Original subtitles

( Toto.. Hold The Line )

Hold the line

Love isn't always on time

Oh, oh, oh

Hold the line

Love isn't always on time Love isn't always on time

Hold the line

Love isn't always on time

Love isn't always, love isn't always on time

? Hold the line ?

Don.

- Jill. - I know.

So w... My God, what are you doing here?

I'm just keeping young. How's about you?

I, I, just chilling.

Oh. It's so great to see you, Don.

(Sighs )

(Heavier sighs )

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Your hair looks nice, Don.

You dyed it.

- It's sun-kissed. - Sun made it curly as well?

- I'd better be, erm... - A perm is nothing to be ashamed of, Don.

I mean, you look at Brian May. Year, after year, after year...

Jill, sorry, I really need to go.

- Me too, Don. Bit bubbly. - Yeah.

You know I drowned myself, don't you?

Really?

But I survived.

- Why don't you sit down, Don? - Er, I can't.

Is it your thong?

No.

Just to say, Don, I'm really sorry we couldn't work things out before, you know,

- but now we're both free... - Jill, I really can't see you.

- Oh, my God, have you gone blind, Don? - No, look.

Hey, dude.

Oh, hi. Oh.

Cool.

Yeah, mm.

(Stifled moans )

Mm. Mm.

Kitchen. Herbal teas and whatnot.

- We're all 120% vegan. - (Quietly) Oh, dear.

People just bring their own stuff and label it.

- OK. So I can bring my own labels. - Sure.

Have you got any hot dogs, Jack?

No, erm.

I reckon Bluebell's got some tofu niblets. I'm sure you could...

Not being funny, but I think Bluebeard was trying to touch me up in the rub-a-dub.

I acknowledge your response but don't think that's her vibe.

Whatever. She tries it on again with me, I will knock her block off.

Mm. I'm hoping that's your clown talking, Flo.

OK, guys, here's today's communal rota. Linda, you'll be on toilets.

Thank you, Bluebeard. I do do quite a lot of pooh-poohs in the morning.

Yeah. You're cleaning toilets.

- I will clean up after. - And, erm...

Flo, it's your client list for today, OK?

- OK. - Neil, he has spinal...

- Bifida? - Stiffness.

So, er, he just needs a remedial massage.

- Linda'll do that one, then. - (Linda ) Thank you.

Karen Pole, she has deep esteem issues.

- Oh, God. - Erm, well, yeah.

- It's all there. You can read. - Mm, Linda can't.

- I am reading that book o' letters, Jill. - Yeah, that's the alphabet, Linda.

OK.

There we are, then.

Lovely.

So...

- my name's Flora Umbogabe. - (Whispers ) Right.

I'll be your therapist for the day, OK?

And you are Karen Pole.

- Yes. - OK, so, excuse me.

- What brings you here today, Karen? - Er, well, I'm quite depressed.

Er, sort of, down on myself.

- Right, don't like yourself. - No.

No. Do you know anyone else that likes you, Karen?

Erm, well, I don't feel like they do.

No. They probably don't, then.

Oh.

- I have been married. - Well done.

But my husband left me.

- Oh, dear. - Mm.

Starting to feel depressed myself now, Karen. (Laughs )

- I just feel like I... - Like a creepy, old pointless lump.

I know.

- I mean, I, I don't really see a future. - No.

I stay in bed most days.

People say, you know, ''Try and get up. Try and open the curtains.''

I would close them, please, and close them tight.

- Right. - OK?

Say there's a happy, young boy, cycling by your window.

He looks in and he sees your bitter, withered old face.

He's gonna fall off his bicycle and kill himself.

And you've got murder on your hands, Karen.

Right.

So is there any help available?

- It's tricky, Karen. - Mm.

- It is tricky. - Mm.

- It's very tricky, Karen. - Mm.

- Quite tricky. - Mm.

Oh, blast.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Out of bed again. - Yeah.

- That ribbon's a lot of fun. - Oh, thank you.

Oh, lovely.

(Giggling)

- Jill. - Hiya, Cath.

(Jacques ) Hello, Flo.

Jacques, this is Jill.

That's Jill. It's...Jill.

(Cath laughs nervously)

Yeah. Floella, our new therapist.

She's a hairdresser.

Wow. Many strings.

Floella's my religious name, Cathy.

You never told me that.

I didn't want to burden you, Cathy,

at your time of life.

What are you doing here?

I work here, Cathy, thank you.

You...

Jill, is it your caravan parked outside, on our drive?

It's all I can afford, Cathy.

I'm living like a didicoy.

I heard, um, banging coming from inside.

- The pipes. - And shouting.

Pipes.

Anyway, I'd love to stay and natter, Cathy,

but there's healing to be done.

- Morning, Mr Tom. - Morning.

Floella's not here, sorry, but she is black.

I am Linda. What is wrong with you?

