Original subtitles

>> THE TUMOR HAS SPREAD TO THE

SUPERCLAVICULAR LYMPH NODE.

>> GIVE ME A BALL PARK.

>> 6 MONTHS.

>> MY BEST FRIEND JUST TOLD ME

THAT HE´S...

>> DYING? I ACTUALLY HAVE TO SAY

THE WORD.

>> IT FEELS LIKE I´M LOSING

EVERYTHING.

>> I WANT YOU TO COME HOME WITH

ME, LIZZIE.

I WANT YOU TO MARRY ME.

>> I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND

AND WIFE.

>> OUR LAB TECH SWITCHED YOUR

I.D. NUMBERS. YOUR CANCER IS IN

REMISSION. I WISH YOU AND YOUR

BRIDE A LONG, HAPPY LIFE

TOGETHER.

>> ♫ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL

MAKE ME

A PERFECT SOUL

A PERFECT MIND

A PERFECT FACE

A PERFECT

LIFE ♫

>> IN 1987, AFTER THE INFAMOUS

BLACK MONDAY CRASH, A NEW

FINANCIAL GOLDEN AGE WAS BORN,

AND ALONG WITH IT, A NEW

INDUSTRY, THE LUXURY INDUSTRY.

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

NEWFOUND WEALTH COUPLED WITH

EASILY AVAILABLE CREDIT OPENED

THE DOOR TO VANITIES AND

EXCESSES ONCE RESERVED FOR THE

RICH AND FAMOUS. SINCE THAT

TIME, THE ONE LUXURY BUSINESS

THAT HAS ALWAYS SEEN ANNUAL

GROWTH HAS BEEN PLASTIC SURGERY.

DOCTORS SEAN McNAMARA AND

CHRISTIAN TROY RODE THIS WAVE OF

FINANCIAL PROFICIENCY. THEY

SUCKLED UNABASHED FROM THE TEAT

OF A FLUSH SOCIETY WILLING TO

SPEND MILLIONS ON THE NEW

MUST-HAVE STATUS

SYMBOLS--INCOMPLIANT THIGHS AND

TITANIC TITS.

>> WHEN YOU´RE DONE WITH HER

LIPO, YOU CAN START ON HER RIGHT

BREAST.

>> DO YOU REALIZE WE´RE GONNA

CLEAR A QUARTER OF A MILLION

BUCKS ON THIS PATIENT ALONE? HA

HA HA!

>> BUT AS IN EVERY FAIRY TALE,

THERE WAS A COSTLY LESSON TO BE

LEARNED. THE CREDIT CRUNCH HIT.

SEAN AND CHRISTIAN WERE NOT

IMMUNE TO THE DOWNTURN.

>> BEAUTY IS SYMMETRY, MRS.

PRALINE. WE´RE HAPPY TO DO YOUR

TUMMY TUCK, BUT YOU´RE NOT GONNA

BE BIKINI READY UNTIL YOU LET US

AUGMENT YOUR BREASTS.

>> WE PREFER TO DO MORE THAN ONE

SURGERY AT A TIME. THAT WAY YOU

ONLY GO UNDER ANESTHESIA ONCE,

AND YOUR RECOVERY TIME IS

CONSIDERABLY FASTER.

>> I TOLD YOU, I´VE ONLY GOT

ENOUGH LEFT IN MY HOME EQUITY

LINE OF CREDIT TO GET A TUMMY

TUCK.

>> AHEM.

>> FOR SEAN McNAMARA, A MAN

WOUND TIGHTER THAN A

HUMMINGBIRD´S ASSHOLE, THE

FINANCIAL STRESS WAS

OVERWHELMING.

HE BEGAN FIGHTING INCESSANTLY

WITH HIS EX-WIFE JULIA, WHO NOW

RESIDED IN NEW YORK WITH THEIR

TWO CHILDREN.

>> FRENCH LESSONS AND KARATE?

JULIA, YOU´RE OVERSCHEDULING

THEM. WELL, THEN YOU´RE GONNA

HAVE TO START PAYING FOR IT.

>> SEAN´S TROUBLES WERE FURTHER

EXACERBATED BY HIS NEW

GIRLFRIEND, TEDDY ROWE, WHO

SEEMED IMMUNE TO THE FINANCIAL

ANXIETY GRIPPING THE NATION.

>> CAN YOU IMAGINE?

>> SHE HAD GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO

HER BEAU´S LARGESSE AND WASN´T

GOING TO RESORT TO TRUMPERY

WHEN IT CAME TO CELEBRATING

THEIR 6-MONTH ANNIVERSARY.

>> I LOVE THEM.

>> AND HOW MUCH ARE THESE?

>> 125,000.

>> SEAN´S ANXIETY ATE AT HIM

LIKE VULTURES ON FRESH CARRION.

HE DEVELOPED A SEEMINGLY

INCURABLE CASE OF INSOMNIA.

[BUZZING]

FREED FROM HIS DEATH SENTENCE,

CHRISTIAN CELEBRATED BY

PROVIDING THE MERCHANTS OF RODEO

DRIVE WITH HIS OWN ECONOMIC

STIMULUS PACKAGE.

>> CONGRATS, DOCTOR. SHE´S A

BEAUTY.

>> REMEMBER, JACK, SPENDING IS

OPTIMISM.

[LAUGHTER]

>> SEAN AND CHRISTIAN WEREN´T

THE ONLY ONES STRUGGLING. JUST

HOME FROM THEIR HONEYMOON,

CHRISTIAN REVEALED TO DR. LIZ

CRUZ THAT HE WASN´T DYING OF

BREAST CANCER AND NO LONGER

WISHED TO REMAIN MARRIED.

>> I TOOK CARE OF YOUR FIRST AND

LAST AT YOUR NEW APARTMENT. THE

SECURITY DEPOSIT, TOO.

IF YOU WANT, WE CAN GO FURNITURE

SHOPPING ON THE WEEKEND.

>> JUST LET ME DO THIS ALONE,

OK?

>> COME ON, LIZ. WE´RE STILL

FRIENDS.

