Original subtitles

(Baby crying)

Oh, Jill, where's Abigail?

(Sighs ) Morning, Jill, how are you?

Oh, yes, sorry.

- Morning, Jill. Is Abigail OK? - Thank you.

I think she's having a little run around outside, actually, in her basket.

Run around? Who's in charge of her?

- Bruce, I think. Yeah. - Oh.

Getting his practice in for D-day.

Well, B-day. Well, B and J day.

I don't mean blow job, Cath. Although he is quite partial.

(Sighs ) Jill...

do you know anything about this?

I found it in bed last night with some forks.

Oh, Cath.

This is what happened to Sylvia Plath.

No, no. I'm just so tired, Jill.

I just need some sleep.

(Sighs )

(Quietly) I love you, Cath.

Okey-dokey.

Uh.

Oh, golly.

Thank you very much.

- (Screeches ) Cathy. - Oh. Wha...?

Sorry, Cath. I'm sorry.

I thought you'd passed over.

No. I'm absolutely fine, Jill.

( Def Leppard.. Pour Some Sugar On Me )

Love is like the bomb, baby c'mon, get it on

Living like a lover with a radar phone

Looking like a tramp, like a video vamp

Demolition woman, can I be your man?

Your man

Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light

Television lover baby, go all night

? Some time, any time... ?

(Sighs ) Do you want a little top-up with your sausages, Don?

- No, thanks. - There you go.

Mm.

- Hello. - Don't start sniping, Bruce.

Morning.

- (Jill) Morning, Cath. - Hello.

- Lazybones. - Hi, Don.

- Oh. - Morning.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Right on the nose. - OK.

OK with your sausages there, Don?

- Yes, they're lovely. - Good. Lovely. Brucey OK?

Very excited about my breakfast this morning. Mrs Rumbly-tum.

All right, Cath. Coming up. This is not the Savoy.

(Cath whispers ) Thank you.

(Stifled cry )

(Groans )

(Panting) I'm all right. I'm all right, Don.

It's OK. It's just baby lashing out. I'll be OK.

(Panting)

- I'll get on with your breakfast, Cath. - Thank you, Jill.

(Jill groans )

- Floella Umbogabe. - She's not here today, sorry.

- Can I take a message? - I'm Floella Umbogabe.

(Beth sobs )

There we are, then. For her ladyship.

Ooh. Thank you, Jill.

Just thinking of your figure, Cath.

I'll just soggy up your rusk a bit. There we are.

Donny. There we go.

OK. Everybody set.

- Lovely. - Lovely.

- (Beep) - This is a good bit.

- What are we watching? - It's just your birth, Cathy.

- Oh, goodness. - Cos these lot missed it.

- (Screaming on TV) - Bruce, don't...

He doesn't want to look at his mother's privates over his crunchy nuts.

Oh, I wish we'd shave you, Cath.

(Abigail cries )

- Abigail, darling. - She's fine, Cathy.

- Are you all right? - It's fine. I've got her.

- I've got her. Come on. - Support the head, Cathy.

- I know. Thank you. - Support the head, Cathy.

- Support her at all times. - Yes, she's fine. I know.

- That's it. - I've had two already.

- There we are. - OK, Abigail.

- Oh, darling. Come on. - OK.

- Come on, sweetie. - She's not logging on, is she?

- Not yet, no. - No, she's not logging on.

This happens in your late 50s, Cathy. The nipple will become a dagger.

- For goodness' sake. - Oh.

I am the last one down again.

- Oh, Sue. - Hello, Sue.

- Lazy boots. - Sorry.

You off to vicars and tarts, are you?

Sue and, erm, Vicar Arno... Gone their separate ways.

Haven't you? Since his conviction.

- Mm. - (Baby coos )

- (Cathy ) Oh, little one. - You better hand her over.

- She's fine. - No, she's not. She's whining.

- Jill, she's fine. - She's not. She's better with Mumsie.

Come to Mumsie. (Kissing)

Back with Mumsie.

(Lambs bleating)

(Engine starts )

I've... Well, you know I've always had a thing for you.

Yes.

But Cath's my best friend.

Mm.

I want to be inside you.

I've tried to fight it for years and make things work here but...

Cath's stale.

She's like a safe, old blanket.

Whereas that dress just makes me wanna...

bonk.

Sue, I want to be with her...so badly.

I want to fill her up

until she explodes into tiny pieces.

I'm going today. I'm going to sail on the 4 o'clock tide.