Er, well, I-I fractured my pelvis a while ago

and I, I usually wear a strap to support it.

Jill made me do that once, for a film.

I haven't worn the strap for a while, so, erm, I'm a bit stiff.

Right.

I gotta do the questions.

Do you have any body hair?

Yes.

Is it more in certain places than others?

Er, well, the chest

and, I suppose, the, erm,

- pubic. - Pubes, is it?

I got loads.

Right.

I won't wear the strap

but I will do you the roll-on, roll-off massage.

Right.

( Reveille )

- Uh. Jill. - Oh.

(Both, laughing) Oh.

(Glen ) Oh.

- You'll have me over. - Sorry, Glen, I didn't know you were there.

I'm going to nip inside for my sheet music.

Oh, is there something I should know?

- Oh. I've got some booze, get us in the mood. - Oh, right.

Glen, have you ever heard of sexual role-play?

- What's that? - It's where I pretend to be someone

and you pretend to be someone and then...

So I could be like Dr Schweitzer and you could be a lady with leprosy.

Yeah, or, like a strict teacher and naughty schoolgirl?

Would I have to wear a pencil skirt?

(Both groan )

Oh.

(Sighs )

(Both groan )

(Panting)

Ooh.

Oh, sorry.

Is that better, Mr Tom?

There. Hacking jacket, you can be a geography teacher.

- I don't know what to do, Jill. - You're a teacher again. You gotta be strict.

Strict. Right. Er, strict.

Right. Morning, everybody.

(Loudly) Morning, Mr Bulb.

Oxbow lakes. What do we know about oxbow lakes?

Glen, it's just me. I'm in detention cos I've been really naughty.

- Sorry. - OK?

OK, Jill, you naughty girl.

What do you know about oxbow lakes?

I don't know anything about oxbow lakes, Mr Bulb,

cos I've been really naughty and I need to be punished.

Oxbow lakes are the residue of rivers which flowed around rocky outcrops until...

I hope you're not gonna put your big stick in my mouth, Mr Bulb.

Course not, Jill. It's awfully dirty.

Aw! God, Jill.

What did you do that for?

- Oh, sorry, Glen. - Oh, Jill, you almost had my eye out.

- Has it gone, Glen? - I think I may have lost it.

- My retina detached or something. - Oh, Glen.

It's what schools are like nowadays. It's all guns and knives.

In that case, Jill, I certainly will punish you.

Oh. Oh, Mr Bulb.

Ooh!

( Smooth jazz )

Gee willykins.

(Sighs )

( Justin Timberlake.. Rock Your Body on radio )

Self-assertion.

Setting boundaries.

It's about saying,

''Hang on, mister, I'm not a doormat.

''Don't wipe your feet on me.

''Don't bring your dog muck in here and smear it all over my face.''

Say it.

Oh, er. Sorry.

Erm, don't bring your dog muck in

and smear it all over my face.

Good girl. Goody girl.

( Thin Lizzy.. Dancing In The Moonlight on radio )

It's caught me in its spotlight

Dancing in the moonlight

? On this long hot summer night ?

- God. - Hiya, Natalie.

- How's you? - I'm fine, yeah.

Sorry to creep up on you like that, Natalie,

but I spotted you and I thought your little leggies were burning.

So, yeah.

Don't I recognise you? Didn't you come into the cafe I work at?

What, Mumbles? What, complaining about a blueberry muffin?

- Yeah. - No. No, that'll be my doppelbanger.

You go out with Don Cole, don't you?

- Mm. Yeah. - Yeah.

- We just really connect. - Really?

- Yeah. - How many times have you connected?

Oh, er, I dunno.

- He says he loves me, though. - Really, and you believe him?

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I think he means it, yeah.

- That's nice. - He's always buying me things as well.

- Right. - Bought me these last week.

- Nail extensions? - Yeah.

- They look quite cheap. - Do you think?

Mm. I mean, they're nice.

- I quite like them, yeah. - Yeah.

God, it's nice. You don't find him too old?

- No. I mean, people have said things but... - Yeah.

- ..when it feels right. - Like he's a paedophile or something?

Well, don't concentrate on the old wrinkles

and just focus on the person.

- Yeah, - That's lovely.

- Oh, my God. - What?

Your face.

(Sighs )

Natalie, I work for a top London model agency called Lookers, right?

I actually run it, cos I used to be a supermodel.

And, looking at your face,

- I could take you to the top. - Really?

- Yeah. - You really think I could be a model?

I absolutely know it in my soul, Natalie.

And I'm not the only one cos Don actually said something to me about it.

- Did he? - Yeah.

Now, I'm also a top, trained photographer.

Why don't we do some shots for your folio, some really outdoor, kinda artsy shots?

Erm.

(Giggling nervously)

Erm...

maybe I just don't have a clown.

No, that was great, Cath.

Yeah.

OK.

(Whispers ) D'you want some nana, Mr Tom?