>> WE´RE NOT FRIENDS. I´M YOUR

WIFE.

WHY DIDN´T YOU TELL ME YOU

WEREN´T DYING WHEN WE WERE AWAY?

WHY DID YOU GO LET ME MAKE A

FOOL OF MYSELF?

>> I JUST WANTED YOU TO HAVE A

GOOD TIME. I´M JUST TRYING TO BE

PRACTICAL. WE´D BE A PERFECT

MATCH FOR 6 MONTHS, BUT 60

YEARS? I MEAN, I´D BE CHEATING

ON YOU WITHIN A WEEK.

I JUST DON´T WANT TO HURT YOU

ANY MORE THAN I ALREADY HAVE.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

THANK YOU FOR BREAKING MY HEART?

>> NO. I JUST WANT YOU TO

UNDERSTAND THAT THIS ISN´T EASY

FOR ME, EITHER. I LOVE YOU, AND

I´LL NEVER FORGET HOW YOU TOOK

CARE OF ME.

>> AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME,

HUH?

[DOOR SLAMS]

>> FORMER PORN MILLIONAIRE

KIMBER HENRY FOUND HERSELF

TOSSED OUT OF RAM PETER´S

SILK-SHEETED BED WITH NOTHING

BUT THE REALIZATION THAT THERE´S

NOTHING LESS MARKETABLE THAN AN

OLD WHORE. ONCE AGAIN, SHE TRIED

TO REINVENT HERSELF.

>> SO YOU DO ELECTROLYSIS NOW?

>> WELL, I WENT TO NIGHT SCHOOL

TO GET CERTIFIED.

WELL, HEAR ME OUT. JUST SAY SOME

LADY SASQUATCH COMES IN FOR SOME

LIPO, OK? YOU SMOOTH HER OUT,

YOU MAKE HER THIGHS LIKE

PORCELAIN, BUT...

SHE´S GOT SOME HAIRS BACK THERE,

AND THAT´S NO GOOD. THAT´S WHERE

I COME IN.

[BUZZING]

OK. LOOK AT THIS. IT DOESN´T

EVEN HURT. AND I FIGURE THIS IS

A GREAT WAY FOR YOU TO PROMOTE

YOUR BUSINESS. YOU´RE GONNA HAVE

AN ON-SITE ESTHETICIAN, AND I

KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO BE

CAMERA-READY.

>> KIMBER, IT´S A GREAT IDEA,

BUT BUSINESS IS TOO SLOW RIGHT

NOW TO TAKE ON ANY NEW EXPENSES.

WE CAN´T AFFORD YOU.

>> THIS WAS ROCK BOTTOM.

McNAMARA/TROY, ONCE THE

TIFFANY´S OF THE PLASTIC SURGERY

WORLD, WAS NOW LIKE A MALODOROUS

WHALE CARCASS WASHED UP ON ZUMA

BEACH. THE CLIENTS WERE GONE.

WITH THEM WENT THE MONEY, AND

WITH THAT WENT THE JOY.

>> [SIGH] AHEM.

WHAT IS THIS?

>> IT´S GENERIC. WE NEED TO CUT

BACK EVERYWHERE.

>> THAT´S BULLSHIT.

>> CHRISTIAN, YOU´RE NOT GETTING

IT. WE ARE IN TROUBLE.

>> I WANT MY GODDAMN YOPLAIT!

>> I JUST FINISHED PAYING

OFF LAST SEMESTER´S TUITION, FOR

WHICH YOU RECEIVED NO CREDITS

BECAUSE YOU NEVER TOOK YOUR

FINALS, OK? I HAVE HERE YOUR CAR

REGISTRATION RENEWAL. YOU HAVE

9 UNPAID PARKING TICKETS, AND

THE CREDIT CARD I GAVE YOU FOR

EMERGENCIES HAS SEVERAL LUXURY

CHARGES ON IT.

>> WELL, I CAN EXPLAIN THOSE

CHARGES.

>> MATT, LISTEN TO ME. YOU NEED

TO PAY BACK SOME OF THOSE DEBTS.

IT´S RIDICULOUS. YOU GOT $450

FOR SOME MEN´S STORE CALLED

EMMANUEL DELACROIX.

>> IT´S NOT A MEN´S STORE.

EMMANUEL DELACROIX IS THE

NUMBER-ONE MIME IN THE WORLD,

AND HE´S HERE DOING A

ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME MASTER CLASS.

>> WHAT?

>> YEAH. MY ACTING TEACHER

TURNED ME ON TO HIM. LOOK, YOU

KNOW HOW THEY SAY WHEN YOU FIND

YOUR BLISS IS WHEN THE MONEY

STARTS ROLLING IN? I THINK I´VE

FOUND IT. MIME IS SO AMAZING,

MAN. IT TAKES US BEYOND OUR

PETTY EGOS, BEYOND LANGUAGE, AND

UNIFIES US.

IT´S A GREAT ART FORM, OK? THE

PURE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE OF

GESTURE.

>> IS THIS A JOKE?

>> LISTEN, BOXCAR WILLIE. WE CAN

RENT YOUR ROOM, OK? SO YOU

EITHER KICK IN, OR YOU´RE OUT BY

THE 1st, OK? SO GET OFF YOUR

UNICYCLE OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT

IS THAT MIMES DRIVE THESE DAYS

AND GET A GODDAMN REAL JOB.

>> YOU KNOW, IT´S A WASTE OF

TIME TRYING TO SHARE ANYTHING

WITH YOU TWO.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[TELEPHONE BUZZES]

>> HELLO.

MM-HMM.

REALLY?

MM-HMM.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> WHAT WAS THAT?

>> THAT´S LIZ´S ATTORNEY. SHE´S

SUING ME FOR DIVORCE.

[WAVES CRASHING]

>> I JUST NEVER EXPECTED THIS

FROM HER. SHE´S NOT GREEDY, YOU

KNOW? POSSESSIVE, MAYBE.

STUBBORN, SLOPPY.

>> CHRISTIAN, REMEMBER, THE

TRICK IS NOT TO GET EMOTIONAL.