Oh. Where are you going?

Spain.

I've hired a boat called Sue.

(Gasps ) Erm.

I'm just shocked.

I'll pray on it.

Yes.

Oh, Don, I heard what you were saying.

Oh, God, please don't tell Cath.

I won't. And Don...

I love tapas.

- (Stifled yell) - You shut your face, you fat cow!

I've told the police everything, Jill.

Your time is nearly up.

- (Screams ) - I'm armed, Jill. I'm armed.

I'm not afraid to use it.

Glen. Glen, come on. Come on, Glen.

Stay back. Stay back, Jill.

Come on. Let's have a nice little chat over a Cornish pasty.

Hardly in the mood to chew the fat with you.

It's mostly potato, Glen.

No. Get away, Jill. Your weasel words'll cut no ice with me.

I've had it up to here with you, Jill.

And nothing you say will change my mind.

I'm pregnant with your child, Glen.

- Oh, God. How long? - 11 months.

Oh, Jilly. How do I know you're telling me the truth?

(Muffled breathing)

- Everything all right, Jill? - Fine, yeah. How's you?

Yeah, fine, I just, erm,

I thought I saw a strange man lurking out here.

- A sort of a burnt Ken Dodd. - Oh, dear.

Well, I think you should get some rest, Cath.

- Right. OK. - (Glen whimpers )

I'm just...

off for a wax.

Oh. Right.

Ooh.

Glen, let's run away together.

Oh, Jill, I'd love to. You know I've always yearned to go on the booze cruise to Calais.

We could start a new life together with baby Bulb in the Dordogne.

It'll be like Bergerac. We haven't got much time.

- I need you to get some things for baby. - Course. What d'you need?

I need seasick tablets, a sailor's hat,

Fabris Lane sunglasses, 40 Rothmans and some bobbly condoms.

Oh, jings, Jill, I thought it'd be, you know, nappies and booties.

Babies have moved on, Glen.

Just a little problem, Jill. I'm so sorry but I don't have a cent to my name.

Well, perhaps you'd have the common decency to mug someone.

Anyone catches sight of me, I'll be straight back into the slammer.

I'm a fugitive, Jill.

Just wish I looked like Harrison Ford.

You do, Glen. With a little dash of Worzel Gummidge.

We'd better get you a disguise, Glen. Something to help you blend in.

- You'll have to perform an armed robbery. - I don't have the wherewithal. I wouldn't...

Just do your best. And I'll see you later.

( Bill Withers.. Just The Two Of Us on radio )

Don?

Just the two of us

We can make it if we try

Just the two of us...

- Oh, hi, Sue. - Hi.

- How's you? - Great.

Oh, nice to see you.

- Is that.. Is that man over there with you? - God, no.

- Jill. - (Sue ) Golly.

Oh. That's, erm, my brother.

Erm, Nelson. Just getting drinks in.

Can't do it, Jill.

Could I just clasp your tittie for reassurance?

Sit down, Nelson. This is, erm, Sue, Nelson, and Don.

Hi. I'm Nelson, I'm from, er...

- Inverness. - Ivory Coast.

Just come in off my ship. My ship's come in.

Hello, sailor.

Jolly tar.

Golly, just, you, you do frigs, do you?

No, no, I'm on the big ships.

- The big frigs. - Great ships.

Frigging in the rigging.

- You, you rig a boat? - No, no. I, er...

- He's a sailor, Sue. - I'm a sailor.

Mm.

Oof. A little hungry, Jill.

- Shall we, er, order some nosh? - OK.

I fancy a ploughman's.

- Get sucking on a big baguette. - (Glen ) Ooh, Jill.

(Man on radio ) An escaped mental patient from Bettle Lodge,

a secure unit for the criminally insane, is still missing

and thought to be at large in the Biddiclist area of Cornwall.

Glen Bulb is a male in his late 30s

with a large mop of curly hair and prominent teeth.

(Mumbles ) Jings. Hope we don't get to tackle him.

Glen Bulb, that was Jill's fiance.

Who put, you know, Gordon in a coma.

- No, no, no. - (Cheerily) Sorry, Sue.

Sorry.

- It wasn't Glen Bulb. It was... - How's Cath?

Fine. But if that was Glen...

- Is Cath at the therapy centre at the moment? - Mm.

- With Jacques? - Jill?

Why don't you go to the toilet, Nelson?

- I don't need to go. - I can smell that you do.

Nelson has to wear a nappy, Don.

- Oh. - He's got a syndrome.

