Original subtitles

(Jacques ) Catherine.

You're a jug.

Ooh!

Emotionally, you're a receptacle that can get quite full.

Right. (Laughs )

So just...be aware of your jug filling.

And...let it go.

- Let it go. - (Whispers ) Yeah.

- Go on, let it go. - (Laughs )

Let it fly. Let that rage fly!

That's it! Empty the jug.

Good girl. Goody girl.

(Toto ) It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do

I bless the rains down in Africa

? Gonna take some time to do the things we never had... ?

(He grunts and groans )

(He whimpers and sighs, then grunts )

Thank you.

It was horrible, Jill. The fish was looking at me.

Oh, you think everybody fancies you, don't you, Linda?

Not enough to sleep with my dead husband.

You want half the underwater community after you as well.

It was just the one fish. A dogfish. I think it was my nana. She said she'd come back.

- How much did you get? - Twice in the front, once up the back.

- Money? - And he put a trout up me.

- And waggled it round. I could feel its eyes. - Linda!

You charged him five pounds for two front bums and a back bummin'?

- And I got a bit of cod off him an' all. - (Groans in disgust)

- Are we on the run, Jill? - Yeah.

- Like Bonnie and Tyler. - Yeah.

I don't remember nothing.

Where's Dennis?

Linda, something dreadful happened last night.

Dennis made a pass at me.

He tried to rape me up the anus.

- He did do that sometimes. - It's not right, Linda.

Thank you, Jill.

Someone forcing you to do something against your will. It's wrong.

- Sorry, Jill. - That's why I had to abduct you.

Thank you.

Dennis will track me down, mind.

I got to go back.

- Linda! - (Horn blares )

That man has done nothing but abuse and bully you all your life. Is that what you want?

( Calming meditation chimes )

(Door opens, seagulls cry )

(Door closes )

Erm... (Laughs )

Don's, er...just going off for a bit of Don time, so...

er...I thought (Clears throat) I might, er maybe go...

sort of pop down to Mumbles for a...

decaf tea, er...

Just, I mean... It just occurred to me if you're not, er, maybe...

You know, you're very welcome to join me, or...

Well, it's nice to keep a framework.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, is that a...yes?

- No. - No, no.

- No, OK. - Lovely hair by the way.

Oh, right! (Laughs ) Yeah.

I had it changed a bit. I mean, just sun-kissed, really.

I like your hair too.

(Laughs ) What little there is.

- Rather thin. - Yeah, but it's...it's long.

Er, well, yeah, I suppose what I lack in thickness I make up for in length.

(Nervous giggle )

Ooh! (Laughs ) Thank you, Sandy.

Erm...

Oh, Dr Pinder?

I wanted to say how upbeat I'm feeling about my marriage with Jill.

Can't wait to plant some tiny bulbs.

You may know that with my late wife, Rachel, I was rather in her thrall.

I was in her netball team, actually.

She sort of bullied me into the marriage.

But with Jill, there's a kind of gentleness that I like.

I think he moving down here is a sign of her commitment.

- Glenn, I do need to ask you something. - Mm-hm?

Are you, er...still being sodomised by Sandy in the showers?

Well...touch wood he's moved onto that new chap, Beverly.

So...the last couple of ablutions have been mercifully peaceful.

(T'pau ) Don't push too far Your dreams are china in your hand...

It stinks in here, Linda. Are you sure he took that trout out?

I don't know.

Linda, I can see the tail!

It's massive. Linda, I think it's a tuna.

See if she's breathing, Linda.

I can't tell, Jill.

- That's you, Linda. - I'm breathing.

She's black, Linda.

Pass me her handbag.

Just roll her in the back and don't make a meal of it.

She's quite heavy, Jill. I don't think she'll fit in the back.

Just fold her in half, please, Linda. Hurry up.

(Jacques ) OK...qualities Cath admires.

Ooh! Er...

I like...

- openness. - Is Don open?

No. (Laughs ) No.

Very secretive. Erm...

That's how he had the affairs.

Er...

Yeah, erm...

I sometimes... (Sighs )

I sometimes feel as though I settled for Don.

I just think maybe I thought...

nobody else was gonna want me.

- It's good to trust your feelings. - Right, yeah.

Does that mean that, erm...

nobody else would want me?

Let's just sit with that possibility.

(Inhales and exhales deeply)

( The Knack: Sharona )

Come a little closer, will you, huh?

Close enough to look in my eyes, Sharona

Keeping it a mystery gets to me

Running down the length of my thighs, Sharona

? Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind ?

She's got some Frazzles, Jill. I do love Frazzles.