IT´S OUR JOB TO MAKE A RATIONAL

APPEAL TO HER BETTER NATURE,

AND--HOLY SHIT!

>> HOLY SHIT WHAT?

>> SHE HIRED ROGER PAYNE. WITH A

"Y," BUT THE MEANING IS THE

SAME.

>> HOW BAD COULD IT BE? THE

GUY´S BLIND.

>> SO IS JUSTICE.

>> LOOK, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I

MEAN, COME ON, LIZ. WE CAN LET

THE LAWYERS ARGUE ABOUT THIS,

OR WE CAN SETTLE THIS AS

FRIENDS. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU. I--I

THINK THAT YOU SHOULD BE

COMPENSATED FOR EVERYTHING THAT

I PUT YOU THROUGH.

HERE. I HOPE THIS IS ENOUGH.

>> [WHISPERING]

>> HMM. $250,000. SHOULD COVER

YOUR LEGAL FEES, MRS. TROY.

>> MRS. TROY? WE WERE MARRIED 5

MINUTES.

>> YES, WELL, IN THE COURSE OF

THOSE 5 MINUTES, MRS. TROY GAVE

UP HER RESIDENCE AND HALF OF HER

INCOME.

>> I THOUGHT I WAS DYING.

>> IS THAT WHY YOU PUT

EVERYTHING IN HER NAME?

>> YOU WHAT?

>> I WAS TAKING CARE OF WILBUR,

YOU KNOW? I WAS TRYING TO BE

RESPONSIBLE.

>> WELL, I´M SURE YOU WANT TO

CONTINUE TO BE RESPONSIBLE BY

SETTLING WITH MRS. TROY 50% OF

ALL PERSONAL PROPERTY AND HALF

OF YOUR INTEREST IN

McNAMARA/TROY.

>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

SMOKING? SHE CAN´T DO THAT. CAN

SHE DO THAT?

>> IS IT IN HER NAME?

>> OH. I GET IT. THIS

ISN´T A NEGOTIATION; THIS IS A

GANG RAPE.

>> WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA.

>> JESUS, LIZ, I CAN´T BELIEVE

YOU´D STOOP THIS LOW. YOU´RE

FIRED.

>> AH. AFRAID NOT, DR. TROY. YOU

CAN´T FIRE HER UNTIL THE CASE IS

SETTLED. IT´S THE LAW.

>> COME ON, LIZZIE. SAY

SOMETHING.

>> YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A

PRENUP.

>> IT´S CHEAPER NOT TO FIGHT. I

JUST THINK YOU´RE IN DENIAL IF

YOU ASSUME IT´S NOT GONNA COST

YOU.

>> THERE´S NOTHING WRONG WITH

BEING IN DENIAL, MY FRIEND. OUR

WHOLE CAREERS WERE BUILT ON IT.

AND LET´S JUST FORGET ABOUT

THAT CRAP, OK? WE JUST GOT TO

RELAX, DRINK SOME BEER, AND

ENJOY THE WATER FOR THE DAY, ALL

RIGHT?

>> UH, WHAT´S ALL THIS?

>> WHAT?

THEY SEIZED MY BOAT.

>> YOU´RE KIDDING. WHAT FOR?

>> YOU KNOW, I MISSED A FEW

PAYMENTS HERE AND THERE, BUT--

JESUS. THEY´RE SAYING THEY´LL

AUCTION IT OFF IF I DON´T PAY

THE BALANCE BY THE END OF THE

MONTH. I MEAN--

>> YOU BETTER SELL IT.

>> I CAN´T SELL IT. THIS IS THE

ONLY THING THAT ISN´T IN LIZ´S

NAME. I MEAN, JESUS! I MIGHT

HAVE TO LIVE HERE IF SHE GETS

THE HOUSE.

I´LL JUST TAKE SOME MONEY OUT OF

THE BUSINESS, YOU KNOW? JUST TO

COVER ME FOR NOW.

>> IF YOU BORROW MORE, YOU LOSE

YOUR CREDIT RATING, AND THEN

YOU´RE REALLY WORTH NOTHING.

>> THEN I´LL GET SOME MONEY FROM

YOU, ALL RIGHT? JUST FRONT ME 6

MONTHS FOR THE RENT ON THE

MALIBU HOUSE.

>> UH, YOU KNOW, NOW MIGHT BE A

GOOD TIME TO GIVE YOU NOTICE.

I´M MOVING OUT. THINGS HAVE BEEN

GOOD WITH TEDDY, AND WE´RE

TALKING ABOUT GETTING A PLACE.

>> WHAT?

>> CHRISTIAN?

>> DR. MIKE HAMOUI WAS THE MIAMI

PLASTIC SURGEON THAT CHRISTIAN

HAD NOT SEEN SINCE THEIR

HOMOEROTIC SHOWER ENCOUNTER TWO

YEARS AGO.

>> HEY, I HEARD YOU GUYS WERE

OUT HERE NOW, TOO!

>> MIKE, REMEMBER MY PARTNER

SEAN McNAMARA?

>> YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE I

REMEMBER.

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST GOING TO

TAKE THE "REVERIE" OUT FOR A

SPIN. YOU GUYS WANT TO JOIN ME?

>> [CHUCKLES]

>> ♫ THIS IS WHY I´M HOT

THIS IS WHY I´M HOT

THIS IS WHY, THIS IS WHY

THIS IS WHY I´M HOT

I´M HOT ´CAUSE I´M FLY

YOU AIN´T ´CAUSE YOU NOT

THIS IS WHY, THIS IS WHY

THIS IS WHY I´M HOT

I´M HOT ´CAUSE I´M FLY

YOU AIN´T ´CAUSE YOU NOT

THIS IS WHY, THIS IS WHY

THIS IS WHY I´M HOT

THIS IS WHY I´M HOT ♫

>> HEY, NICE BOAT.

>> THANKS.

YOU GUYS WANT TO GET SOME GRUB?