Hiya, Cathy. How's you?

Yeah. Good.

Come as Little Bo Peep?

- He fancies you, Cathy. - No, he doesn't.

- He keeps staring. - He does not.

Cathy, his eyes are coming out on sticks.

- Really? - He can barely keep his thing in his trousers.

- Honestly, Jill. - I saw it poking.

Oh, please.

I don't think he's wearing pants, Cath.

Thank you. That's quite enough.

I feel pretty

Oh, so pretty

? I feel pretty and witty and gay ?

You OK with Don's affair, Cath?

Erm, er.

Don's head is in a very strange place at the moment.

Mm, I bet.

So it's not really an affair. We're just...

we're both free to see other people while we work stuff out.

Mm.

Oh, my God.

- See that, Cathy? - Yeah, mm.

Bold as brass.

Jacques says we all have the capability to flop on the other side of the swing.

- Not natural, though, is it? - No, it's not.

- Would you flop on the other side... - No.

But, you know, horses for courses.

Mm, especially her age, though, Cath.

I just hope she cleans her teeth before she comes down the centre.

- You know what they do at night, Cathy? - Yes, Jill. Thank you.

(Laughing) Hi there.

Oh.

Hi, Don. I didn't see you there.

God, it's likes bees round shit.

All these young boys flapping round my honeypot.

Thing is, Don, I mean, what have these young girls got to offer, really?

I mean, er, I've had my hymen reinstated...

but with a decade of experience...

- Yeah, well. - Oh, my God. Have you seen that, Don?

Oh, what d'you think of that?

It's great.

Yeah, that's my lingam,

er, in a state of awakening.

Oh, crikey, you're right.

That's very wide awake, isn't it?

So is your partner here tonight?

No. No, actually, I don't really have a regular partner.

Really? Gosh, I just assumed.

Well, I'm sure you're gonna make an absolutely super husband and father one day.

I'm potent

and if I stay with somebody for too long, that gets diluted,

so I tend to split.

- Oh, dear. - But hey, we should dance.

Yeah. I'd love that. Yeah. OK.

Later on.

Sorry...

( Lynyrd Skynyrd.. Sweet Home Alabama )

Turn it up

Big wheels keep on turnin'

Carry me home to see my kin

Singin' songs about the southland

I miss Alabamy once again

? And I think it's a sin, yes ?

(Giggling)

Erm, Jacques, I'm not a doormat.

Please don't smear your dog muck all over my face.

- I'm sorry? - I was a tiny bit hurt

and, erm, really quite cross earlier.

Erm, sorry.

When we were talking and you broke off mid-conversation

and went to talk to those other ladies.

Erm, and, you know.

OK. Erm.

I feel a little bit of anger about that, er.

- I'm sorry. - Yeah, erm...

- Yeah, I'm feeling angry right now. - Oh, Jacques, I'm sorry.

- I, I... - I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to take a time-out and just release the, this, er...

Look, Jacques, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean...

I'm gonna, I'm just gonna go out.

I didn't want to spoil the party.

(Shouts ) Please!

Jacques, baby, come on.

- Come on. - (All shout) Wooh.

Oh!

(Sighs )

(Distant shouts and screams )

(Don ) Though my love is rare

Though my love is true

? I'm like a bird ?

I've got your folio back, Nat, of your modelling piccies. Let's have a little peek.

- Oh, I hope you like it. - Let's have a look.

Oh, my God.

You look a bit shocked, Natalie.

God, I had no idea.

Is that...

is that really my nose?

Well, yeah. Unless you're wearing a false one.

Has Don said anything?

He does feel that your nose is something of an obstacle,

not just to him but to your career.

I mean, you could have a picnic off there, Natalie.

(Distant giggling)

Natalie, I know surgery's a big step, sweetheart...

- You think I need surgery? - I do.

If you want to be a model and you want any kind of relationship with Don.

I just...

(Giggling nervously)

(Distant giggling)

(Girl) Jacques, baby.

Seen Natalie?

You seen Cath?

- How you feeling, Natalie? - OK.

- Yeah. A bit nervous? - A little bit.

OK. Well, the, erm, the anaesthetic should start working

relatively soon.

Just consult my... Right.

I should get the hang of this as we go along.

OK, here we go, then, Natalie.

Take a deep breath, please.

(Yelping, coughing, moaning)

( REO Speedwagon.. Keep On Loving You )

Oh, this is a tough one.

(Screaming)

I know. Almost there.

- (Squelching) - Ooh.

..but you didn't listen

You played dead

But you never bled

Instead you lay still in the grass

All coiled up and hissing

And though I know all about those men

Still I don't remember

Cos it was us, baby

Way before then

And we're still together

And I meant

? Every word I said... ?

Don!

Don!

Don! Don!

(Screeching) Don!

Don!

(Continues screeching) Don!

I don't wanna sleep

? I just wanna keep on loving you ?

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