Bad luck. Mm?

Could you, er, assist him, please, Don, to the toilet?

Help him with his nappy. He won't bite.

Thank you.

- Am I at large, Jill? - It's over here.

He's just, er, heavied his pants.

You've had a hard life, Jill.

Bless you, Sue.

Don says you were, erm,

listening to our conversation this morning.

(Both, laughing) Yeah.

I just feel I should tell Cath and come out with it.

Sue, I'd rather you take your sour grapes elsewhere.

My grapes aren't sour, Jill, they're very sweet.

And really pointy.

(Both laughing)

You can't tell me you're not jealous about my upcoming bonkathon.

- What you get up to with your brother is... - Me and Don.

Don?

- You and Don? - Sue, he told you this morning.

Yes. He said how much in love he is with me

and how much he wants to be inside me.

He wants to be inside me, Sue.

Me. I heard him,

going on about my dress making him want to bonk.

He wants to be inside me and we're sailing to Spain at four this afternoon.

Don said the same to you?

Ah. Ah.

(Yelping)

Where's Sue?

Diarrhoea.

Sue?

Don?

Jill. Wait.

What's...? Jill, I don't know what's going on.

Oh, Glen, this is such an amazing place, isn't it?

- Yes, it is. - Really makes me work, Glen.

Oh, yes. It is amazing, actually.

- Tectonic activity has folded the sediment... - Let's have sex, Glen.

Oh, Jill. Love to. Ooh!

Very tempting offer, Jill, but won't it damage the wee one?

Don't put yourself down, Glen.

I'd love to trust you, Jill. I really would.

But so many strange things have happened to us since we first met,

I need to learn to trust you all over again.

Oh.

Don?

And there's also some evidence,

you know, to suggest that you might not be back.

- What evidence? - Yeah, let's, erm,

let's not get heavy, yeah?

Erm, we are just working with hunches here,

but someone claiming to be Floella Umbogabe turned up.

She'll be from some lookalikey agency, I shouldn't wonder, trying to cash in.

Yeah. Erm,

I'm also kinda concerned, as a number one concern,

that you haven't birthed at 11 months.

You are clearly conflicted

about setting sail your uterine cargo.

Yeah? If that's, you know, because you're black

and you were raped...

(Jacques ) Yeah.

..I would like some time alone with you.

Ahh!

(All chanting)

- Put it in more, Don. - Oh.

- (Both panting) - I wanna be your dirty puppy.

Oh, yes.

Oh, keep it in.

(Loud chanting)

(Low chanting)

I just need to nip to the toilet.

Mm!

Jill. Jill, Jill, Jill!

- (Muffled) Open this door. - Glen, Glen. I'm about to give birth, Glen.

Oh, Jill, I don't believe a word you say any more.

No, I'm serious, Glen. I don't want you to see me like this.

Oh, Jill, you know I'd see you any which way,

even if you split your tinkle and had to be stitched up like an association football.

- Oh, God, Glen. - What is it?

- Oh, my God. - Jill? Jill?

- It's my waters. - What about them?

- They're breaking, Glen. - Oh.

- Jill, let me in. Let me help you. - (Jill wailing) Oh, God.

- Oh. - Oh, my God, Glen.

- Jill. Here. - I can feel it. It's gonna happen.

(Jill) Oh!

Is that the fluid that's in the books?

It's the amnesic sac. Oh, my God, the plug's come out.

- (Glen ) Oh. - Oh, God. Oh, my God.

- What's this, Jilly? - (Linda ) Jill, that's my curry.

- Shh. - Jill, who's in there with you, Jill?

It's my spirit guide.

- Is he a Red Indian? - Oh, ooh.

- There's a wee bit of cauliflower out here. - Oh, my God, that's his ear.

- Maybe he's gonna be a rugby player. - There's a lot of all sorts out here.

- There's a wee bit of potato. - Oh, it's a blood bath in here.

- It's like a lamb bhuna out here. - Oh, God.

Jill, please just let me get hold of it and engage him in the canal or something.

(Jill grunting)

Was that your cervix going?

- He's bashing his head against... - You've got to be careful.

The tops of the heads are very soft. A doctor told me once.

Oh, God, there's more, Glen.

- Oh. Jill, this is... - And here's the afterbirth.

- Has he come out? - Oh. He's gone back up again.

Oh, God, Jill. Is your tinkle sore? Let me help you.

- (Crying) You did this to me, Glen. - I'm sorry, Jill. I didn't know what I was doing.