>> YEAH, SURE.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH, I CAN GO ABOUT 2,000

MILES WITHOUT HAVING TO STOP IN

THIS BAD BOY RIGHT HERE. MOST

BOATS, YOU KNOW, GO AS FAR AS,

LIKE, CABO. WE WENT TO ACAPULCO

LAST YEAR WITH THE GIRLS. IT WAS

A GREAT TRIP.

>> HOW MANY FEET IS IT?

>> ABOUT 102.

>> YEAH, I WAS THINKING ABOUT

GETTING ONE THIS BIG, BUT, UH,

THEY´RE A BITCH TO PARK.

>> TRUE, THAT. GIVES THE GIRLS,

THOUGH, PLENTY OF ROOM TO SPREAD

OUT. SIENNA, HONEY, YOU´RE

FRYING YOURSELF AGAIN. GO PUT ON

THE SUNSCREEN THAT I GAVE YOU,

HUH? THANK YOU.

>> SO, MIKE, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN

PRACTICE OUT HERE NOW?

>> YEAH! AFTER I SOLD

CHRISTIAN´S CONDO AND MADE A

HUGE PROFIT, I DECIDED TO TRAVEL

AROUND, BECOME A POD SURGEON. I

WORK FOR MYSELF NOW, DO

SURGERIES. JUST DON´T KEEP AN

OFFICE. MAN, DO I LOVE L.A.

>> I DON´T GET IT. A POD

SURGEON?

>> YEAH. I FIND A PRACTICE AND I

PAY 10% OF MY PROFITS TO USE

THEIR SURGERY SUITES. THERE´S NO

STRINGS ATTACHED, I HAVE NO

OVERHEAD. IT´S A WIN/WIN FOR

EVERYONE. THANK YOU, HONEY.

>> ONLY SECONDS PASSED BEFORE

SEAN AND CHRISTIAN PROPOSED A

SIMILAR DEAL TO MIKE. BRINGING

HIM INTO THEIR BUSINESS AS A POD

SURGEON WOULD HELP ENSURE BOTH

THEIR FINANCIAL FUTURES.

>> I THINK IT´S REALLY...

>> MIKE WAS HAPPY TO ACCEPT.

>> ♫ THIS IS WHY I´M HOT

THIS IS WHY I´M HOT

THIS IS WHY, THIS IS WHY

THIS IS WHY I´M HOT ♫

>> I KNOW. EVERY YEAR THERE´S A

NEW HIGH-TECH TREND IN EXERCISE,

BUT NOTHING CAN COMPARE TO THE

KETTLE BELLS. THEY ORIGINATED IN

RUSSIA IN 1704. OBVIOUSLY THE

KETTLE BELLS ARE NOT A TREND.

THE BEAUTY OF THE KETTLE BELL IS

THAT IT´S A COMBINATION OF

STRENGTH AND CARDIAC...

>> ♫ IF YOU´RE BLUE

AND YOU DON´T KNOW

WHERE TO GO TO

WHY DON´T YOU GO

WHERE FASHION SITS?

PUTTIN´ ON THE RITZ

>> UM, WE´RE SHORT A SMALL REEF

RETRACTOR.

>> I GAVE MINE BACK TO LINDA.

WHERE´S YOURS?

>> I GAVE IT TO LINDA.

>> ♫ COME LET´S MIX

WHERE ROCKEFELLERS WALK WITH

STICKS OR

UMBRELLAS IN THEIR MITTS... ♫

>> YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE

HELL THIS IS?

>> A, UH, SMALL REEF RETRACTOR.

>> OH, NICE, SEAN.

>> OH, GOD. I´M SORRY. I HAVEN´T

BEEN SLEEPING WELL.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? I´M UNDER A

LOT OF STRESS, TOO, RIGHT? BUT

YOU DON´T SEE ME OPENING US UP

TO A MALPRACTICE SUIT THAT COULD

BURY US.

>> HEY.

WHAT´S GOING ON WITH YOU? DON´T

SAY NOTHING. METICULOUS SEAN

McNAMARA DOES NOT SCREW UP A

TUMMY TUCK.

>> I HAVEN´T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP.

I´M THINKING ABOUT MY KIDS A

LOT. IT´S CONOR´S BIRTHDAY. HE´S

THERE, I´M HERE, AND IT SUCKS,

BUT I DON´T WANT TO BURDEN YOU

WITH ALL THIS.

>> HEY, NOTHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE

IS A BURDEN TO ME, ALL RIGHT? I

LOVE YOU. OH...

YOUR SLEEPING PILLS. I´M

SURPRISED YOU HAVE NOT WRITTEN A

SCRIP FOR YOURSELF.

>> I DON´T WANT TO DO THAT.

PILLS SCARE ME. I DON´T EVEN

TAKE ADVIL, ESPECIALLY AFTER I

WAS RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL A FEW

YEARS AGO. ECSTASY. YEAH. I KNEW

YOU´D LIKE THAT.

>> YOU KNOW, THERE´S A BEAUTIFUL

RESORT. IT´S BEEN RENOVATED.

IT´S UP IN OJAI. WE COULD GO

AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND. IT´S ONLY

AN HOUR AWAY.

>> WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GIRL WHO

DIDN´T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ALL

THESE CONVENTIONAL BOURGEOIS

TRAPPINGS, HUH? NOW IT´S ALL

ABOUT WEEKENDS AWAY, HIS AND HER

MASSAGES.

>> HEY, I´M JUST TRYING TO FIND

A WAY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

IF YOU´RE NOT INTERESTED IN

THAT, JUST FORGET I SAID

ANYTHING.

>> ANYTHING. I´LL TAKE ANYTHING.

I JUST HAVE TO GET IN THIS WEEK.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

>> I´M SORRY, BUT DR. HAMOUI IS

BOOKED SOLID FOR THE NEXT TWO

WEEKS. HIS NEXT AVAILABLE

APPOINTMENT IS ON THE 15th.

>> MIKE, WHERE´S THE COUCH?

>> DON´T WORRY, FELLAS. IT´S ALL

SAFELY IN STORAGE, AND THIS

STUFF WON´T COST YOU A PENNY.