Don't eat them. They're probably laced with cannabis.

- Perfume. - What is it?

Thank you.

She's got a letter, Jill.

- 'The...' - Well done.

'..Trees.'

Loving ourselves, Catherine, is the first port of call in healing that weepy toddler.

Did you try the self-loving?

(Laughs )

I did, I... (Tuts )

I did try it, but, erm...

I...

I just couldn't do it on the beach. I was so worried about somebody seeing me.

I just, erm...

Sorry.

Did you use the mirror?

No.

Erm...I did...I did catch sight of myself in the television, erm...

which was...valuable.

Er... (Laughs nervously)

Sometimes just stroking ourselves in our soft places is a real start.

Hm.

Would you like to, erm...?

- Your arm. - Oh...God! (Tuts )

God, yes. So stupid!

Erm...

Mm, yeah, that's...

Yeah.

Right, then, Linda.

I just need you to get rid of my run over lady, please.

Shouldn't we call the police?

Certainly, if you're happy to turn yourself in as a murderess.

But I weren't driving, Jill.

Oh, very nice, Linda. Just because I'm the one that knocked her down, I get the blame.

Thank you.

Glad that I live am I

That the sky is blue

? Glad for the country... ?

Hello, Sandy. Nearly finished in here.

I...I think Beverly was going to pop in the shower after me.

- I've already seen Beverly. - Oh.

? Whoop-i-diddly-doop-i-doo ?

(Engine starts )

(Handbrake creaks )

- Hiya, Cath! - (Shrieks )

I'm quite tearful.

You let it out, Cath.

I just, erm...

I don't know, I just never really thought I was. .. going to see you again.

How could you?

Oh! (Laughs )

Thank you.

You've got me going, Cath.

Can I just say, Cath...

straight off.

I'm sorry.

Thank you, Jill.

Do you want to say sorry to me, Cath?

Er...

Jill, why are you here?

Let's be best friends again, Cath.

I got you some pressies.

Oh, golly. Thank you very much.

(Clears throat) Excuse me.

Frazzles?!

Oh, right.

- Still vegetarian, I'm afraid. - Ooh, dear.

Sorry for breathing.

All right...

- Gosh, what's that? - It's make-up, Cath.

Black skin...?

I thought you being by the sea, you know...looking quite leathery.

- Well, thank you. - If you don't like them...

No, that's really... Thank you.

They were very expensive.

Really pricey, those two.

But I'd like you to have them, Cathy. On the house. Non grata.

- 'Thank you, Jill.' - Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Jill.

So, erm...

How did you know where...I was?

- Message from Him upstairs. - Gosh.

- Via Sue. - Oh, right. Yes.

Little bit naughty of Sue, really. I did actually, erm...

(Clears throat)

..ask her not...not to give out my address.

I never trusted Sue, Cath. Not with nipples that size.

Why don't you hit me, Cath?

I know you want to.

Jill, I...

- I can't. - Go on, Cathy.

Cathy, just punch me.

Couple of little slaps.

(Gasps )

(Sniffs )

Yes.

With everything that happened... or didn't...

- between you and Don... - Cathy...

What I did to you...

I should have been electrocuted.

- Golly, I think that's going a bit far. - No, Cath, no. Sorry.

I'm a born-again Christian. If I wasn't, I would have killed myself as an 'I'm sorry' pressie.

- Jill, I don't want you dead. - Well, Cathy...

I cannot see how I can possibly make it up to you.

I don't know how to prove to you that I have really, really, really...

really, really, really, really...

really changed as a person.

Is Don...living with you or...?

(Clears throat)

We're, erm...

We're working on it, erm, you know...

It's work in progress.

We've got a super therapist.

He's, er...Jacques Du Pont. He's, er, of French origin.

And, erm...

Things are fine.

Oh... (Hums a low, flat note )

(Hums waveringly)

(Chokes and hums )

(Distorted humming)

(Articulates nonsensically)

(Gargles )

- Just speaking in tongues. I won't be long. - Right-ho.

(Chants like a didgeridoo )

Wagglawooo-waaaaaav...

Wwwwwwavellywoo.

- That's better. - (Laughs )

All done?

- Thank you. Right. - I'll get this, Cath.

Yeah. I'll be getting this.

- Nice to treat you. Least I can do. - Thank you. Jill.

Right. (Clears throat)

Right.

I'm not being funny, Cath. You had a tea, didn't you?

- Yeah. - OK. Erm..

I'm happy to stump up for the tea, Cathy, as a sort of 'Hello again, Cath' pressie, OK?

But perhaps you're taking the mickey a little bit with the bun.

