?

How could you?

You've known for years I'm just
a 151 and never told me?

She took a FISC test.

Okay. Okay, relax.

That test isn't even right.

When you took the test
the first time, you got a 153.

So I'm getting stupider?

No, no, that's not
what I'm saying...

What is this?
This is not my letter.

This is lyrics
for some lame song.

Hey. "Closing Time" is not lame.

-Come here, come here. Stop...
-So you lied to me?

There's no letter? I-I don't
know what's real anymore.

Exactly.
We're all in a simulation

or something
that gets me out of this.

Just face it. We're both dumb
and it's their fault.

They're destroying our
brain cells with funnel cake.

I am not going to the boardwalk.

Me, neither. Me, either.
Me, either.

Look what you did!

-Hey, come back!
-No, it's fine.

Let them go. This whole thing
was a stupid idea anyway.

I'm just gonna go downstairs
and take a long, sad bath.

Oh, babe.

W-We don't have
a bathtub downstairs.

That's what makes it so sad.

I'm learning!

I can't believe I got outfoxed
by two boardwalking simpletons.

Hey, show some respect.

Two of you were conceived
at the boardwalk.

I am not gonna say which two.

Under the pier,
back of the tramcar.

-We're not talking to you.
-Yeah, I-I know.

We shouldn't have lied to you
about Princeton.

And, Nicole, maybe you're right.

Maybe we should've told you
your IQs a long time ago.

Honestly, I don't know.

There aren't many books written

about how to raise
three genius kids.

Well, a-actually there are.

They're just super long.

All your mom and I can do
is wing it and try our best.

We sacrifice our time,
our money,

our walls...
(sighs)

...to give you guys every chance
to make the most of your gifts.

And today, all Mom wanted
in return was four hours.

And I actually thought you guys
were mature enough to do it.

I guess not.

You know, for as smart
as you guys are,

you're just a bunch of dummies.

-(door closes)
-Is he mad?

It feels like he's mad,
but he didn't yell.

It doesn't make sense.

It's just the beach.
What's the big deal?

I guess Mom just wanted
to do something

she likes for a change,
since it's her birthday.

-What?
-It's Mom's birthday?

Uh-huh.

I-I thought it was in March.

Or October?

I didn't even know
Mom had a birthday.

She has one every year.

Stars, they're just like us.

How could we not remember this?

We're so self-obsessed
we can't even remember

our own mother's birthday.

Except for Leila.

I'm a proto lariat.

So, what do we do now?

You know, I actually thought
today was going to be fun.

Maybe we'll try again
at some point.

Think the boardwalk will
still be there in ten years?

Not if Brian's climate change
models are right.

But this might
make you feel better.

Look who I got working again.

(singing "Take Me to the River")

Oh! Holy hell!

(distorting):
* Take me to the river... *

I lost the only son
I ever understood.

LEILA:
Mommy!

Marc was standing on the chair
writing his Oprah

and then he fell
and is screaming a lot.

Can we get a new brother?

What happened to the tarp?

(piano playing)

This is opera?
It's not so bad.

(Kay gasps)

What is all this?

We know we screwed up
and missed the chance

to go to the boardwalk, so we
brought the boardwalk here.

And we ordered funnel cakes.

Luckily, I already had the
UV lights for my experiment,

so we're getting the same amount
of cancer we'd get

from being outside.

We're sorry about the way
we acted today.

-Happy birthday, Mom.
-We love you.
-Happy birthday!

(laughs):
Thank you, this is so sweet.

This is so bizarre.

Why do they think
it's my birthday?

(whispers):
Daddy told me to tell them.

It's called a scheme.

You outsmarted the smart ones.

Score one for the dummies.

Yep. I used guilt.

It's bullying from the heart.

But I did not
expect them to do all this.

Well, I love it.

I just don't know
how you're gonna top this

for my real birthday.

Oh, no, this is
your birthday now.

-Oh.
-(phone ringing)

-Who is that?
-No clue.

It's been the same number
calling for hours.

It's probably spam.
I am just gonna turn it off.

KAY:
Okay, my turn!

*

-(muted chatter)
-(phone ringing)

MIKE:
Hey, it's Mike.
Leave a message.

Hi, Dr. Doctorman,
this is Stu, again.

Um, I've been outside

the physics building
for a few hours.

It's locked, but I won't move
until I hear from you.

(thunder crashes)

Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson
are Outmatched.

See all-new episodes
Thursdays on Fox.