FEEL FREE TO USE IT AS MUCH AS

YOU LIKE. I FIGURED YOU WOULDN´T

GRAB THAT DOUGHNUT WITH THESE

MACHINES STARING AT YOU.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? WE DON´T NEED

ANYBODY TELLING US HOW TO TAKE

CARE OF OURSELVES. THAT´S NOT

WHY WE BROUGHT YOU IN HERE.

>> I´M SORRY. I´LL HAVE THE

EQUIPMENT GONE BY THE END OF THE

DAY.

>> NO, THE EQUIPMENT CAN STAY,

MIKE. WHAT WE WANT TO TALK ABOUT

IS THE 20 PATIENTS OUT IN THE

LOBBY.

>> THAT WAS FAST, RIGHT?

>> WHAT DID YOU DO?

>> IT´S ALL ABOUT CREATING A

NICHE MARKET AND THEN SELLING

YOURSELF. BUSINESS 101, FELLAS.

>> DO YOU MIND IF WE SIT IN ON

ONE OF YOUR CONSULTS?

>> YEAH.

>> WILL THEY BE ASSISTING IN THE

SURGERY?

>> ABSOLUTELY NOT. THEY´RE

EXCELLENT SURGEONS, BUT I´M THE

ONLY DOCTOR WHO LAYS A HAND ON

ANY OF MY PATIENTS. THEY´RE JUST

HERE TO CONSULT.

>> GOOD. MY FRIEND LINDSEY

THOMPSON--SHE SAID YOU´RE THE

BEST. SHE SAID HER VAGINAL

REJUVENATION SAVED HER MARRIAGE.

>> I REMEMBER LINDSEY. HOW MANY

KIDS DO YOU HAVE?

>> 3, ALL BOYS. MY YOUNGEST,

DEREK--HE WAS A VERY HARD BIRTH.

I NEEDED TWO EPISIOTOMIES, AND,

WELL, THINGS HAVEN´T BEEN THE

SAME DOWN THERE SINCE.

>> THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF WOMEN

JUST LIKE YOU OUT THERE. IT´S

EXACTLY WHY I´VE STREAMLINED MY

PRACTICE. ONE PROCEDURE DONE

RIGHT--VAGINAL RECONSTRUCTION.

>> IT´S BRILLIANT. DO YOU

REALIZE, MOST VAGINAL

RECONSTRUCTIONS TAKE LESS THAN

20 MINUTES TO PERFORM?

>> AND THEY COST 15 GRAND A POP.

NO WONDER HE´S RAKING IT IN.

>> WE CAN DO THIS, CHRISTIAN.

WE´RE BETTER SURGEONS THAN HE

IS.

>> HOW OFTEN DO YOU AND YOUR

HUSBAND HAVE SEX, MRS. BRETT?

I UNDERSTAND, BUT YOU DON´T HAVE

TO BE ASHAMED.

I KNOW THIS IS UNORTHODOX, BUT I

WANT YOU TO FEEL COMFORTABLE

WITH ME. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE,

AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU.

>> LINDSEY SAID YOU MIGHT DO

THIS.

>> HE´S SELLING SEX. WE CAN DO

THAT.

>> DAMN STRAIGHT. I WAS IN

"PLAYGIRL."

>> OH, IT ALL SOUNDS SO GOOD,

BUT OUR INSURANCE WON´T COVER

THE PROCEDURE.

>> YOU THINK YOU DON´T DESERVE

THIS. I´M SORRY, BUT I GOT TO

CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT ONE.

YOU JUST NEED TO FIND A WAY TO

RECLAIM YOUR SEXUALITY.

IS THERE A BETTER WAY THAN TO

MAKE THE TOOL WITH WHICH YOU

EXPRESS THAT SEXUALITY LOOK AND

FEEL THE WAY IT DID WHEN YOU

WERE IN YOUR 20s? I WANT YOU TO

KNOW, THIS ISN´T JUST ANOTHER

SURGERY TO ME, AND I´M NOT SOME

HIGH-SCHOOL KID WHO THINKS THAT

EVERY VAGINA IS THE SAME.

YOURS IS DIFFERENT.

IT´S...SPECIAL, AND I´M GONNA

GET TO KNOW IT INSIDE AND OUT.

>> WHEN´S YOU NEXT APPOINTMENT?

>> WE CAN´T JUST START STEALING

HAMOUI´S CLIENTS. WE NEED HIS

10% TO KEEP THE ELECTRICITY ON.

>> SO, WE´LL COME TO HIM WITH A

PLAN, INCLUDE HIM IN ON IT.

WELL, WE´RE THE EXPERTS. HE´LL

LOOK LIKE A NOVICE NEXT TO US.

I´M TELLING YOU, THERE ARE

HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF WOMEN

WHO NEED THIS.

>> THAT´S A LOT OF UNTAPPED

VAGINA. HOW YOU PLANNING ON

REACHING THEM, CRAZY SEAN´S

CROSS-COUNTRY GYNO TOUR?

>> NO. BETTER. WE NEED TO CALL

KIMBER FIRST.

CHRISTIAN, WAKE UP. HEY, HEY,

WAKE UP.

>> JESUS, IT´S 2:00 IN THE

MORNING. JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN´T

SLEEP, DOESN´T MEAN I SHOULDN´T.

>> IT´S ON RIGHT NOW. COME ON.

GET UP.

>> LOS ANGELES--LAND OF THE

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, WHERE DREAMS

ALWAYS COME TRUE AND FANTASY IS

REALITY, WHERE YOU´RE AS YOUNG

AS YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS

INSIDE OF YOU.

>> AGH!

>> HA HA! YES! WHOO! HI.

I´M DR. McNAMARA OF

McNAMARA/TROY PLASTIC SURGERY.

THESE DAYS, THERE ARE SO MANY

OPTIONS FOR MALE SEXUAL

GRATIFICATION, BUT FEWER CHOICES

FOR OUR FAIRER SEX. I´D LIKE TO

TELL YOU ABOUT A NEW TECHNIQUE

WE´VE DEVELOPED CALLED THE

VAGINAL UPLIFT.