Let me get my hand round his little head. Come on.

Oh, God.

Oh, Jill, what's? Have you come?

I've heard some ladies can.

- (Jill groaning) - Jill?

I'm so sorry. Jill. Jill, open up the door.

(Screaming)

Jill?

Jill? Jill, what's the matter?

Jill, open this door.

(Both grunting)

(Sue gasping)

- Jill. Jill. - Hi, Cath.

- Hi. - How's you?

- Yeah. Fine, fine. - Good.

Oh, my goodness. Wow. Slim Jim.

Thank you. Yeah.

(Baby coos )

So what's in the basket?

- Oh, just shopping. Yeah. - Oh, right.

- Just apples. - (Baby crying)

Tea towel and, er...

Pretty noisy apples you've got there.

They're erm, organic.

They seem to be moving, Jill.

Well, I went to the farmers' market, actually, Cath, and, erm, bought a lamb.

- A live lamb? - Well, no, a dead one.

But, erm, perhaps he wasn't properly slaughtered.

- Right. - Sad.

- Can I have a quick look? - At my lamb?

- Yeah. That's, er, would that be all right? - A little lamb peep.

- Yeah. - Just, he's...

May I?

Jill.

- Oh, Jill, it's a baby. - Yeah.

- I gave birth. - Oh.

- Fwang. - Oh, Jill.

Well done, you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Grandma.

Yes. Can I have a proper look, now?

Probably not a great idea to keep its head covered. Don't want to be a fusspot, but.

Oh, my God, it's Abigail.

- No. No. - Please. Can I have her back, please?

- I don't know where she is. - She's here.

- This is Apricot. - No, it's Abigail.

- It's Apricot. - No, Jill, it's Abigail.

- It's Apricot. - Jill, please, I know my baby.

- Give her back to me. - And I know my baby, Cathy.

I have waited all of my life for this, even though I hate children.

Jill, give me my baby now!

Look, it's a wig. It's a silly clown's wig.

Oh, my God, you've pierced her ears!

- She asked me to, Cath. - Jill, where is he?

Where's my son? Please don't say you've slain him.

What happened was, I did give birth earlier on, Cath.

And I gave birth to what I prayed would be a she

but turned out to be a he.

And, fact is, I just...

I didn't like him.

Well, all right, that happens sometimes.

(Sighs ) I know but it's just typical of my life, Cath.

Plenty of people don't bond with their baby straightaway.

Yeah, but I hated that little bastard.

I didn't like anything about him. His face, his hair, the way he looked at me.

What do you mean, the way he looked at you?

Little bit smug.

You know, looking over my shoulder, is there somebody better over there?

Jill, they can barely focus at that age.

No, Cathy, he knew what he was doing.

Look, I think maybe you're suffering from postnatal depression.

Cath, I'm suicidal since I seen him.

Jill, where is my son?

( Dolly Parton.. Jolene )

Jolene, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene

I'm begging of you please don't take my man

Jolene, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene

? Please don't take him just because you can ?

- Sorry, can I just? Thank you. - (Cowbell ringing)

Sorry. Sorry, Jacques.

- She's vanished. - Jill.

Here he is.

This is Apricot. He was just hiding.

Jill, why did you leave him here?

- He was just having a bit of me-time, Cath. - He's, he's so still.

I know. This is what I mean about him, Cathy, he don't make much effort.

Let, you know, let us see him, Jill.

- I would but he's wearing a mask. - A mask?

It's just to keep his features in place. They were very loose when he was first born.

What's wrong with him?

- He's... He's a little bit deformed, Cathy. - Oh.

- I still love him. - Of course, of course.

Let me see him. May I?

- Jill, I can't see him. - (Sobs ) Oh.

They always say first-born looks like Daddy.

Please, may I?

He must have stolen it, Cath. That would be just like him.

Jill.

- There's nothing else there. - (Siren )

( Jolene )

You could have your choice of men

But I could never love again

? He's the only one for me, Jolene ?

(Breathing heavily)

(Screams ) Aah.

(Panting and gasping)

(Sue, panting) Keep it in.

(Thud)

( Mozart.. Requiem.. Lacrimosa )

Lacrimosa

Dies illa

Qua resurget

Ex favilla

Judicandus...

(Both scream )

Homo reus

Lacrimosa

Dies illa

Qua resurget

Ex favilla

Judicandus

Homo reus

Huic ergo

Parce, Deus

Pie Jesu

? Domine ?

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