- Jill, I'm really happy to... - Let's not make a scene, Cath.

OK. Lovely.

My friend does have something to say about your bun.

- Er, no, it was fine, thank you. - It was mouldy.

She's got a terminal illness. That bun could tip her over.

Honestly, it was absolutely fine.

I've only got MS. I'm not dying.

Just knock the bun off the bill, please, and we won't have to take this outside.

- What was wrong with it? - It's mouldy.

You can see all the bits where you've blown your nose on it.

That's the blueberries.

Somebody's wiped their bottom on there.

Jill...

It was fine, really.

Thank you.

Jill, I really can't...

have you back in my life at the moment.

I don't know where you get off, Cath.

I'm just trying to be assertive, Jill.

Sorry.

That therapy's turned you into a monster.

I've got to go.

Bye!

Bye, Monster.

( Surf rock)

(Sniffing)

- Excuse me. Here to see Jacques Du Pont. - Oh, right. Hi, erm...

Oh, well, he's actually doing a battered-women workout now.

- Then he's interviewing, so... - That's me he's interviewing.

Oh, right. OK, erm...

- So you're Floella Umbogabe. - Yes, thank you.

Right. I thought you were going to be...

Black?

- That is so racist. - No, late.

That is so racist.

No, it says you telephoned to say you might be late because of problems with your car.

Oh, so because I'm black I can't drive?

No, it's just that you called to say that you'd be late because your car was playing up.

And so now I'm here on time must my whole race be damned for running fast?

I'm sorry. Erm...

Is this your photo, Mrs Umbogabe?

Yeah. I'd just been on holiday there.

- Right. - I am black, Beth.

- OK. - OK?

We've had some dreadful summers.

I won't report you for being racist.

(Snores gently)

I am fully blown, as a psychotherapist.

- And this is my assistant, Linda. - Hi, I'm Linda.

OK, I'll tell you a little bit about us guys here at The Trees.

We like to mix our therapies here.

- We're quite eclectic... - Oh, dear.

..in our approach.

Like to combine Freud, Gestalt, Jung.

I'll do young or elderly, Jacques, but I won't touch children.

OK.

So, erm...

- Floella. - Call me Flo.

Got your CV here. I see you trained in traditional African medicine.

- Thank you. - Where was that?

Obviously I did my stint in the Black Country.

- In the Midlands? - Jungle.

She was born up a tree.

Wow.

- I guess those women are pretty tough. - Mm.

- Mum was tough. - Right.

OK, well, I mean we tend to respond more to the individual here

to the energy, rather than to the pieces of paper.

- Well, I've got loads of energy, Jacques. - I'm always tired, I am.

One of the ways we like to work here is on a more spiritual plane,

calling on angels et cetera to assist us in our healing.

Have you experienced any other entities around while you've been working?

Linda?

I'm talking about angels. I just wondered if...

you'd be prepared to work with angels.

Absolutely. But I mean, would they take part of my fee?

Er, not physically. You've either experienced angels or you haven't.

No, I do. I'm with you, Jacques. I do have a key angel, Roy,

who does the bulk of my work and a little bit of shoppin'...

couple of cherubims and serubims who pop in, you know, as and when...so...

OK.

You come together as a team?

Linda.

What do you think you can bring to The Trees as a therapist?

Sandwiches.

Plus...I've had a terrible life.

I've been abused.

OK, I acknowledge that, but are you aware of the role that you've played in that?

This is what I say to her, Jacques. She's asking for it.

I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong, really, with a man hitting a woman.

Not that Terry ever did, but I didn't provoke...

- I don't provoke. - Some people provoke just by being there.

There are times I want to strangle you, particularly now.

- Thank you. - OK!

There's room for fun, er...sure.

You know, we've all got a clown inside us sometimes.

I've never done it with a clown.

I have.

(Door closes )

(Door closes )

(Whimpers softly)

(Sobs )

(Key turns in lock)

( Marillion.. Lavender)

- I was walking in the park... - Don!

- Dreaming of a spark - Don!

When I heard the sprinklers whisper Shimmer in the haze of summer lawns

Then I heard the children singing

They were running through the rainbows

They were singing a song for you

Well, it seemed to be a song for you

- The one I wanted to write for you... - Oh! Hello, Jean.

For you...

(Snores )

You

Lavender's blue, dilly-dilly

Lavender's green

When I am king, dilly-dilly

You will be queen

A penny for your thoughts, my dear

A penny for your thoughts, my dear

I.O.U for your love

For your love

For your love

For your love

I'm always walking in the park

Always dreaming of a spark

? From you ?

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