[SMACK]

>> HEH HEH HEH! ACCORDING TO

MASTERS AND JOHNSON, SEXUAL

SATISFACTION IS DUE TO THE

AMOUNT OF FRICTIONAL FORCES

GENERATED DURING INTERCOURSE.

>> MWAH, SWEETIE. THIS SIMPLE

OUTPATIENT PROCEDURE RESTORES

THE ARCHITECTURAL INTEGRITY OF

THE VAGINA.

>> IT TAKES UNDER AN HOUR, AND

IN JUST DAYS, BOTH YOU AND YOUR

PARTNER WILL BE ENJOYING A WHOLE

NEW LEVEL OF SEXUAL

SATISFACTION.

>> HI. I´M KIMBER HENRY,

ACTRESS. SOME OF YOU MAY

REMEMBER ME FROM MY WORK AS AN

ADULT FILM STAR. AFTER I

RETIRED, I GAVE BIRTH TO MY BABY

GIRL. I WAS HAVING TROUBLE

REACHING ORGASM. THAT´S WHEN I

DECIDED TO GO SEE THE DOCTORS AT

McNAMARA/TROY.

>> TELL US WHAT YOU DON´T LIKE

ABOUT YOUR VAGINA.

>> THEY WERE RESPECTFUL,

RELAXED, AND INFORMATIVE.

THEY ASKED ME TO TELL THEM

EXACTLY WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR

AND HOW I WANTED TO LOOK AND

FEEL. MM, AND THE EXAM WAS

GENTLE AND DISCREET.

>> IF YOU CALL AND BOOK YOUR

CONSULT IN THE NEXT HALF-HOUR,

WE ARE OFFERING A 6-INSTALLMENT

FEE, PAYABLE OVER THE NEXT YEAR.

>> BUT DON´T TAKE IT FROM US.

LISTEN TO SOME OF OUR SATISFIED

CUSTOMERS.

>> I FELT A LOT OF SHAME WHEN MY

SIGNIFICANT OTHER TOLD ME THAT

MY VAGINA REMINDED HIM OF A

ROAST BEEF SANDWICH, BUT SINCE

MY VAGINAL UPLIFT, I FEEL MORE

ATTRACTIVE AND MORE CONFIDENT,

AND THE BONUS IS NO PESKY

INCONTINENCE WHEN I SWING THAT

GOLF CLUB. I FEEL LIKE A

20-YEAR-OLD ON THE GREEN AGAIN.

>> YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.

>> YES!

>> YEAH. THAT´S THE WAY TO GO.

HA HA! RIGHT?

>> YES!

>> IT´S A WINNER. WELL DONE.

>> OK. DID YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH?

DID YOU GET ALL THAT NASTY

COTTON CANDY OUT OF YOUR MOUTH,

HUH?

>> LET´S SEE. OH, MY GOODNESS,

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN CLEANER TEETH

IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?

>> NO. NIGHTY-NIGHT, SWEETIE.

>> CAN WE GO TO THE ZOO NEXT

WEEK?

>> OF COURSE YOU CAN. AUNT

LIZZIE IS YOUR BUDDY, RIGHT?

>> RIGHT.

>> RIGHT.

>> I LOVE YOU, AUNTIE LIZ.

>> I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART.

>> OK. YOU GO TO SLEEP. MM!

LOVE YOU. RR!

YOU SURE YOU HAVE TO LEAVE SO

SOON? I MADE YOUR

FAVORITE--MUSHROOM RISOTTO.

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD--

>> I LIED ABOUT LIKING YOUR

RISOTTO. IT TASTES LIKE GRUEL.

>> OH, WELL, MAYBE YOU COULD

STAY FOR A DRINK.

>> OH!

>> OH, COME ON, LIZZIE. IT´S US.

>> DON´T YOU DARE USE THAT WORD.

>> WHY? THERE´S ALWAYS GONNA BE

AN US. IF THERE´S ONE THING I´VE

LEARNED ABOUT LIFE, IT´S THAT

IT´S FRAGILE. RELATIONSHIPS LIKE

OURS ARE RARE, WEIRD BUT RARE.

I DON´T WANT TO LOSE YOU.

NEITHER DOES WILBUR. COME ON.

LET´S TAKE THE BOXING GLOVES OFF

JUST FOR A MINUTE FOR HIS SAKE.

I GOT A 1995 CHATEAU MANDEVILLE.

>> IS IT EXPENSIVE?

>> THIS IS A $400 BOTTLE OF

WINE, SWEET THING.

>> WELL, THEN I´LL TAKE HALF OF

IT.

>> OH. THAT´S WHAT I´VE ALWAYS

LOVED ABOUT YOU.

>> IS IT? IS THAT WHAT YOU LOVED

ABOUT ME, MY SENSE OF HUMOR?

BECAUSE IT´S BEEN A LONG TIME

SINCE I LAUGHED ABOUT

ANYTHING. YOU´VE PRETTY MUCH

WRUNG ALL THE JOY OUT OF ME.

>> TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO TO MAKE

IT UP TO YOU.

>> YOU´RE GONNA MAKE IT UP TO

ME, ALL RIGHT. THAT´S WHY I

HIRED ROGER.

>> I´M NOT TALKING ABOUT MONEY.

THAT LAWYER YOU HIRED, HE´S

SCUM. YOU REALLY THINK THAT

CLEANING ME OUT IS GONNA MAKE

YOU FEEL ANY BETTER?

>> YES. I DO, AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE YOU CAN´T KEEP TREATING

PEOPLE LIKE TOILET PAPER.

YOU CAN´T KEEP WIPING YOUR ASS

WITH THEM AND FLUSHING THEM LIKE

THEY´RE DISPOSABLE. I USED TO

HAVE SUCH SCORN FOR THOSE WOMEN

WHO FELL ALL OVER YOU. I THOUGHT

THEY WERE ALL EMPTY-HEADED

BIMBOS, THE WAY THEY´D CRY OVER

YOU, BUT, YOU KNOW, I SEE THEM

DIFFERENTLY NOW BECAUSE I BECAME

ONE OF THEM, AND I AM GONNA

STAND UP ON BEHALF OF ALL OF US

BECAUSE I AM NOT GONNA LET IT BE

SO EASY FOR YOU. I AM NOT GONNA

ALLOW YOU TO BREAK MY HEART AND

THEN NOT SUFFER THE

CONSEQUENCES.

>> OH, STOP BEING SUCH A DRAMA

QUEEN. I MEAN, SERIOUS, YOUR

HEART IS GONNA BE FINE. YOUR

DANCE CARD IS GONNA BE TWICE AS

FULL NOW YOU´VE DISCOVERED THE

JOYS OF DICK. I MEAN, LET´S FACE

IT.

>> FACE WHAT?

>> FACE THE FACT THAT YOURS

TRULY HERE, OK, I FOUND YOUR

G-SPOT.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING

WITH IT?

>> I´M WASTING YOUR MONEY,

CHRISTIAN. AND TO THINK I WAS

SUCH AN IDIOT THAT I FELT BAD

COMING OVER HERE, WRINGING YOU

DRY.

>> LIZZIE, COME ON. JUST CALM

DOWN.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT´LL CALM ME

DOWN? A BOAT, YOURS.

>> DON´T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT

IT.

>> OH, YOU CAN KISS THAT

GOOD-BYE, AND WHEN YOU´RE

SITTING HERE AND YOU´RE CUTTING

OUT YOUR LITTLE COUPONS, I WANT

YOU TO THINK OF ME PARTYING ON

MY HOT, FLOATING DYKE BAR--

THE LESBOAT.

[SLAM]

>> ONCE WE SAW YOUR INFOMERCIAL

ON TV, WE HAD TO COME IN.

>> YEAH. MRS. HOBERMAN, TELL ME

WHAT YOU DON´T LIKE ABOUT YOUR

VAGINA.

>> HER VAGINA IS FINE.

>> IT´S BETTER THAN THAT. WE´RE

HERE FOR DON.

>> YEAH. I WANT ONE OF THOSE

6-PACK SURGERIES.

>> WELL, THE SURGICAL TERM IS

ABDOMINAL ETCHING, BUT--

>> OUR INFOMERCIAL WAS ABOUT

VAGINAL REJUVENATION.

>> NO. I KNOW, BUT YOU KNOW THE

SCENE WHERE YOU´RE PLAYING

VOLLEYBALL WITH THE OTHER GUY,

DR. HAMOUI? YEAH. WELL, SEEING

YOU TWO WITH YOUR SHIRTS OFF

NEXT TO HIM MADE ME REALIZE HOW

MUCH I LET MYSELF GO.

[ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC SPEEDS UP]

[MUSIC STOPS]

>> HA HA! THAT WAS FUNNY.

HA HA HA!

>> HEY, MOVE. GET OUT OF THE

WAY. UGH!

>> OH! JEEZ! HEY, WATCH IT.

>> WHAT?

>> I´M CHANGING LOCKS BY

TOMORROW, RIGHT? YOU EITHER PAY

YOUR SHARE OF THE RENT BY

SUNDOWN, OR YOU CAN SLEEP ON THE

BEACH WITH ALL THE OTHER FREAKS.

IT´S $1.08.

[BEEPING]

NO MONEY, NO COFFEE. THIS AIN´T

A CHARITY. YOU CAN´T PAY, GO

SOMEPLACE ELSE. LEAVE BEFORE I

CALL A COP. LET GO, YOU FREAK.

[GASPS]

NOW YOU´RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT.

[BEEP]

GREAT. OH...

[GASPS]

[BEEPING]

OK, OK. YOU CAN HAVE YOUR DOLLAR

BACK, OK? OK, OK.

OK. HERE.

[GASPS]

[DING]

>> DR. TROY, YOU DO REALIZE THAT

YOUR BEING HERE PLACES ME IN

VIOLATION OF THE LEGAL CODE OF

PROFESSIONAL RESPONSIBILITY.

>> YOU RECOGNIZE MY COLOGNE.

JUST GIVE ME 5 MINUTES OF YOUR

TIME, AND IF YOU DON´T LIKE MY

PROPOSITION, YOU NEVER SAW ME.

>> OHH...ALL RIGHT.

YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES.

>> I´LL GIVE YOU 250 GRAND NOW

AND ANOTHER 250 IF YOU CONVINCE

LIZ CRUZ TO DROP THE CASE.

>> DR. TROY, THIS IS A BREACH OF

ETHICS. IT IS AGAINST EVERYTHING

THAT I STAND FOR. BESIDES, IT

WOULD TAKE MORE THAN A TAWDRY

BRIBE TO GET ME TO JEOPARDIZE A

LIFETIME OF LEGAL PRACTICE.

>> HOW MUCH, THEN?

>> TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> MY SECRETARY TELLS ME YOU´RE

AN ADONIS. I´D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT

AN ADONIS SOUNDS LIKE WHEN HE

JERKS OFF.

>> I´M SORRY. WHAT?

>> MASTURBATE. PLEASURE YOURSELF

IN FRONT OF ME, DESCRIBING TO ME

EXACTLY WHAT YOU´RE DOING STROKE

BY STROKE. ONCE YOU BRING

YOURSELF TO CLIMAX, I WILL

ACCEPT YOUR OFFER, AND I WILL

CONVINCE MRS. TROY THAT WE

CANNOT WIN THE CASE.

>> GEE, WHAT ABOUT YOUR ETHICS

CODE?

>> I DON´T THINK THAT THIS IS

COVERED IN THE ABA HANDBOOK.

BESIDES, I CAN ALWAYS CLAIM THAT

I NEVER SAW YOU.

>> SO, YOU´RE A PERVERT.

>> DR. TROY, YOUR PROPOSITION

REQUIRES THAT I COMPROMISE

MYSELF ON YOUR BEHALF.

THIS IS SIMPLY QUID PRO QUO.

YOUR 5 MINUTES ARE UP.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. NO, NO.

WAIT. JUST, UH--OK.

AHEM...

[ZIP]

OH...THERE. PANTS ARE OFF.

>> LAIR.

>> HMM?

>> DON´T WORRY. NO ONE CAN SEE

THROUGH THE WINDOWS.

>> WHATEVER.

[ZIP]

AHH...

>> THAT´S BETTER. TOUCH YOUR

DICK, DR. TROY, AND DESCRIBE IT

TO ME.

>> FEELS GREAT. IT´S VERY HARD.

>> WE´RE NOT IN A COURTROOM NOW,

DR. TROY. I WANT MORE THAN JUST

THE FACTS. PAINT ME A PICTURE,

HOW YOUR HAND FEELS AS YOU TOUCH

IT. TAKE OFF YOUR BRIEFS.

LET YOURSELF BREATHE.

>> THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I´LL SEE YOU IN COURT.

>> GOOD LUCK. YOU KNOW, I DID

LOSE A CASE ONCE...

>> YEAH.

>> BUT UNLIKE YOU, I WASN´T ABLE

TO MAKE HIM TAKE HIS PANTS OFF.

THAT´S WHEN I KNEW HE HAD ME.

[CHUCKLES]

[SLAM]

[GURGLING]

>> LET´S LOOK AT THE BRIGHT

SIDE, PARTNER. AT LEAST MR.

HOBERMAN´S 6-PACK WILL BRING IN

SOME INCOME.

>> AND MAYBE CHRISTIAN CAN TAKE

HIS SHARE AND GET A GYM

MEMBERSHIP. YOU GOT TO DO

SOMETHING ABOUT THAT GUT THERE,

TUBBY.

>> LIZ, THAT´S ENOUGH.

>> I KNOW, AND ISN´T IT GREAT?

BECAUSE I CAN SAY WHATEVER I

WANT TO, AND HE CAN´T FIRE ME.

>> YOU KNOW, SEAN, I´M THINKING

WE´RE DONE WITH HOBERMAN HERE.

WE SHOULD TURN OUR FAT-SUCKING

WAND ONTO LIZ´S HUGE ASS.

>> ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH! HAS IT

OCCURRED TO EITHER OF YOU THE

EFFECT YOU´RE HAVING ON

SWITZERLAND HERE? I STAY UP LATE

NIGHTS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A

WAY TO HELP YOU TWO MAKE AMENDS.

DEAL WITH YOUR HURT FEELINGS AND

GROW UP. I´M SICK OF THIS SHIT.

>> OK. I AM SO SORRY, SEAN, BUT

FROM A MEDICAL VIEWPOINT, THIS

LOOKS MORE LIKE LUMPY OATMEAL

THAN IT DOES A BODY BY JAKE.

DR. HAMOUI, COULD YOU COME HERE

AND HELP OUT SEAN AND CHRISTIAN,

PLEASE?

>> SURE. HEY, YOU GUYS GOT A

PATIENT OF YOUR OWN. THAT´S

AWESOME. HOW MAY I BE OF

SERVICE?

>> COULD YOU PLEASE JUST LIFT UP

YOUR SHIRT AND SHOW THEM WHAT

THE END RESULT IS SUPPOSED TO

LOOK LIKE?

>> OH.

>> THANK YOU.

>> IT WAS IN THAT MOMENT THAT

SEAN AND CHRISTIAN REALIZED THEY

HAD LOST THE GREATEST LUXURY OF

THEM ALL, SOMETHING MORE

IMPORTANT TO THEM THAN

MONEY--THEIR YOUTH.

>> GIVE ME A 20 BLADE.

>> WHAT FOR?

>> I WANT TO CUT LIZ´S TONGUE

OUT.

>> OK. HERE IT IS--AUNT DOTTIE´S

FAMOUS GARBAGE SALAD.

>> I HOPE AUNT DOTTIE´S GARBAGE

DIDN´T INCLUDE COFFEE GROUNDS

AND SOUR MILK.

>> NO. GARBAGE SALAD IS WHATEVER

IS STILL GOOD IN YOUR FRIDGE

PLUS FRESH LETTUCE, HARD-BOILED

EGG, AND A SPECIAL LEMONADE

DRESSING.

>> MM, THIS IS REALLY GOOD.

I´M NOT KIDDING. IT´S AS GOOD AS

A $50 LOBSTER IN MY BOOK.

>> I DON´T KNOW WHAT I WAS

THINKING, ALL MY OBSESSING ON

EXPENSIVE RESORTS AND HONEYMOON

SUITES. I WOULD RATHER BE HERE

EATING GARBAGE SALAD WITH YOU ON

YOUR BALCONY THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING ABOUT

CHRISTIAN, HIS LITTLE LEGAL

NIGHTMARE WITH LIZ, AND I DON´T

MEAN TO GET AHEAD OF ANYTHING,

BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I WOULD

SIGN A PRENUP. I DON´T WANT YOUR

MONEY. I JUST WANT YOU.

>> WELL, I WOULD NEVER ASK THAT

OF YOU. HEY, WE´RE IN THIS FOR

LOVE, YOU AND ME. CHRISTIAN AND

LIZ HAD SOME UNUSUAL ISSUES

GOING INTO THEIR MARRIAGE.

>> COULD YOU SEE US SPENDING OUR

LIVES TOGETHER?

>> I COULD.

>> SEAN McNAMARA, WILL YOU MARRY

ME?

>> YES. I WILL.

>> WHILE SOME MORE OPTIMISTIC

ANALYSTS PREDICT THAT THE

DOWNTURN IS FINALLY ENDING, THIS

FINANCIAL VOICE OF AUTHORITY

BELIEVES IT WILL BE A LONG TIME

BEFORE AMERICANS CAN SLEEP

SOUNDLY AGAIN.

[ZAP]

[WATER RUNS]

>> DR. McNAMARA, I KNOW WHAT I

WANT FOR BREAKFAST.

SEAN? SEAN?

SEAN? SEAN, WAKE UP.

SEAN, WAKE UP, SEAN. OK.

CHRISTIAN! CHRISTIAN!

CHRISTIAN, GET UP! CHRISTIAN!